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Not your usual dilemma

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Can't ask on Facebook so thought I'd ask here. About 4 months we got my 13 Yr old a puppy. She has been amazing with the pup and does everything for it. I do mean everything. Wherever you find her, you'd find the pup. So 3 months into having the pup it manages to escape my car as we were getting ready for a walk. We have spent a little over a month searching for the pup but not had so much as a sighting of it.

Now my husband has managed to track down a 5 month old dog with looks very much like ours. He wants to buy it and pass it off as our missing dog. He wants to do this so that our daughter doesn't have to deal with heartbreak of losing the other dog.

I think this is wrong on so many levels. One I think dealing with loss is a part of life and its best she copes with it now. Secondly if the dog is eventually found it is registered to our name and address and how would we explain that to our daughter?

My husband is adamant we replace the pup and say nothing but it's not really something I'm prepared to do.

Am I being unreasonable?

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By *hoirCouple
over a year ago

Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds

Yes.

If the missing pup comes back just say it's a twin.

C

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Don't lie to her, she's 13 she'll know and if she doesn't the dog will. When she finds out she will hold it against you. 13 year olds don't need genuine reasons to resent you they'll find enough trumped up ones.

I'm with you on this.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading


"Don't lie to her, she's 13 she'll know and if she doesn't the dog will. When she finds out she will hold it against you. 13 year olds don't need genuine reasons to resent you they'll find enough trumped up ones.

I'm with you on this."

I agree don't lie. But she may be fine taking this new dog on.

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By *aliceWoman
over a year ago

Birmingham

No, you're not. She's old enough not to be emotionally infantilised. If you want to give a home to a puppy and as a gift to your daughter to help her with mourning the loss of the other one, do it but be honest about it.

Plus if your daughter doted on the old dog I'd bet she would notice the diferrence and then you're potentially going to have to deal with the fallout of deception.

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By *azzi2010Man
over a year ago

Leytonstone

It won't work, your child knows the dog better than either of you and would realise it's not the right one. It's best to be honest.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Also isn't she already dealing with losing the other dog, it's been gone a month? I know there's always hope etc but surely she's entertained the thought that it's not coming back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Can't ask on Facebook so thought I'd ask here. About 4 months we got my 13 Yr old a puppy. She has been amazing with the pup and does everything for it. I do mean everything. Wherever you find her, you'd find the pup. So 3 months into having the pup it manages to escape my car as we were getting ready for a walk. We have spent a little over a month searching for the pup but not had so much as a sighting of it.

Now my husband has managed to track down a 5 month old dog with looks very much like ours. He wants to buy it and pass it off as our missing dog. He wants to do this so that our daughter doesn't have to deal with heartbreak of losing the other dog.

I think this is wrong on so many levels. One I think dealing with loss is a part of life and its best she copes with it now. Secondly if the dog is eventually found it is registered to our name and address and how would we explain that to our daughter?

My husband is adamant we replace the pup and say nothing but it's not really something I'm prepared to do.

Am I being unreasonable?

"

No you aren't being unreasonable. I agree with you and as horrible as this is it is a lesson on emotions/grief, dealing with a loss, and emotion regulation but teach and support her in dealing with the feelings and processing those feelings because life is hard and it's one of many knockbacks and you can't protect her from them all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I certainly wouldn’t go through with that idea of passing it off as the same dog…

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry that happened btw, must be horrible enough as it is and you need to be able to talk about it too in order to process it, you can't do that when you are keeping up a pretence

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One of the reasons pets are good for kids is because it teaches them about loss and grief.

She's 13, more than old enough to understand that life isn't all good things. Be honest with her, she'll appreciate it. She also won't have that "why are my parents lying to me" feeling when she realises it isn't the same dog because it's highly likely she'll know.

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By *riving_Home_For_MimiWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

That's definitely not a good idea

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Dogs have their own personalities. If someone tried to pass off a similar looking dog as one I had owned I would know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for, just be honest.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Yes.

If the missing pup comes back just say it's a twin.

C"

I don't think I could do that.

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

It's bad enough what she's gone through without adding to it by lying or her thinking 'they must really think I'm stupid to believe that'..

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Don't lie to her, she's 13 she'll know and if she doesn't the dog will. When she finds out she will hold it against you. 13 year olds don't need genuine reasons to resent you they'll find enough trumped up ones.

I'm with you on this."

Thanks

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By *amie7474Man
over a year ago

stockport


"Can't ask on Facebook so thought I'd ask here. About 4 months we got my 13 Yr old a puppy. She has been amazing with the pup and does everything for it. I do mean everything. Wherever you find her, you'd find the pup. So 3 months into having the pup it manages to escape my car as we were getting ready for a walk. We have spent a little over a month searching for the pup but not had so much as a sighting of it.

Now my husband has managed to track down a 5 month old dog with looks very much like ours. He wants to buy it and pass it off as our missing dog. He wants to do this so that our daughter doesn't have to deal with heartbreak of losing the other dog.

I think this is wrong on so many levels. One I think dealing with loss is a part of life and its best she copes with it now. Secondly if the dog is eventually found it is registered to our name and address and how would we explain that to our daughter?

My husband is adamant we replace the pup and say nothing but it's not really something I'm prepared to do.

Am I being unreasonable?

"

You can’t kid kids! She’ll sus you out. And as others have touched on in this thread in a round about way, you’re reinforcing lying as a good thing which is generally not what teenagers need from their parents. They need to learn how to handle difficult conversations and emotions with support - Not hide from them.

You’re completely right. Stick to your guns and good luck

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By *urvytreatWoman
over a year ago

somewhere nice

Personally I think you can find a middle ground here. I agree with you about not telling lies. I can also see where your hubby is coming from with a new dog, and his heart is definitely in the right place…. So……

Tell your daughter the truth about the puppy, and then explain that her dad has spent a lot of time finding her another special puppy for her to love. Then you have a daughter who’s happy that mum n dad aren’t treating her like a kid, and who’s over the moon to have a new best friend to love

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If she was five your husband may have a point but at 13 no way should you do this. She will never trust you again if the truth comes out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Anyone who has loved a pet dog will know that this simply won't work, to even consider it suggests he doesn't understand the bond your daughter had/has.

On top of that, I totally agree with you, teaching your daughter how to cope with adversity is far far better parenting than lying about stuff to make the world seem a better place. Will he pay an old lady to act as her nan if/when she loses her? Kids need to learn how to deal with life being shit coz if they don't they haven't a clue how to cope as adults.

Mr

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Personally I think you can find a middle ground here. I agree with you about not telling lies. I can also see where your hubby is coming from with a new dog, and his heart is definitely in the right place…. So……

Tell your daughter the truth about the puppy, and then explain that her dad has spent a lot of time finding her another special puppy for her to love. Then you have a daughter who’s happy that mum n dad aren’t treating her like a kid, and who’s over the moon to have a new best friend to love "

I thought about this but if the other dog turns up then I'd be stuck with 2 dogs.

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

The truth. She's 13, not 5.

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38


"Can't ask on Facebook so thought I'd ask here. About 4 months we got my 13 Yr old a puppy. She has been amazing with the pup and does everything for it. I do mean everything. Wherever you find her, you'd find the pup. So 3 months into having the pup it manages to escape my car as we were getting ready for a walk. We have spent a little over a month searching for the pup but not had so much as a sighting of it.

Now my husband has managed to track down a 5 month old dog with looks very much like ours. He wants to buy it and pass it off as our missing dog. He wants to do this so that our daughter doesn't have to deal with heartbreak of losing the other dog.

I think this is wrong on so many levels. One I think dealing with loss is a part of life and its best she copes with it now. Secondly if the dog is eventually found it is registered to our name and address and how would we explain that to our daughter?

My husband is adamant we replace the pup and say nothing but it's not really something I'm prepared to do.

Am I being unreasonable?

"

I'm with you.i think it's a really bad idea.

She'll get over it.

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

Don’t lie.

Never lie.

It never works, please don’t lie.

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

How do you know she hasn't taught it to roll over when she says "sausages"? You'll get caught out in two.minutes flat.

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

[Removed by poster at 20/06/22 23:02:23]

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By *onkeynutWoman
over a year ago

somewhere

This same story was in the newspaper today

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT


"Can't ask on Facebook so thought I'd ask here. About 4 months we got my 13 Yr old a puppy. She has been amazing with the pup and does everything for it. I do mean everything. Wherever you find her, you'd find the pup. So 3 months into having the pup it manages to escape my car as we were getting ready for a walk. We have spent a little over a month searching for the pup but not had so much as a sighting of it.

Now my husband has managed to track down a 5 month old dog with looks very much like ours. He wants to buy it and pass it off as our missing dog. He wants to do this so that our daughter doesn't have to deal with heartbreak of losing the other dog.

I think this is wrong on so many levels. One I think dealing with loss is a part of life and its best she copes with it now. Secondly if the dog is eventually found it is registered to our name and address and how would we explain that to our daughter?

My husband is adamant we replace the pup and say nothing but it's not really something I'm prepared to do.

Am I being unreasonable?

"

You are not being unreasonable at all.

To be blunt your husband sounds like a plank.

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else


"This same story was in the newspaper today "

Is OP Tom in disguise?

I must say it's a magnificent disguise if so.

Such puppies...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You cant just replace like that. Life doesn't work like that. Its teaching your child all the wrong things.

The dog has gone, let her learn from that and maybe think about getting another at a much later time.

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By *riel13Woman
over a year ago

Northampton

Lying is the worst

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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago

A world all of his own


"Don’t lie.

Never lie.

It never works, please don’t lie. "

Completely agree. If she finds out, she's going to learn that her parents lied to her, and I'm not sure that'd a good life lesson for her.

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By *oubleswing2019Man
over a year ago

Colchester

Be honest, empathise with her that you are just as devastated about the loss as she is. Share your sorrows together. Work through the grief and sadness together.

Then work together on a new beginning, with a new dog.

No lies, no deception, and a shared life-experience that she and you will both learn from and grow in to, and then eventually overcome.

This is the way.

I wish you all the best.

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