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Oh how badly our parents fuck us up

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

After my last training session I made a mental note to myself that I should start wearing smaller tops. My baggy t-shirt kept getting caught under the seat of the rower so I felt it was time to put aesthetics aside in favour of safety.

Tonight I chose a smaller top, one that I would usually wear with jeans when I'm not doing lifts and exercises that require lifting my arms so there's no danger of riding up and exposing my belly. I didn't even make it out of my room before going back to my old top, and comfort.

Then I got to thinking that that's actually really sad. It's not as if people don't know I'm fat. Like, they have eyes. I'm there to try and fix that problem. I see plenty of other ladies there who wear clothing that sits tight on their beautiful curves, and I've never given that a second thought so why do I feel like people will for me?

Then I started thinking back to my childhood on my drive over. Countless times of trying to leave the house in clothes that my mother berated me for until I changed. Not because they were too revealing on the legs or bosom. Because you could see my fat. The outlines of my rolls. My gross thighs. If I had skinny thighs and a flat stomach she would have had no problem with me going out in a bra and a miniskirt, I swear. My response? Eating a fucking multipack of KitKats alone in my room.

Then as an adult, being told no one would ever want me by my parents (to be fair, they were right). Still being bodyshamed on my clothing choices, and being made fun of "not caring about their opinions", as if I'm just a stubborn little kid. But I do care. Which is why I hide my body away. If I truly didn't care, I would wear what I've actually always wanted to wear. I wouldn't burst into tears in my birthday dress because my mum gasped and shook her head when she saw my knees. Even today, when modeling a new pair of heels for her, her first comment was "ooh they're so nice, they make your feet look way slimmer". As if that's the only thing that should matter.

And the sickest part is I'm still asking for her opinion. Still trying to get the approval that I will probably never get. And I'll most likely never give up, even if it means I might get stuck in a rowing machine.

PSA: Be nice to your kids.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I fucked myself up no help required

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

When you keep criticising your kids they don't stop loving you..... they stop loving themselves.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

This made me so sad to read. Not sure what to say. There’s probably nothing I can say. I hope you overcome these feelings.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can relate to all of this unfortunately…my parents have always disliked me being fat. I’m at the stage in my life where I truly don’t care anymore; it’s my body, I live in it, and what I wear and do with it is my choice: but their words still impact me. I developed an eating disorder and other mental illnesses that will never be cured from my parents behaviour as I was growing up.

So yes, definitely be kind to your kids

Sending you hugs

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

w

Remember being really young and my dad telling me and my sisters how expensive we are and how much he wished he hadn’t had us so he could afford nice stuff.

Not in a mean way either, just very matter of fact

And they’re shocked when I say I don’t think I ever want kids

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

"When you keep criticising your kids they don't stop loving you..... they stop loving themselves. "

So true!

OP you are an intelligent and lovely woman. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Remember being really young and my dad telling me and my sisters how expensive we are and how much he wished he hadn’t had us so he could afford nice stuff.

Not in a mean way either, just very matter of fact

And they’re shocked when I say I don’t think I ever want kids "

Yep. I remember feeling a burden because of my "cost"

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

I guess my parents comments were justified years ago as I was an awful teen especially next to my perfect older brother and sister. Nowadays I am OK but my mother constantly moans at everything i do and wear. I have learnt to live with this as know she would be lost without me and its just her way.

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By *idnight RamblerMan
over a year ago

Pershore

Cue Philip Larkin ..........

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By *heNerdyFembyWoman
over a year ago

Eastbourne (she/they)

An unsupportive parent is an unfit parent not worthy of the title.

Timber: from everything I have seen in the forums you are amazing, this prolly wont sink in from me, but hopefully it will collect with other snowdrops and eventually cause that avalanche 3

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a dad and grandad to eight as above user said not very much anyone can say the sins of our parents was in home since three mother had heart attack so father was alcoholic and waster I never put any pressure on my daughters and gran kids I was dragged through a succession of children’s homes and went in to lodgings at 16 tried to bring my kids up with sense of respect

You are a beautiful person inside and out and don’t let anyone tell you any different I know this is sex site but be happy with who you are a beautiful lady beautiful person

Love to you and best wishes moving forward

Only way to go is forward not backwards x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can 100% relate to this…

My parents rarely did positive praise.. and on the odd occasion they did it was always followed up with a negative..

Got a b on a test.. always just imagine what you could have got if you tried harder.

New job… great.. followed up by don’t fuck it up etc…

Never said they loved me or that I looked great but happy to comment if I’d put on weight!

The need to please and get approval has been a huge thing in my adult life.

However I have slowly learnt to celebrate myself and my achievements.. and I try not to let them get to me.

I have made a concerted effort to parent v differently and v much in a positive way and my god when they try that shit on with my kids they get a mouthful from me & they are starting to listen!

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By *hompyMan
over a year ago

sheffield

You look great. Thanks for sharing

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

With some of the comments just from people on here I'm not surprised overweight people have issues.

I don't give a fuck myself; I've been slim, average, curvy, voluptuous, overweight and now obese, and I don't care what people think of me.

Wear what makes you comfortable and pretend there's no one else in the gym.

You need to develop an "I'm better than anyone who judges me for my weight" attitude.

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By *hompyMan
over a year ago

sheffield

[Removed by poster at 23/06/22 21:02:10]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP there's so much I can relate to in what you have shared. I almost wrote a long account about my own upbringing but I hope you don't mind that I deleted it all because I didn't want to relive those memories.

Instead I wanted to let you know that I understand...I truly understand.

So next time you go training wear whichever top you want to wear, your curves are there and it's your body to own. But next time smile for yourself as much as you do for others

NBVN x

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By *hompyMan
over a year ago

sheffield

Well said

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And the sickest part is I'm still asking for her opinion. Still trying to get the approval that I will probably never get. And I'll most likely never give up, even if it means I might get stuck in a rowing machine.

This is the part that hit me the most though it's the dad for me, I spent my life seeking his approval and as you say not sure will ever get

I try and temper it by saying he means well

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By *RANDMRSJAECouple
over a year ago

chester

Omg this I can relate to so much!!!

I was never a big child either! My mum used to do this look as though she was sucking a lemon! Oooo, don’t think you should wear that! Definitely nothing above the knee!!

Generally disapproved of almost everything I wore!

No wonder I got a complex

Thankfully, I realised that she was wrong & just overly bloody fussy !!

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By *ervent X KissMan
over a year ago

Portsmouth

"I can 100% relate to this…

My parents rarely did positive praise.. and on the odd occasion they did it was always followed up with a negative..

Got a b on a test.. always just imagine what you could have got if you tried harder.

You look totally amazing

New job… great.. followed up by don’t fuck it up etc…

Never said they loved me or that I looked great but happy to comment if I’d put on weight!

The need to please and get approval has been a huge thing in my adult life.

However I have slowly learnt to celebrate myself and my achievements.. and I try not to let them get to me.

I have made a concerted effort to parent v differently and v much in a positive way and my god when they try that shit on with my kids they get a mouthful from me & they are starting to listen!"

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By *inkyInkedBiWoman
over a year ago

.

I’m sorry to read this op

My dad doesn’t engage his brain before he speaks. Few weeks back he told me I’d put on weight. Always great to be told

Mum said something to him and he said well she has!

Ended up in tears on the way home

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By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

I'm sorry to hear that OP. Habits formed by our parents can be the toughest to break as we always thought they would have our best interests growing up when that's not always the case.

Of you're feeling brave enough, wear that short top once and hopefully you'll find it'll be easier from there and pay no mind to what your Mum says.

I love my Dad and he came from a poor background growing up himself and because of that, I think he finds it hard to have emapthy for other people's struggles now he has got to a better position. This makes it really hard to open up to him with his expectations being that people should always be happy and grateful for what they have. It's great perspective, but not always what you need if you're feeling a bit shit and it's something I find I can do as well

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By *ighty_tightyMan
over a year ago

Norfolk/Suffolk

My parents were ace. Never negative really.

I'm very similar.

The ex constantly belittled me. Her parents did swing from praise and negativity in a flash. I'm guessing that's were she got it from

I can only hope she doesn't do the same to our daughter.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When you keep criticising your kids they don't stop loving you..... they stop loving themselves. "

This is so true and so, so sad.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"An unsupportive parent is an unfit parent not worthy of the title.

Timber: from everything I have seen in the forums you are amazing, this prolly wont sink in from me, but hopefully it will collect with other snowdrops and eventually cause that avalanche 3"

Thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, not nice

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"With some of the comments just from people on here I'm not surprised overweight people have issues.

I don't give a fuck myself; I've been slim, average, curvy, voluptuous, overweight and now obese, and I don't care what people think of me.

Wear what makes you comfortable and pretend there's no one else in the gym.

You need to develop an "I'm better than anyone who judges me for my weight" attitude.

"

The thing is I know no one at my gym judges me. At my old gym they did (I heard some people comment) but this place is so supportive and great and everyone treats me as one of the pack. They never even assume I won't be able to do a certain exercise unless I specifically ask them to scale down. It's my own head that's been warped into thinking it's not okay.

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By *eldomVanillaMan
over a year ago

London

[Removed by poster at 23/06/22 21:33:07]

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"OP there's so much I can relate to in what you have shared. I almost wrote a long account about my own upbringing but I hope you don't mind that I deleted it all because I didn't want to relive those memories.

Instead I wanted to let you know that I understand...I truly understand.

So next time you go training wear whichever top you want to wear, your curves are there and it's your body to own. But next time smile for yourself as much as you do for others

NBVN x"

Thank you so much, honestly I just appreciate that you took the time to post anything xx

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By *heNerdyFembyWoman
over a year ago

Eastbourne (she/they)

"With some of the comments just from people on here I'm not surprised overweight people have issues.

I don't give a fuck myself; I've been slim, average, curvy, voluptuous, overweight and now obese, and I don't care what people think of me.

Wear what makes you comfortable and pretend there's no one else in the gym.

You need to develop an "I'm better than anyone who judges me for my weight" attitude.

The thing is I know no one at my gym judges me. At my old gym they did (I heard some people comment) but this place is so supportive and great and everyone treats me as one of the pack. They never even assume I won't be able to do a certain exercise unless I specifically ask them to scale down. It's my own head that's been warped into thinking it's not okay. "

That is the thing, our anxieties are not rational. I have found accepting that is a good step towards fighting them!

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By *eldomVanillaMan
over a year ago

London

"After my last training session I made a mental note to myself that I should start wearing smaller tops. My baggy t-shirt kept getting caught under the seat of the rower so I felt it was time to put aesthetics aside in favour of safety.

Tonight I chose a smaller top, one that I would usually wear with jeans when I'm not doing lifts and exercises that require lifting my arms so there's no danger of riding up and exposing my belly. I didn't even make it out of my room before going back to my old top, and comfort.

Then I got to thinking that that's actually really sad. It's not as if people don't know I'm fat. Like, they have eyes. I'm there to try and fix that problem. I see plenty of other ladies there who wear clothing that sits tight on their beautiful curves, and I've never given that a second thought so why do I feel like people will for me?

Then I started thinking back to my childhood on my drive over. Countless times of trying to leave the house in clothes that my mother berated me for until I changed. Not because they were too revealing on the legs or bosom. Because you could see my fat. The outlines of my rolls. My gross thighs. If I had skinny thighs and a flat stomach she would have had no problem with me going out in a bra and a miniskirt, I swear. My response? Eating a fucking multipack of KitKats alone in my room.

Then as an adult, being told no one would ever want me by my parents (to be fair, they were right). Still being bodyshamed on my clothing choices, and being made fun of "not caring about their opinions", as if I'm just a stubborn little kid. But I do care. Which is why I hide my body away. If I truly didn't care, I would wear what I've actually always wanted to wear. I wouldn't burst into tears in my birthday dress because my mum gasped and shook her head when she saw my knees. Even today, when modeling a new pair of heels for her, her first comment was "ooh they're so nice, they make your feet look way slimmer". As if that's the only thing that should matter.

And the sickest part is I'm still asking for her opinion. Still trying to get the approval that I will probably never get. And I'll most likely never give up, even if it means I might get stuck in a rowing machine.

PSA: Be nice to your kids. "

This reminds me of my favourite Poem by Philip Larkin. This be the Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don’t have any kids yourself

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

"When you keep criticising your kids they don't stop loving you..... they stop loving themselves. "

This is very true and the reason why I stayed in a very bad relationship. I didn't want to admit that things were bad as didn't want to cause them further disappointment.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hopefully you all know this is not my usual brand... I like to post lighthearted jokey-but-relatable threads, and I try to keep them inclusive and reply to every comment for as long as I can.

Just getting all this down into a written medium and sharing it with others was really therapeutic for me, so I hope nobody minds if I take the spotlight off me and leave the floor open for others to share their experiences around this subject in the hopes of it also maybe helping them offload a little.

If you have posted your support: I have seen it and I appreciate you taking the time to give me it

If you are sharing your own experience: I also see you, and I hope talking about it helps you in some way

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"After my last training session I made a mental note to myself that I should start wearing smaller tops. My baggy t-shirt kept getting caught under the seat of the rower so I felt it was time to put aesthetics aside in favour of safety.

Tonight I chose a smaller top, one that I would usually wear with jeans when I'm not doing lifts and exercises that require lifting my arms so there's no danger of riding up and exposing my belly. I didn't even make it out of my room before going back to my old top, and comfort.

Then I got to thinking that that's actually really sad. It's not as if people don't know I'm fat. Like, they have eyes. I'm there to try and fix that problem. I see plenty of other ladies there who wear clothing that sits tight on their beautiful curves, and I've never given that a second thought so why do I feel like people will for me?

Then I started thinking back to my childhood on my drive over. Countless times of trying to leave the house in clothes that my mother berated me for until I changed. Not because they were too revealing on the legs or bosom. Because you could see my fat. The outlines of my rolls. My gross thighs. If I had skinny thighs and a flat stomach she would have had no problem with me going out in a bra and a miniskirt, I swear. My response? Eating a fucking multipack of KitKats alone in my room.

Then as an adult, being told no one would ever want me by my parents (to be fair, they were right). Still being bodyshamed on my clothing choices, and being made fun of "not caring about their opinions", as if I'm just a stubborn little kid. But I do care. Which is why I hide my body away. If I truly didn't care, I would wear what I've actually always wanted to wear. I wouldn't burst into tears in my birthday dress because my mum gasped and shook her head when she saw my knees. Even today, when modeling a new pair of heels for her, her first comment was "ooh they're so nice, they make your feet look way slimmer". As if that's the only thing that should matter.

And the sickest part is I'm still asking for her opinion. Still trying to get the approval that I will probably never get. And I'll most likely never give up, even if it means I might get stuck in a rowing machine.

PSA: Be nice to your kids.

This reminds me of my favourite Poem by Philip Larkin. This be the Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don’t have any kids yourself"

Ohh that's what the poster above meant lol

Great poem

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

I'm so sorry OP. I also have an overly critical mother and I know the damage it can do. I keep saying I give up trying to please her but I still can't help being cut up by her disapproval. Sending hugs!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I can 100% relate to this…

My parents rarely did positive praise.. and on the odd occasion they did it was always followed up with a negative..

Got a b on a test.. always just imagine what you could have got if you tried harder.

New job… great.. followed up by don’t fuck it up etc…

Never said they loved me or that I looked great but happy to comment if I’d put on weight!

The need to please and get approval has been a huge thing in my adult life.

However I have slowly learnt to celebrate myself and my achievements.. and I try not to let them get to me.

I have made a concerted effort to parent v differently and v much in a positive way and my god when they try that shit on with my kids they get a mouthful from me & they are starting to listen!"

I have sat and listened to my mother rank my nieces - her granddaughters, aged 1 to 4 - in order of looks.

Sadly I've learned that no amount of mouthfuls will ever make her realise that's not okay. Whenever I have blown up at her before she acts contrite for a few days and then it's back to usual

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By *hompyMan
over a year ago

sheffield

Why is she so obsessed with looks and image ? That’s sad that she is like that. You look great

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My folks treat my house like a night in city centre. The bill is CRAZY

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

I've cut my mother out completely, due to her toxic behaviour. Her particular brand of criticism (among other things she does/did) was/is to criticise my home; its presentation and tidiness etc. It started with the "clean your room" thing as children, but her version of cleaning our rooms was for it to be cleaned (dusted, hoovered etc) daily and for it to be more or less sterile, I think. She hated me having posters on the wall (not tidy) and the fact I collected and displayed random trinkets on an old bookshelf.

She also expected me, from the age of about 11 to prepare and cook meals for everyone, supervise my younger brother's reading and homework after school, walk the dogs, hoover, dust, do the ironing and make packed lunches for myself and my brother. This was so she could attend university classes as a mature student, which she reminded me was so "she could get a degree before

I did." I had my son when I was 16, in a boiling hot August. On the day I gave birth (and had back pain all day), she required me to stand and do piles of ironing, for example.

Once we had our own home, she would criticise every time she visited. She'd tell me our clothes were not properly pressed, that I shouldn't allow my son to have toys out, that we didn't wash every Tony items crockery but waited for a few bits to need washing. She'd run her finger over surfaces and find any speck of dust. Before she visited, I'd be obsessed with cleaning and tidying but no matter what we did, she'd find something to criticise. Bear in mind we moved to our first flat when we were 18. I had a 2yo child and was studying at university and working, as was Mr KC. We didn't have a messy, unclean place by any means but we did also have a lot to do.

The cleaning thing is just one small facet of a horrible person. I'm far happier and relaxed without any relationship with her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mother has never been nice to me. I grew up listening to her constantly telling me not to speak to anyone and calling me stupid. I've had to put up with it my whole life and even now. Trying to tell me what to do, questioning every part of my life, questioning how much money I have. Then there's the criticism, my hair's dirty, when I know it's clean, criticising my clothes when I know what I've got on suits me perfectly fine. Telling me not to be cheeky when I speak my mind, it's not being cheeky, is called being assertive. Her negative attitude over the years has left a lot to be desired but I know it's because she's trying to drag me down to her level. It's draining but I learned a long time ago to ignore it. It's very difficult though x

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By *eldomVanillaMan
over a year ago

London

"After my last training session I made a mental note to myself that I should start wearing smaller tops. My baggy t-shirt kept getting caught under the seat of the rower so I felt it was time to put aesthetics aside in favour of safety.

Tonight I chose a smaller top, one that I would usually wear with jeans when I'm not doing lifts and exercises that require lifting my arms so there's no danger of riding up and exposing my belly. I didn't even make it out of my room before going back to my old top, and comfort.

Then I got to thinking that that's actually really sad. It's not as if people don't know I'm fat. Like, they have eyes. I'm there to try and fix that problem. I see plenty of other ladies there who wear clothing that sits tight on their beautiful curves, and I've never given that a second thought so why do I feel like people will for me?

Then I started thinking back to my childhood on my drive over. Countless times of trying to leave the house in clothes that my mother berated me for until I changed. Not because they were too revealing on the legs or bosom. Because you could see my fat. The outlines of my rolls. My gross thighs. If I had skinny thighs and a flat stomach she would have had no problem with me going out in a bra and a miniskirt, I swear. My response? Eating a fucking multipack of KitKats alone in my room.

Then as an adult, being told no one would ever want me by my parents (to be fair, they were right). Still being bodyshamed on my clothing choices, and being made fun of "not caring about their opinions", as if I'm just a stubborn little kid. But I do care. Which is why I hide my body away. If I truly didn't care, I would wear what I've actually always wanted to wear. I wouldn't burst into tears in my birthday dress because my mum gasped and shook her head when she saw my knees. Even today, when modeling a new pair of heels for her, her first comment was "ooh they're so nice, they make your feet look way slimmer". As if that's the only thing that should matter.

And the sickest part is I'm still asking for her opinion. Still trying to get the approval that I will probably never get. And I'll most likely never give up, even if it means I might get stuck in a rowing machine.

PSA: Be nice to your kids.

This reminds me of my favourite Poem by Philip Larkin. This be the Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don’t have any kids yourself

Ohh that's what the poster above meant lol

Great poem

"

Be you, that's it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can 100% relate to this…

My parents rarely did positive praise.. and on the odd occasion they did it was always followed up with a negative..

Got a b on a test.. always just imagine what you could have got if you tried harder.

New job… great.. followed up by don’t fuck it up etc…

Never said they loved me or that I looked great but happy to comment if I’d put on weight!

The need to please and get approval has been a huge thing in my adult life.

However I have slowly learnt to celebrate myself and my achievements.. and I try not to let them get to me.

I have made a concerted effort to parent v differently and v much in a positive way and my god when they try that shit on with my kids they get a mouthful from me & they are starting to listen!

I have sat and listened to my mother rank my nieces - her granddaughters, aged 1 to 4 - in order of looks.

Sadly I've learned that no amount of mouthfuls will ever make her realise that's not okay. Whenever I have blown up at her before she acts contrite for a few days and then it's back to usual

"

Oh god.. ranking grandchildren! But sadly some people don’t learn.

I still have my issues & have learnt to talk frankly with my parents now… not always easy and they don’t always listen but I do think I’m chipping away at them.

But they still deflect & do the can’t understand why you are still talking about this stuff, we can’t change the past etc just deal with it!

But they are of the post war generation life’s not fair get over it philosophy.

Btw op you look fantastic.. curves in all the right places.. celebrate you & who you are!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And the sickest part is I'm still asking for her opinion. Still trying to get the approval that I will probably never get. And I'll most likely never give up, even if it means I might get stuck in a rowing machine.

PSA: Be nice to your kids. "

Recognising this is your first step to letting go of that hope of approval from your mum.

Your next step is to begin to approve of yourself.

That is something, in time you can truly achieve.

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

I got told I was a mistake.

When my dad thought he was going to die, he begged me to give my mum a grandchild. When I told them I was pregnant I was told I was a "silly girl" and asked what I was going to do about "this baby".

I'm very careful about what I say to my son, because these things stay with us.

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

When I moved to the UK to live with my Dad I thought I had left the frying pan. Unfortunately I landed in the fire. The things I could say but I won’t. I’m keeping them all bottled inside.

Changed the dynamic by moving out and things improved a lot. And especially now with age as they need someone to do things for them they appreciate me a lot more.

My Dad try’s to buy my approbation and in his more human times he admits he throws money at me because of guilt over my life. If he actually said he loves me and is proud of me that would sit better.

But I reiterate moving out was the best choice I made.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I got told I was a mistake.

When my dad thought he was going to die, he begged me to give my mum a grandchild. When I told them I was pregnant I was told I was a "silly girl" and asked what I was going to do about "this baby".

I'm very careful about what I say to my son, because these things stay with us.

"

My Mum told me that when I was a baby she was pushing me on a swing one day (pregnant with my bro) and that her & my Dad had a discussion that they wouldn’t let us kids rule their lives!

Numerous intercontinental moves for my Dads job at awful times for me proved they stuck to their word.

The irony was when I was in a v very unhappy marriage my parents told me I had to stay in it & put the kids first!

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By *reat me rightWoman
over a year ago

Rotherham

Can totally relate

My mum is not happy (in life in general) and puts that unhappiness on me by trying to control me in ways and if I argue back I'm always in the wrong

"That makes you look fat" - no it doesn't mum, I am fat

"You should lose some weight you know" - really mum, why exactly, my body, my life, my fucking rules

"Don't swear so much" - I'll say what I want, to whom and when I want and it's fuck all to do with you

"It makes me look bad" - no mum it doesn't, you raised me, I'm all grown now and no one should be looking badly in any way upon you for anything I say and do

"People don't like you" - no shit Sherlock, I don't like most people

"You should care about what people think" - really, why??? Why should I give a fuck how anyone else sees me. The only person who's opinion on me matters (to me) is my child's, I don't set out to naff anyone off but do have a knack of so doing. Their problem with me is exactly that - their issue. I have no interest in changing any aspect of me for anyone else - take me or leave me

"Np one will ever want you" - kind of got that one figured out already moonbeam, being as I'm knocking on and have been single for the vast majority of my life.

"Give it a clout, you're too soft on it, you had a crack when you were a kid and it never hurt you" - actually mum I remember beatings (punched with fists) and I remember getting my brother out of her way on many occasions and it made me damn sure that if I ever became a mum that'd be one road I'd never venture down

I could go on, I really could. I used to tie myself in knots trying to make/keep family members happy - until one Christmas when I went out to the bins at my brothers house. My sister in law (or him) had just thrown my gifts straight in the bin unopened. They earn near on 100k each year, I'm a lone parent on benefits trying to find a job (hopefully now landed one). So, I started to say "No"

No, you don't get to tell me what to wear anymore, if I want to tie my hair back and "look a bugger" then ill tie my hair back, if I want to take Small to a concert, I'll take Small to a concert, no, I don't think 10 is too young for their first gig, no it's fuck all to do with you, yes I do listen to you (christ you peck my head enough), the fact I rarely take your "advice" is because I have my own mind, I'm not anyone's toy to control.

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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago

Newry Down

"Cue Philip Larkin .........."

Larkin actually worked as a librarian at Queen's University in Belfast, in the 1960s I think, and there is a plaque on the former library; without any reference to his perceptive poem, of course!

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By *ady CurvaceousWoman
over a year ago

Kent

My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP"

Lady! You have the most perfect hour glass figure.. your waist to delightful ass ratio is insane! Stop turning down those fit guys they would be lucky to have you! You’re gorgeous you just need to believe in you!

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By *ady CurvaceousWoman
over a year ago

Kent

"My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP

Lady! You have the most perfect hour glass figure.. your waist to delightful ass ratio is insane! Stop turning down those fit guys they would be lucky to have you! You’re gorgeous you just need to believe in you!"

Thank you x

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By *aptain Caveman41Man
over a year ago

Home

"My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP

Lady! You have the most perfect hour glass figure.. your waist to delightful ass ratio is insane! Stop turning down those fit guys they would be lucky to have you! You’re gorgeous you just need to believe in you!

Thank you x"
you are gorgeous just wow

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"After my last training session I made a mental note to myself that I should start wearing smaller tops. My baggy t-shirt kept getting caught under the seat of the rower so I felt it was time to put aesthetics aside in favour of safety.

Tonight I chose a smaller top, one that I would usually wear with jeans when I'm not doing lifts and exercises that require lifting my arms so there's no danger of riding up and exposing my belly. I didn't even make it out of my room before going back to my old top, and comfort.

Then I got to thinking that that's actually really sad. It's not as if people don't know I'm fat. Like, they have eyes. I'm there to try and fix that problem. I see plenty of other ladies there who wear clothing that sits tight on their beautiful curves, and I've never given that a second thought so why do I feel like people will for me?

Then I started thinking back to my childhood on my drive over. Countless times of trying to leave the house in clothes that my mother berated me for until I changed. Not because they were too revealing on the legs or bosom. Because you could see my fat. The outlines of my rolls. My gross thighs. If I had skinny thighs and a flat stomach she would have had no problem with me going out in a bra and a miniskirt, I swear. My response? Eating a fucking multipack of KitKats alone in my room.

Then as an adult, being told no one would ever want me by my parents (to be fair, they were right). Still being bodyshamed on my clothing choices, and being made fun of "not caring about their opinions", as if I'm just a stubborn little kid. But I do care. Which is why I hide my body away. If I truly didn't care, I would wear what I've actually always wanted to wear. I wouldn't burst into tears in my birthday dress because my mum gasped and shook her head when she saw my knees. Even today, when modeling a new pair of heels for her, her first comment was "ooh they're so nice, they make your feet look way slimmer". As if that's the only thing that should matter.

And the sickest part is I'm still asking for her opinion. Still trying to get the approval that I will probably never get. And I'll most likely never give up, even if it means I might get stuck in a rowing machine.

PSA: Be nice to your kids. "

Firstly I’d like to commend you for your bravery and honesty to share your story in such a manner and on this platform, that takes a lot of courage.

This will resonate with so many people for so many different reasons, and I can relate to the fact that our parents don’t always know best from their own limited knowledge.

Not just that but as I reflect on my own parenting skills I realise that I fall short at times too.

I think the fact that you’ve acknowledged this about your life is testament to your character and can give you a platform to make the necessary changes you need.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This made me so sad to read. Not sure what to say. There’s probably nothing I can say. I hope you overcome these feelings. "

ditto

Best wishes to OP - try pay no attention to negative comments (they are but mere words of no importance), you are in charge of your feelings...!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hopefully you all know this is not my usual brand... I like to post lighthearted jokey-but-relatable threads, and I try to keep them inclusive and reply to every comment for as long as I can.

Just getting all this down into a written medium and sharing it with others was really therapeutic for me, so I hope nobody minds if I take the spotlight off me and leave the floor open for others to share their experiences around this subject in the hopes of it also maybe helping them offload a little.

If you have posted your support: I have seen it and I appreciate you taking the time to give me it

If you are sharing your own experience: I also see you, and I hope talking about it helps you in some way

"

OP your threads are always lovely to read, I don’t usually comment because what I have to say has usually already been said. But today regardless I couldn’t just read and not comment. This thread has made me both genuinely sad, but also made me reflect on my own situation. Be your best self, be proud of who you are and walk tall and confidently whether that be in the gym or anywhere in life. You come across as such a special person, never let anyone dim that sparkle. L x

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By *ack688Man
over a year ago

abruzzo Italy (and UK)

There’s a book by Lindsay Gibson called ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents’ which you might find useful.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Narcissistic parents caused by trauma they had as a child,

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

To be honest, I've never felt like I'm a "Fucked Up" person at all. I don't know if that makes me unusual?

Cal

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By *tarflyLouWoman
over a year ago

Preston

I can relate, I’ve been over this stuff so many times in my counsellor training. I remember being out with my dad and stopping to talk to a friend of his. They remarked that I’d grown and my dad replied “yes, outwards”. Similarly I wasn’t allowed to go to ballet classes by my mum because of how I’d look in a leotard and whenever I’ve asked how I look before going out she’d reply “who’s going to be looking at you?”

I used to get so upset over all of this, but I accept now that it comes from their own issues. They’re generally kind and loving, but clearly have issues around weight. People tend to project out what’s going on inside them, it’s rarely you that’s the issue. I’ve also learned through my counselling course that our loved ones have introjected values that they put on us, these manifest as conditions of worth - or what we need to be in order to be worthy of love. In the case of you and I that thing is not being fat. Unfortunately I’m also a comfort eater so it’s a vicious circle, but I’ve also made the realisation that I started to become overweight as a five year old and I can’t help feeling that some of the responsibility for that has to come from the people who then lambasted me for it!

It’s such a painful topic and one that still has me in tears a lot. I made a comment about how I’d like a 3D printout of myself to see how much space I actually take up. I hadn’t thought much about the wording until my tutor reflected it back to me - that hit home and the meaning behind my words hurt a lot.

Sending lots of love

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It was my extended family that successfully fucked me and my sister up.

Problems that will last a lifetime.

We have since cut pretty much everyone out from out lives except each other. It's peaceful, stress free and we don't have to pretend or appease anyone.

I'm sorry your mum does what she does. Not sure if its a generational thing as it sounds like what my nan would have done. Also it may have become such a habit your mum may not be aware she is doing it x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a brother in his 50s his life is shit, drugs, alcohol, a long string of poor relationships and he still blames everything on our poor childhood.

My sister and I are happy, well balanced professionals and yet we also suffered the same child abuse and neglect.

I personally made a decision in my early twenties to own my own future and let the last go.

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By *heVonMatterhornsCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln

"But they still deflect & do the can’t understand why you are still talking about this stuff, we can’t change the past etc just deal with it!"

It makes me so mad when my mother does this.

I have absolutely no self-esteem and a lot of things and situations make me anxious and uncomfortable because of the way my dad used to belittle me. I was struggling with depression a few years back and I mentioned to my mother that my mental health is fucked up because of my dad and she basically said the above. It's in the past, why are you still blaming him? I should add that they were divorced and not talking to each other so I'm not sure why she took his side, but I stopped telling her anything about my life from then on.

K

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hey, OP, the only advice I’d give to you is this: seek your own counsel. Hold a mirror up to yourself and look at yourself. Write down a long list of good/positive and enriching things about the person you see. Their courage? Their warmth? Their compassion? Their humour? The way they inspire others? That sort of thing.

Then Imagine it’s a good friend standing there in front of you. Ask yourself: “does the fact this person has some additional layers of subcutaneous fat change ANYTHING at all about the way I am

Going to “judge” this person?”

Be kind to yourself, OP, and let go of the crutch of the past. It’s unlikely your mother will change her view of you, that’s her view to change / but I bet you can work on your view of your self.

On a final note: very few people actually care how others looks. Only the wankers point out our flaws, and their opinions holds no stock.

X

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP"

I grew up in the shadow of a perfect, beautiful sister too. When I was a teenager she unfortunately developed an eating disorder and lost a lot of weight. Within full earshot of me my mum would refer to us as "the daughter that eats too little and the daughter that eats too much".

ironically she never realised that she was a massive reason as to why I ate so damn much.

I've heard her telling my brother and sister in law that their naturally very slim daughter is "the kind of child every parent wants because she'll never have weight issues". Sometimes I just really think she wishes I was born a completely different person.

I totally get how that upbringing would affect the way you feel on here, but you shouldn't let that make you write people off before they've had a chance to prove they like you. You're beautiful

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Cue Philip Larkin .........."

I wish I had more sex?

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By *ilverjagMan
over a year ago

swansea

Well, my sympathies go out to you all, and it just underlines how lucky I've been to have such wonderful parents who backed us boy's up all the way, and guided us even when we knew that we were in the wrong. That's probably why we fight our mums corner for her now ensuring that she is treated like a queen, and gets the best of attention now that she can't do much for herself. It kinda also explains why so many women friends have said to me that they wished the they could have the relationship with their their mums that I have with mine. Best of luck to you all!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP

I grew up in the shadow of a perfect, beautiful sister too. When I was a teenager she unfortunately developed an eating disorder and lost a lot of weight. Within full earshot of me my mum would refer to us as "the daughter that eats too little and the daughter that eats too much".

ironically she never realised that she was a massive reason as to why I ate so damn much.

I've heard her telling my brother and sister in law that their naturally very slim daughter is "the kind of child every parent wants because she'll never have weight issues". Sometimes I just really think she wishes I was born a completely different person.

I totally get how that upbringing would affect the way you feel on here, but you shouldn't let that make you write people off before they've had a chance to prove they like you. You're beautiful

"

Have you ever told your mum that's she's a cunt? Xx

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

I wanted to share, because this is a subject I have a great deal of experience in.

But I just can't today, OP. I'm sorry.

All I can do is say that it is important to remember that it is up to each of us to choose the people we allow in our lives, and that blood is just blood. Sharing DNA with a person doesn't mean you have to like them, and doesn't mean you have to love them.

You'll never stop hearing the memory of what has been said and done, but you can stop things being said and done in the future. It isn't easy, but walking away is sometimes the best option.

I hope it doesn't come to that and I hope that you can one day soon find some peace from the negative.

Sending hugs beautiful

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP

I grew up in the shadow of a perfect, beautiful sister too. When I was a teenager she unfortunately developed an eating disorder and lost a lot of weight. Within full earshot of me my mum would refer to us as "the daughter that eats too little and the daughter that eats too much".

ironically she never realised that she was a massive reason as to why I ate so damn much.

I've heard her telling my brother and sister in law that their naturally very slim daughter is "the kind of child every parent wants because she'll never have weight issues". Sometimes I just really think she wishes I was born a completely different person.

I totally get how that upbringing would affect the way you feel on here, but you shouldn't let that make you write people off before they've had a chance to prove they like you. You're beautiful

Have you ever told your mum that's she's a cunt? Xx"

She's nice and loving in other ways and we have an otherwise okay relationship. I think she gets frustrated a lot because she doesn't understand why I get upset. She has also become incredibly sensitive in the past few years and cries at everything, including people being angry at her.

A lot of it is definitely projection because she has never been happy with her own weight and looks, and has had to deal with a lot of criticism herself. As a result she's hyper-focused on people's looks. Even watching TV with her is a slog... "oh that person's not very attractive, that person's hair/eyebrows/makeup is terrible". Etc etc.

My dad is the same. Comments on strangers walking past in the street in the vein of "god, women over size 16 really shouldn't be dressed like that". They're very much not from the "beauty is only skin deep" generation.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

In case anyone is interested I am wearing a dress that comes slightly above the knee today (albeit with black tights but baby steps). I saw my mother do the "I really want to say something but I don't want the headache" look but I just pretended to be in a rush so I wouldn't have to be around the negativity.

It's summer and I'm dressing for it

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP

I grew up in the shadow of a perfect, beautiful sister too. When I was a teenager she unfortunately developed an eating disorder and lost a lot of weight. Within full earshot of me my mum would refer to us as "the daughter that eats too little and the daughter that eats too much".

ironically she never realised that she was a massive reason as to why I ate so damn much.

I've heard her telling my brother and sister in law that their naturally very slim daughter is "the kind of child every parent wants because she'll never have weight issues". Sometimes I just really think she wishes I was born a completely different person.

I totally get how that upbringing would affect the way you feel on here, but you shouldn't let that make you write people off before they've had a chance to prove they like you. You're beautiful

Have you ever told your mum that's she's a cunt? Xx

She's nice and loving in other ways and we have an otherwise okay relationship. I think she gets frustrated a lot because she doesn't understand why I get upset. She has also become incredibly sensitive in the past few years and cries at everything, including people being angry at her.

A lot of it is definitely projection because she has never been happy with her own weight and looks, and has had to deal with a lot of criticism herself. As a result she's hyper-focused on people's looks. Even watching TV with her is a slog... "oh that person's not very attractive, that person's hair/eyebrows/makeup is terrible". Etc etc.

My dad is the same. Comments on strangers walking past in the street in the vein of "god, women over size 16 really shouldn't be dressed like that". They're very much not from the "beauty is only skin deep" generation. "

My dads a bit like this but he doesn’t mean it in a nasty way. He’s very very fit and healthy and I honestly think that’s why. When I say I don’t have time etc he always says things like look after yourself you’d be no good to everyone else if you’re ill etc. I argue with him but I think deep down it’s because I know he’s right. I do need to get fit, I do need to lose weight and I think it annoys me more that I know that he’s right. In some cases I think they are probably trying to do their best for us but maybe going about it the wrong way.

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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago

Nottingham

My mum was similar and I was only ever chubby. It was all about flattering clothes and colours. It's only in the last 6 years ish (with the covering of some scars too) that I wear what I want. The instinct is still to go baggy and to consider what others think, then I remember - fuck it!

My 12 y.o daughter is developing her own awsome style in the face of what is socially accepted at school and I'm proud of her.

You can't undo your past but you can try and recondition your thinking - even if it's the second thought overriding the first.

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By *iltomMan
over a year ago

swansea

"After my last training session I made a mental note to myself that I should start wearing smaller tops. My baggy t-shirt kept getting caught under the seat of the rower so I felt it was time to put aesthetics aside in favour of safety.

Tonight I chose a smaller top, one that I would usually wear with jeans when I'm not doing lifts and exercises that require lifting my arms so there's no danger of riding up and exposing my belly. I didn't even make it out of my room before going back to my old top, and comfort.

Then I got to thinking that that's actually really sad. It's not as if people don't know I'm fat. Like, they have eyes. I'm there to try and fix that problem. I see plenty of other ladies there who wear clothing that sits tight on their beautiful curves, and I've never given that a second thought so why do I feel like people will for me?

Then I started thinking back to my childhood on my drive over. Countless times of trying to leave the house in clothes that my mother berated me for until I changed. Not because they were too revealing on the legs or bosom. Because you could see my fat. The outlines of my rolls. My gross thighs. If I had skinny thighs and a flat stomach she would have had no problem with me going out in a bra and a miniskirt, I swear. My response? Eating a fucking multipack of KitKats alone in my room.

Then as an adult, being told no one would ever want me by my parents (to be fair, they were right). Still being bodyshamed on my clothing choices, and being made fun of "not caring about their opinions", as if I'm just a stubborn little kid. But I do care. Which is why I hide my body away. If I truly didn't care, I would wear what I've actually always wanted to wear. I wouldn't burst into tears in my birthday dress because my mum gasped and shook her head when she saw my knees. Even today, when modeling a new pair of heels for her, her first comment was "ooh they're so nice, they make your feet look way slimmer". As if that's the only thing that should matter.

And the sickest part is I'm still asking for her opinion. Still trying to get the approval that I will probably never get. And I'll most likely never give up, even if it means I might get stuck in a rowing machine.

PSA: Be nice to your kids. "

Dear Timberswindler,

I as a boy and latterly a man have gone through the very same. Short, fat, ugly, useless. All the adjectives designed to be hurtful.

I have a little bit of frontage now but I am still mortified by it. Thanks to my parents I always will. I have realised that I am not fat, ugly and useless. I have a very successful career and a lovely loving family. Unfortunately I am still short but nothing I can do there.

I do hope you can find the positives in yourself. You are very beautiful on the outside and I imagine the same is true on the inside.

I for one would be very proud to be seen anywhere with you on my arm. Be strong. You are lovely and keep on being you. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP

I grew up in the shadow of a perfect, beautiful sister too. When I was a teenager she unfortunately developed an eating disorder and lost a lot of weight. Within full earshot of me my mum would refer to us as "the daughter that eats too little and the daughter that eats too much".

ironically she never realised that she was a massive reason as to why I ate so damn much.

I've heard her telling my brother and sister in law that their naturally very slim daughter is "the kind of child every parent wants because she'll never have weight issues". Sometimes I just really think she wishes I was born a completely different person.

I totally get how that upbringing would affect the way you feel on here, but you shouldn't let that make you write people off before they've had a chance to prove they like you. You're beautiful

Have you ever told your mum that's she's a cunt? Xx

She's nice and loving in other ways and we have an otherwise okay relationship. I think she gets frustrated a lot because she doesn't understand why I get upset. She has also become incredibly sensitive in the past few years and cries at everything, including people being angry at her.

A lot of it is definitely projection because she has never been happy with her own weight and looks, and has had to deal with a lot of criticism herself. As a result she's hyper-focused on people's looks. Even watching TV with her is a slog... "oh that person's not very attractive, that person's hair/eyebrows/makeup is terrible". Etc etc.

My dad is the same. Comments on strangers walking past in the street in the vein of "god, women over size 16 really shouldn't be dressed like that". They're very much not from the "beauty is only skin deep" generation.

My dads a bit like this but he doesn’t mean it in a nasty way. He’s very very fit and healthy and I honestly think that’s why. When I say I don’t have time etc he always says things like look after yourself you’d be no good to everyone else if you’re ill etc. I argue with him but I think deep down it’s because I know he’s right. I do need to get fit, I do need to lose weight and I think it annoys me more that I know that he’s right. In some cases I think they are probably trying to do their best for us but maybe going about it the wrong way. "

Fair point, maybe it's coming from love.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP

I grew up in the shadow of a perfect, beautiful sister too. When I was a teenager she unfortunately developed an eating disorder and lost a lot of weight. Within full earshot of me my mum would refer to us as "the daughter that eats too little and the daughter that eats too much".

ironically she never realised that she was a massive reason as to why I ate so damn much.

I've heard her telling my brother and sister in law that their naturally very slim daughter is "the kind of child every parent wants because she'll never have weight issues". Sometimes I just really think she wishes I was born a completely different person.

I totally get how that upbringing would affect the way you feel on here, but you shouldn't let that make you write people off before they've had a chance to prove they like you. You're beautiful

Have you ever told your mum that's she's a cunt? Xx

She's nice and loving in other ways and we have an otherwise okay relationship. I think she gets frustrated a lot because she doesn't understand why I get upset. She has also become incredibly sensitive in the past few years and cries at everything, including people being angry at her.

A lot of it is definitely projection because she has never been happy with her own weight and looks, and has had to deal with a lot of criticism herself. As a result she's hyper-focused on people's looks. Even watching TV with her is a slog... "oh that person's not very attractive, that person's hair/eyebrows/makeup is terrible". Etc etc.

My dad is the same. Comments on strangers walking past in the street in the vein of "god, women over size 16 really shouldn't be dressed like that". They're very much not from the "beauty is only skin deep" generation.

My dads a bit like this but he doesn’t mean it in a nasty way. He’s very very fit and healthy and I honestly think that’s why. When I say I don’t have time etc he always says things like look after yourself you’d be no good to everyone else if you’re ill etc. I argue with him but I think deep down it’s because I know he’s right. I do need to get fit, I do need to lose weight and I think it annoys me more that I know that he’s right. In some cases I think they are probably trying to do their best for us but maybe going about it the wrong way.

Fair point, maybe it's coming from love.

"

I’m not saying all the time as some of the things I’ve read here are heartbreaking and awful. Sometimes maybe it is. My dad’s answer to everything that may be wrong in life is “go for a walk you’ll feel better”

.

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

Maybe it's time to spend a bit less time in the company of your parents and shake off their influence on how you think

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

"

And the sickest part is I'm still asking for her opinion. Still trying to get the approval that I will probably never get. And I'll most likely never give up, even if it means I might get stuck in a rowing machine.

This is the part that hit me the most though it's the dad for me, I spent my life seeking his approval and as you say not sure will ever get

I try and temper it by saying he means well"

Yes I did same! A few years before my mum died I actually asked her why she allways told me I was stupid and useless when I was growing up she replied because u are! I think I've worked out why she was so unkind to me I think she was jealous that my dad loved me bizarre as that sounds! She allways said she only wanted sons! I did love her very much x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My mum always introduced me and my sister as "this is the pretty one" (my sister) and "this is the clever one" (me). Spent my whole life with her fixated on my weight by telling me how much weight she had lost or what size clothes she's in now. Basically I'm the fat ugly one of the family but luckily, I'm clever.

Despite my photos on here, I have very little body confidence and tend to turn very good looking, fit guys who message me away, telling them they "don't need to scrape the barrel with me" when they have verifications from women half my age and half my size. I'm right there with you OP

I grew up in the shadow of a perfect, beautiful sister too. When I was a teenager she unfortunately developed an eating disorder and lost a lot of weight. Within full earshot of me my mum would refer to us as "the daughter that eats too little and the daughter that eats too much".

ironically she never realised that she was a massive reason as to why I ate so damn much.

I've heard her telling my brother and sister in law that their naturally very slim daughter is "the kind of child every parent wants because she'll never have weight issues". Sometimes I just really think she wishes I was born a completely different person.

I totally get how that upbringing would affect the way you feel on here, but you shouldn't let that make you write people off before they've had a chance to prove they like you. You're beautiful

Have you ever told your mum that's she's a cunt? Xx

She's nice and loving in other ways and we have an otherwise okay relationship. I think she gets frustrated a lot because she doesn't understand why I get upset. She has also become incredibly sensitive in the past few years and cries at everything, including people being angry at her.

A lot of it is definitely projection because she has never been happy with her own weight and looks, and has had to deal with a lot of criticism herself. As a result she's hyper-focused on people's looks. Even watching TV with her is a slog... "oh that person's not very attractive, that person's hair/eyebrows/makeup is terrible". Etc etc.

My dad is the same. Comments on strangers walking past in the street in the vein of "god, women over size 16 really shouldn't be dressed like that". They're very much not from the "beauty is only skin deep" generation.

My dads a bit like this but he doesn’t mean it in a nasty way. He’s very very fit and healthy and I honestly think that’s why. When I say I don’t have time etc he always says things like look after yourself you’d be no good to everyone else if you’re ill etc. I argue with him but I think deep down it’s because I know he’s right. I do need to get fit, I do need to lose weight and I think it annoys me more that I know that he’s right. In some cases I think they are probably trying to do their best for us but maybe going about it the wrong way. "

Yeah this sounds more like concern for your health than your looks. Your dad sounds like a good man

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Maybe it's time to spend a bit less time in the company of your parents and shake off their influence on how you think "

I'm trying... It's not easy on a single salary in London

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't even know where to start.

My mum has had a life being on and off drugs. The way she reacts to things when she can't get her fix for whatever reason has left me fearing how she will react to anything I tell her. Now I just don't tell her anything unless I really have to. I've grown up with the idea that telling people your worries/regrets makes them angry and find it very hard to open up to friends and family even now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"In case anyone is interested I am wearing a dress that comes slightly above the knee today (albeit with black tights but baby steps). I saw my mother do the "I really want to say something but I don't want the headache" look but I just pretended to be in a rush so I wouldn't have to be around the negativity.

It's summer and I'm dressing for it

"

this!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There are reasons I have never mourned the death of my parents. That's all I have to say about that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Maybe it's time to spend a bit less time in the company of your parents and shake off their influence on how you think

I'm trying... It's not easy on a single salary in London "

Everyone is in Manchester. Unfortunately I'm there too

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"In case anyone is interested I am wearing a dress that comes slightly above the knee today (albeit with black tights but baby steps). I saw my mother do the "I really want to say something but I don't want the headache" look but I just pretended to be in a rush so I wouldn't have to be around the negativity.

It's summer and I'm dressing for it

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Parenting is a challenging undertaking to begin with so while i get that most ppl dont have it figured out and the correct ways to raise their children, theres a difference between parenting for the benefit of the child and simply enforcing ones own beliefs and perspectives. Usually for the majority of families its almost always the latter.

While i do look back on my life and recognise i couldve done things differently to have given myself a better life from an earlier age, i do also understand that unfortunately i couldnt have known any better given the upbringing i had.

While my dad wouldve pushed me to succeed in life at an early age, he didnt really have much influence in my life after my parents split when i was 7 and i ended up moving around the country with my mother and stepdad. Those two never really made any attempt at having much involvement throughout my childhood and teenage years, i was just neglected, left to my own devices, and growing up out in the country side, especially having so few friends, i was extremely isolated and solitary. You can imagine that didnt do anything for developing a future for me. A couple decades pass and i was still not going anywhere with my life.

The only regret ill ever carry with me to my deathbed is not breaking free from the brainwashing sooner, from everyone i knew in school and at home, who made me believe i was worth nothing and had nothing to offer, i couldnt succeed in an acting career, couldnt join the army, couldnt join the police, couldnt do bodybuilding, dissuading me from doing anything that didnt involve stacking shelves or sitting at a cashier desk.

As im now 30, i realise that i wouldnt be who i am today had that not all happened, and had things gone differently i probably wouldnt have grown as much as i have in all these years. I do realise that spending so much of my life in solitary meant i had the time to look at myself, improve myself in all sorts of ways, being more charismatic, intelligent and knowledgeable, possessing many skills and qualities, my overall confidence.

In the end all we can really do as we grower older and wiser is to address what perspective we have on our upbringing and how we were raised by our parents (or werent raised at all in my case), and what we do with that perspective, whether we use it as an excuse to blame others for our own shortcomings in life or try to see the silver lining and how its helped us grow and improve as individuals.

It wasnt until after a number of encounters and situations in the last several years where i began to realise that despite the very minimal involvement my mother and stepdad took during my youth years, and all the bullying and being ostricised in school, it put me on a path of self development that made me who i am today. Ive found myself being highly complimented on my personality, being well spoken, knowledgeable and insightful, very astute. Only recently i attended a workshop as part of the support program im on and the ppl running the workshop seemed to be blown away by me, i jokingly said about offering me a job and they actually laughed and took it seriously saying i would be a great addition to the team. Its things like that which helped change my perspective on my entire childhood, rather than blaming parents for their poor parenting skills, ive taken it as a blessing for putting me on a path of self-improvement and growth.

I know now that im capable of amazing things, sometimes due to my mental health i can doubt if i actually am but the positive outlook usually tends to prevail. Its sad that it took my mother and stepdad telling me i cant be anything i wanted to be, and everything that followed, to make me the person i am today. But in all honesty i dont blame them and say they ruined my life, i just have little respect for them.

(Also unrelated to the topic but yes im back on fab after a hiatus for a couple months)

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