FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes please

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Cheer me up with your best (worst) dad jokes please.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Scientists are studying the effect of

cannabis on sea birds.

They've left no tern unstoned.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I'm completely dismayed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.

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By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She said she was a masochist.

I told her that I was a sadist.

She said, "Hurt me."

I said, "NO."

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By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?

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By *ev257Man
over a year ago

cardiff

Viagra, it may not make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.

Boom boom

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So I went in to the bank to meet the new bank manager yesterday, she told me her name was Rebecca but everyone calls me becks,

I said my names Andy but you can all me dick,

She replied how do you get dick from Andy I said you ask nicely

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Viagra, it may not make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.

Boom boom"

My grandfather is addicted to viagra, no one is taking it harder then my grandmother.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Viagra, it may not make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.

Boom boom

My grandfather is addicted to viagra, no one is taking it harder then my grandmother."

I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball."

Not all guys play golf lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a movie coming out soon about hillbillies.

I can't wait to see the trailer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees ?

Because they’re so good at it

Where are average things made?

In a satis-factory

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By *oney_Bee_xTV/TS
over a year ago

Teesside

LMAO !!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth

So I have an uncle, once removed.

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By *irtydevil666Man
over a year ago

bristol

What did Yoda say when he saw Luke struggling to eat noodles? Use the forks Luke!

What did Yoda said to Princess Lea after separating with Han Solo...

May the divorce be with you....

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What did Yoda say when he saw Luke struggling to eat noodles? Use the forks Luke!

What did Yoda said to Princess Lea after separating with Han Solo...

May the divorce be with you....

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo"

What did yoda say when he saw star wars broadcast in 4K for the first time ?

HDMI

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with

Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

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By *eacupsbearCouple
over a year ago

York

What has six legs. Six pockets and 15 red balls and if it fell out of a tree could kill you..

A snooker table.

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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

I stumble and Eiffel over in Paris

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By *ev257Man
over a year ago

cardiff

How does Bob Marley like his donuts???

With jamming

Boom boom

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stevie Wonder’s daughter is gorgeous, have you seen her?

Neither has he.

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with arthritis.

He told reporters ‘I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes’

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with arthritis.

He told reporters ‘I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes’

Have you been saving that since ‘94?

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

"Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with arthritis.

He told reporters ‘I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes’

Have you been saving that since ‘94?"

Probably even earlier

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By *ill1966Man
over a year ago

swindon

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep???

A woolly jumper!!

Boom boom

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

Man asks his wife "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

Wife says "out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis"

Winston

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Somebody said my dad's gay.

And I'm now trying to work out which one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Viagra, it may not make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.

Boom boom

My grandfather is addicted to viagra, no one is taking it harder then my grandmother.

I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin."

Though it was Stopsmycoxaflopin?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

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By *empest2KMan
over a year ago

Derby

Q: What do you get if you cross the films “My Left Foot” and “Free Willy”?

A: “My Free Foot Willy”

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By *aughty_tonyMan
over a year ago

King's Lynn

He sometimes struggles finding golf balls too

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By *r SproutMan
over a year ago

the middle somewhere

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought it have fun taking up whipping, necrophilia and bestiality, but to be honest I'm just flogging a dead horse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Red Indian Brave says to his Squaw "Whats wrong Deep cave" Deep Cave replies. " Oh Nothing Little Arrow "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

“Did you hear about the girl that attracts all the squirrels” said Dave,George Replies”Yes shes nuts”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two Midgets wanted a baby. They went to their doctor. Who said they could have one. And would they like a baby boy or a girl. The midgets replied , they didnt mind as long as it fitted inside a cannon.

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By *r WhispererMan
over a year ago

brynmawr

In an argument with my wife she accused me of hating all her family..

I said that’s simply not true , in fact I like your mother in law a lot better than I like mine.

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

How did Fats Domino die?

He collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member.......

Winston

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My favourite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather

Until my mother took the urn from me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's black and plastic and sails the seven seas????....bin bag the sailor.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My wife is super upset at our neighbour who happens to enjoy suntanning in her backyard naked.

Personally though, I'm on the fence.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My wife is super upset at our neighbour who happens to enjoy suntanning in her backyard naked.

Personally though, I'm on the fence."

I would be too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My favourite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather

Until my mother took the urn from me"

OMG I feel bad laughing at that

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My favourite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather

Until my mother took the urn from me

OMG I feel bad laughing at that

Me too

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By *educedWoman
over a year ago

Birmingham

Did you know, that if you shake imaginary salt from an imaginary salt shaker on your tongue, you can actually taste salt?

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By *nigmatic EroticaWoman
over a year ago

the naughty corner

[Removed by poster at 20/03/22 08:49:12]

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By *nigmatic EroticaWoman
over a year ago

the naughty corner

"Did you know, that if you shake imaginary salt from an imaginary salt shaker on your tongue, you can actually taste salt? "
I wonder how many are trying that now!

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

My favourite sex position is called "WOW".

It's where I flip your mom over.

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By *reamblueMan
over a year ago

London

What do you call a Malaysian dwarf?

A Kuala oompah Lumpur

(No racism or sizeism intended)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get if you cross a sex toy with a south American rodent?

An Armadildo

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

They call me Jigsaw.

Because you've got to be bored to do me......

Winston

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you've got a massive green ball in one hand and another massive green ball in the other - what have you got?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't fuck with a stupid dwarf

It ain't big and it ain't clever

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you've got a massive green ball in one hand and another massive green ball in the other - what have you got?"

The undivided attention of the jolly green giant

Even less funny when you have to quote yourself to do the punchline

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.

Winston

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If you've got a massive green ball in one hand and another massive green ball in the other - what have you got?

The undivided attention of the jolly green giant

Even less funny when you have to quote yourself to do the punchline

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you've got a massive green ball in one hand and another massive green ball in the other - what have you got?

The undivided attention of the jolly green giant

Even less funny when you have to quote yourself to do the punchline

That comment was funnier than the joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you've got a massive green ball in one hand and another massive green ball in the other - what have you got?

The undivided attention of the jolly green giant

Even less funny when you have to quote yourself to do the punchline

That comment was funnier than the joke

Which isn't really all that difficult as its a really sh!t joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 10 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".

The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meet Patty.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.

Winston"

Yeah you say that, but I've got a rubbish thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them."

Haha! I just saw that one too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Haha! I just saw that one too

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

I keep randomly shouting cauliflower and broccoli.

I think I've got florets.

Winston

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By *amesGentleman69Man
over a year ago

chesterfield

I cried when my dad cut onions up, .. Onions was a good dog

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

I got a letter today amazingly meant for Vladimir Putin....

well, it was addressed to

" the occupier"

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By *arkietwoCouple
over a year ago

Travel All Over

My lesbian neighbours just brought round a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch

Mike

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I cried when my dad cut onions up, .. Onions was a good dog "

I feel really bad for laughing

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

Doctor Doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains.

Pull yourself together man.

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By *ayneKingMan
over a year ago

South East

What does ‘idk’ stand for?

I’ve asked lots of people but no one seems to know!

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By *ayneKingMan
over a year ago

South East

What’s the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why didn't the lifeguard save rhe drowning hippy?

Because they were too far out man

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Guy goes on holiday to Bali..after a couples of days texted his mate back home saying...weather here is just like your mam...40 and hot

Mate texted back weather here just like your sister 18 and wet

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By *andC84Couple
over a year ago

Preston

I’ve been told camouflaged is sexy….

I just don’t see it.

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By *andC84Couple
over a year ago

Preston

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick….

She still isn’t talking to me.

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

I got a dishwasher for the ex.

It was a fair swap!

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

What's the difference between a dog and a fox ?

About 5 pints.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man takes his laptop back to the shop

"Everytime i start it up it starts singing"

"What do you expect sir, it's a dell"

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By *.robrobrobrobMan
over a year ago

London

Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?

He was pulled under by a strong currant.

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By *lasgow rooferMan
over a year ago

Baillieston

My big fat parrot died yesterday

It a weight of my shoulder

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By *hostwolfMan
over a year ago

Scarborough

If he doesn't appreciate your fruit jokes then you need to let the mango

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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago

A world all of his own

Have you heard the news about the explosion in the French cheese factory? There's de brie everywhere.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The man who invented auto correct has died. His funfair will be next monkey

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hurt my leg the other day tripping over a new born cow...don't worry though, it was just a small calf injury

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By *erverseintentionsMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

Why did the condom run away ?

It was pissed off.

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By *rSmith9Man
over a year ago

Norwich/London

Two aerials were getting married, the ceremony was ok but the reception was excellent!

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By *erverseintentionsMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

Don't make jokes about suicide .. you'll get too much (Caroline) Flak for it .

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The man who invented auto correct has died. His funfair will be next monkey"

Hope he burns in hello

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug.

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By *obandlollyCouple
over a year ago

Long Eaton

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a Licksalotopus

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What kind.of cheese do you use to hide a small horse

Mascarpone

What kind of cheese do you use to entice a grizzly out of hibernation

Camembert

Did you hear the rumour that a new IVF is now beleieved to be 100% successful for all couples.

Its a misconception

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

What has 5 toes and is not your foot.

My foot

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

Bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.

Cant wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

"What kind.of cheese do you use to hide a small horse

Mascarpone

What kind of cheese do you use to entice a grizzly out of hibernation

Camembert

Did you hear the rumour that a new IVF is now beleieved to be 100% successful for all couples.

Its a misconception"

Did you hear about the explosion in the French cheese factory that destroyed it?

No one was hurt, but de Brie was everywhere

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.

Cant wait to see her face light up when she opens it."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug."

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By *octor BearMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

What’s the difference between pink and purple?

The grip

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By *UFSWoman
over a year ago

belfast

The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his

suitcase.

"What happened?"

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying

that I was coming home from my trip today.

"I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy

in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story.

Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there

must be a simple explanation ... Rachel didn't receive your Email."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

97% of people are stupid.

Thank God I'm in the other 5%.

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

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By *otallysmoothMan
over a year ago

Telford

"What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball."

Guy ca n find golf ball bt not g spot

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By *for2Man
over a year ago

Bristol

A father booking in to a hotel with his family tells the receptionist "I want the porn to be disabled". The receptionist says: "It's just normal porn you pervert".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s the difference between pink and purple?

The grip"

What's the difference between purple and blue?

Remembering the safe word.

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By *trideMan
over a year ago

Plymouth

The blond said to her doctor “My pussy hurts when I go out in the rain”.

He examined her and found nothing wrong. “Come back when it’s raining.” He said.

So she did, and he cut two inches off the tops of her wellington boots.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to an REM concert back in '92. They're my favourite band so I wanted my photo taken with them.

That's me in the corner.

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By *trideMan
over a year ago

Plymouth

Her face was really wrinkled until I took her bra off!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do ghosts like taking the elevator?

Because it lifts their spirits

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By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying blue paint. Both crews are said to be marooned.

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By *instonandLadyAstorCouple
over a year ago

Not where we seem to be...

If I ever meet the bloke who invented the USB I'm going to punch him in the face.

Then turn my fist over and punch him again.

Winston

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a pint and a mop.

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By *oubleswing2019Man
over a year ago

Colchester

Why should you never wear nuclear underwear?

Chernobyl fall out

What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

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By *erverseintentionsMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

I'm sick of the antagonising from this russian dictator

It's time he got Putin his place .

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By *akie32Man
over a year ago

winchester

"If I ever meet the bloke who invented the USB I'm going to punch him in the face.

Then turn my fist over and punch him again.

Winston"

this diserves a repost

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By *UFSWoman
over a year ago

belfast

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be

when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our future son-in-law."

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By *omer47Man
over a year ago

leigh

Little boy says to his mum "I know where god lives ",do you she replied, yes mum he lives next door because I always hear mrs Jones at night shouting oh god oh god yes yes.

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By *ig_time_CharlieMan
over a year ago

Cambridge and London

"Don't make jokes about suicide .. you'll get too much (Caroline) Flak for it . "

I like a joke but this is just wrong.

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By *innocentMan
over a year ago

Littlehampton

Went to the opticians and was diagnosed with colour blindness.

Feeling very sad now ,that news come straight out of the purple

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does a woman do with her asshole before sex?

Drops him off at the golf club.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Don't make jokes about suicide .. you'll get too much (Caroline) Flak for it .

I like a joke but this is just wrong. "

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By *atchusplay1000Couple
over a year ago

Sutton Coldfield

What is all the fuss about wasting electricity?

I’ve got plenty of it coming out of every socket in my house, and despite using as much as I can I have never run out.

In fact, with so much of it about I really don’t know how they can justify the prices they charge.

My bill is always sky high!

(thanks to VIZ)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a bloke with a seagull on his head?………..Cliff

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a pint and a mop.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a dog with no ears ?

Anything you like he's still not going to come

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

Just found 2 lumps on my car battery. Had them both tested. One came back positive. I hope its not terminal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bloke comes home from a night out, in the morning his wife goes ballistic.

"why's there lipstick on your shirt?"

"cos i wiped my cock clean with it"

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

What would you get if you poured boiling water into a rabbit hole at Easter....

A hot, cross bunny

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps." When I played it, I said to myself.

"This doesn't sound like wasps.

I was right. I was playing the B-side.

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By *MCMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

I sent my hearing aid for repair 2 weeks ago..

I haven’t heard anything since..

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My penis was in the Guinness book of Records till the librarian caught me

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By *MCMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

A guy stopped me in the street the other day and asked why I was carrying a 9ft book..

I said ‘it’s a long story’.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps." When I played it, I said to myself.

"This doesn't sound like wasps.

I was right. I was playing the B-side."

A husband and wife were shopping in Ancient Rome

The husband took a L toga and showed it to her wife.

The wife said , “I’m big, but I’m not that big! Get me a smaller size.

So the husband returned the L toga and grabbed the XL one.

The wife replied, “That’s better.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Old Macdonald had a dolphin.

E-e-e-e-e

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where does napoleon keep his armies

Up his sleevies

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Old Macdonald had a dolphin.

E-e-e-e-e"

Old Macdonald had tourettes

Ee I ee I cunt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Old Macdonald had a dolphin.

E-e-e-e-e

Old Macdonald had tourettes

Ee I ee I cunt"

Old Macdonald had dyslexia

I E I E F

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By *unandgamegeekMan
over a year ago

Bolton

If you watch any Godzilla movie backwards, they become heartwarming stories about giant monsters rebuilding towns and cities.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a bear with no paw?

Rupert The Bastard.

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By *lappyMan
over a year ago

Manchester

when I graduated from my comedy course at university, I thought I’d be laughing

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By *lappyMan
over a year ago

Manchester

I went past a sign that said bury crematorium the other day I thought make your mind up

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By *itygamesMan
over a year ago

man had a golf ball stuck up his bum , was up a fairway

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By *lappyMan
over a year ago

Manchester

the world’s laziest teacher has died and will be buried next week in an unmarked grave

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving through the desert.

The car breaks down, and they've got no cell reception, so they have to walk to get help.

The brunette says: "I'll grab the bottled water in case we get thirsty."

The redhead says: "I'll grab the snacks in case we get hungry."

The blonde rips the drivers side door off its hinges. "I'll take this door, so if we get hot, I can roll the window down."

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: What's green, found in the garden and sings rock & roll?

A: Elvis Parsley

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

My mother told me that the only musicians more promiscuous than rock and roll artists were jazz musicians.

Because they were always having sax!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Just found 2 lumps on my car battery. Had them both tested. One came back positive. I hope its not terminal. "

Throw him in the cell.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

The cleaned up version of Fairy Tale of New York, is called the Snowflake Edit.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"My mother told me that the only musicians more promiscuous than rock and roll artists were jazz musicians.

Because they were always having sax!

Did you get that from a jazz mag?

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Just found 2 lumps on my car battery. Had them both tested. One came back positive. I hope its not terminal.

Throw him in the cell."

Then charge him!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant what kills Coronavirus?

she said ‘Ammonia Cleaner’

I said sorry, I thought you worked here.

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

A Swedish man walks into ABBA

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"A Swedish man walks into ABBA

Dooby, dooby, do be more careful in future!

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By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago

Deepest darkest Peru

Yesterday I saw a sheep wearing a swimsuit drive past in a car ……..

It was a Lamb bikini

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

"Man takes his laptop back to the shop

"Everytime i start it up it starts singing"

"What do you expect sir, it's a dell" "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon”

Man: “Am I dying?”

Doctor: “No, your wife is”

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon”

Man: “Am I dying?”

Doctor: “No, your wife is”"

funerals are cheaper than divorces.

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By *alking HeadMan
over a year ago

Bolton

"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes"

"Have you seen a doctor?"

" No, just the spots"

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By *trideMan
over a year ago

Plymouth

Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel’s pierced? That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I finally had the opperation on my neck , and i havent looked back since!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Siri , why do i keep messing things up with women ? This is alexa!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My wife and I had this long pointless

argument as to which vowel is the most

important.

I won.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just made a cake for everyone , because all of all the fights i been starting....... come on who wants some

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By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.

I said maybe…

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wow there is a small island just off the coast of italy, inhabited by 5 million sicillion people...... thats the biggest number ive ever heard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 27/03/22 09:11:29]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This Couple were going to a fancy dress party and decided to go as Tarzan and Jane , so the wife sent off for the costumes and when they retuned Jane's one fitted perfectly but her husband's was on the small side as it didn't cover his manhood so she got the next size and same result so he went himself to the costume shop and explained his case to which the guy produced the only two next sizes he had in stock to which both were too small and the costume guy said to the man " you'd be better off throw it over your shoulder and go to the party as a petrol pump "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The misses says she,s leaving me cos im too competitive........ not if i leave her first!!!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

[Removed by poster at 27/03/22 12:31:17]

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Masochist: Beat me, whip me, hurt me and make me feel cheap.

Sadist: No.

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