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jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Where are today's jokes?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

two men walk into a bar...one says ouch!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Fire Service were left nonplussed today after dousing a fire in a Belfast pub to find ten Irishmen standing at the counter with both arms outstretched. The men were dead and burnt to a crisp and it was only after a sharp-eyed fireman noticed the emergency exit sign that the riddle was solved. It read: In case of emergencies, push bar to open

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

A horse walks into a bar and the bar tender says...

Sorry we don't serve horses, this is a bar for humans.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

had unprotected phone sex.. now ive got hearinh aids

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It's actually none of your business, I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar.

Apparently they had a really great night.

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

So far in Scrabble my team's losing, despite using 'boobies', 'willy' and 'fannyfart'.

We'll be having serious words later

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why did the chicken cross the road?

It's actually none of your business, I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned."

Why did the baby cross the road though?

Cos it was stapled to the chicken!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's white and swings through the trees?

Tarzan the Fridge.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's white and blue and swings through the trees?

Tarzan the Fridge wearing a denim jacket.

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

An Irishman, a homosexual and a Jew are standing at a bar.

What a fine example of an integrated community.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do elephants wear sandals on the beach?

So they don't sink into the sand obviously.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do ostriches bury their heads in the sand?

They're looking for elephants not wearing sandals.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you close the fridge door, how do you know for certain that the light has gone off. I mean for absolute certain.

And how does the road know where I'm going?

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

Why doesn't a woman need a wrist watch?

Because they're actually becoming generally obsolete with the advent of mobile phones.

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

What's red but smells of green paint?

Red paint.

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Hubby went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation the Dr said "it must be very stressful for your wife " he said "to be perfectly honest it's getting on her tits "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been reading some statistics on the most common way people walk when d*unk

Its staggering.

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago


"How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her."

You are scaring me!

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden


"How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

You are scaring me!"

Amusing you would be preferable but scaring is a very close second.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her."

Which joke book have you got ?

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden


"How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Which joke book have you got ?"

The anti-joke chicken

Search google images - genius!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Reading some of these, I wish I'd never asked lmao

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why doesn't a woman need a wrist watch?

Because they're actually becoming generally obsolete with the advent of mobile phones."

Not many people have wrist watches these days either.

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By *anda man.Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Alternative comedian or what?

As in alternative to being funny..

Sad B*****d.

Beano or Dandy jokes..give 'em a try pal..might improve your repartee.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i wake up every morning and thank god i'm a Atheist

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By *amnationsedgeMan
over a year ago

Ashborne

I quit my job at the helium factory recently, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

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By *amnationsedgeMan
over a year ago

Ashborne

Yesterday I was mugged by a man in a wheelchair and camo gear.

All I have to say to him is you can hide but you can't run.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Two nuns in a bath. One says to the other, "where's the soap?", the other one says "it certainly does".

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By *amnationsedgeMan
over a year ago

Ashborne

A man goes to the doctor after a car crash with his steering wheel jammed into his crotch. The doctor asks if its a problem and the man replies "its driving me nuts."

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

I haven't got a twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times.

I've got three followers so far, but I think two are cops

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's more boring than watching paint dry?

Watching dry paint.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Viagra have released a new 007 pill

It doesn't make you James Bond but it does make you roger moore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After 20 years of marriage a couple are lying in bed one evening, the missus feels her husband start to fondle her in ways he hadn't for quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at the back of her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just above her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of get breast again, working down her side, gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping at the uppermost portion of her leg,

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite arouse by the caressing she asked in a loving voice "That was wonderful, why did you stop?".

He replied: "I found the remote".

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