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Wound up tighter than a......

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By *upitersmile OP   Couple
over a year ago

Manchester

Ok I know it's not Thursday and I'm not easily wound up but I really need to let off steam! 

I moved up north 8 years ago with my two girls to move in with other half, we'd already been together 18mths but with the eldest ready to start school the long distance thing wasn't viable any more and didn't want to uproot them once they had settled into school.

For 8 years I have taken the girls back to norfolk EVERY school holiday to spend with their dad and we even do alternate christmases (which I hate!). In all these years he has never come to visit them here, offered to pick them up half way, payed a penny in support or bought them anything other than Christmas/birthday gifts.

This half term we have family staying, a party, a wedding, my eldest birthday and they have a dancing show. So I have told him I won't be bringing them down. I feel I've always been more than reasonable regarding contact and he has flipped on me and has made me feel like that weak young girl I was when I was married to him, blaming me for everything that's gone wrong in his life. I never usually let him get to me but I am seriously pissed off right now!!!!!!!! 

  

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Take a deep breath, put the kettle on, u r not a weak girl, u have strength and have bent over backwards being reasonable to him, this half term is your time with your family, your children included, if it has got to him so much he can get his arse into gear and jump in his car and see the children on a different weekend I am sure, don't let him upset your lovely plans for half term week, he is just trying to manipulate - stay strong as I know u r, and pick yourself up - brush yourself down, I believe in u xxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

stay strong and tell him to get a grip...and i would be asking for maintenance (have i spelt that right..) too. Also costs towards your travel expenses or tell him to come pick the kids up himself when he wants to see them.

Stick to your guns! This is one half term out of lots he has had them.

Good luck with it. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok I know it's not Thursday and I'm not easily wound up but I really need to let off steam! 

I moved up north 8 years ago with my two girls to move in with other half, we'd already been together 18mths but with the eldest ready to start school the long distance thing wasn't viable any more and didn't want to uproot them once they had settled into school.

For 8 years I have taken the girls back to norfolk EVERY school holiday to spend with their dad and we even do alternate christmases (which I hate!). In all these years he has never come to visit them here, offered to pick them up half way, payed a penny in support or bought them anything other than Christmas/birthday gifts.

This half term we have family staying, a party, a wedding, my eldest birthday and they have a dancing show. So I have told him I won't be bringing them down. I feel I've always been more than reasonable regarding contact and he has flipped on me and has made me feel like that weak young girl I was when I was married to him, blaming me for everything that's gone wrong in his life. I never usually let him get to me but I am seriously pissed off right now!!!!!!!! 

   "

Take a deep breaahe and be thankful you are no longer with the wanker. The guy sounds like a control freak and does not like it that he can no longer control you.

Enjoy your half term plans x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well he's just a self centre'd prick who can't take responsibility for his own mistakes and mishaps.

Don't let him get you down, he'll just have to man up and deal with it.

Just concentrate on all the great events you've got to enjoy with your 2 girls and family

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Big breath in, hold it..... and slowly out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's easier, so much easier, for some people to point out perceived faults in others rather than address their own.

I think he is the one showing his childishness rather than you.

Continue to be the strong adult you have become since parting from him.

Tomorrow you will be able to smile at his schoolboy stropping and will have put together a reasonable well thought out mature answer for him.

Never act/talk in haste, look at his argument as proof of that!

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By *upitersmile OP   Couple
over a year ago

Manchester

I know, I know!! Argh I haven't felt like this for soooo long!!! As for child support I gave up on that a long time ago, he's been on the dole the last few years so I would barely get anything.

I've always bent over backwards so the kids can see him as I grew up with custody battles so didn't want them to go what I went though.

And you're dead right about the control thing!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't be pissed off by the rant.

In fact, if anything, it would validate the upheavels you put yourself, your kids and your new partner through to get where you are.

Just as a tangential question tho, what exactly are you pissed off at ?

Are you pissed off because he doesn't do his bit to the degree you think he should, are you pissed off because reacted like that or are you pissed off by the fact he once made you feel like that and still has the ability to do so ?

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By *upitersmile OP   Couple
over a year ago

Manchester


"I wouldn't be pissed off by the rant.

In fact, if anything, it would validate the upheavels you put yourself, your kids and your new partner through to get where you are.

Just as a tangential question tho, what exactly are you pissed off at ?

Are you pissed off because he doesn't do his bit to the degree you think he should, are you pissed off because reacted like that or are you pissed off by the fact he once made you feel like that and still has the ability to do so ?"

All if the above!!!

He's does nothing for them and never has. His mother is the one to pay for any trips out they have and even does his shopping so he can feed them! Can't wait for the day to come when they can see it for themselfs. He doesn't even call them between seeing them

Its a guilt trip... I took them away from him so in his eyes I should take them to him, because I'm not this time I'm keeping them from him apparently.

And lastly yes I'm annoyed at myself that he still has the ability to get to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I wouldn't be pissed off by the rant.

In fact, if anything, it would validate the upheavels you put yourself, your kids and your new partner through to get where you are.

Just as a tangential question tho, what exactly are you pissed off at ?

Are you pissed off because he doesn't do his bit to the degree you think he should, are you pissed off because reacted like that or are you pissed off by the fact he once made you feel like that and still has the ability to do so ?

All if the above!!!

He's does nothing for them and never has. His mother is the one to pay for any trips out they have and even does his shopping so he can feed them! Can't wait for the day to come when they can see it for themselfs. He doesn't even call them between seeing them

Its a guilt trip... I took them away from him so in his eyes I should take them to him, because I'm not this time I'm keeping them from him apparently.

And lastly yes I'm annoyed at myself that he still has the ability to get to me. "

The resounding questions are :

are you happier now than you were then ?

are your kids happy and settled ?

are they doing well in school ?

is your new man happy ?

do you feel you made the right decision in leaving him ?

do you feel the move up north has been justified ?

do you feel the move up north has worked and been to yours and the kids benefit ?

there's a few more, but if you can answer 'yes' (honestly) to all those then there is no reason to beat yourself up or get frustrated by the situation because you have evidently done the right thing for the majority

family break ups will alkways leave debris in their wake

life will always have its victims

it is how he processes the situation and deals with it that will see him happy or not

he is no longer your problem (as stark as that sounds) but you have to keep it civil for the kids

my sisters ex is just the same - still blaming her for ruining his life and that's 12 years ago

she has moved on, her daughter has moved on, he is still angry and stuck in 2000.

it was him that had the control issues - and still does, as i said, life will always have its victims

On a lighter note, I shall be round later to administer Oxygen !

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By *upitersmile OP   Couple
over a year ago

Manchester


"I wouldn't be pissed off by the rant.

In fact, if anything, it would validate the upheavels you put yourself, your kids and your new partner through to get where you are.

Just as a tangential question tho, what exactly are you pissed off at ?

Are you pissed off because he doesn't do his bit to the degree you think he should, are you pissed off because reacted like that or are you pissed off by the fact he once made you feel like that and still has the ability to do so ?

All if the above!!!

He's does nothing for them and never has. His mother is the one to pay for any trips out they have and even does his shopping so he can feed them! Can't wait for the day to come when they can see it for themselfs. He doesn't even call them between seeing them

Its a guilt trip... I took them away from him so in his eyes I should take them to him, because I'm not this time I'm keeping them from him apparently.

And lastly yes I'm annoyed at myself that he still has the ability to get to me.

The resounding questions are :

are you happier now than you were then ?

are your kids happy and settled ?

are they doing well in school ?

is your new man happy ?

do you feel you made the right decision in leaving him ?

do you feel the move up north has been justified ?

do you feel the move up north has worked and been to yours and the kids benefit ?

there's a few more, but if you can answer 'yes' (honestly) to all those then there is no reason to beat yourself up or get frustrated by the situation because you have evidently done the right thing for the majority

family break ups will alkways leave debris in their wake

life will always have its victims

it is how he processes the situation and deals with it that will see him happy or not

he is no longer your problem (as stark as that sounds) but you have to keep it civil for the kids

my sisters ex is just the same - still blaming her for ruining his life and that's 12 years ago

she has moved on, her daughter has moved on, he is still angry and stuck in 2000.

it was him that had the control issues - and still does, as i said, life will always have its victims

On a lighter note, I shall be round later to administer Oxygen !

"

I can honestly say we all have a fantastic life up here and are very happy and even without him coming into it I would never move back home

Oxygen, as long as that's just for starters!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I can honestly say we all have a fantastic life up here and are very happy and even without him coming into it I would never move back home

Oxygen, as long as that's just for starters! "

Well then, chill the fuck out

If you can't, I find some valium crumbled into a glass of vodka works just fine

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By *arnayguyMan
over a year ago

Durham Tees


"The resounding questions are :

are you happier now than you were then ?

are your kids happy and settled ?

are they doing well in school ?

is your new man happy ?

do you feel you made the right decision in leaving him ?

do you feel the move up north has been justified ?

do you feel the move up north has worked and been to yours and the kids benefit ?

there's a few more, but if you can answer 'yes' (honestly) to all those then there is no reason to beat yourself up or get frustrated by the situation because you have evidently done the right thing for the majority

family break ups will alkways leave debris in their wake

life will always have its victims

it is how he processes the situation and deals with it that will see him happy or not

he is no longer your problem (as stark as that sounds) but you have to keep it civil for the kids

my sisters ex is just the same - still blaming her for ruining his life and that's 12 years ago

she has moved on, her daughter has moved on, he is still angry and stuck in 2000.

it was him that had the control issues - and still does, as i said, life will always have its victims

On a lighter note, I shall be round later to administer Oxygen !

"

Nicely put

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By *upitersmile OP   Couple
over a year ago

Manchester


"I can honestly say we all have a fantastic life up here and are very happy and even without him coming into it I would never move back home

Oxygen, as long as that's just for starters!

Well then, chill the fuck out

If you can't, I find some valium crumbled into a glass of vodka works just fine "

Lol you just want to knock me out don't ya......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can't please all of the people all of the time. Maybe he was letting of steam too for other things going on in his life and you got the sharp end. That doesn't excuse him or what he has or hasn't done but take it as one of those things and leave it behind you and not let it bother you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Go and get a can of Bob Marley Mellow Mood, it works wonders when your stressed

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley

Have you ever thought he pushing your buttons because you let him. Be calm cool and collected with him. Say you meet him half way when the kids are going to stop with him. Let his parents know what you intend to do.

You have run around to appease him, only you can control what you need to do. Let the kids know what you intend to do and why. Most of all let them decide because at end of it all your kids are most important thing in all of this.

Remember smile and be happy, the kids always like happy people

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He sounds like my ex. Try not to bitch about him in front of the kids. Let them see for themselves. I smile sweetly and bitch/ rant/ swear in my head.

Try not to let him get to you, or at least don't show him that he is. He'll get bored.

As for the maintenance, I look at it this way- we may have less money without him but our quality of life is a million times better. We have calmness, smiles, hugs. No ranting/ shouting or childish behaviour to put up with. Worth a million times more than money.

Sending hugs! Xx

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By *upitersmile OP   Couple
over a year ago

Manchester


"Have you ever thought he pushing your buttons because you let him. Be calm cool and collected with him. Say you meet him half way when the kids are going to stop with him. Let his parents know what you intend to do.

You have run around to appease him, only you can control what you need to do. Let the kids know what you intend to do and why. Most of all let them decide because at end of it all your kids are most important thing in all of this.

Remember smile and be happy, the kids always like happy people "

I don't usually let him get to me and normally we actually get on okish. The reason I'm happy to do Tyne running around is not to appease him, it's selfish reasons really. I don't ever want the kids to turn round to me one day an say I kept them from him. And also all my family are in Norfolk so I get to see them too.

I think a lot of it is I moved in very quickly we we split and he knows how good we have it here, whereas he's still not moved on, I fact I'd says he's in a worse situation now than 10 years ago.

But I am calm now and won't rise to it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cool, way to go Lady

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley


"Have you ever thought he pushing your buttons because you let him. Be calm cool and collected with him. Say you meet him half way when the kids are going to stop with him. Let his parents know what you intend to do.

You have run around to appease him, only you can control what you need to do. Let the kids know what you intend to do and why. Most of all let them decide because at end of it all your kids are most important thing in all of this.

Remember smile and be happy, the kids always like happy people

I don't usually let him get to me and normally we actually get on okish. The reason I'm happy to do Tyne running around is not to appease him, it's selfish reasons really. I don't ever want the kids to turn round to me one day an say I kept them from him. And also all my family are in Norfolk so I get to see them too.

I think a lot of it is I moved in very quickly we we split and he knows how good we have it here, whereas he's still not moved on, I fact I'd says he's in a worse situation now than 10 years ago.

But I am calm now and won't rise to it "

I am a single dad and my daughter lives with me, the mother drifts in and out of her life as she pleases. She usually turns up when she needs something. It breaks my heart to know that my daughter will never receive the love that I got and still do from my mother.

You doing the right thing by letting your children form their opinions about their father. I have found out children are smarter and more savvy than what he think they are. I also found out that a kiss and a cuddle helps loads when a bit down or after a rant, kids are always at school when you really need them.

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By *upitersmile OP   Couple
over a year ago

Manchester


"He sounds like my ex. Try not to bitch about him in front of the kids. Let them see for themselves. I smile sweetly and bitch/ rant/ swear in my head.

Try not to let him get to you, or at least don't show him that he is. He'll get bored.

As for the maintenance, I look at it this way- we may have less money without him but our quality of life is a million times better. We have calmness, smiles, hugs. No ranting/ shouting or childish behaviour to put up with. Worth a million times more than money.

Sending hugs! Xx"

100% agree it's just not worth the heartache of arguing over money, although I'm not sure I'd say that if I was still a single mum? And I've never bad mouthed him infront of the girls, in fact I stick up for him for their benefit, even if it is though clenched teeth lol

My dad was always slaying my mum, but it's the one and only time that my mum bitched about him that sticks out!

The girls will soon realise for themselves what he's like. I was a proper daddy's girl and understand how important that relationship and those memories are. When I hit my early teens I started to realise what an arse he was and grassed him up to the CSA as my mum had the same views as we do lol

Its tough sometimes but all the love and hugs are worth it, and I know I'm doing what's best for them

Hugs back atcha xx

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By *upitersmile OP   Couple
over a year ago

Manchester


"Have you ever thought he pushing your buttons because you let him. Be calm cool and collected with him. Say you meet him half way when the kids are going to stop with him. Let his parents know what you intend to do.

You have run around to appease him, only you can control what you need to do. Let the kids know what you intend to do and why. Most of all let them decide because at end of it all your kids are most important thing in all of this.

Remember smile and be happy, the kids always like happy people

I don't usually let him get to me and normally we actually get on okish. The reason I'm happy to do Tyne running around is not to appease him, it's selfish reasons really. I don't ever want the kids to turn round to me one day an say I kept them from him. And also all my family are in Norfolk so I get to see them too.

I think a lot of it is I moved in very quickly we we split and he knows how good we have it here, whereas he's still not moved on, I fact I'd says he's in a worse situation now than 10 years ago.

But I am calm now and won't rise to it

I am a single dad and my daughter lives with me, the mother drifts in and out of her life as she pleases. She usually turns up when she needs something. It breaks my heart to know that my daughter will never receive the love that I got and still do from my mother.

You doing the right thing by letting your children form their opinions about their father. I have found out children are smarter and more savvy than what he think they are. I also found out that a kiss and a cuddle helps loads when a bit down or after a rant, kids are always at school when you really need them. "

It's heartbreaking when you know the absent parent could be so much more to the child. But there's nothing better than the knowledge that you're bringing them up strong and indepent without them xxx

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley


"Have you ever thought he pushing your buttons because you let him. Be calm cool and collected with him. Say you meet him half way when the kids are going to stop with him. Let his parents know what you intend to do.

You have run around to appease him, only you can control what you need to do. Let the kids know what you intend to do and why. Most of all let them decide because at end of it all yo ur kids are most important thing in all of this.

Remember smile and be happy, the kids always like happy people

I don't usually let him get to me and normally we actually get on okish. The reason I'm happy to do Tyne running around is not to appease him, it's selfish reasons really. I don't ever want the kids to turn round to me one day an say I kept them from him. And also all my family are in Norfolk so I get to see them too.

I think a lot of it is I moved in very quickly we we split and he knows how good we have it here, whereas he's still not moved on, I fact I'd says he's in a worse situation now than 10 years ago.

But I am calm now and won't rise to it

I am a single dad and my daughter lives with me, the mother drifts in and out of her life as she pleases. She usually turns up when she needs something. It breaks my heart to know that my daughter will never receive the love that I got and still do from my mother.

You doing the right thing by letting your children form their opinions about their father. I have found out children are smarter and more savvy than what he think they are. I also found out that a kiss and a cuddle helps loads when a bit down or after a rant, kids are always at school when you really need them.

It's heartbreaking when you know the absent parent could be so much more to the child. But there's nothing better than the knowledge that you're bringing them up strong and indepent without them xxx"

That is very true and it really the absent parent that is missing out if not now later in life.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He's a tosser. Tell him to fuck off. And that if he wants to see his children, he can visit them or collect them.

You have been more than reasonable by the sound of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"He's a tosser. Tell him to fuck off. And that if he wants to see his children, he can visit them or collect them.

"

Am I right in assuming that you won't be applying for any counselling jobs with Relate any time soon Kinky ?

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By *uyuksno1Man
over a year ago

poole

i think all hale you and go for it if letting off steam helps sometimes the frustration of ears of being the str8 one making all the right desisions and being nice for he sake of the kids is enough to make u scream been there know where your coming from like u i made the desicion to not do it any more best move i ever made kids soon got the gist of him and made their own minds up hang in there kiddo your not in the wrong xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"He's a tosser. Tell him to fuck off. And that if he wants to see his children, he can visit them or collect them.

Am I right in assuming that you won't be applying for any counselling jobs with Relate any time soon Kinky ? "

Probably not.

I have little patience with controlling bullies at the best of times and today I am particularly lacking.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"He's a tosser. Tell him to fuck off. And that if he wants to see his children, he can visit them or collect them.

Am I right in assuming that you won't be applying for any counselling jobs with Relate any time soon Kinky ?

Probably not.

I have little patience with controlling bullies at the best of times and today I am particularly lacking."

Please could you have a 'word' with my ex? You might be able to help him understand what a stupid tosser he is. Relate didn't help at all. Too nice.

Actually, please have a word with me too. I still do my ex's washing and sometimes his shopping.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"He's a tosser. Tell him to fuck off. And that if he wants to see his children, he can visit them or collect them.

Am I right in assuming that you won't be applying for any counselling jobs with Relate any time soon Kinky ?

Probably not.

I have little patience with controlling bullies at the best of times and today I am particularly lacking.

Please could you have a 'word' with my ex? You might be able to help him understand what a stupid tosser he is. Relate didn't help at all. Too nice.

Actually, please have a word with me too. I still do my ex's washing and sometimes his shopping. "

My ex, fortunately, is a lovely guy and we help each other out a fair bit.

The phrase you need for your ex, however, if he's not doing anything in return is "fuck off and do your own washing/shopping/ironing/whatever". Feel free to add "I am not your mother" if you feel it's appropriate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Times like this im glad its just me and my daughter. I can do what i want and go where i want without answering to anyone

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By *upitersmile OP   Couple
over a year ago

Manchester


"He's a tosser. Tell him to fuck off. And that if he wants to see his children, he can visit them or collect them.

You have been more than reasonable by the sound of it."

Believe me, I'd love to tell him that! But I am miss calm, cool and collected again now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"He's a tosser. Tell him to fuck off. And that if he wants to see his children, he can visit them or collect them.

You have been more than reasonable by the sound of it.

Believe me, I'd love to tell him that! But I am miss calm, cool and collected again now "

Then tell him to fuck off calmly, cooly and collectedly

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By *upitersmile OP   Couple
over a year ago

Manchester


"He's a tosser. Tell him to fuck off. And that if he wants to see his children, he can visit them or collect them.

You have been more than reasonable by the sound of it.

Believe me, I'd love to tell him that! But I am miss calm, cool and collected again now

Then tell him to fuck off calmly, cooly and collectedly "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok I know it's not Thursday and I'm not easily wound up but I really need to let off steam! 

I moved up north 8 years ago with my two girls to move in with other half, we'd already been together 18mths but with the eldest ready to start school the long distance thing wasn't viable any more and didn't want to uproot them once they had settled into school.

For 8 years I have taken the girls back to norfolk EVERY school holiday to spend with their dad and we even do alternate christmases (which I hate!). In all these years he has never come to visit them here, offered to pick them up half way, payed a penny in support or bought them anything other than Christmas/birthday gifts.

This half term we have family staying, a party, a wedding, my eldest birthday and they have a dancing show. So I have told him I won't be bringing them down. I feel I've always been more than reasonable regarding contact and he has flipped on me and has made me feel like that weak young girl I was when I was married to him, blaming me for everything that's gone wrong in his life. I never usually let him get to me but I am seriously pissed off right now!!!!!!!! 

   "

Perhaps (and this is just an observation / suggestion) you need to tell him what you just told us here (in a cool and calm fashion) - reclaiming your lost sense of control and providing him with a 'perspective adjustment'?

I call it 'The Shit-Sandwich Imperative'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wonder if there will be a post from a single guy down south complaining about his ex .............

Ahh but who posted first wins

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