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Poly Jealousy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Hello my angels (and demons)! A question mostly for the poly people- do you get jealous of things that other partners get up to? How do you manage this? Share anything that has worked particularly well!

Happy hump day.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hello my angels (and demons)! A question mostly for the poly people- do you get jealous of things that other partners get up to? How do you manage this? Share anything that has worked particularly well!

Happy hump day. "

Nope. They're with you for a reason and with other people for a reason too.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Hello my angels (and demons)! A question mostly for the poly people- do you get jealous of things that other partners get up to? How do you manage this? Share anything that has worked particularly well!

Happy hump day.

Nope. They're with you for a reason and with other people for a reason too."

It’s easy to lose sight of that stuff sometimes but reminding yourself of this can be good for managing feelings that may come up.

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By *aliceWoman
over a year ago

Birmingham

Compersion isn't always easy or come naturally but it's essential for poly to work and a rather beautiful mechanism for combating any instinctive jealousy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Compersion isn't always easy or come naturally but it's essential for poly to work and a rather beautiful mechanism for combating any instinctive jealousy."

I’d not read about this before but it’s really fascinating. Thank you.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.

Hey Steveandpickle!

I think jealousy is a natural feeling for some people. I think compersion isn't an essential nor a prerequisite to being in a poly dynamic - you don't have to feel compersion, you can feel neutral and have a successful poly relationship. We seem to place a lot more emphasis on being this perfect being because it feels like if you fail at a poly ideal, you're rubbish at being poly and shouldn't be. Not true.

So, I've been jealous before. My ex had a week off work, didn't really talk to me but a few texts here and there and then had a social with a couple without telling me beforehand. At first I thought, gosh, I'm such a bitch. Why should I be jealous? So I distracted myself. Kept my feelings to myself. Blamed myself. But then I examined what it was that triggered it. Looked at how I responded to those feelings. Tried to speak with honesty about it. In my recent dynamic it works because we talk. Respect each other.

So maybe, cut yourself some slack. Do things that bring you joy. Bit of navel gazing as to the cause and how you respond, check that.

Be kind to yourself.

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By *aliceWoman
over a year ago

Birmingham

That's a fair correction _eli. I really meant in the context of a balance to any jealousy its a good strategy. You're correct that poly is a very individual dynamic when it comes to what makes it work or not and compersion isn't a ubiquitous thing.

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By *atricia ParnelWoman
over a year ago

In a town full of colours

Examine your feelings, is it jealousy of them having relations with another or simple envy that the person is not spending time with you instead of another, I'd recommend journalling your thoughts and emotions and talk about them together. Clear communication is essential to any relationship and being able to be in love more than one person at a time comes with it's own potential complications

Remember. Embracing poly is you making it how you want to make it be, set your own rules and boundaries and there is no one way. Just Your Way x

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.


"That's a fair correction _eli. I really meant in the context of a balance to any jealousy its a good strategy. You're correct that poly is a very individual dynamic when it comes to what makes it work or not and compersion isn't a ubiquitous thing."

I like the idea of it being a good strategy to balance jealousy, apologies for sounding a bit short!

I think because in my last relationship I felt like I was failing a lot if I wasn't happy all the time/didn't put up with shitty behaviour - that determination to show poly as being this Very Good Thing wasn't healthy. Anyway, apologies again Malice!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Hey Steveandpickle!

I think jealousy is a natural feeling for some people. I think compersion isn't an essential nor a prerequisite to being in a poly dynamic - you don't have to feel compersion, you can feel neutral and have a successful poly relationship. We seem to place a lot more emphasis on being this perfect being because it feels like if you fail at a poly ideal, you're rubbish at being poly and shouldn't be. Not true.

So, I've been jealous before. My ex had a week off work, didn't really talk to me but a few texts here and there and then had a social with a couple without telling me beforehand. At first I thought, gosh, I'm such a bitch. Why should I be jealous? So I distracted myself. Kept my feelings to myself. Blamed myself. But then I examined what it was that triggered it. Looked at how I responded to those feelings. Tried to speak with honesty about it. In my recent dynamic it works because we talk. Respect each other.

So maybe, cut yourself some slack. Do things that bring you joy. Bit of navel gazing as to the cause and how you respond, check that.

Be kind to yourself."

Thank you Meli

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Examine your feelings, is it jealousy of them having relations with another or simple envy that the person is not spending time with you instead of another, I'd recommend journalling your thoughts and emotions and talk about them together. Clear communication is essential to any relationship and being able to be in love more than one person at a time comes with it's own potential complications

Remember. Embracing poly is you making it how you want to make it be, set your own rules and boundaries and there is no one way. Just Your Way x

"

Thank you. I appreciate this

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

This is entirely personal to me and I'm not saying this is the best or only way but it is what I have found works for me. Personally I have found my best response to jealousy is to just sit on it for a while. Jealousy doesn't require immediate response or even an attempt to soothe it. I often find that given a bit of time to mull it over, it goes away on its own. Maybe I was adjusting to a new situation, maybe my confidence in myself was having a wobble, maybe something triggered something from past experiencesetc. I have had many occasions where given a bit of time, I figure it out on my own and that particular thing no longer triggers jealousy in the future.

However, if something continues to trigger feelings of jealousy then it requires a bit more attention and I need to examine where those feelings are coming from. Do I have needs that aren't being met, is something playing on an insecurity that is a recurrent sore spot for me, is there something that can be done that will help this situation? This is where I will talk to the partner(s) it relates to. Occasionally I may just need a bit of reassurance but sometimes we have had to change something. It is important that the change is related to me and us though. It's unfair to try to control what they do with other partners in my opinion. For example, if I felt jealous that a long term partner went out to nice restaurants with a new partner and we didn't do that much anymore. It's reasonable for me to ask if we make effort to have a date night and go to a nice restaurant, it's not reasonable for me to ask him to stop going to restaurants with other partners.

A real life example for us was due to a miscommunication and wrong assumptions. One of my partners thought I would only want to know about other romantic partners when they started to become serious and to an extent there's an element of truth to that as I don't need to know about every date or casual fling. However, as "becoming more serious" is quite a subjective thing, we had a few occasions where I felt a bit blindsided when I was told about romantic connections. We found it was easier for both of us for him to tell me more than I needed to know rather than risk misjudging and telling me later than I would like to know.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"This is entirely personal to me and I'm not saying this is the best or only way but it is what I have found works for me. Personally I have found my best response to jealousy is to just sit on it for a while. Jealousy doesn't require immediate response or even an attempt to soothe it. I often find that given a bit of time to mull it over, it goes away on its own. Maybe I was adjusting to a new situation, maybe my confidence in myself was having a wobble, maybe something triggered something from past experiencesetc. I have had many occasions where given a bit of time, I figure it out on my own and that particular thing no longer triggers jealousy in the future.

However, if something continues to trigger feelings of jealousy then it requires a bit more attention and I need to examine where those feelings are coming from. Do I have needs that aren't being met, is something playing on an insecurity that is a recurrent sore spot for me, is there something that can be done that will help this situation? This is where I will talk to the partner(s) it relates to. Occasionally I may just need a bit of reassurance but sometimes we have had to change something. It is important that the change is related to me and us though. It's unfair to try to control what they do with other partners in my opinion. For example, if I felt jealous that a long term partner went out to nice restaurants with a new partner and we didn't do that much anymore. It's reasonable for me to ask if we make effort to have a date night and go to a nice restaurant, it's not reasonable for me to ask him to stop going to restaurants with other partners.

A real life example for us was due to a miscommunication and wrong assumptions. One of my partners thought I would only want to know about other romantic partners when they started to become serious and to an extent there's an element of truth to that as I don't need to know about every date or casual fling. However, as "becoming more serious" is quite a subjective thing, we had a few occasions where I felt a bit blindsided when I was told about romantic connections. We found it was easier for both of us for him to tell me more than I needed to know rather than risk misjudging and telling me later than I would like to know. "

Lacey I’m so sorry I missed this fabulous post. Thank you for it. I think there’s lots that I’m going to take from this- especially not necessarily acting out on my feelings but sitting with them. Being poly I feel communication is so important but I don’t know sometimes whether I am over communicating and being intense or not. Oh it’s just a minefield at times but it’s good to hear how others deal with this stuff.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"This is entirely personal to me and I'm not saying this is the best or only way but it is what I have found works for me. Personally I have found my best response to jealousy is to just sit on it for a while. Jealousy doesn't require immediate response or even an attempt to soothe it. I often find that given a bit of time to mull it over, it goes away on its own. Maybe I was adjusting to a new situation, maybe my confidence in myself was having a wobble, maybe something triggered something from past experiencesetc. I have had many occasions where given a bit of time, I figure it out on my own and that particular thing no longer triggers jealousy in the future.

However, if something continues to trigger feelings of jealousy then it requires a bit more attention and I need to examine where those feelings are coming from. Do I have needs that aren't being met, is something playing on an insecurity that is a recurrent sore spot for me, is there something that can be done that will help this situation? This is where I will talk to the partner(s) it relates to. Occasionally I may just need a bit of reassurance but sometimes we have had to change something. It is important that the change is related to me and us though. It's unfair to try to control what they do with other partners in my opinion. For example, if I felt jealous that a long term partner went out to nice restaurants with a new partner and we didn't do that much anymore. It's reasonable for me to ask if we make effort to have a date night and go to a nice restaurant, it's not reasonable for me to ask him to stop going to restaurants with other partners.

A real life example for us was due to a miscommunication and wrong assumptions. One of my partners thought I would only want to know about other romantic partners when they started to become serious and to an extent there's an element of truth to that as I don't need to know about every date or casual fling. However, as "becoming more serious" is quite a subjective thing, we had a few occasions where I felt a bit blindsided when I was told about romantic connections. We found it was easier for both of us for him to tell me more than I needed to know rather than risk misjudging and telling me later than I would like to know.

Lacey I’m so sorry I missed this fabulous post. Thank you for it. I think there’s lots that I’m going to take from this- especially not necessarily acting out on my feelings but sitting with them. Being poly I feel communication is so important but I don’t know sometimes whether I am over communicating and being intense or not. Oh it’s just a minefield at times but it’s good to hear how others deal with this stuff. "

I don't think it's possible to over communicate. Just perhaps to communicate at the wrong time. Sometimes we need time to process feelings, examine them and understand them before we can have a productive conversation about them. However, it's totally valid to say to a partner "I'm currently feeling this but I'm still examining why I think that is. I'm just keeping you in the loop and I'll come back to you to discuss it when I've done some some more thinking.

It's just that for me personally, trying to talk about something too soon hasn't worked very well for me. I'm fairly good at unpicking my thoughts myself given time though and much better at discussing things when the emotions have died down. One of my partners is similar in that he needs some time to process the emotions first but talking things over with me is what helps him to process his thoughts. Different things work for different people .

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