FabSwingers.com forum: What a dickhead!

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

You'll like this.

This morning I did my usual work routine. Shower, hair, make up and all that bollocks. Last things I do are iron my uniform, get dressed and brush my teeth.

In the "dressing room" (ha! Spare room with all the laundry and ironing board) I plug the iron in to iron my apron amd shirt.

Ain't walking all the way round the ironing board, fuck that, step over the cord like I do every time innit.

But I didn’t.

The cunting thing went in between my 3rd and 4th toe! I'm flailing my leg whilst falling to try to get free from the now hot iron that's holding me hostage. Cunt falls off the ironing board which releases the tension allowing me to splat on the floor like a falling tree.

Ain't normal wire on an iron is it, so now I've got fucking rope burn between my toes.

And to add insult to injury (literally) I did a 12 hour shift today (just got home) which totalled 9 n half cunting miles walking round n round the sodding restaurant

What a fucking dickhead

What totally avoidable injuries have you sustained lately folks? I can't be the only absolute spanner who apparently walks with her toes spread eagled and ready to lock onto all which comes her way!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Would you like me to kiss your toes better, Peach?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh PP, this shouldn't have made me laugh but it did.

I probably shouldn't say this but I have avoided injury for some time now. About the most embarrassing thing is dropping my phone on my face

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By *ighty_tightyMan
over a year ago

Norfolk/Suffolk

A bollocks, two fucks and three cunts.

Impressive!

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By *irtydevil666Man
over a year ago

bristol

.... apologies I should not laugh really......

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire

Awe bless ya Hun x

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Never iron your bollocks..it's going to end in tears

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ouch! Hope you're okay!

I rowed til my legs went numb tonight and then fell over the cunting rowing machine when trying to get off. Scraped my entire leg against the metal, which made the burpees that followed even less fun than normal

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By *ampWithABrainWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

Geez hope you’re not in too much pain! I once dropped a frying pan as I was taking it off the hob, did I do the sensible thing and let it fall? Nope I tried to catch the bastard hot oil surface right on palm!

Stung like a bitch for over a week!!!

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

My iron related unjuries, usually involve burns from a hot iron. Either reaching over it, or tryibg to grab it as it falls and burn my arm or hand.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Would you like me to kiss your toes better, Peach?"

You off yer tits Jethro?

They're like little chipolatas with trenchfoot. I'm scared to take my sock off I can't deny it. Hurts all the way up to my foot bend. Ankle. That's him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a paper cut. Little finger and I use that one a lot. No plasters so I rushed outside, waved down a passing ambulance. Some lazy bastard was having a lie down in the back so while I was trying to get him out so I could find a waterproof plaster I banged my knee in the trolley. Nightmare.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

I'm always walking in to the dishwasher door when it's down.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Oh PP, this shouldn't have made me laugh but it did.

I probably shouldn't say this but I have avoided injury for some time now. About the most embarrassing thing is dropping my phone on my face

Mr"

I'd have pissed myself if I'd have seen it, laughing is fair game!

Cor, the phone face catches ya right off guard doesn't it.

Fingers crossed your first aid kit remains sealed for the foreseeable

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"A bollocks, two fucks and three cunts.

Impressive!"

I thought I'd better tone it down for the faint hearted. Yaaaay, success!

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

.... apologies I should not laugh really......

Where's Jeremy Fucking Beadle when ya need him eh? He wasn't Beadling about when I needed him. Coulda got myself 250 bastard quid!

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By *iromancergirl1Woman
over a year ago

bolton

Nothing to recent but about 3 years ago I stopped down backwards of a plastic stool in my kitchen and straight on to the sharp edge of a plastic pasting table and sliced all the side of my foot open and had to have 8 stitches.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Awe bless ya Hun x "

It felled me.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Never iron your bollocks..it's going to end in tears

I don't plan to, but I'll heed the warning. Other peoples though, they're fair game.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Ouch! Hope you're okay!

Fuck that on all counts. Ouch

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By *lynJMan
over a year ago

Morden

Walked into the end of a tree branch in the garden.

I'd bent down, but not quite far enough enough and effectively dragged the pruned end of the branch across my head. There was much swearing when it happened.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Geez hope you’re not in too much pain! I once dropped a frying pan as I was taking it off the hob, did I do the sensible thing and let it fall? Nope I tried to catch the bastard hot oil surface right on palm!

Stung like a bitch for over a week!!!"

Natural bloody reaction ain't it. Your brain is going "nooooooo" but your body goes into autopilot

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"My iron related unjuries, usually involve burns from a hot iron. Either reaching over it, or tryibg to grab it as it falls and burn my arm or hand."

Same with me and hair straighteners. Wanker things

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I had a paper cut. Little finger and I use that one a lot. No plasters so I rushed outside, waved down a passing ambulance. Some lazy bastard was having a lie down in the back so while I was trying to get him out so I could find a waterproof plaster I banged my knee in the trolley. Nightmare. "

How rude of him.

I hope you sued

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I'm always walking in to the dishwasher door when it's down."

Laying in wait for you. What a cunt.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Nothing to recent but about 3 years ago I stopped down backwards of a plastic stool in my kitchen and straight on to the sharp edge of a plastic pasting table and sliced all the side of my foot open and had to have 8 stitches."

If my foot could have shrunk up inside my body like man balls do, it would have reading that. Fuuuuuuuuck that.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Walked into the end of a tree branch in the garden.

I'd bent down, but not quite far enough enough and effectively dragged the pruned end of the branch across my head. There was much swearing when it happened. "

Man, I do that shit at work but with the backs of chairs. Don't give myself enough clearance and crack, nut the fucker coz I'm focusing on whatever it is I'm bending down to pick up.

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By *lynJMan
over a year ago

Morden

"Walked into the end of a tree branch in the garden.

I'd bent down, but not quite far enough enough and effectively dragged the pruned end of the branch across my head. There was much swearing when it happened.

Man, I do that shit at work but with the backs of chairs. Don't give myself enough clearance and crack, nut the fucker coz I'm focusing on whatever it is I'm bending down to pick up."

I blame the leaves. The branch hid behind them.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Walked into the end of a tree branch in the garden.

I'd bent down, but not quite far enough enough and effectively dragged the pruned end of the branch across my head. There was much swearing when it happened.

Man, I do that shit at work but with the backs of chairs. Don't give myself enough clearance and crack, nut the fucker coz I'm focusing on whatever it is I'm bending down to pick up.

I blame the leaves. The branch hid behind them."

Kill it, kill it with fire

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"A bollocks, two fucks and three cunts.

Impressive!"

I think you'll find two were cuntings. Subtle differences

PP, does injuring myself falling out of my wheelchair while doing something stupid, like descending mega steep hills, count?!

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By *ainbow_RoadWoman
over a year ago

Brighton

So, let me preface this by saying that I'm not normally accident prone... but in the last 5 days I have smashed my head into a door frame, sliced my finger cleaning up a broken bowl, poured most of a boiling kettle down my leg and today I have opened up my knee on a flight case catch (a sticky outy, hooky shaped but of sharp metal) and its been bleeding everywhere all day

Like I say though, I'm not normally accident prone...

This isn't counting the bastard horsefly bites either

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"A bollocks, two fucks and three cunts.

Impressive!

I think you'll find two were cuntings. Subtle differences

PP, does injuring myself falling out of my wheelchair while doing something stupid, like descending mega steep hills, count?!

Only if you weren't wearing a parachute. *nods convincingly*

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By *lynJMan
over a year ago

Morden

"Walked into the end of a tree branch in the garden.

I'd bent down, but not quite far enough enough and effectively dragged the pruned end of the branch across my head. There was much swearing when it happened.

Man, I do that shit at work but with the backs of chairs. Don't give myself enough clearance and crack, nut the fucker coz I'm focusing on whatever it is I'm bending down to pick up.

I blame the leaves. The branch hid behind them.

Kill it, kill it with fire

I would but it's a pear tree and I'll use the pears to make cider.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"So, let me preface this by saying that I'm not normally accident prone... but in the last 5 days I have smashed my head into a door frame, sliced my finger cleaning up a broken bowl, poured most of a boiling kettle down my leg and today I have opened up my knee on a flight case catch (a sticky outy, hooky shaped but of sharp metal) and its been bleeding everywhere all day

Like I say though, I'm not normally accident prone...

This isn't counting the bastard horsefly bites either"

5 days. Yep, that's quite something. Have you considered a carer or whether your inanimate objects have some hocus pocus going on?

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"A bollocks, two fucks and three cunts.

Impressive!

I think you'll find two were cuntings. Subtle differences

PP, does injuring myself falling out of my wheelchair while doing something stupid, like descending mega steep hills, count?!

Only if you weren't wearing a parachute. *nods convincingly*"

I'd left my parachute in the wash pile

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"A bollocks, two fucks and three cunts.

Impressive!

I think you'll find two were cuntings. Subtle differences

PP, does injuring myself falling out of my wheelchair while doing something stupid, like descending mega steep hills, count?!

Only if you weren't wearing a parachute. *nods convincingly*

I'd left my parachute in the wash pile

What a fucking dickhead!

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By *haron StonerTV/TS
over a year ago

Haywards Heath

I had an engine hanging on a chain in the garage. Something pissed me off and I went storming into the garage straight into that engine with my forehead.

Of course that skins thin and it split bleeding like attilia the cunt.

I come out I'm staggering around talking shit and everyone thinks of been bloody attacked. Wasn't til about ten minutes later the bells stopped ringing as able to tell them.

Laughed so hard the uncaring bastards, they made my sore head even more painful.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I had an engine hanging on a chain in the garage. Something pissed me off and I went storming into the garage straight into that engine with my forehead.

Of course that skins thin and it split bleeding like attilia the cunt.

I come out I'm staggering around talking shit and everyone thinks of been bloody attacked. Wasn't til about ten minutes later the bells stopped ringing as able to tell them.

Laughed so hard the uncaring bastards, they made my sore head even more painful.

Ooooft that's a corker.

Although all I can hear in my ears imagination is the engine giving it "See you Jimmy" before it nutted ya.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

I have removed my sock to peep at the black n blue trotter on the roof of my foot. Yes I'm calling it the roof.

It's not black n blue at all. I feel robbed.

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By *lynJMan
over a year ago

Morden

"I have removed my sock to peep at the black n blue trotter on the roof of my foot. Yes I'm calling it the roof.

It's not black n blue at all. I feel robbed. "

Put some black and blue makeup on it and pretend.

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By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I have removed my sock to peep at the black n blue trotter on the roof of my foot. Yes I'm calling it the roof.

It's not black n blue at all. I feel robbed.

Put some black and blue makeup on it and pretend.

I'm no Amber Heard wannabe! Pffffft. I'll have to settle for the swelling and just not wash it. That way it'll go green one way or another, either mould or bruisey.

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By *ampWithABrainWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

Stung like a bitch for over a week!!!

Natural bloody reaction ain't it. Your brain is going "nooooooo" but your body goes into autopilot

Totally auto response my body is Fucking stupid at times that’s not even close to the worst things I’ve done total bloody klutz n getting worse!!

Most of my scars are from sheer bloody idiocy inc a dented skull - I shit not

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By *ampWithABrainWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

Plenty of these making me wince and I used to work in nhs! Worst ones are degloving injuries - do not look up if you’re remotely averse to wince inducing gore!

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By *eroLondonMan
over a year ago

Mayfair

Is this another one of your fantasies, Peåch? - The Iron, The Witch and the Wardrobe?

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By *ustyMilfxxxCouple
over a year ago

Swansea

I just got kicked in the eye by my dog!

It was a full on thumper kick.

Tbh I should have been annoying her :/

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By *eneralKenobiMan
over a year ago

North Angus

I’d say the usual stubbed toe but the most recent one, I was bollock naked heading to the shower and was left on my back gripping my foot with my own testicles a little too close to my face thinking “if this is how I go I feel sorry for the paramedics”

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

I’ve managed to remove the skin from the end of my big toe. Walking back to our room at Chams on Monday night I tripped up a step and deftly skinned myself leaving a trail of my DNA everywhere.

I guess it makes a change from the usual head injuries

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was trying to help a friend out, by lending them my jump leads, only the jump leads were caught on my bike on a wall hanger. Released the jump leads, but also released the bike......straight down onto my wrist. Bloody painful and couldn't swear because 9 year old was 'helping' me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I stripped the outer layer from some electrical carline with a kitchen knife. I also stripped the outer layer of skin from my finger. Was definitely worth not losing the time and money to find the cable stripper tho...

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By *uncherUKMan
over a year ago

Woodford

Was ironing while d*unk once, phone went, burned my ear

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You’ve got such a way with words

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

I am forever spliting my big toe nails on table, chairs, bed..you name it. I wear indoor 'flip flops' or slippers in winter which helps.

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

What totally avoidable injuries have you sustained lately folks? I can't be the only absolute spanner who apparently walks with her toes spread eagled and ready to lock onto all which comes her way!"

Many of my most stupid were years ago, but the one most similar to yours was when i got out of the shower as a kid, started getting dried off and dropped my towel- without thinking i bent down to pick it back up...totally forgetting about the red hot towel rail behind me, perfectly positioned to wrap either ass cheek round the shiny chrome upright furnace. It all happened in an instant but the pain from the burn lasted a hell of a lot longer

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By *inkylipsWoman
over a year ago

Debauchery

In the days I had child gates I decided to be lazy and climb over it instead of just opening it. Well big mistake that was as I go to put my first leg over I catch it on the gate and lose my balance. The whole gate moves and I fall forward and smash my face into a metal bed frame.

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By *hoirCouple
over a year ago

Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds

Stung like a bitch for over a week!!!"

I do this a lot as well. I took something straight out of the oven the other week with my hands... That was something...

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By *lynJMan
over a year ago

Morden

"Walked into the end of a tree branch in the garden.

I'd bent down, but not quite far enough enough and effectively dragged the pruned end of the branch across my head. There was much swearing when it happened.

Man, I do that shit at work but with the backs of chairs. Don't give myself enough clearance and crack, nut the fucker coz I'm focusing on whatever it is I'm bending down to pick up.

I blame the leaves. The branch hid behind them.

Kill it, kill it with fire

I noticed today that I have a lovely scratch above my left temple - almost looks like I've had brain surgery

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Had a go at chopping my left hands thumb off with a rather sharp mini axe whilst creating kindling. I'd have been a bit more accepting of my fate had it been one of the numerous times I've been under the influence whilst wielding a sharp and heavy implement but no - stoney and cold sober.

The claret art was quite impressive - who knew that skin was so good at keeping blood in?

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