FabSwingers.com forum: Afraid to send the first message

By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?

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By *ou only live onceMan
over a year ago

London

Yeah, think we all suffer from the fear of rejection on some level. But I think the only way to overcome it is to send the message (or approach that person in the club).

Feel the fear and do it anyway! If you're polite and accept it might be a polite "thanks but no thanks", what's the worst that can happen??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't see it as a rejection. They aren't rejecting you as a person, one message doesn't reflect who you are so the best advice is not to take it personally if you don't get a reply.

Take the leap, send the message and then delete it from your sent box. If they come back then great, if not you will probably forget about it anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Messages aren't too bad but I'm terrible in person. Making myself look stupid and being rejected would be one of my worst nightmares

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to be wary of sending that first message, thinking “nah, they’ll never like me”.

I stopped to think about it and realised how daft that appears. What’s the worst that can happen? A random stranger you’ve never spoken to says “I’m sorry, but I don’t fancy you”. I accept it and go about the rest of my existence.

So now, I just message those who grab my attention.

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By *he AmbassadorMan
over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"I wouldn't see it as a rejection. They aren't rejecting you as a person, one message doesn't reflect who you are so the best advice is not to take it personally if you don't get a reply.

Take the leap, send the message and then delete it from your sent box. If they come back then great, if not you will probably forget about it anyway. "
this, with bells on it,

Its fab OP

Grab the horn or horns, (mutter ffk it what's the worst that can happen) , and jump in with 2 feet,

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By *ighty_tightyMan
over a year ago

Norfolk/Suffolk

Fear of being rejected? Is that greater than the fear of missing out? Without that message you might never know.

You can't go through life without taking any risks.

Saying that, I'm awful in person. Keyboard bravado helps.

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By *ralextacyMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

There are so many single male profiles that the ladies get bombarded so I don't make first moves as it's usually lost with all the other messages no matter how good or bad theirs are I relation to mine.

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By *he love catsCouple
over a year ago

South Wales

Totally get this, we have never made a first move with a message or a wink in fear of rejection, got a few in our hotlist who we would like to though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m not scared to send the first message at all. Someone has to make first contact so it might as well be me if I want to get to know someone.

It’s when the messaging just stops dead that knocks my confidence for a while

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not at all if you don’t say hello or anything you never know if you have a chance or not

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve sent a first message but wouldn’t bother me if I got rejected

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just send it, you have nothing to lose

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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago

Dublin

Not to sound like a smart arse, but it does strike me as odd being on a website like this and being afraid to message someone. Will you then be afraid to make a move in person, take off your clothes etc?

I always embrace rejection. Because for me it's far better than the alternative. Imagine a situation where everyone woman wanted to have sex with you, now that would genuinely be a nightmare scenario for me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not sure if you can overcome the fear OP but as others have said just jump in and do it. It may have something to do with your concern about what people will think of you but I've never cared about that...they like me or they don't. If you can adopt this mindset it's much easier. Good luck.

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

I'm sure it is easy for others but for those with autism like myself, it can be more difficult.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"Not to sound like a smart arse, but it does strike me as odd being on a website like this and being afraid to message someone. Will you then be afraid to make a move in person, take off your clothes etc?

You are right.

I’m not scared but sometimes hesitant. Do I have the headspace to give it my full attention?, if I’m thinking about or got things going on with others it feels a little disrespectful to half heartedly try to start something new

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

It's an odd one OP, I have a slight fear of rejection on here (and not experienced it so far) but I do send the first message. Have done many times.

So maybe try interacting with people on the forums, approaching them from a friend standpoint and anything else is a positive. It's difficult for men (well people) on here, remember it's not you as a person they're saying no to, just a snapshot of a message from you. It's not a personal slant. And maybe view it as something other than rejection because I know for me it sounds really harsh in my head.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me it’s not fear that stops me message, it’s risk vs reward. I’m not really looking to meet right now, so taking time to craft bespoke personalised messages that will likely end in rejection doesn’t equate to good use of my time right now.

I’ll happily talk to anyone that messages me though (hint).

If I ever decide I’m ‘on the market’ again I’ll change my approach

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By *aughtyandhandsomeMan
over a year ago

button moon

I’m not bothered about getting rejected. I’m just not great at writing messages as the initial one. It’s something I struggle with is that first message to grab their attention

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"I’m not bothered about getting rejected. I’m just not great at writing messages as the initial one. It’s something I struggle with is that first message to grab their attention "

That is something I always have a problem with.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

Realise 99% of messages go unopened and stop caring

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By *ancy38Woman
over a year ago

galway

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?"

Going by my inbox, you are in a minority. I even say do not msg me single males and inundated with them daily.

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By *iger4uWoman
over a year ago

In my happy place

I dont ever send a first message

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t send the first message no more since I saw evidence of forumites screenshotting & sharing messages on a third party messaging service

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?

Going by my inbox, you are in a minority. I even say do not msg me single males and inundated with them daily. "

It must be a pain when single guys ignore that.

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By *ighty_tightyMan
over a year ago

Norfolk/Suffolk

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?

Going by my inbox, you are in a minority. I even say do not msg me single males and inundated with them daily. "

Then switch them off, the message filters are there for a reason

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?

Going by my inbox, you are in a minority. I even say do not msg me single males and inundated with them daily.

Then switch them off, the message filters are there for a reason"

This

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By *ittleRed18Woman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?

Going by my inbox, you are in a minority. I even say do not msg me single males and inundated with them daily.

Then switch them off, the message filters are there for a reason"

100% this!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In real life there is a theory that 'approach anxiety' could stem back to a primal fear of being killed by other male tribe members if your advances were seen as a threat or infringment of territory.

Kind of an ancient "are you looking at my bird" scenario

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By *ittleRed18Woman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

OP absolutely understand feeling anxious about someone you don't knows unpredictable reaction. I get that new people can seem scary but we are all strangers until someone says hi. In "real life" this can be terrifying for all involved and I'm sure most people are worried about how to let someone they don't know down nicely too.

On here though I find there are many indicators on a profile that can give you a hint of how they may react. Age, who they like to meet (or don't). If you don't meet someone's criteria and still send a message please don't be shocked if you don't get the response you'd prefer. Spend your time wisely but if they are not interested nothing lost since it was one message.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm normally terrible but one of the last times I went to a club surprised me. I had arranged to meet a guy there. He was working so agreed on a vague time. He turned up late (I'm not having a go but it adds to the story), said hello and then said "I'm going to go for a fag." And I never saw him again. This could have made me feel really awkward and rejected but it made me laugh. Then I saw a guy I used to talk to on here at the bar. I went to him to say hello (something I'd never do) and he said a couple of things and then turned his back to me

. I wasn't that into him, he messaged me later to day he was with someone. I decided to see the funny side of it and not take it at heart. As some other people have said, you shouldn't feel bad.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had that thought for a good week with a beautiful girl on here, kryptonite_kitten, eventually realised that if I get rejected then I'm still in the same position I'm in. Wrote the email about 6 times deleted it five and sent it on the 6th... it didn't go down as well as hoped but she was polite and replied with a polite... no thanks! So I was cordial and accepted rejection whilst offering a scenario that I thought might tickle her fancy... and now we are sat together having dated for 6 months and have this profile together! Never be afraid, just make sure the message you send ypu are happy with and reflects you as best as possible. Never know... May become the love of your life!

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By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

I'm afraid or maybe more apprehensive about sending a first message. I kind of see it as being a bit forward gawd knows why though.

Sometime just biting the bullet is the best thing to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Shy kids don't get sweets!!

Send the message!!

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"Shy kids don't get sweets!!

Send the message!!

But they have lovely teeth

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

Never been afraid to send a message to anyone but only if they fit the criteria.

In saying that I haven't sent a first contact message in more than 2 years and I prefer people to find me as it works much better.

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"I'm normally terrible but one of the last times I went to a club surprised me. I had arranged to meet a guy there. He was working so agreed on a vague time. He turned up late (I'm not having a go but it adds to the story), said hello and then said "I'm going to go for a fag." And I never saw him again. This could have made me feel really awkward and rejected but it made me laugh. Then I saw a guy I used to talk to on here at the bar. I went to him to say hello (something I'd never do) and he said a couple of things and then turned his back to me

. I wasn't that into him, he messaged me later to day he was with someone. I decided to see the funny side of it and not take it at heart. As some other people have said, you shouldn't feel bad."

I do my best not to take it at heart but whenever I'm on my own at a club, approaching someone is not my strong point. I want to say hi but I just freeze.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wouldn’t say fear of rejection, I’ve just come to terms with the fact it’s pointless, messaging most people on here is like saying hello to everyone you walk passed in the street, the majority ignore you but you get the odd one that says hello back but that’s all you get a one word answer.

The mr

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just send it, you have nothing to lose"

Definition this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just send it, you have nothing to lose

Definitely this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?"

Carlos says go for it, what have you got to lose?

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

I’m not keen on sending the first message. It gets me all in a dither

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

ye keep trying you will get better with time but its also nice when you revive a thought out message to though.

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Just send a message o/p. Nothing to lose.

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By *he_Last_TitanMan
over a year ago

Bristol

Only time I send a first message on here is on the rare occasion I respond to someone’s forum post. Otherwise I never do. Don’t see the point. I don’t worry about rejection I just know that women are swamped with messages so there’s little chance mine will be noticed or replied to.

However, I’m very visible here - women can (and do) get in touch with me when they’re interested.

And if they’re not interested that’s also fine and if they’re too reticent to send a message, then they’re unlikely to be for me in any case.

Don’t bothered with winks either, which I get a lot of I have to say.

Not saying you shouldn’t send a first message, just saying what I do here and it works fine.

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"ye keep trying you will get better with time but its also nice when you revive a thought out message to though."

I do my best on thought out messages but there have been times where I draw a blank and can't think of what to say to introduce myself.

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By *rad670Man
over a year ago

South Lakes

It's better to not be someones cup of tea on here after a message than approaching them in a club, at least the anxiety is not as bad and it helps to build a thick skin, it's all about patience on here, you might send 10 messages and even if you just get one pleasnt reply it makes up for the rest. I've been to a club and been pretty much ignored all night, I would rether have 100 messages not replied to for how I felt that night, could have been partly my lack of confidence to approach others too.

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By *edsmudgeMan
over a year ago

oxford

Oh I’m much braver on here ,

Don’t get me wrong it’s never lead to out , but weigh that agaist real life; where I have never .

All previous relationships they have had to make the first move . Followed by hitting me in the chops with a giant black pudding whilst holding a billboard which reads “ I don’t find you repulsive”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Send it.

Tell her you look like Ryan Reynolds if she squints.

Everything will work out in the end.

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By *iggyStarjumpsMan
over a year ago

Stockport

Deleting messages from the sent folder is some of the best advice I've ever got from the forum. Then try to forget about it and if they reply, it's a nice surprise

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?"

Sending a message in Fab is nothing like approaching someone in a club. In Fab, you have some idea of who the person is, by reading through their profile, and gauging whether you have some common ground to be a potential match. If you then send a short, opening message to express an interest, even if you are completely ignored, it’s far less soul destroying than approaching a complete stranger in a club who chops you down in person

But, if you don’t try, you’ll never know! Good luck fella

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By *agic.MMan
over a year ago

Orpington

However, I’m very visible here - women can (and do) get in touch with me when they’re interested.

And if they’re not interested that’s also fine and if they’re too reticent to send a message, then they’re unlikely to be for me in any case.

Don’t bothered with winks either, which I get a lot of I have to say.

Not saying you shouldn’t send a first message, just saying what I do here and it works fine.

I take a similar approach, as a man, if you do sent a message, you are competing with hundreds of other messages, and the constant reminder of women that if you want a reply from them, you have to make an effort ( especially when they would only send a simple hello, if they message themselves) just doesn't appeal to me. So rather than focus that energy into creating the "perfect" message, I just focus on myself and my profile, and I personally do reply to every message I receive, so it just makes more sense to me to have this approach ...it works for me too.

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By *inger_SnapWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

Just do it.

Read the profile, pay them a compliment, refer to something or suggest why you might be compatible.

I don't receive that many messages that I can't keep up reading and replying, so don't use that as an excuse not to msg

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By *edsmudgeMan
over a year ago

oxford

"Just do it.

Read the profile, pay them a compliment, refer to something or suggest why you might be compatible.

I don't receive that many messages that I can't keep up reading and replying, so don't use that as an excuse not to msg

I should probably just Google .. but what’s cuckcake?

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By *ancy38Woman
over a year ago

galway

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?

Going by my inbox, you are in a minority. I even say do not msg me single males and inundated with them daily.

Then switch them off, the message filters are there for a reason"

Can I still msg single men though. I do be interested in meeting them but I prefer to send the first msg first. If I block them and I send a msg, can they reply though. This is why I don't have them blocked.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?

Going by my inbox, you are in a minority. I even say do not msg me single males and inundated with them daily.

Then switch them off, the message filters are there for a reason

Yes they can reply to you if you message first. By doing so, removes the block filter for that person.

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By *ancy38Woman
over a year ago

galway

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?

Going by my inbox, you are in a minority. I even say do not msg me single males and inundated with them daily.

Then switch them off, the message filters are there for a reason

Yes they can reply to you if you message first. By doing so, removes the block filter for that person. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Totally get this, we have never made a first move with a message or a wink in fear of rejection, got a few in our hotlist who we would like to though.

Absolutely as above..even in civvi street I would never make the first move, i just don't feel comfortable doing it at all.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

I've never been someone who is backwards in coming forwards.

I used to send messages on here to people whose profiles appealed in exactly the same way as I would say hello to someone if I was in a pub. I am fine starting and maintaining a conversation and most of my interesting conversations on here were ones I initiated.

Where I've always struggled is turning that conversation into more. I'm crap at flirting and rubbish at picking up when someone is flirting with me.

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By *unandgamegeek OP Man
over a year ago

Bolton

"I've never been someone who is backwards in coming forwards.

Where I've always struggled is turning that conversation into more. I'm crap at flirting and rubbish at picking up when someone is flirting with me."

I know what you mean. With me having Asperger's, I can't read social cues well and won't be able to know if they're interested. As for flirting, I have absolutely no idea how to flirt.

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By *eah BabyCouple
over a year ago

Cheshire, Windermere ,Cumbria

I like the Mark Twain quote....

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade wind in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover

So just send the message as long as you fit in with what they are looking for and feel you would get along. The person could have you on their hotlist but thinking they won’t message you because you would have messaged them if you were interested, so it could be a missed opportunity of something good, if they don’t reply or you get a no thank you then obviously it might sting a little but a sting doesn’t last x

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By *ittleRed18Woman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

"I'm sure there are many of us here who afraid to say hello to someone that interests them out of fear of being rejected or not getting a reply.

It's quite similar to going to a club and being afraid to say hello to someone out of the same fear of being rejected.

It could be pretty much down to social anxiety.

Whoelse is afraid to send the first message? How can this fear be overcome?

Going by my inbox, you are in a minority. I even say do not msg me single males and inundated with them daily.

Then switch them off, the message filters are there for a reason

Yes they can reply to you if you message first. By doing so, removes the block filter for that person.

Yes if you wink or send a message then you unlock the block for that profile.

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By *iggyStarjumpsMan
over a year ago

Stockport

"Yes if you wink or send a message then you unlock the block for that profile.

Well, I didnt know that. How interesting

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dont be afraid to message OP, just go for it..what you got to lose.

If you dont get a reply then just move on..

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