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why you shouldent use your phone in the Asda loos

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By *eavenNhell OP   Couple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

nicked from a fetish site

You shouldn’t talk on your phone in a public bathroom.

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning

computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething

cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over

forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the

process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal,

following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch

at Schoops. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with

subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things

would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at Walmart to go Christmas

shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my

way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything

Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent

cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I

hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have

numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.

2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied

one.

3. Poo on seat.

4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

5. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of

toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers

and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being

next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds

of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound

of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone

conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of

Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on

and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shity day he

had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the

loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I,

too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My

bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon,

my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer

cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand

against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded

with a fart of colossal magnitude - a cross between the sound of someone

ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.

The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not

unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency

of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became

apparent:

(1) The next-door conversation had ceased

(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come

(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if

a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way

under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart

had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of

choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear

that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear

that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and

blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in

me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later,

in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to

ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now,

all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he

desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made

themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw

up...in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh

God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at

the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding

down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear

words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I

could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal

announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily

into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a

fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him

running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage.

I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew

that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that

unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl.

Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom

with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a

face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural

elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous

poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop

in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

-SR

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By *he Original TTMan
over a year ago

Brackley, Northants

I have just been in tears of laughter reading this!

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By *r and mrs sanddancerCouple
over a year ago

BOLDON COLLIERY

had to read this in two parts as i was crying with laughter

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

crying here..

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By *upitersmileCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

That is the most disgustingly funny I've ever read!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Chuckling so much my son came into my room to ask why. I was laughing so much I couldn't read it out loud to him .... all I could choke out was JOKE!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Admit it OP..... it was YOU!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

brilliant - and it deffo stopped me singing and I cant breathe now .........

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By *indylou47Woman
over a year ago

BOLTON

Best laugh I've had in ages. Crying laughing here

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If carlsberg did shitting in public stories lol

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By *eavenNhell OP   Couple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge


"Admit it OP..... it was YOU!!

"

haha no sorry was nicked off fetlife some yank put it up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fuck me that's funny. Tears rolling here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Genius

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've got a stupid cough and have nearly choked to death reading that

Blooming thing needs a warning!

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By *awty nannaWoman
over a year ago

sheffield

Bloody hell got tears rolling down my cheeks !!!

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By *hole Lotta RosieWoman
over a year ago

Deviant City

that was hilarious!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That was totally and disgustingly hilarious could barely read it for laffing pmsl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

lmfao I'm in tears after that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Getting told off for lying here in fits when I should be asleep lmfao!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Genius

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By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

Here is another classic. A bit old but a classic. The original has badly done MS paint images to illustrate things. Search Google for "the worst possible date ever"

Alright...I don't care if you guys believe me ... it's real. This is the the most embarassing thing that I've ever experienced... it was a horrible night for me.. and I'm sharing it with you guys because I don't want any of my misc brahs to have to go through this.. especially since it all could have been EASILY prevented. I have added MS paint images so that you have a better idea as to what happened. It's very long, but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details. no ****ing cliffs..... read it to save yourself from something like this...

Anyway...

If you've been following my social anxiety thread you would have learned that I got an asian girls number during my last update (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a sh!t, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a sh!t really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her washroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.

I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first??

So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!

So then I'm like "fuk this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...

As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.

I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:

I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting sh!t on her floor....

At that point things get even worse...

The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her washroom....

I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...

she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol

she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!

I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"

I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...

she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..

I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.

about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.

All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).

to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.

anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?

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