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Should I give up on sex to save my marriage

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By *appyfazer600 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chippenham

Hi fabbers. I've been married over 30 years. We're probably companions more than anything now. We spend a lot of time together but 5 years ago she went completely off sex, even suggesting that I went to the doctor to 'get myself sorted'. That led me to start seeing other women and experiencing passion, the feeling of being able to satisfy a woman and being wanted by someone in that way. Something I hadn't experienced in my marriage since the very early days.

I know if my wife found out I'd cheated she would want a divorce. Some of you will say 'talk to her about it'. Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response. I'm 60. I'm pretty fit and I'm frustrated. I keep contemplating wanting to give up sex but I have both an emotional and physical need for it. There is no easy solution. Question is, can one build up a resistance to wanting those experiences again with someone and are there consequences in trying to do that? Sorry for the waffle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are you still married?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds to me like your marriage is a habit not a relationship. Why spend your life this way if you’re unhappy and she won’t even accept you have a pov?

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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago

Bristol

It sounds like your relationship isn’t meeting your needs, which will put the relationship under strain regardless of anything else.

However, if you need to decide what’s more important to you, sex or your marriage, and you believe your only choice is between sex and your marriage, you’re the only one who can answer the question.

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By *heonixrising500Man
over a year ago

Barnsley

Be happy life is short

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By *hatMinxOverThereWoman
over a year ago

42 Wallaby Way

I think you already know the answer to your own question and are looking for agreement to make you feel better.

Do what you think is best for you, I got divorced three years ago (I was with him 10 years) as I knew I didn’t want to spend any more of my life unhappy.

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

“Get myself sorted” makes me think that your wife thinks you are depressed, and that’s why she doesn’t want to fuck you.

Is she happy, and is she happy being married to you? If not, try counselling. If yes, you nave choices to make.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Allways a shame to read these threads as inevitably some one will get hurt! U must decide for yourself! But maybe it's time to move on for u both? X

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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago

Burnleyish (She/They)


"“Get myself sorted” makes me think that your wife thinks you are depressed, and that’s why she doesn’t want to fuck you.

Is she happy, and is she happy being married to you? If not, try counselling. If yes, you nave choices to make. "

I read it as if he needed to get the snip but not sure what that has to do with her losing sex drive.

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By *he Vital SparkMan
over a year ago

Preston

I was in a sexless marriage, she had gone of it. Last 8 years was hard. Never cheated but used porn as an outlet to keep me sane. I knew it wasn't healthy and after talking about it, we both decided to call it a day. Only you can decide what to do. Everyone is different. Good luck. PS, I've never been happier

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By *hellebelleWoman
over a year ago

ashford


"It sounds like your relationship isn’t meeting your needs, which will put the relationship under strain regardless of anything else.

However, if you need to decide what’s more important to you, sex or your marriage, and you believe your only choice is between sex and your marriage, you’re the only one who can answer the question."

I lost my sons dad years ago after he was involved in an accident and I really struggled to accept that our physical relationship changed to where he had no libido and lacked the ability to perform before he passed away.

I would have him back in a heartbeat if I could…. Even knowing that a physical relationship wasn’t possible… because I miss him in far more ways you could imagine and sex isn’t even in my mind when I type this.

Only you can decide what’s best for you… if your wife isn’t enough for you then let her be with someone who wants the same as her so you can be with someone or others wanting the same as you…. without cheating on her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi fabbers. I've been married over 30 years. We're probably companions more than anything now. We spend a lot of time together but 5 years ago she went completely off sex, even suggesting that I went to the doctor to 'get myself sorted'. That led me to start seeing other women and experiencing passion, the feeling of being able to satisfy a woman and being wanted by someone in that way. Something I hadn't experienced in my marriage since the very early days.

I know if my wife found out I'd cheated she would want a divorce. Some of you will say 'talk to her about it'. Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response. I'm 60. I'm pretty fit and I'm frustrated. I keep contemplating wanting to give up sex but I have both an emotional and physical need for it. There is no easy solution. Question is, can one build up a resistance to wanting those experiences again with someone and are there consequences in trying to do that? Sorry for the waffle "

What did she mean when she said for you to get yourself sorted?..?

That could be anything from her expecting you to be sterilised in some way to something completely different e.g dealing with mental health, getting help with an addiction or even working on other parts of your relationship to make her feel sexy and wanted.

Hard to answer unless you clarify this OP

KJ

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By *oroRick1027Man
over a year ago

Middlesbrough


"Hi fabbers. I've been married over 30 years. We're probably companions more than anything now. We spend a lot of time together but 5 years ago she went completely off sex, even suggesting that I went to the doctor to 'get myself sorted'. That led me to start seeing other women and experiencing passion, the feeling of being able to satisfy a woman and being wanted by someone in that way. Something I hadn't experienced in my marriage since the very early days.

I know if my wife found out I'd cheated she would want a divorce. Some of you will say 'talk to her about it'. Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response. I'm 60. I'm pretty fit and I'm frustrated. I keep contemplating wanting to give up sex but I have both an emotional and physical need for it. There is no easy solution. Question is, can one build up a resistance to wanting those experiences again with someone and are there consequences in trying to do that? Sorry for the waffle "

At the age of 61 I separated from my wife after 38 yrs of marriage. We had not had sex for 8 yrs. Nearly 5 yrs later, I am happily living in my own flat about 14 miles from my wife, who I still see quite often as we have 2 sons 24 and 31 who are our common denominator.

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By *iss DevilWoman
over a year ago

Bedford


"Why are you still married?"

Exactly this. I know a guy in a very similar situation to yours, just slightly older. He was swinging successfully for about 20 years or so, without the wife's knowledge. However, they then both retired at the same time and she found out about his extramarital activities. After loads of arguing and discussions, he decided to stay with her (she did, apparently, threatened to kill herself if he left her). That happened a few years ago, he is still with her, but he is miserable.

OP, have a think, yes, it is still your wife, yes, you may still love her. But is it really fair on you to live in celibacy for the rest of your life?

You need to carefully consider all pros and cons and make your own decision.

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By *appyfazer600 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chippenham


"“Get myself sorted” makes me think that your wife thinks you are depressed, and that’s why she doesn’t want to fuck you.

Is she happy, and is she happy being married to you? If not, try counselling. If yes, you nave choices to make. "

No, she wanted me to get medication to reduce my libido. She is happy being married to me.

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By *ebjonnsonMan
over a year ago

Maldon


"“Get myself sorted” makes me think that your wife thinks you are depressed, and that’s why she doesn’t want to fuck you.

Is she happy, and is she happy being married to you? If not, try counselling. If yes, you nave choices to make.

I read it as if he needed to get the snip but not sure what that has to do with her losing sex drive. "

Or castrated. That would sort it!

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By *iss KinkWoman
over a year ago

North West

Ok are you now getting sex regularly off here? Could it be the menopause

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By *ebjonnsonMan
over a year ago

Maldon

I left my marriage of 27 years as sex was non existent and I knew it wouldn’t change.

I’m financially fucked but do I regret it? No. Well, sometimes.

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By *appyfazer600 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chippenham


"Hi fabbers. I've been married over 30 years. We're probably companions more than anything now. We spend a lot of time together but 5 years ago she went completely off sex, even suggesting that I went to the doctor to 'get myself sorted'. That led me to start seeing other women and experiencing passion, the feeling of being able to satisfy a woman and being wanted by someone in that way. Something I hadn't experienced in my marriage since the very early days.

I know if my wife found out I'd cheated she would want a divorce. Some of you will say 'talk to her about it'. Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response. I'm 60. I'm pretty fit and I'm frustrated. I keep contemplating wanting to give up sex but I have both an emotional and physical need for it. There is no easy solution. Question is, can one build up a resistance to wanting those experiences again with someone and are there consequences in trying to do that? Sorry for the waffle

What did she mean when she said for you to get yourself sorted?..?

That could be anything from her expecting you to be sterilised in some way to something completely different e.g dealing with mental health, getting help with an addiction or even working on other parts of your relationship to make her feel sexy and wanted.

Hard to answer unless you clarify this OP

KJ"

She refused to go to the doctor with me to see what could be done. She wanted me to. Go on my own to find ways of reducing my libido so that not having sex would no longer be an issue.

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By *iltsTSgirlTV/TS
over a year ago

chichester

Your marriage is dead evidently snd just going through the death rolls People are scared to change end up just self imploding ultimately.

To see a dr to get your self sorted gosh what a thing to say to a man she has been married to for 30 years. Utter disregard. . Maybe you could have deflected that back at her as well to see a dr and get herself sorted to function normally.

Guarantee she would have flipped her biscuit lid over that.

As other said think it’s time to have the chat with her and tell her you are not going to live out your remaining years celibate

Good luck op life always moves forwards

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By *aughtywifeandhimCouple
over a year ago

luton

Be honest with your wife , let her know you can’t cope with a sexless marriage , , I told my wife after we had been swinging a while that I had thought about it as our sex live had become a bit flat , we use to watch a bit of porn to spice things up which helped a bit , she also admitted it had gone sour for a while , I told her I would not dream of cheating on her and she was the same with me , this was after about 20 years of marriage 12 years on we now have fun with others , she has a regular f/b and I have the occasional one off , we are more open about our sex life and thankfully our marriage is going strong , she even discovered her bi side , Have a proper talk with her , talk about your fantasies together,but don’t keep brushing your sex life under the carpet ,it has to be dealt with as same as any other part of marraige , in the time being don’t cheat as that is too hurtful , use porn to get your sexual relief

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By *iltsTSgirlTV/TS
over a year ago

chichester


"“Get myself sorted” makes me think that your wife thinks you are depressed, and that’s why she doesn’t want to fuck you.

Is she happy, and is she happy being married to you? If not, try counselling. If yes, you nave choices to make.

I read it as if he needed to get the snip but not sure what that has to do with her losing sex drive.

Or castrated. That would sort it! "

Nahh castrstion doesn’t really work like that. Many trans are castrated and enjoy sex still , many men are chemically castrated from illness / treatment. And still have a lower sex drive. Unless someone is utterly mentally devoid of sexual thoughts it doesn’t really work that .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi fabbers. I've been married over 30 years. We're probably companions more than anything now. We spend a lot of time together but 5 years ago she went completely off sex, even suggesting that I went to the doctor to 'get myself sorted'. That led me to start seeing other women and experiencing passion, the feeling of being able to satisfy a woman and being wanted by someone in that way. Something I hadn't experienced in my marriage since the very early days.

I know if my wife found out I'd cheated she would want a divorce. Some of you will say 'talk to her about it'. Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response. I'm 60. I'm pretty fit and I'm frustrated. I keep contemplating wanting to give up sex but I have both an emotional and physical need for it. There is no easy solution. Question is, can one build up a resistance to wanting those experiences again with someone and are there consequences in trying to do that? Sorry for the waffle

What did she mean when she said for you to get yourself sorted?..?

That could be anything from her expecting you to be sterilised in some way to something completely different e.g dealing with mental health, getting help with an addiction or even working on other parts of your relationship to make her feel sexy and wanted.

Hard to answer unless you clarify this OP

KJ

She refused to go to the doctor with me to see what could be done. She wanted me to. Go on my own to find ways of reducing my libido so that not having sex would no longer be an issue. "

I'm sorry OP but that's messed up.

As bad as cheating is and it is.

If a person in a marriage goes off sex that's absolutely their choice their body. However for them to expect their partner who has a healthy sex drive to go without sex for the rest of their life without even considering any potential solutions is both heartless and cruel.

KJ

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

Second "feel sorry for me" Post

Look, you are cheating, ergo a cheat! You are prepared to destroy your wife when she finds out. At least have the guts to get out of a relationship that doesn't suit! Plus any other family will probably shun you.

It shouldn't be hard, you obviously don't love your wife (No you don't or you wouldn't be cheating!) so why not leave?

As I said on the other thread, you are the type of "Fab single" guy that stopped us meeting singles. Do I think you are being honest just because you have told us on here? Nah! The person who should be the most important in your life needs to know so she can decide her next move.

(Yes, cheating does piss me off! My mother was a serial cheat and the life that made for us kids was bloody awful! We never wanted for anything other than the arguments to stop!)

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Why not call her bluff? Ask to discuss things, tell her how unhappy you are and if she responds with "you know what to do" start making arrangements to leave.

It's hugely unfair in a relationship if one person ignores the others unhappiness

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Second "feel sorry for me" Post

Look, you are cheating, ergo a cheat! You are prepared to destroy your wife when she finds out. At least have the guts to get out of a relationship that doesn't suit! Plus any other family will probably shun you.

It shouldn't be hard, you obviously don't love your wife (No you don't or you wouldn't be cheating!) so why not leave?

As I said on the other thread, you are the type of "Fab single" guy that stopped us meeting singles. Do I think you are being honest just because you have told us on here? Nah! The person who should be the most important in your life needs to know so she can decide her next move.

(Yes, cheating does piss me off! My mother was a serial cheat and the life that made for us kids was bloody awful! We never wanted for anything other than the arguments to stop!)"

Bit much

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly only you can answer your thread question because we don’t know you or your wife.

And the best advice I can give you is to just live your best life.

And if you’re 60 change the age on your profile.

T

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi in Surrey with a lady looking for a day dogging area for now

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By *riel13Woman
over a year ago

Northampton

It sounds like she is testing you... That kind of manipulation is childish and I wouldn't put up with it... But I would have left before I fucked someone else

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There’s some really good advice on here

I don’t think it’s fair of her to make that decision for both of you. As others have said, she’s entitled to say she no longer wants sex, but that isn’t your decision, and she then shuts down further conversations.

It’s not reasonable or fair to expect someone to live without sex, and the intimacy that brings.

Ultimately only you can decide which side of the fence you’ll be better off on….

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By *ocopops1962Man
over a year ago

Glasgow / Lindon

Oh dear OP , you started pondering and ended up with suggestions of castration - that good deep quickly .

Im still thinking about how to advise, but perhaps need to remove the log from my eye first …

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

O.P.

I am pretty shocked at some of the replies here. Particularly the ones that claim a marriage without sex isn't a relationship.

No one can answer this Q for you. At best people can only say Yay or Nay and that response would be based on Jack Shit.

How successful are you at getting sex with other women ?

How long will you be successful for ?

Do you love THE PERSON that is your wife or is she just their to fuck ?

When you no longer appeal to other women, will you regret losing your wife for a few years more sex ?

Why did you get married in the first place?

Is it the entire marriage you don't want or would it be okay if you got regular sex within your marriage ?

How old is your wife ? She may no longer have the ability to have sex. It happens. Menopause, Vaginal Atrophy or Clitoral Atrophy.

You know, sometimes not wanting sex is about THEM. Not YOU.

Ask her what her needs are.

This doesn't mean you have no needs. It means a way must be found in which your needs are met.

Personally speaking, my late husband was more to me that a regular fuck ....

I'm more a Friends before Fucks person though .

It's more human than the shit people are sold otherwise.

Multiple fucks does not = a big brave man.

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By *eeling0880Man
over a year ago

Pennines

She might have just gone off sex with you perhaps? Maybe you’re not the only one seeking elsewhere…just saying

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

there ffs..... what is up with my flucking fringers toady.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


"It sounds like your relationship isn’t meeting your needs, which will put the relationship under strain regardless of anything else.

However, if you need to decide what’s more important to you, sex or your marriage, and you believe your only choice is between sex and your marriage, you’re the only one who can answer the question."

This

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

To say to medicate to lower your libido is just plain wrong, in my opinion.

Has she gone to the Dr to see why hers has lowered? As a couple it should be dealt with together as a couple. There shouldn't be a blatant disregard to your wants needs etc.

Yeah a relationship shouldn't be all about sex, but for some people it's an important part of their being and should be spoken about as grown ups. Not shutting the other down by threatening with leaving or go see a Dr to fix it. If a menopausal woman was told you better have more sex or there's the door or go medicate yourself, people would be going mad.

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By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La


"It sounds like she is testing you... That kind of manipulation is childish and I wouldn't put up with it... But I would have left before I fucked someone else "

How is she manipulating him?

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By *ockosaurusMan
over a year ago

Warwick

Tbh, the fact you have done it behind her back, and even talking about it with her will result in her telling you "you know what to do", then it sounds pretty much at an end anyway.

So what have you got to lose in talking to her?

You might be mistaken, and she might understand that she has lost interest, but you haven't.

If not... you know what to do, and it will probably be best for both of you.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


"O.P.

I am pretty shocked at some of the replies here. Particularly the ones that claim a marriage without sex isn't a relationship.

No one can answer this Q for you. At best people can only say Yay or Nay and that response would be based on Jack Shit.

How successful are you at getting sex with other women ?

How long will you be successful for ?

Do you love THE PERSON that is your wife or is she just their to fuck ?

When you no longer appeal to other women, will you regret losing your wife for a few years more sex ?

Why did you get married in the first place?

Is it the entire marriage you don't want or would it be okay if you got regular sex within your marriage ?

How old is your wife ? She may no longer have the ability to have sex. It happens. Menopause, Vaginal Atrophy or Clitoral Atrophy.

You know, sometimes not wanting sex is about THEM. Not YOU.

Ask her what her needs are.

This doesn't mean you have no needs. It means a way must be found in which your needs are met.

Personally speaking, my late husband was more to me that a regular fuck ....

I'm more a Friends before Fucks person though .

It's more human than the shit people are sold otherwise.

Multiple fucks does not = a big brave man. "

100%

Even if granny can't spell 'there'

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By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La

All I get from this is how you feel, how you want sex, you you you. Have you even asked or discussed why she has gone off sex?

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land


"All I get from this is how you feel, how you want sex, you you you. Have you even asked or discussed why she has gone off sex?"

See I read it differently,

"Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response."

So he has tried and she refuses to talk about and denies the OP to speak about his feelings of removal of sex from their relationship. Couples in my opinion should be able to talk about sex with each other.

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London

I don't think these things need to be very complicated - what's more important to your happiness for the rest of your life - an active sex life, or your wife's companionship?

If you can't have both, you need to pick one for both your sakes and then make the necessary adjustments.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"O.P.

I am pretty shocked at some of the replies here. Particularly the ones that claim a marriage without sex isn't a relationship.

No one can answer this Q for you. At best people can only say Yay or Nay and that response would be based on Jack Shit.

How successful are you at getting sex with other women ?

How long will you be successful for ?

Do you love THE PERSON that is your wife or is she just their to fuck ?

When you no longer appeal to other women, will you regret losing your wife for a few years more sex ?

Why did you get married in the first place?

Is it the entire marriage you don't want or would it be okay if you got regular sex within your marriage ?

How old is your wife ? She may no longer have the ability to have sex. It happens. Menopause, Vaginal Atrophy or Clitoral Atrophy.

You know, sometimes not wanting sex is about THEM. Not YOU.

Ask her what her needs are.

This doesn't mean you have no needs. It means a way must be found in which your needs are met.

Personally speaking, my late husband was more to me that a regular fuck ....

I'm more a Friends before Fucks person though .

It's more human than the shit people are sold otherwise.

Multiple fucks does not = a big brave man.

100%

Even if granny can't spell 'there' "

This is utter persecution!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

First off I think you need to figure our if you and your wife actually like and respect each other. Based on what you've written about the situation it doesn't seem so. She cares nothing for your sexual needs and suggests you should take drugs to lower your libido (is that even a thing GP's prescribe for a healthy person??), and you cheat on her. Are you together out of habit or for love?

Until you've worked that out you won't be able to make a realistic decision.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ultimately only you can decide, do you want to spend the rest of your life with your wife being friends and sharing the house etc Or do you risk losing what you have now for the unknown but endless possibilities?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi fabbers. I've been married over 30 years. We're probably companions more than anything now. We spend a lot of time together but 5 years ago she went completely off sex, even suggesting that I went to the doctor to 'get myself sorted'. That led me to start seeing other women and experiencing passion, the feeling of being able to satisfy a woman and being wanted by someone in that way. Something I hadn't experienced in my marriage since the very early days.

I know if my wife found out I'd cheated she would want a divorce. Some of you will say 'talk to her about it'. Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response. I'm 60. I'm pretty fit and I'm frustrated. I keep contemplating wanting to give up sex but I have both an emotional and physical need for it. There is no easy solution. Question is, can one build up a resistance to wanting those experiences again with someone and are there consequences in trying to do that? Sorry for the waffle

What did she mean when she said for you to get yourself sorted?..?

That could be anything from her expecting you to be sterilised in some way to something completely different e.g dealing with mental health, getting help with an addiction or even working on other parts of your relationship to make her feel sexy and wanted.

Hard to answer unless you clarify this OP

KJ

She refused to go to the doctor with me to see what could be done. She wanted me to. Go on my own to find ways of reducing my libido so that not having sex would no longer be an issue.

I'm sorry OP but that's messed up.

As bad as cheating is and it is.

If a person in a marriage goes off sex that's absolutely their choice their body. However for them to expect their partner who has a healthy sex drive to go without sex for the rest of their life without even considering any potential solutions is both heartless and cruel.

KJ"

That I agree with

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By *iman2100Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

When you married was there a reasonble expectation of you two having sex together? Does her withdrawal of sex constitute unreasonable behaviour?

Is she not "cheating" on you by taking all the benefits of being married to you whilst not fulfilling her "duties" as a wife?

Sex is not love and love does not require sex. If you get on well together, e.g. love each other, then tell her you want to be with her and support her but you will be looking for sexual fulfillment elsewhere because you would never want to force her to do something she does not want to do.

[This comment brought to you by "Throw a brick in the pond.com"]

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By *appyfazer600 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chippenham


"Ultimately only you can decide, do you want to spend the rest of your life with your wife being friends and sharing the house etc Or do you risk losing what you have now for the unknown but endless possibilities?

"

That is an excellent summary but add and the guilt of leaving my wife into the latter option.

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By *entDomMan
over a year ago

Paddock Wood, Kent

Don't give it up. But don't intentionally hurt her.

What would you do if you met someone you were sexually compatible with?

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By *appyfazer600 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chippenham

Thank you all. Some interesting thoughts posted here. Much appreciated x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can I have sex with your wife?

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By *appyfazer600 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chippenham


"Don't give it up. But don't intentionally hurt her.

What would you do if you met someone you were sexually compatible with?"

It's not just about being sexually comlatible. It's about connection, finding someone who's passionate and wants you too. I have and very nearly left her for one very special lady but the age gap was just too much.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

A very clever lady by the name of Esther Perel states that the average person has 3 serious adult relationships in their life.

Sometimes all 3 are with the same person, but the dynamic within that relationship changes as do the people.

We all age.

We all change.

Have you considered marriage counselling?

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By *eedsmale36Man
over a year ago

Leeds


"Hi in Surrey with a lady looking for a day dogging area for now"

Fucking random !

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By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La


"All I get from this is how you feel, how you want sex, you you you. Have you even asked or discussed why she has gone off sex?

See I read it differently,

"Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response."

So he has tried and she refuses to talk about and denies the OP to speak about his feelings of removal of sex from their relationship. Couples in my opinion should be able to talk about sex with each other.

"

I completey agre couples should be able to talk about not just sex, but anything. Thats exactly the problem here. He isnt talking to her about it. She went off sex 5 years ago and made a comment about him seeing a doctor. To say even raising the subject will result in her saying "well if your not happy..." He doesn't say he has brought it up though. He dosnt say he has treid asking why she has gone off sex, if there is anything he can do to help/support her, what she is feeling or going through. Instead he talk of his wants, his needs, what he misses. No one should ever be in a relationship that makes them unhappy, feel detached or unfulfilled so im not suggesting grin and bare it. Maybe if all he sees them as are companions why stay?

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By *appyfazer600 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chippenham


"A very clever lady by the name of Esther Perel states that the average person has 3 serious adult relationships in their life.

Sometimes all 3 are with the same person, but the dynamic within that relationship changes as do the people.

We all age.

We all change.

Have you considered marriage counselling? "

I agree with the dynamic changing. Even suggesting counselling would spook my wife and I know she can't give me what I've experienced with other women. I couldn't possibly convey that during a counselling session.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why are you still married?"

Because he loves her and his life is perfect other than a lack of sex i'd imagine?

Do you honestly believe relationships only survive because of sex?

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"Why are you still married?

Because he loves her and his life is perfect other than a lack of sex i'd imagine?

Do you honestly believe relationships only survive because of sex?"

Can't be that perfect if the only reason he never left her for a younger model was the age gap.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"A very clever lady by the name of Esther Perel states that the average person has 3 serious adult relationships in their life.

Sometimes all 3 are with the same person, but the dynamic within that relationship changes as do the people.

We all age.

We all change.

Have you considered marriage counselling?

I agree with the dynamic changing. Even suggesting counselling would spook my wife and I know she can't give me what I've experienced with other women. I couldn't possibly convey that during a counselling session. "

Read that back to yourself.

You've mentally at least, checked out of this relationship.

Counselling would help you and your wife come to terms with the reality of your situation which neither of you appear to be facing.

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By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La


"A very clever lady by the name of Esther Perel states that the average person has 3 serious adult relationships in their life.

Sometimes all 3 are with the same person, but the dynamic within that relationship changes as do the people.

We all age.

We all change.

Have you considered marriage counselling?

I agree with the dynamic changing. Even suggesting counselling would spook my wife and I know she can't give me what I've experienced with other women. I couldn't possibly convey that during a counselling session. "

Why would it spook her? Have you even asked?

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By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La


"Why are you still married?

Because he loves her and his life is perfect other than a lack of sex i'd imagine?

Do you honestly believe relationships only survive because of sex?"

No, but many are ruined when they go else where for it.

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By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La


"Don't give it up. But don't intentionally hurt her.

What would you do if you met someone you were sexually compatible with?

It's not just about being sexually comlatible. It's about connection, finding someone who's passionate and wants you too. I have and very nearly left her for one very special lady but the age gap was just too much."

Its almost like you just want justification.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"A very clever lady by the name of Esther Perel states that the average person has 3 serious adult relationships in their life.

Sometimes all 3 are with the same person, but the dynamic within that relationship changes as do the people.

We all age.

We all change.

Have you considered marriage counselling?

I agree with the dynamic changing. Even suggesting counselling would spook my wife and I know she can't give me what I've experienced with other women. I couldn't possibly convey that during a counselling session. "

Wow. Just wow.

Well you clearly can't trust one another.

She can't trust you to be faithful whether she realises it or not, and you don't trust her to want to fix the relationship, to not end the relationship if she discovered you were unfaithful.

You've already given up on it. Would be noble of you to let her in on that information and allow her to make an informed decision on her future.

She may feel age wise that the pair of you are in the companion stage if life. Unless you talk you'll never know, but you're writing her off.

She may well tell you to fuck off, but she may not.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ultimately only you can decide, do you want to spend the rest of your life with your wife being friends and sharing the house etc Or do you risk losing what you have now for the unknown but endless possibilities?

That is an excellent summary but add and the guilt of leaving my wife into the latter option. "

Is fear of guilt the only thing keeping you there?

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


"O.P.

I am pretty shocked at some of the replies here. Particularly the ones that claim a marriage without sex isn't a relationship.

No one can answer this Q for you. At best people can only say Yay or Nay and that response would be based on Jack Shit.

How successful are you at getting sex with other women ?

How long will you be successful for ?

Do you love THE PERSON that is your wife or is she just their to fuck ?

When you no longer appeal to other women, will you regret losing your wife for a few years more sex ?

Why did you get married in the first place?

Is it the entire marriage you don't want or would it be okay if you got regular sex within your marriage ?

How old is your wife ? She may no longer have the ability to have sex. It happens. Menopause, Vaginal Atrophy or Clitoral Atrophy.

You know, sometimes not wanting sex is about THEM. Not YOU.

Ask her what her needs are.

This doesn't mean you have no needs. It means a way must be found in which your needs are met.

Personally speaking, my late husband was more to me that a regular fuck ....

I'm more a Friends before Fucks person though .

It's more human than the shit people are sold otherwise.

Multiple fucks does not = a big brave man.

100%

Even if granny can't spell 'there'

This is utter persecution! "

D'ya know Granny..... I've been on this site blummin years and I would still love to meet you!

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By *romagefraisWoman
over a year ago

Sunderland

Don't blame people who cheat in this situation tbh. Why should one partner stay celibate for the rest of their lives just because the other one no longer wants to have sex with them? It doesn't mean they don't love eachother still or they should automatically break up because of it when there's so much more that's keeping them together.

Have you made a suggestion about having an open relationship? Are you otherwise happy in the relationship?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are you still intimate in other ways? Like kissing and cuddling and being kind to each other?

Consider if it was the other way around? What if you started to find out difficult to get an erection? How would you feel if she did what you're doing? Or would you not mind if she had sex with other men?

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"Don't blame people who cheat in this situation tbh. Why should one partner stay celibate for the rest of their lives just because the other one no longer wants to have sex with them? It doesn't mean they don't love eachother still or they should automatically break up because of it when there's so much more that's keeping them together.

Have you made a suggestion about having an open relationship? Are you otherwise happy in the relationship?"

It doesn't mean they should automatically break up, of course it doesn't. But why should it automatically mean its OK to lie and betray?

Surely it should be a gateway to open, honest and compassionate discussion at the very least.

Its very rare the first port of call is to communicate or to learn how to communicate better.

I often wonder if people who cheat actually want sex or if its a lash out because they're unable to process the feelings of rejection that come with a sexless relationship and don't know how to adapt to feeling intimacy in a different way.

Coz if it was just sex. Just the action of cock in fanny, then surely they'd go to an escort, but they don't, they want to be someone's choice.

I do understand wanting to be someone's choice, wanting to be desired. But lying to themselves by saying it's just sex is doing all involved a disjustice, and the end resolve will never happen because they're not being honest with themselves or their partner.

I think cheating is more appealing than counselling because the sex feels good, whereas counselling fucking hurts and exposes wounds and sides of us we don't even want to to see in ourselves. But, can't grow in a healthy way without learning what tools we need.

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

One of these days I would love to hear the wife’s version of events and what’s going on .

Maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age but I can guarantee not everyone of these woe is me I’m having no sex my wife don’t understand me stories are anywhere near the truth .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why are you still married?

Because he loves her and his life is perfect other than a lack of sex i'd imagine?

Do you honestly believe relationships only survive because of sex?"

The question was to the OP.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi fabbers. I've been married over 30 years. We're probably companions more than anything now. We spend a lot of time together but 5 years ago she went completely off sex, even suggesting that I went to the doctor to 'get myself sorted'. That led me to start seeing other women and experiencing passion, the feeling of being able to satisfy a woman and being wanted by someone in that way. Something I hadn't experienced in my marriage since the very early days.

I know if my wife found out I'd cheated she would want a divorce. Some of you will say 'talk to her about it'. Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response. I'm 60. I'm pretty fit and I'm frustrated. I keep contemplating wanting to give up sex but I have both an emotional and physical need for it. There is no easy solution. Question is, can one build up a resistance to wanting those experiences again with someone and are there consequences in trying to do that? Sorry for the waffle "

I am confused here.

Why would you need to goto the, Doctor. to get yourself sorted?

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By *urga2076Woman
over a year ago

London

Yes There are consequences to not getting your needs met.

I would suggest you start by asking what those needs are- are you chasing what’s called the Limerence or New relationship Energy (new) or something deeper and longer standing.

I would then ask yourself how good you are at identifying your needs, values and placing “boundaries and consequences” for getting them met (type these keywords into any podcast to listen to others talk you through how to do that).

It sounds to me that your partner doesn’t believe you will follow through on any hollow threats you may have made in the past. The lower libido partner generally rules and controls. She may not realise how bad this is for you.

I would then look into concepts of “codependency” and ask yourself why you’re still willing to accept this imbalanced situation. In the end it will likely require you to do some deep inner healing work which may be too tough.

I have a companion book to suggest you read on dead bedrooms if you’re interested just message me.

Good luck

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By *urga2076Woman
over a year ago

London


"One of these days I would love to hear the wife’s version of events and what’s going on .

Maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age but I can guarantee not everyone of these woe is me I’m having no sex my wife don’t understand me stories are anywhere near the truth ."

Agreed. It takes both of you to end up in a sexless marriage. Even if that means one person’s contribution is that they give or sacrifice their own needs too much.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

Look for what she won't give you elsewhere and don't get caught.

Or leave and find it with a clear conscience.

Intimacy is a big part of a relationship for me and I spent 30 years in a relationship with little or none.

I wished I'd have left him much sooner.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

If I went off sex I'd be happy for my partner to find it elsewhere.

Some people are selfish and don't think of how the other person feels, and it's always the woman who gets the sympathy.

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

Of course, we only have one side of the story here! And I would guess that is skewed to give him a better chance of getting the answers he wants!

It might be that he has no interest in here other than as someone for sex when he wants. He may be a climb on, cum and climb off guy! They have kids, so she is looking after them and maybe even working, we have no idea if he does anything around the house to lighten the load!

It is all well and good him telling us what he wants us to know, but I would love to hear the others side...

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

Unpopular opinion but just keep cheating

Doesn’t matter. Get what you need f she’s not giving it to you.

It sounds like you 2 have something not worth chucking away so you can enter back into the dreaded dating pool at 60.

Get yours

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham


"“Get myself sorted” makes me think that your wife thinks you are depressed, and that’s why she doesn’t want to fuck you.

Is she happy, and is she happy being married to you? If not, try counselling. If yes, you nave choices to make.

No, she wanted me to get medication to reduce my libido. She is happy being married to me. "

In that case, fuck that shit and leave. Incompatible sex drives are a thing, but trying to change someone else’s body is just plain wrong.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi fabbers. I've been married over 30 years. We're probably companions more than anything now. We spend a lot of time together but 5 years ago she went completely off sex, even suggesting that I went to the doctor to 'get myself sorted'. That led me to start seeing other women and experiencing passion, the feeling of being able to satisfy a woman and being wanted by someone in that way. Something I hadn't experienced in my marriage since the very early days.

I know if my wife found out I'd cheated she would want a divorce. Some of you will say 'talk to her about it'. Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response. I'm 60. I'm pretty fit and I'm frustrated. I keep contemplating wanting to give up sex but I have both an emotional and physical need for it. There is no easy solution. Question is, can one build up a resistance to wanting those experiences again with someone and are there consequences in trying to do that? Sorry for the waffle

What did she mean when she said for you to get yourself sorted?..?

That could be anything from her expecting you to be sterilised in some way to something completely different e.g dealing with mental health, getting help with an addiction or even working on other parts of your relationship to make her feel sexy and wanted.

Hard to answer unless you clarify this OP

KJ

She refused to go to the doctor with me to see what could be done. She wanted me to. Go on my own to find ways of reducing my libido so that not having sex would no longer be an issue. "

I had the exact same situation. This is extreme passive aggressive behaviour and relies on her having an external locus of control. She does not want to deal with the difficult task of considering something about her is causing the issue or that she may be able to affect it. Instead, she's shifted the blame outside of her control - I'd put money on her saying that her lack of sex drive is caused by something that's irreversible and beyond her ability to change. This conveniently frees her from guilt, means she doesn't have to do anything and puts all the onus for any change onto you.

It is socially unacceptable to cheat in a marriage, it is unacceptable to use manipulative behavoir, to gaslight your partner yet when it comes to sex it seems to be something that's considered normal for women to do. Anyone saying you're not being gaslit should ask themselves if it's normal to tell your husband that he should get medication to remove his libido in preference to you both speaking to a doctor together.

And this is the problem with all the comments that are telling you that you need to choose between your wife and sex. These entirely miss the point. The choice is to choose whether or not to stay in a marriage where your feelings are not irrelevant to your wife. If she truly loved you, cared about making you happy, she would be working with you to find a solution. The like it or lump it approach is demeaning, disrespectful and (from personal experience) deeply and permanently damaging.

I am not saying she should somehow 'sort herself out' that may well not be possible. What I am saying is she should recognise that the change is in her and therefore there is an onus on her to at least try to work on finding a solution. I could happily have lived with my wife without sex if she had understood I still had a drive, still wanted to be intimate (but bit necessarily sexual) and still made me feel like I was her husband, not her dad. She would say she didn't mind me masturbating but in reality if I tried to do it with her there then she would make it clear she wasn't happy (always helped the libido that) or if I did it alone it was described in negative ways like 'sneaking off for a wank'. Even watching porn was not right as I was lusting after other women when I should fancy her.

The upshot is this is a damaging, abusive, and controlling way to behave. Personally, looking back I regret not challenging her behaviour earlier but when I did, and after days of what were just about our first arguments in 16 years, she chose to refuse counselling even knowing that would result in me walking away. The choice isn't one you need to make between her and sex, it's one she needs to make between no you or no effort.

Mr

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By *appyfazer600 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chippenham

Thank you all again for your responses on here. Some very thoughtful replies. It's not easy either way and it's not just about having sex. It's much more than that for me. Take care folks and have fun.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi fabbers. I've been married over 30 years. We're probably companions more than anything now. We spend a lot of time together but 5 years ago she went completely off sex, even suggesting that I went to the doctor to 'get myself sorted'. That led me to start seeing other women and experiencing passion, the feeling of being able to satisfy a woman and being wanted by someone in that way. Something I hadn't experienced in my marriage since the very early days.

I know if my wife found out I'd cheated she would want a divorce. Some of you will say 'talk to her about it'. Even raising the subject will result in 'well if you're not happy with me you know what to do' response. I'm 60. I'm pretty fit and I'm frustrated. I keep contemplating wanting to give up sex but I have both an emotional and physical need for it. There is no easy solution. Question is, can one build up a resistance to wanting those experiences again with someone and are there consequences in trying to do that? Sorry for the waffle "

You want the best of both worlds and have had years to sort it. I got out of a relationship when our needs no longer matched, you should have done the same. Lack of communication like so many of both sexes on here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How feasible is a trial separation? After 30 years, it may be almost impossible to imagine life without one another, much like a lifelong habit. Perhaps you can spend 6 months apart and see where that leads.

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By *inkyEssexGuyMan
over a year ago

southend

I can’t help but think this question is pointless.

You clearly have no respect and love for your wife and you have destroyed your marriage.

All because she won’t touch your junk.

You might be the issue here and not her.

Your a cheater!!! Selfish and disrespectful.

You need to man up, come clean, pack your bags and let your wife have a happy life without you being a sex pest !

Sorry I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.

And I’m speaking completely objectively as obviously I don’t know you , so I’m not personally attacking you, just attacking what you have said .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I can’t help but think this question is pointless.

You clearly have no respect and love for your wife and you have destroyed your marriage.

All because she won’t touch your junk.

You might be the issue here and not her.

Your a cheater!!! Selfish and disrespectful.

You need to man up, come clean, pack your bags and let your wife have a happy life without you being a sex pest !

Sorry I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.

And I’m speaking completely objectively as obviously I don’t know you , so I’m not personally attacking you, just attacking what you have said .

"

The mere fact that you boil it down to "all because she won’t touch your junk", shows what little understanding you have of what the OP is trying to vocalise, hence your judgement on his behaviour.

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By *iking_WitchWoman
over a year ago

Hinckley

I don't think you really need to have a biology lesson but quite often women reach an age where they don't feel sexual anymore.

You need to have a conversation. If you truly love her, love spending your time together, love the life you've had and the future together then be decent with her and tell her what you chose to do. Ie do not blame her for your infidelity. I'd you don't then for the sanity of both of you divorce and move on.

I have a wonderful marriage, my husband isn't particularly highly sexual,it's fluid. So I have an open marriage. I get to fuck hot women, men, couples and then go home and be loved and snuggled and cooked for. Living the dream. But that didn't happen without a lot of honest conversations.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Speak to your wife. There, I said it ….. and I stand by it.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

A relationship is a union between 2 people. Out of all things, the people can't not communicate about themselves and their relationship. It's a priority and every waking moment should be spent communicating between you, when there are issues. We have to agree to do this, otherwise the relationship is a fiction.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

[Removed by poster at 15/07/22 10:47:16]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The only thing that isn’t a solution to all of this is cheating.

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By *hebfg2020Man
over a year ago

Doncaster

One life my friend … go do what makes you happy … coz I’ve n time you will look back and regret that you didn’t

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By *ifunlover69Man
over a year ago

Exeter

I wish I had the answers. It's way more complex than some here make it sound. I hope you can find a solution that works for both of you. I guess talking about the problem again has to be the start. Good luck.

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By *inkyEssexGuyMan
over a year ago

southend


"I can’t help but think this question is pointless.

You clearly have no respect and love for your wife and you have destroyed your marriage.

All because she won’t touch your junk.

You might be the issue here and not her.

Your a cheater!!! Selfish and disrespectful.

You need to man up, come clean, pack your bags and let your wife have a happy life without you being a sex pest !

Sorry I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.

And I’m speaking completely objectively as obviously I don’t know you , so I’m not personally attacking you, just attacking what you have said .

The mere fact that you boil it down to "all because she won’t touch your junk", shows what little understanding you have of what the OP is trying to vocalise, hence your judgement on his behaviour."

Yeah ok so maybe I got out the wrong side of bed this morning.

But the OP literally did say ‘ I’m cheating on my wife because she won’t have sex with me”

He didn’t go into detail about the whole “go get fixed” thing but I think it just rubbed me up the wrong way the fact all of this seems to be pinned on the wife.

I think there is a reason she won’t have sex with him and I’d hedge my bets that the cheating came first. Speaking from experience I’ve been in the wife’s shoes and being dumped and cheated on just because you don’t feel like having sex is not fun

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

https://youtu.be/QRpV9K11K3M

Have a listen to this

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By *appyfazer600 OP   Man
over a year ago

Chippenham


"I can’t help but think this question is pointless.

You clearly have no respect and love for your wife and you have destroyed your marriage.

All because she won’t touch your junk.

You might be the issue here and not her.

Your a cheater!!! Selfish and disrespectful.

You need to man up, come clean, pack your bags and let your wife have a happy life without you being a sex pest !

Sorry I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.

And I’m speaking completely objectively as obviously I don’t know you , so I’m not personally attacking you, just attacking what you have said .

The mere fact that you boil it down to "all because she won’t touch your junk", shows what little understanding you have of what the OP is trying to vocalise, hence your judgement on his behaviour.

Yeah ok so maybe I got out the wrong side of bed this morning.

But the OP literally did say ‘ I’m cheating on my wife because she won’t have sex with me”

He didn’t go into detail about the whole “go get fixed” thing but I think it just rubbed me up the wrong way the fact all of this seems to be pinned on the wife.

I think there is a reason she won’t have sex with him and I’d hedge my bets that the cheating came first. Speaking from experience I’ve been in the wife’s shoes and being dumped and cheated on just because you don’t feel like having sex is not fun"

Actually, when my wife told me she'd lost her libido and didn't want to have sex or masturbate even and that I should go and get myself fixed that was the point in time I started looking for something outside of the marriage. That was after being married for 28 years.

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