FabSwingers.com forum: Witty insults

By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

What's the best insult or putdown you have heard?

I liked this one:

If brains were made of rubber, you wouldn't have enough to make a flip flop for a one-legged budgie.

Or:

If you're so hard, what happened to your cock?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If brains were made of rubber, you wouldn't have enough to make a flip flop for a one-legged budgie.

That made me chuckle.

I like this one:

Is that your own brain, or are you breaking it in for an idiot?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i would love to have a battle of wits, but your unarmed

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"If brains were made of rubber, you wouldn't have enough to make a flip flop for a one-legged budgie.

That made me chuckle.

I like this one:

Is that your own brain, or are you breaking it in for an idiot?

Like it!

How about, if you had another brain cell it'd be lonely.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Intelligence is measured by how many words you can say with more than three sysllables in it, but in your case I'll settle for 'eh?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is that really your face or did your neck just throw up??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not sure if its witty but I laughed when I 1st heard this 'your mom should have swollowed you, it would've saved the earth from another idiot!'

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"Is that really your face or did your neck just throw up??

LOL

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know you have to be somebody, but why do you have to be you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you said what you thought, you'd be speechless.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wish I had a lower I.Q., so that I could enjoy your company.

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"If you said what you thought, you'd be speechless."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did the Catholic Church hire you as a natural alternative to contraception?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At work years ago, a customer was giving a delivery driver a barrage of abuse about blocking her car in a car park she should NOT have parked in. He calming took this vitriolic onslaught of of insults, then calmly said " If your cunt was as big as your mouth, your guts would fall out"

She shut up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Halloween is over, you can take the mask off now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've got one nerve left, and you're getting right on it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable. Like a coma!

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

I'm so sorry... was it an accident or a lobotomy?

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"Did the Catholic Church hire you as a natural alternative to contraception? "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"At work years ago, a customer was giving a delivery driver a barrage of abuse about blocking her car in a car park she should NOT have parked in. He calming took this vitriolic onslaught of of insults, then calmly said " If your cunt was as big as your mouth, your guts would fall out"

She shut up"

Brilliant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was meant to be green smiley face - fat fingers tut

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By *hole Lotta RosieWoman
over a year ago

Deviant City

She shut up"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You have a massive inferiority complex. And it's fully justified!!!

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

I admire people who stretch themselves beyond their natural abilities… so well done for at least typing an answer.

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

You look like a professional blind date.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a boss is like a nappy always on your ass and full of sh**!!!!!!!

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Your mum must have been very proud of you....once.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I see you changed your mind!

I bet that was a seriously full nappy!!

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

Was the ground cold when you crawled out this morning?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She said I'm safe iv had the coil fitted . I said the size of your fanny you could have had carpets fitted ..

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"She said I'm safe iv had the coil fitted . I said the size of your fanny you could have had carpets fitted ..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not sure what your problem is - but I bet it's hard to pronounce!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd like to be able to share your point of _iew, but unfortunately I can't get my head that far up my own arse .

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Of course you're not stupid... your IQ isn't high enough for that.

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

Are your parents brother and sister.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A girl once said to me " You an half got a small organ ! "

To which i replied " Yeh well i didnt know i was playing in a fuckin cathedral ! "

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

Are your parents brother and sister?

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Are you 32 or 34? I keep mixing up your age and IQ.

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

A half-wit gave you a piece of mind once and you must have kept it.

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

You only speak your mind because you have nothing to lose.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Really? I'd rather shit on my hands and clap!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

someone said to me once "if you had half a brain cell you would be a tree! "

still dont really understand that ha ha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" lookslike a willy only smaller"

Ouch

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Did your school bus go a different route to all the other ones?

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

I bet you've licked a lot of windows.

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

You're plankton in a huge gene pool.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your a star

Dim and distant

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

I bet your mum is pro-abortion now.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Do rabbits look nervous in your presence?

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

I'd explain it to you, but I don't have any crayons.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

I bet you can sniff out a truffle.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you smell the flowers.. Are they scared ??

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

I like subtle ones... My fave is for someone who is not quite all there.....

The wheels spinning but the hamsters dead!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Anyone who told you to be yourself, couldn't have given you worse advice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're so fat, if you turned round we'd have to throw you a welcome back party

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

A person's gravity usually refers to their charm and manner... in your case I shall refer to Newton.

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

What colour's the sky in your world?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you were born they slapped your mum not you...

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

I wasn't sure if you had spoke or the dog had farted.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your mum should have swallowed

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

sorry, it most certainly is you and not me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I like subtle ones... My fave is for someone who is not quite all there.....

The wheels spinning but the hamsters dead!"

the lights are on but there's no-one home

your one sandwich short of a picnic

the lift doesnt go to the top floor

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

You're not pathetic... it's worse than that.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

From The Birdcage...

Albert: '...and he keeps chewing gum in MY FACE!!!'

Male dancer: 'Chewing gum helps me think.'

Albert: 'Sweetie.... don't waste your gum....'

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Your problems are God's way of giving you feedback.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At a party one of the (male) guests was being particularly vociferious when the female host why he had such a big mouth. He replied "I also have a big cock and when I go to fancy dress parties I throw it over my shoulder and go as a petrol pump" She smiled and offered him some canopies!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are stealing oxygen.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Another waste of carbon.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

I see they have finally managed spliced human DNA with a parsnip.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

it must be a face its got ears.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I might have a big head... But it would rattle around inside your mouth!

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By *ust_for_laughsCouple
over a year ago

Hinckley

I once bowled a guy out playing cricket, as he left the pitch, he told me I was 'deceptively slow for my arm action'...about pissed myself !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If wit was shit, you would be full of it.

If you had brains, you would be dangerous.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I wish I had a lower I.Q., so that I could enjoy your company."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sorry?! No, I heard what you said, I just feel sorry for you.

How can you be that ugly with only one head?

Fuck off back to the sewage farm, they're missing a bag of shit!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You look like a condom full of rocks!

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I have a secret message understood only by lobotomised pinheads and dipshits.

I'd write it here but all contributors to this thread would know what it meant.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I may not have a very big organ, but then it's not used to playing in a fucking cathedral.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, your Honour, I did have enough room ro swerve around her but unfortunately I didn't have enough petrol.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"A girl once said to me " You an half got a small organ ! "

To which i replied " Yeh well i didnt know i was playing in a fuckin cathedral ! "

Imitation is a form of flattery but in Wishy's case it's a failure to give a shit about repetition.

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By *mm_n_ZedCouple
over a year ago

Fareham

I'd like to agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.

If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A girl once said to me " You an half got a small organ ! "

To which i replied " Yeh well i didnt know i was playing in a fuckin cathedral ! "

Imitation is a form of flattery but in Wishy's case it's a failure to give a shit about repetition. "

Hey, it's a witty insult thread so it applies on here. What was your post doing on here though?

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By *ackandkateCouple
over a year ago

Truro

From the film "Blonde Fist" .... "What you gonna do for a face when Jabba the Hut wants his arse back?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Act your age not your shoe size.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

My post was attempting to learn from you 'Grand Master' - playing with rope but binding oneself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 11/11/12 13:06:50]

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"From the film "Blonde Fist" .... "What you gonna do for a face when Jabba the Hut wants his arse back?"

Jack ... I laughed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If your brain is as big as your arse/boobs, then you may be as stupid as you are.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My post was attempting to learn from you 'Grand Master' - playing with rope but binding oneself. "

Clearly it's knot working.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"[Removed by poster at 11/11/12 13:06:50]"

Too Late Laine.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"She had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle."

Not heard that one before. The version I know and use is "a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp".

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By *ackandkateCouple
over a year ago

Truro

If our dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his arse and teach him to walk backwards

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"[Removed by poster at 11/11/12 13:06:50]

Too Late Laine..... "

Sigh, I know ...... must be 'cos my lift doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"My post was attempting to learn from you 'Grand Master' - playing with rope but binding oneself.

Clearly it's knot working.

Boom Boom! Wishyfucious he say Bling Black Bassil Blush ! x

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

What a lovely outfit. Did they not have it in your size?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"If your brain is as big as your arse/boobs, then you may be as stupid as you are.

Okay ..... I GIVE in .....

Read it , Read it , Read it again ?

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By *ackandkateCouple
over a year ago

Truro

an old favourite of mine .... "she's been cocked more times than John Wayne's rifle"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your brain is as big as your arse/boobs, then you may be as stupid as you are.

Okay ..... I GIVE in .....

Read it , Read it , Read it again ?

Substitute the word cock for arse/boobs and you'll get it.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"an old favourite of mine .... "she's been cocked more times than John Wayne's rifle"

Every time you make me chuckle with that one.

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By *ackandkateCouple
over a year ago

Truro

Another gem from a film

From Lee Marvin ......

"Yes, we're a pair of bastards. In my case it's down to an accident of birth, but you my friend, are a self made man"

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Are you Granny Crumpet and Wishy's love child?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your brain is as big as your arse/boobs, then you may be as stupid as you are.

Okay ..... I GIVE in .....

Read it , Read it , Read it again ?

Oops, missed out the "not" between "may" and "be".

However, I am sure those with a bit of a brain got my drift.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"If your brain is as big as your arse/boobs, then you may be as stupid as you are.

Okay ..... I GIVE in .....

Read it , Read it , Read it again ?

Substitute the word cock for arse/boobs and you'll get it. "

Hate to go all fucking purist here ( in a 'fun' thread ) but that also necessitates the substitution of BIG for small ....

e.g if your brain is the SAME size as yoru cock then you are as stupid as you seem....

Sometimes it's just necessary to suck the life out of a million candle light bulb.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Next time you want to post in the forum can you send it by Royal Mail? We might get lucky and they'll lose it!!

(Something I've been we'll behaved enough - so far - never to have typed!)

But god it's tempting at times!!!

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"If your brain is as big as your arse/boobs, then you may be as stupid as you are.

Okay ..... I GIVE in .....

Read it , Read it , Read it again ?

Oops, missed out the "not" between "may" and "be".

However, I am sure those with a bit of a brain got my drift.

Quite Pearl and those with a LOT of brain refuse to drift.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Next time you want to post in the forum can you send it by Royal Mail? We might get lucky and they'll lose it!!

(Something I've been we'll behaved enough - so far - never to have typed!)

But god it's tempting at times!!!

Why d'you think I asked you to meet by parcel post... ?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Are you Granny Crumpet and Wishy's love child?"

There was no love involved...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wouldn't it be great if the hairs on your arse turned into drumsticks and beat the shit out of you.

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By *ackandkateCouple
over a year ago

Truro

May your ear'oles turn to aresoles and you shit down your shirt

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Is there a Slimming World for egos?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"May your ear'oles turn to aresoles and you shit down your shirt"

Laughed again. I think the simple ones are the best Jack.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Calling you an amoeba is an insult to its intelligence.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

[Removed by poster at 11/11/12 13:29:31]

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"[Removed by poster at 11/11/12 13:29:31]"

Danny James,

'I bet as a child you were such a c t ,Michael Jackson made you sleep in your own bed.'

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By *ackandkateCouple
over a year ago

Truro

"[Removed by poster at 11/11/12 13:29:31]

Danny James,

'I bet as a child you were such a c t ,Michael Jackson made you sleep in your own bed.'

now thats plain naughty

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By *orkieMan
over a year ago

Who knows

[Removed by poster at 11/11/12 13:32:32]

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By *orkieMan
over a year ago

Who knows

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your arsehole and may your arms be too short to reach and scratch

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"[Removed by poster at 11/11/12 13:29:31]

Danny James,

'I bet as a child you were such a c t ,Michael Jackson made you sleep in your own bed.'

now thats plain naughty

He was putting down a heckler at the time.

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By *orkieMan
over a year ago

Who knows

So... this is what happens when cousins marry, gimme a high six

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The biggest argument in their house is, 'just cos we're divorced, it doesn't mean you're not my sister anymore!'

May the hairs on your arse turn into splinters.

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By *uteirishaWoman
over a year ago

ghost town

I know that somewhere out there, there is a village awefully concerned about you....

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By *ust_for_laughsCouple
over a year ago

Hinckley

"Act your age not your shoe size."

Act your shoe size, not your IQ

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

I'm not your type; I'm not inflatable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you had 2 brains,one would be bored

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She's seen more Japs eyes than a tokyo opticians

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"She's seen more Japs eyes than a tokyo opticians"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you fell into a pond they'd be skimming stupid off the surface for a week

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

youve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

your a f..king tw.t

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

I liked one I read about a Sunderland player at the weekend...

He is letting his football do the talking, unfortunately he is talking shite.

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By *B9 Queen OP Woman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"your a f..king tw.t"

Insulting? Yup. Witty. Nope.

But perhaps you were being ironic.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you've got a face like a bulldog licking piss of a thistle

and you've seen more japs eyes than a Japanese optician

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley

I like your approach now lets see your departure

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

It's better to let people think you a twat than open you mouth and prove it beyond all probable doubt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's better to let people think you a twat than open you mouth and prove it beyond all probable doubt

i believe that line will get you a ban on here if used in a thread

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

Sticking up for my mate....

Hey my mate said you wasn't fit to eat with pigs,

I stuck up for you and I said you was!

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By *ogistical NightmaresCouple
over a year ago

Manchester Area

Shes had that much cum on her, she looks like a plasterers radio

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By *ackandkateCouple
over a year ago

Truro

I'm not sayin' she's a heavy smoker, but she don't have periods anymore, she has a fall of soot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Look down take it out on me cos the only way you can get off is by wanking over old family photos.

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