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Terrified of sex

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I used to be pretty wild and was quite experimental in the past. I'm ashamed of that.

Now it's gotten to the point where I hate when people talk to me about sex. I don't want to know what turns them on.

I want a real relationship, just without the expectation of daily/weekly/monthly sex.

Not normal, right?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went thru a phase like that not liking sex talk cos i saw myself as a dad not a man with sexual needs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Totally normal, could you be asexual?

I know a couple of asexual people who were more wild and promiscuous than all my other friends, they did so as they did not understand how they felt and were searching for something that they would never find.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a father to two young kids. I was the same. I lost my mojo.

I didn’t feel attractive or attracted. Felt numb to the idea of sex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went through similar.

Sex was seedy.

I got into arguments with any guy that paid me a compliment.

The thought of sex made me feel sick.

For me, a lot of it was a confidence and trust issue.

Don't force it, if you don't feel it , you don't feel it.

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By *ack688Man
over a year ago

abruzzo Italy (and UK)

Just out of curiosity, what is it about having been wild and experimental that you’re now ashamed of?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I've thought about this actually.

I want someone in my life that I can cuddle up to and hold hands with etc., I just don't want the expectation that every kiss will turn into sex.

I still find people attractive so I don't think I'm completely asexual.

It's very confusing!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Having a high number.

Being slut shamed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've thought about this actually.

I want someone in my life that I can cuddle up to and hold hands with etc., I just don't want the expectation that every kiss will turn into sex.

I still find people attractive so I don't think I'm completely asexual.

It's very confusing! "
advertise for cuddle buddy only and go from there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Having a high number.

Being slut shamed. "
you know you dont have to tell anyone its not a rule

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Definitely not normal and I'd say what you want wouldn't be fair to your partner. Better of staying single and not having sex that way

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Having a high number.

Being slut shamed. "

Hugs should never be shamed off your past

And so what if you have high numbers dosent make the person any less desirable

Maybe my method could come in handy

Inbrace it take the power back

When someone try’s to

My go to

Yes I am a “4 letter bad word” so what

But hi at least us “4 letter bad words” have all the fun and never lonely at night

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There’s no such thing as not normal. Normal to you could be totally strange to me and vice versa. If you’re happy not wanting sex then that’s fine. Obviously if you feel like you want to have sex but don’t like the thought of it maybe you should speak to someone about it.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

If you're genuinely terrified that's not a good place to be

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Definitely not normal and I'd say what you want wouldn't be fair to your partner. Better of staying single and not having sex that way "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've thought about this actually.

I want someone in my life that I can cuddle up to and hold hands with etc., I just don't want the expectation that every kiss will turn into sex.

I still find people attractive so I don't think I'm completely asexual.

It's very confusing! "

It's a spectrum. There's good info online.

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By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

Normal is something you are comfortable and makes you happy.

Everyone changes throughout their life in all sorts of ways. You probably dislike foods you didn't a few years ago and you won't be embarrassed about that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I used to be pretty wild and was quite experimental in the past. I'm ashamed of that.

Now it's gotten to the point where I hate when people talk to me about sex. I don't want to know what turns them on.

I want a real relationship, just without the expectation of daily/weekly/monthly sex.

Not normal, right? "

I'm exactly the same

I tend to stay away from men now partly because of this and partly for other reasons

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

Sex is meh.

I much prefer other forms of intimacy that far exceed a mechanical motion followed by a spurt.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham


"Definitely not normal and I'd say what you want wouldn't be fair to your partner. Better of staying single and not having sex that way

"

Agree, how dare a woman not want sex every five minutes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Definitely not normal and I'd say what you want wouldn't be fair to your partner. Better of staying single and not having sex that way "

Wowzers

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

OP I think it is a phase you are going through. Might even be hormone linked?

If you feel really bad about it talk to someone professional.

If you just wanted to know if it happens to other people, then the answer is yes

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By *uteLittleGeekWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere


"I've thought about this actually.

I want someone in my life that I can cuddle up to and hold hands with etc., I just don't want the expectation that every kiss will turn into sex.

I still find people attractive so I don't think I'm completely asexual.

It's very confusing! "

It is not confusing.

I hear you.

I am the same. Although I never used to have much sex anyway.

You are probably at the stage of your life where you want different things. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Please don’t think that something is wrong with you Because it isn’t.

I would rather prefer to wait for a meaningful kiss then have a wild sex with someone.

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By *uteLittleGeekWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere


"Normal is something you are comfortable and makes you happy.

Everyone changes throughout their life in all sorts of ways. You probably dislike foods you didn't a few years ago and you won't be embarrassed about that. "

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

I can understand being put off by sexting and flirty messages if you're not bf/gf or buddies but not wanting to talk about sex 'as a total' is a worry.

Talking about sex shouldn't be a chore and neither should be your likes and dislikes as even if you find someone you're going to have to tell them what's good and bad.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thank you everyone for your lovely supportive comments.

It's funny that it's a swinging site I'm getting the support from eh?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am the same. I have avoided sex and have no desire for it. It's all the worse because I'm a man. There have been those who have questioned why I'm on this site, as if seeking companionship is dependent only on sexual activity.

Fortunately, there are many more who don't question it and accept me as I am. The irony is that it is the friends I have made here who have helped understand and be more accepting of myself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My issue is your description 'expected to have sex'

If you interpret every bit of intimacy you recieve from your partner as them 'expecting' sex rather than then simply enjoying sharing an intimate moment with you you will end up turning down every single little bit of intimacy.

From personal experience that is heart breaking to be on the receiving end of. I'd suggest that if you want a normal relationship you find a way to break the connection between intimacy and sex because every time a man shows you intimacy it isn't an expectation sex. Expecting a partner to be physically tactile with you and give cuddles and snuggles but treat every act of intimacy as a demand for sex it utterly unfair. This exact behaviour resulted in me having a breakdown and walking away from my marriage. 6 years on and just reading your post brought back floods of bad memories.

Please deal with your issues before you expect someone else to take them on.

Mr

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And a night of horrendous dreams

Mr

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My issue is your description 'expected to have sex'

If you interpret every bit of intimacy you recieve from your partner as them 'expecting' sex rather than then simply enjoying sharing an intimate moment with you you will end up turning down every single little bit of intimacy.

From personal experience that is heart breaking to be on the receiving end of. I'd suggest that if you want a normal relationship you find a way to break the connection between intimacy and sex because every time a man shows you intimacy it isn't an expectation sex. Expecting a partner to be physically tactile with you and give cuddles and snuggles but treat every act of intimacy as a demand for sex it utterly unfair. This exact behaviour resulted in me having a breakdown and walking away from my marriage. 6 years on and just reading your post brought back floods of bad memories.

Please deal with your issues before you expect someone else to take them on.

Mr"

This is extremely tough on both sides of the fence. My male long term partner purposly put himself on the sofa for 18mths before we split. Any engagement on my part was very strongly rebuffed. We'd do some kind of weird ' cousin kiss' on a really good day

I just felt beyond empty, crushed so much of the time. And I'd asked if it was me? Offered we went to counselling? Tried to talk it out? No 'bitching', no fighting... Just basically living completely seperate lives. It was such a relief when he left. And I frankly felt quite ashamed to say he'd lost all sexual interests in me... Because they say that's its only a 'woman getting bored?'

But... If you're not feeling 'it', with either your partner, nor prospective one's. Then you can't stir an urge where there isn't one

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By *JstarsoloWoman
over a year ago

Wombwell, Barnsley

I was really sad to read this. And some of the life experiences from both sides is heartbreaking. Please get professional help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My issue is your description 'expected to have sex'

If you interpret every bit of intimacy you recieve from your partner as them 'expecting' sex rather than then simply enjoying sharing an intimate moment with you you will end up turning down every single little bit of intimacy.

From personal experience that is heart breaking to be on the receiving end of. I'd suggest that if you want a normal relationship you find a way to break the connection between intimacy and sex because every time a man shows you intimacy it isn't an expectation sex. Expecting a partner to be physically tactile with you and give cuddles and snuggles but treat every act of intimacy as a demand for sex it utterly unfair. This exact behaviour resulted in me having a breakdown and walking away from my marriage. 6 years on and just reading your post brought back floods of bad memories.

Please deal with your issues before you expect someone else to take them on.

Mr

This is extremely tough on both sides of the fence. My male long term partner purposly put himself on the sofa for 18mths before we split. Any engagement on my part was very strongly rebuffed. We'd do some kind of weird ' cousin kiss' on a really good day

I just felt beyond empty, crushed so much of the time. And I'd asked if it was me? Offered we went to counselling? Tried to talk it out? No 'bitching', no fighting... Just basically living completely seperate lives. It was such a relief when he left. And I frankly felt quite ashamed to say he'd lost all sexual interests in me... Because they say that's its only a 'woman getting bored?'

But... If you're not feeling 'it', with either your partner, nor prospective one's. Then you can't stir an urge where there isn't one "

For me there is a big difference between not wanting sex - no one is entitled to have sex with you - and seeing intimacy as a sign sex is expected. Intimacy is what makes the physical connections of a romantic relationship different to any other. We hug our dogs, kiss our mums, hold hands with our children. It's only our partners that we give their bums a cheeky squeeze or slide a hand inside a loose bit of clothing whilst hugging. It's only our partners whose neck we nuzzle, whose throat we nibble. I'd suggest if the OP wants hugs but considers any intimacy as an expectation of receiving more she gets herself a dog - though tbf even they're puzzled if they try to nuzzle up for some attention and you either outright blank them or push them away.

Mr

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By *carlettxWoman
over a year ago

Essex

My desire for sex has been at an all time low this last year or so. Don’t get me wrong I love it once into it but the actual desire / need for it thst I used to have is most definitely not there. I’ve been in HRT since end of last year hoping that would make an improvement but I don’t really think it has.

I genuinely think it’s because I don’t feel as sexy in myself like I once did. I know from the outside people would find that hard to believe but I’m actually really not that confident at all and still suffer from years of being in a verbally abusive relationship thst I escaped from 10 years ago

And that’s not a ‘please praise me’ reply before I get jumped on lol. That’s from the heart

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My issue is your description 'expected to have sex'

If you interpret every bit of intimacy you recieve from your partner as them 'expecting' sex rather than then simply enjoying sharing an intimate moment with you you will end up turning down every single little bit of intimacy.

From personal experience that is heart breaking to be on the receiving end of. I'd suggest that if you want a normal relationship you find a way to break the connection between intimacy and sex because every time a man shows you intimacy it isn't an expectation sex. Expecting a partner to be physically tactile with you and give cuddles and snuggles but treat every act of intimacy as a demand for sex it utterly unfair. This exact behaviour resulted in me having a breakdown and walking away from my marriage. 6 years on and just reading your post brought back floods of bad memories.

Please deal with your issues before you expect someone else to take them on.

Mr

This is extremely tough on both sides of the fence. My male long term partner purposly put himself on the sofa for 18mths before we split. Any engagement on my part was very strongly rebuffed. We'd do some kind of weird ' cousin kiss' on a really good day

I just felt beyond empty, crushed so much of the time. And I'd asked if it was me? Offered we went to counselling? Tried to talk it out? No 'bitching', no fighting... Just basically living completely seperate lives. It was such a relief when he left. And I frankly felt quite ashamed to say he'd lost all sexual interests in me... Because they say that's its only a 'woman getting bored?'

But... If you're not feeling 'it', with either your partner, nor prospective one's. Then you can't stir an urge where there isn't one

For me there is a big difference between not wanting sex - no one is entitled to have sex with you - and seeing intimacy as a sign sex is expected. Intimacy is what makes the physical connections of a romantic relationship different to any other. We hug our dogs, kiss our mums, hold hands with our children. It's only our partners that we give their bums a cheeky squeeze or slide a hand inside a loose bit of clothing whilst hugging. It's only our partners whose neck we nuzzle, whose throat we nibble. I'd suggest if the OP wants hugs but considers any intimacy as an expectation of receiving more she gets herself a dog - though tbf even they're puzzled if they try to nuzzle up for some attention and you either outright blank them or push them away.

Mr"

To be fair I think OP is just suggesting she'd like the option of finding a partner/situation that doesn't always have to lead to sex? And no, that doesn't mean buying a dog? Lots of folk want actual relationships where sex isn't included.

I was just wading in with with my own personal experience... And I do own a dog, but that's not sexual. Although my daughter says I baby him too much

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My issue is your description 'expected to have sex'

If you interpret every bit of intimacy you recieve from your partner as them 'expecting' sex rather than then simply enjoying sharing an intimate moment with you you will end up turning down every single little bit of intimacy.

From personal experience that is heart breaking to be on the receiving end of. I'd suggest that if you want a normal relationship you find a way to break the connection between intimacy and sex because every time a man shows you intimacy it isn't an expectation sex. Expecting a partner to be physically tactile with you and give cuddles and snuggles but treat every act of intimacy as a demand for sex it utterly unfair. This exact behaviour resulted in me having a breakdown and walking away from my marriage. 6 years on and just reading your post brought back floods of bad memories.

Please deal with your issues before you expect someone else to take them on.

Mr

This is extremely tough on both sides of the fence. My male long term partner purposly put himself on the sofa for 18mths before we split. Any engagement on my part was very strongly rebuffed. We'd do some kind of weird ' cousin kiss' on a really good day

I just felt beyond empty, crushed so much of the time. And I'd asked if it was me? Offered we went to counselling? Tried to talk it out? No 'bitching', no fighting... Just basically living completely seperate lives. It was such a relief when he left. And I frankly felt quite ashamed to say he'd lost all sexual interests in me... Because they say that's its only a 'woman getting bored?'

But... If you're not feeling 'it', with either your partner, nor prospective one's. Then you can't stir an urge where there isn't one

For me there is a big difference between not wanting sex - no one is entitled to have sex with you - and seeing intimacy as a sign sex is expected. Intimacy is what makes the physical connections of a romantic relationship different to any other. We hug our dogs, kiss our mums, hold hands with our children. It's only our partners that we give their bums a cheeky squeeze or slide a hand inside a loose bit of clothing whilst hugging. It's only our partners whose neck we nuzzle, whose throat we nibble. I'd suggest if the OP wants hugs but considers any intimacy as an expectation of receiving more she gets herself a dog - though tbf even they're puzzled if they try to nuzzle up for some attention and you either outright blank them or push them away.

Mr

"

I understand the need for intimacy from my partner. I agree that it is important and how being denied it, even unintentionally, is soul destroying. In my case, I didn't match my partner's sexual appetite and no matter how much else I tried to compensate for it, it didn't stop her sating herself with others, which destroyed our intimacy and everything else in the relationship and in turn, I became a shell of a man.

Sometimes, intimacy isn't enough when there is mismatched sexual appetite. It's a matter of finding someone with a matching need for intimacy and sexual appetite perhaps, I don't know.

For me, I avoid relationships because I can't face the loss of intimacy because I can't fulfil their sexual need again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/06/22 06:38:29]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" For me there is a big difference between not wanting sex - no one is entitled to have sex with you - and seeing intimacy as a sign sex is expected. Intimacy is what makes the physical connections of a romantic relationship different to any other. We hug our dogs, kiss our mums, hold hands with our children. It's only our partners that we give their bums a cheeky squeeze or slide a hand inside a loose bit of clothing whilst hugging. It's only our partners whose neck we nuzzle, whose throat we nibble. I'd suggest if the OP wants hugs but considers any intimacy as an expectation of receiving more she gets herself a dog - though tbf even they're puzzled if they try to nuzzle up for some attention and you either outright blank them or push them away.

Mr

To be fair I think OP is just suggesting she'd like the option of finding a partner/situation that doesn't always have to lead to sex? And no, that doesn't mean buying a dog? Lots of folk want actual relationships where sex isn't included.

I was just wading in with with my own personal experience... And I do own a dog, but that's not sexual. Although my daughter says I baby him too much "

1NorthernDelight, I agree. I don't think the OP is saying she would deny her partner any intimacy. I think she longs to be intimate but doesn't feel the desire to have it lead to sex as an expectation or outcome of it every time, which is perhaps her experience of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not normal? What is normal?

I drawn to sex in different ways with different people. Wild and filthy with one type of girl and something more intense and sensual with another.

But I definitely feel more at home talking about sex and being open than being scared of talking about it as maybe I was in the past. But that’s because all my friends and Exwife seemed so damn conservative.

Op, you’re like the complete opppsite of myself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

To be fair I think OP is just suggesting she'd like the option of finding a partner/situation that doesn't always have to lead to sex? And no, that doesn't mean buying a dog? Lots of folk want actual relationships where sex isn't included.

I was just wading in with with my own personal experience... And I do own a dog, but that's not sexual. Although my daughter says I baby him too much

1NorthernDelight, I agree. I don't think the OP is saying she would deny her partner any intimacy. I think she longs to be intimate but doesn't feel the desire to have it lead to sex as an expectation or outcome of it every time, which is perhaps her experience of it."

I am probably not responding to this in the best way, it has triggered a massive emotional reaction in me, a night of bad dreams, crying my eyes out getting ready for work this morning, suicidal thoughts trying to creep back in and this is 5 years on - (no need to worry, it's reading now, I've just pulled the van over to get these thoughts down)

Totally agree, there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that doesn't contain sex (though I believe this needs to be made very clear from the outset and needs to be mutual and consistent, ie, not a case of I can expect it when I am horny but don't you dare come near me any other time)

What upset me was the OP's second post and the wording 'expectation that every kiss will turn into sex'. This again is very likely me reading my own situation into her words but to me, a relationship where you are second guessing your partners intentions every time they show intimacy is deeply unhealthy. If, when you're kissing your partner, you have a part of your brain that's assessing the kiss to decide if it is platonic enough or carries the risk of arousing him too much your relationship is fundamentally flawed. Kisses are for sharing and enjoying for whatever they are and whatever they develop into - not for one partner to be policing to control the "correct" level of intimacy.

To give a bit of background, in my marriage, unlike your description, my wife didn't want to keep away from me, we were very affectionate, we even had sex about once a week. The issue was that outside of the occasions she wanted sex, intimacy was forbidden. Any kiss that lingered too much was physically pushed away, hands would be lifted/ pushed off. A sleepy wandering hand that went to cup a boob for example while cuddling would get a huff and a tut and a full body roll away. The next night though, if she wanted sex I was expected to respond appropriately. In the end, I would just pretend to be asleep when I knew she was after an orgasm. A relationship without sex is perfectly fine but without intimacy isn't healthy to my mind. One where one partner attributes expectations to their partners behaviours that may or may not be there and where that partner reacts to assumed motives is definitely abusive.

Mr

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I suspect that many women (and fair number of men as well) go through this feeling that any intimacy with their partner will lead to a 'demand for sex'

My late partner got into that mind set, and it is so frustrating for the other partner, wanting to show love and affection but being rebuffed. It took a number of years for her to accept that a hug was just a hug, not a clumsy attempt at foreplay.

I, like many other men on here, stated to seek out other guys for the physical sexual contact that I wanted/needed.

I know many of you will disagree, but being with another man wasn't cheating, it was "just sex".

To the OP and others, there is no normal that we have to conform to, you and your partners will have to come to terms with your feelings in your own way.

There's not many mentions of the L-word in the thread, but love can help you find your way.

I hope that all of you who are struggling find your own ways to overcome this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My desire for sex has been at an all time low this last year or so. Don’t get me wrong I love it once into it but the actual desire / need for it thst I used to have is most definitely not there. I’ve been in HRT since end of last year hoping that would make an improvement but I don’t really think it has.

I genuinely think it’s because I don’t feel as sexy in myself like I once did. I know from the outside people would find that hard to believe but I’m actually really not that confident at all and still suffer from years of being in a verbally abusive relationship thst I escaped from 10 years ago

And that’s not a ‘please praise me’ reply before I get jumped on lol. That’s from the heart "

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By *rivervaderMan
over a year ago

bolton


"

To be fair I think OP is just suggesting she'd like the option of finding a partner/situation that doesn't always have to lead to sex? And no, that doesn't mean buying a dog? Lots of folk want actual relationships where sex isn't included.

I was just wading in with with my own personal experience... And I do own a dog, but that's not sexual. Although my daughter says I baby him too much

1NorthernDelight, I agree. I don't think the OP is saying she would deny her partner any intimacy. I think she longs to be intimate but doesn't feel the desire to have it lead to sex as an expectation or outcome of it every time, which is perhaps her experience of it.

I am probably not responding to this in the best way, it has triggered a massive emotional reaction in me, a night of bad dreams, crying my eyes out getting ready for work this morning, suicidal thoughts trying to creep back in and this is 5 years on - (no need to worry, it's reading now, I've just pulled the van over to get these thoughts down)

Totally agree, there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that doesn't contain sex (though I believe this needs to be made very clear from the outset and needs to be mutual and consistent, ie, not a case of I can expect it when I am horny but don't you dare come near me any other time)

What upset me was the OP's second post and the wording 'expectation that every kiss will turn into sex'. This again is very likely me reading my own situation into her words but to me, a relationship where you are second guessing your partners intentions every time they show intimacy is deeply unhealthy. If, when you're kissing your partner, you have a part of your brain that's assessing the kiss to decide if it is platonic enough or carries the risk of arousing him too much your relationship is fundamentally flawed. Kisses are for sharing and enjoying for whatever they are and whatever they develop into - not for one partner to be policing to control the "correct" level of intimacy.

To give a bit of background, in my marriage, unlike your description, my wife didn't want to keep away from me, we were very affectionate, we even had sex about once a week. The issue was that outside of the occasions she wanted sex, intimacy was forbidden. Any kiss that lingered too much was physically pushed away, hands would be lifted/ pushed off. A sleepy wandering hand that went to cup a boob for example while cuddling would get a huff and a tut and a full body roll away. The next night though, if she wanted sex I was expected to respond appropriately. In the end, I would just pretend to be asleep when I knew she was after an orgasm. A relationship without sex is perfectly fine but without intimacy isn't healthy to my mind. One where one partner attributes expectations to their partners behaviours that may or may not be there and where that partner reacts to assumed motives is definitely abusive.

Mr"

This is me totally you put it into words way better than me this is the reason I’m on here I just want abit of loving so t matter if it leads to sex or not I just want to be held by a woman but it’s deemed wrong because I am married

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

To be fair I think OP is just suggesting she'd like the option of finding a partner/situation that doesn't always have to lead to sex? And no, that doesn't mean buying a dog? Lots of folk want actual relationships where sex isn't included.

I was just wading in with with my own personal experience... And I do own a dog, but that's not sexual. Although my daughter says I baby him too much

1NorthernDelight, I agree. I don't think the OP is saying she would deny her partner any intimacy. I think she longs to be intimate but doesn't feel the desire to have it lead to sex as an expectation or outcome of it every time, which is perhaps her experience of it.

I am probably not responding to this in the best way, it has triggered a massive emotional reaction in me, a night of bad dreams, crying my eyes out getting ready for work this morning, suicidal thoughts trying to creep back in and this is 5 years on - (no need to worry, it's reading now, I've just pulled the van over to get these thoughts down)

Totally agree, there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that doesn't contain sex (though I believe this needs to be made very clear from the outset and needs to be mutual and consistent, ie, not a case of I can expect it when I am horny but don't you dare come near me any other time)

What upset me was the OP's second post and the wording 'expectation that every kiss will turn into sex'. This again is very likely me reading my own situation into her words but to me, a relationship where you are second guessing your partners intentions every time they show intimacy is deeply unhealthy. If, when you're kissing your partner, you have a part of your brain that's assessing the kiss to decide if it is platonic enough or carries the risk of arousing him too much your relationship is fundamentally flawed. Kisses are for sharing and enjoying for whatever they are and whatever they develop into - not for one partner to be policing to control the "correct" level of intimacy.

To give a bit of background, in my marriage, unlike your description, my wife didn't want to keep away from me, we were very affectionate, we even had sex about once a week. The issue was that outside of the occasions she wanted sex, intimacy was forbidden. Any kiss that lingered too much was physically pushed away, hands would be lifted/ pushed off. A sleepy wandering hand that went to cup a boob for example while cuddling would get a huff and a tut and a full body roll away. The next night though, if she wanted sex I was expected to respond appropriately. In the end, I would just pretend to be asleep when I knew she was after an orgasm. A relationship without sex is perfectly fine but without intimacy isn't healthy to my mind. One where one partner attributes expectations to their partners behaviours that may or may not be there and where that partner reacts to assumed motives is definitely abusive.

Mr

This is me totally you put it into words way better than me this is the reason I’m on here I just want abit of loving so t matter if it leads to sex or not I just want to be held by a woman but it’s deemed wrong because I am married "

But without being a dick... You could leave your marriage? I have zero issues with folk who are married and seeking intimacy elsewhere... But I do think my statement has been taken several times out of context unfortunately

As a woman.. I was in a very unloving, zero sex, unwelcoming relationship. My behaviour towards my male partner was rebuffed, I was offering intimacy/sex/affection on a daily basis, and rejected. Basically told to 'bugger off'... Shamefully. This as awful as it is for men (and apparently v common). Is so much less vocalised for women perhaps? Women rarely get to state, 'no, my partner rejected sex' again', nor he told me to go to bed because, 'he was too tired/had a headache/couldn't be bothered', every single time Because 'men always want sex'.. Of course they don't! But to always hear that they don't from their partner is pretty demoralising too...

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By *rivervaderMan
over a year ago

bolton


"

To be fair I think OP is just suggesting she'd like the option of finding a partner/situation that doesn't always have to lead to sex? And no, that doesn't mean buying a dog? Lots of folk want actual relationships where sex isn't included.

I was just wading in with with my own personal experience... And I do own a dog, but that's not sexual. Although my daughter says I baby him too much

1NorthernDelight, I agree. I don't think the OP is saying she would deny her partner any intimacy. I think she longs to be intimate but doesn't feel the desire to have it lead to sex as an expectation or outcome of it every time, which is perhaps her experience of it.

I am probably not responding to this in the best way, it has triggered a massive emotional reaction in me, a night of bad dreams, crying my eyes out getting ready for work this morning, suicidal thoughts trying to creep back in and this is 5 years on - (no need to worry, it's reading now, I've just pulled the van over to get these thoughts down)

Totally agree, there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that doesn't contain sex (though I believe this needs to be made very clear from the outset and needs to be mutual and consistent, ie, not a case of I can expect it when I am horny but don't you dare come near me any other time)

What upset me was the OP's second post and the wording 'expectation that every kiss will turn into sex'. This again is very likely me reading my own situation into her words but to me, a relationship where you are second guessing your partners intentions every time they show intimacy is deeply unhealthy. If, when you're kissing your partner, you have a part of your brain that's assessing the kiss to decide if it is platonic enough or carries the risk of arousing him too much your relationship is fundamentally flawed. Kisses are for sharing and enjoying for whatever they are and whatever they develop into - not for one partner to be policing to control the "correct" level of intimacy.

To give a bit of background, in my marriage, unlike your description, my wife didn't want to keep away from me, we were very affectionate, we even had sex about once a week. The issue was that outside of the occasions she wanted sex, intimacy was forbidden. Any kiss that lingered too much was physically pushed away, hands would be lifted/ pushed off. A sleepy wandering hand that went to cup a boob for example while cuddling would get a huff and a tut and a full body roll away. The next night though, if she wanted sex I was expected to respond appropriately. In the end, I would just pretend to be asleep when I knew she was after an orgasm. A relationship without sex is perfectly fine but without intimacy isn't healthy to my mind. One where one partner attributes expectations to their partners behaviours that may or may not be there and where that partner reacts to assumed motives is definitely abusive.

Mr

This is me totally you put it into words way better than me this is the reason I’m on here I just want abit of loving so t matter if it leads to sex or not I just want to be held by a woman but it’s deemed wrong because I am married

But without being a dick... You could leave your marriage? I have zero issues with folk who are married and seeking intimacy elsewhere... But I do think my statement has been taken several times out of context unfortunately

As a woman.. I was in a very unloving, zero sex, unwelcoming relationship. My behaviour towards my male partner was rebuffed, I was offering intimacy/sex/affection on a daily basis, and rejected. Basically told to 'bugger off'... Shamefully. This as awful as it is for men (and apparently v common). Is so much less vocalised for women perhaps? Women rarely get to state, 'no, my partner rejected sex' again', nor he told me to go to bed because, 'he was too tired/had a headache/couldn't be bothered', every single time Because 'men always want sex'.. Of course they don't! But to always hear that they don't from their partner is pretty demoralising too... "

I agree but after 25 years of marriage you don’t stop loving them even though you feel unwanted

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