FabSwingers.com forum: Phobic

By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

Kylies thread has poked at a thought which has been in my head for quite a while now and I thought I’d post it to see what you fabbers think.

Are fab single folks mostly commitment phobic?

The more people that I talk to, the more stories that I hear or the more that I read, the more I think that people are here because it offers a place where folks can find intimacy, find solace but without the fear of attachment.

Is this true? Are you ‘single to the end’? Have you been hurt by past partners, miss the connection but can’t let the pain go? Are we normalising deep seated trauma?

Please note, I’m not being critical, dismissive or disrespectful in my questions. I’m genuinely interested in folks thoughts and feelings regarding this

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By *affeine DuskMan
over a year ago

Caerphilly

I am single to the end.

It's not phobic, or fearful.

It's who I am. Same as how I drink coffee and not tea, my dear. Like my toast done on three sides.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m here to say hi!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, but it is hard to know who is genuine in real life as well as Fab. I'm a lot more cynical now

When peoples actions don't match with what they say it is hurtful

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Kylies thread has poked at a thought which has been in my head for quite a while now and I thought I’d post it to see what you fabbers think.

Are fab single folks mostly commitment phobic?

Is this true? Are you ‘single to the end’? Have you been hurt by past partners, miss the connection but can’t let the pain go? Are we normalising deep seated trauma?

Please note, I’m not being critical, dismissive or disrespectful in my questions. I’m genuinely interested in folks thoughts and feelings regarding this"

I’m so much of a commitment phobe that I don’t do social meets as it feels too datey.

I don’t arrange a meet as it feels like a commitment, don’t see someone more than once and will only meet spontaneously at a club with people who happen to be there - no arrangements.

Yes, I’m bad. And I’m getting worse.

You know those people who you briefly chat with and they send a message every morning “good morning”, and every night “good night”, trying to form a kind of bond? I have to block them. Can’t have them trying to get to know me and that feels a bit too familiar for me.

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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago

cognito

I have been commitment phobic even in a long term monogamous relationship. It’s how I ended up here eventually.

I’d like to change that now and have a relationship of whatever kind where I give 100% of myself to the person.

Or perhaps a better way is that I’d like to find someone I can be myself 100% in the relationship now I’ve learnt about who I actually am.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm here for the cake, I was told there'd be cake.

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"Kylies thread has poked at a thought which has been in my head for quite a while now and I thought I’d post it to see what you fabbers think.

Are fab single folks mostly commitment phobic?

Is this true? Are you ‘single to the end’? Have you been hurt by past partners, miss the connection but can’t let the pain go? Are we normalising deep seated trauma?

Please note, I’m not being critical, dismissive or disrespectful in my questions. I’m genuinely interested in folks thoughts and feelings regarding this

I’m so much of a commitment phobe that I don’t do social meets as it feels too datey.

I don’t arrange a meet as it feels like a commitment, don’t see someone more than once and will only meet spontaneously at a club with people who happen to be there - no arrangements.

Yes, I’m bad. And I’m getting worse.

What’s caused this and can you change it?

Do you think that this is causing you more pain?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I love aspects of being single but I miss miss miss being loved and having someone to love.

I don’t know, I guess as much as I love the single life, and having fun. I do have this aspect that really misses the relationship dynamic x

I’ve had a few relationships and overall, I was more in relationships than single (in my adult life)

I fell in love with every guy who I dated and that gave me the right amount of attention and I think I still do, to a degree.

Someone send Jesus to take the wheel

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would definitely marry again, but not necessarily monogamous

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I am single to the end.

It's not phobic, or fearful.

It's who I am. Same as how I drink coffee and not tea, my dear. Like my toast done on three sides.

Why are you single to the end?

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By *affeine DuskMan
over a year ago

Caerphilly

"I am single to the end.

It's not phobic, or fearful.

It's who I am. Same as how I drink coffee and not tea, my dear. Like my toast done on three sides.

Why are you single to the end? "

Because its who I am and it makes me happy.

If I was not, I'd be lying and pretending to myself and someone else, thereby hurting two people without necessity.

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

No not at all...

I would quite happily enter a committed relationship if, he would accept that I would be having emotional relationships, with other men at the same time, plus that I'm not sharing my family home or finances with him...

This is why I am single

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I would definitely marry again, but not necessarily monogamous "

ENM is a different thing, being in a committed LTR is still committing, it’s just a different style.

I’m more thinking about those that ‘won’t/can’t’

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I heard someone (a guy) tell a tale that rang true for me. The circumstances of how he found himself in his mindset are completely different to mine. But I understood every word he said. Emotional distancing himself from loving someone is keeping his heart from breaking again.

After a long relationship, I can see why someone would choose to do this.

I wouldn’t say I am phobic. But definitely aware that giving your heart to someone and being as open as I could possibly be, is not what I want right now. Will that change? Time will tell.

This doesn’t make me insensitive to people, I want intimacy, it’s just ‘commitment’ means more than enjoying somebody’s company.

Commitment (the word) gives a feeling of what I had, and after that proved so hurtful, I’d be afraid……

Yes. I’m phobic

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

'Normalising deep seated trauma'

Not sure what this means. I'll be back.

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I love aspects of being single but I miss miss miss being loved and having someone to love.

I don’t know, I guess as much as I love the single life, and having fun. I do have this aspect that really misses the relationship dynamic x

I’ve had a few relationships and overall, I was more in relationships than single (in my adult life)

I fell in love with every guy who I dated and that gave me the right amount of attention and I think I still do, to a degree.

Someone send Jesus to take the wheel

Haha! Jesus is a terrible driver!

That sounds tough and exhausting in it’s own way! Almost like you so want to find love, have so much to give, you give it to everyone in the hope of it being reciprocated. The problem is that it’s like an open nerve, every damn time

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I heard someone (a guy) tell a tale that rang true for me. The circumstances of how he found himself in his mindset are completely different to mine. But I understood every word he said. Emotional distancing himself from loving someone is keeping his heart from breaking again.

After a long relationship, I can see why someone would choose to do this.

I wouldn’t say I am phobic. But definitely aware that giving your heart to someone and being as open as I could possibly be, is not what I want right now. Will that change? Time will tell.

This doesn’t make me insensitive to people, I want intimacy, it’s just ‘commitment’ means more than enjoying somebody’s company.

Commitment (the word) gives a feeling of what I had, and after that proved so hurtful, I’d be afraid……

Yes. I’m phobic

I can absolutely understand that.

Thanks for sharing

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"'Normalising deep seated trauma'

Not sure what this means. I'll be back."

The act of being around others with a similar trauma means that it seems like the right mentality to have.

It’s like an echo chamber.

If someone has these traumas normalised and they believe that it’s ok, will they try to change the things? Probably not.

It can be very problematic

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After just getting out of a marriage of 20yrs, where we just grew apart, and the split was all very amicable, I'm not looking to date right now, just have some fun and fab is providing that.

At some point in the not too distant future, I will start dating again and find love. It's just not a priority right now whilst I rediscover myself.

People come here for all sorts of reasons, but I suppose obviously, first and foremost to fulfill their sexual desires.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Kylies thread has poked at a thought which has been in my head for quite a while now and I thought I’d post it to see what you fabbers think.

Are fab single folks mostly commitment phobic?

Is this true? Are you ‘single to the end’? Have you been hurt by past partners, miss the connection but can’t let the pain go? Are we normalising deep seated trauma?

Please note, I’m not being critical, dismissive or disrespectful in my questions. I’m genuinely interested in folks thoughts and feelings regarding this

I’m so much of a commitment phobe that I don’t do social meets as it feels too datey.

I don’t arrange a meet as it feels like a commitment, don’t see someone more than once and will only meet spontaneously at a club with people who happen to be there - no arrangements.

Yes, I’m bad. And I’m getting worse.

What’s caused this and can you change it?

Do you think that this is causing you more pain? "

Being hurt by someone who I thought was the love of my life has caused this and has led to a deep fear of feeling like that ever again.

I feel physically sick if I start to even begin to like someone so I run the other way.

It’s not causing me pain, it’s protecting me from pain and I have no intention in changing. I’m happy and won’t give someone the opportunity to hurt me again

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"Kylies thread has poked at a thought which has been in my head for quite a while now and I thought I’d post it to see what you fabbers think.

Are fab single folks mostly commitment phobic?

Is this true? Are you ‘single to the end’? Have you been hurt by past partners, miss the connection but can’t let the pain go? Are we normalising deep seated trauma?

Please note, I’m not being critical, dismissive or disrespectful in my questions. I’m genuinely interested in folks thoughts and feelings regarding this

I’m so much of a commitment phobe that I don’t do social meets as it feels too datey.

I don’t arrange a meet as it feels like a commitment, don’t see someone more than once and will only meet spontaneously at a club with people who happen to be there - no arrangements.

Yes, I’m bad. And I’m getting worse.

What’s caused this and can you change it?

Do you think that this is causing you more pain?

Being hurt by someone who I thought was the love of my life has caused this and has led to a deep fear of feeling like that ever again.

I feel physically sick if I start to even begin to like someone so I run the other way.

It’s not causing me pain, it’s protecting me from pain and I have no intention in changing. I’m happy and won’t give someone the opportunity to hurt me again

I completely understand that and it’s not up to me to try to change that.

What you’ve just described is pretty much the definition of a phobic reaction though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Kylies thread has poked at a thought which has been in my head for quite a while now and I thought I’d post it to see what you fabbers think.

Are fab single folks mostly commitment phobic?

Is this true? Are you ‘single to the end’? Have you been hurt by past partners, miss the connection but can’t let the pain go? Are we normalising deep seated trauma?

Please note, I’m not being critical, dismissive or disrespectful in my questions. I’m genuinely interested in folks thoughts and feelings regarding this

I’m so much of a commitment phobe that I don’t do social meets as it feels too datey.

I don’t arrange a meet as it feels like a commitment, don’t see someone more than once and will only meet spontaneously at a club with people who happen to be there - no arrangements.

Yes, I’m bad. And I’m getting worse.

What’s caused this and can you change it?

Do you think that this is causing you more pain?

Being hurt by someone who I thought was the love of my life has caused this and has led to a deep fear of feeling like that ever again.

I feel physically sick if I start to even begin to like someone so I run the other way.

It’s not causing me pain, it’s protecting me from pain and I have no intention in changing. I’m happy and won’t give someone the opportunity to hurt me again

I completely understand that and it’s not up to me to try to change that.

What you’ve just described is pretty much the definition of a phobic reaction though"

I’m sure it is but I’d rather remain happy than have someone hurt me. I’m enjoying my life, don’t feel that I’m missing out on anything so don’t feel any need to put my heart at risk again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"……

I relate to this. Another story where our journeys to this realisation will be different.

But this is the same as what I stated above.

For me, I know my choice right now is the right one. Not because I’m in a circle of people with the same behaviour, I’m not influenced by others much. (I wouldn’t be on here).

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

Are fab single folks mostly commitment phobic?

I think many are, yes

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By *parkle1974Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

"Kylies thread has poked at a thought which has been in my head for quite a while now and I thought I’d post it to see what you fabbers think.

Are fab single folks mostly commitment phobic?

Is this true? Are you ‘single to the end’? Have you been hurt by past partners, miss the connection but can’t let the pain go? Are we normalising deep seated trauma?

Please note, I’m not being critical, dismissive or disrespectful in my questions. I’m genuinely interested in folks thoughts and feelings regarding this

I’m so much of a commitment phobe that I don’t do social meets as it feels too datey.

I don’t arrange a meet as it feels like a commitment, don’t see someone more than once and will only meet spontaneously at a club with people who happen to be there - no arrangements.

Yes, I’m bad. And I’m getting worse.

Sorry to derail.....how did your op go? x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not commitment phobic I don't think, but I find it hard to imagine being in a relationship after so long on my own. Mind you, I haven't even got or had a FB/FwB, so who knows?

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli

I'm not here for commitment and it's not something I'm seeking anywhere else either.

I prefer single life and the freedom that comes with it now but before I'd always be with someone and have more worries and stress

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Kylies thread has poked at a thought which has been in my head for quite a while now and I thought I’d post it to see what you fabbers think.

Are fab single folks mostly commitment phobic?

Is this true? Are you ‘single to the end’? Have you been hurt by past partners, miss the connection but can’t let the pain go? Are we normalising deep seated trauma?

Please note, I’m not being critical, dismissive or disrespectful in my questions. I’m genuinely interested in folks thoughts and feelings regarding this

I’m so much of a commitment phobe that I don’t do social meets as it feels too datey.

I don’t arrange a meet as it feels like a commitment, don’t see someone more than once and will only meet spontaneously at a club with people who happen to be there - no arrangements.

Yes, I’m bad. And I’m getting worse.

Sorry to derail.....how did your op go? x"

Very well thankyou, the anaesthetic was actually quick and easy. It took me a while to come around and I was groggy for longer than usual but I’m healing well.

My throat if raw, they were trying hard not to damage my new teeth so I can’t complain

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"'Normalising deep seated trauma'

Not sure what this means. I'll be back.

The act of being around others with a similar trauma means that it seems like the right mentality to have.

It’s like an echo chamber.

If someone has these traumas normalised and they believe that it’s ok, will they try to change the things? Probably not.

It can be very problematic "

Ah thank you, that makes sense.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I'm not phobic about commitment.

I'm enjoying being single.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have been commitment phobic even in a long term monogamous relationship. It’s how I ended up here eventually.

I’d like to change that now and have a relationship of whatever kind where I give 100% of myself to the person.

Or perhaps a better way is that I’d like to find someone I can be myself 100% in the relationship now I’ve learnt about who I actually am."

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

There's one man in my life I might consider becoming more committed to, but he doesn't want that, so I don't have to think about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I fear nothing anymore but the loss of my kids all other fear has been purged fear is a path to the dark side it ruined my life once it wont happen again

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

I guess so. Just been let down too many times. I know that wasn't my fault, but I did allow it to happen.

Now I can see that pattern of behaviour, I wouldn't repeat it.

It would take someone very special to persuade me to be in a serious relationship.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I imagine how I want a committed relationship to be.

I can't imagine anyone suitable for me and my life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm not here for commitment and it's not something I'm seeking anywhere else either.

I prefer single life and the freedom that comes with it now but before I'd always be with someone and have more worries and stress "

But are you open to possibilities or are you somebody that soon as you sniff interest in that way, you withdraw and put walls up?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not phobic of commitment but I have lost all faith in forever. I'm content to make plans for the future and have every intention of living those plans to the best of my ability. It isn't that I don't want long term, I do. I'm just aware that what I want won't always be what I get so I'm happy to be content now, plan to be content in the future but accept that it may not happen.

I'm finding time is making that future feel more certain.

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

I’m certainly not phobic about commitment, I just can’t seem to find someone to commit to.

Out in the ‘real world’ I’ve run aground over the last few years, and lockdown taught me I’m fine in my own company, so I’m just taking each day as it comes now.

I found this site, and I do enjoy the liaisons I’ve had, and I love good sex. But ultimately I’d like someone just for me, with all the strife that sometimes comes with them.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

I wouldn't say phobic but I just think a commitment is more likely to detract than add value to my life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not phobic. I enjoy being single. I've never been apposed to a relationship, but never go looking for one as when you do that you're setting yourself up fir failure. Definitely poly or enm would work better for me personally

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

I’m not phobic about relationships or commitment, I was very happy in my last relationship but unfortunately he passed away, we didn’t live together though, we still enjoyed our space which to me IS the thing I would look for and require if I ever met anyone else again.

I don’t feel the need to be around someone all the time, I like my alone time and they would have to understand that, I would still love them even if we only met at the weekends

I’ll stop now before I start rambling on

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By *atalie..Woman
over a year ago

Bolton

I definitely love being single.

And if i feel the need for intimacy, I just pop into a swinger's club.

Less hassle, less drama, judgement etc

I'm the boss of me, and I don't need to take anyone's feelings into account, deal with lies, cheating etc

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli

"I'm not here for commitment and it's not something I'm seeking anywhere else either.

I prefer single life and the freedom that comes with it now but before I'd always be with someone and have more worries and stress

But are you open to possibilities or are you somebody that soon as you sniff interest in that way, you withdraw and put walls up?

The chance of anyone coming along that would make me want to commit to them are very slim but there's a extremely small chance that it might happen one day in the future

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I hope I’m not single to the end!

I’m not actively looking for anything now, butI’d like a relationship in the future, it would have to be an unconventional one now I think. They have their place, I have mine. We have that bit of separation and mutual space. And it would stay like that, with no pressure for it to be anything more.

The one stumbling block to that is that I have trust issues, so whilst in theory I’d like that, I know I’d be wondering if they were up to no good elsewhere.

But still, I shall remain a hopeful romantic and see what the journey takes me.

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

I’m enjoying the dating scene currently. So much so I like first dates and meeting someone new. If a second date comes from it great, if not move on to the next one.

Due to my bisexuality and crossdressing I can’t see a long term relationship now. The last lady who was accepting of it, we gradually realised we hadn’t that much in common. So I’m happy living a duel life now, the guy and the (part time) girl.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

No not always. I don’t want a proper relationship. Never been hurt/abused etc. I just love my life as it is and don't want anyone in it full time. No deeper reasons here.

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By *ife NinjaMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline

I'd prefer not to be single. I'd quite like not to be found dead in a pool of my own piss, but it is what it is

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would like to commit to a lovely someone, just not on a full time basis. I like having my own space. Not sure if that is even possible?

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By *ife NinjaMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline

"I would like to commit to a lovely someone, just not on a full time basis. I like having my own space. Not sure if that is even possible?

Still blocked, and we both can't figure out why

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I would like to commit to a lovely someone, just not on a full time basis. I like having my own space. Not sure if that is even possible?

Still blocked, and we both can't figure out why

As the song says "Let it go, let it go"

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By *ife NinjaMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline

"I would like to commit to a lovely someone, just not on a full time basis. I like having my own space. Not sure if that is even possible?

Still blocked, and we both can't figure out why

As the song says "Let it go, let it go"

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