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Change the script?

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By *ea monkey OP   Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

Following on from the love thread, I’ve started musing (stay with me…) about relationship history’s in general and mine specifically in relation to that.

Do folks find that they repeat the same relationship modes over and over, hoping for a different outcome but sadly coming to the same spot?

Do you avoid certain people or struggle with dating outside of that mode because it ‘doesn’t feel right’?

How can you change that? Is it possible to or are our love signs and languages ingrained in us?

Please note that avoiding relationships or love as a result isn’t what I’m talking about, for all of you commitment phobes out there

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

Dunno. We've been together 18yrs and we just keep pootling on quite nicely, really

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Yeah, I have a pretty clear pattern.

I'm not 100% sure how I get there, and I want to figure that out so I don't do it again, if I ever decide to commit to anyone again.

In the meantime, I'll be over here being a commitment phobe

Sorry. I think

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

I don't really understand what you mean by relationship mode

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By *dalisqueWoman
over a year ago

land of make believe

I am the opposite, maybe in the hope that things will be differently.Ultimately if things don't work out ,then internally you can find a connection, if you look hard enough.

Although I know nothing of romantic love,just relationships.

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

No I have a path of evolution in my relationship ti_eline.

Started off in a open relationship for 13 years, moved into a mono relationship for 5 years, and have found solo polyamourous relationships of which the oldest is now 3 years.

It's an incredibly exciting journey and I am happy and looking forward to the future

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Following on from the love thread, I’ve started musing (stay with me…) about relationship history’s in general and mine specifically in relation to that.

Do folks find that they repeat the same relationship modes over and over, hoping for a different outcome but sadly coming to the same spot?

Do you avoid certain people or struggle with dating outside of that mode because it ‘doesn’t feel right’?

How can you change that? Is it possible to or are our love signs and languages ingrained in us?

Please note that avoiding relationships or love as a result isn’t what I’m talking about, for all of you commitment phobes out there "

Sometimes having a type doesn't mean that type is the right one, I say be more open to what you find attractive instead of just pondering on the same line of person

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No. I don’t think I will ever repeat my past relationship and I absolute won’t be looking for the same.

I think each relationship you have would be unique for that time of your life. Something to be shared together. Just be fluid rather than trying to get things to work the same way because that’s what you liked before.

You liked it with that person, doesn’t mean mr/Mrs new is going to work with it.

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By *ily WhiteWoman
over a year ago

?

That's got me thinking Tea. It's hard to say because I've never had a relationship end unpleasantly, more just drifting apart and it's been a mutual agreement to go our separate ways. Have I done things differently in different relationships? Yes, but that's probably only because I've changed as a person in general in that time, not because I've deliberately approached things differently due to anything within a previous relationship...which now makes me wonder if we drifted apart because I refuse to stop evaluating and evolving myself as a person. Did I become something other than the person that they fell in love with? it's a bit chicken and egg.

Sorry, that probably didn't answer your question, but you made me ponder

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't really understand what you mean by relationship mode "

Me neither.

The OP makes it sound like relationships are hinged around certain behaviours. I really don't think it's that black and white. I don't see how relationships fail because of one particular way that you act or don't act. They are far more complex than that. Perhaps understanding what a relationship mode is might help me answer the question.

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By *ea monkey OP   Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)


"I don't really understand what you mean by relationship mode "

It’s the manner in which you approach a relationship, the dynamic that you look for and the type of person that you find attractive.

Are you a communicator? Are you attracted to stoic types?

These things all build your relationship mode

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't really understand what you mean by relationship mode

It’s the manner in which you approach a relationship, the dynamic that you look for and the type of person that you find attractive.

Are you a communicator? Are you attracted to stoic types?

These things all build your relationship mode"

I think looking for a relationship is where people go wrong. Having a checklist of attributes you think you find attractive, how you want a person to be is just doomed for failure. In my opinion. What happens when you find the perfect person and find out they aren't? Are we all such creatures of habit that we only find certain things attractive? I don't think we are. I'm not sure still how this is a mode. Sorry op. I'm not the most intelligent of people. I need things in plain language

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire


"I don't really understand what you mean by relationship mode

It’s the manner in which you approach a relationship, the dynamic that you look for and the type of person that you find attractive.

Are you a communicator? Are you attracted to stoic types?

These things all build your relationship mode"

Is there some kind of test to take to know these things?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wont allow myself to have feelings for anyone i burned out my humanity trying to heal myself from all the shite and death n loss of recent years im empty iv made myself this way so people are less likely to get attached it wont be as good as the old me would like but i get no choice how i live and whether i can be happy that much has been made clear and that is how il stay balanced until im needed to be there

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.

Never heard of relationship modes, sounds a bit... well.

If I repeated certain negative behaviours in all my relationships and it was destructive, I'd stop seeing people and work on myself. Find out what was happening. I tend to grow and evolve relationship to relationship, it's not such a rigid repeat thing.

I don't avoid dating certain people. Nor do I have a type as such.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

OK, so I get hooked on those who excite me. However, those types tend to excite me for the wrong reasons. I didn't grow up in a healthy household as many of you know. I didn't learn what healthy "love" felt like. So yeah, I have throughout my life fallen for those who make me feel AMAZING and all kinds of superhuman very early on. Well that right there's a cunting red flag. If someone is making me feel AMAZING and perfect right away, hmmmmm, *love bomb, love bomb*

However. I find other people boring if they don't give me that high of feeling superhuman and perfect that I've experienced many times before. You can see the cycle can't you.

For me to break the cycle I'd find it a bore, feel like we didn't actually click or have the chemistry necessary (even though that click and chemistry is fucking fabricated to get the hook)

Am I making any sense?

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Relationships (and friendships) are like two icebergs; you are drawn to each other by what you see/ hear etc which is one small part of the other person and their history. The majority is subconscious stuff and lies beneath the surface, sometimes it is being explored but the subconscious stuff does make us follow some patterns, whether we like it or not.

Can we escape from the force? Yes, we can through growing self-awareness and working on ourselves, feed-back from others and genuine friendships with honest people.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"OK, so I get hooked on those who excite me. However, those types tend to excite me for the wrong reasons. I didn't grow up in a healthy household as many of you know. I didn't learn what healthy "love" felt like. So yeah, I have throughout my life fallen for those who make me feel AMAZING and all kinds of superhuman very early on. Well that right there's a cunting red flag. If someone is making me feel AMAZING and perfect right away, hmmmmm, *love bomb, love bomb*

However. I find other people boring if they don't give me that high of feeling superhuman and perfect that I've experienced many times before. You can see the cycle can't you.

For me to break the cycle I'd find it a bore, feel like we didn't actually click or have the chemistry necessary (even though that click and chemistry is fucking fabricated to get the hook)

Am I making any sense? "

Yes, you really do! x

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By *ea monkey OP   Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)


"OK, so I get hooked on those who excite me. However, those types tend to excite me for the wrong reasons. I didn't grow up in a healthy household as many of you know. I didn't learn what healthy "love" felt like. So yeah, I have throughout my life fallen for those who make me feel AMAZING and all kinds of superhuman very early on. Well that right there's a cunting red flag. If someone is making me feel AMAZING and perfect right away, hmmmmm, *love bomb, love bomb*

However. I find other people boring if they don't give me that high of feeling superhuman and perfect that I've experienced many times before. You can see the cycle can't you.

For me to break the cycle I'd find it a bore, feel like we didn't actually click or have the chemistry necessary (even though that click and chemistry is fucking fabricated to get the hook)

Am I making any sense? "

Making perfect sense.

How do you break that cycle though and change that?

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"OK, so I get hooked on those who excite me. However, those types tend to excite me for the wrong reasons. I didn't grow up in a healthy household as many of you know. I didn't learn what healthy "love" felt like. So yeah, I have throughout my life fallen for those who make me feel AMAZING and all kinds of superhuman very early on. Well that right there's a cunting red flag. If someone is making me feel AMAZING and perfect right away, hmmmmm, *love bomb, love bomb*

However. I find other people boring if they don't give me that high of feeling superhuman and perfect that I've experienced many times before. You can see the cycle can't you.

For me to break the cycle I'd find it a bore, feel like we didn't actually click or have the chemistry necessary (even though that click and chemistry is fucking fabricated to get the hook)

Am I making any sense?

Making perfect sense.

How do you break that cycle though and change that? "

That right there is the issue isn't it. Without the high it would seem like we didn't have a connection. But the high is the flag.

So, do I accept that relationships and me aren't meant to be on a romantic level (seems sensible) OR, feel like I'm settling because there's a spark missing or that I'm doing the other person a disservice because they don't excite me or bring out the raw passion within?

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By *ea monkey OP   Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)


"OK, so I get hooked on those who excite me. However, those types tend to excite me for the wrong reasons. I didn't grow up in a healthy household as many of you know. I didn't learn what healthy "love" felt like. So yeah, I have throughout my life fallen for those who make me feel AMAZING and all kinds of superhuman very early on. Well that right there's a cunting red flag. If someone is making me feel AMAZING and perfect right away, hmmmmm, *love bomb, love bomb*

However. I find other people boring if they don't give me that high of feeling superhuman and perfect that I've experienced many times before. You can see the cycle can't you.

For me to break the cycle I'd find it a bore, feel like we didn't actually click or have the chemistry necessary (even though that click and chemistry is fucking fabricated to get the hook)

Am I making any sense?

Making perfect sense.

How do you break that cycle though and change that?

That right there is the issue isn't it. Without the high it would seem like we didn't have a connection. But the high is the flag.

So, do I accept that relationships and me aren't meant to be on a romantic level (seems sensible) OR, feel like I'm settling because there's a spark missing or that I'm doing the other person a disservice because they don't excite me or bring out the raw passion within?

"

That’s part of the issue, how to rewrite ourselves and how we approach things, our expectations, without cutting out the ‘love’ part of ourselves. It shouldn’t be an either/or situation

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire


"OK, so I get hooked on those who excite me. However, those types tend to excite me for the wrong reasons. I didn't grow up in a healthy household as many of you know. I didn't learn what healthy "love" felt like. So yeah, I have throughout my life fallen for those who make me feel AMAZING and all kinds of superhuman very early on. Well that right there's a cunting red flag. If someone is making me feel AMAZING and perfect right away, hmmmmm, *love bomb, love bomb*

However. I find other people boring if they don't give me that high of feeling superhuman and perfect that I've experienced many times before. You can see the cycle can't you.

For me to break the cycle I'd find it a bore, feel like we didn't actually click or have the chemistry necessary (even though that click and chemistry is fucking fabricated to get the hook)

Am I making any sense?

Making perfect sense.

How do you break that cycle though and change that?

That right there is the issue isn't it. Without the high it would seem like we didn't have a connection. But the high is the flag.

So, do I accept that relationships and me aren't meant to be on a romantic level (seems sensible) OR, feel like I'm settling because there's a spark missing or that I'm doing the other person a disservice because they don't excite me or bring out the raw passion within?

"

Or you could decide to at least try and do it differently

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

Yes. I avoid anyone who needs "fixing" I don't need a DIY project and I'm not a therapist.

Hence why I now choose to be single.

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