FabSwingers.com forum: Mens mental health

By *umbiya OP Man
over a year ago

Halifax

I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harming.

I know it’s very taboo for men to show weakness like this. But I’m a bit fed up of the pressures. I have no sex life as a result of mental illness and not being physically good looking enough.

I just want the other men out there who struggle to know they matter and we live in a sick world that unfairly devalues us for not being “man enough”.

I hope other men here have the courage to speak so we can try to normalise mental health a bit more. Enough men already kill themselves.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *etwifeandhim69Couple
over a year ago

Darlington

It's not taboo and your mental health is not representative of the world we live in. It's simply you trying to make the world fit to your own mental perceptions due to depression.

What exactly does "man enough" mean anyway? Man enough for what or whom? There are no "man enough" boxes to tick except the ones you make yourself. What's "physically good looking enough" as well? What one person finds attractive another does not.

I say none of this to be derogatory to you. Just as a matter of fact statement as someone whos had their own demons in the past.

Please, speak to your Doctor and get some help. Mental health issues are serious and shouldn't be ignored anymore than any other health issues.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *enuine MikeMan
over a year ago

Guildford

Good luck chap. Hope you've got a network of friends and or family around you to talk about the struggles you're facing day to day

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harming.

I know it’s very taboo for men to show weakness like this. But I’m a bit fed up of the pressures. I have no sex life as a result of mental illness and not being physically good looking enough.

I just want the other men out there who struggle to know they matter and we live in a sick world that unfairly devalues us for not being “man enough”.

I hope other men here have the courage to speak so we can try to normalise mental health a bit more. Enough men already kill themselves. "

Well done. I'm glad you posted this. It's not a weakness though, it's a strength to talk.

Most people go through self doubt and begin to believe the negative stories they tell themselves.

It sounds as if you have a great deal going on right now. You've noticed the unnecessary demands made on men via ads, mags and t.v. progs and you've noticed the influence this has on women who are seeking partners either for sex or longer relationships.

The good thing is , that not all women seek love island perfection. Most just look for someone through which they can experience life through mutual respect.

Each and everyone of us on the planet is enough on our own.

Things will improve for you i'm sure and this thread you began will help others.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harming.

I know it’s very taboo for men to show weakness like this. But I’m a bit fed up of the pressures. I have no sex life as a result of mental illness and not being physically good looking enough.

I just want the other men out there who struggle to know they matter and we live in a sick world that unfairly devalues us for not being “man enough”.

I hope other men here have the courage to speak so we can try to normalise mental health a bit more. Enough men already kill themselves.

Well done. I'm glad you posted this. It's not a weakness though, it's a strength to talk.

Most people go through self doubt and begin to believe the negative stories they tell themselves.

The good thing is , that not all women seek love island perfection. Most just look for someone through which they can experience life through mutual respect.

Each and everyone of us on the planet is enough on our own.

Things will improve for you i'm sure and this thread you began will help others. "

This!!! Well said and so so true

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well done in sharing where you are. That isn't easy and helps break the cycle.

To share my story I self harmed when I was younger. Ive been battling with MH and have been having professional help for 2 years.

At the start, I needed to get my head around the following:

It's not what people say about us that affects how we feel, it's what we tell ourselves people are saying.

This isn't to dismiss the trauman and experience that can create MH issues. That needs unpacking. But for me, realising I was taking my history an applying a filter which was "proving" I was right weas a key step.

What do I mean ?

Do people see it as a weakness for men to share emotions. Or is that just your own belief. Maybe a belief that you help support by knocking around others who also believe that (I briefly skirted on yeh edges on the manosphere. That's an echo chamber i tell you).

I will admit, I still sometimes think this. But have plenty of other evidence to say I'm wrong. And one of my evidence is me.

When someone shares like you have, I don't see weakness. I see strength. I see courage. So I'm saying itehra will judge me as weak when I wouldn't judge others.

Anecdotal for sure. But most of our lives are shaped by anecdotal evidence.

You can do this on a lot of the judgement statements you made. I won't coz it can be hard to hear someone else critique your words. But do it. Ask is this fact or something I am telling myself is true. What evidence do I have for it to be true. What evidence do I have for it to be false. And have I really looked for evidence to prove I'm wrong

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's not taboo and your mental health is not representative of the world we live in. It's simply you trying to make the world fit to your own mental perceptions due to depression.

I say none of this to be derogatory to you. Just as a matter of fact statement as someone whos had their own demons in the past.

Please, speak to your Doctor and get some help. Mental health issues are serious and shouldn't be ignored anymore than any other health issues.

I disagree with parts of this.. Mental health is very much a taboo in reality with some employers & parts of society in mine & my family/ friends experiences, so I feel it's unfair to say it is not a taboo. Perhaps its only not in your experience?

The second part of your comment I agree with, it is the negative spiral that reinforces a negative view of the world, rather than it being a factual reality. I find it can be better managed with a personal programme of self care habits/ routines (self care breeds self love), anchoring of good experiences/ memories (I use music that reminds me of good times), perspective questioning (eg. what evidence do I see that backs up how I feel, what evidence do I see of the opposite), etc. The thought of this can be so overwhelming though, that first step being the hardest, so doing 1 good thing from the above in a day is a huge step forward.

The mind can be a cruel beast, giving you a downward spiral that holds you back from you being the best of yourself. Fear, anxiety, depression can truely suck out the joy in life so I urge you to try 1 thing at a time, to find the coping strategies that work for you. Hugs mate, hang in there & be kind to yourself. Some things you try won't work & that's OK too.

Maybe just think of that 1 thing to try; a hot shower, a good movie, blasting a song that lifts you, smashing it in the gym, a drive, or a run, what ever does it for you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And very aware that self sabotage is a very common element - you know you'll enjoy something when you do it, but bringing yourself to actually do it seems like a mountain to climb. You aren't alone in that thinking, but when you do push through that mountain, its an achievement & you have a good time. The next time, that mountain becomes a hill to push through, & so on.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To the op,

Sorry to hear your struggling, my personal advice would be to take a break from here,this site can be the most fabulous place or the most toxic of place

Please put your own wellbeing first and not waste time wanting to be judged

Please take care and get some professional help xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Recognise the issues, access the help, do the work, maintain and periodically reflect.

Mental health is like any other form of health, you might experience changes due to physiological or environmental stresses, and being aware of that, talking to those you can and finding the right help and strategies is paramount.

Usually though, the biggest problem is yourself, you know all the pressure points, insecurities and pain that can cut you down to size in an instant.

Well fuck that little voice. Sideways. Down a field of thistles.

Be kind to yourself now, past you and future you. We can be unbelievably unkind to ourselves, yet infinitely so to others, apply some of that kindness to yourself, do the work, heal.

It's not easy nor simple, it takes work, like anything, but don't allow yourself to turn you into a victim. You fight that fucker, especially when you feel like you can't.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you heard of Andy’s Man club? There’s a chapter near you and might be worth a visit

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I do feel for you. The tragedy of mental health (and I know this having cared for partners and children) is it robs you of clear thinking because the reality is your 30 and so much ahead of you, so many opportunities, so much to live for and such great adventures to be had.

I hope you learn to control or fix the voice that is telling you lies about yourself and limiting you , because they are all lies.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I feel everyone else has covered the mental health side of this so I’ll pick up on another thing. There is no such thing as not being good looking enough. There’s someone out there for everyone and in reality it’s your personality that will keep a partner long term rather than looks. Don’t put yourself down.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

The toxic masculinity culture is very destructive.

It's okay to ask for help it's not weakness it's strength.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sorry you're struggling, OP. And it's hard enough struggling with MH without that additional weight of feeling judged as a man. I think society is broadly getting more open and accepting about MH issues but if family and/or friends aren't accepting - it makes things so much harder.

It's a journey to recover, and it's a big step in the journey to write a post like this. Be proud of that and that you've reached out to others. Those things really matter, not how good looking you may be.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only skimmed through the responses.

Hope you're in a better frame of mind OP.

I think both men & women suffer the impact of certain stereotypes when it comes to mental health. Men get told to man up....women get labelled hysterical. I do think this is changing though.

We all have "mental health" in the sane way we have cardiovascular health for example. So it should be a non issue as a discussion point.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago

Derbyshire village

Fuck "taboo" - OP, if you're not feeling right it doesn't matter what you have in your trousers! Seeking help and admitting you're not invulnerable is one of the most 'manly' things a chap can do - it takes courage.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harming.

I know it’s very taboo for men to show weakness like this. But I’m a bit fed up of the pressures. I have no sex life as a result of mental illness and not being physically good looking enough.

I just want the other men out there who struggle to know they matter and we live in a sick world that unfairly devalues us for not being “man enough”.

I hope other men here have the courage to speak so we can try to normalise mental health a bit more. Enough men already kill themselves. "

Well said and thank you for posting, Men need to talk about mental health, and we need to provide safe spaces for that happen. Keep talking please

I hope you are doing OK OP? Look after yourself and take each day as it comes, small steps x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes I feel I’m approaching the end. The black dog will get me eventually as you only have so much resilience

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To the op,

Sorry to hear your struggling, my personal advice would be to take a break from here,this site can be the most fabulous place or the most toxic of place

Please put your own wellbeing first and not waste time wanting to be judged

Please take care and get some professional help xxx"

This is sound advice.

A support network via an app is definitely a good way to share & confide.

whilst this site is a novel distraction it's a fair & honest point that self preservation is absolutely necessary.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 06/08/22 22:51:19]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harming.

I know it’s very taboo for men to show weakness like this. But I’m a bit fed up of the pressures. I have no sex life as a result of mental illness and not being physically good looking enough.

I just want the other men out there who struggle to know they matter and we live in a sick world that unfairly devalues us for not being “man enough”.

I hope other men here have the courage to speak so we can try to normalise mental health a bit more. Enough men already kill themselves. "

This is Extremely Relevant to us at this very moment.

There are 2 males very close to us who are struggling, beyond being able to help.

At our wits end, not knowing what to do to get help.

1 is willing to return to GP

The other is refusing to have any contact with anyone at all and is locked himself in his home and turned off his phone.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

"I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harming.

I know it’s very taboo for men to show weakness like this. But I’m a bit fed up of the pressures. I have no sex life as a result of mental illness and not being physically good looking enough.

I just want the other men out there who struggle to know they matter and we live in a sick world that unfairly devalues us for not being “man enough”.

I hope other men here have the courage to speak so we can try to normalise mental health a bit more. Enough men already kill themselves. "

We need to be more open about mental health. We all have mental health and just like our physical health it can go wrong at any age.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

"I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harming.

I know it’s very taboo for men to show weakness like this. But I’m a bit fed up of the pressures. I have no sex life as a result of mental illness and not being physically good looking enough.

I just want the other men out there who struggle to know they matter and we live in a sick world that unfairly devalues us for not being “man enough”.

I hope other men here have the courage to speak so we can try to normalise mental health a bit more. Enough men already kill themselves. "

Well done for being strong.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

"The toxic masculinity culture is very destructive.

It's okay to ask for help it's not weakness it's strength."

This. We need to stop telling men they can't have feelings. We need to stop telling young boys that boys and men don't cry. We need to stop using phrases like man up, what are you a man or a mouse, etc.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

"Have you heard of Andy’s Man club? There’s a chapter near you and might be worth a visit "

I couldn't think of the name ^

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elloIntrigueMan
over a year ago

North West UK

Four years ago my mental health was battered, I became depressed and had anxiety brought on by a number of issues that I'd never fully confronted or understood how they had affected me. I'd never really talked about it before.

Last year I also went through the loss of my brother from Covid which was so difficult for the whole family.

I'm now a big advocate for being able to communicate. I talk about it quite often and know to look out for my "spidey senses" tingling if things are getting on top of me and more importantly, knowing when things need to change.

Yes, I'm still sometimes up to the brink and but I know with the things I learned from my illness and subsequent well being course that I don't have to go over the edge. Recently things were tingling for the first time in four years and I hauled it back.

I know it's okay to wobble, it's okay to have bad days and it's okay to let people know how I am feeling.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All these threads are wonderful but what can you actually DO when they aren't in the right headspace to digest the words that may help them get from one hour to the next & be able to slowly feel a bit more positive. The right Words even from a professional aren't having any effect at this present moment.

I'll try to get some advice from samaritons tomorrow.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"All these threads are wonderful but what can you actually DO when they aren't in the right headspace to digest the words that may help them get from one hour to the next & be able to slowly feel a bit more positive. The right Words even from a professional aren't having any effect at this present moment.

I'll try to get some advice from samaritons tomorrow. "

As is often said threads like this can't beat professional help but sometimes it shows someone they are not alone and that may be all it takes

I do appreciate most are strangers on here so more practical help may not be available but any help can help at times

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *elloIntrigueMan
over a year ago

North West UK

People definitely aren't alone although it can feel this way.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP feel for you it’s a dark place to be I had a breakdown few years ago and did think on more than one occasion would be so much easier to just end things.

Try and get help from doctors or a friend. There is light at the end of the tunnel and by admitting you have a struggle that is the start to get yourself better. Good luck hope you get some help

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ilfCrumpet9Man
over a year ago

Wirral

I have been suffering from depression, anxiety and stress for a long time. I just take a day at a time. Not easy to talk to anyone unless they are in the same place as you are and will understand exactly where you are coming from. Feel free to message if ever you fancy a chat mate. Take good care

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ettaManMan
over a year ago

Based in Kerry, work in Cork.

Talking about it is a good first step, Cumbiya. Have you spoken to a counselor?

Have you explored meditation at all?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Takes guts to say that dude, fair plays. I feel ya on that. I struggle everyday. Some days good, some days bad.

For me it's been hiding, and still figuring out who I am.

I've always pleased ppl to make sure they're OK, but always hide my pain as don't wanna be a burden to them.

I'm fortunate to have some friends to talk to, but sometimes even that can get hard.

I've just gone through a big change in my life just recently and I'm still adjusting to it. But I'm hopeful that once things are settled and I'm more focused, I will start to feel myself again.

So well done again for posting this.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sometimes I feel I’m approaching the end. The black dog will get me eventually as you only have so much resilience "

I'm sorry to read this - is depression weighing you down right now? Sodding black dog. I lost all my resilience last year but slowly building it up again. Are you getting some help?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thankyou for sharing. That's brave of you. Firstly, helplines are a good way..non judgemental and people that don't know you. Secondly, you're right, men are still put down and actually a lot of the mocking is from females. Thirdly and finally we are all human, most of us have feelings of being sad at times, try to journal, write thoughts down then screw the paper up and throw it away, there are different ways to help. Life is not easy, it is portrayed and social media doesn't help as being one fun party where we all go away all the time, always out, but in reality a lot of the time it is work, then home with the odd time out. People aren't as approachable as they seem, and often people find it difficult. However, please no, I will happily speak to you & remember at least someone out there cares for you. Please look after yourself

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ammerofgodsMan
over a year ago

Whitehaven

"I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harming.

I know it’s very taboo for men to show weakness like this. But I’m a bit fed up of the pressures. I have no sex life as a result of mental illness and not being physically good looking enough.

I just want the other men out there who struggle to know they matter and we live in a sick world that unfairly devalues us for not being “man enough”.

I hope other men here have the courage to speak so we can try to normalise mental health a bit more. Enough men already kill themselves. "

Its not taboo fella im still suffering so ive relapsed twice tried to commit suicide twice (but talkied myself down) i too feel disgusting and alot of people on here dont help some do but alot dont care about it because its not them there is far too much pressure on men to be strong not show weakness and which makes us feel worse which we then bottle up until we break (that what happend to me ) cut toxic people out and look after yourself.. im with you man all the way mental health is crippling but there is light there is hope there is peace we've just got to band together and find it ..

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread