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If you can’t conceive

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was having this dilemma like at 6am (hello crazy biatch) this morning, after a follow up with one of my therapists etc, talking about men and creating a family.

Anyway, as you know, I can’t have my own kids, and without going into too many details I didn’t save any of my DNA to have my own. (It just felt extremely wrong In my mind, I didn’t entertain it for a sec)

say you can’t either, would you rather adopt, or would you rather say do IVF using the bf/husband’s seed and maybe ask your sister for one of her eggs? As that’d carry some similar DNA to you?

I kind of don’t know what I’d do, and I do wonder if I’d harbour some hidden jealousy of knowing the egg wasn’t mine but my sister’s and was fertilised with my future boyfriend’s seed.

Has anyone thought of anything similar? I think I’d be very open to adoption personally but the other route, wouldn’t be totally off.

Im sorry if I sound weird but this is really hitting me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have no experience with this but in my opinion with regards to a surrogate I think all of those feelings would go out the window once the baby comes.

I know someone who met his wife whilst she was pregnant with somebody else’s kid and he loves that now 21 year old exactly the same as he loves his other 2 kids.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I have no experience with this but in my opinion with regards to a surrogate I think all of those feelings would go out the window once the baby comes.

I know someone who met his wife whilst she was pregnant with somebody else’s kid and he loves that now 21 year old exactly the same as he loves his other 2 kids."

It totally makes perfect sense x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've no experience either but the idea of adopting has always seemed like a naturally good idea to me

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

If I was in a stable relationship and wanted more kids, I’d most likely look at the fostering/adoption route.

So many children have a need for loving, supportive families, without bringing more people into the world.

I understand the primal urge to further your DNA but speaking as a step dad, genetics don’t make a family, love does

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By *iss.ddWoman
over a year ago

Leeds + Newcastle

I'd personally rather adopt, to give a child a better life than go through the potential heartbreak of IVF

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"If I was in a stable relationship and wanted more kids, I’d most likely look at the fostering/adoption route.

So many children have a need for loving, supportive families, without bringing more people into the world.

I understand the primal urge to further your DNA but speaking as a step dad, genetics don’t make a family, love does"

I totally agree, I think I’d be more than open to adopt with how things are rather than go for the expensive DNA route.

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By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London

Despite having children (two, both closer to 40 than 30 years old) whom I would die for, my maternal side is weak. I would see a donor egg with partner sperm as not my child but someone I'm looking after, his baby, not mine.

Adoption would be my option if I was so inclined but I was never the woman who longed for children.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/05/22 09:56:30]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I would see a donor egg with partner sperm as not my child but someone I'm looking after, his baby, not mine."

That’s why I wondered too if I’d harbour some sort of resentment or a reminder that the child didn’t come from me hmm

While adoption is a bit more neutral ground

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By *aughty but nice...Man
over a year ago

Staffs


"I'd personally rather adopt, to give a child a better life than go through the potential heartbreak of IVF"

I get what you mean I went through the heart break of IVF a few times with my ex wife it is soul destroying to say the least then one day it worked ...adoption was always talked about though.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

No personal experience of either.

I’ve friends who have done all three, they couldn’t be happier, two already had children of their own. No matter how that child comes into your life, adoption, IVF, surrogacy, you’ll love it all the same as if it is your own.

I never had that maternal urge to have a child, so not something I ever thought about. I’ve seen the pain of friends who can’t conceive. It can be a tough, painful road if you really desire to be a mother / father.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can't have kids now, mother nature took that option away from me four years ago but if I had been in a relationship with someone then I would have liked to adopt x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I can't have kids now, mother nature took that option away from me four years ago but if I had been in a relationship with someone then I would have liked to adopt x"

So sorry to hear lovely! Sending big hugs x and yes adoption is great I think x

I know some people who adopted and they are the best parents ever to these kids and they are so lucky to have them as parents x

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By *tarflyLouWoman
over a year ago

Preston

I have young family members who were adopted. We all love them exactly the same as if they’d been born into the family, but due to their rough start in life they’ve got issues which have been incredibly tough and upsetting for their parents to deal with. Coupled with that is the fact that post-adoption support is very lacking sadly. It’s not something that I think I would have been strong enough to cope with and is a really common situation amongst looked after children these days due to the fact that the majority are children who have been taken from their parents rather due to safeguarding concerns. They also have to maintain contact with their birth families, which I understand the importance of but can also be problematic

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By *he love catsCouple
over a year ago

South Wales


"I have no experience with this but in my opinion with regards to a surrogate I think all of those feelings would go out the window once the baby comes.

I know someone who met his wife whilst she was pregnant with somebody else’s kid and he loves that now 21 year old exactly the same as he loves his other 2 kids."

So so true, also fostering/adoption is good to look into, to actually give that child a happy loving home and watch them blossom is so rewarding.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My son and his fiance are starting the adoption process next year as her medical conditions has made it risky for her carry a baby. I don't care that the baby won't have their genetics, to me they would be a child in need of a loving Grandma and that is exactly what I will be

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"My son and his fiance are starting the adoption process next year as her medical conditions has made it risky for her carry a baby. I don't care that the baby won't have their genetics, to me they would be a child in need of a loving Grandma and that is exactly what I will be "

Melts my heart you are going to be amazing x

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By *uliette500Woman
over a year ago

Hull

The issue with adoption is it is very rare to get a baby. Often it is a slightly older child and with them comes issues of previous trauma and upset.

I applaud anyone who takes this on as it's not an easy thing to do. I've seen it with a friend who adopted a 3 year old. The child is now a few years older and finally starting to settle but it's been a tough slog that almost broke them as a couple.

I sure I couldn't have done it.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

I think I'd be happy with a relative's egg, so it carried some family DNA, and the partners baby gravy. That seems the best case scenario here.

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By *tarflyLouWoman
over a year ago

Preston


"The issue with adoption is it is very rare to get a baby. Often it is a slightly older child and with them comes issues of previous trauma and upset.

I applaud anyone who takes this on as it's not an easy thing to do. I've seen it with a friend who adopted a 3 year old. The child is now a few years older and finally starting to settle but it's been a tough slog that almost broke them as a couple.

I sure I couldn't have done it. "

Even with a baby the primary attachment stages are so early and important that a lot of damage can be done in a very short space of time and by the changes in primary carer, from birth family to foster care to adoptive family. I’m glad things are settling for your friend x

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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago

Back of Nowhere and Beyond

I can't carry a baby. I've had 10 miscarriages and lost 12 of the little monsters. So yeah... not quite the same but I get where you're coming from.

I considered a surrogate, my closest female friend offered on a number of occasions. And it tore me up inside, because I'm near certain I wouldn't be able to cope with that, for a number of reasons.

I've also considered adoption, but I think I'd feel like I was waiting for the "real" mum to come back... and that's from past experiences I won't go into. Feels like an utter failure on my part, but it is what it is.

Posh

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I can't carry a baby. I've had 10 miscarriages and lost 12 of the little monsters. So yeah... not quite the same but I get where you're coming from.

I considered a surrogate, my closest female friend offered on a number of occasions. And it tore me up inside, because I'm near certain I wouldn't be able to cope with that, for a number of reasons.

I've also considered adoption, but I think I'd feel like I was waiting for the "real" mum to come back... and that's from past experiences I won't go into. Feels like an utter failure on my part, but it is what it is.

Posh"

So sorry to hear , that must be heart breaking.

I get what you mean about your friend being a surrogate but having those type of thoughts.

Its very similar to my thinking, not sure if it’d manifest for real, but I’d despise myself if I felt that way and would eat me up inside

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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago

Back of Nowhere and Beyond


"I can't carry a baby. I've had 10 miscarriages and lost 12 of the little monsters. So yeah... not quite the same but I get where you're coming from.

I considered a surrogate, my closest female friend offered on a number of occasions. And it tore me up inside, because I'm near certain I wouldn't be able to cope with that, for a number of reasons.

I've also considered adoption, but I think I'd feel like I was waiting for the "real" mum to come back... and that's from past experiences I won't go into. Feels like an utter failure on my part, but it is what it is.

Posh

So sorry to hear , that must be heart breaking.

I get what you mean about your friend being a surrogate but having those type of thoughts.

Its very similar to my thinking, not sure if it’d manifest for real, but I’d despise myself if I felt that way and would eat me up inside "

That's always been my worry. One thing to remember, though, is that yes, you might have that jealousy about how the baby was conceived and born, but you are likely to be a person who once you hold that baby, you'll turn those feelings to love and to a deep need to be the best mother you can.

That's the nature of an optimistic and fighting soul. And you certainly have that.

Posh

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I can't carry a baby. I've had 10 miscarriages and lost 12 of the little monsters. So yeah... not quite the same but I get where you're coming from.

I considered a surrogate, my closest female friend offered on a number of occasions. And it tore me up inside, because I'm near certain I wouldn't be able to cope with that, for a number of reasons.

I've also considered adoption, but I think I'd feel like I was waiting for the "real" mum to come back... and that's from past experiences I won't go into. Feels like an utter failure on my part, but it is what it is.

Posh

So sorry to hear , that must be heart breaking.

I get what you mean about your friend being a surrogate but having those type of thoughts.

Its very similar to my thinking, not sure if it’d manifest for real, but I’d despise myself if I felt that way and would eat me up inside

That's always been my worry. One thing to remember, though, is that yes, you might have that jealousy about how the baby was conceived and born, but you are likely to be a person who once you hold that baby, you'll turn those feelings to love and to a deep need to be the best mother you can.

That's the nature of an optimistic and fighting soul. And you certainly have that.

Posh"

Thanks for saying Posh

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By *RANDMRSJAECouple
over a year ago

chester


"I can't carry a baby. I've had 10 miscarriages and lost 12 of the little monsters. So yeah... not quite the same but I get where you're coming from.

I considered a surrogate, my closest female friend offered on a number of occasions. And it tore me up inside, because I'm near certain I wouldn't be able to cope with that, for a number of reasons.

I've also considered adoption, but I think I'd feel like I was waiting for the "real" mum to come back... and that's from past experiences I won't go into. Feels like an utter failure on my part, but it is what it is.

Posh"

I can relate to this 100% and am so lucky to have 1 daughter (naturally). IVF wasn’t ever a choice as it’s not a problem to conceive.

I was adopted as a baby & would have considered this route. We feel too old to start the journey now. What I can tell you is I’m blessed to have amazing parents and have never felt less of a bond with them despite there being no blood ties.

I have accepted my situation regarding children but I absolutely wish things could have been easier x

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

It's not a situation I'm in (childfree by choice) but you all have my empathy.

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By *uffsandCropsCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

I'm adopted.

I never see my adopted parents as that, they're just my mum and dad.

If you give love and parent, that's all you need as a child. My experience is just mine though and I'm sure others would say different in some cases.

Wishing you all the best

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have young family members who were adopted. We all love them exactly the same as if they’d been born into the family, but due to their rough start in life they’ve got issues which have been incredibly tough and upsetting for their parents to deal with. Coupled with that is the fact that post-adoption support is very lacking sadly. It’s not something that I think I would have been strong enough to cope with and is a really common situation amongst looked after children these days due to the fact that the majority are children who have been taken from their parents rather due to safeguarding concerns. They also have to maintain contact with their birth families, which I understand the importance of but can also be problematic "

I was looking for a way to say this too, but I was struggling to find the right words

I agree 100% that you can love a child that's not biologically part of your family just as you love those who are, but adoption can be a very hard route to take, both in the present and long term, for all concerned

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

I’ve known for a long time that I can’t have children and it’s something that makes you overthink the possibilities for sure.

I’m very lucky to have been married to a man with 3 very small children at the time, the youngest turned 21 this week!! I loved them the only way I know how and still do 10 years after I split from their dad. They’re still my stepkids and always will be.

I’d worked through this over the years and know that I don’t have that maternal urge towards babies but I’d love to foster older kids if life allows at any point.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I’ve known for a long time that I can’t have children and it’s something that makes you overthink the possibilities for sure.

I’m very lucky to have been married to a man with 3 very small children at the time, the youngest turned 21 this week!! I loved them the only way I know how and still do 10 years after I split from their dad. They’re still my stepkids and always will be.

I’d worked through this over the years and know that I don’t have that maternal urge towards babies but I’d love to foster older kids if life allows at any point.

"

Aw saffron loved reading that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was having this dilemma like at 6am (hello crazy biatch) this morning, after a follow up with one of my therapists etc, talking about men and creating a family.

Anyway, as you know, I can’t have my own kids, and without going into too many details I didn’t save any of my DNA to have my own. (It just felt extremely wrong In my mind, I didn’t entertain it for a sec)

say you can’t either, would you rather adopt, or would you rather say do IVF using the bf/husband’s seed and maybe ask your sister for one of her eggs? As that’d carry some similar DNA to you?

***I kind of don’t know what I’d do, and I do wonder if I’d harbour some hidden jealousy of knowing the egg wasn’t mine but my sister’s and was fertilised with my future boyfriend’s seed.***

Has anyone thought of anything similar? I think I’d be very open to adoption personally but the other route, wouldn’t be totally off.

Im sorry if I sound weird but this is really hitting me

"

*** This makes sense to me.

I think it would depend on the family relationship. Some people are ok with it. Some mums carry their grandchild as a surrogate (for their daughter).

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