FabSwingers.com forum: Men what is it that stops you from talking

By *atalie.. OP Woman
over a year ago

Bolton

It's been over a year since a male family member took his own life.

This past week two more male acquaintance ended their life's.

What stops you from reaching out for help.

My family member had a huge family, huge social circle etc but the one thought that won was not to be here anymore.

This is not a pity post it's an I'm trying to understand men and why they don't ask for help

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Because I’ve always dealt with my troubles in the only way I know. That is by myself, not asking for help. I grew up very insular and socially isolated, with very few friends to speak of. It’s just my nature and after 40 odd years of doing it, it’s just changing anytime soon.

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By *reamblueMan
over a year ago

London

Social stigma. The kind of message that says "your status will be far higher if you can deal with this on your own"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honestly, nobody listens. You tell friends about abusive relationships and they laugh it off. You tell family members you’re struggling and they don’t check on you. It’s easier to deal with it on your own than tell people and then be laughed at or ignored.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's been over a year since a male family member took his own life.

This past week two more male acquaintance ended their life's.

What stops you from reaching out for help.

My family member had a huge family, huge social circle etc but the one thought that won was not to be here anymore.

This is not a pity post it's an I'm trying to understand men and why they don't ask for help

It's not just men, I'd two family members that took there life both male and female.

Although depression and mental health is spoken about alot I think people still see a stigma connected to it.

The mental health system here is very understaffed and alot of people needing It's services.

You also have alot of people who abuse the system too, from my own experience I find doctors give you medication like they're handing out sweets , take these for a few months and come back and we'll see what way they're working, rather than try to get to the issue of the cause and mental health appointments take so long to get.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s worse is the fake ‘caring’ too.

Not so long ago, I was struggling and feeling isolated, I asked if anyone had time for a coffee n chat. Not a single person I know responded. All after they spout the whole ‘I’d be there for anyone, anytime’ lines.

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By *heVonMatterhornsCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln

From experience at work, and watching this happen to others is why I didn't say anything. People don't listen, and they don't *really* want to help.

You get down, depressed, whatever. You tall to management, you get medical help (grwat), but at the sane time that management who claimed to want to help takes you away from what you enjoy doing and shoves you in a back office doing paperwork because you *might* be a "liability". And of course, thay doesnt do wonders for your situation and you're back to square one.

Knee-jerk reactions don't help anyone. I'd rather be unhappy doing something I enjoy, than unhappy and stuck in a cupboard pushing paper.

LvM

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By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

I think and it's only a thought. It is still seen as a weakness by some groups in society, it isn't a weakness the same way broken bones or heart disease aren't weaknesses.

Linked to that is the way people openly talk about MH matters and generally denigrate people with MH issues.

Grief is a MH issue and people aren't denigrated for that, so why other forms of MH!

The phrases "man up", " real men don't cry" & " grow a pair" are still used widely up here when someone is struggling and therefore, in my opinion, people will hide their feelings rather than show emotion or ask for help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honestly?? It’s the “man up” “you’re tough” statements. Men are more isolated than we have people believe.

I can say for myself, I wear my heart on my sleeve, not shy at showing emotion. But when it comes to asking for help, it’s the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt! And it’s the fear of rejection.

I’d rather face the embarrassment of being rejected by a 100 women than rejected by the 1 person I ask for help from.

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By *dventurous biMan
over a year ago

tesside

Having got as far as having ‘a plan’ I realised that what I needed was some help.

I talked to a guy who I thought of as someone who would be supportive. Told him how close I had felt to acting out my plan. His response… “I was at the childrens’ hospital this week. Those kids have it way tougher than you. Get a fucking grip.”

Luckily I found better listeners although I still have a very clear idea about how to do it (much better than the plan I had then)

I’m open about my issues with friends and acquaintances, and always willing to listen.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Who are you going to ask for help? Lol

The best thing I did was talk to someone. And find the strength to talk about my shit. And blog about it. For my friends. And my family. But until then it was like, who do you talk to that gets it? That won’t project stupid masculinity ideal onto you?

First time I spoke to my Mum and Nan about shit that was breaking me, I cried my eyes out and they told me I have to get on with it. Lol.

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By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

"What’s worse is the fake ‘caring’ too.

I just read this and your comment made me text a mate who has a serious health issue going on in his family.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In terms of mental health and male suicide I think the question is the wrong way round - it puts all the emphasis on those in crisis to be be proactive. I think we should ask why mental health services and society at large haven't found the means to reach out to men in crisis in ways that would really help them, which would often go well beyond just talking.

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By *reamblueMan
over a year ago

London

"What’s worse is the fake ‘caring’ too.

That sucks. They might feel like they have to come up with a solution so avoid the situation. however just having another human being to say the words to makes a huge difference

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Honestly?? It’s the “man up” “you’re tough” statements. Men are more isolated than we have people believe.

I can say for myself, I wear my heart on my sleeve, not shy at showing emotion. But when it comes to asking for help, it’s the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt! And it’s the fear of rejection.

I’d rather face the embarrassment of being rejected by a 100 women than rejected by the 1 person I ask for help from."

That being said, I have asked for help from a firm called “Shout”.

If you text SHOUT to 85258, they’ll text back.

I’ve used them and I find them to be brilliant.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I can't answer your question not being a man but just by observing how men are treated on here compared to women I think goes some way to answering the question.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had some therapy after my marriage ended as I'd been on anti-depressants for a time and didn't want to be on them again. It's hard to admit you need help and open up, plus it's very costly if you aren't accessing help through the NHS.

Nowadays there's no-one to talk to if/when I feel bad; I just cope.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is only my own view, but I really dislike when people say "talk about it"

Ok, "this pisses me off, I'm annoyed at this, I feel cheated over this, this is what keeps me up at night"

Firstly, this will probably be a very angry, frustrated, uncomfortable conversation and I dont think people realise that.

A man being angry and upset is toxic, we should be calm.

Most of the things we will probably talk about will also be labled the same, and the outcome will be that it changes how you see us.

Did you ever see Catastrophe on Channel 4? Amazing series that I thought captured a mans emotional struggle best.

He has a well paid job, he has friends, he has a wife and beautiful children. His wife works a shitty paid job, is raising the children, has a brother with emotional problems, has a father going through Alzeimers and things always go wrong.

So he doesnt have any "big" problems, certainly not compared to hers, but over the 3 series he returns to being an alcoholic and it all comes to a head.

Everyone can recognise his stress and struggle, but if you explain it to someone it doesnt sound right.

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By *ereagainlolMan
over a year ago

Lerwick

Maybe it's because if you do tell someone you do have depression and you get the reply, what have you got to be depressed about? Has to be the stupidest question in the world.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Also the flip is I talk all the time now and it’s like that realisation how exhausting you are as a person, a friend, a partner, when you’re constantly feeling low. So some shit you just gotta do on your own.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"Honestly, nobody listens. You tell friends about abusive relationships and they laugh it off. You tell family members you’re struggling and they don’t check on you. It’s easier to deal with it on your own than tell people and then be laughed at or ignored."

I'm not a man but I struggled to get help and support when I was at my lowest. The most help came from my employer and a work colleague, who has become a firm friend. My pre-disability friends don't understand. They've evaporated. I'm no longer invited to join them (it's hard work finding accessible everything) and so other than Mr KC (who is autistic), I deal with my mental health myself. So far, I've coped but heaven knows if that will last.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was going through a tough time mentally a few years ago, I was in tears as I told my wife (ex now) and all I got in reply was "oh that's not good is it?". That was it, no sit down to talk and get it all out like I'd done for her on many occasions. It was simply shrugged off as I'd always been the stronger one in that respect and but after doing that for 20 odd years the cracks were beginning to show in me. One day found myself sitting in front of my GP and just burst. Glad I did as I was instantly in a better place soon after and I've never looked back. It took that step for it to sink in with my family how bad it was. Don't keep it in, sometimes even getting it all out to a complete stranger can make all the difference you need!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think we take a lot from our primary care givers, ie, our parents. They were raised in an era where "emotions" were weak. Its what they know, in turn they taught us the same.

Its something I'm more mindful of now I have kids, to try and be open with them but... to answer your question, in short.. we were never taught how. Equally, the times we (or I, at least) tried... we were often met with the "man up" mentality, enforcing that our emotions were a weakness, un'manlike.

The only way to break the cycle, is to raise our own differently. To be the change... to open up. Something which I'm waaaaaaay better at now, and, as a result... much happier and healthier, and I've battled mental health since childhood

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstlqy, I'm so sorry to hear that

I think what stops me is feeling no one would fully understand what I'm going through and if I did, they would just try to fix it thinking they're helping when sometimes I just want them to listen.

Another reason is that I don't want to burden them with my issues and having the feeling that everyone has stuff going on so there's no reason for me to not get on with it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m quite lucky that I haven’t really suffered with depression but I did have a wobble a short while ago. The realisation that nobody actually gave a shit was tough so I can see how that might push someone over the edge.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 07/05/22 10:53:32]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I had some therapy after my marriage ended as I'd been on anti-depressants for a time and didn't want to be on them again. It's hard to admit you need help and open up, plus it's very costly if you aren't accessing help through the NHS.

Nowadays there's no-one to talk to if/when I feel bad; I just cope. "

Theres always someone. If there doesn't appear to be, message me. Always happy to be am ear for someone in need

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Also the flip is I talk all the time now and it’s like that realisation how exhausting you are as a person, a friend, a partner, when you’re constantly feeling low. So some shit you just gotta do on your own. "

Oh my God, this as well. You don't want to be a chore to be around so it's better saying nothing as opposed to having people leave you

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

Yep sadly this is true

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For some it's how we are built might be a age thing I certainly don't talk to anyone about things but my kids do I've had eight friends do this.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

Our son (19) talks to me, to his girlfriend and his friends. He's very open and his friends are too. I'm thankful for that, even if it's meant turning out at 2am to deal with a crisis.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Following years of bullying at school, and never having anyone to support me, I considered doing the deed…. Whst got me to stop was realising that by taking my own life I was only playing into the hands of the bullies. Since then I’ve never wanted to share my feelings, when I get pressurised to share my feelings or interact socially I turn into a closed locked book, I never reach out because I feel only I can deal with my issues, which takes longer leaving me to now realise that I’m missing out on lost time. I also feel that no matter what I say or do I will be criticised for it, and my opinion does matter. I’m still socially conscious and find it difficult in crowds…. All because some people thought they were better than me rather than equal to me. ……

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That must have been tough. If they can’t make slight changes to their normal days out to accommodate you they’re probably not worth having as friends in the first place.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Also, take a look at how we treat men with emotional issues in the media:

Kanye West is watching another man raise his children but he's crazy.

Will Smith is literally being cuckolded.

Tyrese Gibson being mocked over crying because he cant see his kids.

Do I look like I want to be like them?

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By *ilbrequin1Man
over a year ago

around

Such an emotive topic and have had a personal experience this week realising that often the recognition that someone needs something comes from those you least expect or those that aren’t close to you.

For me a number of my issues and the support my friends or family offer is based on the perception that the problem can be fixed and it’s a straight forward as do x and y will happen. When you don’t or can’t follow that they start to withdraw support and to a certain extent put blame or pressure back onto you - ‘I told you what to do’

I can’t say I have ever felt suicidal but I have and do feel isolated, lost and struggling. Those that were closest to me have moved further and further away as I don’t no conform to their version of the me they think I should be and then it took the actions of a relative stranger this week to actually listen without judgement and without agenda and for those people I am grateful

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yep sadly this is true

Without bringing men Vs women into the debate I feel like a lot of men just accept abuse as part of being in a relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh and violence against men.

In the next week listen and look for references to violence towards men, and flip it for a woman.

Even on this site there's casual mention of violence to all men.

Someone in jest told me they'd smash my head off the bar. In complete jest but I cant say that about a woman.

We hear it all the time, in jest, in passing, in an off hand what you'd do to your husband if he did this!

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

As a parent to 2 young adult sons this has been playing on my mind for awhile .I’m lucky in that we have a brilliant relationship and they both know no matter what they can talk to me and their dad about anything and thankfully they do.

Our youngest son has been going through something for the last 2 years and the support out their for mental health is extremely hard to access.

The early hours this morning he rang us as he needed a chat and was feeling anxious and didn’t want it to become a full blown anxiety attack.Not everyone has the support of family/friends to turn to when their finding it tough and I suppose that’s when they feel like they have no other option.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Because a large majority of people are still of the "just man up and get on with it mentality". His family wouldn't have been but this is the exact reason didn't open up for years. When you get that response it just shuts you off even more.

My issues only came to light when I had massive breakdown very publicly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think talking in itself has minimal benefit unless you have the family and friend structures in place to follow up with practical, ongoing support. Sadly many don't.

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By *ighlander81Man
over a year ago

Hamilton

I have been there and I made an attempt on my own life, my head convinced me that no one cared anymore and it would be pointless to reach out, all I wanted was my suffering to end and I only had one goal in mind.

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

Whilst doffing ones virtual cap to the Op in asking the question I would say equally one could ask the question 'why do people (not all) not want to listen'?

In some ways both are two sides of the same coin and feed negatively off each other..

the reasons behind as some have well stated are all around us in society and it's equally bizarre and wrong that we accept the numbers of women murdered by men annually and the numbers of men who choose suicide as an option..

There are some excellent and supportive organisations out there..

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By *ighlander81Man
over a year ago

Hamilton

"Whilst doffing ones virtual cap to the Op in asking the question I would say equally one could ask the question 'why do people (not all) not want to listen'?

In some ways both are two sides of the same coin and feed negatively off each other..

There are some excellent and supportive organisations out there..

I can confirm there are great organisations willing to help and I would like to advise anyone who is struggling to definitely reach out to friends and family too, everyone cares it’s just hard to show at times as everyone has their own stresses, they will always turn their attention and help though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's been over a year since a male family member took his own life.

This past week two more male acquaintance ended their life's.

What stops you from reaching out for help.

My family member had a huge family, huge social circle etc but the one thought that won was not to be here anymore.

This is not a pity post it's an I'm trying to understand men and why they don't ask for help

My biggest fear is to be a burden on others my best friends who are male fear the same thing . I suspect he never opened up for this reason he never wanted to be a burden to those he cared about . Sad but that is us men our strength is we want to be the one who helps the one you can turn to our fear is to be the one who needs help .

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By *agertha73Couple
over a year ago

Cardiff

There are always exceptions of course, but as an average, men don't care about each other, in the way that women care about each other.

There are hundreds are of reasons for this, but it doesn't have to stay this way forever.

Him x

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I've been a carer from the age of 12. I've always been the supportive one for family and friends and for many years none of that was reciprocated.

I assumed that was my role and I just had to accept it because I had nothing to compare and contrast with.

I gave up on all my school friends because they were good at taking but not giving.

It was never about manning up or feeling weak. Just not knowing there were options.

I never discussed feelings or emotions with anyone ever until falling ill in my early 40s and even then I internalised everything and my only outlet became chatting online with strangers. Even then it was all going around in circles.

The first time I asked for help was 4 years ago and I went to CBT counselling which to be honest did nothing for me.

At the same time I went on a life changing and life affirming trip and that showed me what life could be like if I was more open and I haven't looked back since.

Even in my darkest moments though I have never reached a point where I considered ending it all so in that way I must be one of the lucky ones.

I am still extremely cynical though of people who are quick to offer lip service in regard to helping but previous experience with them has shown they would be the last person I would ask.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is my experience also, only when I paid somebody to listen, did they.

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

"Our son (19) talks to me, to his girlfriend and his friends. He's very open and his friends are too. I'm thankful for that, even if it's meant turning out at 2am to deal with a crisis. "

Same, I've had a few issues with mine, starting during the GCSEs. But I've always told him he can tell me anything and I'll do whatever I can to help.

He's also great at supporting his mates with heavy stuff.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Heck where do you start, and ultimately whilst it's certainly more prevalent in mental, surely it's individual?

Societies construct of what men should be then feeling failure and withdrawal.

Upbringing.

Depression.

No purpose in a world where due to your own pressure, you feel responsible for changing things.

It just goes on. And god forbid you claim woe is me!

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By *hirleyMan
over a year ago

somewhere

I think it's fairly inbedded in our dna, men are used to taking knocks, that's not born of a social situation but hardwired. Yes I know people may disagree with my simplistic view of the male hunter gatherer role, but from my view I see that in men very much. I work in a male dominated place of work, or industry in general, its easy to link decisions and actions to male mindsets, and the basis is to act first then communicate after, if at all.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

"Because I’ve always dealt with my troubles in the only way I know. That is by myself, not asking for help. I grew up very insular and socially isolated, with very few friends to speak of. It’s just my nature and after 40 odd years of doing it, it’s just changing anytime soon."

Pretty much this too!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is my experience also, only when I paid somebody to listen, did they.

Unfortunately this is the case for a lot of men.

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

This. There's no-one who wants to listen. Men can end up living very isolated lives and very few people want to listen. If you go back to school days, a boy complaining was either ignored, or told that it wasn't a problem. It carries on into adult life: you want someone to unload to, but people (both men and women) either don't care, or you're embarrassing them if you try to talk about how you feel.

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham

I still think a lot of men still feel there is do much stigma surrounding mental health. A lot feel they are classed as the stronger sex and can't be seen not to be strong and coping, that it's not the done thing to admit they struggle emotionally and some think they aren't allowed to cry.

Of course that is all totally wrong, men have feelings and emotions and should never feel that they can't truly show/tell someone how they are feeling.

It's so sad, I've known a few men personally who took their own lives. As usual, brave and happy on the outside.

I do think attitudes are changing but it's a slow process.

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By *ellhungvweMan
over a year ago

Cheltenham

This

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By *m389Man
over a year ago

Bromley

I think talking only helps if you know the person you’re talking to truly cares. A lot of us don’t have these people in our lives. Talking to anyone else you’re just placing more negativity into them.

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By *ellhungvweMan
over a year ago

Cheltenham

Great thread. Absolutely spot on with pretty much every comment.

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

Never really had anyone to open up to, so never really find the ability to talk to people when I find the chance.

There was a fantastic woman on here who messaged me a long time ago, telling me if I needed to talk she was there. I never could tell her anything, as I felt it would give someone something to use against me.

I am not saying that anyone would do that, but it is how I see things.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Afraid people won't believe or understand

Don't want to burden people

Stupidly think no one cares or would notice if not around

Afraid of being seen as the boy who called wolf

If the day comes when I try again would hope I would call someone but can't guarantee

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's alot of great valid points in this thread hopefully anyone reading this whi is struggling.

Will realise there's light at the end of the tunnel and they're not alone.

They've plenty of options.

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By *k_guyMan
over a year ago

Ipswich

It is strange as I encourage people I work with to open up and do whatever I can to help them. But when it comes to me, there is sort of a strong front as it’s just what I am used to.

There is a lot of help out there, and I have taken on a life coach, who has really helped me get out of some dark times around 6 months ago. It’s just not easy to talk to the people around us.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The truth is we come into this world on our own and we leave it on our own.

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By *ornyandy83Man
over a year ago

telford

For me I've suffered with depression since I was about 16, I've had help a few times and it comes and goes but currently not having the best time, I've got family trying to get me to see someone but the troulbe I have at the moment is that I can't see it helping, I don't know what would help, I'm just not happy, I know I should do something but just can't motivate myself to because as I say I can't see anything making it better.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Afraid people won't believe or understand

Don't want to burden people

Stupidly think no one cares or would notice if not around

Afraid of being seen as the boy who called wolf

If the day comes when I try again would hope I would call someone but can't guarantee "

Save one of the text services in your phone. I think Samaritans have one. And 'Shout' (Google 'give us a shout').

A text may be easier than a voice call. X

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By *hrough the looking gla55Couple
over a year ago

Epsom

Those elicit words " man up "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"For me I've suffered with depression since I was about 16, I've had help a few times and it comes and goes but currently not having the best time, I've got family trying to get me to see someone but the troulbe I have at the moment is that I can't see it helping, I don't know what would help, I'm just not happy, I know I should do something but just can't motivate myself to because as I say I can't see anything making it better."

This I understand in that I am not sure what will help. Was asked the other week if I wanted to get better and made me think as I have no idea who I would be without these thoughts.

And when one time did ask for help was told did not need the help thought I did and my reaction was do I need to prove that I do

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

When I had my heart attack I was going through a really bad time. I remember being in the ICU ward and angry that it hadn’t taken me, thus ending all of my problems.

Unfortunately a lot of people don’t like to talk about death or why you’d welcome it. They guilt trip you about your children or friends etc.. never get to the nub of the problem.

I have felt suicidal for the majority of my life and it’s weird because I don’t suffer from depression. If things get really tough for me I always consider it as a last option as a way out. Never attempted it but do have a plan of how I’d successfully complete it.

I was a Samaritan for quite a few years and totally understand why someone would end their life. Some of the experiences from my callers has followed me around. Due to this and my own issues I don’t rule it out in the future as I dread old age and not being able to look after myself.

It’s not always about mental health for someone like me it’s about controlling one’s own destiny. That’s why I can’t talk to friends or family about it, they’ll never understand.

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By *tephanjMan
over a year ago

Kettering

When I'm at my lowest point I always try to find someone to chat to. I don't have much family left so my partner helps . I tried my docs but all I got from them was oh here take these anti depressants they will help, and no way am I going down that route

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By *amantha TSWoman
over a year ago

Swindon

For me it was the guilt of wasting other people's time with issues that, to them, might be insignificant. That and the honest belief that if I went no-one would miss me. I've got a psychological bully of an ex-wife to thank for that, and the man up culture of the Forces.

Even now its difficult to explain what happened in those dark times, but having been there it's easy to recognise when I'm starting to head down that road and stop myself, and get help if I need it.

Unfortunately for some it really is a case of not being able to learn from other people's mistakes (including me, an uncle committed suicide when I was young and it was never really talked about, just brushed under the carpet quietly). Everyone has a different capacity to deal with issues so there's no "one size fits all" approach mental health services could adopt to be proactive in these situations. But better funding for what currently exists, more campaigning and attaching less stigma to mental health (for all genders) will be a great start.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It all depends I believe on what the issue is. Some people can openly talk about problems, sadly many can’t. I listen to guys who seem to come to me when they have something on there mind. Many are actually straight men and know I won’t judge. Some have issue with finances, some with a Partner some with sexuality and it’s all about what others will think. I am lucky I have family who I can speak to and they listen though I suppose I don’t have issues because I talk about anything that’s worrying me. My dad was a good listener my mum not so. When I was younger I spoke to the Samaritans about coming out. They told me how to approach it and who to go to first. It was my dad. It was tormenting me I was engaged to be married etc etc. I am now godfather to her two daughters both grown up and married now. And always come talk to me as di there husbands. So guys if you want to chat I will listen or better still phone a helpline. They listen.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I could have written this.

And I have another friend that’s said something similar. By telling his pals that he was struggling, what do those pals thing of him, like he needs to be pampered or don’t pick on him when it’s the jibes and talking the p’ss is what keeps him him going sometimes. (Life’s not all bad etc)

Peoples view of you when your each out quickly changes. But I listened to a respected man when he said, we ask for help to learn lots wether it’s sports or a new skill, we have coaches/teachers. So why not look for a coach for life skills and how to deal with life’s problems.?

Councilers should be normalised.

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By *atalie.. OP Woman
over a year ago

Bolton

Totally and utterly heart wrenching reading the responses in this thread

Thank you all for being so open and honest x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Totally and utterly heart wrenching reading the responses in this thread

Thank you all for being so open and honest x"

Sorry for your loss and thanks for starting the thread

Initially this would not be tte place i would expect people to open up as most come here for fun and to escape life issues. Also I know for me I worry being so open will put people off contacting me for fun as they may worry am no fun to be around.

But anything that gets people talking has to be good and if such threads give even one person hope it's worth it

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By *amantha TSWoman
over a year ago

Swindon

You want to know the real reason?

Being scared in that making yourself vulnerable enough to put yourself out there to ask for help, and then no-one listening because they're too busy.

You'd like to think there's always someone. But there often isn't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You want to know the real reason?

Being scared in that making yourself vulnerable enough to put yourself out there to ask for help, and then no-one listening because they're too busy.

You'd like to think there's always someone. But there often isn't."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We're not allowed to

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By *herryEatersCouple
over a year ago

East Cheshire

"It's been over a year since a male family member took his own life.

This past week two more male acquaintance ended their life's.

What stops you from reaching out for help.

My family member had a huge family, huge social circle etc but the one thought that won was not to be here anymore.

This is not a pity post it's an I'm trying to understand men and why they don't ask for help

Simple, many if not most men find that official support networks are all for or highly biased towards women (we don't even have a minister for men or shelters from violent partners). Police riducule, belittle and ignore abuse upon men. Life teaches us we're supposed to be strong and without feelings, we're not supposed to cry or ask for help as that shows weakness. We find we're living in a highly gender biased world where men are now treated as second class citizens, especially when it comes to fatherhood and the disgusting family courts. We have no choice but to bottle things up and hence greatly suffer as a result.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh and violence against men.

In the next week listen and look for references to violence towards men, and flip it for a woman.

Even on this site there's casual mention of violence to all men.

Someone in jest told me they'd smash my head off the bar. In complete jest but I cant say that about a woman.

We hear it all the time, in jest, in passing, in an off hand what you'd do to your husband if he did this!"

It's everywhere. Look out for it in the next film you watch. Female violence against men is either portrayed as funny or justified.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Oh and violence against men.

In the next week listen and look for references to violence towards men, and flip it for a woman.

Even on this site there's casual mention of violence to all men.

Someone in jest told me they'd smash my head off the bar. In complete jest but I cant say that about a woman.

We hear it all the time, in jest, in passing, in an off hand what you'd do to your husband if he did this!

It's everywhere. Look out for it in the next film you watch. Female violence against men is either portrayed as funny or justified.

Mr"

Agreed.

Good Karma Hospital had an episode where acid was thrown over a woman. This was universally condemned as a bad thing

The following series a male doctor was punched by two different women, splitting his lip, because he dumped one of them. The script required the doctor to say "I deserved it"

I was shaking my head sadly and now wish I'd contacted the TV station to complain.

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

I think it's this, I think people don't feel there's anything anybody could say or do that would make them feel better and that they feel most people can't possibly understand how it feels.

So they just don't feel any reason to reach out or try to communicate how they feel as they just don't feel they can be helped.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bookmarking as I would like to know more and understand more. I have a friend who has suffered from depression and know how he felt about asking for help. He eventually did and he's in a better place.

It does take courage to open up about mental health problems. It's taken 30 years for me to be open about mine and I don't encounter the same stigmas and fears that hold men back.

Asking for help from others is bloody hard. Admitting you can't do it all is not weak. It's human. Perhaps more women need to say this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I still think a lot of men still feel there is do much stigma surrounding mental health. A lot feel they are classed as the stronger sex and can't be seen not to be strong and coping, that it's not the done thing to admit they struggle emotionally and some think they aren't allowed to cry.

Of course that is all totally wrong, men have feelings and emotions and should never feel that they can't truly show/tell someone how they are feeling.

It's so sad, I've known a few men personally who took their own lives. As usual, brave and happy on the outside.

I do think attitudes are changing but it's a slow process. "

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

"Oh and violence against men.

In the next week listen and look for references to violence towards men, and flip it for a woman.

Even on this site there's casual mention of violence to all men.

Someone in jest told me they'd smash my head off the bar. In complete jest but I cant say that about a woman.

We hear it all the time, in jest, in passing, in an off hand what you'd do to your husband if he did this!

It's everywhere. Look out for it in the next film you watch. Female violence against men is either portrayed as funny or justified.

Agreed.

Good Karma Hospital had an episode where acid was thrown over a woman. This was universally condemned as a bad thing

The following series a male doctor was punched by two different women, splitting his lip, because he dumped one of them. The script required the doctor to say "I deserved it"

I was shaking my head sadly and now wish I'd contacted the TV station to complain. "

Tbf, the 2 scenarios aren't that comparable

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Truthfully. I prefer to solve my own problems.

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By *ig1gaz1Man
over a year ago

bradford

Sadly the men dont talk like the ladies do, Yhey also dont ask for help.

and when they do they are either shamed, ridiculed or ignored.

with

man up comments

your a male you can handle it

the shaming comes from gossip with the other men

those that do ask for help and ive been there.

I asked for help and got nothing the one person i thought i could trust tried her best to get me the help. (health visitor)

she was ignored i was ignored in a violent situation asking for help getting nothing until i finnaly snapped after 1 years worth of it all.

have I escaped this situation

I find its still thrown at me even now, im scapegoated and made to feel responsible.

even 15 years after the fact its still thrown.

ive had there own system proove discrimination between male and female exists.

Thats completley disreguarded and you still get scapegoated and made to feel responsible.

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By *omerset tvTV/TS
over a year ago

Weston-super-Mare

Trouble is alot of men my age were told too "Man up" and also sort yourself out "You big girls blouse " real men dont get worried about anything and this causes a big stigma in a guys mind

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you just have to look at the amount of posts on sexless relationships, which shows how difficult men find it to have a difficult conversation. Us men, usually choose fight and flight, neither of which will be of benefit. Plus male friends are usually rubbish listeners. Even worse, if you have no friends, you'llbe surprised how often this happens to men more than women. Very difficult going back to your parents when you are failing in something. They created you, neutered you and think you as special. Men don't them to see you at your lowest.

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

I can only speak from personal experience.

I didn't realise I needed help, so never asked for it.

Work, family, marital issues had pushed me to an edge I didn't know I was standing on.

One day, exasperated at work I told my boss I was feeling stressed. His answer was "a little stress is good for you".

2 days later I was behind the wheel of my car doing 70, contemplating crossing the lanes and burying my car under an oncoming lorry.

I didn't. I still don't know what stopped me.

Drove home, sat in the car outside the house for 45 minutes. Crying.

Went in, called the doctor, got an appointment, talked, did some tests, got a diagnosis, meds and counselling.

Out of the counselling came coping strategies.

From that point on I knew to recognise the signs of a spiral, how to put the brakes on and importantly, to speak up if I needed help.

Speaking up and talking are hard. Fucking hard. Harder still if you don't even recognise yourself that you need to.

I've given talks on mental health at a couple of wellness days at firm's I've worked for.

I always hope my voice helps someone else find theirs.

Hiding this shit isn't being strong. Opening your mouth and speaking is true strength.

Winston

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can only speak from personal experience.

I didn't realise I needed help, so never asked for it.

Work, family, marital issues had pushed me to an edge I didn't know I was standing on.

One day, exasperated at work I told my boss I was feeling stressed. His answer was "a little stress is good for you".

2 days later I was behind the wheel of my car doing 70, contemplating crossing the lanes and burying my car under an oncoming lorry.

I didn't. I still don't know what stopped me.

Drove home, sat in the car outside the house for 45 minutes. Crying.

Went in, called the doctor, got an appointment, talked, did some tests, got a diagnosis, meds and counselling.

Out of the counselling came coping strategies.

From that point on I knew to recognise the signs of a spiral, how to put the brakes on and importantly, to speak up if I needed help.

Speaking up and talking are hard. Fucking hard. Harder still if you don't even recognise yourself that you need to.

I've given talks on mental health at a couple of wellness days at firm's I've worked for.

I always hope my voice helps someone else find theirs.

Hiding this shit isn't being strong. Opening your mouth and speaking is true strength.

Winston"

Thanks for sharing and glad you managed to get help

When I asked at work was told all I needed was god and my life would be sorted.

When I did hit rock bottom and semi tried, a couple of hours later I was at a friend's party with no one the wiser. Think that's what partly saved me as did want the party to be associated or tainted by that memory.

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

"I can only speak from personal experience.

I didn't realise I needed help, so never asked for it.

Work, family, marital issues had pushed me to an edge I didn't know I was standing on.

One day, exasperated at work I told my boss I was feeling stressed. His answer was "a little stress is good for you".

2 days later I was behind the wheel of my car doing 70, contemplating crossing the lanes and burying my car under an oncoming lorry.

I didn't. I still don't know what stopped me.

Drove home, sat in the car outside the house for 45 minutes. Crying.

Went in, called the doctor, got an appointment, talked, did some tests, got a diagnosis, meds and counselling.

Out of the counselling came coping strategies.

From that point on I knew to recognise the signs of a spiral, how to put the brakes on and importantly, to speak up if I needed help.

Speaking up and talking are hard. Fucking hard. Harder still if you don't even recognise yourself that you need to.

I've given talks on mental health at a couple of wellness days at firm's I've worked for.

I always hope my voice helps someone else find theirs.

Hiding this shit isn't being strong. Opening your mouth and speaking is true strength.

Winston

Thanks for sharing and glad you managed to get help

When I asked at work was told all I needed was god and my life would be sorted.

I'm not sure I actually answered the thread title to be fair, just went off on a ramble.

If 1 person heard and it helped, I'm glad.

Winston

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By *inkyInkedBiWoman
over a year ago

When my husband was going through chemo treatment, two years plus, he opened up to me and his boss at work that he felt suicidal. He was going through hell with side effects and it had just worn him down so much. I’ll always remember it. It was the same time as it was on the news about Gary speed.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

Whether you agree or not, opening up as a man make you look lesser to people

Not everyone, but it exists.

Until that changes I won’t open up. I don’t see the point. Society isn’t ready for men to have feelings and problems

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Men like Winston being open about it will undoubtedly help, but also women being supportive listeners. I've found that a lot of guys just value the chance to talk to someone who won't say "man up", who will listen.

I found myself chatting to a multitude of men online over the last few years even after I'd said I wasn't interested. Many of them in their late twenties, early thirties. Prime time for mental health to be affected. Just lending an ear seems to help, but a counsellor would help more because I sure am not one! I haven't talked to as many men here because they just come on so heavy and that's off putting.

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

"Whether you agree or not, opening up as a man make you look lesser to people

Not everyone, but it exists.

Until that changes I won’t open up. I don’t see the point. Society isn’t ready for men to have feelings and problems "

The more people who truly believe it is acceptable, understand and have empathy, the more society will change.

Winston

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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

People like that 'Amber Heard' are 1 readon why some men end it

When she said I quote "tell them Jonnie, you a man are a victim of Domestic A, see who will believe you! See if the judge or jury will believe you"

Then you think actually she's right, society has been made to believe men can't be victims too so what's the point!

That's my 2 cents

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Proud

Embarrassment

Many reasons why was bullied at work three years ago company will never take responsibility for the offensive actions by a senior employee when we grow up especially older guys we’re supposed to suck it up

Load of horse shit i needed help wasn’t there from anyone no where to turn inevatible happend break down months of work

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By *9alMan
over a year ago

Bridgend

"You want to know the real reason?

Being scared in that making yourself vulnerable enough to put yourself out there to ask for help, and then no-one listening because they're too busy.

You'd like to think there's always someone. But there often isn't."

I used to be a volunteer with the Samaritans they are there 24/7 & try to help but often men dont want to talk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Social stigma, lack of understanding, and being told to man up, I have only recently started to talk about my own issues, went through drug and alcohol abuse, and a almost successful suicide attempt, 21 years in the army and injured in afgan IED 2014 complex ptsd, I have learnt to open and be honest, it's bloody hard crying in front of someone because you have no idea why your life is so hard but try I did and without a doubt H4H /RBL saved my life

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

"Social stigma, lack of understanding, and being told to man up, I have only recently started to talk about my own issues, went through drug and alcohol abuse, and a almost successful suicide attempt, 21 years in the army and injured in afgan IED 2014 complex ptsd, I have learnt to open and be honest, it's bloody hard crying in front of someone because you have no idea why your life is so hard but try I did and without a doubt H4H /RBL saved my life "

Salute.

Winston

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Salute.

Winston"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honestly in my family you wasn't a man if you cried let alone had to talk about things, guess comes from being a bunch of old school gangsters, then the army didn't let you show weakness after that biker gangs you would show no weakness so no surprise when I burnt out and decided to try checking out of life early, 6 years later my life is going ok, therapy helps still and at least I know where to turn now.

So any guys thinking it's not the man thing to do just ask for help, it's the easy thing not to

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mentally my problems never outweighed my need to help others.

Then of course when their problems are resolved and they are finally happy. I never wanted to burden them with my problems and bring them back down.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm really glad you sought some help

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By *ryandseeMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire

"Honestly in my family you wasn't a man if you cried let alone had to talk about things, guess comes from being a bunch of old school gangsters, then the army didn't let you show weakness after that biker gangs you would show no weakness so no surprise when I burnt out and decided to try checking out of life early, 6 years later my life is going ok, therapy helps still and at least I know where to turn now.

So any guys thinking it's not the man thing to do just ask for help, it's the easy thing not to "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My thoughts, partly informed by by own journey.

For whatever reason, my emotion vocab is limited. I'm happy, sad, scared, or overwhelmed. I need to use a feelings wheel plus mindfulness to get any naunace.

I find it hard to talk openly and honestly even to professionals, let alone those I care about.

Having joined a men's group, I also note that maybe part of this is being vulnerable in front of women. I've seen first hand how much being open can put stress on relationships. Imo guys used to have male only safe spaces which have now been multi sexed. The only space that I now have which is guys only is football, but that's a competitive environment. I think women have more women only opportunities, partly because they create them.

Finally, there's the whole society bit. From man up, to alpha, to toxic masculinity, there is very little space to have an honest conversation that life aint perfect.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My thoughts, partly informed by by own journey.

For whatever reason, my emotion vocab is limited. I'm happy, sad, scared, or overwhelmed. I need to use a feelings wheel plus mindfulness to get any naunace.

I find it hard to talk openly and honestly even to professionals, let alone those I care about.

Finally, there's the whole society bit. From man up, to alpha, to toxic masculinity, there is very little space to have an honest conversation that life aint perfect.

I still try and play rugby, it been one of the most important places, where you would not imagine guys talk, we do! And have 4 mental health first aiders and as the aussies say mates, I could call any of them and they me if needed

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By *ack688Man
over a year ago

abruzzo Italy (and UK)

Because not everyone feels they can be helped, talking about stuff doesn’t necessarily make things better for a lot of people, not everyone gets to be healed. Some people maybe don’t want to put the work in, the pain they know they will keep enduring for what seems like an impossible amount of time is too much, will take too long, and so taking their life is an easier option. Saying you are feeling suicidal can be seen as nothing more than a cry for help and maybe those who are serious about it wouldn’t want to be seen that way.

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