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"5/4 people admit to being bad with fractions. two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks Whats brown and sticky? a stick what was the name of the emperor penguin? Julius Freezer RIP boiled water. You will be mist. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show i've ever seen. " | |||
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"Him: ‘I was going to tell you a joke about my cock, but it’s too long’ Her: ‘That’s a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it’" That did make me laugh | |||
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"Lady Astor just moaned that I hadn't listened to a single word she'd said. I thought, thats a weird way to start a conversation Winston" | |||
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"My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I've lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange." I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left. The place was giving me the crepes. | |||
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"My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I've lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange. I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left. The place was giving me the crepes." | |||
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"Someone stole my trainers and hi vis the other day. I thought you can run but you can’t hide " | |||
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"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler." A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester” | |||
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"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”" An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool. | |||
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"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”" The clown at the fair got sacked, they are suing for funfair dismissal | |||
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"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester” The clown at the fair got sacked, they are suing for funfair dismissal " I tried to blow a clown once, tasted funny. Lady Astor | |||
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"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester” The clown at the fair got sacked, they are suing for funfair dismissal I tried to blow a clown once, tasted funny. Lady Astor " Two cannibals are eating a Clown. One says to the other... “Does this taste funny to you?” | |||
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"What did the slug say to the snail? “Big Issue sir?”" If a snail says he's not home, he's definitely lying! | |||
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"My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs. Winston" I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50." I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?” | |||
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"My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs. Winston I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50." I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”" Winston | |||
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"What did the slug say to the snail? “Big Issue sir?” If a snail says he's not home, he's definitely lying! " Properly loled at that | |||
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"What did the slug say to the snail? “Big Issue sir?” If a snail says he's not home, he's definitely lying! Properly loled at that " A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about? | |||
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"I actually heard a really good dad joke the other day, and instantly thought of you! I forgot which joke it was though... " It makes me happy you thought of me in that context It makes me sad that you forgot | |||
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"Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it. Why do elephants paint their balls red? So they can hide in cherry trees. What is the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries. " | |||
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"Why shouldn't you take the piss out of a dwarf with a learning difficulty ? Because it's not big and it's not clever ! " I had a dwarf do some unpaid work for me...he always wanted paying under the table. Also used to play poker with him but stopped...he always had a huge chip on his shoulder #2for1tuesday | |||
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"I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it. Winston" I came.second in a winston churchhill lookalike.competition.....i was close but no cigar | |||
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"People are up in arms about the building of a new crematorium. Apparently it’s a burning issue.." Yeah, them NIMBYs and their placards that say "Over my dead body!" | |||
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"Which type of bees produce milk?…… Boobies!! D." 38 Bs does a good job too. | |||
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"What do you call a girl with tiles on her head?" roof ? Lol | |||
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"What does the horny toad say ? Rub it rub it What happened to the man who slipped on a bra ? He fell into a booby trap " This is now a gift card. Just search for Spike Miligan: booby trap/WW II joke. | |||
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"Disney have announced plans to produce their first porn film, focusing on group sex and coprophilia. It's to be titled Pretty Shitty Gang Bang." Actually it's their second. Their first one was a live action film starring David Mac Pullin and the film was called Wanker in the Woods. | |||
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"Mary had a little lamb,the doctor died of fright." Mary had a little lamb, The doctor died of fright. It had nothing to do With the fact That she was called The shepherds' delight | |||
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"I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect! Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces." I’m saving that | |||
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"I've just put all my old dogging equipment up for sale on eBay. I haven't had any bids yet, but I've got 12 watchers." Love it, stole it | |||
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"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still, no eye deer. " What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls? Still, no fucking, eye deer. | |||
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"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still, no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls? Still, no fucking, eye deer." What do you call a legless, copulating, eyeless deer. Still, fucking, no eye deer | |||
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"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still, no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls, comatose after supping a shedload of Swedish vodka? Absolut-ly, still, no fucking, eye deer. What do you call a legless, copulating, eyeless deer. Still, fucking, no eye deer " | |||
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" What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls, comatose after supping a shedload of Swedish vodka? Absolut-ly, still, no fucking, eye deer. " Still, absolut-ly, no fucking, eye deer | |||
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" What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls, comatose after supping a shedload of Swedish vodka? Absolut-ly, still, no fucking, eye deer. Still, absolut-ly, no fucking, no eye deer " | |||
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"There is a sign in the village of Condom, France that tells people leaving the village to please-come-again." | |||
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"My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay. I’m shitting bricks to be honest." If you drank liquid cement, you would have just been stöned, | |||
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"Hit me with them please " Quote,, I 2 was a man trapped inside a womans body,, But then I was born.... Chuck Norris. | |||
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