FabSwingers.com forum: Why have all the Jokes dried up?

By *anda man. OP Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Jokes anyone???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A policeman knocked on my door this morning.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

"Sure," I replied, taking him into the living room.

He said, "I've got some bad news, your wife was hit by a bus last night and died at the scene."

"Oh right," I sighed, "That's a shame."

After a few minutes of silence he said, "You seem pretty relaxed."

I said, "I am, these lazy boy chairs are the bollocks."

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

I got stopped by a policeman for speeding. I said, "I voted for your Police and Crime Commissioner and he said he was going to prioritise violent crimes and drug dealing." The policeman said, "So you're the one?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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By *anda man. OP Man
over a year ago

Stockport

I opened my own bakery two weeks ago.

My first telephone order for a birthday cake went as follows...

The lady said " I want a red and white birthday cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS'written on it.

I thought it a bit odd but she paid by credit card over the phone and so i made it anyway.

Mrs.Cox was furious when i delivered it.

So was her son Issac.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Santa clause won't be visiting stoke mandeville this year. The thought of another white haired man emptying his sack in the early hours is too much to handle.

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By *ixson-BallsMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

what four words do you NOT want to hear after sex....

"hows about that then"

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By *arambarMan
over a year ago

swindon

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

" Jokes anyone???"

Is that the punch line?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,"What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, she replied because she was hungry

The Judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,"What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, she replied because she was hungry

The Judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." "

Old Jews Telling Jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I will tell you a joke that will make you laugh your tits off......... Oh you've heard it before ,

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't send endless text messages.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Harry the Eagle

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ............. 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT !

... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE,

You made a MISTAKE!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was with this really fit bird and I was so turned on that I couldn't help having a crafty wank under the sheet. Either she didn't notice, or was too polite to mention, but she just carried on cutting my hair.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little Billy asks his Dad for a tv in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?"

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth wide open in amazement.

Dad says, "so, what were you watching?"

Billy says, "Wimbledon."

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By *aris23Woman
over a year ago

France

Vet Students

First-year students at Auburn University's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.”

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and tells them “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”

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By *aris23Woman
over a year ago

France

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350..."

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.

"Yes"!!!! she said, horrified "He's got one hanging there"....!

The boss said

"Go back in and give him £3.50......He's the window cleaner"

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Guy walks into a pharmacy and says can i have some viagra . Cashier says " I need some medical proof . "

Bloke says " here's a photo of my wife " .

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

My pet mouse 'elvis' died last night........ Caught in a trap

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

I rang Babestation last night, the girl answered and said "Hi, what can I do for you.?" I said "Fucking hide, I've lost the remote and my wife's coming down the stairs"

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By *anda man. OP Man
over a year ago

Stockport

The exhumed body of Jimmy Saville has been cremated today.

His last will and testament has been found during the police investigation..

The will stipulates his wish to be cremated and his ashes put into an Etch-a-Sketch so the kids can still fiddle with his knob.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Riddle::: what gets longer when u pull it, fits between boobs just right, slides in a hole just right, and go stiff with jerked it?

scroll down ..

A SEAT BELT U PERVERT!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Breeding Bulls My wife and I went to the local County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! A week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

In capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

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By *anda man. OP Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Having read "50 Shades of Grey" a Welsh Guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal sex for thr first time.

He says "If it hurts too much,yell the safety word twice and i'll stop"

"Ok,what's the safety word?"

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilipgogogoch"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All these years thinking i had a birthmark on my arse !

Now it turns out to be a cigar burn

How's about that then !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas from the internet. I asked him which web site he saw them on and he replied 'Google Earth'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack

Man: £10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?

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By *punkyhelmet5Man
over a year ago

Weston-super-mare

My new Jimmy Saville advent calender is shit ....the flaps only open between 1 and 16....lol

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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago

In Your Bush

A huge fat women is standing in the queue at the supermarket, when her phone begins to bleep, A little boy standing behind shouts " O fuck its reversing "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A farmer had a herd of cows and the bull wasn't doing his job of servicing the cows.

So the farmer calls in the vet, the vet runs some tests on the bull and says to the farmer "I could put him on a course of injections, Or we could try this old cowman's trick"

The vet walks over to the nearest cow, lifts her tail, rubs his hand across the cows vagina and then rubs his hand under the bulls nose.

The bull gets an instant erection, climbs on the cow and starts servicing her. The farmer is amazed.

That night he is laying in bed next to his sleeping wife and he thinks " I wonder if it works on humans?"

He carefully rubs his hand across his wife's vagina and then rubs his hand under his nose. He gets an instant erection, he wakes his wife up and says "What do you think of this? "

His wife looks at him and says "You have woken me up at this time of the morning, just to show me that you have a nose bleed ?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some of those could make their way into some home made xmas crackers

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you heard about the new Jimmy Saville advent calendar?

The flaps only open up to 16...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy was cleaning his shotgun one day when it accidently went off, and he shot his wife.

Panicing he called 999

Paddy; help help i've shot my wife

Operater; calm down sir please the first thing you need to do is make sure she is dead

.......BANG......

Paddy; ok i have done that now what??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy was at Murpheys having a drink, when he went to leave they noticed it was pissing it down with rain.

Murphey; hey Paddy its terrible out there why don't you stay at mine for the night.

Paddy; ok Murphey thats right kind of you i think i will.

So Murphey went upstairs to make the spare room up and when he came down Paddy was stood there dripping wet.

Murphey; what happened paddy why are you so wet?

Paddy; well i just popped home to get my pyjamas didnt i...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I got stopped by a policeman for speeding. I said, "I voted for your Police and Crime Commissioner and he said he was going to prioritise violent crimes and drug dealing." The policeman said, "So you're the one?""

Current and funny am impressed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded."

Pull the udder one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jamaican chap in court for assaulting next door neighbour.

Judge says to jamaican did you strike this man in defence he says no i hit him in de face he fell over de fence.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lady: Do you smoke?Man: Yes Lady: How many packs a day?Man: 3 packs Lady: How much per packMan: £10.00Lady: And how long have you been smoking?Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?Man: Do you smoke? Lady: No Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?

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By *inkyScot22Man
over a year ago

Anniesland

CAUTION: Contains Scots

-----------------------

When I was at primary school, the local mister would visit the school and come into each class about once a term to have a 'wee chat' about God. On one such occasion he was asked by a young lassie what was God's name. A wee bit nonplussed he said that no-one actually knew God's name whereupon a normally shy lad called out, "Ah ken it, meenister, Ah ken God's name!" "That's amazing," said the minister, "What's his name and how do you know it?"

"It's Harold Wishart," said the laddie, "and I ken it fae the prayer." The reverend was clearly puzzled and asked the boy which prayer he was referring to. The boy stood up, bowed his head, and recited, "Our father Wishart in Heaven, Harold be thy name."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walked out to the street and immediately catches a taxi in New York City . The cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Brian. "

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete who could have won the Grand Slam at tennis or played golf with the pros. He sang like a bird, danced like a star and played the piano . He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, remembered everybody's birthday and knew all about wine. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow... Some guy that Brian."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way in traffic and avoided every traffic jam. Brian never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fuckin' widow."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"A f**k ", Paddy replies.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two boys, Timmy and Jimmy, are in a playground, when Timmy shows Jimmy his new Spiderman watch.

'Wow thats amazing!' Jimmy exclaims 'how did you get that?'

'I walked into my parents bedroom without knocking, and found them undressed on the bed wrestling each other. My dad was really angry and shouted at me and I started to cry, then he felt really bad about it and bought me this watch to say sorry'

After school, Jimmy decides to go straight upstairs to his parents bedroom and walks in unannounced, and sure enough, catches them wrestling.

'What on Earth are you doing in here?!' shouts his dad.

'I wanna watch!' Jimmy replies

'Oh alright, pull up a chair'

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

"Paddy was at Murpheys having a drink, when he went to leave they noticed it was pissing it down with rain.

Murphey; hey Paddy its terrible out there why don't you stay at mine for the night.

Paddy; ok Murphey thats right kind of you i think i will.

So Murphey went upstairs to make the spare room up and when he came down Paddy was stood there dripping wet.

Murphey; what happened paddy why are you so wet?

Paddy; well i just popped home to get my pyjamas didnt i..."

Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Lesson 1:

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.

Lesson 3:

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

mmm loved them all , just wondering if you work for the M.O.D lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This years jimmy savile advent calenders have been recalled due to a fault, only flaps 1 to 12 will open.

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

marti pellow has been telling his doctor he has artheritis for weeks when asked how he knew he replyed

" i feel it in my fingers i feel it in my toes "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

On the day of the zoo inspection, the staff realise that due to a recent power cut all the fish, chimpanzees and honey bees have died overnight - in an effort to hide the evidence, they throw the bodies into the lions den, followed by the honey bees which are so numerous that they have to be mashed up first.

Later that day, following a huge meal the lions are all lounging around having a good chat:

'Breakfast was great today! We had fish, chimps and mushy bees!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"marti pellow has been telling his doctor he has artheritis for weeks when asked how he knew he replyed

" i feel it in my fingers i feel it in my toes ""

Upon entering the doctors office, Marti was suprised to see that his new GP was none other than Lionel Ritchie, who promptly asked him:

'Pellow, is it me you're looking for?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy and Mary were walking home from the pub. Mary says, "I need a piss," goes behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feeling horny, Paddy puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He jokes, "Have you changed your sex?" Mary says, "No I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was in a posh restaurant with Siren the other day. I tried to impress her by ordering our food in French, but the waiter was very rude, and didn't seem too impressed with my efforts. I complained to the manager, who was very apologetic.

He even offered us free prawn crackers with our buffet.

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Paddy says to Murphy. 'Oh bejeazus! Have you heard de news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to der deaths!'

'Unber-feckin-leevable' said Murphy. I can't believe dey all had de same name!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blowjob is. I didn't know what a blowjob was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew. "Do you know what a blowjob is?" She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.

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By *azzaahhWoman
over a year ago

north wales / chester

Havent laughed do much in ages xx. Thanks forumites

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

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By *els_BellsWoman
over a year ago

with the moon n stars somewhere in gtr manc

I was walking down the road today and saw a dead baby ghost......

Come to think of it, it could have just been a hankerchief.

Two men walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright til you hear them speak.

What does it mean when your hubby is in bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didnt hold the pillow down long enough.

Man: want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind its too long.

Womqn: want to hear a joke about my pussy? Nevermind you wont get it.

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By *o-jCouple
over a year ago

Outskirts of Notts

I said to my OH last night shall we do some role play fun tonight , okay , so I asked him what him wanted me to be he thought for a minute then said ' a prostitute ' okay I said and who are you going to be ?

Peter Sutcliffe .....

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By *o-jCouple
over a year ago

Outskirts of Notts

""Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours."

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