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Dad Jokes Continued, Continued.

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

Back, by absolutely no demand...

You know at birth you have 4 Kidneys.

As you grow up 2 of them develop into adult knees.

I'll get my coat.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

I don't make mathematical puns unless I am desperate.

But I will if I half to.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought you ment goat .

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago

Derbyshire village


"I don't make mathematical puns unless I am desperate.

But I will if I half to."

I've heard that multiple times.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago

Derbyshire village


"I don't make mathematical puns unless I am desperate.

But I will if I half to.

I've heard that multiple times."

It's quite divisive.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ust me 999Man
over a year ago

near you

How does a monkey make It’s cheese on toast ?

Puts it under the gorilla

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ust me 999Man
over a year ago

near you

I went to the chippy last night and said can I have a bag of chips, please come upstairs 69.pr 95 ? If you are going to count them, I will have a pie instead.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ust me 999Man
over a year ago

near you

Sorry I didn’t text messed that joke up

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Caught my kid chewing electric cables… after a punishment he’s currently defusing the situation…

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago

Derbyshire village


"Caught my kid chewing electric cables… after a punishment he’s currently defusing the situation…"

Is he grounded?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

A vicar, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar.

And the rabbit turns to the other 2 and says,

"I think I am a typo".

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *eard and TattsCouple
over a year ago

Cwmbran

The wedding was so beautiful even the cake was in tiers

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *nked_coupleCouple
over a year ago

Durham

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?.....................quacks in the pavement.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *aughtyTwo8488Couple
over a year ago

derby


"Caught my kid chewing electric cables… after a punishment he’s currently defusing the situation…

Is he grounded?"

You should insulate them from that sort of behaviour

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A male teenager comes home , has sex education on his curriculum,asks his dad what masterbation is ..the father loses the plot and sends the teenager to his room , after a while his mother comes home and the father explains what happened, the mother says thats the norm in school nowadays ,sex education is on his curriculum, so his father goes to the teens room, enters without knocking ,sees the teenager whacking himself off and says " When you're finished your homework your dinner is ready "

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

A dolphin once crashed into me. Everyone said that it was an accident, but I'm sure that it was on Porpoise.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

Man walks in to a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp

'We don't sell wasps here mate' says the assistant

"then why have you got one in the window?'

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

Man goes to the doctor and says 'Can you help me, i keep thinking i'm turning in to a pig?'

'How long have you felt like this?' asks the Doc

'Just over a Wheeeeeeek!'

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How much does it cost Santa to park in London????

Nothing it’s on the house

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's blue and isn't heavy.....light blue

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ecky-booTV/TS
over a year ago

worthing

Hoew can you tell the difference between a buffalo and a bison ?

Easy, you can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un œuf

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *uff and FruitCouple
over a year ago

ely


"Man goes to the doctor and says 'Can you help me, i keep thinking i'm turning in to a pig?'

'How long have you felt like this?' asks the Doc

'Just over a Wheeeeeeek!'"

Just pissed myself laughing

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between jam and marmalade.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You can’t marmalade your cock up someone’s arse.

(Okay, not really a Dad joke)

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They’re not making 12 inch rulers any longer.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy texts his best friend very sad with his new romance :

-“ what’s up buddy ?”

-“ you know that lovely girl I met on dating app yeah ?”

Since she joined that gym and is taking ablot of that esteroids things . I’m worried .

She has been growing little hairs in her face ….

-“ Really ?”

-“ yeah . And big muscles , big arms … And she has been very aggressive lately . And now all she wants is to stick her clit up my arse “

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

A bloke is driving through the countryside when suddenly his car begins to splutter and he pulls to the side of the road.

Its a quiet day, not a soul around and his phone has no signal.

He pops the bonnet open and stands there looking at the engine for a second, wondering what to do next.

Suddenly he hears someone say "sounds like a misfire on cylinder 4, check if the plug lead has come loose"

He looks round but can see nobody about, just a horse looking over the gate. Confused, he looks at the car again. "It ain't gonna fix itself mate and i can't do it for you" says the voice again.

He looks at the horse in disbelief, thinking he's going mad. "cylinder 4 is the nearest one to me, mate- just give the top of the lead a push".

Without saying a word, the guy does what he's told and the engine runs perfectly- the horse nods his head and wanders off.

After a few seconds the bloke gets in to his car and drives off in a bit of a daze. About a mile down the road he sees a couple of yokels chatting by a farm building. He pulls up and gets out of the car.

"You alright there mate?' asks the farm hand..."you look like you've seen a ghost!"

He then recounts the tale of the car trouble and the horse encounter and proclaims "you must think i'm crazy?- a talking horse!"

The two country gents look at each other for a few seconds, then one says "Was this a white horse?"

"No" says the bewildered traveller. "He was more of a light brown colour"

"Your luck is obviously in mate- if it was a white horse, he knows bugger all about cars, but he'll keep you there all day chatting about football"

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hate making spelling mistakes, I only have to mix up a couple of letters and the whole sentence is urined

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't throw sodium chloride at people

That's a salt

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don't vampires eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the drowning hippy?

Because he was too far out.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *lowhands7Man
over a year ago

South Leicestershire (willing to travel)

A man walks into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. "Do you sell fish cakes?" he asks. "Yes" comes a reply. "Oh great he'll be happy, it's his birthday".

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *humper.Man
over a year ago

northumberland/scotland

What bird is always out of breath?

Puffin.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

Told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.

She asked me: how do you know it was on its way to work?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *humper.Man
over a year ago

northumberland/scotland


"Told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.

She asked me: how do you know it was on its way to work? "

It was stag...ering along with a briefcase?

Yeah, I'm genuinely sorry.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you


"Told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.

She asked me: how do you know it was on its way to work?

It was stag...ering along with a briefcase?

Yeah, I'm genuinely sorry. "

Haha I ain't mad at that that was good lol

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *urbo TedMan
over a year ago

Stansted

Had to give up my hobby of swimming with sharks. It was expensive and ended up costing me an arm and a leg.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field


"Told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.

She asked me: how do you know it was on its way to work?

It was stag...ering along with a briefcase?

Yeah, I'm genuinely sorry. "

Was the case made by Antler?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

A Swedish man walks into ABBA

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *escourtesMan
over a year ago

hereford

Monkey in the jungle needs to fix his bike but cant find his tools..goes up to parrot says have you seen my tools ive lost them..Parrot says naa go see the hyena he was laughing about something...monkey asks hyena, he says naa i havnt got yer tools, go see the Jaguar..monkey goes up to Jaguar..have you seen my tools, jaguar says yep...Monkey says well can I have them back? jaguar says naa, ive eaten them...Monkey says wtf youve eaten them? jaguar replies yep, havnt you heard of a two litre Jaguar? (tooleater) i'll get my coat

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *exyPirateMan
over a year ago

Cambridge

“What do we want?”

“Low flying aeroplane noises!!”

“When do we want em?”

“NEEOOOWWWW!!”

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 15/10/22 18:51:03]

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *escourtesMan
over a year ago

hereford

Guy goes up to the bar, barman says what you drinking Donkey...Guy stood next to him says why does he call you Donkey? Donkey says I dont know eeyore, eeyore, eeyore ways calls me Donkey...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Between swingers and tourists who like to share …

What’s the difference between a blind and a Ferrari ?

Is ok to share the blonde

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bartender ask to customer.

-“ sorry . Not trying to be rude but is about the 8 or 9th pint I serve u and every time u drink u pick this whit paper of your shirt pocket .

If is ok to ask , what’s that all about ?

- oh that ? Ho ho ho , u alright . U can ask …

With a big smile on his face …

That’s my wife photo . When she is pretty enough I go back home

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe


"Between swingers and tourists who like to share …

What’s the difference between a blind and a Ferrari ?

Is ok to share the blonde "

I love surrealism

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

After ten years of trying for a baby, my sister finally decided to go to the doctor... he said he's not sure whether she's impregnable, or just inconceivable.

Cal

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I accidentally took my cats meds this morning, don't ask meow

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *urbo TedMan
over a year ago

Stansted


"“What do we want?”

“Low flying aeroplane noises!!”

“When do we want em?”

“NEEOOOWWWW!!”

"

I proper belly chuckled at this one

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s recently been proven that Dolphins are now the second most intelligent species on the planet behind Man…

Pushing women down to third!…

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I used to meet a woman who punched me in the face every time she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind until I found out she was faking them.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/10/22 01:28:55]

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"[Removed by poster at 17/10/22 01:28:55]"

2 guys in pub

pissed chatting crap over drinking n drinking for ages one says :

-“ think I’m done mate , my shoes walking me home … are you local ?

“ yeah , 15 down this road “

- “ really ? That’s funny , I live there .. 3rd floor”

And off they go . Make a move …

Lift stops , …

- “ Ah ! That’s funny … you live on 3rd floor

I live here too .

- “Noooooooooo “

“Yeaaaaaaah

-“where ? “

“Here this one “

Nope , that’s my door …. ( Laughing taping each other )

“No. that’s my door .” ( On n on )

Til they start getting hungry n pushing each other and voices getting louder .

The lady opens the door .

They stop as she is nodding …

“ like father , like son “ …

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

A scientist gets his first posting to an Antarctic research station. At lunchtime he starts feeling hungry so he heads off to the cafe. The menu reads:

Whale meat with rice

Whale meat with chips

Whale meat with couscous

Whale meat with sea

**TODAY'S SPECIAL: The Vera Lynn**

So he asks the chef: "What's the Vera Lynn?"

"Whale meat again..."

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How does a monkey make It’s cheese on toast ?

Puts it under the gorilla "

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into the vets with his dog

The vet picks the dog up,gives him the once over then turns to the man and says sorry I'm going to have to put him down

Why says the young man

Because he's bloody heavy replies the vet

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

Turns out Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.

They must not like random strangers turning up at their door.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You think electric and gas bills are expensive? I got my chimney bill earlier… it’s through the roof

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *oodforfun10Man
over a year ago

Westport

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? 'Dam!'

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

If you see a crime been committed in an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

My blind mate Dave is an absolute cunt.

I lent him £50 last week and he said "Don't worry Techno, I'll pay you back the next time I see you..."

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ocusMan
over a year ago

Cambridge

I gave my blind friend a cheesegrater for Christmas last year. I asked what he thought of it and he said it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ocusMan
over a year ago

Cambridge

A waiter asked a customer what he’d like to order.

“I’ll have the chicken pissoles please.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Chicken pissoles.”

“We don’t do anything like that I’m afraid.”

“Yes you do. Look it’s in the menu.”

“Oh I’m afraid that’s a printing error. It should say r”.

“Ok then I’ll have the chicken arseoles”

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

If anybody wants my favourite Bugs Bunny quotes...

...I'll send them in a WhatsApp doc.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I got a sweater last Christmas.

I'm hoping to get either a screamer or a moaner this year.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a female innuendo contest next week, I've just entered my girlfriend.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the dyslexic pirates who buried treasure and marked the spot on the map with a G instead of an X? No man has ever found that treasure

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I love this time of year, in the run-up to Christmas.

It's the time of year when your partner can walk into the room and you can slam your laptop shut without getting any disgusted looks.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I'm pretty sure "Do Not Touch" must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I like to keep fit by carrying a weighted backpack over challenging terrain every day.

Well, at least that sounds better than: "Every day I buy a couple of packs of beer and a bottle of cider from the dodgy local off-licence".

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *eaver1010Man
over a year ago

Liverpool

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all working on a construction site, building a new skyscraper in London. It’s lunchtime and they’re all sat atop the building. Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him.

“Ugh… Ham and cheese sandwich… again. I’m sick of ham and cheese sandwiches, it’s the same every bloody day. If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I’m jumping off the top of this building.”

Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box. “Aackk, jam sandwich… again. I cannee go on like this eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I’m jumping as well.”

Next it’s the Irishman’s turn. “Ohh for fecks sake! Not another egg and cress sandwich! That’s the fourth one in a row this week! I’m with you boys, one more egg and cress sandwich and I’m jumping!”

So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one they open up their lunch boxes… Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich, so off he jumps, and splats into the ground below. Scotsman finds another jam sandwich… Off he goes…Splat. Irishman, egg and cress sandwich… Splat.

A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. English widow says, through tears, “I still can’t believe it, had no idea George hated ham and cheese so much, if only i’d known…”

Scottish widow says “Duncan did say he was getting a bit bored of Jam, but I didn’t realise he hated it that much, I just wish he’d have let me know how he really felt.”

Irish widow says “I… I just don’t understand… Paddy made his own feckin butties!!!.”

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I still owe money to Clinton, Gates, Murray & Oddie.

I'm really struggling to pay my Bills...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I met a toddler who didn't know how to say "thank you" in Spanish.

I thought "that's poor for four"...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There has been an explosion in a cheese factory in France, apparently there is de brie everywhere

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *hromosexualsCouple
over a year ago

Near Abercynon


"If you see a crime been committed in an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"

In an Apple Store its technically just Scrumping.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Alcohol might not fix your life. But it’s worth a shot!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

Are The Pretenders and The Real Thing each other's tribute acts?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a Jaguar and a Cougar.

A Jaguar will drag a victim half it's weight up a tree, a Cougar will drag it's victim half it's age up against a tree

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *tsalwaysthequietonesCouple
over a year ago

Lancs


"I accidentally took my cats meds this morning, don't ask meow"

That really tickled me

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *tsalwaysthequietonesCouple
over a year ago

Lancs

I used to hang out with a lovely fella that wrote songs about sewing machines

He was a singer songwriter

Or sew it seems

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I received an email explaining how to read maps backwards.

It was spam...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the man fall down the hole?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard... and after that, he went downhill very quickly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

'What do we want'?

'A cure for Tourette's'

'When do we want it'?

'CUNT'.!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

First frosty cold morning today....

I tried removing the ice from my windscreen with my Tesco Clubcard....

I don't recommend it. I only got 10% off.!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

Man goes to the Doctor for his prostate exam.

He is taking off his trousers and boxers, the Doctor, putting gloves on, says.

"Some people can get an erection during this procedure".

Once the check is done and the man is putting his trousers on, he turns to the Dr and says" See Doc, I didn't get a hard on during that".

"No", replied the Doctor, "But I did".

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Tentacles

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wish I knew what IDK means. Every time I’ve asked, they tell me ‘I don’t know!’

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

Atom 1: I think I lost an electron.

Atom 2: Are you sure?

Atom 1: Yes, I'm positive...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

If you have a break down in an electric car you can still use the AA.

Well, unless it's a small electric car in which case you'll need to use the AAA.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I hate Christmas shopping.

I went to Boots but, apparently, they don't sell boots.

Then I went to Selfridges but it seems they don't, erm, sell fridges.

Then I went to Curry's. Guess what, not a madras in sight.

It all reminds me of my last visit to a Virgin Megastore...

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By *nnandElleCouple
over a year ago

Brackley

What did the electrician's wife say to the electrician when he got home at 3am?

Wire you insulate?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

I see there is a law that you have to drive with your lights on when it is raining in Sweden.

Ok

But how the hell am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?

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By *linyMan
over a year ago

Manchester/London

Why can’t men wear shorts in Ukraine? Because Chernobyl fallout

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By *linyMan
over a year ago

Manchester/London

How do you find a blind man on a nudists beach?

It’s not hard!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

What is the difference between a pot of yogurt and the United States?

If you left the yogurt untouched for 250 years you would still have some culture.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

I once worked in factory that made large keyboards. The shifts were long.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

Awful news about the French Cheese factory explosion.

No one was hurt, but de brie was everywhere.

OR

Nissan Car factory explosion, it rained Datsun cogs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to be so indecisive but now I'm not so sure

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was younger my dad used to hit me with a camera.

I keep having flashbacks!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ysonfuryMan
over a year ago

Stockport

My cock was in the Guinness book of world records, but the librarian made me take it out

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By *opman121Man
over a year ago

stoke on trent

Paddy goes to the florist goes in and asks can I buy a bunch of flowers lady asks is there something u would like paddy says yes a shag

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *.T.Man
over a year ago

Jordanhill / Scotstoun


"Caught my kid chewing electric cables… after a punishment he’s currently defusing the situation…

Is he grounded?

You should insulate them from that sort of behaviour "

He should learn how to conduct himself better

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The model village near us burnt down last night.

They reckoned you could see the flames from 10ft away.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you know your little sister is on her period? Your dad's cock tastes like blood

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

What is the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?

One of them is an elephant

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

I like to say "Mucho" to my Spanish colleagues, it means a lot to them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the deal with train spotters?! I counted 27 of the losers today...

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ez669Man
over a year ago

East Kilbride

Tow old ladiea sitting having tea one day when one asks did you come on the bus thebday Margaret. Yes she said but I managed to make it look like an asthima attck

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

I asked my phone,

"Siri, will it rain tomorrow?"

It replied,

"No, there will no rain tomorrow in London, and don't call me Shirley"

And that is when I realised I had left the phone in Airplane mode.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ixed MisterMan
over a year ago

London

Him: “Have you heard of Murphy’s law?”

Her: “Yeah.”

Him: “What is it?”

Her: “If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.”

Him: “Have you heard of Cole’s law?”

Her: “No, what is it?”

Him: “Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo.”

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ixed MisterMan
over a year ago

London

My girlfriend poked my in the eyes.

So I stopped seeing her for a while.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is a heavy animal, the other a little lighter.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/04/23 08:06:50]

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *rafter85Man
over a year ago

Rugeley

[Removed by poster at 21/04/23 09:40:13]

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *rafter85Man
over a year ago

Rugeley


"What's blue and isn't heavy.....light blue"

I’m sooooo using that later

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *eneralKenobiMan
over a year ago

North Angus

How does the Rock Pee?

He Dwayne’s his Johnson

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original


"My girlfriend poked my in the eyes.

So I stopped seeing her for a while."
)

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A vicar, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar.

And the rabbit turns to the other 2 and says,

"I think I am a typo"."

A priest and a paedophile walked into a bar.

He ordered a pint and sat on his own

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *eneralKenobiMan
over a year ago

North Angus

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

I burt my dinner last night, I was having an Hawaiian Pizza

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *onguesandpunsMan
over a year ago

East Midlands

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some of these are really funny, but yes definitely, most are bad dad jokes. I have a bad dad joke, which I just thought of in fact. Who and where is he?

I know that is the worst one yet lol. I'll leave this forum lol

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

I went broke trying to run a dating app for chickens

Well it was a struggle to make hens meet

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

I have just joined a local amateur autopsy club, looking forward to next Tuesday.

It is open Mike night.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the doctor and said I haven't been feeling myself lately.

He said at least you taste has improved

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One day in little Jonny's class the teacher asks can anyone use the word intelligent in a sentence? Little Mary answers, "The teacher is very intelligent."

Very good Mary, then looks at little Jonny and asks him to use the word 'dictates' in a sentence.

Little Jonny pauses for a second before replying, "Last night I heard daddy ask mommy, how does my dictates?"

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *apidaryMan
over a year ago

Chipping Norton


"A vicar, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar.

And the rabbit turns to the other 2 and says,

"I think I am a typo".

A priest and a paedophile walked into a bar.

He ordered a pint and sat on his own "

Similar theme, more positive spin:

A Jew, a black woman, a surgeon and a lesbian walk into a bar.

She orders a drink.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A vicar, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar.

And the rabbit turns to the other 2 and says,

"I think I am a typo".

A priest and a paedophile walked into a bar.

He ordered a pint and sat on his own

Similar theme, more positive spin:

A Jew, a black woman, a surgeon and a lesbian walk into a bar.

She orders a drink."

You're just a nicer person than me!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *aggonerMan
over a year ago

for a penny


"What is the difference between a pot of yogurt and the United States?

If you left the yogurt untouched for 250 years you would still have some culture. "

America is the only country to progress from a state of barbarism to a state of decadence without passing through a state of culture.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little Jonny runs into the kitchen to tell his mommy that Granny has a prawn!

His mother asks him what the hell he is talking about?

Little Jonny leads his mother into the lounge where they find his Grandmother asleep on the sofa only wearing her dressing gown that has slipped open.

Jonny points to her exposed clitoris and indicates to his mother where he thinks the prawn is!

Horrified his mother tells him that is not a prawn but a clit!

Confused now, little Jonny explains to his mommy, "But it tastes like a prawn?!?"

It passed the you tube algorithm. Its fine.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

I know a Mathematician who is terrified of negative numbers.

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *eyeYCouple
over a year ago

Nr Leicester

2 fish in tank, one turns to the other ank asks. So, do you know how to drive this thing?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"2 fish in tank, one turns to the other ank asks. So, do you know how to drive this thing?"

One of my brother's favourites!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *eyeYCouple
over a year ago

Nr Leicester


"2 fish in tank, one turns to the other ank asks. So, do you know how to drive this thing?

One of my brother's favourites! "

Is that a good or bad thing?

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

Two seagulls stood on a perch... one says to the other " do you smell fish?"

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

I'm not that keen on puns, they leave me a bit numb

Maths puns leave me number

B

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *edeWoman
over a year ago

the abyss


"I'm not that keen on puns, they leave me a bit numb

Maths puns leave me number

B"

I laughed too much at that

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

Why do Peruvian Owls hunt in pairs?

Because they are Inca Hoots

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My friend asked me yesterday whether it annoyed me when people mispronounced footballer's names.

"defo" I replied

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple
over a year ago

Southampton


"Why do Peruvian Owls hunt in pairs?

Because they are Inca Hoots"

Haha I love this! Stealing lol

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *uckmonkeyMan
over a year ago

devon

What’s blue and fucks old ladies?………..hypothermia….

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *avinaTVTV/TS
over a year ago

Transsexual Transylvania

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple
over a year ago

Southampton


"What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis."

Ewww but also ()

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ndycoinsMan
over a year ago

Whaley Bridge,Nr Buxton,

I tried to catch some fog today.Mist.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

See the man who invented the cough drops has died.

So you know, there will be no coffin at the funeral.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

The wife just left me said my life revolves around football & she was sick of it!

I’m really upset we were together for 7 seasons

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ischi3fMan
over a year ago

Carmarthen Outskirts

What do you call a Bullet Proof Irish man?

Rick O'Shay

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never challenge death to a pillow fight.

Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *axtenMan
over a year ago

Darlington

What's the difference twixt a Hippo and a Zippo?

A Hippo's very heavy, but a Zippo's a little lighter

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *dnmartin OP   Man
over a year ago

Hounslow

What do you call.....

A gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

A Lesbian Dinosaur?

Licalodapus

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham


"What do you call a Bullet Proof Irish man?

Rick O'Shay "

Surely the correct version of this joke is

What do you call an Irish man that bounces off walls

Rick o'shea

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *hepherdsbush29Man
over a year ago

shepherds bush

So my youngest is learning Spanish in school. He doesn’t even no the word for please though… pour for four if you ask me

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A pun walks into a bar and shoots 10 people.

Pun in ten dead.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ewdtenantMan
over a year ago

Sheffield


"I don't make mathematical puns unless I am desperate.

But I will if I half to."

I'd say that was average, but that would be mean.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ewdtenantMan
over a year ago

Sheffield

I've just joined the reincarnation society.

It cost £500, but I thought, well - you only live once.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Joke for swinging couples

Ken who's married visits his girlfriend...stroking his bearded face she says...oh Ken I'd really love it if you'd shave your beard off so I can feel your smooth face..

I can't says Ken my wife loves my beard...oh please says his girlfriend in a sultry voice fluttering her eye lids ...Ken relents and proceeds to shave off his beard...

That night when he gets home he slips into bed alongside his wife who's asleep...his movement half wakes his wife who turns over reaches out and strokes her husbands face and says

Oh dave what are you doing here you know my husband will be home soon.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *za123Man
over a year ago

cardiff

What’s the difference between a Kit Kat and a girl from England.

Well you only get 4 fingers in a Kit Kat

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *erry bull1Man
over a year ago

doncaster

Velcro is a rip off

Crazy paving isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *inballs99Man
over a year ago

Blackheath

What is blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint!

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple
over a year ago

Southampton


"What’s the difference between a Kit Kat and a girl from England.

Well you only get 4 fingers in a Kit Kat "

.... what's the difference between a shopping trolley and a welsh girl? A shopping trolley has a Mind of its own .... . ..

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a Chick Pea and a Lentil?

Never had a lentil on my face.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple
over a year ago

Southampton

Lol

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asks the rabbit "What blood type are you?"

"I think I'm a Type-O", replied the rabbit

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ulieAndBeefCouple
over a year ago

Manchester-ish

If 3PO is short for C-3PO, R2 is short for R2-D2 and Chewy is short for Chewbacca, what is Luke short for?

?

?

?

A Stormtrooper

B

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

I was shagging this married woman on her kitchen table...when we heard the front door opening.its my husband .quick she said use the back door...

Looking back I should have legged it but you don't get invites like that every day

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *an de LyonMan
over a year ago

welling

What did one wall say to the other?

Meet you in the corner

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Bring back lindisfarne...

Meet me on the corner when the lights are going down

And I'll be there

I promise I'll be there

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *oungAtHeartCurvyCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Edinburgh

What cheese will never be yours?

Nacho cheese

 (closed, thread got too big)

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