FabSwingers.com forum: Leaving a partner

By *Vine OP Man
over a year ago

The right place

For those of you that have gone through breakups with a long term partner. Do you have any top tips about the process?

Either things to make it easier or things to avoid.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paramount

Keep it as amicable as you can in front of your children. Remember - you loved each other once

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By *ack688Man
over a year ago

abruzzo Italy (and UK)

Be honest, about why you don’t want to be together anymore, about whether anyone else is involved and about what type of level of contact/friendship you want going forward. Is it going to come as a surprise to your partner? Have you considered couples counselling? They can help you both navigate a separation amicably instead of trying to find ways to keep you together, you just need to say what it is you’re trying to achieve. Money and property and children issues are always the hardest things to negotiate and maybe consider using an arbitrator before involving lawyers. Your partner is likely to be hurt, angry, very upset and not necessarily always rational at least in the short term, try not to react back to any outbursts they may have, sit and let them say what they need to and stay calm, don’t say anything you will regret later and never get angry back.

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By *iromancergirl1Woman
over a year ago

bolton

Time is a healer slow yourself to grive the loss after 25 years together I’m 3 years in to rebuilding my life as a single person and there are still times it hurts like it was yesterday but I now believe it’s possible

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By *Vine OP Man
over a year ago

The right place

Thanks for the advice. All very helpful.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bookmarking

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"Be honest, about why you don’t want to be together anymore, about whether anyone else is involved and about what type of level of contact/friendship you want going forward. Is it going to come as a surprise to your partner? Have you considered couples counselling? They can help you both navigate a separation amicably instead of trying to find ways to keep you together, you just need to say what it is you’re trying to achieve. Money and property and children issues are always the hardest things to negotiate and maybe consider using an arbitrator before involving lawyers. Your partner is likely to be hurt, angry, very upset and not necessarily always rational at least in the short term, try not to react back to any outbursts they may have, sit and let them say what they need to and stay calm, don’t say anything you will regret later and never get angry back."

I agree with this. My toughest break ups have been when they haven't been totally honest and because it ends up not making sense. For example, I went through a break up when I was 22 where he told me he never really loved me and it left me dwelling on it for ages for how I could have been so sure he did. I think he thought it would make it easier for me to move on or something but it didn't. He also responded very angrily to me when I got upset when he posted something jokey and flirty about other women on social media about 2 weeks after our break up. At my age now I wouldn't have ever said anything but it would still have stung. I'm quite forgiving of my 22 year old self however for lacking in self restraint when hurt. He however still beats himself up for how he responded to me about it and also for the break up as a whole. We're still on good terms now and it turns out he decided the distance wasn't working after he graduated and to be honest I agree with him. It would have been a lot easier if he had just said that at the time though

Another is the whole "it's not yoi it's me" and "you deserve better than me". Most people know its bullshit and again it leaves you dwelling over it for longer. Obviously it's not easy to hear why someone doesn't want to be with you anymore but trying to cushion the blow often just leaves them more confused and hung up on it for longer trying to figure out what happened.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Set out, for yourself, what you want in the future. Keep communicating and remain honest. Don't try and control what you can't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We've covered this before but my advice still remains the same..

Take them to the cemetery. When they ask who died, say our relationship. Walk away and leave them to grieve the loss of you.

You're welcome.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here if anyone wants to chat, not long divorced, can offer some advice if anyone is after it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We've covered this before but my advice still remains the same..

Take them to the cemetery. When they ask who died, say our relationship. Walk away and leave them to grieve the loss of you.

You're welcome."

Cold but excellent none the less.

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By *nimal007Couple
over a year ago

Manchester

like others have said try and keep it as amicable as possible. if divorce is required try and save you self a fortune by doing it yourself it is really easy if you can agree fair asset splits.

Sry to hear your going through it. It sucks at the time but once the dust has settled it is for the best. I have never been happy than since i split with my ex...and it wasnt all her fault i was miserable either just a factor

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

Leaving my partner of 25years was the hardest thing I ever done but also the best. It has been a tough journey but by staying strong and believing in myself the pathway ahead is now looking much smoother.

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

I was coming up to my 40th birthday and also our 20 year anniversary, things hadn’t been good for years, I tried to hang in there for the kids as you do, in the end I knew he was planning to see someone else so I just had a conversation with him basically saying we both knew deep down it had run it’s course, no screaming, no yelling, no blaming and shaming, just a proper heart to heart, also I said you’ve already got someone else in the background so why don’t you go and make a life with her.

Basically I just got in with my own life without them in it, I know it’s not always that easy but I hope it can be for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As others have said where kids are involved try to be as amicable as you can, especially in front of the kids. And also try not to use the kids against each other.

Beyond that if things do deteriorate find a decent solicitor whom is looking after your interests and not just wanting to get the case resolved. Then expect the process to take awhile however it does get easier!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Vinyls. Hopefully she doesn’t know the value of them. Grab them all of you can.

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By *eneralPMan
over a year ago

other

Try not to go around shagging anything that moves as this just covers up the invariable pain you may be feeling. Allow yourself time to get over it, take up a new social hobby (friends are weird post break up especially couple friends), get counselling.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Try not to go around shagging anything that moves as this just covers up the invariable pain you may be feeling. Allow yourself time to get over it, take up a new social hobby (friends are weird post break up especially couple friends), get counselling.

How long do you suggest before we go shagging anything that moves? Asking for friends?

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By *eneralPMan
over a year ago

other

How long do you suggest before we go shagging anything that moves? Asking for friends?

Well I didn’t wait but that led to an emotional fall out being delayed and therefore probably impacting me longer.

I know you were asking in jest but…

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Get good legal advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can only offer advice if your partner is an absolute fucking dick.

This is where my expertise is.

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By *Vine OP Man
over a year ago

The right place

"I can only offer advice if your partner is an absolute fucking dick.

This is where my expertise is. "

Luckily not the case for me. At least currently.

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By *lexV16Man
over a year ago

Welling

Do:

- Go to a couples counselling, it’ll help to clear the reasons for break up

- Be reasonable

- Stay calm

- Try to negotiate as much as possible before mediators and lowers are involved

- make sure good lawyers are involved if previous point isn’t going good.

- Get your self individual counselling post separation

Don’t

- don’t say anything you can potentially regret

- don’t blame (yourself, your partners or circumstances)

- don’t use kids to punish other half if they are involved

- DON’T look back, if you decided to do it - do it!

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By *oly Fuck Sticks BatmanCouple
over a year ago

here & there

"Paramount

Keep it as amicable as you can in front of your children. Remember - you loved each other once"

A thousand percent this! We would add having each other’s back when it comes to discipline, bed times etc.. otherwise there’s always going to be friction with a “well mum/dad let’s me do it”

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By *aughty but nice...Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Paramount

Keep it as amicable as you can in front of your children. Remember - you loved each other once"

This

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unless you have children you can leave and block if in a toxic situation, with kids it's a bit trickier to navigate the situation but if you have to communicate, keep it about the kids only and keep contact to a bare minimum with your ex

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Be clear. Be honest. Be kind to all involved, including yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can only offer advice if your partner is an absolute fucking dick.

This is where my expertise is.

Luckily not the case for me. At least currently. "

I suggest doing it quickly then. Your naivety is on your side….

*it’s making light of a bid situation I know. It’s a joke…but not really.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Turn off the “memories” on Facebook or other socials.

You can turn them back on eventually, but constantly looking back makes it hard to move forward x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We've covered this before but my advice still remains the same..

Take them to the cemetery. When they ask who died, say our relationship. Walk away and leave them to grieve the loss of you.

You're welcome."

harsh lol

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By *bw44DDWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham

"For those of you that have gone through breakups with a long term partner. Do you have any top tips about the process?

Either things to make it easier or things to avoid. "

I think it’s different for everyone. I went through different emotions throughout each day. Grief, anger, numbness, pain, sorrow, disbelief, calmness and sometimes I felt nothing.

For me when I got divorced that helped me. It was the closure I needed.

I would’ve liked to of stayed amicable, after all there are so many good memories throughout a relationship. Sadly that couldn’t happen and I now have no contact with my ex.

As much as people can give you advice, you need to find what helps you and find your own way of dealing with it.

Some days are good, some days are bad. But you will cope and you will get over it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh. Come off every social media that connects you both. You’ll remember this comment if you don’t and you will think ‘why didn’t I take woodys advice!’ When you see something you’d rather not.

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

"Paramount

Keep it as amicable as you can in front of your children. Remember - you loved each other once"

Cannot agree with this more! My relationship ended badly, I won't go into details but we made sure that no matter what went on between us we stayed amicable in front of or whenever we have to talk about the kids, at the end of the day the relationship ending is nothing that they have done it's between the two of you and they need to see that even though mum and dad are separated they are still loved bt both of them the same as they always were x

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Oh. Come off every social media that connects you both. You’ll remember this comment if you don’t and you will think ‘why didn’t I take woodys advice!’ When you see something you’d rather not.

Yup

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can only offer advice if your partner is an absolute fucking dick.

This is where my expertise is. "

Hahahahaa same!!

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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster

"For those of you that have gone through breakups with a long term partner. Do you have any top tips about the process?

Either things to make it easier or things to avoid. "

Set boundaries with communication. Try and keep things as factual as possible, and don't get dragged into arguments. If there are children make sure they aren't used as pawns. If your ex tries to drag things down to gutter level don't go there. Politely bring them back on topic.

As bad as it sounds it can be a bit like puppy training. Ignore bad behaviour and engage with positive behaviour.

Take time for yourself, and make sure you eat and sleep well. As much as getting smashed may appeal its a depressant.

Hopefully you have a trustworthy support network. Speaking of which, prepare to lose some friends you had together. Its not fair to make them pick sides. Culling your social media friends is also useful. I've had friends who had exes stalk them via mutual contacts.

Hope some of this helps.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Try and do something you enjoy or go on holiday.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Keep things civil. Keep a sense of humour and a sense of perspective.

It won’t be a straight forward all is rosey road to shared parenting straight off the bat. There will be learning curves and maybe harsh words. But have patience and you’ll get there.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

It depends on why there is a break up too.

It cannot always be amicable

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By *hoirCouple
over a year ago

Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds

"For those of you that have gone through breakups with a long term partner. Do you have any top tips about the process?

Either things to make it easier or things to avoid. "

Make sure to flatten the earth where you are going to lay the patio slabs...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would say, be gentle xx on the 7 stages scale you’ve already reached acceptance xx they won’t be at that stage, I try to be kind xx

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

Have your get out plan in place

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By *Vine OP Man
over a year ago

The right place

"Have your get out plan in place "

That's the bit I'm struggling with the most at the moment.

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

"Have your get out plan in place

That's the bit I'm struggling with the most at the moment. "

I don't think it's fair on the other person to drag that out

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By *Vine OP Man
over a year ago

The right place

"Have your get out plan in place

That's the bit I'm struggling with the most at the moment.

I don't think it's fair on the other person to drag that out "

I don't think it's good for anyone. But I agree.

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By *hoirCouple
over a year ago

Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds

Like others have said, don't be a dick in front of the kids. For that matter don't be a dick about your ex to the kids either, or about their new partner. The kids aren't stupid and all it does is confuse and upset them.

Otherwise, once you've made the decision get it over with quick for both of your sakes. Then take it one day at a time. It does get easier eventually

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

Be civil as much as possible remember it's going to be difficult both sides....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I would say, be gentle xx on the 7 stages scale you’ve already reached acceptance xx they won’t be at that stage, I try to be kind xx"

I thought there were 50 ways to leave your lover?

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By *mooth Operator 07Man
over a year ago

in the deep mist of the valleys

"Paramount

Keep it as amicable as you can in front of your children. Remember - you loved each other once"

100% everything the lady has mentioned.

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