FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes please

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Cheer me up with your best (worst) dad jokes please.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Scientists are studying the effect of

cannabis on sea birds.

They've left no tern unstoned.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I'm completely dismayed.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She said she was a masochist.

I told her that I was a sadist.

She said, "Hurt me."

I said, "NO."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ev257Man
over a year ago

cardiff

Viagra, it may not make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.

Boom boom

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So I went in to the bank to meet the new bank manager yesterday, she told me her name was Rebecca but everyone calls me becks,

I said my names Andy but you can all me dick,

She replied how do you get dick from Andy I said you ask nicely

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Viagra, it may not make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.

Boom boom"

My grandfather is addicted to viagra, no one is taking it harder then my grandmother.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Viagra, it may not make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.

Boom boom

My grandfather is addicted to viagra, no one is taking it harder then my grandmother."

I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball."

Not all guys play golf lol

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a movie coming out soon about hillbillies.

I can't wait to see the trailer.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees ?

Because they’re so good at it

Where are average things made?

In a satis-factory

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oney_Bee_xTV/TS
over a year ago

Teesside

LMAO !!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth

So I have an uncle, once removed.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *irtydevil666Man
over a year ago

bristol

What did Yoda say when he saw Luke struggling to eat noodles? Use the forks Luke!

What did Yoda said to Princess Lea after separating with Han Solo...

May the divorce be with you....

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What did Yoda say when he saw Luke struggling to eat noodles? Use the forks Luke!

What did Yoda said to Princess Lea after separating with Han Solo...

May the divorce be with you....

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo"

What did yoda say when he saw star wars broadcast in 4K for the first time ?

HDMI

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with

Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eacupsbearCouple
over a year ago

York

What has six legs. Six pockets and 15 red balls and if it fell out of a tree could kill you..

A snooker table.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

I stumble and Eiffel over in Paris

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ev257Man
over a year ago

cardiff

How does Bob Marley like his donuts???

With jamming

Boom boom

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stevie Wonder’s daughter is gorgeous, have you seen her?

Neither has he.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with arthritis.

He told reporters ‘I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes’

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with arthritis.

He told reporters ‘I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes’

Have you been saving that since ‘94?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

"Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with arthritis.

He told reporters ‘I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes’

Have you been saving that since ‘94?"

Probably even earlier

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ill1966Man
over a year ago

Swindon

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep???

A woolly jumper!!

Boom boom

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

Man asks his wife "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

Wife says "out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis"

Winston

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Somebody said my dad's gay.

And I'm now trying to work out which one.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Viagra, it may not make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.

Boom boom

My grandfather is addicted to viagra, no one is taking it harder then my grandmother.

I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin."

Though it was Stopsmycoxaflopin?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *empest2KMan
over a year ago

Derby

Q: What do you get if you cross the films “My Left Foot” and “Free Willy”?

A: “My Free Foot Willy”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aughty_tonyMan
over a year ago

King's Lynn

He sometimes struggles finding golf balls too

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *r SproutMan
over a year ago

the middle

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought it have fun taking up whipping, necrophilia and bestiality, but to be honest I'm just flogging a dead horse.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Red Indian Brave says to his Squaw "Whats wrong Deep cave" Deep Cave replies. " Oh Nothing Little Arrow "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

“Did you hear about the girl that attracts all the squirrels” said Dave,George Replies”Yes shes nuts”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two Midgets wanted a baby. They went to their doctor. Who said they could have one. And would they like a baby boy or a girl. The midgets replied , they didnt mind as long as it fitted inside a cannon.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *r WhispererMan
over a year ago

brynmawr

In an argument with my wife she accused me of hating all her family..

I said that’s simply not true , in fact I like your mother in law a lot better than I like mine.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

How did Fats Domino die?

He collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member.......

Winston

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My favourite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather

Until my mother took the urn from me

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's black and plastic and sails the seven seas????....bin bag the sailor.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My wife is super upset at our neighbour who happens to enjoy suntanning in her backyard naked.

Personally though, I'm on the fence.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My wife is super upset at our neighbour who happens to enjoy suntanning in her backyard naked.

Personally though, I'm on the fence."

I would be too

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My favourite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather

Until my mother took the urn from me"

OMG I feel bad laughing at that

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My favourite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather

Until my mother took the urn from me

OMG I feel bad laughing at that

Me too

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *educedWoman
over a year ago

Birmingham

Did you know, that if you shake imaginary salt from an imaginary salt shaker on your tongue, you can actually taste salt?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *nigmatic EroticaWoman
over a year ago

the naughty corner

[Removed by poster at 20/03/22 08:49:12]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *nigmatic EroticaWoman
over a year ago

the naughty corner

"Did you know, that if you shake imaginary salt from an imaginary salt shaker on your tongue, you can actually taste salt? "
I wonder how many are trying that now!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

My favourite sex position is called "WOW".

It's where I flip your mom over.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *reamblueMan
over a year ago

London

What do you call a Malaysian dwarf?

A Kuala oompah Lumpur

(No racism or sizeism intended)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get if you cross a sex toy with a south American rodent?

An Armadildo

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

They call me Jigsaw.

Because you've got to be bored to do me......

Winston

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you've got a massive green ball in one hand and another massive green ball in the other - what have you got?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't fuck with a stupid dwarf

It ain't big and it ain't clever

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you've got a massive green ball in one hand and another massive green ball in the other - what have you got?"

The undivided attention of the jolly green giant

Even less funny when you have to quote yourself to do the punchline

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.

Winston

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If you've got a massive green ball in one hand and another massive green ball in the other - what have you got?

The undivided attention of the jolly green giant

Even less funny when you have to quote yourself to do the punchline

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you've got a massive green ball in one hand and another massive green ball in the other - what have you got?

The undivided attention of the jolly green giant

Even less funny when you have to quote yourself to do the punchline

That comment was funnier than the joke

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you've got a massive green ball in one hand and another massive green ball in the other - what have you got?

The undivided attention of the jolly green giant

Even less funny when you have to quote yourself to do the punchline

That comment was funnier than the joke

Which isn't really all that difficult as its a really sh!t joke

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 10 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".

The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meet Patty.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.

Winston"

Yeah you say that, but I've got a rubbish thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them."

Haha! I just saw that one too

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Haha! I just saw that one too

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

I keep randomly shouting cauliflower and broccoli.

I think I've got florets.

Winston

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *amesGentleman69Man
over a year ago

chesterfield

I cried when my dad cut onions up, .. Onions was a good dog

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

I got a letter today amazingly meant for Vladimir Putin....

well, it was addressed to

" the occupier"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *arkietwoCouple
over a year ago

Travel All Over

My lesbian neighbours just brought round a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch

Mike

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I cried when my dad cut onions up, .. Onions was a good dog "

I feel really bad for laughing

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

Doctor Doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains.

Pull yourself together man.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ayneKingMan
over a year ago

South East

What does ‘idk’ stand for?

I’ve asked lots of people but no one seems to know!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ayneKingMan
over a year ago

South East

What’s the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why didn't the lifeguard save rhe drowning hippy?

Because they were too far out man

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Guy goes on holiday to Bali..after a couples of days texted his mate back home saying...weather here is just like your mam...40 and hot

Mate texted back weather here just like your sister 18 and wet

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *andC84Couple
over a year ago

Preston

I’ve been told camouflaged is sexy….

I just don’t see it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *andC84Couple
over a year ago

Preston

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick….

She still isn’t talking to me.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

I got a dishwasher for the ex.

It was a fair swap!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

What's the difference between a dog and a fox ?

About 5 pints.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man takes his laptop back to the shop

"Everytime i start it up it starts singing"

"What do you expect sir, it's a dell"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *.robrobrobrobMan
over a year ago

London

Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?

He was pulled under by a strong currant.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lasgow rooferMan
over a year ago

Baillieston

My big fat parrot died yesterday

It a weight of my shoulder

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hostwolfMan
over a year ago

Scarborough

If he doesn't appreciate your fruit jokes then you need to let the mango

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *andonmessMan
over a year ago

A world all of his own

Have you heard the news about the explosion in the French cheese factory? There's de brie everywhere.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The man who invented auto correct has died. His funfair will be next monkey

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hurt my leg the other day tripping over a new born cow...don't worry though, it was just a small calf injury

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *erverseintentionsMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

Why did the condom run away ?

It was pissed off.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rSmith9Man
over a year ago

Norwich/London

Two aerials were getting married, the ceremony was ok but the reception was excellent!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *erverseintentionsMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

Don't make jokes about suicide .. you'll get too much (Caroline) Flak for it .

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The man who invented auto correct has died. His funfair will be next monkey"

Hope he burns in hello

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *obandlollyCouple
over a year ago

Long Eaton

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a Licksalotopus

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What kind.of cheese do you use to hide a small horse

Mascarpone

What kind of cheese do you use to entice a grizzly out of hibernation

Camembert

Did you hear the rumour that a new IVF is now beleieved to be 100% successful for all couples.

Its a misconception

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

What has 5 toes and is not your foot.

My foot

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

Bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.

Cant wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

"What kind.of cheese do you use to hide a small horse

Mascarpone

What kind of cheese do you use to entice a grizzly out of hibernation

Camembert

Did you hear the rumour that a new IVF is now beleieved to be 100% successful for all couples.

Its a misconception"

Did you hear about the explosion in the French cheese factory that destroyed it?

No one was hurt, but de Brie was everywhere

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.

Cant wait to see her face light up when she opens it."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *octor BearMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

What’s the difference between pink and purple?

The grip

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *UFSWoman
over a year ago

belfast

The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his

suitcase.

"What happened?"

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying

that I was coming home from my trip today.

"I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy

in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story.

Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there

must be a simple explanation ... Rachel didn't receive your Email."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

97% of people are stupid.

Thank God I'm in the other 5%.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *otallysmoothMan
over a year ago

Telford

"What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball."

Guy ca n find golf ball bt not g spot

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *for2Man
over a year ago

Bristol

A father booking in to a hotel with his family tells the receptionist "I want the porn to be disabled". The receptionist says: "It's just normal porn you pervert".

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s the difference between pink and purple?

The grip"

What's the difference between purple and blue?

Remembering the safe word.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *trideMan
over a year ago

Plymouth

The blond said to her doctor “My pussy hurts when I go out in the rain”.

He examined her and found nothing wrong. “Come back when it’s raining.” He said.

So she did, and he cut two inches off the tops of her wellington boots.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to an REM concert back in '92. They're my favourite band so I wanted my photo taken with them.

That's me in the corner.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *trideMan
over a year ago

Plymouth

Her face was really wrinkled until I took her bra off!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do ghosts like taking the elevator?

Because it lifts their spirits

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying blue paint. Both crews are said to be marooned.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

If I ever meet the bloke who invented the USB I'm going to punch him in the face.

Then turn my fist over and punch him again.

Winston

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a pint and a mop.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oubleswing2019Man
over a year ago

Colchester

Why should you never wear nuclear underwear?

Chernobyl fall out

What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *erverseintentionsMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

I'm sick of the antagonising from this russian dictator

It's time he got Putin his place .

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *akie32Man
over a year ago

winchester

"If I ever meet the bloke who invented the USB I'm going to punch him in the face.

Then turn my fist over and punch him again.

Winston"

this diserves a repost

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *UFSWoman
over a year ago

belfast

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be

when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our future son-in-law."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *omer47Man
over a year ago

leigh

Little boy says to his mum "I know where god lives ",do you she replied, yes mum he lives next door because I always hear mrs Jones at night shouting oh god oh god yes yes.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ig_time_CharlieMan
over a year ago

Cambridge and London

"Don't make jokes about suicide .. you'll get too much (Caroline) Flak for it . "

I like a joke but this is just wrong.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *innocentMan
over a year ago

Littlehampton

Went to the opticians and was diagnosed with colour blindness.

Feeling very sad now ,that news come straight out of the purple

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does a woman do with her asshole before sex?

Drops him off at the golf club.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Don't make jokes about suicide .. you'll get too much (Caroline) Flak for it .

I like a joke but this is just wrong. "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *atchusplay1000Couple
over a year ago

Sutton Coldfield

What is all the fuss about wasting electricity?

I’ve got plenty of it coming out of every socket in my house, and despite using as much as I can I have never run out.

In fact, with so much of it about I really don’t know how they can justify the prices they charge.

My bill is always sky high!

(thanks to VIZ)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a bloke with a seagull on his head?………..Cliff

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a pint and a mop.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a dog with no ears ?

Anything you like he's still not going to come

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

Just found 2 lumps on my car battery. Had them both tested. One came back positive. I hope its not terminal.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bloke comes home from a night out, in the morning his wife goes ballistic.

"why's there lipstick on your shirt?"

"cos i wiped my cock clean with it"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

What would you get if you poured boiling water into a rabbit hole at Easter....

A hot, cross bunny

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps." When I played it, I said to myself.

"This doesn't sound like wasps.

I was right. I was playing the B-side.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *MCMan
over a year ago

London/EA

I sent my hearing aid for repair 2 weeks ago..

I haven’t heard anything since..

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My penis was in the Guinness book of Records till the librarian caught me

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *MCMan
over a year ago

London/EA

A guy stopped me in the street the other day and asked why I was carrying a 9ft book..

I said ‘it’s a long story’.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps." When I played it, I said to myself.

"This doesn't sound like wasps.

I was right. I was playing the B-side."

A husband and wife were shopping in Ancient Rome

The husband took a L toga and showed it to her wife.

The wife said , “I’m big, but I’m not that big! Get me a smaller size.

So the husband returned the L toga and grabbed the XL one.

The wife replied, “That’s better.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Old Macdonald had a dolphin.

E-e-e-e-e

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where does napoleon keep his armies

Up his sleevies

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Old Macdonald had a dolphin.

E-e-e-e-e"

Old Macdonald had tourettes

Ee I ee I cunt

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Old Macdonald had a dolphin.

E-e-e-e-e

Old Macdonald had tourettes

Ee I ee I cunt"

Old Macdonald had dyslexia

I E I E F

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *unandgamegeekMan
over a year ago

Bolton

If you watch any Godzilla movie backwards, they become heartwarming stories about giant monsters rebuilding towns and cities.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a bear with no paw?

Rupert The Bastard.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lappyMan
over a year ago

Manchester

when I graduated from my comedy course at university, I thought I’d be laughing

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lappyMan
over a year ago

Manchester

I went past a sign that said bury crematorium the other day I thought make your mind up

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *itygamesMan
over a year ago

man had a golf ball stuck up his bum , was up a fairway

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lappyMan
over a year ago

Manchester

the world’s laziest teacher has died and will be buried next week in an unmarked grave

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving through the desert.

The car breaks down, and they've got no cell reception, so they have to walk to get help.

The brunette says: "I'll grab the bottled water in case we get thirsty."

The redhead says: "I'll grab the snacks in case we get hungry."

The blonde rips the drivers side door off its hinges. "I'll take this door, so if we get hot, I can roll the window down."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: What's green, found in the garden and sings rock & roll?

A: Elvis Parsley

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

My mother told me that the only musicians more promiscuous than rock and roll artists were jazz musicians.

Because they were always having sax!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Just found 2 lumps on my car battery. Had them both tested. One came back positive. I hope its not terminal. "

Throw him in the cell.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

The cleaned up version of Fairy Tale of New York, is called the Snowflake Edit.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"My mother told me that the only musicians more promiscuous than rock and roll artists were jazz musicians.

Because they were always having sax!

Did you get that from a jazz mag?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Just found 2 lumps on my car battery. Had them both tested. One came back positive. I hope its not terminal.

Throw him in the cell."

Then charge him!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant what kills Coronavirus?

she said ‘Ammonia Cleaner’

I said sorry, I thought you worked here.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

A Swedish man walks into ABBA

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"A Swedish man walks into ABBA

Dooby, dooby, do be more careful in future!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago

Deepest darkest Peru

Yesterday I saw a sheep wearing a swimsuit drive past in a car ……..

It was a Lamb bikini

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

"Man takes his laptop back to the shop

"Everytime i start it up it starts singing"

"What do you expect sir, it's a dell" "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon”

Man: “Am I dying?”

Doctor: “No, your wife is”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon”

Man: “Am I dying?”

Doctor: “No, your wife is”"

funerals are cheaper than divorces.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *alking HeadMan
over a year ago

Bolton

"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes"

"Have you seen a doctor?"

" No, just the spots"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *trideMan
over a year ago

Plymouth

Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel’s pierced? That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I finally had the opperation on my neck , and i havent looked back since!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Siri , why do i keep messing things up with women ? This is alexa!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My wife and I had this long pointless

argument as to which vowel is the most

important.

I won.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just made a cake for everyone , because all of all the fights i been starting....... come on who wants some

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.

I said maybe…

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wow there is a small island just off the coast of italy, inhabited by 5 million sicillion people...... thats the biggest number ive ever heard

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 27/03/22 09:11:29]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This Couple were going to a fancy dress party and decided to go as Tarzan and Jane , so the wife sent off for the costumes and when they retuned Jane's one fitted perfectly but her husband's was on the small side as it didn't cover his manhood so she got the next size and same result so he went himself to the costume shop and explained his case to which the guy produced the only two next sizes he had in stock to which both were too small and the costume guy said to the man " you'd be better off throw it over your shoulder and go to the party as a petrol pump "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The misses says she,s leaving me cos im too competitive........ not if i leave her first!!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

[Removed by poster at 27/03/22 12:31:17]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Masochist: Beat me, whip me, hurt me and make me feel cheap.

Sadist: No.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately