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Parental body shaming

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By *urvySub87 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Near Wellingborough

So as some of you might know I had a baby 9 weeks ago. Since then my mum has been very much pointing out the fact that I'm fat. Constantly making remarks about how I should diet to fit in a nice dress for the christening or how I should diet for some other reason. Today I sent her a nice picture of me with my son and her first remark was, oh, you actually look quite slim in that one. I want to punch the bitch in the face quite honestly. I'm desperately trying not to snap at her as I know she'll take it out on my poor dad but for fuck sake. She's fat herself by the way so really calling the pot black kinda thing.

The thing is, the more she tells me to go on a diet the more I attack the haag en daaz. I want to lose the weight, I do. I just don't need her Constantly pointing out that I really should.

Rant over....grrrr

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By *enrietteandSamCouple
over a year ago

Staffordshire

Ice cream… so good

Just smile and thank her for the compliments.

I do it all the time, drives people potty.

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

Maybe she's just worried about your health

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By *atcherwankerMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

A LOT of women I know tell exactly the same story, it's horrifying how commonplace this sort of critical bullshit is why do so many mothers talk like this to their daughters?! I'm definitely a fat knacker, but nobody ever tells me I should diet or makes passive aggressive remarks about my weight.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

First off all I would like to say congratulations

Also I know it’s your mum and all but maybe sit down and tell her how your feeling about it nicely

Or tell her you need to step away from her for a bit

For your own health as the put downs aren’t helping x

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire


"First off all I would like to say congratulations

Also I know it’s your mum and all but maybe sit down and tell her how your feeling about it nicely

Or tell her you need to step away from her for a bit

For your own health as the put downs aren’t helping x"

I would suggest this too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Maybe she's just worried about your health "

There’s better ways to go about it that the op has mentioned.

Plus she’s only 9 weeks post birth, the last thing on my mind at that time was a diet

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By *arrenandhisduckCouple
over a year ago

blackpool

My mum has always been very overweight & I've always been blamed for this as she put on 5 stone whilst pregnant with me, I had the same thing when I was pregnant constantly tell me not too eat etc etc we have no contact now as she's just not a nice person. Take it with a pinch of salt it says more about her than it does you x

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field


"

...Constantly making remarks about how I should diet to fit in a nice dress for the christening ..."

Ask her why that matters to her, as she's not invited

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Projecting some issues possibly.

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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago

Derbyshire village

I heard this from my FIL to my niece, not withstanding the fact that he's a rather portly chap himself. I just don't get how it can possibly 'help'.

Low cal ice cream may be better than HD, but telling her to mind her own may be better (I realise it's not that simple).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Maybe she's just worried about your health "

9 weeks after having a baby? It's takes time for your body to return to its pre pregnancy state and some don't go back to how they were.

Personally OP, I'd be telling her to shut her mouth and cut all contact until she decides to change her behaviour but that's just me.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby

Pxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You've got the word Curvy in your name and on your bio... why are you suddenly bothered when your mum says it? You look amazing. If it upsets you, say something.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You've got the word Curvy in your name and on your bio... why are you suddenly bothered when your mum says it? You look amazing. If it upsets you, say something. "

Calling yourself curvy and your mum calling you fat are different things

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You've got the word Curvy in your name and on your bio... why are you suddenly bothered when your mum says it? You look amazing. If it upsets you, say something. "

Since when has curvy meant fat?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So as some of you might know I had a baby 9 weeks ago. Since then my mum has been very much pointing out the fact that I'm fat. Constantly making remarks about how I should diet to fit in a nice dress for the christening or how I should diet for some other reason. Today I sent her a nice picture of me with my son and her first remark was, oh, you actually look quite slim in that one. I want to punch the bitch in the face quite honestly. I'm desperately trying not to snap at her as I know she'll take it out on my poor dad but for fuck sake. She's fat herself by the way so really calling the pot black kinda thing.

The thing is, the more she tells me to go on a diet the more I attack the haag en daaz. I want to lose the weight, I do. I just don't need her Constantly pointing out that I really should.

Rant over....grrrr "

oh dear that sounds harsh - but happy with you and care less about others

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By *ortyairCouple
over a year ago

Wallasey


"You've got the word Curvy in your name and on your bio... why are you suddenly bothered when your mum says it? You look amazing. If it upsets you, say something.

Calling yourself curvy and your mum calling you fat are different things "

Body shaming is terrible and unfortunately it seems to be us girls that do it to each other.

We should just appreciate that we are all wonderful, no matter how we look.

Even on a site like this, were you would think there was a progressive, liberal attitudes towards the female form there are some on here that post vile comments and what's worse it is more girl on girl I think.

We should all show some positivity to our fellow sisters on here, after all we are all awesome xxx

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By *valon7Woman
over a year ago

Lancaster


"So as some of you might know I had a baby 9 weeks ago. Since then my mum has been very much pointing out the fact that I'm fat. Constantly making remarks about how I should diet to fit in a nice dress for the christening or how I should diet for some other reason. Today I sent her a nice picture of me with my son and her first remark was, oh, you actually look quite slim in that one. I want to punch the bitch in the face quite honestly. I'm desperately trying not to snap at her as I know she'll take it out on my poor dad but for fuck sake. She's fat herself by the way so really calling the pot black kinda thing.

The thing is, the more she tells me to go on a diet the more I attack the haag en daaz. I want to lose the weight, I do. I just don't need her Constantly pointing out that I really should.

Rant over....grrrr "

I had a similar situation in as much as my mother was a slim 'Marilyn Monroe' type and i was a curly haired tomboy who enjoyed her food!.From a young age i was told i had large hips and that i was a greedy gannet resulting in me having an eating disorder as a teen.Afte receiving help during my first pregnancy i basically started to cut all contact with her and concentrated on being the type of Mum I wished that she had been!We got in touch again over the years but i was always struck by what a bitter lady she was and how grateful i am for having healthy confident children.Maybe keep your contact to a minimum whilst you concentrate on being a new Mum?She has no right to make you feel bad.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds


"So as some of you might know I had a baby 9 weeks ago. Since then my mum has been very much pointing out the fact that I'm fat. Constantly making remarks about how I should diet to fit in a nice dress for the christening or how I should diet for some other reason. Today I sent her a nice picture of me with my son and her first remark was, oh, you actually look quite slim in that one. I want to punch the bitch in the face quite honestly. I'm desperately trying not to snap at her as I know she'll take it out on my poor dad but for fuck sake. She's fat herself by the way so really calling the pot black kinda thing.

The thing is, the more she tells me to go on a diet the more I attack the haag en daaz. I want to lose the weight, I do. I just don't need her Constantly pointing out that I really should.

Rant over....grrrr "

I'd go with the punch her in the face! 9 weeks your body isn't even fully healed.

Congratulations by the way, my little one is 10 months and I've still a few extra lbs, I'm past caring now though.

Mrs

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Congratulations, OP. Your body has just done something truly marvellous.

Cutting contact is probably difficult and may be counterproductive in the long run, but hearing criticism like this is hard to tune out. Can you turn your mother into a helpful ally by getting her to babysit so that you can go for a walk, sit in a coffee shop with a cake and find some space for yourself? It might make it easier to 'hear' her less if you get some reward for the exchange.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

It’s not nice but personally I think it comes from a good place

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By *urvytreatWoman
over a year ago

somewhere nice

Some good advice there OP.

Maybe next time she says about going on a diet you could suggest doing it together. Say that it would be so much easier if she done it with you and you had her support. Might make her realise how she’s making you feel.

Congratulations on having a beautiful baby! Enjoy baby and your bonding time that’s more important xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Mum, you keep mentioning weight. Are you worried about yours? Let's chat...?"

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"You've got the word Curvy in your name and on your bio... why are you suddenly bothered when your mum says it? You look amazing. If it upsets you, say something.

Calling yourself curvy and your mum calling you fat are different things "

Yes.

I'm sure any woman here who calls herself a slut in her profile would be appalled if her mother called her that, and for similar reasons.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


""Mum, you keep mentioning weight. Are you worried about yours? Let's chat...?""

I love this

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By *iss LovelyWoman
over a year ago

Here and There

My mother was very critical of my weight and mentioned it constantly. Even as a child who wasn’t overweight, she would always comment on my appearance. It does lasting damage.

I would honestly speak to her and set some boundaries with her. Tell her she’s making you feel uncomfortable and it’s affecting you wanting to interact with her.

I don’t know why mothers think it’s ok to do this.

Congrats on your baby OP. Hope you find a way to handle her.

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

I know she’s your mum but I would tell her to feck off. It takes 9 months to grow a baby. What she’s doing is a form of abuse/bullying

J x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Congrats on your little one OP.

Has your mum always been a snarky cow, or just recently?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You've got the word Curvy in your name and on your bio... why are you suddenly bothered when your mum says it? You look amazing. If it upsets you, say something. "

Agree.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would say she's just taking her own issues out on you.

My aunt and two sisters in law always comment on my body whenever they see me. I remember not long after I had my daughter they'd ask if I was pregnant again and tell me that I shouldn't wear stuff that shows my little belly pouch. But when you look deeper, you see it is their own issues they are reflecting on to you. And that's uglier than my body ever will be.

I don't understand why people do it. But my advice is embrace yourself and fuck what they think. You don't exist to please other people. If you're happy that's all that matters. Do not let them make you feel miserable.

Congrats on the little bambino.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It’s not nice but personally I think it comes from a good place "

You're unreal.

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By *JstarsoloWoman
over a year ago

Wombwell, Barnsley

Only 9 weeks after having a baby. I think you're marvellous. I think your mum may be well meaning but cruel. It takes the body time to adjust after having a baby.

I have a 5 week old granddaughter and I wouldn't dream of making the mum feel awful about her beautiful post birth body shape. Those first weeks/months with your new baby are precious. Enjoy this time cos you can't ever get that time back. And tell your mum, if you can that you would really like her support but cut it out with the hurtful comments.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think your mum is being very rude..

After only 9 weeks...

A stern word in her ear is called for.

Next time she comes to your house feed her on some withered up lettuce (with a tasty little slug on it)and a hard boiled egg....

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By *tooveMan
over a year ago

belfast


"So as some of you might know I had a baby 9 weeks ago. Since then my mum has been very much pointing out the fact that I'm fat. Constantly making remarks about how I should diet to fit in a nice dress for the christening or how I should diet for some other reason. Today I sent her a nice picture of me with my son and her first remark was, oh, you actually look quite slim in that one. I want to punch the bitch in the face quite honestly. I'm desperately trying not to snap at her as I know she'll take it out on my poor dad but for fuck sake. She's fat herself by the way so really calling the pot black kinda thing.

The thing is, the more she tells me to go on a diet the more I attack the haag en daaz. I want to lose the weight, I do. I just don't need her Constantly pointing out that I really should.

Rant over....grrrr "

She sounds jealous. You need to tell her to stop it. It's not nice and will grind you down.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not cool of your mum and as others have mentioned sounds like she might be projecting her own insecurities onto you.

Have you tried speaking to her about it? Just tell her you don't like it and would like her to stop.

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By *eroLondonMan
over a year ago

Mayfair

I cannot really offer any advice that hasn't already been offered above. Therefore I shall defer and offer my congratulations to you.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

Firstly, congratulations

Your mum probably means well in an odd way, but really she really should know better!

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

Dont send her photos of her grandson. If she wants to criticise, then that comes with sanctions.

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By *ablo minibar123Woman
over a year ago

.

Just point out that as she is over weight too, maybe she should worry about her own health as she's getting older.

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By *esi_in_brusselsMan
over a year ago

Brussels, Belgium

Maybe it's a cultural thing. In my country If a girl is thin during or after childbirth, she'll be fed like a cow by her parents and in laws as it's believed that the mother's health affects the child.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear that, parents can really be unaware of the disorders they can cause by what seems like innocent comments to them.

While it may come from a good place, I hope you don't take it too much to heart

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Woah that is so inappropriate. I am so sorry...sadly i totally understand.. My mum highlights every flaw and non-flaw until it becomes a flaw. I dress very conservatively as a consequence.. I've only worn shorts 3 times im my life do far (after i left school)

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By *eisty LadyWoman
over a year ago

Count Your Blessings Cottage, Gratitude Grove


"So as some of you might know I had a baby 9 weeks ago. Since then my mum has been very much pointing out the fact that I'm fat. Constantly making remarks about how I should diet to fit in a nice dress for the christening or how I should diet for some other reason. Today I sent her a nice picture of me with my son and her first remark was, oh, you actually look quite slim in that one. I want to punch the bitch in the face quite honestly. I'm desperately trying not to snap at her as I know she'll take it out on my poor dad but for fuck sake. She's fat herself by the way so really calling the pot black kinda thing.

The thing is, the more she tells me to go on a diet the more I attack the haag en daaz. I want to lose the weight, I do. I just don't need her Constantly pointing out that I really should.

Rant over....grrrr "

…

Sounds like my mother

She says the same things to my daughter too

Doesn’t matter why Isay she’ll not stop it, so I either ignore it or point out that when she is perfect she can criticise others but until then she should express and opinion

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You've got the word Curvy in your name and on your bio... why are you suddenly bothered when your mum says it? You look amazing. If it upsets you, say something. "

Curvy is a shape not a size!

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

I assume this is just another example of the same behaviour from before pregnancy

It takes a lot of effort but this sounds like the point you should start being the adult and giving her positive boundaries for her behaviour

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford


"I would say she's just taking her own issues out on you. "

Absolutely this. It’s not coming from a good place, it’s from her own insecurities.

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By *urvySub87 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Near Wellingborough


"Congrats on your little one OP.

Has your mum always been a snarky cow, or just recently?

"

Oh always, quite honestly if she wasn't still married to my dad I probably wouldn't have a lot of contact with her

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By *agic.MMan
over a year ago

Orpington

Let's say you do loose weight and become the type of slim she wants you to be...do you think she will stop or find another "flaw" to point out?

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By *risky FoxesCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle Emlyn

My darling 9 weeks is no time at all. Your body has just performed a bloody miracle. Please be kind to yourself and try to just let it go…… it sounds like she’s projecting her own shit into you.

Congratulations xxxx

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By *arlomaleMan
over a year ago

darlington

You should show her the pictures from your profile and show her how many fabs they have received

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You've not long had a baby. Anyone commenting on how a new Mum's body looks as in "still got your pregnancy weight I see" and "you've lost all your pregnancy weight so quickly", is out of order. Your bodies have been through a lot in a short time. For most, it needs breathing space while Mums enjoy their babies.

If you can, tell your Mum that the most important thing to you right now, is taking care of your baby, her grandchild, not worrying about diets.

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By *heaspieswingerMan
over a year ago

Peak District


"So as some of you might know I had a baby 9 weeks ago. Since then my mum has been very much pointing out the fact that I'm fat. Constantly making remarks about how I should diet to fit in a nice dress for the christening or how I should diet for some other reason. Today I sent her a nice picture of me with my son and her first remark was, oh, you actually look quite slim in that one. I want to punch the bitch in the face quite honestly. I'm desperately trying not to snap at her as I know she'll take it out on my poor dad but for fuck sake. She's fat herself by the way so really calling the pot black kinda thing.

The thing is, the more she tells me to go on a diet the more I attack the haag en daaz. I want to lose the weight, I do. I just don't need her Constantly pointing out that I really should.

Rant over....grrrr "

Yeah, that’s fucking appalling. She needs to be put in her place. Personally next time I’d remind her that it’s perfectly natural to have baby weight after having a baby, and your appearance is none of her damn business.

Mr here: When Mrs and I had been dating for a couple of months, I took her to my know ex-parent. The very first thing he said wasn’t “Hello” or “Nice to meet you.” Instead it was “I don’t know why you’re bothering with him. He’s got such a tiny dick he’ll never be able to satisfy you.”

Mrs was horrified. I told him to fuck off.

“Don’t forget though I used to change your nappy when you were a baby.”

“Yeah, but since then I’ve been through puberty and satisfied more women than you’ve ever met.”

Prick.

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By *urvySub87 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Near Wellingborough


"Let's say you do loose weight and become the type of slim she wants you to be...do you think she will stop or find another "flaw" to point out? "

Oh more than likely. This will sound weird but the only way I can describe my mother is, she's the nicest person you'll ever meet and will do anything for anyone....as long as you've never touched lady garden

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By *urvySub87 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Near Wellingborough

*her lady garden

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By *ampWithABrainWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

“From a good place” my fat arse it is!

The body takes at least another 9 months to “recover” plus some changes are permanent as certain bones change as a result of pregnancy and birth too. In addition fat shaming has repeatedly been shown to have the opposite effect on the so called fat person. What actually helps people lose weight is positive support and reinforcement IF asked for.

Sit her down and firmly and assertively but relatively politely tell her to pack it in. If she persists lose the diplomacy and tell her bluntly to wind her neck in!

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By *uffolkcouple-bi onlyCouple
over a year ago

West Suffolk

OP I would just like to say congratulations on growing a baby inside your body. Dieting 9 weeks after having a baby isn’t at the top of your to do list, maybe tell your mum that or better smile sweetly while holding your gorgeous bundle of joy and promise to never make your child feel bad

Enjoy parenthood x

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By *iaisonseekerMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

I think you need to see this as a manifestation of your mother's insecurities. People who feel the need to control other people's behaviour/appearance are often deeply anxious or traumatised in some way.

Perhaps your mother never lost weight after her first child and never felt attractive again and is (whether or not consciously) trying to avoid the same happening to you - counterproductive though it may be.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Congrats on your baby!

What would it feel like if you didn't have to deal with this from her? If she was in your life less?

Bringing up a child is hard enough (I have a few) without constant criticism.

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By *urvySub87 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Near Wellingborough

My parents don't live in this country, I get the joy of her criticism via face time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My parents don't live in this country, I get the joy of her criticism via face time"

Thank fuck by the sound of it. How do you feel about confronting her or going low contact?

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By *urvySub87 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Near Wellingborough

There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit"

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

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By *urvySub87 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Near Wellingborough


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it. "

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her"

Is she aware that it upsets you?

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her"

Could you put it in writing to her?

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By *urvySub87 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Near Wellingborough


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her

Is she aware that it upsets you? "

Yes, so she doesn't say anything for about a week and then she starts up again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit"

"Mum, when you say "x" it makes me feel "y", and that means I end up wrapped in my duvet eating ice cream. Please stop saying those things.... they make me feel really bad. How about I let you know if you accidently do it again?"

Responses to things she might say:

"I hear that its something you are really worried about. What makes you so worried about that?" (she tells you her story, you sympathise, then repeat that she cant say those things to you).

"I know you didnt mean to make me feel that. Thats why I wanted to tell you, so that you dont keep on making me feel that way. If I didnt tell you, Id end up feeling worse and worse and I know you dont want that"

(She gets angry or defensive) "You seem really upset/annoyed by what I said. Does it feel like I am attacking you?" (Reassure, no, not attacking/criticising/whatever. Repeat the first explanation)

"Well, this is something we clearly dont agree on. I hear that you think x and y and that it is really important to you, but for my own mental health/sanity/self esteem, I need you to not say those things to me as they are making things worse, not better. That is my boundary and you need to respect it"

Or, if all else fails, tell her to f*ck off.

Good luck. Family stuff is hard to navigate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her

Is she aware that it upsets you?

Yes, so she doesn't say anything for about a week and then she starts up again "

My mum is exactly the same. We got around it by me saying... 'if you only have nasty things to say, it's probably best you keep them to yourself? (I voiced this infront of family)'... Simple, direct, and she's shut the fuck up for years

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By *iss LovelyWoman
over a year ago

Here and There


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her

Is she aware that it upsets you?

Yes, so she doesn't say anything for about a week and then she starts up again "
.

Your Mum sounds exactly like mine. She couldn’t help herself.

I don’t know whether you have any other children, but hard as it is I think you have to set your boundaries firmly now. If she’ll say things to you, she’ll likely say them to your children too. And you can’t have that.

Good luck op

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her

Is she aware that it upsets you?

Yes, so she doesn't say anything for about a week and then she starts up again "

Ok.

We can give you all the strategies in the world to deal with this but real life isn't a text book and carefully prepared speeches etc go out of the window when you're upset. Maybe you NEED to snap at her or just look her dead in the eye and say

"You know that upsets me, why do you keep doing it?" Then end the conversation. You say you don't want to cut contact because of your dad but why is your dad just watching her do this without saying anything?

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By *ambertMan
over a year ago

Cheltenham

Personally I would tell her to go fuck herself.

Or that she has a bad case of ligma....ligma balls

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Congratulations on your new arrival

I’ve had similar with my father over the past 30+ years. We’ve had varying lengths of timeouts over the years, from weeks to years with no contact. I’ve always been upfront and truthful with him as to why & how he made me feel. Sometimes calmly, other times he got it full throttle with no filter. I personally believe if you don’t tell them, they don’t know, they don’t always realise that their ‘helpful & caring’ words are hurtful.

I’m lucky, I guess as in each instance he did take note of and change his ways or not bring up that topic again, mostly.

It’s not easy OP and no quick fix, if it’s in their nature, but I hope you find a way to tell her how it makes you feel, so you can have a happier relationship together.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Tell her to fuck off ..you'll get round to sorting yourself out when you are more used to caring for the new baby

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By *iltsTSgirlTV/TS
over a year ago

Chichester

Just tell her straight up if she doesn’t wind her neck in , she will be the one to suffer consequences going forward if it spirals out of control .

Talk to your father on his own more perhaps and cut off your mother somewhat .

Or just dominate the conversation with her on your video calls. I had this with family and I just deliberately manipulate them / dominate them on conversations .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her

Is she aware that it upsets you?

Yes, so she doesn't say anything for about a week and then she starts up again .

Your Mum sounds exactly like mine. She couldn’t help herself.

I don’t know whether you have any other children, but hard as it is I think you have to set your boundaries firmly now. If she’ll say things to you, she’ll likely say them to your children too. And you can’t have that.

Good luck op"

Unfortunately sometimes you have to pick who you are going to support and one person will be left alone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So as some of you might know I had a baby 9 weeks ago. Since then my mum has been very much pointing out the fact that I'm fat. Constantly making remarks about how I should diet to fit in a nice dress for the christening or how I should diet for some other reason. Today I sent her a nice picture of me with my son and her first remark was, oh, you actually look quite slim in that one. I want to punch the bitch in the face quite honestly. I'm desperately trying not to snap at her as I know she'll take it out on my poor dad but for fuck sake. She's fat herself by the way so really calling the pot black kinda thing.

The thing is, the more she tells me to go on a diet the more I attack the haag en daaz. I want to lose the weight, I do. I just don't need her Constantly pointing out that I really should.

Rant over....grrrr "

Firstly, congratulations on the baby

Secondly, just ignore any bitchy comments from anyone - you be you and stuff everyone else xxxx

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By *urvySub87 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Near Wellingborough


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her

Is she aware that it upsets you?

Yes, so she doesn't say anything for about a week and then she starts up again

Ok.

We can give you all the strategies in the world to deal with this but real life isn't a text book and carefully prepared speeches etc go out of the window when you're upset. Maybe you NEED to snap at her or just look her dead in the eye and say

"You know that upsets me, why do you keep doing it?" Then end the conversation. You say you don't want to cut contact because of your dad but why is your dad just watching her do this without saying anything? "

I had a talk with my Dad years ago about my mum and her "strops". We agreed that he would step in if I ever asked him to so as to reduce any potential arguments between them. I don't find it fair to put him in the middle of our disputes though there have been times where unfortunately that has happened.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her

Is she aware that it upsets you?

Yes, so she doesn't say anything for about a week and then she starts up again

Ok.

We can give you all the strategies in the world to deal with this but real life isn't a text book and carefully prepared speeches etc go out of the window when you're upset. Maybe you NEED to snap at her or just look her dead in the eye and say

"You know that upsets me, why do you keep doing it?" Then end the conversation. You say you don't want to cut contact because of your dad but why is your dad just watching her do this without saying anything?

I had a talk with my Dad years ago about my mum and her "strops". We agreed that he would step in if I ever asked him to so as to reduce any potential arguments between them. I don't find it fair to put him in the middle of our disputes though there have been times where unfortunately that has happened. "

I not unbiased because my dad failed to step in to protect me from my mum's mental ill health when I was a child, that carried on into adulthood. He's your parent, your mum and dad act together as your parents, it's his joint responsibility in my opinion and not up to you to protect him from the possible fall out with your mother, what makes you think it is? However as I say I'm seeing this through the eyes of my own experience.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Ps I'm not suggesting that your mum suffers from mental ill health by the way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have the opposite. I’m constantly told I’m too thin. That also grates !!!!!!

I think from my pics people assume I’m a lot larger than my 10 stone 3 (66 Kg) build.

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By *lydeXXXMan
over a year ago

Doncaster

Is it possible some parents are just a little jealous of their kids? As kids grow through their teens and into adulthood and beyond parents are also getting older and can resent losing their own youth. Some people might look for anything to point out in order to mask their own insecurities. It doesn't make it right but sometimes people are mean because they are unhappy.

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By *inAndTonic21Couple
over a year ago

Merseyside

Having a baby is exhausting enough without exhausting comments. Just say thanks and ignore. You will get to where you want to be when it works for you. Concentrate on loving the baba and loving that special time xx

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

[Removed by poster at 05/09/22 16:22:37]

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I often wonder why parents do this, it’s so damaging. All I can think is deep down they think they are a failure as a parent. Just say mum it’s ok, I don’t blame you , in fact I quite like me , but you clearly need therapy

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By *hat Guy with the RopesMan
over a year ago

Kingston upon Hull

As Phil Larkin said....

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you

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By *iaisonseekerMan
over a year ago

Liverpool


"As Phil Larkin said....

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you"

But they were fucked up in their turn...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There's no way I could go low contact as I'm really close to my dad. I need to confront her about it but I need to do it without losing my shit

Ah. That makes it hard. And does he recognise what's happening?

Does it need to be in person? Less pressure to write it out if you think that could work. Takes the heat out of it.

I don't want to get him in the middle of our problems. This isn't first issue I've had with her and my poor dad always tries to calm things down which isn't fair on him. I just need to find a way to tell her to stop calling me fat without snapping at her

Is she aware that it upsets you?

Yes, so she doesn't say anything for about a week and then she starts up again

Ok.

We can give you all the strategies in the world to deal with this but real life isn't a text book and carefully prepared speeches etc go out of the window when you're upset. Maybe you NEED to snap at her or just look her dead in the eye and say

"You know that upsets me, why do you keep doing it?" Then end the conversation. You say you don't want to cut contact because of your dad but why is your dad just watching her do this without saying anything?

I had a talk with my Dad years ago about my mum and her "strops". We agreed that he would step in if I ever asked him to so as to reduce any potential arguments between them. I don't find it fair to put him in the middle of our disputes though there have been times where unfortunately that has happened.

I not unbiased because my dad failed to step in to protect me from my mum's mental ill health when I was a child, that carried on into adulthood. He's your parent, your mum and dad act together as your parents, it's his joint responsibility in my opinion and not up to you to protect him from the possible fall out with your mother, what makes you think it is? However as I say I'm seeing this through the eyes of my own experience."

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