FabSwingers.com forum: I don't think I'll ever overcome my social anxieties

By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

Each time I go to a club, it gets more difficult than the last as soon as it gets busy which would then end up sitting for a while and then leaving feeling really down.

I would see everyone chatting with their friends and I can't even pluck the courage nor strength to say hello as I don't know many of them. Some may recognise me from previous visits but I don't think they know me. I do try, I really do but it keeps getting difficult.

When I look at everyone with their friends, it makes me feel like I have no one. I used to have friends who I would meet up with but I hardly see them anymore.

I guess I'm just gonna have to face that I'm never gonna overcome my social anxieties and will never make new friends

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By *ayHaychMan
over a year ago

Leeds (Home) / Sheffield (Work)

A club as in a sex club or just when you go out with mates? There are therapies which can certainly help with social anxiety!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear that OP, if it makes you anxious or stresses you, and it’s worse each time you go, is it worth evaluating why you do keep returning?

I know how debilitating these things can be and not everyone will understand the emotions you go through.

I hope that things resolve themselves and that you can overcome this, have you researched any self-help or local resources than can help with this?

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"A club as in a sex club or just when you go out with mates? There are therapies which can certainly help with social anxiety! "

Swinging clubs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Clubs sex or other are probably the single worst place to meet new people.

Your veris and your own profile seem to portay you as a friendly chatty guy.

Perhaps forget about Clubs and concentrate on social environments that suit you better

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By *ayHaychMan
over a year ago

Leeds (Home) / Sheffield (Work)

"A club as in a sex club or just when you go out with mates? There are therapies which can certainly help with social anxiety!

Swinging clubs"

Do you find you have social anxiety outside of fab/swinging clubs?

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"Sorry to hear that OP, if it makes you anxious or stresses you, and it’s worse each time you go, is it worth evaluating why you do keep returning?

I know how debilitating these things can be and not everyone will understand the emotions you go through.

I hope that things resolve themselves and that you can overcome this, have you researched any self-help or local resources than can help with this?"

I go because I feel like I would miss out if I didn't.

As for researching self help, sadly no.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Relatable

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Sorry to hear that OP, if it makes you anxious or stresses you, and it’s worse each time you go, is it worth evaluating why you do keep returning?

I know how debilitating these things can be and not everyone will understand the emotions you go through.

I hope that things resolve themselves and that you can overcome this, have you researched any self-help or local resources than can help with this?

I go because I feel like I would miss out if I didn't.

As for researching self help, sadly no."

Do you feel able to do some research?

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By *hatEscalatedQuicklyCouple
over a year ago

scotland

It's not easy with anxieties. I haven't been to a club but I can relate to the nerves on striking up conversation.

It's all easier said than done but I'll say what's helping me in the hope it may also help you. Still a long way to go.

Try not to be hard on yourself. Be kind and understand that you're in a difficult situation for your brain to cope with. You've done well just turning up!

Try to remember 'what good things could come from saying hello'. Rather than focus on the worst outcomes.

Count to 3 and just say hello to someone. Once you've done it once it'll get easier.

Everyone will be feeling nerves to an extent. Some people are just good at hiding it or doing things anyway.

It doesn't need to be a perfect introduction, saying something is progress on saying nothing.

You could also try striking up chat on here with people who are attending so you've already got people you kinda know. I've seen forum posts where people do that.

Good luck OP. You got this

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

To be honest I don't suffer from social anxiety and I couldn't go to a club alone. I think it's quite brave to do it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s supposed to be fun mate.

Maybe it just ain’t for you?

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"Clubs sex or other are probably the single worst place to meet new people.

Your veris and your own profile seem to portay you as a friendly chatty guy.

Perhaps forget about Clubs and concentrate on social environments that suit you better"

I don't think I know any other social environments.

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"Sorry to hear that OP, if it makes you anxious or stresses you, and it’s worse each time you go, is it worth evaluating why you do keep returning?

I know how debilitating these things can be and not everyone will understand the emotions you go through.

I hope that things resolve themselves and that you can overcome this, have you researched any self-help or local resources than can help with this?

I go because I feel like I would miss out if I didn't.

As for researching self help, sadly no.

Do you feel able to do some research?"

Might do when I'm in a better mood

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Clubs sex or other are probably the single worst place to meet new people.

Your veris and your own profile seem to portay you as a friendly chatty guy.

Perhaps forget about Clubs and concentrate on social environments that suit you better

I don't think I know any other social environments."

What are your hobbies other than fab related ones.

Google that, there are social clubs for pretty much everything now. Men's sheds etc...

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"Clubs sex or other are probably the single worst place to meet new people.

Your veris and your own profile seem to portay you as a friendly chatty guy.

Perhaps forget about Clubs and concentrate on social environments that suit you better

I don't think I know any other social environments.

What are your hobbies other than fab related ones.

Google that, there are social clubs for pretty much everything now. Men's sheds etc...

Apart from watching movies or playing video games, not much I can think of at the moment.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

~Actually, this sounds like I used to be, before I met Miss Devi/Angel Nudel all those years ago

I took up naturism and swinging pretty much at the same time and strangely find both environments easier to relax in and meet new people. I did both on the same day once and was hooked with both scenes.

Vanilla pubs and clubs are still difficult for me, but these smaller groups are much more open and chatty. Being naked is second nature to me.

What you need is a club that welcomes nervous single males, that has a social room, such as Jaydees. Here you can sit in a relaxed area and just chat away.

If you go on a fancy dress night, Halloween or Back to School nights and make the effort yourself, you can use the line "Nice outfit!" as a non-cheesy/sleazy ice breaker. It's easy to remember and we all like compliments after trying to find the right gear, to wear, which can be a long haul...Such a simple phrase like that speaks volumes, you've said Hello/I like you/I like your outfit/I can speak/I'm being brave/It made me smile. Ps nice arse/boob/smile. They know why you said it.

(None of the above need saying out loud as, those two words have said it all for you. You never know what mates they have and kind words don't hurt.)

Fancy dress is a brilliant (plague) mask to hide behind and develop a stage persona, giving you time to breathe and relax, before the panic monster turns up and ruins the moment.

Having a set of spikey gloves helps too...I feel lost without mine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It’s supposed to be fun mate.

Maybe it just ain’t for you? "

Helpful....not!

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

Years back, I would be ok as I know one of my friends would be at the club but then the pandemic happened and since then, I'd be at a club by myself with no one to hang about with so it's pretty much ruined my social life and sent me back to where I started.

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

Is it possible for you to get to group socials ? And get to know people and build up a small friendship group who you can go to clubs with.

I get nervous walking into a club with my husband so I can’t imagine what it would be like on my own.

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"Is it possible for you to get to group socials ? And get to know people and build up a small friendship group who you can go to clubs with.

I get nervous walking into a club with my husband so I can’t imagine what it would be like on my own."

I don't think I know any social groups to be honest.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Take a couple of packs of Jaffa cakes and people will remember you for years to come

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is it possible for you to get to group socials ? And get to know people and build up a small friendship group who you can go to clubs with.

I get nervous walking into a club with my husband so I can’t imagine what it would be like on my own.

I don't think I know any social groups to be honest."

Look in the meet requests and parties forum. There will be something local to you.

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

I know the feeling, it's really difficult! Any kind of social situation where I don't know people gives me massive anxiety.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I feel you! I get anxiety every time I enter a club solo. If I had to approach people I don’t know if I could do it. I really feel for single men who aren’t outgoing by nature!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It’s supposed to be fun mate.

Maybe it just ain’t for you? "

What an empathetic response!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you’d feel happier attending with someone as a friend feel free to drop me a message! I’m not the most outgoing but people usually make an effort to chat to me in clubs!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No experience of clubs but same with any social situation. It would easier to go or arrange to meet someone ( can be purely social)as you have least have some friendly faces. Put out feelers on the meet section as to who else is going. Ditto socials in your area.Could always approach the owners and explain your social anxiety and could give you a few intros. If you can try to remember people and details so when you meet again you have a reference point to start a conversation.

Best of luck.

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By *omoxfordMan
over a year ago

leeds

I can relate to this I find it difficult to start conversation when there's music on an it's loud perhaps I m going deaf in my old age

Look at it from another angle is there another single guy that could go with you so your not alone

You say you like video games in Leeds ( kirkstall) there is a retro video games arcade maybe you could meet someone at something like that

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By *eandmrsjones69Couple
over a year ago

Middle England

It's a tough one. By definition swing clubs are social events and I can understand why you might struggle in that environment.

As other have said maybe see if there are any socials where you can go first; may be a bit less intense than a club and just chat and get to know people. I'd say it would be easier to talk to people at a social and maybe you could arrange to go with someone to a club with you next time.

Don't think there are any easy answers. Take small steps and you'll get there in the end. Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you’d feel happier attending with someone as a friend feel free to drop me a message! I’m not the most outgoing but people usually make an effort to chat to me in clubs! "
lovely suggestion duchess x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you’d feel happier attending with someone as a friend feel free to drop me a message! I’m not the most outgoing but people usually make an effort to chat to me in clubs! "

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

"Clubs sex or other are probably the single worst place to meet new people.

Your veris and your own profile seem to portay you as a friendly chatty guy.

Perhaps forget about Clubs and concentrate on social environments that suit you better

I don't think I know any other social environments.

What are your hobbies other than fab related ones.

Google that, there are social clubs for pretty much everything now. Men's sheds etc...

Apart from watching movies or playing video games, not much I can think of at the moment."

Google meetups and see if there is anything you fancy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you’d feel happier attending with someone as a friend feel free to drop me a message! I’m not the most outgoing but people usually make an effort to chat to me in clubs! lovely suggestion duchess x"

Sometimes it’s just easier attending with a single female I think! People make the effort to chat to women in a way that they don’t with men sadly!

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"If you’d feel happier attending with someone as a friend feel free to drop me a message! I’m not the most outgoing but people usually make an effort to chat to me in clubs! "

I'll make sure to keep that in mind.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/09/22 19:47:19]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes it’s just easier attending with a single female I think! People make the effort to chat to women in a way that they don’t with men sadly! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

there is no easy answer, both of us deal with this as neither of us are outgoing. Try going to a social event about hobbies or interests and take things one step at a time, no matter how small. I know it's easier said than done though. Mr

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"It’s supposed to be fun mate.

Maybe it just ain’t for you?

What an empathetic response! "

Or an example of circular thinking. Those that know: really know.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"there is no easy answer, both of us deal with this as neither of us are outgoing. Try going to a social event about hobbies or interests and take things one step at a time, no matter how small. I know it's easier said than done though. Mr"

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

I'm thinking of taking a break from going to the clubs for a while until I feel more confident in myself. It's just got to the point where it's almost becoming pointless going if there is no one there that I know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is this just social anxiety in general?

Speak to a professional if so, medication, cbt, etc etc etc.

I doubt we've got the silver bullet, as we're not actually qualified or getting the whole picture. If it's that bad for you, address it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It’s supposed to be fun mate.

Maybe it just ain’t for you?

What an empathetic response!

Or an example of circular thinking. Those that know: really know."

Tact isn’t a bad thing! Especially when the OP is revealing so much emotionally! To me, that response lacked humanity!

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

"I'm thinking of taking a break from going to the clubs for a while until I feel more confident in myself. It's just got to the point where it's almost becoming pointless going if there is no one there that I know."
get yourself a club buddy ..of either sex ..just to talk to and give yourself confidence...or tell the staff

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

Is this just social anxiety in general?

Speak to a professional if so, medication, cbt, etc etc etc.

I doubt we've got the silver bullet, as we're not actually qualified or getting the whole picture. If it's that bad for you, address it."

I was more confident when there was someone at the club I knew that I could meet up with and this was before the pandemic. Now, it's just been one struggle after another as I hardly know anyone there which made my anxiety come back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe go to the socials that are just purely social and no sex or getting naked involved and chat to people and make friendships and potentially see if anyone what’s a club buddy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is this just social anxiety in general?

Speak to a professional if so, medication, cbt, etc etc etc.

I doubt we've got the silver bullet, as we're not actually qualified or getting the whole picture. If it's that bad for you, address it.

So it's an issue, that you used to mask with others? Now you can't, it's gotten worse?

Sounds like there's more going on, that might easily be addressed with some proper help.

Nerves are one thing, this doesn't sound like that. Not trying to be a dick, trying to give the gentle nudge from experience.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It’s supposed to be fun mate.

Maybe it just ain’t for you?

What an empathetic response!

Or an example of circular thinking. Those that know: really know."

How is your comment an example of circular thinking??? And yes I know what it is.

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By *haggydogMan
over a year ago

Brooklands/London

It's totally understandable. I don't suffer from social anxiety. Although I did when I was much younger. But I haven't been to a club for years now, because going alone can feel a bit weird to me. Private parties were a somewhat easier. But I haven't been invited to one for ages.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"It’s supposed to be fun mate.

Maybe it just ain’t for you?

What an empathetic response!

Or an example of circular thinking. Those that know: really know.

How is your comment an example of circular thinking??? And yes I know what it is."

He thins that past performance will predict future performance and things will never change.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Typo: thinks, not thins.

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

Is this just social anxiety in general?

Speak to a professional if so, medication, cbt, etc etc etc.

I doubt we've got the silver bullet, as we're not actually qualified or getting the whole picture. If it's that bad for you, address it.

So it's an issue, that you used to mask with others? Now you can't, it's gotten worse?

Sounds like there's more going on, that might easily be addressed with some proper help.

Nerves are one thing, this doesn't sound like that. Not trying to be a dick, trying to give the gentle nudge from experience.

Maybe perhaps deep down, I still feel self-conscious and doubtful about myself despite pushing myself to want to meet people in the club.

I think a part of me still feels like I'm just fooling myself and will never be good enough.

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