FabSwingers.com forum: Consent

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

We always believe that we are safe, that the person that we are meeting knows consent?

But what If you say no and can’t fight them off through fear?

You freeze you believe that you say no but there’s no evidence.

What is going to make someone trust someone else again?

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By *eroLondonMan
over a year ago

Mayfair

It's 2.16am. I'm going to bookmark this. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hope that you have not had an experience like this OP? Because it is a terrible thing for anyone to experience

If we're talking in general terms? I think a lot boils down to making a personal decision based upon your own risk assessment of the other person. That can always be proved very wrong of course, but in life sometimes its the best we can do? And we can't always get it right 100% of the time unfortunately. Even with 'lots of chat, several socials' whatever means? Sadly we live in a world where people who intend you harm often don't reveal their true nature until the point its too late

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You stop trusting strangers again and save it for the people who have earned it.

You ask much clearer upfront questions and assume a lot less.

You directly ask if they understand consent and listen carefully to their answers. Perhaps use tools like the BDSM test as a basis for learning about who they are and how they talk about sex.

You remind yourself every day not to freeze or fawn in response but that you have the right to say No even if a man is on top of you with his dick inside you or his arms choking your neck. You’re allowed to get up and walk away. You’re also allowed to have rage in the moment if clear boundaries are broken.

Then you out that all into practice over and over until your body feels and knows deep within what it means to protect and love yourself at all levels.

In reality you likely end up having a lot less but hopefully a lot higher quality sex.

Hope some of that resonates x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You stop trusting strangers again and save it for the people who have earned it.

You ask much clearer upfront questions and assume a lot less.

You directly ask if they understand consent and listen carefully to their answers. Perhaps use tools like the BDSM test as a basis for learning about who they are and how they talk about sex.

Then you out that all into practice over and over until your body feels and knows deep within what it means to protect and love yourself at all levels.

In reality you likely end up having a lot less but hopefully a lot higher quality sex.

Hope some of that resonates x

Erm, I'm sorry, but I have to kinda interject here a bit. But wtf are you talking about?? If you have ever been in the horrific position of sexual assault (which is basically what you are describing). Then no, no there is not always just the option to 'get up and walk away'

The Bdsm 'tool' is a pure fun 'quiz', it's absolutely no indication of how anyone else will/would actually treat you within the bedroom, or outside of it. And you can frankly ask if someone understands 'consent' until the cows come home. But of they state 'yes', it doesn't equal they're not a sexual predator... I'm sorry but I've never heard so much cobblers in my life?!... Ignore this rubbish OP. Which I'm sure as a sane adult you will ffs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You stop trusting strangers again and save it for the people who have earned it.

You ask much clearer upfront questions and assume a lot less.

You directly ask if they understand consent and listen carefully to their answers. Perhaps use tools like the BDSM test as a basis for learning about who they are and how they talk about sex.

Then you out that all into practice over and over until your body feels and knows deep within what it means to protect and love yourself at all levels.

In reality you likely end up having a lot less but hopefully a lot higher quality sex.

Hope some of that resonates x

The bdsm test has little or no relevance. I can take mine several times and the results vary depending upon the mood I am in at the time. It is there as a guide not a hard and fast answer.

This for me is why vetting and under consideration are absolutely paramount. I do not have non vanilla sex with anyone for ages

But we are not talking about this happening within the lifestyle. Consent happens everywhere in life and within sex

It is not always possible “to get up and walk away” or not “to freeze”

If this has happened to you I am so sorry. There are some amazing “wordsmiths” out there who tell you want you to hear until the moment happens.

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I know from experience on here that consent or assuming consent is not gender specific.

I was lucky in that when a woman crossed boundaries that were never discussed or even hinted at during 2 previous socials I didn't feel physically threatened and was able to walk away.

When she attacked me and expected me to retaliate, my only fear was what may come next after I left the room.

I have read some worrying comments here in recent days about things that people, both men and women have done during meets because "they couldn't really refuse" but none of them have elaborated on why they felt they couldn't say no.

The advice given above about using what are basically FB compatibility tests is even more concerning if people are really so gullible to fall for that.

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By *lephantisMan
over a year ago

Oxford

The most important thing is to hope that the OP is OK, and has loving people with her right now. It's a horrific thing to ever go through, and, yes, it must be traumatic in every sense.

Less importantly, I am thankful we are moving beyond the passive concept of 'consent' and looking for an enthusiastic 'Yes!', which is certainly what is being taught in schools now. I hope, as this filters upwards, it will have some effect on men who think a woman is 'consenting', whilst she is actually frozen in terror.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope this is just a late night hypothetical question and all is ok xx

Let’s be blunt, what you describe is ra pe and is a horrific crime and should be reported to the Police as such.

I note the words “but there’s no evidence” and this is sadly where it becomes a case of your word against theirs - and without evidence it will be difficult to prove but nevertheless I think it should be reported anyway.

To your question : what can make you trust anyone again? Very difficult as I’ve never been in that situation but I guess behaviour over time? The longer you know someone the better you know them? I don’t know

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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago

harrow

No means no

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Time.

Giving yourself time to heal.

Trusting those that are already around you, if possible.

The time to know it was never your fault.

In time, seeing that not everyone in this world is a monster, that the good ones do exist even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

All easier said than done and not something that happens over night. There's no magic formula unfortunately and everyone is different.

Sending you lots of love and hugs OP and hoping you have lots of support and love around you right now

Psyche xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The most important thing is to hope that the OP is OK, and has loving people with her right now. It's a horrific thing to ever go through, and, yes, it must be traumatic in every sense.

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By *enrietteandSamCouple
over a year ago

Staffordshire

"We always believe that we are safe, that the person that we are meeting knows consent?

But what If you say no and can’t fight them off through fear?

You freeze you believe that you say no but there’s no evidence.

What is going to make someone trust someone else again?"

Hello old friend

Always here if you need to talk.

We both send our love x

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

If someone said no and they didn’t listen then that is in unconsensual sex. I hope you’re ok OP.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

I hope everyone is ok.

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