FabSwingers.com forum: Dad jokes please

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Haven’t done one of these for a while.

What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom!

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By *eneralKenobiMan
over a year ago

North Angus

I had a cracker on my update yesterday not sure if it’s still there

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I had a cracker on my update yesterday not sure if it’s still there "

It is, it’s the one I had the day before

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By *eneralKenobiMan
over a year ago

North Angus

"I had a cracker on my update yesterday not sure if it’s still there

It is, it’s the one I had the day before

I think we’re following the same dad joke page on insta

maybe twitter

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am the worst speller.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

'Sent my hearing aid for a service the other day...

'not heard anything since.

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By *illiamgMan
over a year ago

Cheshire

farmer’s wife left him after she found him having sex with one of the ponies after she went to sleep. It was her worst fucking night mare.

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By *eneralKenobiMan
over a year ago

North Angus

Asked my mate when his birthday was he said “march 1st”

I stood up, walked around the room then asked again

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By *otMe66Man
over a year ago

Terra Firma

"Asked my mate when his birthday was he said “march 1st”

I stood up, walked around the room then asked again "

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.

He must have been working from home.

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By *r SproutMan
over a year ago

the middle somewhere

The inventor of the dissapointing punchline has died.

His funeral will be held on Thursday at 2pm.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The inventor of the dissapointing punchline has died.

His funeral will be held on Thursday at 2pm."

The inventor of auto correct died

May he roast in piss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I only lift weights on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd tell you a joke but you'd only laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make it faster.

If anything, it made it more sluggish.

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By *r SproutMan
over a year ago

the middle somewhere

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".

"No. This time it's mayonnaise"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza the other night. I should have put it on aloha setting.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

Real sponges grow underwater....

I know, it's not a joke but it always makes me smile.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover.

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By *aughtymale1Man
over a year ago

Sandbach

Love these. Thanks all.

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By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

How do you make a squirrel go woof?

Soak it in petrol and put a match to it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Asked the shopkeeper if he has any helicopter flavoured crisps……. He said he’s only got plane flavoured ones

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is 1 question, 3 words, 6 letters and all guaranteed to destroy a man's confidence?

Is it in??

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east

I have asked everybody i could find what LGBTQ stands for

So far no one has given me a straight answer ... taxi for _unkie

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By *ubwife4uCouple
over a year ago

Maidstone Area.

How do you make a cat flap?

Throw it out of a 4th floor window.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I heard a great dad joke today but I’ll let him tell it. I’m sure he’ll be along soon

J xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".

"No. This time it's mayonnaise""

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

"The past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense. "

A priest, a minister and a rabbit all walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

A priest, a minister and a rabbit all walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o""

Love this one

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By *1.2Man
over a year ago

London

Why are fish afraid to play basketball… because they’re scared of the net *slaps knee*

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By *idnight RamblerMan
over a year ago

Pershore

Janet Street-Porter walks up to a bar and asks the barman "Can I have a large aperitif?"

The barman looks up and say "I very much doubt it love".

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

"Janet Street-Porter walks up to a bar and asks the barman "Can I have a large aperitif?"

The barman looks up and say "I very much doubt it love"."

Oh that took me longer than it should, but properly made me laugh, thank you!

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By *azza72Man
over a year ago

Leeds

I asked the lady on the cake stall what this particular cake was, she replied “that’s Madeira Cake” I said “ok, could I look at your cheaper ones “

I’ll get my coat

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By *iman2100Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

"They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they are not laughing now!" Bob Monkhouse.

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By *ymbunnyfitCouple
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

What did the fish say after banging head against concrete wall ? Dam!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just opened my fridge and its full of stir fry.

I must have been sleep wokking again!!

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By *ildmanYorksMan
over a year ago

Doncaster & Bembridge

A limbo dancer walked into a bar. He lost the competition

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you heard of the new movie called "constipation"

It hasn't come out yet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I heard a great dad joke today but I’ll let him tell it. I’m sure he’ll be along soon

J xx "

Hahaha you sent it to me!

What’s the difference between Jam & Jelly??? You can’t jelly your cock in someone’s ass..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I heard a great dad joke today but I’ll let him tell it. I’m sure he’ll be along soon

J xx

Hahaha you sent it to me!

What’s the difference between Jam & Jelly??? You can’t jelly your cock in someone’s ass.."

Are you trying to make me cancel?

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Who was England’s kinkiest monarch?

Lady Jane 50 Shades of Grey..

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?

A: A moo-sician.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to a fetish restaurant last night

I got toed in the hole.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal."

I actually just wee'd a bit!

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: Which concert only costs 45 cents?

A: A concert featuring Nickelback and 50 Cent!

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

There was a fire at the local B & Q yesterday but staff managed to save all the tins of paint, brushes and wallpaper.

Management said, for their bravery, the staff will be decorated.

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: What do you call a female police officer who plays the guitar?

A: SHE-RIFF

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By *om-4-SubMan
over a year ago

KILMARNOCK

How do you get your own back on lady ga ga?????

Poker face

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By *ingo00Man
over a year ago

Cowley

What's green and hairy and goes up and down? A gooseberry in a lift

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The black eyed peas can sing us a tune but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Oh yeah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal!

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By *XXDREAMMan
over a year ago

sudbury

[Removed by poster at 28/07/22 21:53:18]

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By *XXDREAMMan
over a year ago

sudbury

Doctor told me I have to stop masturbating, when I asked why he responded, because I'm trying to examine you

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By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

I was watching a programme about sharks the other night and the guy hosting it said: “Sharks are more scared of us than we are of them.”

Really? I doubt sharks stay up all night watching documentaries about me.

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By *uvBugsCouple
over a year ago

CAMBS

Wife: My husband and I have what he calls "Olympic Sex".

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life!

Wife: Not really. It only happens every 4 years...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.

He must have been working from home."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I called the doctor "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?"

"Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

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By *n080971Man
over a year ago

Billericay

My wife left me, she said I was too old fashioned.

But I’ll wager you a sixpence the reality is she’s courting another gentleman.

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By *idnight RamblerMan
over a year ago

Pershore

A tortoise goes into a Police Station and says "I've just been mugged by three snails"

"Oh dear" says the desk sergeant, can you provide a description of your assailants?"

"Hmmmm" says the tortoise "it all happened so quickly"

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

Her: Are you sure you want to go down there? I haven't shaved...

Me: Don't worry. I used to eat lollipops I'd dropped on the carpet.

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

How do you know when a joke's a dad joke?

When it's fully GROAN!

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

"Janet Street-Porter walks up to a bar and asks the barman "Can I have a large aperitif?"

The barman looks up and say "I very much doubt it love"."

Beautiful joke!

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By *r Mind CandyMan
over a year ago

Cheshire

Guy walks into a bar and asks for a pint, barman says excuse me sir do you know you have a steering wheel attached to tbhe front of your trousers? Guy says yeah it's driving me nuts.

I used to live in an inflatable house but it got a puncture, now I live in a flat!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Bumping this for some more jokes

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

What do you call a French sandal maker?

Philippe Philop

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Old Sam wanders into village pub, which he hasn't visited for a few weeks, and there sat at the bar is his good mate Jack...

Looking up Jack spots him and gets San a pint, you've not been in for a while says Jack...I know says Sam, it's the lambing season and I've not been off the farm for 3 weeks..

So any new re village gossip ask Sam, well says Jack they've opened one of those there brothels in the village...no way says Sam..

Aye says Jack you can drink as much as you want...have as much sex as you want and at the end of the night they give you £200..

Bloody hell says Sam that sounds like a great night, have you been yourself..?

No says Jack but the wife has....!!!

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By *hippy57Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

Husband asks wife why she never orgasms during sex,she said I do but you are not there

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By *ice But Very NaughtyCouple
over a year ago

Swansea

English is such a strange language. I found out the other day that you shouldn't say I'm going to *run* through the campsite, it should be I'm going to *ran* through the campsite. It's always past tents.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My grief counsellor died last week.

Luckily he was so good, I didn't give a shit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's yellow and terrifying

Shark infested custard

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By *nobyMan
over a year ago

Dorchester

Wasps were the original pollinators but god changed his mind and went with plan bee

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By *ornyblue69Man
over a year ago

Wirral

What do you call a French man in sandals?

Phillipe Fillopp

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I reached for my liquid Viagra last night but accidentally picked up a bottle of Tippex and mistakenly downed that instead.

Anyway...I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I reached for my liquid Viagra last night but accidentally picked up a bottle of Tippex and mistakenly downed that instead.

Anyway...I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

That made me laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ive noticed the Norwegian Navy have now started putting bar codes on thier ships. Alegedly so they can Scandanavyin

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By *oalie66Man
over a year ago

Chesterfield

I got thrown out of KFC last night,

I only asked for a leg and a wing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ive noticed the Norwegian Navy have now started putting bar codes on thier ships. Alegedly so they can Scandanavyin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sent my hearing aids away to get fixed two weeks ago.. haven’t heard anything since

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can’t believe I accidentally put a litre of vodka in my lawnmower thinking it was petrol! Now the grass is half cut

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day.. won’t be seeing her for a while

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I watched a documentary on Beavers last night. Best dam show I’ve ever seen.

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By *onLicksMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

A woman walked into a bar and asked for an innuendo, so the barman have her one...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Saturn is a much better gas giant than Jupiter. Runs rings round it..

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

She said I'm too hot. I said cover yourself with dried ground capsicum. She asked why? I said then you'll be chilli..

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something. "

Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.

Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …"

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

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By *afksedMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

ADIS.

Don’t die of dyslexia.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.

Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.

Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently."

Both these jokes have made me feel good this morning. Very uplifting.

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

Skeleton walks into a bar, the landlord says "what can I get you"

Skeleton replies "pint of lager and a mop please"

Winston

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.

Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

Both these jokes have made me feel good this morning. Very uplifting.

I nearly wet myself reading this particular exchange. You guys rock

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.

Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

Both these jokes have made me feel good this morning. Very uplifting.

I nearly wet myself reading this particular exchange. You guys rock "

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane."

Mickey replied: "I didn't say she was mentally insane; I said that she's fucking Goofy!"

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By *heDeliveryManMan
over a year ago

Leicester

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

I caught my dick in my zip today, so that's it, no more zip up boots for me.

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago

Maidstone

"I asked the lady on the cake stall what this particular cake was, she replied “that’s Madeira Cake” I said “ok, could I look at your cheaper ones “

I’ll get my coat

Oh a cake one ... This one better told in a Glaswegian accent ...

Man in cake shop... "Is that an eclair or a meringue?"

Shop assistant reply "aye you're right, it is an eclair"

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By *heDeliveryManMan
over a year ago

Leicester

I decided to sell my hoover, it was just collecting dust.

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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

My wife said she's leaving me cause I change into a new clothes outfit every 30mins

I responded 'Wait! Give me a chance honey, I can change'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A farmer buys a cock, and in the morning he's fucked all 150 hens. In the afternoon it fucks all of them again, then the geese, and finally the ducks. The farmer goes outside and see the cock laying on the ground being circled overhead by crows. He walks over to the cock and says "that'll teach you, you horny fucker" the cock cranks open one eye and reply "ssshh, they'll be landing any minute"

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By *elvetBlueWoman
over a year ago

South East & Berkshire

There is a new autopsy club in town and last night it was packed.

It was open mike night.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with a spade on his head ( dug )

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By *ociable-NottmCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Who wants to hear a joke about a pizza?

Sorry can’t tell you it’s to cheesy

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By *escourtesMan
over a year ago

hereford

What winks and fucks like a Tiger?....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I met the man who invented the window Cill the other day. The man is a Ledge……

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By *uvs2snogMan
over a year ago

crawley

What do you call a 3 legged donkey?

Wonkey …..

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do you call a man with a spade on his head ( dug ) "

No, an ambulance

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago

Maidstone

In the Olympic Village, a man stands at a bus stop with a pole.

A woman asks, "oh are you a pole vaulter?"

He replies, "No I'm German but how did you know my name is Walter?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the cow cross the road?

To go to the mooooooovies

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to shop for six cans of sprite. I was devastated when I got home I’d picked 7 up

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Why do ducks have tail feathers......

To cover their bum quack

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

"GIVE IT TO ME SHE YELLED,

I'M SO FUCKING WET GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!"

She can scream all she wants .....

I'm not giving her the fucking umbrella.

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”

Man: “Yes!”

Reporter: “Name?”

Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”

Reporter: “Sex?”

Man: “Three to five times a week.”

Reporter: “No, no! I mean male or female?”

Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”

Reporter: “Holy cow!”

Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”

Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”

Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”

Reporter: “Oh dear!”

Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

A: Virgin Mobile

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

Two Tampons going down the street ...

Which one speaks first ??...

Neither , they're both stuck up Cunts

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Two Tampons going down the street ...

Which one speaks first ??...

Neither , they're both stuck up Cunts

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By *oldyoudown41Man
over a year ago

caledonian

Please don’t take any offence to the next one

A dyslexic IRA Woman got her tampax mixed you with her Semtex and blew up the wrong cunt

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

The first rule of hide a vegetable in a sentence club is: be true to yourself.

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

Bought an old vinyl album from my local charity shop the other day "Sounds wasps make"

Got it home, put it on and thought "this sounds fuck all like wasps"

Realised I'd put on the Bee side.

Winston

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By *ipvanwinkieMan
over a year ago

out of town!

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other “how do you drive this thing?”

Apologies etc

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By *RANDMRSJAECouple
over a year ago

chester

Duck walks into a bar…

Day 1

got any bread?

Barman: no

Day 2 Duck: got any bread?

Barman: no

Day 3 duck: got any bread?

Barman: if you come in asking for bread again, I’ll nail your beak to the bar!

Day 4 Duck: got any nails?

Barman: no

Day 5 Duck: got any bread

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a zombie that likes stir fry?

Dead man wok'ing

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By *ellhungvweMan
over a year ago

Cheltenham

"The first rule of hide a vegetable in a sentence club is: be true to yourself."

Let us think about this.

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

An English man, Scotsmen and an Irish man are trying to get into the Olympics but don't have tickets.

The English man has brain wave picks up a long pole places it under his blazer arm walks up to the competitors entrance and says "Bentley, England pole vaulting" and they let him in.

Inspired by this the Scotsmen picks up a manhole cove struts up in his kilt and says "Macgregor Scotland discus" they let him in.

Following the Irish man picks up a roll of barbed wire walks up and says "Murphy, Ireland fencing "

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

"The first rule of hide a vegetable in a sentence club is: be true to yourself.

Let us think about this. "

Beetroot

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Just before closing time late on a Friday afternoon, a distinguished silver haired gentleman enters a jewellers with a vivacious twenty year old blonde on his arm...

Approaching the assistant he announces that he wishes to purchase a special ring for his girlfriend. The assistant goes to the safe room and returns with a tray with rings up to the value of £5000, the gentleman says "my man, I don't think you understand, I wish to purchase a special ring, so the assistant returns to the safe room with a tray with rings up to the value of £50,000 ...picking one up the girlfriend is trembling with excitement. I believe this is the one that we want. How much is it..?

This particular ring is £40,000 how do you wish to pay enquires the assistant.

I will pay by cheque, if you don't mind, though I appreciate you will want to contact my bank first thing Monday morning to ensure there's sufficient funds in my account, when you've done that please ring me and I will return Monday afternoon to collect the ring. Monday morning comes and the jeweller is on the phone to the guy...."there's no money in your account " I know says the man " "but imagine the weekend I've just had"

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By *iman2100Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

An old lady goes into the fish mongers.

Lady "I would like a nice piece of cod please."

Fishmonger - "I am sorry, we have no cod today"

lady - "Oh, ok. I will have a piece of plaice and a portion of cod please"

Fishmonger "We have no cod madam!"

Lady -"Oh dear. Ok a pair of kippers and some cod please"

Fishmonger spelling the word - "We have no; C O D F - cod!!"

Lady - " There's no F in cod?"

Fishmonger - "That is what I have been telling you."

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