FabSwingers.com forum: How do you know when someone actually fancies you?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I held off on posting this for a while because it's just so fucking tragic but it's been playing on my mind and giving me a complex about literally any guy that talks to me so here goes.

I was all set to meet someone off an app a few weeks ago. We'd been talking for a fair while (he seemed completely nice and normal) but then a few hours beforehand he asks to see my Insta for more pics. I gave it to him, and knew he'd checked it by the fact he had to send me a follow request to see it. He didn't message for about 30 mins, at which point I was like "well I guess you don't fancy me then".

His reply? "No I don't to be honest, but I'm in the mood to mess around.".

Now look, I'm a grown ass woman and I can deal with people not fancying me. It's fine. I can also understand having second thoughts and wanting to see more pics of someone before meeting them. It's totally okay. But that response, telling someone they're not attractive but they're fine for a shag - regardless of whether this is the way guys usually think - is malicious in my opinion. He could have just said no and left it there.

I remember this being a major factor in why I deleted my profile previously - I got too in my head whenever men paid me compliments and eventually treated everyone with suspicion. However shitty, this guy was at least honest about his true feelings. But then how do you know that guys aren't just talking to you because they want a shag??

Like, I get how ridiculous that question sounds on a swinging site. Most of the time it's painfully obvious as well when they're just after a quick shag. But you know what I mean. There's people that will string you along and act like a decent human for weeks even if they're not into you. Even if it's just sex you want someone that genuinely finds you attractive and/or a good person to spend time with, right?

Just word vomit at this point

hopefully this makes sense idk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So many ways

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Meet the head face on.

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

Yup, people are shit. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Truth is, all we can do is take people at face value and believe when they say they find us attractive. On here though, I take compliments with a pinch of salt because a lot of the time it's obvious that they think it's what women want to hear. But yes of course everyone I've had sex with I would like to think they genuinely wanted to be there, if not they are a shitty person and it's on them not me.

Take it as a dodged bullet on this one but don't put all guys in the same category. Most men say what they mean and mean what they say, they are less complicated than us.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fanny froth

Well, you did ask

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By *ervent_fervourMan
over a year ago

Halifax

Happened so many times to me,so i get where you're coming from. The :you're alright, but I'll string you along just to get some(narccistic) attention/back up shag.

There's loads who would truly feel the spark with you I'm sure. It's just winkling them out. I'm lucky enough to have dated some drop dead gorgeous women, so when i have a moment of doubt, i always think:yeah, I'm not too bad actually, fuck off, and I'm sure you will have too.

Some people are just dicks. Just seems like the number of them with their selfish attitudes are growing unfortunately.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've had a guy spend weeks/months talking to me. We meet, we had sex. In hindsight I know he didn't actually fancy me, but as we'd already arranged it, it was just easier for him to go along with it I guess.

Now, nothing a guy says actually means anything to me.

It's all too easy to fake fancying someone just to get sex.

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By *ornylittlesubWoman
over a year ago

Grangemouth

It's hard to tell at the best of times, even harder when you meet online and 3ven HARDER when it's through a site like this....in conclusion, we're fked!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I guess I’m weird but I’m an open book. Obviously I’m married so this doesn’t happen anymore but if I fancy someone I just tell them/ask them out. What’s the worst that can happen?

This “man” sounds like a dick.

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

"I guess I’m weird but I’m an open book. Obviously I’m married so this doesn’t happen anymore but if I fancy someone I just tell them/ask them out. What’s the worst that can happen?

This “man” sounds like a dick."

I wish I had that kind of confidence

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The reality of a site like this is that the majority of people looking to meet are looking for sex.

I know this might be an unpopular opinion (and probably will result in people blocking me for my scandalous misogynistic views) but it’s why the ladies are so popular on here (and other sex sites) and the demand is excessive compared to a conventional dating site (for example) where the demand is more evenly balanced or may even be skewed in mens favour.

Quite simple many of us men are looking for an orifice to stick our willies into, rather than a life partner. Yes, of course there needs to be attraction - that goes without saying - but not necessarily totally into you like you would be if conventionally dating.

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By *r easy1981Man
over a year ago

leeds

You just no

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Example earlier today i was in morrisons getting milk and caught a lass staring she went a lil red a few secs passed and she kept peeking out the corner of her eye and the odd superquick peek over the shoulder made me chuckle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I guess I’m weird but I’m an open book. Obviously I’m married so this doesn’t happen anymore but if I fancy someone I just tell them/ask them out. What’s the worst that can happen?

This “man” sounds like a dick.

I wish I had that kind of confidence

It’s not even confidence. I’m just shameless

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By *iaisonseekerMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

"The reality of a site like this is that the majority of people looking to meet are looking for sex.

This is absolutely spot-on. To address the OP's point, if it's just sex, it doesn't have to be with someone you'd take home to meet your mother or even would ordinarily be attracted to.

Of course, everyone should be able to set their own standards and not feel like they're being deceived but I wouldn't expect to find more common ground with someone than a willingness to do the nasty.

Not to say it can't happen but you risk overinvesting if you expect it to.

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By *parkle1974Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

It was a shitty thing for him to say but at least he was honest...sadly that trait is very lacking in some.

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

If he already knew what you looked like, the minute he asked to see more pics should have made you wary of his intentions

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've had a guy spend weeks/months talking to me. We meet, we had sex. In hindsight I know he didn't actually fancy me, but as we'd already arranged it, it was just easier for him to go along with it I guess.

Now, nothing a guy says actually means anything to me.

It's all too easy to fake fancying someone just to get sex.

This is sad

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is the thing isn’t it ? On here

The compliments are two a penny , the genuine ones can be lost in a sea of crap.

My cynicism comes from this …. However, I know I’m attractive and well - I want to trust the words occasionally

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Maybe I'll just give up on meeting people altogether

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

No, but find it easier to figure when someone doesn't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Maybe I'll just give up on meeting people altogether"

Don’t you dare !!

You’re a beautiful woman

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By *rMrsBrightsideCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle

This is exactly why I find fab difficult sometimes. I know we’re all just here for sex but I want the person I’m with to actually have desire for me. I don’t want to feel like I could just be anyone. I’m married so not desperate for sex at all so it had to feel right for me.

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

"Maybe I'll just give up on meeting people altogether"

Why?

Just change how you go about things

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By *toC Thats MeWoman
over a year ago

Sheffield

It’s the whole…you’re ok to fuck but not to date.

It’s hard to trust, people have so much choice at their fingertips these days too. X

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

"Maybe I'll just give up on meeting people altogether"

I hope you don't. I doubt any of us would want anyone to deny themselves anything (in life, let alone this swinging nonsense) based on a random twat being a twat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wish I had an answer. I don't trust on here either. I just don't believe men telling me I am amazing or gorgeous because I'm neither. But I know I'm worth more than being used for sex by some dickhead who doesn't GAF about me. And so are you. If that means giving up on meeting men here, then maybe that's what's needed.

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By *izandpaulCouple
over a year ago

merseyside

"The reality of a site like this is that the majority of people looking to meet are looking for sex.

We are a couple and are also only looking for casual sex either with other couples or single men / women.

Not looking for long term friends or any form of relationships.

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By *tinerant scribeMan
over a year ago

County Durham

People can be immature, compartamentalising, duplicitous, self-serving, status-craving bat droppings. (Note the horde of bats checking libel laws.) I know it's mainly guys. I am sorry. Masculinity needs a lot of work.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I held off on posting this for a while because it's just so fucking tragic but it's been playing on my mind and giving me a complex about literally any guy that talks to me so here goes.

His reply? "No I don't to be honest, but I'm in the mood to mess around.".

Just word vomit at this point

hopefully this makes sense idk"

OK firstly what a dick, you've dodged a bullet there!

Secondly I get what you're saying, I feel suspicious of most messages I get, I don't view myself as desirable but I'm learning to become more confident in myself

Luckily the meets I've had have been fantastic and repeated with the same men.

I've had a perv at your profile, you are beautiful

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By *iaisonseekerMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?"

No. That's sounding pretty shitty tbh.

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By *iaisonseekerMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?

No. That's sounding pretty shitty tbh. "

Transactional, certainly, but isn't that what casual sex often is?

As I said above, it doesn't have to be like that but expecting genuine affection and attraction might not be totally compatible with this arena. I don't think it's any kind of failure to have consensual sex with someone who only wants that.

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By *toC Thats MeWoman
over a year ago

Sheffield

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?"

The OP was going on a date with this guy…and no one is ever out of anyones league, that’s a shitty perception.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?

No. That's sounding pretty shitty tbh.

Transactional, certainly, but isn't that what casual sex often is?

I don't see sleeping with a man as some sort of bucket list item to be ticked off.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?"

You might not get the chance to otherwise...

Next cab out of the rank... shag out of your league (vom vom)

To be blunt that all sounds fucking grim. I'm glad I do things my way.

OP, I'm not sure there's a tried and tested way of knowing. Go over the minutiae and overthink every single message to be sure of it? Unhealthy. Assume that everyone does? Naive.

I think in time you just learn when someone means what they say. You learn to trust them fully. I don't think everyone who wants to have sex with you will fancy you but if that's what you want? Well, wait 'til you find that and don't do something that will make you sad. I'm pretty good at knowing nowadays but even I still have the occasional self doubt. And then my friends remind me I'm epic. And I remind myself I am.

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

I don't. It takes a hell of a lot for me to even begin to believe when someone says they do find me attractive, and I keep my doubts for a long time.

I "know" that to most of the men who compliment me that I'm nothing but someone to stick their cock into because they see me as the fat bird who must be desperate and to get a fuck they'll scrape the bottom of this particular barrel. That's my firm belief and it means it takes someone who actually gives a shit about me, and about learning about me to break down the walls I've built as a result of feeling that way. And I feel that way because, like you have been in this case, OP, I've been told it all my life and I still am sometimes. By men, by women, to my face and behind my back.

Because many people are arseholes.

My advice, for what it's worth, is meet people. Meet a lot of people. But go into each occasion promising and expecting nothing. Watch for the subtle hints that he wants to be there, that he wants you. The ones he can't control, and can't (or won't think to) fake. Those are the ones you can trust.

And know that if you aren't feeling it... you don't owe him anything and you don't have to do anything you don't feel is right. Also, know that if you want to do all the things, you go for it if you feel it at the time. But go into that armed with the knowledge you absolutely wanted it at the time and have no regrets (the same obviously goes for anyone reading this, regardless of gender).

I'm sorry you feel as you do. It isn't right, and it isn't fair. But don't let it stop you living your life, and don't let it stop you looking for what you want. You're worth more than you believe you are. And certainly more than some people would have you believe you are.

You'll find people who want to build you up rather than tear you down if you give them the chance. I have, although it has taken longer than you've been alive

. And they care enough to want to do it despite my resistance.

(Sorry... hope that waffle made sense

)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That’s beautifully put ^^^^

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very callous of the lad, ungallant and somewhat selfish. Best to file him away into the folder called B1N. You deserve better and I’m sure you’ll get better responses.

Bob

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've suddenly realised that I need to have a full rewrite of my profile.

I now kniw why I hate people!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?

You might not get the chance to otherwise...

Next cab out of the rank... shag out of your league (vom vom)

To be blunt that all sounds fucking grim. I'm glad I do things my way.

OP, I'm not sure there's a tried and tested way of knowing. Go over the minutiae and overthink every single message to be sure of it? Unhealthy. Assume that everyone does? Naive.

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By *asilyled1Man
over a year ago

ogmore valley

It really isn’t hard to be honest and genuine. I say how I feel and mean what I say.I don’t understand why people lie,they always get found out. Sorry you has that crap OP,but you’ll be ok I’m sure. You come across as a lovely woman on the forums and you’ll be ok

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't. It takes a hell of a lot for me to even begin to believe when someone says they do find me attractive, and I keep my doubts for a long time.

Because many people are arseholes.

You'll find people who want to build you up rather than tear you down if you give them the chance. I have, although it has taken longer than you've been alive

. And they care enough to want to do it despite my resistance.

(Sorry... hope that waffle made sense

Your waffle always makes sense. And sometimes makes me cry even when it's not meant for me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I too am on both types of site and have pondered how people decide who they go out with or who they fuck. I think some people, I say people because both do it but men much more so, don't want to risk rejection if they developed feelings for the other person. This is more likely if you're really into the other person so they don't take the chance and play it safe with someone they're not into massively. Just my thoughts on it anyway

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Maybe I'll just give up on meeting people altogether

Don’t you dare !!

You’re a beautiful woman "

I appreciate the sentiment. I honestly just cba with this part of life though

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

I wait them out. If they are still talking after a few weeks I figure that they are in it for more than a quick shag. So many fall by the wayside.

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By *enrietteandSamCouple
over a year ago

Staffordshire

They tug on your pig tails whilst standing in the lunch queue

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Maybe I'll just give up on meeting people altogether

Don’t you dare !!

You’re a beautiful woman

I appreciate the sentiment. I honestly just cba with this part of life though "

I completely get this.

But don't!!

You just have to find that one, or in my case, I'd quite like 3. Variety and all.

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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

Meeting them for a social is then only way to really see if there’s any connection. For me if there’s no spark then I don’t take it any further. If there’s a spark I’ve often gone on to meet them several times.

Guys should remember that we’re here to have fun for our pleasure, we’re not here to service every guy that thinks we should be honoured that they’ve messaged us.

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By *r kink8585Man
over a year ago

ireland,

"Meeting them for a social is then only way to really see if there’s any connection. For me if there’s no spark then I don’t take it any further. If there’s a spark I’ve often gone on to meet them several times.

Guys should remember that we’re here to have fun for our pleasure, we’re not here to service every guy that thinks we should be honoured that they’ve messaged us. "

Amen

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By *iaisonseekerMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?"

In case it wasn't obvious from the quotation marks, this post was playing devil's advocate. That is just a time-honoured technique of reframing a discussion so I'm glad people have had their fun with it

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?

What's the point?

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By *iaisonseekerMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?

What's the point? "

The point of playing devil's advocate do you mean?

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By *cruffymooWoman
over a year ago

Skelmersdale

Now, nothing a guy says actually means anything to me.

It's all too easy to fake fancying someone just to get sex.

Now, nothing a guy says actually means anything to me.

It's all too easy to fake fancying someone just to get sex.

Totally agree.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?

What's the point?

The point of playing devil's advocate do you mean?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Maybe I'll just give up on meeting people altogether"

That would just be punishing yourself. It sounds to me that he is just shallow, and looking to get laid. You can't deny yourself your needs, just because of a prick. I know it's a cliche, but "Not all guys... etc". There are genuine men out there.

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By *iaisonseekerMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?

What's the point?

The point of playing devil's advocate do you mean?

Yh"

Generally, it introduces an alternative perspective to test the validity of received wisdom and underlying assumptions.

In this case (and I'm not commenting on the behaviour of the chap in question) it seemed from your original post that you were saying sex was not worth it if the other person did not have genuine affection or attraction for you. However, you could take the view that sex is just a transaction between two people in the moment for mutual pleasure.

Understandably, you felt that the connection made via the app was more romantic in nature and felt cheated when it devolved into a hook-up.

That doesn't mean it can't be helpful to look at things from a detached point of view to stop a situation feeling like a judgement on you personally. It may just be symptomatic of a different attitude or value system.

Doesn't mean you have to get on board with that attitude of course.

Apologies if any of this comes across as patronising. It's just an attempt to explain (not mansplain!).

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

[Removed by poster at 18/06/22 22:39:28]

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Been there done that got far too many tshirts that I'm uber cynical about anyone who says they remotely like me

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Another way to look at it for women is that you have so much choice on Fab that you can shag "out of your league" as it were.

If you can get out of your head the "next cab out of the rank" feeling and just enjoy fucking someone you might not get the chance to otherwise, is that not a good thing if you're after casual sex?

What's the point?

The point of playing devil's advocate do you mean?

Generally, it introduces an alternative perspective to test the validity of received wisdom and underlying assumptions.

Understandably, you felt that the connection made via the app was more romantic in nature and felt cheated when it devolved into a hook-up.

Doesn't mean you have to get on board with that attitude of course.

Apologies if any of this comes across as patronising. It's just an attempt to explain (not mansplain!). "

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Perhaps he thought your question was tongue in cheek rather than passive aggressive

Was he definitely not funning you?

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Eye contact and not smiling.

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