FabSwingers.com forum: Past trauma

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How do you deal with past trauma and avoiding to paint men (or women) all with the same brush?

I’m realising that my past traumas are definitely haunting me still.

I’ve been ghosted by my first bf (still don’t know to this day why) and I guess some men really behaved in ways that hurt me a lot, in the end. Leading me on for something more etc and then all came crashing down.

And now I feel like when I sense (or think I sense) some similarities , my mind just goes in panic mode and thinks history is repeating itself (when maybe it isn’t like that)

Can anyone relate? Does anyone know what I’m on about?

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

I know exactly what you mean.

It’s a daily thing for me, probably because some of it is fairly recent but it’s an ongoing issue.

I think that I deal by understanding the pain and issues caused, recognising how it makes me feel and the fears that it causes but knowing that it’s in the past.

Those that caused the hurt are behind me and the people in front aren’t the same ones.

I might get a touch of anxiety over similar situations but that’s part of the trauma, not the ‘now’.

Your mind is trying to protect you from further pain and prevent you from hurting yourself. That’s a healthy thing but too much is counterproductive

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My trauma is related to something else, not gender and it’s hard but honestly it’s therapy that helped me most.

And it’s sometimes scary and hard but I just avoid sites or situations that trigger traumatic memories mostly.

I think for you, OP, you have to learn to Trust again maybe. And to look for affirmation in actions or words even from what the person has said before. So like, I look for evidence that someone likes me a lot when I doubt their feelings. So times they’ve told me. Things they’ve done to show me etc.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can totally understand I think when we have been hurt in the past it's harder to trust and we build up defences and build a barrier to stop ourselves from getting hurt

I think you will always question why such a person did this but remember it was not your fault its their behaviour and they need to own that and take responsibility for that

My personal trauma was deep so won't go into it on a public forum but it's taken years upon years on counselling I accept now I will never be completely healed and will always have scars but the one thing I have learnt is I'm not a victim but a survivor

There are some not very nice people out there but also there are some very nice ones don't let those negatives of someone else's behaviour map your life out sweet x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I know exactly what you mean.

It’s a daily thing for me, probably because some of it is fairly recent but it’s an ongoing issue.

I think that I deal by understanding the pain and issues caused, recognising how it makes me feel and the fears that it causes but knowing that it’s in the past.

Those that caused the hurt are behind me and the people in front aren’t the same ones.

I might get a touch of anxiety over similar situations but that’s part of the trauma, not the ‘now’.

Your mind is trying to protect you from further pain and prevent you from hurting yourself. That’s a healthy thing but too much is counterproductive "

Thanks! I never felt so much pain as maybe those 2-3 traumatic events that yeah. I just panic when I feel like something is off and that reminds me of back then.

Hmmmm u are right tho to say, every person is different so it won’t necessarily go the same way x

Fuck my life

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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago

cognito

I don’t have any answers because I think you find your own way of dealing with it but I am being triggered by past trauma at the moment. I’m trying to journal my thoughts on it to help process my true feelings and what exactly it is that is triggering and also writing it down helps get it out of my head.

Hope you find something that helps lovely, and there’s always ice cream to make you feel better don’t forget!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find avoidance works for me.

I avoid men as much as possible, this prevents me from being hurt again.

It’s working well so far

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I find avoidance works for me.

I avoid men as much as possible, this prevents me from being hurt again.

It’s working well so far

Haha I feel like I’m more a blind chick who just pretends not to see cos she’s getting some love and validation from certain men… and the rigut amount of attention.

I shouldn’t laugh cos this is making me very sad

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

You could look into EFT. It sounds whack but it's used in Walter Reed hospital to treat severe PTSD.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Absolutely. I need to work hard to not be driven by my traumas.

Like Steve says, therapy helps a lot.

When you feel panic rising, try to focus on your breathing. Cut the surge of panic off.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I find avoidance works for me.

I avoid men as much as possible, this prevents me from being hurt again.

It’s working well so far

That sounds like 90% of the people on here!

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I find avoidance works for me.

I avoid men as much as possible, this prevents me from being hurt again.

It’s working well so far

That sounds like 90% of the people on here!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rejection/abandonment wounds are quite often rooted in childhood. It might be worth finding a good therapist, but some of the work on that can be done on your own. The methods you use are really dependent on you.

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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago

cognito

"Absolutely. I need to work hard to not be driven by my traumas.

Like Steve says, therapy helps a lot.

When you feel panic rising, try to focus on your breathing. Cut the surge of panic off."

Oh breathing helps me too.

Breath in counting to six

Hold for four

Breath out counting to six

Hold for four

And repeat a couple more times.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"Rejection/abandonment wounds are quite often rooted in childhood. It might be worth finding a good therapist, but some of the work on that can be done on your own. The methods you use are really dependent on you.

I agree with this.

Most trauma that we ascribe to later life is rooted in early trauma.

Counselling was incredibly helpful for me, it’s not for everyone though

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I think so, little sad story, my mum separated me from my dad (I lived abroad with mum for like a year) when I was 5.

I kind of remember crying every day to my dad , on the phone cos I wanted to go back home with him.

So I wonder if there’s also some of that too to unpack.

But later on in life, the ghosting from my bf ripped me apart, I was 18 then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've dealt with my past. It stays in the past now. We can't control what happened and we don't know the future but moving forward is all we can do.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I think so, little sad story, my mum separated me from my dad (I lived abroad with mum for like a year) when I was 5.

I kind of remember crying every day to my dad , on the phone cos I wanted to go back home with him.

So I wonder if there’s also some of that too to unpack.

But later on in life, the ghosting from my bf ripped me apart, I was 18 then "

There's probably something in that earlier experience, as others have said

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think so, little sad story, my mum separated me from my dad (I lived abroad with mum for like a year) when I was 5.

I kind of remember crying every day to my dad , on the phone cos I wanted to go back home with him.

So I wonder if there’s also some of that too to unpack.

But later on in life, the ghosting from my bf ripped me apart, I was 18 then "

Oh gosh yes

That will have stayed with you, I’m sorry

I would definitely recommend some counselling then, because that abandonment wound will keep on getting activated otherwise. It’s so painful, I hear you

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I think so, little sad story, my mum separated me from my dad (I lived abroad with mum for like a year) when I was 5.

I kind of remember crying every day to my dad , on the phone cos I wanted to go back home with him.

So I wonder if there’s also some of that too to unpack.

But later on in life, the ghosting from my bf ripped me apart, I was 18 then

Oh gosh yes

That will have stayed with you, I’m sorry

I would definitely recommend some counselling then, because that abandonment wound will keep on getting activated otherwise. It’s so painful, I hear you

Sometimes you just think it doesn’t haunt you or affect you and then bam..

I feel like I can be so clingy sometimes and I call it the monster cos I don’t want to feel that way, and I’m trying to keep that locked and in control. But it feels awful inside

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/04/22 09:55:17]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find avoidance works for me.

I avoid men as much as possible, this prevents me from being hurt again.

It’s working well so far

Hopefully you have some decent friends you can trust.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

Don’t. Embrace them. All (insert gender you fancy) are trash!

It’s fun

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I think so, little sad story, my mum separated me from my dad (I lived abroad with mum for like a year) when I was 5.

I kind of remember crying every day to my dad , on the phone cos I wanted to go back home with him.

So I wonder if there’s also some of that too to unpack.

But later on in life, the ghosting from my bf ripped me apart, I was 18 then

Oh gosh yes

That will have stayed with you, I’m sorry

I would definitely recommend some counselling then, because that abandonment wound will keep on getting activated otherwise. It’s so painful, I hear you

Sometimes you just think it doesn’t haunt you or affect you and then bam..

I feel like I can be so clingy sometimes and I call it the monster cos I don’t want to feel that way, and I’m trying to keep that locked and in control. But it feels awful inside "

My traumas are different, but yes - the howling pain you want to keep caged.

It's tiring.

Please do consider some sort of therapy - the pain never leaves, but it becomes more manageable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think so, little sad story, my mum separated me from my dad (I lived abroad with mum for like a year) when I was 5.

I kind of remember crying every day to my dad , on the phone cos I wanted to go back home with him.

So I wonder if there’s also some of that too to unpack.

But later on in life, the ghosting from my bf ripped me apart, I was 18 then

Oh gosh yes

That will have stayed with you, I’m sorry

I would definitely recommend some counselling then, because that abandonment wound will keep on getting activated otherwise. It’s so painful, I hear you

Sometimes you just think it doesn’t haunt you or affect you and then bam..

I feel like I can be so clingy sometimes and I call it the monster cos I don’t want to feel that way, and I’m trying to keep that locked and in control. But it feels awful inside "

Locking things inside never works, it will sit inside and fester, and you will keep being activated by it.

If you’re recognising it, that’s really positive, that’s the first step to doing something about it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you deal with past trauma and avoiding to paint men (or women) all with the same brush?

I’m realising that my past traumas are definitely haunting me still.

And now I feel like when I sense (or think I sense) some similarities , my mind just goes in panic mode and thinks history is repeating itself (when maybe it isn’t like that)

Can anyone relate? Does anyone know what I’m on about?"

I hope you find a suitable way to deal with this OP.

Every person has their own negative experiences of some sort and will deal with things in different ways. Unfortunately, some may result in hurting others too. So the tar brush will relate in you hurting yourself too to a degree. Tar also smells bad, so leave that brush in the pot and don't use it

Yes, I can relate and know what you're on about.

I am an easygoing overthinker who goes on my instincts, gut feelings and listens to my inner voice.

My way to avoid tarring everyone with the same brush when I think I sense something, is that I withhold more of myself generally. Actually, I withhold more of myself generally since the demise of a particular long term relationship.

Also, if I feel someone is not (as) interested anymore, I withdraw to a degree. Which probably isn't great, as may seem that I have lost interest but that's never the case. As I genuinely say if I have. I just hate to think or feel that I'm bugging anyone

Guess I need to find another way

but no-one like to be hurt or embarrassed right.

I may have to come back to this

May

I'm off to make some Saturday morning breakfast

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

It's hard. I am highly aware of changes in the way people communicate with me and an constantly worried that they are trying to have one over on me.

Are they really busy or are they meeting someone else?

Am I being too much? Too needy?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's hard. I am highly aware of changes in the way people communicate with me and an constantly worried that they are trying to have one over on me.

Are they really busy or are they meeting someone else?

Am I being too much? Too needy?"

I hate the term needy. I’ve changed it to unmet needs. What you need is valid.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you deal with past trauma and avoiding to paint men (or women) all with the same brush?

I’m realising that my past traumas are definitely haunting me still.

And now I feel like when I sense (or think I sense) some similarities , my mind just goes in panic mode and thinks history is repeating itself (when maybe it isn’t like that)

Can anyone relate? Does anyone know what I’m on about?"

Oh fuck yeah. Remember your strength and who you are. I think panic can come from not feeling control.

If similarities occur you can choose to not persue or to give it a chance knowing if it becomes more apparent that they are indeed trying to take the piss then you will have the choice to get out then as well. Either way you're in control of yourself and they are not.

If someone wants to treat you like shit it is not your fault it's them.

Trust your instincts as they are usually right

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

I grew up in a very violent and mentally abusive household I also had one ex who turned into a complete arsehole due to him using drugs .

Both situations were horrible and not easy to live through at the time but I got through them and I don't believe either has left me with any unresolved trauma.I don't tar everyone with the same brush I take each person as an individual but if they do cross me I don't give too many second chances as I've found if you do they just do it again.

My life experiences have made me be independent from an early age and also made me see how mind games and nastiness and violence solves nothing but only causes misery. And it's easier to avoid them than get involved in any of the games played in real life and on here.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

My marriage was like a psychological thriller film.

How I deal with it is to remember it's in the past, and forgive him for what he did.

That deals with him, and we get on ok now.

I still have the health issues from the daily abuse and I live with them. I drown myself in my grandchildren and great-grandchildren to keep busy and to stop myself thinking about my shit life I have now.

I sometimes feel resentment towards him for making my life so hard and not giving me the relationship I needed, but is giving his new partner everything.

I'm sad for a while, but I am strong and think about things that make me forget.

I make time to do things with my family, who are more important to me than him.

I grieved for my relationship for years, and still have a little cry over what could have been, but life is very short, and I'm getting older, so I'm going to enjoy my life as much as possible.

Now, you'll have to excuse me as I'm getting ready for an afternoon in bed with a lovely, sexy man.

Toodlepip

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Bu working on your own self worth and confidence.

Grew up with a physically and mentally abusive Dad who said I was never good enough. Then escaped that an fell into a relationship with my ex who said he wasn't like my Dad but he was just used different techniques.

And yeah I bloody believed them, this was all I was worth. I totally understand that panic that it may happen again.

What I think I've learnt through the car crash that is my life. Is that so what if someone wants to try break me, I know I've dealt with worse. They can't break me, the only person who can do that to me is myself. And that's by not listening to my instincts or being too scared and not go for things in life.

Think it's about learning to love and trust yourself. Once you trust your decisions, it makes you less fearful.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My marriage was like a psychological thriller film.

How I deal with it is to remember it's in the past, and forgive him for what he did.

That deals with him, and we get on ok now.

I sometimes feel resentment towards him for making my life so hard and not giving me the relationship I needed, but is giving his new partner everything.

I'm sad for a while, but I am strong and think about things that make me forget.

I make time to do things with my family, who are more important to me than him.

I grieved for my relationship for years, and still have a little cry over what could have been, but life is very short, and I'm getting older, so I'm going to enjoy my life as much as possible.

Now, you'll have to excuse me as I'm getting ready for an afternoon in bed with a lovely, sexy man.

Toodlepip

So sorry for what you went through, but love your attitude and way of dealing with it

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's hard. I am highly aware of changes in the way people communicate with me and an constantly worried that they are trying to have one over on me.

Are they really busy or are they meeting someone else?

Am I being too much? Too needy?"

You hit home. So relatable! X

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By *host63Man
over a year ago

Bedfont Feltham

"How do you deal with past trauma and avoiding to paint men (or women) all with the same brush?

I’m realising that my past traumas are definitely haunting me still.

And now I feel like when I sense (or think I sense) some similarities , my mind just goes in panic mode and thinks history is repeating itself (when maybe it isn’t like that)

Can anyone relate? Does anyone know what I’m on about?"

I have my share going back to childhood and later as an adult people I cared about men as well as women taking me for a ride.

It’s hard but I try not to tar everyone I meet with the same brush.

I also work even harder to be a better person. If I let them turn me into this twisted and bitter person they have won.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I dont deal well i have monthly lapses or after a dream of them but mainly cos i miss her and the man i used to be but i have to tell myself she is happy in her life and that helps a little but the what if she one day needs me will never go away so i won't let myself get close to anyone again because of it all my life iv had only 1 rule be loyal and fight for your team mates no matter the sacrifice to yourself so any trauma thats been caused im responsible for i did to myself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Time. Baby steps. If the person is worth it they'll be patient while you build your trust and let down your barriers. For this to work though you have to be prepared to push those boundaries a little, risk a little hurt. If you don't you'll settle into a relationship where all the investment is one sided.

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By *nto the LouWoman
over a year ago

Preston

"It's hard. I am highly aware of changes in the way people communicate with me and an constantly worried that they are trying to have one over on me.

Are they really busy or are they meeting someone else?

Am I being too much? Too needy?

You hit home. So relatable! X"

Have you looked into attachment styles? That early experience almost certainly shaped yours and they stay with us into adulthood x

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