FabSwingers.com forum: Do you dwell after you have done something stupid ?

By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

So recently I've done something stupid and upset someone of which I'm truly sorry,and I've burnt my bridges with them as well.

I didn't realise I had caused the issue at the time which makes it even worse in my mind.

I know I'll feel better in time and I hope they will too.

What I want to know is what are your coping mechanisms when you've done something similar,are you like me where you keep thinking it through trying to learn how not to make the same mistake again or are you one of the lucky ones where by its like water off a ducks back to simply forget and move ?

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I do, as I have anxiety really bad. Years layer I can think of what happened and feel a flash of anxiety about it.

Has to be something really bad though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Be like a dog, just shake it off and then wag your tail chasing something that makes you happy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You apologised and tried to make things better… but the world still rotates and you have to move on…

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Be like a dog, just shake it off and then wag your tail chasing something that makes you happy.

Wise words

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By *tarflyLouWoman
over a year ago

Preston

"I do, as I have anxiety really bad. Years layer I can think of what happened and feel a flash of anxiety about it.

Has to be something really bad though.

Same here, I ruminate too x

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By *atricia ParnelWoman
over a year ago

In a town full of colours

If I'm not told of what I did then how can I rectify it, I unintentionally offend quite a few people with my strong logical views, but I can't control their offense unless I know about it, so I apologise and move on. For friendships to be broken it would have to have been really bad and I've never experienced that. I suppose it all depends on the communication level in the friendship you held, whether either one of you has the courage to say actually "no that offended me" at the point that the offense was received, rather than let it fester and destroy the relationship

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's natural to want to reflect on what happens, but if this turns to rumination it can be very damaging

Its good that you've realised the impact and taken accountability, even if you didn't realise at the time.

Once you've made the personal apology, then i think you have to let the dust settle. Perhaps you can check back in after an appropriate amount of time.. But my general advice would be you have to respect the other person's position and find a way to move forward and put it behind you and let it go.

Its really hard when friendships collapse x

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I ruminate. *Shrug*

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By *irtydevil666Man
over a year ago

bristol

No not got time to dwell......

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By *hoirCouple
over a year ago

Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds

I have it as an OCD, so... I obsess. Definitely not healthy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At work when we make a significant error we have a process for breaking it down so everyone can learn from it. Proud to say in the workplace no one is in fear of being ridiculed or made to feel like a failure. I take that practice into my home life too

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

I dwell on things that when I mention it to another person involved they don't even remember it

. Yay for anxiety.

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"It's natural to want to reflect on what happens, but if this turns to rumination it can be very damaging

Its good that you've realised the impact and taken accountability, even if you didn't realise at the time.

Its really hard when friendships collapse x"

Thank you for this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It can play on my mind but I think the positive from it is I learn and grow from the “mistake”

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By *hoirCouple
over a year ago

Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds

Nope. I would have done years ago but now I prefer to treat it as a learning thing and move forward.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.

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By *icassolifelikeMan
over a year ago

Luton

If I did I’d get nothing done!

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"If I did I’d get nothing done! "

I can ruminate and get shit done.

Hooray for practiced maladaptive behaviour

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It depends what it is, what my actions were and if it was intentional or unintentional, that will define how I feel.

Somethings I will dwell on forever.

Somethings I will never give a fuck about.

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By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

All the time. I tend to dwell on them as well and that makes it worse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You need to simply forget don't beat yourself up if you didn't realise you were doing anything maybe they have the problem and it's not you.

You will feel better as time goes on.

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

It’s a thing to learn from so yes I will ponder it at length. If something made someone else feel rubbish it’s important to work out if that can be avoided in the future.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If I did I’d get nothing done! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though."

What did you do?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I still come out in a cold sweat over stupid things I did 50 years ago. I think it's nature's way of reminding me not to be an idiot. If only it would work, I still find new and varied ways of being stupid

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

ooohh OP

depends depends depends... true regret then time to self reflect and ask why you did what you did - was it you? or can a leopard bever change its spots?

get d*unk, try and forget about it, substitute her if you have to and after time you'll fuck up again and have something else to worry about!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not many mistakes tbh. But embarrassing memories? Yes definitely. Every now and then something or a drifting memory would remind me of an incident and I would physically cringe and berate myself for not being the person I should have been at that moment in time. Then I would move on, shake it off essentially.

No, Nothing detrimental or dangerous just embarrassing to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes I do dwell on it

Im far too harsh on myself and I know I do it but can't seem to ease up on me

I punish myself alot over the smallest silly things

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.

What did you do? "

I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect

Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,

I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,

I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd spend all my life dwelling if that was the case.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.

What did you do?

I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect

Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,

I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,

I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows

sounds like a typical day on fab tbh.... load a few more pics to your local updates and move on. ws never going to work out anyway

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"I still come out in a cold sweat over stupid things I did 50 years ago. I think it's nature's way of reminding me not to be an idiot. If only it would work, I still find new and varied ways of being stupid

Too true

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.

What did you do?

I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect

Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,

I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,

I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows

Sounds like they do have the problem and it's not you. Like what has been said before forget and move on its there loss not yours if there not mature enough to communicate with you properly at the correct then they were not a true friend, she was probably using you until something else came along.

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.

What did you do?

I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect

Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,

I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,

I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows

I do hope that's not the case though

it's not nice being used.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.

What did you do?

I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect

Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,

I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,

I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows

I do hope that's not the case though

it's not nice being used."

Yes but there are some odd people on this site

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.

What did you do?

I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect

Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,

I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,

I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows

I do hope that's not the case though

it's not nice being used.

Yes but there are some odd people on this site "

No she was a lovely lady

I just need to dust myself down and move on to pastures new

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.

What did you do?

I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect

Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,

I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,

I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows

Sounds like she should be the one feeling shit, not you.

Chin up. Remember the good times.

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down

We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.

What did you do?

I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect

Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,

I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,

I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows

Sounds like she should be the one feeling shit, not you.

Chin up. Remember the good times. "

Thanks I'm sure Im to blame somewhere along the line just wish I'd known earlier I could have done something about it

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By *ellinever70Woman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

I rarely do stupid things these days

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By *ryandseeMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire

Always best to apogize as down as possible so never let something fester for either one. I am not keen on ignoring stuff hoping they go away. I like to sort it out and then move on. I will quite happily pretend it was sort of my fault as I know some people find it very hard to say sorry or accept that are in the wrong. Life is too short

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Always best to apogize as down as possible so never let something fester for either one. I am not keen on ignoring stuff hoping they go away. I like to sort it out and then move on. I will quite happily pretend it was sort of my fault as I know some people find it very hard to say sorry or accept that are in the wrong. Life is too short "

The problem is I didn't know until two week after that I'd done anything wrong

I just think from there point of view things had run its course which is such a shame as I really liked them ..still nothing lasts for ever.

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By *heArrowsCouple
over a year ago

I do. I still remember super embarrassing things from the last 20 years.

A PC I built in particular. I obsess and I own the shame to this day.

I recently made a blunder and was calling someone on here by the wrong name. I got mixed up between single accounts and a couples account. I carry the shame and let it make me a better person

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By *rMojoRisinMan
over a year ago

Sheffield

I’d try and make amends or offer my apologies. If they don’t accept, there’s not much more you can do.

Why waste energy worrying about it.

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"I’d try and make amends or offer my apologies. If they don’t accept, there’s not much more you can do.

Why waste energy worrying about it. "

I've already apologised I will leave it with them I think

She has my number if she ever wants to get in touch

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By *ryandseeMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire

The problem is I didn't know until two week after that I'd done anything wrong

I just think from there point of view things had run its course which is such a shame as I really liked them ..still nothing lasts for ever."

That's true and as you say you were not even aware

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I dwell far too often on stupid things I’ve done or could’ve done differently, the worst is at 3am when my brain digs up stuff from years ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I overthink everything and always need closure (it’s definitely a curse!). I will often remember something stupid I’ve said or done years down the line and feel the dread and regret all over again.

It’s all the more difficult to give yourself closure if you don’t truly understand what you did wrong in the first place, but it sounds as though the situation wasn’t necessarily a healthy one for you OP. Give yourself a short time limit to dwell on it and then you need to brush yourself down and walk away with your head high. L x

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"I overthink everything and always need closure (it’s definitely a curse!). I will often remember something stupid I’ve said or done years down the line and feel the dread and regret all over again.

Thank you

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

"Be like a dog, just shake it off and then wag your tail chasing something that makes you happy.

Wise words

I was just about to write the same.

Wise words...depending on the situation probably easier said than done. But,.with time it becomes easier.

Self reflection is foos but don't keep bearing yourself up about it.

Sorry to see you are in that spot..it does make it worse when you didn't mean it xx

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Be like a dog, just shake it off and then wag your tail chasing something that makes you happy.

Wise words

I was just about to write the same.

Wise words...depending on the situation probably easier said than done. But,.with time it becomes easier.

Self reflection is foos but don't keep bearing yourself up about it.

Sorry to see you are in that spot..it does make it worse when you didn't mean it xx"

Thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If there is no way to make it up to the other person then I try to file it under "lesson learned" and move on. Guilt is a pretty useless emotion unless you try to view it as teaching you something. If you were an absolute horrible bastard then you wouldn't feel bad. So there's a positive. Remember that acting this way made you feel shit, so protect yourself in the future and try not to act that way again.

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"If there is no way to make it up to the other person then I try to file it under "lesson learned" and move on. Guilt is a pretty useless emotion unless you try to view it as teaching you something. If you were an absolute horrible bastard then you wouldn't feel bad. So there's a positive. Remember that acting this way made you feel shit, so protect yourself in the future and try not to act that way again."

Again very wise words thank you

It just the fact I've lost the friendship that's really playing on my mind but hey people come and people go I guess.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Again very wise words thank you

It just the fact I've lost the friendship that's really playing on my mind but hey people come and people go I guess."

Your right there it dosnt matter if it's the swinging world or vanilla people will come in and out of your life and there's not much you can do about it

There are plenty of other people out there and from looking at your profile you seem like a wonderful guy who is popular

As others have said chin up and stuff em

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't blame yourself. Seems like you just said "good night"...am I understanding that correctly?

I'd say that to friends if its getting late and I want to go to bed.

Maybe she felt it was progressing into more than friends territory, so why not communicate that instead.

Saying goodnight is a nice thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes.

My shower brunts the most of embarrassed mumblings.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No brige is truely Burned if they cared for you at all

Only briges that are truely burned are people who didn’t give a toss about you in the first place

Yes it may take time it may take time way but if they cared at all there is always a chance to rebuild that brige

We only humen we make mastkes we learn adapt and change

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Don't blame yourself. Seems like you just said "good night"...am I understanding that correctly?

I'd say that to friends if its getting late and I want to go to bed.

Maybe she felt it was progressing into more than friends territory, so why not communicate that instead.

Saying goodnight is a nice thing.

I think she said good night to me still I've had all day to process my thoughts and thanks everyone for what seems to be common advice

I'm not going to dwell anymore

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"No brige is truely Burned if they cared for you at all

Only briges that are truely burned are people who didn’t give a toss about you in the first place

Yes it may take time it may take time way but if they cared at all there is always a chance to rebuild that brige

We only humen we make mastkes we learn adapt and change "

Not sure with this I suspect she does care but there are other factors in her life that have made her take the decisions she has ...plus also I probably didn't help matters

Let bygones be bygones and we can all move on

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By *inx.x3Woman
over a year ago

Bath

Water off a ducks back for myself. I don’t really give things much thought. If Iv said sorry and they don’t accept it then oh well.

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Water off a ducks back for myself. I don’t really give things much thought. If Iv said sorry and they don’t accept it then oh well. "

Whats your secret how do you not worry ...that's what I'm interested in.

How do other folks not worry ?

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By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

Definitely. I always think of scenarios it could've been avoided, who the mistake affected, what they think, how face doing the same task. Reflection is a good thing, but the way I do it may be unhealthy.

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham, North Yorkshire and can travel

It depends who and what. If it's someone close to me then I definitely dwell on it and feel guilty.

If it's not then I'll feel bad for a short while but then move on.

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"It depends who and what. If it's someone close to me then I definitely dwell on it and feel guilty.

If it's not then I'll feel bad for a short while but then move on."

I'm not sure how close they were to me

I thought we were getting in very well but clearly I got that wrong

I just hope that if I bump into them again we can be friendly as they were lovely people.

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"Definitely. I always think of scenarios it could've been avoided, who the mistake affected, what they think, how face doing the same task. Reflection is a good thing, but the way I do it may be unhealthy."

I think I do exactly the same I need to find a healthier way of dealing with things

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We all upset people in life but what matters is intention. If you didn't intend to upset the person, then it's not something you need to dwell on. We all make mistakes and good people do bad things sometimes. Always apologise, acknowledge how you've made that person feel and move forward.

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"We all upset people in life but what matters is intention. If you didn't intend to upset the person, then it's not something you need to dwell on. We all make mistakes and good people do bad things sometimes. Always apologise, acknowledge how you've made that person feel and move forward."

Thank you wise advise from a fellow Brummy

. I hope

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By *ndecentexposureMan
over a year ago

north london

"So recently I've done something stupid and upset someone of which I'm truly sorry,and I've burnt my bridges with them as well.

I didn't realise I had caused the issue at the time which makes it even worse in my mind.

I know I'll feel better in time and I hope they will too.

"
this used to affect me quite a lot . I would have sleepless nights because of it . Somehow and I don't remember why I stopped caring what others think of my own mistakes and I'm OK now . We all make them as long as we learn from them then we should be allowed/able to move on without them influencing our lives too badly .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm much like yourself OP, dwell on most of my mistakes way beyond the post mortem to learn from it. Eventually I'm able to look back and think of it as just a mistake that I've learnt from, except if it involves another person. Then the emotions can linger, waiting to be recalled at a moments notice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Iv been dwelling for 2 fucking years so id say thats a big yes

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By *uietly_KinkyMan
over a year ago

High Wycombe

I used to, but the list has got too long.

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By * U mineMan
over a year ago

Fun

[Removed by poster at 17/04/22 22:42:29]

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By * U mineMan
over a year ago

Fun

If you're stupid don't apologise just enjoy your carefree attitude.

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By *merald Eyes XWoman
over a year ago

Can you find me….

If I thought I did something wrong my conscience would get the better of me and I would need to apologise…

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire

This is sensible advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nope because I only ever do stupid things

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By *ellhungvweMan
over a year ago

Cheltenham

If I have done something stupid I won’t dwell on it but I will sit and think about how it came to be and to see if there was anything I could do differently in the future.

If I can rectify it I will probably try but I will then move on. Life is too short to be crushed by your past and we all make mistakes.

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

I am still dwelling on stupid things, I did in my teens. Not a good thing, but I don't know how to stop myself.

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By *aughty but nice... OP Man
over a year ago

Staffs

"If I have done something stupid I won’t dwell on it but I will sit and think about how it came to be and to see if there was anything I could do differently in the future.

If I can rectify it I will probably try but I will then move on. Life is too short to be crushed by your past and we all make mistakes."

Too true

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