FabSwingers.com forum: Residual trauma shitness.

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

I've had a wobbly weekend to say the least.

Was on the bus to work Saturday and had headphones in watching YouTube (luckily)

A few stops down a group of people get on. Pew, stinky, someone has clearly brought whacky baccy onto the bus coz it's ponging. I look up to see which stinker it is, who would be so inconsiderate to the rest of their travellers.

Seat in front of me....... the abusive ex.

Now, I know full well he's seen me coz I was sat in clear view with no seats directly in front of me (there was the trolley space in front of me) and he was sat in the seat behind the driver. So literally me, gap, him. I could see him looking at me in the reflection in the window and putting his head down, looking, head down.

Well fuck me all hell broke loose inside my body. Heart racing, dry mouth, sweating the lot. Messaged my son in a panic while trying to pretend outwardly I hadn't noticed him coz I didn't want him to know I'd seen him.

Spent the next 5 or so hours at work in fight or flight still with dry mouth and sweating profusely.

Then the mind decided it was gonna join the body in it's "oh shitness". The fact he was on a bus is a red flag, I can only make an educated guess that he's finally been done for drink/drug driving. I know he drinks in a bar relatively close to my work coz a few of our lot go there sometimes after work and he's been in there on a weekend. So now my brain is having a panic too. What if he's on my bus back and d*unk? What if seeing me will trigger something in him when he's been drinking?

Fucking checked every nook and cranny when I got home, and again when I woke up just in case.

I'm fucking pissed off that I feel like this. I'm fucking pissed off that now I'm finding myself second guessing how he may behave or wondering if this is gonna be a regular thing now if he has indeed lost his driving licence or maybe it was a one off coz his car was in the garage etc. It's the unknown that fucks you up, the second guessing.

For all I know he could be completely ashamed of his behaviour in the past and would never lift a finger or try to kill someone again, or he could be the exact same person and seeing me could have triggered him and now he's playing out scenario's in his head.

Urgh.

How do you stop the wondering? How do you stop being on edge?

I just want it fucking gone.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *istyPeaksCouple
over a year ago

braintree

Do you have a trusted colleague that could meet you off the bus for a bit so you feel safer?

Or short term would someone give you a lift? I know I would do that for someone in a heartbeat.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Do you have a trusted colleague that could meet you off the bus for a bit so you feel safer?

Or short term would someone give you a lift? I know I would do that for someone in a heartbeat.

Yeah, I got a lift back Saturday and will do for a while I think, but at the same time I don't want the cunt winning or in my head.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rFoxAndXenoCouple
over a year ago

Weymouth

I've been super triggered lately due to some crap coming up with my abusive ex, it really is so crap.

Biggest of hugs to you OP

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *istyPeaksCouple
over a year ago

braintree

You already won the war. You got out!!! This is a battle. The fact that he is out of your heart speaks louder than the fact that he may currently be in your head.

He’s a pathetic excuse for a man. He won’t win.

Although I do understand how utterly terrifying and maddening it must be.

I’m glad you have an ally.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I've been super triggered lately due to some crap coming up with my abusive ex, it really is so crap.

Biggest of hugs to you OP

It really is proper wank. Not a good wank, a wank with sandpaper and a house brick.

I feel ya, I'm sorry you've been in a situation that leaves you with triggers. Collateral fucking damage and it's shit.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

This is normal. You're still winning. But the remnants remain. It'll just get easier to deal with.

Try to use the techniques that bring you a physical feeling of safety - grounding, meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, letting out agitation through physical activity, etc.

I'm very sorry you're going through it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wow i can imagine how triggering it is.. You've got to remind yourself of the progress you've made - you are not the same person that you were then and you have your own power

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *parrow77Man
over a year ago

cheshire

It’s horrible when this happens last week was anniversary of my sexual assault and everything for weeks before reminded me of it and last week I noticed k was looking around being extra nervous incase attacker appeared again.

I know unlikely but cos I seen him few yrs ago in Chester with his partner always worried me what if see him again now am I strong enough.

Last week cos so hightened was constantly on edge with fight or flight ready go.

If ever want ear to list or chat msg me it sucks but your stronger than you think but sometimes that’s not enough to be safe

Huge hug

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cant add any value other than to send hugs and hope you can get through this

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

That's shit but from what I've seen of u here u are a strong person! Take care x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe speak to some local organisations to help with treatment, therapy etc etc.

Is it going to cure the problems? Of course not, but you might, just maybe, be able to reduce it from oh fuckity fuck fuck to, oh, there's that fuckity fuckwit.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've had a wobbly weekend to say the least.

Was on the bus to work Saturday and had headphones in watching YouTube (luckily)

Seat in front of me....... the abusive ex.

Spent the next 5 or so hours at work in fight or flight still with dry mouth and sweating profusely.

Fucking checked every nook and cranny when I got home, and again when I woke up just in case.

Urgh.

How do you stop the wondering? How do you stop being on edge?

I just want it fucking gone.

Bit naughty maybe but got a local biker bar you can start frequenting? Just make some new friends then if anything happens and you look stressed someone is sure to ask why...at that point no more problem. Leastways it worked for my cousin...interestingly enough she's now married to a biker. He's actually a great guy and worships her. Doesn't take shit or people messing with his friends and family though.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Maybe speak to some local organisations to help with treatment, therapy etc etc.

Is it going to cure the problems? Of course not, but you might, just maybe, be able to reduce it from oh fuckity fuck fuck to, oh, there's that fuckity fuckwit."

Oh don't get me wrong I ain't scared of him on a bus, I don't believe for a second he'd attack me in public like that.

What gives me the fear is once he's got alcohol inside him and grown some bollocks instead of the pathetic piece of shit he really is, what he's capable of then.

I attempted to do the grounding thing once I got to work (what can I see, hear, touch etc that's real right now) but it didn't help coz I knew I'd just seen him and he was real and really in front of me.

I wish I had a glimpse into that twisted brain of his and knew one way or another what his intentions are or even if he gave me a second thought so I can prepare myself.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Perhaps his car was broken..in for a service or mot ...he might not use the bus again...my advice is get engrossed in some you tube nonsense then yay not even notice him there

big hugs BTW xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

I think if anything I was more shocked at how my body responded. I genuinely believed I wouldn't be phased by seeing him and would pay him no mind.

But nope, I'm not as recovered as I thought I was. Yaay.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m really sorry you’ve gone through this and still dealing with the consequences.

I got out of a similar situation myself a very long time ago and still have PTSD reactions when I get in similar situations (not even seeing that person anymore). It’s shit, but there’s help and things get better over time.

If you need to vent feel free to drop me a DM

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I've had a wobbly weekend to say the least.

Was on the bus to work Saturday and had headphones in watching YouTube (luckily)

Seat in front of me....... the abusive ex.

Spent the next 5 or so hours at work in fight or flight still with dry mouth and sweating profusely.

Fucking checked every nook and cranny when I got home, and again when I woke up just in case.

Urgh.

How do you stop the wondering? How do you stop being on edge?

I just want it fucking gone.

I don't really go out, and I can't say I'd go for that reason. I don't want to rely on others for feelings of safety.

I want to be confident I ain't gonna have a freak out, not confident other people can save my bacon for me. I'd fight the cunt if it came to it, have done before, will do again, just that before I knew it was coming, it's not knowing whether it is or not that got me all wobbly.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rtyIanMan
over a year ago

Gateway to the Beacons

"I think if anything I was more shocked at how my body responded. I genuinely believed I wouldn't be phased by seeing him and would pay him no mind.

But nope, I'm not as recovered as I thought I was. Yaay."

Start with conscious breathing. Breathe in for 5 seconds, hold the breath for 5 seconds, and breathe out for 5 seconds. Continue this pattern until you find your thoughts slowing down.

5. Acknowledge 5 THINGS around you that you can SEE. Maybe it is a clock on the wall, carpet on the floor, a table or chair, clouds moving past, or a nearby tree. However big or small, recognize 5 items you can see with your eyes.

4. Acknowledge 4 THINGS around you that you can TOUCH. Maybe it is your computer at work, the chair you are sitting on, your legs or hair, or your wallet or purse. Recognize 4 items you can feel with your hands or body.

3. Acknowledge 3 THINGS around you that you can HEAR. Maybe it is the sound of people talking or walking, the laughter of children, birds chirping. Use your fine-tuning and see if you can hear ambient sounds you may not normally tune into – clocks ticking, cars going by. Name 3 things that are audible to you.

2. Acknowledge 2 THINGS around you that you can SMELL. This one may be tricky if you are not in a stimulating environment, so if you cannot automatically sniff something out, walk nearby to find a scent. You might walk to a bathroom to smell soap, outside to smell something in nature, lean over and smell a pillow on the couch, a pencil on the desk, or check to see how your deodorant is working today. Whatever it may be, take in the smells around you.

1. Acknowledge 1 THING that you can TASTE. It might be the aftertaste of coffee, gum or your last meal. Or take a sip of water or grab a snack if it is handy. I also recommend taking an additional deep breath when done.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I’m really sorry you’ve gone through this and still dealing with the consequences.

If you need to vent feel free to drop me a DM

Fucking pants ain't it. Yes seeing him caught me off guard and made me uncomfortable, but fucking jesus, it was the reaction inside of me that I was totally not expecting. Daft as it sounds it almost felt like my body was betraying me and working with him against me.

Madness.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think if anything I was more shocked at how my body responded. I genuinely believed I wouldn't be phased by seeing him and would pay him no mind.

But nope, I'm not as recovered as I thought I was. Yaay."

Well now you are prepared, as you know it could happen again. You don't have to be paranoid, just prepared. Odds are he won't bother you, but if he looks at you directly, don't look away immediately. just hold his gaze for a few seconds before looking away and finding something more interesting on your phone or whatever, and have the camera app selected jic. He just caught you unawares, but didn't approach you, and probably wouldn't again. Be hugged.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m really sorry you’ve gone through this and still dealing with the consequences.

If you need to vent feel free to drop me a DM

Madness."

Mind is a powerful thing unfortunately and there are many things in our subconscious that we can’t control

It is ok to feel this way but you seem like strong woman, pretty sure you will get there slowly but surely.

Loads of hugs x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

First of all, your reaction was totally normal and valid, give yourself permission to have felt like that.

Second, have you thought of getting some counselling? You can access it through your GP, and some workplaces offer an EAP programme.

Some trauma can be dealt with alone, but mostly it needs a professional to work with you.

Do you journal? Can you get some of the thoughts out on paper?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"First of all, your reaction was totally normal and valid, give yourself permission to have felt like that.

Second, have you thought of getting some counselling? You can access it through your GP, and some workplaces offer an EAP programme.

Some trauma can be dealt with alone, but mostly it needs a professional to work with you.

Do you journal? Can you get some of the thoughts out on paper?"

This.

Also CFT could help

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"First of all, your reaction was totally normal and valid, give yourself permission to have felt like that.

Second, have you thought of getting some counselling? You can access it through your GP, and some workplaces offer an EAP programme.

Some trauma can be dealt with alone, but mostly it needs a professional to work with you.

Do you journal? Can you get some of the thoughts out on paper?

This.

Also CFT could help "

Also, EMDR, but this may be cost prohibitive

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"First of all, your reaction was totally normal and valid, give yourself permission to have felt like that.

Second, have you thought of getting some counselling? You can access it through your GP, and some workplaces offer an EAP programme.

Some trauma can be dealt with alone, but mostly it needs a professional to work with you.

Do you journal? Can you get some of the thoughts out on paper?

This.

Also CFT could help

Also, EMDR, but this may be cost prohibitive "

You can actually self refer yourself through the nhs website but the waiting list is a bit long

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"First of all, your reaction was totally normal and valid, give yourself permission to have felt like that.

Second, have you thought of getting some counselling? You can access it through your GP, and some workplaces offer an EAP programme.

Some trauma can be dealt with alone, but mostly it needs a professional to work with you.

Do you journal? Can you get some of the thoughts out on paper?

This.

Also CFT could help

Also, EMDR, but this may be cost prohibitive "

I had 6 weeks I think it was, that was when I had the breakdown 15 months after I broke free. I was too scared to leave the house at that point and thought everyone judging and laughing at me, like they could see straight into my mind and see how crazy I was. Everyone and everywhere apart from swinging clubs strangely enough, coz I (stupidly) thought that swingers were all honest and had no reason to lie or manipulate

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"First of all, your reaction was totally normal and valid, give yourself permission to have felt like that.

Second, have you thought of getting some counselling? You can access it through your GP, and some workplaces offer an EAP programme.

Some trauma can be dealt with alone, but mostly it needs a professional to work with you.

Do you journal? Can you get some of the thoughts out on paper?

This.

Also CFT could help

Also, EMDR, but this may be cost prohibitive

I will say you’re doing way better then! Don’t hesitate to ask for help again if you think you need it.

Also great to see you’ve come to your senses and see the swinger scene for what it is lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"First of all, your reaction was totally normal and valid, give yourself permission to have felt like that.

Second, have you thought of getting some counselling? You can access it through your GP, and some workplaces offer an EAP programme.

Some trauma can be dealt with alone, but mostly it needs a professional to work with you.

Do you journal? Can you get some of the thoughts out on paper?

This.

Also CFT could help

Also, EMDR, but this may be cost prohibitive

There would probably be a lot of value in going again if you can, because you’re in a different part of the process now.

I think SweetCherry is correct, that you can self refer.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

I'm sorry you've been through this. I've got nothing useful to add, but there's some good advice on here from people. I hope the rest of the week is better

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you got any local DV services who you can speak to? Or WomensAid have a national helpline.

It was shit on the bus etc but you survived it. Be proud of that.

Big massive hugs xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think if anything I was more shocked at how my body responded. I genuinely believed I wouldn't be phased by seeing him and would pay him no mind.

But nope, I'm not as recovered as I thought I was. Yaay."

I think you should try reframing how you see that intense physical response. To me it's not your body broken it's your body on guard. Your instincts are in full awareness now because you have had them switched on and hardwired by a life event.

Don't see him as a 'trigger' of damage done to you, see him as a threat that your body has learned and grown and trained itself to watch for.

Don't fight your response to him or see it as a negative, celebrate it. You won the last round, you'll win the next.

You can't determine if or how or when your paths might cross but you now know you won't crumble, you will be alert and your body will keep you safe in so far as you can.

See it through different eyes, you've got him beat already

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread