FabSwingers.com forum: A weird place to ask this....

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Would you stay with someone you didn't love for the sake of the kids and keeping the family together?

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By *uke OzadeMan
over a year ago

Ho Chi Minge City

No it’s not worth it. Life’s too short for that

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By *eadinthecloudsMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"No it’s not worth it. Life’s too short for that "

Agreed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No it's not worth it and not fair on the kids at all because they'll pick up on it.

I had several months after myself and my ex split where she stayed in the spare room until she moved out as it was easier for childcare with our son and those months were painful. Now imagine having to lie and say everythings OK.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No as it’s unhealthy for the kids

People may not think they pick up on it

But trust me they do and it creates a toxic environment for them

Best thing is walk away

But still be there for the kids

There can be amicable splits whare one or the other dose not use them as weapons

But they get along

Alowing for one to see them when ever they like

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By *aturefun63Man
over a year ago

Belper

Depends how old the kids and what type of relationship you have with father,but if toxic best to leave for everyone’s benefit

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

We ended it, he moved out but then decided we should get back together...I dont want to but get told by many to think of the children

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By *D of funCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

No.. it's not fair on anyone

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By *urplechesterCouple
over a year ago

chester

I personally wouldn’t ever consider it, but that comes from my own experience as a child living in that situation!

Miss pc

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

"We ended it, he moved out but then decided we should get back together...I dont want to but get told by many to think of the children

Tell those people politely but bluntly fuck off. Being in a family that is not fully committed is worse than separated parents.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tough one. I had a conversation with someone recently that said ‘I don’t know any child that was better off for their parents splitting up’. Every child is different. But I think that for your sake you shouldn’t stay and I think there are ways you can get the split and transition to co parenting right for the kids- Open, honest communication.

So I wouldn’t stay, no. But respect anyone’s decision to stay.

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By *hisisntpofMan
over a year ago

bristol

If its an unhappy house ,you got unhappy kids ,a hard decision to make,kids just see mummy and daddy,its all about the whole scenario,every relationship is different ,its down to the individuals to access there best move

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Would you stay with someone you didn't love for the sake of the kids and keeping the family together?"

No. Took me long enough to brave it and end things. He'd already done the damage. Rough and tough going it alone with kids financially but the kids eventually saw things for what they were in adult eyes now that they've grown up and say I'm much better off without him.

Kids will have a fair idea things aren't "right" between their parents and the result of parents staying together just for the kids, may even affect their future relationships.

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

Nope because this isn't happiness your actions would be for all the wrong reasons

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I can't say yes or no without knowing the relationship.

If I thought that my partner and I could provide a loving and stable home for the children I'd consider it.

Families come in all sorts of different variations.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

But I wouldn't do it if it made me really unhappy

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By *iman2100Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

My thoughts differ from others above. I believe you can have a fully functioning relationship without getting love involved; like you do in work.

When you two made the joint decision to have children it was a real, most of your life, commitment. If you can act civily towards one another and agree to have your separate interests then stay for the children.

However, never underestimate how perceptive children are about their parents relationship. If you fuss and fight you are better apart.

You may only have one life but a major part of that is bringing up your children and they should be top of the list, above self gratification.

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By *izzy.miss.lizzyCouple
over a year ago

Pembrokeshire

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By *nly1meMan
over a year ago

here there n everywhere

I can't say yes or no without knowing the relationship.

If I thought that my partner and I could provide a loving and stable home for the children I'd consider it.

Families come in all sorts of different variations

Well said and very true cant comment on realationships nobodys knows... good luck x

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By *eggie La RueMan
over a year ago

Bath

Took me a long time to separate from my ex because i was so worried about how the kids would take it. Within a few weeks my daughter said to me she was so much happier because there were now 2 calm households instead of one angry one. Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for, and in some circumstances it can be worth asking their opinion before making a decision.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Took me a long time to separate from my ex because i was so worried about how the kids would take it. Within a few weeks my daughter said to me she was so much happier because there were now 2 calm households instead of one angry one. Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for, and in some circumstances it can be worth asking their opinion before making a decision. "

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By *heHornyChefMan
over a year ago

derby

What would you prefer? Your kids to see their parents separated but happy, respecting each other, no arguing or tension, co parenting amicably and responsibly, showing them maturity and honesty or a situation that could show bad vibes, bickering, tense atmosphere and awkward silences etc just for the sake of 'being a family' in the eyes and minds of other people who, in retrospect, have no influence or knowledge of the situation what so ever. Me and my ex drifted apart, tried to live together just to "keep it together for our 2 boys." We now live apart and our relationship as parents and friends is stronger than ever and you can see that in our boys as they see happiness and respect from both of us.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been there myself. I stayed a good few years longer because of my kids too

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

"My thoughts differ from others above. I believe you can have a fully functioning relationship without getting love involved; like you do in work.

However, never underestimate how perceptive children are about their parents relationship. If you fuss and fight you are better apart.

You may only have one life but a major part of that is bringing up your children and they should be top of the list, above self gratification.

I think this and also nicecouples comments.

Very dependant on the totally individual circumstances and situation

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

It depends. Is there a friendship there still? Can you be respectful of each other?

Having grown up with parents in a deeply dysfunctional and unhappy relationship I can tell you it fucks kids up a lot - the behaviour you are modelling becomes their perceived normal. Even if you think you're successfully hiding it from the kids I will guarantee you aren't.

If you can rub along happily enough and live together as a sexless but happy married couple it's a very different kettle of fish.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Would you stay with someone you didn't love for the sake of the kids and keeping the family together?"

My parents stayed together too long. It was awful growing up in. I was going to say a war zone, but that might not be the right thing to say. It isn't healthy for kids. It won't do them good. It probably won't be good for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not if you’re arguing or being spiteful to each other. Even if you’re just being distant and cool with each other what is this teaching the children about how to act with their future partners?

It’s a bad thing in my opinion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

would i fuck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im in the same boat, i love my wife bit shes completely hates my loving for a long time hence im in here , we have 4 kids, 2 eldest pushed me out as now i live in a van. Heart broken to what ive become but struggling to let go need someone else to help me to leave and go. Have land i can take up in Scotland on a farm to start again. Any takers?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No not at all. Kids will get the wrong signals to how a relationship works. You have one life live it, its too short to waste

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I did this for a few years, thinking I was best for my daughter. But, as others have said, an unhappy home isn't good for anyone. Moved out, saw her every other weekend and had a happy girl.

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By *uck-RogersMan
over a year ago

Oakhill

Can your children loose respect for you. As in my case. My children all of school age ask me. ''Where is mum to''. Out with her boyfriend I reply.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’d leave because of the kids.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I stayed in a loveless pretty much sexless relationship for 10 years for my bairns and I can honestly say it was the worst thing I could ever have done. It's only now that we're apart that I can say that though, as I firmly believed it was the right thing for them at the time. I wanted them to have good memories of Christmas and holidays etc which they got, but at great expense to my sanity, and I now realise they would have had slightly different memories, but we'd all have been happier in the long run had we split a good 8 years before we did.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I did it for ages thinking it was the right thing, but it got to the point where I was sinking.

I’m so much happier now, and as a consequence so are they.

I didn’t want to model unhealthy relationships to them, they pick up on so much more than we realise.

They also get far more quality time with him than they ever did.

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By *he sultan of swingMan
over a year ago

mid devon

"Would you stay with someone you didn't love for the sake of the kids and keeping the family together?"

Yes this is exactly my situation I don't want to be a weekend dad or to have another man potentially playing dad to them!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I did it for five years. Didn't turn out well. Breeds resentment and pretty much what Hippy said

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By *riar BelisseWoman
over a year ago

On Holibobs

Yes. We did it for 2 years and provided a loving stable home for small people, this made eventually moving out far easier on them as it wasn't a toxic home to start as mummy and daddy didn't share rooms already. Luckily we have a good friendship still and support each other regarding the kids

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Would you stay with someone you didn't love for the sake of the kids and keeping the family together?"

No definitely not, my mother did that and it wasn't a good childhood, kids pick up on stuff, I don't belive in staying with someone for the kids sake, in my opinion after living through it, it's better to have 2 happy parents separate than 2 together and unhappy.

Mrs

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By *he sultan of swingMan
over a year ago

mid devon

Other factors like the morgage and finances worry me aswell

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Would you stay with someone you didn't love for the sake of the kids and keeping the family together?

Yes this is exactly my situation I don't want to be a weekend dad or to have another man potentially playing dad to them! "

You are their dad, that will never change. I know the thought of them calling another man dad is unthinkable, but they won't unless your partner is nuts. You also don't have to be a weekend dad. Yes thats when the quality time with them happens, but you can take them for supper any night or whatever your circumstances allows. I work offshore so it's very easy for me to take them any night to stay or supper or activities in the summer nights. What I'm saying is, staying for them doesn't benefit them in the long run and certainly doesn't help you one bit!

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By *he sultan of swingMan
over a year ago

mid devon

[Removed by poster at 01/03/22 07:03:13]

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By *he sultan of swingMan
over a year ago

mid devon

"Would you stay with someone you didn't love for the sake of the kids and keeping the family together?

Yes this is exactly my situation I don't want to be a weekend dad or to have another man potentially playing dad to them!

Yes I know everyone tells me the same things! I worried how it would impact my wife! Aswell she's has personality disorder and boarder-line bi polar so it's a proper shit situation

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By *onkeynutWoman
over a year ago

somewhere

No, I wouldn’t.

My parents stayed together for me and my brother and I picked up on it. I saw and heard the arguments while they thought we were asleep. I saw the damage it caused between them, and I grew up with parents so unhappy and loveless that I thought it was normal.

My ex husband walked out, then a few months later wanted to come back. I tried to make it work for the sake of our children but quickly realised that I didn’t love him anymore and couldn’t spend my life acting like everything was fine. They are happier with us being apart but coparenting well than if we were together miserable.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"We ended it, he moved out but then decided we should get back together...I dont want to but get told by many to think of the children

Definitely think of kids and make sure you both do everything you can so they grow up loved, happy, healthy etc but that probably means you have to be separate. Kids will respect you for it, as long as you act like grown ups & do it right.

If you’re constantly fighting and creating tension and bad atmosphere, together or separate your kids will lose all respect for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Neither of us did. It's not healthy for anyone.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"Would you stay with someone you didn't love for the sake of the kids and keeping the family together?

Yes this is exactly my situation I don't want to be a weekend dad or to have another man potentially playing dad to them! "

Honestly - That’s very selfish and childish, you’re putting your feelings and pride before your kids.

And why do you have to be a weekend dad? You could have joint custody or if that’s not practical still be heavily involved in their lives, helping them with homework in the evenings, taking them out mid week etc. Weekend dad is very outdated, but it’s always a choice, often the weekend dad simply can’t be arsed and does the absolute minimum leaving everything to mum and the kids will feel that too , they will feel like a burden to mum and dad.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

I did for a few years, but my wife was so hostile to me all the time I couldn't go on. Luke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you stay for the kids and you're not happy then all the kids are going to know is unhappiness, no matter how well you hide it they will know something is wrong.

It's not good for you or them

I split with my ex and moved on so my kids have now seen both of their parents who are happy

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

If it’s really done, then it’s time to go even with children involved. I’ve been the child and the one that walked.

My father left a week after I finished full time education with the words, I haven’t wanted to be here for the last 13 years, now I can go and not have to pay a penny for you. That hurt, yes they had the odd disagreements but to find out your childhood had been a lie messed with my head.

As the one walking after 7 years of no intimacy and basically no communication at all, comments from my son that a child shouldn’t be making, I decided to walk. Yes it was hard but it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself & my lad, he doesn’t know why I left but he knows he’s in a happier home. I thought about staying for the family unit, why I stayed so long, but I remembered how I felt as a 17 year old and didn’t want him feeling like that.

Being together is not always the right decision if children are involved, they pick up on far more than you are aware of.

Good luck with it OP it’s not an easy decision to make, you need to decide what is best for the children in the long run.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We ended it, he moved out but then decided we should get back together...I dont want to but get told by many to think of the children

Are they children old enough to ask?

Personally, it effected my emotional well-being!

I definitely didn't benefit from my parents staying together.

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By *rReyMan
over a year ago

Fleet

For children, having loving parents is important, they don't need to be in the same house. But having parents in the same house who don't love each other can adversely affect the children.

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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster

"Would you stay with someone you didn't love for the sake of the kids and keeping the family together?"

Tried it.. didn't work.

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By *icearmsMan
over a year ago

KIDLINGTON

"We ended it, he moved out but then decided we should get back together...I dont want to but get told by many to think of the children

If you don't want to then that is the answer... if you don't love him then don't go back. It'll more likely go sour again and all that hurt and pain you've all been through now will resurface again. That's not good in the long run for the children.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As someone who has done exactly that, I'm definitely a no. You're just wasting your life. I probably stayed 13 years longer than I should have. Kids aren't stupid. They pick up on stuff and know when something isn't right. I'm sure that they'd be far happier if they knew their parents were, even if it meant that they weren't together.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No and my ex and I are currently going through a fairly painful divorce because we can’t stay together. It’s been brutal so far but neither of us are happy and our love for our beautiful children can’t sustain an unhappy marriage.

FWIW even though I’ve not found anyone else yet I see enough cause for hope in new beginnings to know I can and will be happier and I’m sure the same goes for my ex and I out and your partner.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

"We ended it, he moved out but then decided we should get back together...I dont want to but get told by many to think of the children

So the basis of the relationship will be that you have been manipulated, coerced or guilt-tripped into continuing with it.

That can’t be healthy for anyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I will be honest here. Children do need both parents to have a good childhood. It has been proven time and again that children growing with single parent struggle a lot in schools.

On the other hand, living with parents who don't like each other is worse than living with a single parent because that would screw up their understanding of what love is. So it's better to separate if there is no love left between you two. But do ensure the kids spend sufficient time with the father too.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

"I will be honest here. Children do need both parents to have a good childhood. It has been proven time and again that children growing with single parent struggle a lot in schools.

They can have that but in separate houses.

Some children unfortunately don’t get that choice of both parents being around, doesn’t mean those kids will struggle, so many other factors come into play. A void of a missing parent can be filled with good role models (not a new dad / mum) in their life, who they trust and can help guide them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you to all who put forward an opinion on this and to those who also messaged. It is good to see a proper cross section of people and see others who have gone through it.

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

[Removed by poster at 01/03/22 10:03:45]

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

I know people that tried to do this but the atmosphere just became too toxic. It was actually better for the children one parent left the family home. They did come to an arrangement though to both see the children.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

Would you advise your own children to stay in a relationship where they weren't happy?

If the answer is no, don't teach them to exactly that by doing it yourself.

That's what my parents did.

Have found myself in unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship.

When my relationship with my sons dad stated going south I was determined not to do what my parents did and fled, in truth I could have tried to sort things but all I could hear was my dad's voice when he told me he only stayed for me, the guilt I felt over it and how I wished I wad never born so my parents were never in that predicament, and also the tension and loveless environment I grew up in. I was determined not to out my son through that.

From there I was entered into a relationship with someone who seemed too good to be true. Of course he was and after 3 years of the 11 we were together I was physically and mentally abused.

Then my last one which ended when lockdown began. Nothing more than a big ole lie.

So yeah, I'm drawn to ideals which turn out to be utter bollocks because I've searched for the home life I never had, the family unit brimming with love, kindness and trust and security, however, my subconscious is drawn to the blurred lines and fakeness of what a family and relationship looks like.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

"Would you advise your own children to stay in a relationship where they weren't happy?

If the answer is no, don't teach them to exactly that by doing it yourself.

That's what my parents did.

Have found myself in unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship.

From there I was entered into a relationship with someone who seemed too good to be true. Of course he was and after 3 years of the 11 we were together I was physically and mentally abused.

Then my last one which ended when lockdown began. Nothing more than a big ole lie.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

No and I left.

My parents stayed together for the sake of the children. And boy did we know it. Our house wasn't filled with love, neither did I grow up seeing what a relationship should look like. When they finally did split up it was the best thing ever and I sorely wish they had done it sooner.

So when I was in the same situation and realised it wasn't a functional relationship. I left, it was hard yes. But I enjoy living happily and that my kids see me and a happy mami not a shaddow of myself.

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