FabSwingers.com mobile

Join us FREE, we're FREE to use

Web's largest swingers site since 2006.

Already registered?
Login here

Back to forum list
Back to The Lounge

Troublesome child.

Jump to newest
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My former partners 14 yr old is out of control. A few years back he used her cc to pay for an online game £80, her mobile for the same thing £80 and my landline, £60. He smashed a mirror in temper, the other day he kicked a hole in a wooden chest where she keeps the snacks, I repaired it but two days ago he totally trashed the chest. He has been excluded from his school twice already, refuses to help out in the home, gets up at daft hours of the night to cook himself food, a little while ago he forgot to turn the gas off, the entire house was filled with gas. Last week he set the smoke alarm off at 4 am. She has taken his xbox away, his phone and his laptop, actually, she took all that away over a week ago and still he does as he pleases. I suggested she sell the xbox to pay for the damage, but she won't do that as gran has bought him new games for it for Xmas. My question is this, how the hell do you straighten a kid like this out? I worry about my little 4yr old boy who has to listen to the screaming and swearing coming from his brother, as well as watch him destroy things. Personally, I'd give the kid a bloody good hiding but with the law as it is nowadays, you can't. She has had CAM come in to try and help, but they are less than useless.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This may sound daft but has she tried talking to him, sometimes just sometimes something has happened to them or is happening and they don't know how to handle it other than go mental as such.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

On many occasions, we even tried sitting at the table and each taking turns to lay our grievances on the table and discuss them. He wasn't interested. He will say what you want to hear and then 10 minutes later he will ignore everything you have just discussed and do whatever it is he wants.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

He sounds very troubled indeed. Yes, it is likely to affect his little brother. When did it start and what is he trying to say that no one is understanding?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"He sounds very troubled indeed. Yes, it is likely to affect his little brother. When did it start and what is he trying to say that no one is understanding?"

Before I met him which is about 6 years ago now.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *edangel_2013Woman
over a year ago

southend

There is a possibility of ADHD, or something similar, maybe autism. These are really over used words these days, but it may be worth seeing if there is anything the doctor can do.

But as others have said, there may be underlying problems, bullying, sexual confusion, or maybe he is beginning to resent you, especially if you are new around, and he has no contact with his Dad.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *atisfy janeWoman
over a year ago

Torquay

Sounds like the lad has lost a father figure not once but twice....can have a profound effect on a boy.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

He has never met his real father, the guy skipped after she found she was pregnant. As for me, I left because I was at the point of giving him the hiding of his life, I believe her ex husband left for the same reason. When I do visit, we mostly get on.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

She should seek advice from her family gp. They maybe able to refer him for an assessment for mental health issues. she can also contact the local mental health team.. it maybe that he just needs added support or just to speak to someone...

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *xodussxMan
over a year ago

sheffield

I may sound harsh, but it is due to my african roots: Kids like that are sent to an uncle, the dad or mum brother who will raise them...Teach them the real life and not spoiling them with all those games and play station. But sadly it is not like that here...

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago

In Your Bush

Losing your temper or falling out with him will only make it worse. You need to become mates with him. Take him out, just you two and do stuff that he likes. Basically just try and form a bond. You maybe surprised

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *eneral HysteriaMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

Try reading a book called 'Born on a blue day'

It's about a young man who has autism and his struggles and frustrations with it. Eventually his dealing with it and his coping very well with it.

It's extremely enlightening.

I'm not suggesting the boy in question has autism but it can help you understand what MAY be going on in his mind and why he is behaving the way he is.

It could be some kind of call for help, a coping mechamism against some frustration in his life, bullying/school pressures/dyslexia/learning difficulty/girls/boys - the list could go on.

The point is, whatever the cause, it's probably best discovered by professionals and the book may, in the meantime, help you understand a little and help him cope.

I believe beating him will not solve anything other than vent your own frustrations - and for a very short time. After that the feeling will be one of regret.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *xodussxMan
over a year ago

sheffield


"Losing your temper or falling out with him will only make it worse. You need to become mates with him. Take him out, just you two and do stuff that he likes. Basically just try and form a bond. You maybe surprised"
I think you are right. CAn i ask OP if he is interested in any kind of sport bith may practice??? Take him to any judo club and he will be fine

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I may sound harsh, but it is due to my african roots: Kids like that are sent to an uncle, the dad or mum brother who will raise them...Teach them the real life and not spoiling them with all those games and play station. But sadly it is not like that here..."

must be my African roots that wants discipline. lol.

He stayed with his aunt for almost a year, it got so bad that she hardly even talks to him anymore. His mother would love to send him to a military academy but can't afford it. I know kids are naughty and push the boundaries, hell, I was naughtier than most, but I respected my elders and I never broke anything in a rage. I got more hidings than I care to remember, I was on first name terms with my headmaster on account of me being caned by him at least once a week. Naughty I can put up with, total disrespect and destroying peoples property is another matter. I even suggested she call the cops and lay a charge of criminal damage, anything to put the frighteners on this kid. My concern is that the way he is going, it won't be long before the law does come knocking on her door and by then it may be too late to do anything.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Losing your temper or falling out with him will only make it worse. You need to become mates with him. Take him out, just you two and do stuff that he likes. Basically just try and form a bond. You maybe surprised I think you are right. CAn i ask OP if he is interested in any kind of sport bith may practice??? Take him to any judo club and he will be fine"
Tried that, he starts a sport full of enthusiasm and within weeks he loses interest, he has full football kit, rugby kit, baseball glove and bat, fishing gear (I love fishing), he went to scouts for about 2 months, tried cadets, brass band, school band, he has a set of drums, a guitar. I used to try and spend time with him but he stopped wanting to do anything.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sounds like a cry for help if you ask me? he may not like you? or jealous of you? mum n him need time together and a good chat. good luck x

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago

In Your Bush


"Losing your temper or falling out with him will only make it worse. You need to become mates with him. Take him out, just you two and do stuff that he likes. Basically just try and form a bond. You maybe surprised I think you are right. CAn i ask OP if he is interested in any kind of sport bith may practice??? Take him to any judo club and he will be fine Tried that, he starts a sport full of enthusiasm and within weeks he loses interest, he has full football kit, rugby kit, baseball glove and bat, fishing gear (I love fishing), he went to scouts for about 2 months, tried cadets, brass band, school band, he has a set of drums, a guitar. I used to try and spend time with him but he stopped wanting to do anything."

A lot of that stuff is him doing something. I mean do things together, as in just hang out. Go to the beach, kick a football around , climb a mountain. Oh and don't forget burgers

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *xodussxMan
over a year ago

sheffield

Burgers???? Hahahahahahah...I am sure he will be ready for that any time

I really feel for the OP. He must care so much for his ex

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Mistress Tiger, I don't live with them anymore, but he was like this before I even met him.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After reading this it sounds to me that this boy has defiantly got some form of mental heath issue.. Being negative towards him will not make this any better whatsoever. Praise the positive things he does however small.

I would certainly seek professional advice again.. I think you may have just had a bad experience with CAMS as i think they are a fantastic group.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon


"After reading this it sounds to me that this boy has defiantly got some form of mental heath issue.. Being negative towards him will not make this any better whatsoever. Praise the positive things he does however small.

I would certainly seek professional advice again.. I think you may have just had a bad experience with CAMS as i think they are a fantastic group. "

totally agree i have daily dealings with them

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

GRRRR.. the lad needs discipline, not some mental health tag conveniently labelled round his neck.

Kids learn fastest by example. My daughter was 4 when she learned that hissy fits carried no weight. I got her favourite toy and threw it out the window never to be seen again. She howled like a banshee for two hours. Three days later she threw another strop and all I said was, "Go get me another toy." She stopped immediately and we never had another tantrum again.

It's call shock treatment (but without the electricity). Show him you're the boss by getting his Xbox and trashing it like he did with your door. Explain what you are doing and why. Explain also the consequences of his misbehaviour in the future and that it's his choice what gets thrown away/trashed next. If he has to choose which of his possessions has to be sacrificed he'll think twice about kicking off again.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"I got more hidings than I care to remember, I was on first name terms with my headmaster on account of me being caned by him at least once a week."

Isn't that an example that corporal punishment doesn't work?

Put some time in with him get to know him, give him something to be interested in, something to occupy his time. Communicate with him instead of laying out what he's doing wrong and putting it on him work as a team to overcome it.

Once he has respect for himself and the people around him which is earn't by the adults in his life he won't do it.

Find what he likes, use that to both occupy him and punish once he is into it.

Medical checks are worth having to and if any are present then they can be treated and also can be delt with in the right way.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

I don't see how destroying an Xbox that you paid £200+ for helps discipline a child with behaviour issues?

Doesn't that just give them more time to be unruley because you just destroyed their main form of entertainment when not at school, which using that method leads to everything else getting destroyed, which leads to more time, which leads to a 14 year old child sitting in an empty room?

Not to mention the brothers, sisters and your stuff getting destroyed in frustrated revenge.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago

In Your Bush


"GRRRR.. the lad needs discipline, not some mental health tag conveniently labelled round his neck.

Kids learn fastest by example. My daughter was 4 when she learned that hissy fits carried no weight. I got her favourite toy and threw it out the window never to be seen again. She howled like a banshee for two hours. Three days later she threw another strop and all I said was, "Go get me another toy." She stopped immediately and we never had another tantrum again.

It's call shock treatment (but without the electricity). Show him you're the boss by getting his Xbox and trashing it like he did with your door. Explain what you are doing and why. Explain also the consequences of his misbehaviour in the future and that it's his choice what gets thrown away/trashed next. If he has to choose which of his possessions has to be sacrificed he'll think twice about kicking off again."

No it's not that is rule by fear

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't see how destroying an Xbox that you paid £200+ for helps discipline a child with behaviour issues?

Doesn't that just give them more time to be unruley because you just destroyed their main form of entertainment when not at school, which using that method leads to everything else getting destroyed, which leads to more time, which leads to a 14 year old child sitting in an empty room?

Not to mention the brothers, sisters and your stuff getting destroyed in frustrated revenge. "

I've seen the ads for Xbox games and I am of the opinion that they are damaging to young minds with the level of graphical violence on them. My kids will never have any of that sort of stuff. This lad is learning that to win you have to destroy. Wrong.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

First off sadder its good you've come for help now cause come a year/year and a half you won't have a hope in hell.

Okay so im going to give you some advice here and before I start just so you know you won't like any of it but after all the other tactics you have tried its worth a shot.

1. Get his mother (the respect might be gone by now so someone he respects) to sit him down and ask with nothing coming their side why he does what he does. Kids are very good at shrugging shoulders because they think they won't be listened too. But if you can show them you are interested its a big chunk of the battle DO NOT PATRONISE.

2. Arrange a meeting with teachers that like him and see if you can have a chat discreetly. They spend as much time with him as you and your wife so may have an insight.

3. No matter how tempting don't rant and rave. If it is an attention thing negative attention can become very addictive.

Exodus has a lot of elements hit bang on the head. Get him focussing his attention on something else other than a controller. If there is an uncle he gets on with ( prefrebly one who doesn't take any shit) get the two to socialise more. In the short term he may need to focus his negativity on someone, be prepared to take the bullet as this isn't about you its about him and dropping him on his route to becoming a Jeremy Kyle extra.

Oh and in case your wondering what makes me such an expert I worked on a young offenders camp for a year. My first night I got walled up with a machete to my throat. Didn't report the lad and me and him still speak. My proudest acheivement in life is that he has never done time in prison

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sorry saffer damn predictive txt

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"GRRRR.. the lad needs discipline, not some mental health tag conveniently labelled round his neck.

Kids learn fastest by example. My daughter was 4 when she learned that hissy fits carried no weight. I got her favourite toy and threw it out the window never to be seen again. She howled like a banshee for two hours. Three days later she threw another strop and all I said was, "Go get me another toy." She stopped immediately and we never had another tantrum again.

It's call shock treatment (but without the electricity). Show him you're the boss by getting his Xbox and trashing it like he did with your door. Explain what you are doing and why. Explain also the consequences of his misbehaviour in the future and that it's his choice what gets thrown away/trashed next. If he has to choose which of his possessions has to be sacrificed he'll think twice about kicking off again.

No it's not that is rule by fear "

No, it's rule by position of authority. If you give a child an inch it will take a mile. Even now, my eldest is 15 and she tries to hoodwink me with half-truths to get her own way. I just give her that knowing smile and say, "You sure about that?" If they don't respect you they won't live by the rules of the house.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon


"GRRRR.. the lad needs discipline, not some mental health tag conveniently labelled round his neck.

Kids learn fastest by example. My daughter was 4 when she learned that hissy fits carried no weight. I got her favourite toy and threw it out the window never to be seen again. She howled like a banshee for two hours. Three days later she threw another strop and all I said was, "Go get me another toy." She stopped immediately and we never had another tantrum again.

It's call shock treatment (but without the electricity). Show him you're the boss by getting his Xbox and trashing it like he did with your door. Explain what you are doing and why. Explain also the consequences of his misbehaviour in the future and that it's his choice what gets thrown away/trashed next. If he has to choose which of his possessions has to be sacrificed he'll think twice about kicking off again.

No it's not that is rule by fear

No, it's rule by position of authority. If you give a child an inch it will take a mile. Even now, my eldest is 15 and she tries to hoodwink me with half-truths to get her own way. I just give her that knowing smile and say, "You sure about that?" If they don't respect you they won't live by the rules of the house."

I have to though IF this child has mental health issues and say IF no amount of shock treatment Will help the only thing that Will is support and medication not i am going to throw your toys out the window.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *xodussxMan
over a year ago

sheffield

Thanks Stuts.

Someone mentioned fear in a post. Yes FEAR works fine. IN fact that is what all kids need in this country . Look at the chinese kids.Their parents are rich, so rich that they could get anything they want within a blink. But the kids are worried about the family reputation that they always stay on the right paths.That is fear...Are they well educated? YES...Do they well behave? YES they do. I work for a student accommodation company and since i took on the international students, my job just gone as easier as ever due to the chinese kids. They rent the most expensive rooms, plenty of gadgets and respect a lot. When you question them about that , the answer is : WE are afraid of betraying our partents by wrong doing.

As child, my mum sent me to my dad at 5 years old, after divorcing dad. Life in africa wasnt same as in paris. I couldnt even get out of the police station where my dad worked and lived as interpole boss. He made it clear to me at 12 that i will end in a cell

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"This lad is learning that to win you have to destroy. Wrong."

I quite agree.

For me to win I can destroy your Xbox I can destroy anything that you consider yours because I am your parent and I have the power. One day you may have it but today it is mine so you will tow my line. Of course I have just taught you that winning just means destroying more than the other person

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have to though IF this child has mental health issues and say IF no amount of shock treatment Will help the only thing that Will is support and medication not i am going to throw your toys out the window. "

Fortunately it never got that far with my daughter and her tantrums were nipped in the bud very early. If it had gone the other way then yes, we'd have sought professional advice. I just don't think it's right to quickly label a child as mental etc when it may just be a discipline problem.

Maybe I should have added that as well as removing his toys etc he should also be encouraged to do other things with his time. Sport is an amazing way of bonding with a child as well knackering him out completely so he's too tired to smash something up

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Lots of good advice, some better than others. lol. but good nonetheless. Some of this has not been tried, some has been flogged to death already. Thanks to all for contributing to a very difficult situation and although I am no longer part of it in an every day sense, I would much rather he doesn't get any worse as I think he is a good kid, just lost his way somewhere/somehow ,as well as wanting his mother to get some peace for a change.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon


"I have to though IF this child has mental health issues and say IF no amount of shock treatment Will help the only thing that Will is support and medication not i am going to throw your toys out the window.

Fortunately it never got that far with my daughter and her tantrums were nipped in the bud very early. If it had gone the other way then yes, we'd have sought professional advice. I just don't think it's right to quickly label a child as mental etc when it may just be a discipline problem.

Maybe I should have added that as well as removing his toys etc he should also be encouraged to do other things with his time. Sport is an amazing way of bonding with a child as well knackering him out completely so he's too tired to smash something up "

I get where you are coming from. i am not a parent so i don't know what action i would take...

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Again exodus bang on the money. Kids have nothing to fear in this country, because they have nothing to loose. The only hope parents have is creating that enviroment that is extra special and will make them think twice about there behaviour.

Taking the china example if they shame there family they are cast out into the wilderness, no gadgets, no food, no shelter. That's a lot too loose. This country if you are made homeless at a young age there is support, there is education, there is entertainment. What is there too loose nothing. So create something

I have never met a kid who does not like a proper home cooked meal, it might take them some getting used to but once they are they love it.

All kids love attention, if they won't play board games play with them on the Xbox to begin with then move onto activities outside the home, let them know your not a robot.

Take an interest in their life there is nothing more frustrating when your 13/14 when you have what is a small problem that is blown out of all proportions because your left to deal with it by yourself.

Once a child has all these things and knows they have them then they feel more secure and at the same time now have that fear that they do have something to loose

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Lots of good advice, some better than others. lol. but good nonetheless. Some of this has not been tried, some has been flogged to death already. Thanks to all for contributing to a very difficult situation and although I am no longer part of it in an every day sense, I would much rather he doesn't get any worse as I think he is a good kid, just lost his way somewhere/somehow ,as well as wanting his mother to get some peace for a change."

Has he been assessed for ADHD or Aspergers? If what you have described is accurate (no offence meant) then many of the instances sound very much like traits found in kids who suffer from either. Also, there is a slight hint that his Mum is in a bit of denial about it all. Has his school offered to assess him and it's been rejected by his Mum? I would be very surprised if, by the age of 14, some assessment has not been carried out... almost the only way that could happen by 14 is if the parents (in this case his Mum as you do not live together) have refused....

Pork

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds to me he's just a spoilt little brat thats got to used to getting his own way when and how he wants! and needs a clip round the ear like you were tempted to do!!! bring back 1960's parenting! A good slap never done me any harm! too many bloody do gooders these days most of whom aren't even parents themselves! World's gone to pot!

Billy

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Saffer one last thing before I go. Do you box? Take the lad boxing. You'll be suprised

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire


" Show him you're the boss by getting his Xbox and trashing it like he did with your door. Explain what you are doing and why. Explain also the consequences of his misbehaviour in the future and that it's his choice what gets thrown away/trashed next. If he has to choose which of his possessions has to be sacrificed he'll think twice about kicking off again."

to be honest smashing something of the lads to 'show him who is boss' could be disastrous..

the OP is not living with him..

at that age you will turn it into a full on battle between him and you..

he smashes your car window as an act of revenge post x box trashing, then what do you do?

go around and tip his bedroom out of the window..?

and with the OP not being there the only ones suffering in a downward spiral of destruction will be the mother and the step brother..

by the sound of it the lad needs some sort of professional help, maybe an assessment to ascertain the issue's which lead to the behaviour..

hope for the family it gets sorted..

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My former partners 14 yr old is out of control. A few years back he used her cc to pay for an online game £80, her mobile for the same thing £80 and my landline, £60. He smashed a mirror in temper, the other day he kicked a hole in a wooden chest where she keeps the snacks, I repaired it but two days ago he totally trashed the chest. He has been excluded from his school twice already, refuses to help out in the home, gets up at daft hours of the night to cook himself food, a little while ago he forgot to turn the gas off, the entire house was filled with gas. Last week he set the smoke alarm off at 4 am. She has taken his xbox away, his phone and his laptop, actually, she took all that away over a week ago and still he does as he pleases. I suggested she sell the xbox to pay for the damage, but she won't do that as gran has bought him new games for it for Xmas. My question is this, how the hell do you straighten a kid like this out? I worry about my little 4yr old boy who has to listen to the screaming and swearing coming from his brother, as well as watch him destroy things. Personally, I'd give the kid a bloody good hiding but with the law as it is nowadays, you can't. She has had CAM come in to try and help, but they are less than useless."

my advice is call social services and ask for help

I had a lot of problems with my middle child, she was a nightmear, i couldn t control her and i admit that so i went to social services and asked them for help

all my family thought i did the wrong thing but it takes a bigger person to admit they cant cope than someone who keeps saying we'll manage, i didnt want my daughter to end up pregnant, on drugs or worse so i went for the help i needed and im glad i did regardless of what anyone said i know i did the best thing

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"No it's not that is rule by fear

No, it's rule by position of authority. If you give a child an inch it will take a mile. Even now, my eldest is 15 and she tries to hoodwink me with half-truths to get her own way. I just give her that knowing smile and say, "You sure about that?" If they don't respect you they won't live by the rules of the house."

Your eldest is a typical teen - they all try to hoodwink their parents - I'm sure you did the same at one time or another during your teens.

But how far do you take the 'trashing' of belongings before you end up with nothing left in the house? Personally, I think its going to take a lot more than wrecking this kids x-box to make him realise the error of his ways - plus I don't agree with those tactics. I'm far from happy clappy and believe that a healthy fear of parents is good ie.if mum/dad find out, they're gonna have a fit, ground me, take things from me etc.

But fighting fire with fire isn't a solution, he's too far down a destructive path for that.

The lad doesn't know his father, he's lost several male influences, has a younger sibling who knows his father - and who knows what else may have happened to him that he's keeping bottled up. Its not just naughty kid syndrome in my opinion

PS. I do think playstation/x-box etc gaming has a lot to answer for, especially the war, death and destruction type games

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my son was on the same road to destruction until his mum kicked him out, he now lives with me and in the past 4 months not 1 bit of trouble and his grades have come right up , he is 15 and now has his life back on track , sometimes boys have to live with there dad

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"my son was on the same road to destruction until his mum kicked him out, he now lives with me and in the past 4 months not 1 bit of trouble and his grades have come right up , he is 15 and now has his life back on track , sometimes boys have to live with there dad"

i sent my daughter to live with her dad for a bit, wouldnt say i kicked her out but we agreed she needed time out to think, sometimes having that 1 on 1 time with a parent helps where they are not competing for attention with siblings

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" to be honest smashing something of the lads to 'show him who is boss' could be disastrous..

the OP is not living with him..

at that age you will turn it into a full on battle between him and you..

he smashes your car window as an act of revenge post x box trashing, then what do you do?

go around and tip his bedroom out of the window..?

"

You're taking it to the extreme and the reality is that it rarely ever gets that far. Once is usually enough to show a child he/she isn't the boss.

I challenge anyone who thinks an unruly child has ADHD to send them to live with us for 6 months and I gaurantee the child you send us won't be the child you get back. Sure, I'm tough, and yes I play hard, but the results are that I have three great kids who don't act up (granted the youngest is only 11mos old) but my eldest is a Grade A student, she's top of her year and always has been since she started school and is tipped to get 10 A* in her finals next year. She told her English teacher she wants to be a barrister and her teacher replied, "For you R******, the field is wide open and whatever you eventually decide to do you will be enormously successful." She wasn't pandering to her either.

I wonder if, 11 years ago when she was given to hissy-fitting whenever things didn't go her way, had I not been strong with her would she have continued to demonstrate by destruction to get her own way. I would destroy me to think I could have harmed her chances at success in life by being a wimp of a Dad too scared by PC bollocks to admonish her when she needed it.

My son and my youngest daughter will get the same treatment if and when the occasion arises.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Children do need boundaries, absolutely.

Adult are role models, absolutely.

Children will test and push boundaries, absolutely.

Sometimes a few sessions with a family counsellor help. They can promote a better understanding on all sides concerned.

Failing that I would look at the possibility of a mental health issue at the same time as looking at other possible changes in the home.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I have read your post correctly, and forgive me I haven't, he has never known his real dad, his mom married a guy, they divorced, she met you and now you have split? Maybe, he needs a constant male role model in his life, not men that are coming and going?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire


" to be honest smashing something of the lads to 'show him who is boss' could be disastrous..

the OP is not living with him..

at that age you will turn it into a full on battle between him and you..

he smashes your car window as an act of revenge post x box trashing, then what do you do?

go around and tip his bedroom out of the window..?

You're taking it to the extreme and the reality is that it rarely ever gets that far. Once is usually enough to show a child he/she isn't the boss.

I challenge anyone who thinks an unruly child has ADHD to send them to live with us for 6 months and I gaurantee the child you send us won't be the child you get back. Sure, I'm tough, and yes I play hard, but the results are that I have three great kids who don't act up (granted the youngest is only 11mos old) but my eldest is a Grade A student, she's top of her year and always has been since she started school and is tipped to get 10 A* in her finals next year. She told her English teacher she wants to be a barrister and her teacher replied, "For you R******, the field is wide open and whatever you eventually decide to do you will be enormously successful." She wasn't pandering to her either.

I wonder if, 11 years ago when she was given to hissy-fitting whenever things didn't go her way, had I not been strong with her would she have continued to demonstrate by destruction to get her own way. I would destroy me to think I could have harmed her chances at success in life by being a wimp of a Dad too scared by PC bollocks to admonish her when she needed it.

My son and my youngest daughter will get the same treatment if and when the occasion arises."

No not at all, have had occasion to work with kids of the same age who are further down the wrong track that the OP's oh's lad..

intervention and mentorship etc..

and one thing that does not work across the board is 'ramping up' the issue by challenging them as males..

to demonstrate that their destructive actions is unnaceptable by replicating it is naive and regressive..

i think your statement about ADHD shows you have no idea just what that issue entails to those parents unfortunate to live with it..

thanks also for the update on your kids, good to hear when they are doing well..

it does'nt make you a 'wimp nor is it pc bollocks' Wishy to do things in different ways, we used to hit our kids till they got to about 8 or so to correct behaviour etc..

made a decision not to do so at that point, both are post Uni and contributing..

more than one way to do things fella..

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's funny nowadays, unruly kids like this always seem to be labeled as having a 'syndrome'

When we were young, we were just classed naughty, unruly or bad little bastards. It's time that the namby pamby brigade stopped stop making excuses and just accept the fact that some kids are bad.

Give them a good towsing and stop making excuses for them.

There we go, that oughta ruffle a few feathers

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" ... we used to hit our kids till they got to about 8 or so to correct behaviour etc..

made a decision not to do so at that point, both are post Uni and contributing..

more than one way to do things fella..

"

I'm not disagreeing that there is more than one way to skin a cat, but my experiences with my own kids taught me that getting through to them at a psychological level worked much better than outright punishment for each misdemeanor. Making them think about their actions, and the consequences of it, worked very well.

Of course I had no intention of destroying every toy they had as I'd worked hard to buy them in the first place but by sacrificing one toy it sent the message that unacceptable behaviour simply wasn't an option.

I've never hit any of my kids as I believe that use of physical violence means you've already lost the war (although that's not a criticism of you, and other parents who feel/felt that a smack was/is justified). Our son knows where the 'naughty step' is and he knows that when he's sent there he is there for 1 minute for each year of his age (3 years old = 3 minutes) and then he knows he has to come back in when called and tell us why he'd been sent there, and then apologise for his actions. It doesn't stop him being naughty in future because he's only three and he doesn't know everything that can be defined as naughty but when he's done something bad he hasn't done before we explain to him first that it's naughty and that the next time he does it he goes to the naughty step.

(We got that off SuperNanny lol)

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

point taken, nor i you..

its never been an 'exact science'..

remember coming home when we were expecting our 1st to find a copy of 'mum and baby' or some such rubbish..

dumped it in the waste bin and said 'we will do it like our parents did, will make mistakes etc'..

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He is a teenager and he needs an outlet for his rage and aggression when he is calm maybe suggest boxing or combat sport is there a gym near by worth checking out and maybe some counselling x

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"point taken, nor i you..

its never been an 'exact science'..

remember coming home when we were expecting our 1st to find a copy of 'mum and baby' or some such rubbish..

dumped it in the waste bin and said 'we will do it like our parents did, will make mistakes etc'.."

Siren got every bloody parenting book she could get hold of and the funny thing about them was that they all contradicted each other.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is he having problems at school is bottling things up and venting at home he needs to be listened too. So often we get used to teenagers coming home and locking themselves in their rooms without really communicating with them.

He is at that inbetween stage in his life which is very hard to deal with body, hormones everything is kicking in and although not condoning his behaviour there is a reason behind that.

Maybe you could take him to the boxing thing and have some male bonding time that is if you are still close to the mother.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know it sounds silly but best thing I bought my daughter was a boxing bag and a pair of gloves. Saves on the doors she used to trash.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I know it sounds silly but best thing I bought my daughter was a boxing bag and a pair of gloves. Saves on the doors she used to trash."

The sort of psychology I was referring to would have seen me removing the door from her room. She can't trash a door that isn't there but she'll have lost her privacy too.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I know it sounds silly but best thing I bought my daughter was a boxing bag and a pair of gloves. Saves on the doors she used to trash.

The sort of psychology I was referring to would have seen me removing the door from her room. She can't trash a door that isn't there but she'll have lost her privacy too."

She only trashed the door once and made her pay for a new one no top up for about 6 months. Now if she needs to vent her frustration she does it on the bag it does work x

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I know it sounds silly but best thing I bought my daughter was a boxing bag and a pair of gloves. Saves on the doors she used to trash.

The sort of psychology I was referring to would have seen me removing the door from her room. She can't trash a door that isn't there but she'll have lost her privacy too.

She only trashed the door once and made her pay for a new one no top up for about 6 months. Now if she needs to vent her frustration she does it on the bag it does work x"

And has the double bonus of teaching her how to throw a punch if she needs to defend herself.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I know it sounds silly but best thing I bought my daughter was a boxing bag and a pair of gloves. Saves on the doors she used to trash.

The sort of psychology I was referring to would have seen me removing the door from her room. She can't trash a door that isn't there but she'll have lost her privacy too.

She only trashed the door once and made her pay for a new one no top up for about 6 months. Now if she needs to vent her frustration she does it on the bag it does work x

And has the double bonus of teaching her how to throw a punch if she needs to defend herself. "

Yep and it does get the aggression out x

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago

Hull


"GRRRR.. the lad needs discipline, not some mental health tag conveniently labelled round his neck.

Kids learn fastest by example. My daughter was 4 when she learned that hissy fits carried no weight. I got her favourite toy and threw it out the window never to be seen again. She howled like a banshee for two hours. Three days later she threw another strop and all I said was, "Go get me another toy." She stopped immediately and we never had another tantrum again.

It's call shock treatment (but without the electricity). Show him you're the boss by getting his Xbox and trashing it like he did with your door. Explain what you are doing and why. Explain also the consequences of his misbehaviour in the future and that it's his choice what gets thrown away/trashed next. If he has to choose which of his possessions has to be sacrificed he'll think twice about kicking off again."

Wishy, for once, I wholeheartedly AGREE with you!

Kids have to learn about boundaries and respect for others, their property and their possessions.

If this had been me in my younger years, I wouldn't have sat down for a week, after the spanking I'd have had! But it never reached that stage, as I knew how far I could push my parents before such action would have occurred.

And before the "anti-corporal punsihment" fanatics recoil in horror, in our family, every disciplinary action was balanced by love and caring from both parents.

I knew the difference between right and wrong from an early age, but that allowed me to become a balanced, well behaved person and I had a very happy childhood.

Mental health tags? ADHD etc etc? We didn't have these when I was growing up and really how did we survive without these arty farty, mental health designer name-tags!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"GRRRR.. the lad needs discipline, not some mental health tag conveniently labelled round his neck.

Kids learn fastest by example. My daughter was 4 when she learned that hissy fits carried no weight. I got her favourite toy and threw it out the window never to be seen again. She howled like a banshee for two hours. Three days later she threw another strop and all I said was, "Go get me another toy." She stopped immediately and we never had another tantrum again.

It's call shock treatment (but without the electricity). Show him you're the boss by getting his Xbox and trashing it like he did with your door. Explain what you are doing and why. Explain also the consequences of his misbehaviour in the future and that it's his choice what gets thrown away/trashed next. If he has to choose which of his possessions has to be sacrificed he'll think twice about kicking off again.

Wishy, for once, I wholeheartedly AGREE with you!

Kids have to learn about boundaries and respect for others, their property and their possessions.

If this had been me in my younger years, I wouldn't have sat down for a week, after the spanking I'd have had! But it never reached that stage, as I knew how far I could push my parents before such action would have occurred.

And before the "anti-corporal punsihment" fanatics recoil in horror, in our family, every disciplinary action was balanced by love and caring from both parents.

I knew the difference between right and wrong from an early age, but that allowed me to become a balanced, well behaved person and I had a very happy childhood.

Mental health tags? ADHD etc etc? We didn't have these when I was growing up and really how did we survive without these arty farty, mental health designer name-tags! "

and then some.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Saffer, some of the "control" methods talked about in this thread only work if done from a very early age.

Don't start a war with a 14 year old you will all lose!

Professional help is needed, and that is best found by talking to the school. exactly what is needed for this child I have no idea, that requires much more information. but his mother needs help, and so does he as you say it will lead to a wasted life if it reaches outside the home and the police get involved.

Please go with his mother to the school talk to them and see what the next step is.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Saffer, some of the "control" methods talked about in this thread only work if done from a very early age.

Don't start a war with a 14 year old you will all lose!

Professional help is needed, and that is best found by talking to the school. exactly what is needed for this child I have no idea, that requires much more information. but his mother needs help, and so does he as you say it will lead to a wasted life if it reaches outside the home and the police get involved.

Please go with his mother to the school talk to them and see what the next step is.

"

Agree on this one, and yes I agree with some points Wishy has made. But as has been said, this is a 14 year old teenager, from a broken home on more than one occasion, pubescent, with hormones doing somersaults - personally I think its too late to use psychological tactics with him as they clearly aren't working - it works with some teens, not all, and has to start from a young age - no point in bolting the stable door when the horse has well and truly legged it.

Its hard to give sound advice when nobody but this lad knows his thoughts - he probably doesn't even know himself why he does it - plus, ALL kids are different. The discipline you use with, for example, your daughter, may not work with your son, but another way does work - they're individuals. The lads mum has to be strong enough to deal with whatever issues he has, and be consistent and honest with herself - because if she isn't, trying to straighten him out will be a lost cause

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 
 

By *uriouscouple26Couple
over a year ago

longfield

How does he do at school I assume if he behaved like this they would take action as if it is ADHD or a mental health problem he would not be able to control it, so if school is ok i think that would suggest issues at home amd the only option is to have consequences for behaviour whether that be good or bad is there a chance he uses drugs??!!

Good luck

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
Post new Message to Thread
back to top