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Faking your own death!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

No - I haven't robbed a bank, murdered anyone or borrowed money I can't repay from a guy called 'Bricktop' who owns a pig farm!

My first day back after a pretty stressful week off and I'm already banging my head against a brick wall trying to play catch up! It's not going to happen!

And whilst under normal circumstances I can be quite creative about methods of evading work for a few hours - a meeting with 'Mr Smith', a broken down car, trapped on a single track road with a broken down tractor in front and 200 head of fresians behind - right now I feel I may need to go one step further!

So what would you suggest? Needs to be plausible, gain minor press coverage rather than the front page of the tabloids - and enable me to - much like Bobby Ewing in Dallas - 'miraculously come back to life' at some point in the future should I so wish!

Tricky - I know! But I have great faith in the wonderful people of Fab!

So get your best thinking caps/bras on now!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Buy a canoe and an apartment in Panama

It'll catch up with ya but you'll get 12 months or so of peace

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The NPIA report on Missing Person Statistics for 2010/2011 states that approx 2,000 people (net) go missing 'permanently' (for over a year) in the UK each year..... and most just walk out of their lives, never to return...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Get Reginald Perrins book - 'How I learned to stop worrying and love life'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Obi, I think I might be missing the point of your OP, what could would it do you right now to fake your death?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Instead of faking your own death you could pretend to go insane for a while. Do it gradually so that you have enough time to get round to all the people you really want to be able to say to, "Why don't you go and play with the cars on the motorway!" but can;t - because you're sane and you would get the sack.

Then, after much aversion therapy, electric shock treatment and being held down by a big bully boy called Roger and his mate Brian in the asylum while they bugger you senseless you can slowly 'regain' your sanity and smile smugl;y at all the people you pissed off who will say, "I forgive you because I know you weren't well at the time."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Run naked down the road to the nearest town and hole up in a booze shop until the authorities come, then claim stress made you do it and offer them a mojito and pineapple juice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw a great documentary called Blackadder a while ago. It said that to avoid doing something you don't want to do, stick your underpants on your head, pencils up your nose and say wibble a lot.

Hope that helps?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wibble!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate while bladdered decided that to get out of work he'd smash himself in the face with a hammer and say he was mugged

Yes he does have a screw loose and is now under mental health care!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My mate while bladdered decided that to get out of work he'd smash himself in the face with a hammer and say he was mugged

Yes he does have a screw loose and is now under mental health care!!"

Interesting friends you've got.....

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon


"My mate while bladdered decided that to get out of work he'd smash himself in the face with a hammer and say he was mugged

Yes he does have a screw loose and is now under mental health care!!"

nowt queer as folk lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My mate while bladdered decided that to get out of work he'd smash himself in the face with a hammer and say he was mugged

Yes he does have a screw loose and is now under mental health care!!

Interesting friends you've got.....

"

russ are all your friends like this?? lol

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon


"My mate while bladdered decided that to get out of work he'd smash himself in the face with a hammer and say he was mugged

Yes he does have a screw loose and is now under mental health care!!

Interesting friends you've got.....

russ are all your friends like this?? lol"

id worry if they were

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My mate while bladdered decided that to get out of work he'd smash himself in the face with a hammer and say he was mugged

Yes he does have a screw loose and is now under mental health care!!

Interesting friends you've got.....

russ are all your friends like this?? lol

id worry if they were "

steps away from Russ lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My mate while bladdered decided that to get out of work he'd smash himself in the face with a hammer and say he was mugged

Yes he does have a screw loose and is now under mental health care!!

Interesting friends you've got.....

russ are all your friends like this?? lol

id worry if they were

steps away from Russ lol "

No not at all, it turned out a few years later he had split personality disorder.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My mate while bladdered decided that to get out of work he'd smash himself in the face with a hammer and say he was mugged

Yes he does have a screw loose and is now under mental health care!!

Interesting friends you've got.....

russ are all your friends like this?? lol

id worry if they were

steps away from Russ lol

No not at all, it turned out a few years later he had split personality disorder. "
Wonder what he split it with...? Oh yeah - the hammer!

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I could pretend to come and murder you, then it will give me my murdering people fix and let minxie of the hook and you wil get time of work

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My mate while bladdered decided that to get out of work he'd smash himself in the face with a hammer and say he was mugged

Yes he does have a screw loose and is now under mental health care!!

Interesting friends you've got.....

russ are all your friends like this?? lol

id worry if they were

steps away from Russ lol

No not at all, it turned out a few years later he had split personality disorder. Wonder what he split it with...? Oh yeah - the hammer!

"

Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Op do you have any plans for when you disappear. Do you have to be seen to have died and not just disappear, its very easy to just disappear see having done so successfully for almost a year now

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Run naked down the road to the nearest town and hole up in a booze shop until the authorities come, then claim stress made you do it and offer them a mojito and pineapple juice "

Liking this idea the best so far!

So long as I get to drink something other than mojito's.

Although more looking for a way to avoid work - and getting sectioned - rather than just a comfy padded room for a while!

Can't see that doing much for my meet opportunities!!

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

Death by over exposure to marshmallows?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have fully researched the matter for you, honest I am busy at work!! Here are 7 handy hints to help you on your way.

1

Decide whether you really want to do this. Maybe sit on it for a while (assuming, that is, you do not need to urgently fake your death as soon as possible to avoid being caught or even killed for real!), and mellow over whether you really need a completely new start. Can you just move away? Are you being melodramatic? Are there any alternatives? You should only do this if you keep feeling that faking your own death is the only way to start over or escape, and you have no viable alternatives.

2

Realize early on the implications this will have. You'll have to keep no contact with any friends or relatives, and if you decide to let them in on it, the chances are they'll call the police or betray you in the end. If you must let anyone know, try an understanding friend who will, for whatever reason, never rat you out to the police, family and general public.

3

Somehow get rid of all personal connections with yourself. Understand you cannot use email accounts, memberships or any other personal details after you have faked your own death. This is probably the trickiest of all things to get sorted before you actually do the deed. You'll want some money to start your new life, so you may want to withdraw cash from an account: however, clearing this completely may arouse suspicion. Gradually withdraw money, or, if you're in a hurry, a massive amount: just don't clear it whatever you do.

4

Watch out for little things that may give you away. Don't act all fishy beforehand for a start. Also, remember not to use personal laptops, computers or mobile phones (unless you can change the sim card) afterwards: these can be used to trace you once you're gone.

5

Decide on a death method. Suicide is probably the easiest bet, and while it may be hard for loved ones to stomach, if it's obvious your "death" is a suicide, innocent people won't be accused of your "murder". Also, suicide is a more open and shut case: chances are, people will be less searching of CCTV footage and personal records etc if they know you "killed" yourself, rather than mysteriously disappearing.

6

Obviously, pick a "method" that means there is no body to be found, or failing that, where it would be very difficult to find. A common one is jumping off a bridge. The "body" may not be found easily, were it actually there, so police will be less suspicious. If you choose a stabbing or hanging as your "death" method they'll expect a body. And unless you have a clone, it will be impossible to replicate a body with the exact teeth, bone structure etc. So think ahead.

7

Go ahead and do it. Plant a note for your "suicide" and then disappear. Travel out of the city. Start again, with a new identity. Be free.

Amazing what you can find on the Internet these days!!!

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By *rDionysusMan
over a year ago

Leeds

& then rejoin Fab two days later under a different username!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I have fully researched the matter for you, honest I am busy at work!! Here are 7 handy hints to help you on your way.

1

Decide whether you really want to do this. Maybe sit on it for a while (assuming, that is, you do not need to urgently fake your death as soon as possible to avoid being caught or even killed for real!), and mellow over whether you really need a completely new start. Can you just move away? Are you being melodramatic? Are there any alternatives? You should only do this if you keep feeling that faking your own death is the only way to start over or escape, and you have no viable alternatives.

2

Realize early on the implications this will have. You'll have to keep no contact with any friends or relatives, and if you decide to let them in on it, the chances are they'll call the police or betray you in the end. If you must let anyone know, try an understanding friend who will, for whatever reason, never rat you out to the police, family and general public.

3

Somehow get rid of all personal connections with yourself. Understand you cannot use email accounts, memberships or any other personal details after you have faked your own death. This is probably the trickiest of all things to get sorted before you actually do the deed. You'll want some money to start your new life, so you may want to withdraw cash from an account: however, clearing this completely may arouse suspicion. Gradually withdraw money, or, if you're in a hurry, a massive amount: just don't clear it whatever you do.

4

Watch out for little things that may give you away. Don't act all fishy beforehand for a start. Also, remember not to use personal laptops, computers or mobile phones (unless you can change the sim card) afterwards: these can be used to trace you once you're gone.

5

Decide on a death method. Suicide is probably the easiest bet, and while it may be hard for loved ones to stomach, if it's obvious your "death" is a suicide, innocent people won't be accused of your "murder". Also, suicide is a more open and shut case: chances are, people will be less searching of CCTV footage and personal records etc if they know you "killed" yourself, rather than mysteriously disappearing.

6

Obviously, pick a "method" that means there is no body to be found, or failing that, where it would be very difficult to find. A common one is jumping off a bridge. The "body" may not be found easily, were it actually there, so police will be less suspicious. If you choose a stabbing or hanging as your "death" method they'll expect a body. And unless you have a clone, it will be impossible to replicate a body with the exact teeth, bone structure etc. So think ahead.

7

Go ahead and do it. Plant a note for your "suicide" and then disappear. Travel out of the city. Start again, with a new identity. Be free.

Amazing what you can find on the Internet these days!!!"

Sue - you've given this way too much thought!!!

Although hang on.......is your name really Sue after all?

You've done this before haven't you....... LORD LUCAN!!!!!

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston

How about I kidnap you and treat you as my sex slave for a few months..... Shed gimp an optional extra

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"How about I kidnap you and treat you as my sex slave for a few months..... Shed gimp an optional extra "

*Wonders if work would ever stump up a ransom demand?

This could be an option!

*Note to self - watch "Proof of Life" later for research purposes!

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston


"How about I kidnap you and treat you as my sex slave for a few months..... Shed gimp an optional extra

*Wonders if work would ever stump up a ransom demand?

This could be an option!

*Note to self - watch "Proof of Life" later for research purposes! "

who cares about the ransom.... Once you are here; you belong to Colin..mwahahahahahaha x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

revenge of the Colin!!

can you film the whole experience please _muma? lol

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

Sounds far too elaborate, keep it simple, Why not just take a forged note in from your parents, ( I ll sign it for you... )

always worked for me with my paper round..

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By *nvictusMan
over a year ago

Beeston

Abducted by aliens is the most plausible one I'd say.

Just leave your car in the middle of the road with the lights on, door open and clock stopped and leave a pile of your clothes and shoes by the door.

Worked for me after MI5 tracked me down ladt time.

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston


"revenge of the Colin!!

can you film the whole experience please _muma? lol"

feckin pervert!!!!!!! X.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"revenge of the Colin!!

can you film the whole experience please _muma? lol

feckin pervert!!!!!!! X. "

could do with a laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Abducted by aliens is the most plausible one I'd say.

Just leave your car in the middle of the road with the lights on, door open and clock stopped and leave a pile of your clothes and shoes by the door.

Worked for me after MI5 tracked me down ladt time. "

don't forget some battery operated smoke machines and hire a big spot light.. it all adds to the visual effects of the scene

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston

Hahahaha. Hope you mean Obi and not me!!!

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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago

In Your Bush


"How about I kidnap you and treat you as my sex slave for a few months..... Shed gimp an optional extra

*Wonders if work would ever stump up a ransom demand?

This could be an option!

*Note to self - watch "Proof of Life" later for research purposes!

who cares about the ransom.... Once you are here; you belong to Colin..mwahahahahahaha x "

I think Bertha would be better suited

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Abducted by aliens is the most plausible one I'd say.

Just leave your car in the middle of the road with the lights on, door open and clock stopped and leave a pile of your clothes and shoes by the door.

Worked for me after MI5 tracked me down ladt time. "

This has just stumped the 'running naked down the high st' and 'kidnapped' ideas!

All I need now is somewhere to hide out for a month or two and some convincing mobile phone pics of little green men!

Should be easy!

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I am being miss maple today people lie i Will find out.... i love my job

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I am being miss maple today people lie i Will find out.... i love my job "

Covered in syrup?

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon


"I am being miss maple today people lie i Will find out.... i love my job

Covered in syrup? "

marple ffs

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I am being miss maple today people lie i Will find out.... i love my job

Covered in syrup?

marple ffs "

Bugger. I like Maple Syrup!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I haven't a clue obi but can you make sure your insurance papers have me as your next of kin xxx

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon


"I am being miss maple today people lie i Will find out.... i love my job

Covered in syrup?

marple ffs

Bugger. I like Maple Syrup! "

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston


"How about I kidnap you and treat you as my sex slave for a few months..... Shed gimp an optional extra

*Wonders if work would ever stump up a ransom demand?

This could be an option!

*Note to self - watch "Proof of Life" later for research purposes!

who cares about the ransom.... Once you are here; you belong to Colin..mwahahahahahaha x

I think Bertha would be better suited "

ssssshhhhhh or she will have you next time!!!

Obi, I have a shed you can hide in. Gimp and Colin provided for our enetertainment and 3 meals a day.....

You know you want to

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Sue - you've given this way too much thought!!!

Although hang on.......is your name really Sue after all?

You've done this before haven't you....... LORD LUCAN!!!!! "

Oops I was a tad bored at work

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I could pretend to come and murder you, then it will give me my murdering people fix and let minxie of the hook and you wil get time of work"

Minxie nearly did the job for ya

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have the solution :-

Come to mine,, try n mend my cooker - if u go bang then mission accomplished - if u dont I'll hide u for a while until the heat dies down .............

see solution easey peasey - wot time u getting here?

Mods can u delete this post please if he accepts his mission - fank u

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By *exki11enWoman
over a year ago

Bristol

Put your out of office on your email (stops people pestering you because they know you're back) and just concentrate on catching up what you need to.

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