FabSwingers.com forum: I may be being naive , but does this site / scene attract narcissists?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I may be being very naive, but I am just curious as to whether it is thought that this site / scene attracts a disproportionately high number of (sometimes covert ) narcissists than you would typically encounter on other apps- dating apps, social scenes , work places etc.

And does anyone else find themselves dealing with it again and again?

I am specifically talking about the love bomb- devalue and discard pattern (but in this case discard until unbearably horny again )

I have lost count of the amount of times where I have been pestered and begged for someone’s attention and time, spent time getting to know them off here, on other apps, on the phone etc . Discuss what we are both looking for and what we like, Been PERSUADED in some cases to finally meet.

In a lot of cases a guy has put a hell of a lot of time and effort into gaining my trust and making me feel comfortable when I have had doubts, have verified in ways I have asked them to when not verified on here , chatting on the phone, had social meets, agreed to certain stipulations of mine with regards to a meet which may have not been what they originally wanted , or have even moved heaven and earth to meet at a time when has been most convenient for me .

We will then have a meet which goes to plan and is great for both of us , there can even be real chemistry- To then leave me feeling as if there is a shift that comes after he gets whatever was that he wanted , it’s almost like I am locked down upon for giving it to him.

Then it’s as if all the time and effort he was happy to put in in order to get my attention has gone, and the respect has gone too, and it’s like from then on he sees me who is sat at home 24/7 waiting for him to come round and get his cock out at the drop of a hat with no effort made in between

Does anyone else experience this ? Or am I doing things wrong,

I am not looking for anything serious on this site so I do not believe this is coming from my expectations- all I am looking for is people I can feel safe enough with to meet semi regularly and a basic level of respect in between

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

If someone wants to have no respect for the fact that I’m a normal human being with a life and expect to be treated and spoken to as such, but I still want to meet them, then that’s on me. I am talking about people who pretend they are one way in order to get your trust and what they want , and then flip.

The ironic thing is when I have not been bothered and just wanted sex I have met ‘worse’ people than these mindfucks I’m talking about, and probably will do again, because if someone is just a dickhead full stop I can sometimes respect the fact that they’re being up front about it,

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

Sad as it is yes, there are plenty like that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I guess my message to narcissists is ; if you’re a dick, just be a dick, the chances are some people may respect you for being up front about who you are, and may be able to look past it as you have something on offer that they want more than they care about you being a dick . Don’t spend TIME and effort pretending not to be a dick as a means to an ends. If there’s something you want just put your cards on the table and ask

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I guess my message to narcissists is ; if you’re a dick, just be a dick, the chances are some people may respect you for being up front about who you are, and may be able to look past it as you have something on offer that they want more than they care about you being a dick . Don’t spend TIME and effort pretending not to be a dick as a means to an ends. If there’s something you want just put your cards on the table and ask "

Some of them genuinely enjoy the deception. They see it as power trip being able to "outsmart" and play the other person like a puppet.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Do you think they realise it ? Or do you think they’d be genuinely in denial to themselves of any wrong doing ? I’ve had it pushed round on me before when I’ve called someone out or they’ve cottoned on to me not being happy to continue. When that happens magically something they know I wouldn’t be comfortable with gets suggested or the goal posts get moved , and because I’m not willing I am labelled the time waster , or it’s as if it’s me who’s the narc

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Narcs anonymous memberships everywhere

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

I think anything based primarily online or not in person will see an increase in extremes because of an air of anonymity and a feeling of less risk/consequences for bad behaviour

Guys getting what they want and leaving is a tale as old as time sadly. Some are more willing then others on how many steps they are willing to take to get that and I’m not entirely sure how women manage to sort out who is who

That being said, I’ve certainly had a bunch of great dates, then lost all interest after sex for various reasons. That’s absolutely fine. What’s not fine is turning everything off after sex and expecting that person to still be a living sex doll, potentially even getting angry if they don’t fulfil their human sex doll roll

It’s tough out there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Definitely agree

Got fears my old mum is sneaking her peep

But worst of all the outpayers that leave people without, I've not met a genuine here and the last thing is the neighbors downstairs very much attracted to the narcissist nature that speaks

For me

It is the intelligence, language-tell &tone,

Setting or direction but, Over too often failure, With a driving input mind after

Did I mention the passing without care ??

Unspoken

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Do you think they realise it ? Or do you think they’d be genuinely in denial to themselves of any wrong doing ? I’ve had it pushed round on me before when I’ve called someone out or they’ve cottoned on to me not being happy to continue. When that happens magically something they know I wouldn’t be comfortable with gets suggested or the goal posts get moved , and because I’m not willing I am labelled the time waster , or it’s as if it’s me who’s the narc "

I think they're full of self importance. Sadly I do think much of it has to do with society and how easily replaceable things and people are.

Yes, some are that way due to having a different perspective on life and living with a narc for 11 years in did some serious damage, but I can absolutely see a crossover into "normal" society in lack of respect, lying to fulfil their agenda and twisted views on women and sex. (Not saying only men are twisted, far from it, but speaking as a woman and the messages I receive and way I've been treated/expectations placed on me etc)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think narcissist is a word being thrown around a HELLA LOT these days. Just saying

I don’t like the term because it’s usually not even the right word to describe certain people but anyway , moving on

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

There are many variations on this theme.

I mentioned in another thread recently about meeting someone once and their very first words to me were "Are you really nervous about meeting me?". That was before they even said hello and should have been an immediate red flag but in my naivety at the time I ignored it.

That was our one and only meeting and it was a social one. However over the next 18 months while I was offering moral support through difficult times she was constantly involved in fab drama and I got sucked in.

It was only when I realised that most of the drama was self perpetuating and rather than being the victim she was often the aggressor that I decided to end the "friendship".

The fact I didn't give her the validation she required meant that she was trying to drive a wedge between me and another fab friend with lies and scenarios of her own creation while at the same time pretending to be something else entirely.

She was using my forum presence and good name as well as others to project an image that was far removed from how she really was.

Publicly in the forums she was everyone's friend and couldn't resist every compliment from those she despised in private.

Life has been so much quieter since I stopped talking and she turned her attention elsewhere but it's very obvious that she has stepped on too many toes and isn't held in the high esteem she pretends to be.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Narcissistic people are everywhere, I can't say I've spotted more here than elsewhere. And I was with someone who showed many of the traits in the 19 years I was with him and since then. There is a considerable difference between narcissistic and someone with NPD.

"Aside from being tricky to live with, those who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) will follow familiar narcissist behaviour. Most notably, they’re identifiable by their;

Lack of empathy for others

Inflated sense of importance

The deep need for excessive attention and admiration

Perpetually troubled relationships"

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South

"There are many variations on this theme.

It was only when I realised that most of the drama was self perpetuating and rather than being the victim she was often the aggressor that I decided to end the "friendship".

She was using my forum presence and good name as well as others to project an image that was far removed from how she really was.

Publicly in the forums she was everyone's friend and couldn't resist every compliment from those she despised in private.

The nosey bitch side of me is wanting to know who this is! They sound awful.

I’m glad you’re out of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think narcissist is a word being thrown around a HELLA LOT these days. Just saying

I don’t like the term because it’s usually not even the right word to describe certain people but anyway , moving on

"
id agree with that id never heard of the word until recently

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most of the people so freely chucking the word narcissist around couldn’t bloody spell it without spell checker but happily point the finger still.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Most of the people so freely chucking the word narcissist around couldn’t bloody spell it without spell checker but happily point the finger still. "

Having nearly died at the hands of one, I think I'm allowed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Most of the people so freely chucking the word narcissist around couldn’t bloody spell it without spell checker but happily point the finger still. "

I think if you'd been subject to their whims and demands for over two decades, you might have more empathy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Most of the people so freely chucking the word narcissist around couldn’t bloody spell it without spell checker but happily point the finger still.

Having nearly died at the hands of one, I think I'm allowed. "

Course you are.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think narcissist is a word being thrown around a HELLA LOT these days. Just saying

I don’t like the term because it’s usually not even the right word to describe certain people but anyway , moving on

id agree with that id never heard of the word until recently "

It doesn't mean that they haven't existed for decades? It's not a new, trendy word.

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

Completely unrelated to fab, I knew someone a few years ago who spent every waking moment trawling FB and joining narcissist support groups.

At the same time she was stalking her former partner's every move and posting snide social media comments on everything he did despite the fact they had separated 2 years previously.

Every conversation eventually turned to how much of a narcissist he was and she knew this because he ticked so many boxes within the groups she had joined. All her friends told her she was obsessed but she persisted regardless. He was completely silent throughout and didn't respond to anything she posted publicly.

Her own brother told her she needed to step away from social media because she was much more of a narcissist than her partner had ever been so it is a word that some people tend to tag people with too easily.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it attracts a lot of weird people, a lot of people with a real chip on their shoulder and a lot of people who like to abuse or belittle others to make themselves feel better. I’m sure narcissistic behaviour can encompass all of this so probably

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As an example. My ex whom I separated from four years ago, turned up at my house the day Russia invaded Ukraine. He's never been invited into my house, we have a hostile relationship based on his behaviour. He asked to come in when our son was present and I didn't feel I could refuse.

He then spent 20 mins talking about how much the war would impact on his business. In detail. How he knew too much. How the Russians would target businesses like his. Suggested if World War Three broke out, I moved to Scotland with our kids. Said he might not be able to pay maintenance and he was "warning me". At no point did he show any concern for the country just invaded, nor ask about his other children whom he doesn't see, nor ask anything about my business and how it might also be impacted

It took me 23 years to see his narcissism this clearly and he did it for me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think narcissist is a word being thrown around a HELLA LOT these days. Just saying

I don’t like the term because it’s usually not even the right word to describe certain people but anyway , moving on

id agree with that id never heard of the word until recently

It doesn't mean that they haven't existed for decades? It's not a new, trendy word. "
im not saying they havent im only saying that you hear it everywhere these days is all maybe its the internet info age who knows it just seems to me its the default answer when folks fall out but christ im no expert

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

It's the nature of the beast.

They catch their prey, feed then bury the carcass until they are hungry again and go back to dig us up.

If something tastier comes along we're left to rot, until the tastier morsels run out, and we're dragged back up again.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"I think narcissist is a word being thrown around a HELLA LOT these days. Just saying

I don’t like the term because it’s usually not even the right word to describe certain people but anyway , moving on

id agree with that id never heard of the word until recently

It doesn't mean that they haven't existed for decades? It's not a new, trendy word. im not saying they havent im only saying that you hear it everywhere these days is all maybe its the internet info age who knows it just seems to me its the default answer when folks fall out but christ im no expert "

It's called education.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's the nature of the beast.

They catch their prey, feed then bury the carcass until they are hungry again and go back to dig us up.

If something tastier comes along we're left to rot, until the tastier morsels run out, and we're dragged back up again.

God

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Exacrly what is it sometimes. Losing interest is fine, I do the same myself, I’d just rather someone lose interest completely than try and ‘downgrade’ me to something else

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Interesting. I agree with some of the posts talking about it being a term thrown around a lot - one of whom has strangely blocked me for some reason even though I’ve never had any communication with them. Hmm anyway . I had a conversation with a friend recently - unrelated to here and I said I do think people throw the term around a lot, and I think people do use it just when they don’t ‘like’ someone’s behaviour or general attitude towards them . I don’t agree with people pointing the finger or naming names especially if they don’t really know or haven’t had actual dealings with the person they’re talking about. I e if you don’t know someone well enough to have been to one another’s homes you probably shouldn’t be labelling them a narcissist , as you probably don’t really know that . Ironically it’s quite a narcissistic thing to do - think you have the right to label someone something to others and affect their judgment of them . A few of the most narcy people I know call other people narcs lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think narcissist is a word being thrown around a HELLA LOT these days. Just saying

I don’t like the term because it’s usually not even the right word to describe certain people but anyway , moving on

id agree with that id never heard of the word until recently

It doesn't mean that they haven't existed for decades? It's not a new, trendy word. "

It’s not a new word but it is definitely been thrown around incorrectly. Everyone who end up hurting somebody , for a reason or another, seems to be a narc! Or called one…

When narcissistic behaviour is very specific

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Interesting. I agree with some of the posts talking about it being a term thrown around a lot - one of whom has strangely blocked me for some reason even though I’ve never had any communication with them. Hmm anyway . I had a conversation with a friend recently - unrelated to here and I said I do think people throw the term around a lot, and I think people do use it just when they don’t ‘like’ someone’s behaviour or general attitude towards them . I don’t agree with people pointing the finger or naming names especially if they don’t really know or haven’t had actual dealings with the person they’re talking about. I e if you don’t know someone well enough to have been to one another’s homes you probably shouldn’t be labelling them a narcissist , as you probably don’t really know that . Ironically it’s quite a narcissistic thing to do - think you have the right to label someone something to others and affect their judgment of them . A few of the most narcy people I know call other people narcs lol "

Absolutely this!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Automatically assuming people who are not you are using a term something incorrectly. Thinking you know you have the right to do or say something but others don’t because they mustn’t have the knowledge or experience or authority over something that you do is just intellectual superiority and downright weird and says more about you than the other person

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

"I think narcissist is a word being thrown around a HELLA LOT these days. Just saying

I don’t like the term because it’s usually not even the right word to describe certain people but anyway , moving on

id agree with that id never heard of the word until recently

It doesn't mean that they haven't existed for decades? It's not a new, trendy word.

It’s not a new word but it is definitely been thrown around incorrectly. Everyone who end up hurting somebody , for a reason or another, seems to be a narc! Or called one…

When narcissistic behaviour is very specific "

There’s a lot of words like this that are being used incorrectly.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I wouldn't say that it is narcissistic behaviour though.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely this! "

Totally this !

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

I'm sure there are some here!thankfully I've nit met any of them being married to one for 16 years was enough!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think anything based primarily online or not in person will see an increase in extremes because of an air of anonymity and a feeling of less risk/consequences for bad behaviour

It’s tough out there "

Careful ! You don’t want the ‘not all guys’ brigade coming after you x

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again "

OK, for the most part I'd consider them "players". Saying what they think you wanna hear to get in yer undies. Bigging themselves up and whatnot.

The narc, well. They'll study ya first. Watch n learn. See what makes you tick then use it to their advantage. Whether that's showing faux vulnerability in an effort to have you empathise with them and develop a connection that way or manipulating in other ways, the manipulation is paramount and its done with thought and precision.

That's my take on it anyway.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again

OK, for the most part I'd consider them "players". Saying what they think you wanna hear to get in yer undies. Bigging themselves up and whatnot.

That's my take on it anyway. "

I’ve not gone ‘all in’ about sharing my experiences as I didn’t want to look like the stereotype of someone wanting more than just fun and didn’t want to look foolish but it has basically been exactly what you have described in the second part of your post believe it or not . Time and time again

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

"What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again

OK, for the most part I'd consider them "players". Saying what they think you wanna hear to get in yer undies. Bigging themselves up and whatnot.

That's my take on it anyway. "

Weird, none of those things align with my understanding of a narcissist

I’d say they are more along the lines of a psychopath by being calculatingly manipulative

Am I was off? I think there’s probably some overlap between them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again

OK, for the most part I'd consider them "players". Saying what they think you wanna hear to get in yer undies. Bigging themselves up and whatnot.

That's my take on it anyway. "

Players also known as fuck boys

I think so too, narc behaviour is very subtle and very very cold on their behalf. Lots of gaslighting and from the word narcissistic, it means that they will do whatever it takes to put their absolute needs FIRST. Trumping on yours and not caring about it. It is the opposite of self love, narcissism is those who love themselves too much in a bad way

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some guys are narcissists.

Some girls are narcissists.

Such is life.

Nowt as queer as folk.

I’d say everybody has narcissistic tendencies/traits, it is what it is.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again

OK, for the most part I'd consider them "players". Saying what they think you wanna hear to get in yer undies. Bigging themselves up and whatnot.

That's my take on it anyway.

Weird, none of those things align with my understanding of a narcissist

I’d say they are more along the lines of a psychopath by being calculatingly manipulative

Am I was off? I think there’s probably some overlap between them "

Defo overlap and yes, calculatingly manipulative.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again

OK, for the most part I'd consider them "players". Saying what they think you wanna hear to get in yer undies. Bigging themselves up and whatnot.

That's my take on it anyway.

Players also known as fuck boys

Aye, like the opposite spectrum of imposter syndrome where people think they're not good enough.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again

OK, for the most part I'd consider them "players". Saying what they think you wanna hear to get in yer undies. Bigging themselves up and whatnot.

That's my take on it anyway.

Weird, none of those things align with my understanding of a narcissist

I’d say they are more along the lines of a psychopath by being calculatingly manipulative

Am I was off? I think there’s probably some overlap between them "

A narcissist usually has something specific that they want you for and see you as a supply of that thing - whatever it is , time money attention - in my case wank fodder , and they will work out how to manipulate you in order to get it. False promises , making you feel like you owe them something and like they have put themselves out for you , so you feel a sense of obligation, and attempt to lower your self esteem by whatever means work , emotional manipulation, or will just chance at catching you at a vulnerable moment , so that you feel you are doing the right thing by giving them that source of supply.

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

People like that are everywhere, and that can be any type of friendship/relationship.

I never really invest much time/emotion into people, I find that helps.

Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Any sign of a red flag, delete, block and move on.

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By *ormorantMan
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

Yes in huge proportions….

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yes in huge proportions…."

Do you think it’s literally because it’s online ?

Or do you think it’s because it’s sexually related environment

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By *ormorantMan
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

"Yes in huge proportions….

Do you think it’s literally because it’s online ?

Or do you think it’s because it’s sexually related environment "

I didn’t encounter the extremes in other locations that cannot be mentioned…

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

Ironically isn’t it a narcy thing to do to start a thread about narcy people????

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again

OK, for the most part I'd consider them "players". Saying what they think you wanna hear to get in yer undies. Bigging themselves up and whatnot.

That's my take on it anyway. "

They want control so you keep giving them what they want. And it's deliberate in my opinion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think anything based primarily online or not in person will see an increase in extremes because of an air of anonymity and a feeling of less risk/consequences for bad behaviour

It’s tough out there

Careful ! You don’t want the ‘not all guys’ brigade coming after you x "

The thing about being with a narcissistic person is that you do appreciate those who aren't. They stand out.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

Ironically isn’t it a narcy thing to do to start a thread about narcy people???? "

I don't believe asking if the general consensus think the scene attracts narcs is a narcissistic thing to do.

I think it's probably a sensible thing to do especially if you're someone who's possibly already carrying scars as it sure seems like those wounds are like blood to a shark.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again "

They are looking for relief and someone to help with relieving them. Narcissistic behaviour is much deeper than that, and is often about control.

We are being used as a commodity.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

I have met one from this site.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ironically isn’t it a narcy thing to do to start a thread about narcy people???? "

Potentially if it were to attract attention to some false victim hood but I’m genuinely curious as to whether it is normal and just me dealing with things incorrectly

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"People like that are everywhere, and that can be any type of friendship/relationship.

I never really invest much time/emotion into people, I find that helps.

Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Any sign of a red flag, delete, block and move on."

I try not to but I find myself being asked to bit by bit, and keep having reminders that my boundaries are not as strong as I think they are . Always some who slip through the net, and I find it’s the people that ask the most of me that end up having the least respect for my time energy, space and ‘non- negotiables’ in the end

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What would you say if it ? Just normal dick behaviour ? I think that’s partly why I asked if maybe I’m being naive not to expect such dealings over and over again

They are looking for relief and someone to help with relieving them. Narcissistic behaviour is much deeper than that, and is often about control.

We are being used as a commodity."

It was so clear to me with my ex that he still wanted to control me. Four years after he left and has married someone else. He's never acknowledge it of course.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Most of the people so freely chucking the word narcissist around couldn’t bloody spell it without spell checker but happily point the finger still.

I think if you'd been subject to their whims and demands for over two decades, you might have more empathy. "

Nah you’re ok.

I have plenty of empathy.

I’ve just found over the last few years that loads of people want to excuse their shitty behaviour by pretending to themselves that they are a “victim”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Most of the people so freely chucking the word narcissist around couldn’t bloody spell it without spell checker but happily point the finger still.

I think if you'd been subject to their whims and demands for over two decades, you might have more empathy.

Nah you’re ok.

I have plenty of empathy.

I’ve just found over the last few years that loads of people want to excuse their shitty behaviour by pretending to themselves that they are a “victim”"

Oh yes, the empathy is well in evidence.

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By *az080378Woman
over a year ago

Cromer

These kind of people are everywhere!!

Here,normal dating sites,the real world.

I don't get it,I really don't.

It's just one big game I think which is a shame because people get hurt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Most of the people so freely chucking the word narcissist around couldn’t bloody spell it without spell checker but happily point the finger still.

I think if you'd been subject to their whims and demands for over two decades, you might have more empathy.

Nah you’re ok.

I have plenty of empathy.

I’ve just found over the last few years that loads of people want to excuse their shitty behaviour by pretending to themselves that they are a “victim”

Oh yes, the empathy is well in evidence. "

As is the shitty behaviour

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Most of the people so freely chucking the word narcissist around couldn’t bloody spell it without spell checker but happily point the finger still.

I think if you'd been subject to their whims and demands for over two decades, you might have more empathy.

Nah you’re ok.

I have plenty of empathy.

I’ve just found over the last few years that loads of people want to excuse their shitty behaviour by pretending to themselves that they are a “victim”

Oh yes, the empathy is well in evidence.

As is the shitty behaviour"

What "shitty behaviour" am I exhibiting? I've been open about the impact my narcissistic ex had (and still has) on me. And sympathised with others who've experienced it. But you think I and others are pretending to be victims?

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"Most of the people so freely chucking the word narcissist around couldn’t bloody spell it without spell checker but happily point the finger still.

I think if you'd been subject to their whims and demands for over two decades, you might have more empathy.

Nah you’re ok.

I have plenty of empathy.

I’ve just found over the last few years that loads of people want to excuse their shitty behaviour by pretending to themselves that they are a “victim”"

I wasn't aware that illiterate people aren't targeted by narcissists.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

Ironically isn’t it a narcy thing to do to start a thread about narcy people???? "

I wouldn't say it is. I'm surprised you think that.

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

"People like that are everywhere, and that can be any type of friendship/relationship.

I never really invest much time/emotion into people, I find that helps.

Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Any sign of a red flag, delete, block and move on.

This is so true, and I've had it happen to me, despite knowing all the signs... I just don't put up with it for as long as I used to, and when I block, that's it. Cut off forever!

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By *inkyInkedBiWoman
over a year ago

Yes, and he did it to others too.

Would try and get back in touch with an excuse, and had magically forgotten how he treated me previously, or would make out as though I’d gotten it wrong.

No - don’t gaslight me, I know exactly what you did

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes it does. I met a recent ex on here and I realised through time that he was a self-serving narcissist who would do anything to get what he wanted. Well shot of him now x

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

I don't think they're narcissists, they're just selfish people. Their sexual gratification comes above the feelings of others. They just find ways to kid themselves that what they're doing is okay. In a way I think they're at least better than the people on dating sites who convince others they're also looking for love or who have romantic feelings for them when they don't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

they are the ones who bombard you with pics of themselves thinking you couldnt possibly get bored of them

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By *iss SJWoman
over a year ago

Hull

I think any social media type site attracts narcissistic people. An ex of mine was diagnosed as having the disorder amongst other things and he used numerous different types of site which he could carefully protect whichever personality type he wanted to use depending on what sort of person he needed at the time. I doubt he’d use this site because of how hard it can be for single men and he seemed to use Tinder for quick hook ups to get a bed for the night. I don’t know for sure though, he could be lurking on here somewhere …

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think narcissist is a word being thrown around a HELLA LOT these days. Just saying

I don’t like the term because it’s usually not even the right word to describe certain people but anyway , moving on

I agree. People have gotten a hold of psychology diagnoses and think they can accurately describe someone by just slapping a label on them with a very vague understanding of what those words actually mean.

I've seen people be called autistic, bi polar, narcissistic, passive aggressive etc etc. Most of the time those people are anything but those words. But everyone's an expert these days.

I'm in the early stages of getting a firm diagnosis for my ADHD. Can't tell you how many people think they either have it too, or it doesn't exist, or they think they know more about it.

They watch too much TV with these words being thrown about especially as mental health awareness is now growing. But you shouldn't really use them unless you know exactly what they mean. Not what the TV told you it means.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think narcissist is a word being thrown around a HELLA LOT these days. Just saying

I don’t like the term because it’s usually not even the right word to describe certain people but anyway , moving on

I've seen people be called autistic, bi polar, narcissistic, passive aggressive etc etc. Most of the time those people are anything but those words. But everyone's an expert these days.

I'm in the early stages of getting a firm diagnosis for my ADHD. Can't tell you how many people think they either have it too, or it doesn't exist, or they think they know more about it.

It’s not just the TV.

“My mate on Facebook says her ex is a narcissist and my boyfriend said I eat too many cakes so he must be one too.”

“I’m acting like a twat to everyone at work and around me today but it’s ok because my boyfriend is a sociopath. “

Social media inspired “victims”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think it's being narcissistic, it's a natural thing on here. Before you meet someone there is always going to be more effort before you meet compared to afterwards. Most people will focus their time on their 'next one' as let's face it they have already experienced you.

Being respectful is different, these people will show you respect before and after the meet regardless if you want to see each other again. The way someone treats you after sex is on them, we can only take people at face value and hope they don't change after the meet.

It happens to us all, people disappoint us when they turn out to be someone different. It's a lesson learnt unfortunately and we have to accept that. Part and parcel of meeting strangers on the internet, take everything with a pinch of salt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Most of the people so freely chucking the word narcissist around couldn’t bloody spell it without spell checker but happily point the finger still.

I think if you'd been subject to their whims and demands for over two decades, you might have more empathy.

Nah you’re ok.

I have plenty of empathy.

I’ve just found over the last few years that loads of people want to excuse their shitty behaviour by pretending to themselves that they are a “victim”

I wasn't aware that illiterate people aren't targeted by narcissists. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes you only truly see the person for who they truly are by chatting or meeting them in person. On the forums ? Maybe ..but on the forums people only give their point of view but it's up to yourself really .. sometimes the forums but their personality is their personality in real life , takes a while though but once you see it ..you see it for what it truly is.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think they're narcissists, they're just selfish people. Their sexual gratification comes above the feelings of others. They just find ways to kid themselves that what they're doing is okay. In a way I think they're at least better than the people on dating sites who convince others they're also looking for love or who have romantic feelings for them when they don't. "

Spot on Lacey, I think you hit the nail on the head there x

At the end of the day, a lot will make such efforts to meet somebody the first time, to then move onto somebody new to get that buzz again. (Because they are a) selfish b) it’s a sex site)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think narcissist is a word being thrown around a HELLA LOT these days. Just saying

I don’t like the term because it’s usually not even the right word to describe certain people but anyway , moving on

I've seen people be called autistic, bi polar, narcissistic, passive aggressive etc etc. Most of the time those people are anything but those words. But everyone's an expert these days.

I'm in the early stages of getting a firm diagnosis for my ADHD. Can't tell you how many people think they either have it too, or it doesn't exist, or they think they know more about it.

It’s not just the TV.

“My mate on Facebook says her ex is a narcissist and my boyfriend said I eat too many cakes so he must be one too.”

“I’m acting like a twat to everyone at work and around me today but it’s ok because my boyfriend is a sociopath. “

Social media inspired “victims”"

Would you care to acknowledge those who have genuinely encountered narcissists and have struggled as a result? No? Just say they're self-described victims and accuse them of shitty behaviour. Ok, then. Lovely.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"I don't think it's being narcissistic, it's a natural thing on here. Before you meet someone there is always going to be more effort before you meet compared to afterwards. Most people will focus their time on their 'next one' as let's face it they have already experienced you.

This

. That word is thrown around all the time. It is a thing but a lot of the time it’s used incorrectly.

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

It's one thing to say that people should educate themselves in regards to any number of subjects but all the covid experts have now retrained as Ukrainian war correspondents.

Words change over time and take on new meaning but there are many fully qualified Googleists who apparently have all the answers.

A narcissist used to be someone who was more interested in preening in front of a mirror and more concerned about their appearance than anything else.

Then at some stage the word was adopted like words often are and took on a whole different meaning.

Of course people have been victims of narcissists just as they have been victims of many types of abusers and of course their experiences should not be belittled.

One of the biggest problems though is that because of the influence of social media it's much easier for people to find labels either for themselves or others.

Often those who have been victims get lost in the mix because of the huge numbers jumping on whatever bandwagon is rolling through town this week.

Asking people to show respect to genuine victims is an impossible task because as I already outlined in two previous posts, the lines are blurred between genuine victims and those who play the victim card to suit their particular agenda.

Shouting down those who can't tell the difference just adds to the confusion and doesn't help anyone understand.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Spot on Lacey, I think you hit the nail on the head there x

At the end of the day, a lot will make such efforts to meet somebody the first time, to then move onto somebody new to get that buzz again. (Because they are a) selfish b) it’s a sex site)

I personally don't actually think there's anything wrong with moving on to the next person after meeting on here if people are open about that. Lots of people aren't though and tell people what they want to hear to get what they want. Whether that be that they want repeat meets or fwb on here or a relationship when it's a dating site. I totally get that people can change their minds but often they have absolutely no intention of doing what they say and even when people do change their minds, the decent thing to do is be honest about it instead of stringing people along or keeping them on the back burner as a last resort. It's shitty behaviour but it's certainly not limited to here. It's not even limited to sex. People lie to get what they want in all sorts of situations.

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By *reeneyedminxWoman
over a year ago

near you

Respect is important absolutely! But also this is a swingers site, the goal is to have sex. But then If they want it to be a one off then they need to say that, or if they are looking for a regular friend. Each person has their own preferences.

Also yes the term narcissist is being used more than it once was but this is also cause people are being more open about mental health and trauma and recognising what some people do is wrong and is similar to a narcissist.

But at the end of the day it’s a swingers site, not a dating site for someone long term.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So to summarise….

People lie on sex sites to get sex.

Who

Fucking

Knew

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By *erandSir2020Couple
over a year ago

Telford

I tried to be really open in our profile. We do not want fwb, fuck buddies, relationships. Just sex. If we have a great experience, yes we may well play with those people again but it certainly wouldn't be make or break. I know our bluntness in our profile deters alot but it helps out all this. So far anyway. Not here for drama, just fun.

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By *agicM53XMan
over a year ago

Orpington

I wouldn't say it attracts narcissists, what I would say is that the environment of the site can easily lead to entitlement. If you are someone who just has so many options that you can choose from, you start to care less about what your potential partner wants, you aren’t willing to make the smallest effort, it's all about what you want, and if someone doesn't like it they can f%^$ off... because you know there is someone else for you just a click away.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I was married to a narcissist for 30 years.

I didn't know he was showing narcissistic behaviour until I read what it is on an article a few years ago.

Every paragraph I read I was thinking that's what he did.

Call it what you want, it's a horrible character flaw to have and I'm a different person from being with him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just avoid or block people that you dont feel comfortable with. Problem solved.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"Just avoid or block people that you dont feel comfortable with. Problem solved.

How do you avoid someone who is going to treat you badly in the future?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

True, I agree, it's knowing the red flags. They aren't kind people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's one thing to say that people should educate themselves in regards to any number of subjects but all the covid experts have now retrained as Ukrainian war correspondents.

Words change over time and take on new meaning but there are many fully qualified Googleists who apparently have all the answers.

A narcissist used to be someone who was more interested in preening in front of a mirror and more concerned about their appearance than anything else.

Then at some stage the word was adopted like words often are and took on a whole different meaning.

Of course people have been victims of narcissists just as they have been victims of many types of abusers and of course their experiences should not be belittled.

One of the biggest problems though is that because of the influence of social media it's much easier for people to find labels either for themselves or others.

Often those who have been victims get lost in the mix because of the huge numbers jumping on whatever bandwagon is rolling through town this week.

Shouting down those who can't tell the difference just adds to the confusion and doesn't help anyone understand."

Who has shouted down those who can't tell the difference? I just asked for some respect for the stories I and others have shared. I recognise that some don't know the meaning of the word, and some use it wrongly.

I think I've shown here over many months that I write in a considered and thoughtful way. I am not a bad actor. I'm disappointed in the number of people who just jump on the "oh they just want a victim card" about everything. I don't and have never called myself a victim because I'm not.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was married to a narcissist for 30 years.

I didn't know he was showing narcissistic behaviour until I read what it is on an article a few years ago.

Every paragraph I read I was thinking that's what he did.

Call it what you want, it's a horrible character flaw to have and I'm a different person from being with him. "

I didn't realise either until I left. Years of thinking you're in the wrong, that you're not enough. It's so destructive.