FabSwingers.com forum: Joke of the day.

By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators...

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" Farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators...

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters..."

Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lmao, nice one

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

"Lmao, nice one"

Where's this farm then?

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By *arnayguyMan
over a year ago

Durham Tees

So much nicer than rape

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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

"So much nicer than rape

Dunno bout that!

Would rather be looking at a rape field that one with a bunch of squatters

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I met a woman last night she had eczema. She had a cracking fanny

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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

Met a couple were the female had acute angina....

Just as well as her tits were awful....

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.

Just had one woman from the sperm bank,

fuck me did I give her a mouthful.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the people in Oman dont know the theme to the flinstones but those in

Abu Dhabi dooooooooo............

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Sex Therapists say the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is to lick his ears

Personally I think it's bollocks....

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

A man's wife came in wearin a sexy nighty. She told him "Tie me up and do what you want" So he tied her up,

fucked her sister and went fishing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" A man's wife came in wearin a sexy nighty. She told him "Tie me up and do what you want" So he tied her up,

fucked her sister and went fishing.

Probably just what she planned - she got out of having sex with him, got rid of him for a few hours, and got a rest! Smart girl!!!

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By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

I was minding my own business masturbating on a couch the other day. Somebody phoned the police.

I am now barred from every DFS in the country.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wots the difference between an egg and a screw.

You can beat an Egg

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I WAS AT THE ZOO AND NEEDED TO HAVE A PISS I GOT MY DICK OUT AND AN ELEPHANT TURNED ROUND AND SAID HOW DO YOU DRINK WITH THAT lol

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

" A man's wife came in wearin a sexy nighty. She told him "Tie me up and do what you want" So he tied her up,

fucked her sister and went fishing.

Probably just what she planned - she got out of having sex with him, got rid of him for a few hours, and got a rest! Smart girl!!!"

Lol

Some men can't resist dangling their Rod though.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Man and wife are out shopping together.

Wife see's some shoes she wants but her husband says, "No way! They're way to expensive."

Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes pussy, She says,

"I don't fucking think so mate!

If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then you ain't fucking riding it!!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger.

Some say he's the most evil scientist who ever lived.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife asked me to take her to the bedroom and make her feel young again.

She wasn't impressed with the white wig and cigar.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My wife asked me to take her to the bedroom and make her feel young again.

She wasn't impressed with the white wig and cigar."

brill but very sick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between jam and mamarlade?

You can't mamarlade your cock up a girls arse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's the difference between jam and mamarlade?

You can't mamarlade your cock up a girls arse"

yes you can

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

There's new cream out for young girls fanny rash.

It's called "Saville-on"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just a job doing circumcisions for the NHS. The pay ain't great, but I get to keep the tips.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ha ha ha. Nice one.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Why do women like to suck circumcised cocks???.....?.....?

Because they can't fucking resist anything with 10% off!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My missus came home d*unk yesterday- as she was undressing she stumbled, fell over & passed out. Knickers round ankles & fanny on show!!

I thought "No way was I gonna miss an opportunity like this!"

So I went out with the lads!!

My wife arrived home blazing d*unk at 6.30am after a night out with the girls. She collapsed on the bed with her high heels on and skirt hitched up exposing her fanny. Although furious I was still slightly turned on and decided to help myself to her limp body.Just as I was about to cum I said "You like that little bitch?" Opening one eye she slurred "It's not as good as the one an hour ago"

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Dear Derdrie, I was up in our back bedroom , pulling one off over our 19 year old neighbour sunbathing topless, I turned around to see my wife with her arms folded, is she a pervert?

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

A gorgeous looking girl walks into a pub in Dublin and Mick looks at her approvingly."I reckon I could do her", he says to Paddy. "Fuck off", he replies, "You're shit at impressions."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

"A gorgeous looking girl walks into a pub in Dublin and Mick looks at her approvingly."I reckon I could do her", he says to Paddy. "Fuck off", he replies, "You're shit at impressions.""

Lol

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By *rs and mr sanddancerCouple
over a year ago

Boldon

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother .

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wearing a pair of crocs is like getting a blow job off a guy.... Feels great but you look down and realise you're gay.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my new fb says she's into extreme bondage, 6 times I've taken her to see skyfall now!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

A Welshman gets washed up on a desert island with just a sheep an a collie dog for company. After a few days the Welshman starts to feel a little frisky and starts eyeing up the sheep.

The collie dogs instincts kick in and it won't let him anywhere near the sheep. The following morning, to his delight a beautiful young girl is washed ashore, "you've saved my life"

says the Welshman, "can you take this fucking dog for a walk?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a man went out to pub and his wife told him dont come back with sick down you as always so while he was at pub he had an idea, he came home and sure enuf he had sick down his front he said to the wife a man did it and gave me 20 quid for the dry cleaning his wife said yeah but you got forty in your hand and he said other 20 was for the man that shit in his trousers lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

two men on an island one says to the other im sick of this eating coconuts im going behind that tree and im going to cut my dick off and cook it the other man said can you rub it so its big enuf for two

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Johnny Rotten has released one of Neil Diamonds old hits......You Don't bring me flowers anymore..you cunt.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

"Johnny Rotten has released one of Neil Diamonds old hits......You Don't bring me flowers anymore..you cunt."

Lol

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Dear Noel Edmonds,

Give me £100K or I will say you wanked me off on Swapshop.

Deal or no Deal ?

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Why are men like cars?

Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

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By *ottsguy44Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Did you hear about the gay guy who wears a nicotine patch on his penis?

He's down to about three butts a day!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Muslim friend of mine recently told me he'd bought the Qu'ran on CD-Rom.

Out of curiosity, I said I'd like to burn a copy....

That's when it all kicked off!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

"Did you hear about the gay guy who wears a nicotine patch on his penis?

He's down to about three butts a day!

Lol

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Man goes in to W.H.Smiths...

"Do you have the new self-help book for men with a tiny cocks?"

"I don't think it's in yet"

"Yes, that's the one"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If a girl asks me if I have any condoms I always say "no , but I can cum on your tits instead"

My career as a pharmacist was very short.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A Muslim friend of mine recently told me he'd bought the Qu'ran on CD-Rom.

Out of curiosity, I said I'd like to burn a copy....

That's when it all kicked off!"

That made me chortle.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the easiest way to circumsize a hill billy?

Kick his sister in the jaw

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went past one of them fast service car repair places saw mechanic with head between legs of a woman fiddling around he finishes and jumps up starts singing you can't get quicker than a quick clit fitter you can't get better than a quick clit fitter......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went for job as gynaecologist position was full time I only wanted part time when asked why I said I just want to do it to keep my hand in.

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Spotted this one on Sickepedia...

A teacher asks his pupils, "Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?"

Little Johnny puts his hand up.

"One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments."

"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher. "And the other?"

"Your mum's a cunt."

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

And another one....

I went to the Jobcentre earlier, to see if they had anything for me.

The girl said, 'We have a few positions in data entry.'

'Sorry,' I replied, 'but I can't use a computer.'

'You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Are you mentally handicapped?'

'No,' I replied, 'but it's one of my bail conditions.'

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By *wingsnroundaboutsCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

My wife got breast implants made from oak yesterday... This joke would be hilarious if it had a punch line..........

Wooden tit?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Young Apprentice

A show where young people are put under pressure from an old man with lots of power at the BBC

Sound Familiar??

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Cure has been found for homosexuality,

lip balm - you rub it on your asshole and it keeps the chaps away!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" Cure has been found for homosexuality,

lip balm - you rub it on your asshole and it keeps the chaps away!!!"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

" Cure has been found for homosexuality,

lip balm - you rub it on your asshole and it keeps the chaps away!!!

Lovin the new avatar piccy young lady.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" Cure has been found for homosexuality,

lip balm - you rub it on your asshole and it keeps the chaps away!!!

Lovin the new avatar piccy young lady.

They were just hanging around

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got a phone call from the Police today, saying they'd recieved a complaintthat my dog had been chasing a man on a bicycle.

"sorry, but you must be mistaken" I said "my dog can't ride a bicycle".

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By *oulmates YorkshireCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

"A gorgeous looking girl walks into a pub in Dublin and Mick looks at her approvingly."I reckon I could do her", he says to Paddy. "Fuck off", he replies, "You're shit at impressions.""

lol

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

" Cure has been found for homosexuality,

lip balm - you rub it on your asshole and it keeps the chaps away!!!

Lovin the new avatar piccy young lady.

They were just hanging around

Their absolutely magnificent, Well worth logging on for.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Before she died Bob ordered his wife a tombstone and had it engraved with,

"Here lies Pyllis cold as ever!"

So she went out and brought him a tombstone that she had inscribed

"Here lies Bob stiff at last!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My nine year old son just asked me an awkward question - "Dad," he said. "What does a dick look like?"Luckily for me, some bloke in a Manchester United top was walking past.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A bloke in Wigan goes into a chemists and asks for a packet of condoms.

Girl behind the counter asks "Certainly sir. Would you like ones with spermicide?"

The guy looks at her funny and replies "No thanks love, I'd rather fill em myself!"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

A man asks his barber how to treat baldness? he replied best thing is female love juices!!

But you're balder than me says the man!

True says the barber,

but you've got to admit i've got a fuckin crackin moustache!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Alcohol free beer.... its like licking your sisters fanny... The tastes the same but its just not right...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Alcohol free beer.... its like licking your sisters fanny... The tastes the same but its just not right...

Lol that's funny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

will people leave jimmy saville alone I think he was a nice bloke. he let me milk a cow blindfolded once. lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a midget women goes to the doctors and says "doctor I've got a itchy fanny" He lifts up her skirt, gets some scissors a goes snip snip. He asks "is that better?" "a bit better but its still itchy doc."so the doctor lifts her skirt up again. snip snip snip. "is that better" "yes" the midget replies "fantastic what did you do doctor?"the doctor replies "cut the fur off the top of your ugg boots"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

I was at a party last night and the DJ played Sit down by James, so we all sat down! He then played Jump by the Pointer Sisters so we all jumped around!

Then he played Come on Eileen,

At that point I was asked to leave!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Farmer bred 4 legged chicken but still went broke?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When having sex do you ever look at your wife's face?"

"Yes, last time she looked really angry"

"Why do you think that was?"

"She was watching through the window."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yesterday I underwent a painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, got some great wedding presents though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Dear Noel Edmonds,

Give me £100K or I will say you wanked me off on Swapshop.

Deal or no Deal ?

"
....Haha I'm havin that one ..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Dear Noel Edmonds,

Give me £100K or I will say you wanked me off on Swapshop.

Deal or no Deal ?

"
....Haha I'm havin that one ..

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

The National blood service is now using chicken blood in transfusions.

It makes Men more cocky and Women easier to lay!

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By *eminiman61Man
over a year ago

mansfield

A woman had 3 daughters she asked the oldest what would she want of her future husband

She said I want a body builder with a massive chest with 3 dragons tattooed on it.

She asked the middle daughter the same question.

She said I want a fit guy with 2 dragons tattooed on his chest.

Finally she asked the youngest.

Who said Im not bothered if hes fit as long as hes got 1 dragin on the floor

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

in the year 2035 you will only be 300 meters from.....

an ex manager of chelsea

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Lmao, nice one

Where's this farm then?

"
Deven :D

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

My mate at work gave me a DVD called bold and barely legal!

Imagine my disappointment when I found out it was about tyre safety!!

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By *unkyWhoreCouple
over a year ago

Stoke

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me!" says the patient.

"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."

"No, I'm sorry, I just can't!" he says. Five minutes later, she asks again, "Please, please kiss me!"

"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago

In Your Bush

stole a beef joint from asda the other day, security guard shouted 'what are you doing with that!' i replied; carrots peas and gravy you nosy c*nt!!

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By *he Original TTMan
over a year ago

Brackley, Northants

"Lmao, nice one

Where's this farm then?

Deven :D"

I fear many things may be at too high an altitude for you....!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was an insect." To which, her son replies,

"I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

I asked the local prostitute if she could do something kinky, so she put a set of jump leads up my arse...

Don't get me wrong, I liked it,

but I couldn't believe how much she charged me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is the difference between the Ghost of Christmas Past and Jimmy Savile?

One is a dead guy who stands over beds, rattles his chains and puts the willies up everyone, and the other is the Ghost of Christmas Past.

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Did you know The temptation to start singing 'the lion sleeps tonight' is only a whim away

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By *rbadguy64Couple
over a year ago

bangor

Just lost the tie-break question in my local pub quiz.... Who am I ? I was all over the TV in the seventies and eighties, but have been completely irrelevant for the past 25 years. I am closely linked with music of the 1960s and I am famous for wearing tacky, shiny shellsuits. I have been in trouble with the police and am despised by the whole country?

Apparently

Liverpool Supporters isn't the correct answer.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Stuart Halls new series:

IT'S A COCKOUT

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By *ixson-BallsMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

After getting sent to jail..

I spent the next half hour being held face down over a table getting violently fucked up the arse...

sometimes I think my uncle brian takes monopoly a bit to seriously

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy says to mick "what do you think of the iphone 5"

Mick said "i think their innocent"

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By *ixson-BallsMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

Q, whats the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A, a whore sleeps with everyone at the party

a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Snow is like a cock, it's measured in inches, soft to touch, cums when you least expect it and never gets as deep as you'd like it!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Snow is like a cock, it's measured in inches, soft to touch, cums when you least expect it and never gets as deep as you'd like it!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got kicked out of a swingers club last night for not taking my pants off.

I tell you what, they haven't seen the end of me.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

"I got kicked out of a swingers club last night for not taking my pants off.

I tell you what, they haven't seen the end of me. "

Lol Have a big one do we.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

The coin thrown at Rio Ferdinand was apparently a Euro as Man City fans won't be needing them anymore.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

The wife lost a tooth last night while eating a packet of dry roasted peanuts.

To be fair I did actually warn her not to keep rustling the packet while the football was on.

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By *reelove1969Couple
over a year ago

bristol

priceless !

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