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Can you escape a toxic relationship?

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.

I was just listening to someone who have done that and it was interesting to hear his story. I agree with him that you can do it, he said that it is hard and that you dont really notice it at the start, he talked about the signs that you should look out for like, they are good at making you think that you need them and they are good at manipulating your emotions, he added that during this time, it is important to surround yourself with good people to build a support team, have it happened to you and what signs did you notice?

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By *hatMinxOverThereWoman
over a year ago

42 Wallaby Way

I did, took me years though. You really don’t realise what’s happening for a very very long time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Easier said than done.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Yes, it's certainly possible. And my heart goes out to anyone within one, or who has managed to get out

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

I wasted over 20years of my life by staying in a toxic relationship.

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By *iss SJWoman
over a year ago

Hull

I’ve left in the back of an ambulance and also in a transit van full of my stuff to a place that had been secretly planned for months. I’ve also had the decision made for me by the other person, when I’d served my purpose. Each time it’s only when looking back or telling someone else about it, that I’ve realised how bad the situation was and how big and red the flags were. I just hadn’t noticed.

Not all my relationships have been bad or toxic though. I’ve just made a lot of bad choices in the past.

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

I think that depends on whether you have somewhere to escape too. Depending on the nature of the relationship, you may have given up (either by force or coercion) your means of escape and become trapped until some form of catalyst allows you to leave.

I think more effort needs to be spent on educating people on what the early signs of a toxic or coercive relationship are, to avoid them becoming trapped.

It took me 3 years to get out of one, and I had an exit, but what I also had was guilt, if I left they would self-destruct and that would be on me, it took their best friend to sit me down and explain to me that by staying not only was I harming myself, but I had created an enabling environment for her friend, which allowed her to act in harmful and extreme ways.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

[Removed by poster at 07/02/22 10:25:30]

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By *immyinreadingMan
over a year ago

henley on thames


"I was just listening to someone who have done that and it was interesting to hear his story. I agree with him that you can do it, he said that it is hard and that you dont really notice it at the start, he talked about the signs that you should look out for like, they are good at making you think that you need them and they are good at manipulating your emotions, he added that during this time, it is important to surround yourself with good people to build a support team, have it happened to you and what signs did you notice?

"

The problem is that bad relationships aren’t bad relationships al the time, there are usually good times too, and people end up trapped by the memory of the good times, the hope for future good times, and the hope that the bad stuff is manageable or will go away. Even if they recognise what is happening, thru are often trapped by the hope that things will get better, and are so invested in the relationship that they don’t want to write it off, they want to fix it and so they make allowances, make compromises, and suck up stiff that they shouldn’t have to go through.

If someone is abusive early in a relationship then it is easy to knock it on the head. Further down the road, with complications like living together, kids etc, it gets harder to make a break.

I have a sister in law who left her husband, told us all how abusive he was, made a clean break, got a new job, a new flat ... and then went back to him. That’s how hard it can be to make a break.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Although u know it bad whilst u in it it's not till u leave realize how bad! While in it thought it was what I deserved/my fault etc., x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes I did, it took a while but I'm free

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By *ylonloverxxMan
over a year ago

Chelmsford

I did many year's ago, took me 2 year's of physical, mental and sexual abuse(which at 6ft 4 not many people

thought it would happen) before I left her... I loved her and she knew that....so convinced me I had no friends... nobody loved me apart from her... if I ever left, the damage and upset it would cause her daughter who adored me...

It didn't matter who told me etc etc... I had to make that decision to leave when I knew I couldn't go on no more.

As much as I wished that part of my life didn't happen.... it did and after a year or so I was back to some sort of normality

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

It is possible, but I find a lot of people who haven't been in that situation underestimate how difficult it is.

I found myself stuck in a cycle of increasingly abusive relationships in my teens and twenties.

Even when I was needing hospital treatment to deal with the injuries I still found it difficult to see the situation clearly.

I was lucky that things reached a crisis point and my partner ended up serving a significant amount of time (not for the abuse, but at least it got me away from him).

I had to do a lot of work to understand why I kept putting myself into the same situations and how my behaviours and beliefs contributed to my situation. Had I not taken a few years away from relationships and dating and sex I don't think I would've found the clarity I needed to make a complete break and make the changes I needed to make, and I think I would've ended up stuck in the same patterns of behaviour.

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By *ightymouse123456Man
over a year ago

holywell

If like me I’m trapped no where to go had one family member left and well they were told I was abusing her so now wants nothing to do with me so it’s so hard to get away

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes. I couldn’t see it for so long, until a group of friends gave me a good talking to.

I used to feel like I was drowning.

It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but I have never regretted it, not for one fraction of a second.

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton


"It is possible, but I find a lot of people who haven't been in that situation underestimate how difficult it is.

I found myself stuck in a cycle of increasingly abusive relationships in my teens and twenties.

Even when I was needing hospital treatment to deal with the injuries I still found it difficult to see the situation clearly.

I was lucky that things reached a crisis point and my partner ended up serving a significant amount of time (not for the abuse, but at least it got me away from him).

I had to do a lot of work to understand why I kept putting myself into the same situations and how my behaviours and beliefs contributed to my situation. Had I not taken a few years away from relationships and dating and sex I don't think I would've found the clarity I needed to make a complete break and make the changes I needed to make, and I think I would've ended up stuck in the same patterns of behaviour."

I think your last paragraph is really important, taking time to value yourself as an individual rather than part of a couple is critical to having better relationships in the future. Toxic relationship often work on the principles of value and worth (by the toxic partner reducing them to nothing). Taking time, once you have escaped, to rebuild those in yourself prevents the cyclical return to a false “status quo” that you have been coerced into believing.

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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago

Newry Down

The crucial and most fundamental part of the solution is to determine, with the help of honest, forthright and insightful friends and a professional therapist why the victim got into the toxic setup and then, through a toxic process called learned helplessness decided to stay.

If this realisation is not undertaken and attitude changed, then returning to the original dysfunctional relationship or entering another similarly toxic setup is highly possible.

The answer to this problem lies within the victim; you must train people to treat you with respect, and if they are unwilling or unable to do so, then to be sufficiently self reliant to walk away for ever, and never return!

Red flag awareness is vital, as is knowledge of the green flags too.

Fool me once-shame on you; but fool me twice, then shame on me!

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By *ightymouse123456Man
over a year ago

holywell

Well I have nowhere to go and I’m stuck in dead end world

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By *agerMorganMan
over a year ago

Canvey Island

Can you escape a toxic relationship? Absolutely.

Is it extremely difficult? Yes. And I say that with experience, my ex would use psychological methods to abuse and yeah, still paying the price for it.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

It depends who the toxic relationship is with, how long it's been going on, the wider implications for you and who else will be impacted by you walking away from it.

I didn't realise that my relationship with my mother was/is toxic until very recently. Mr N has said on many occasions that he would have cut all contact if it was him and is often shocked at some of the things I tell him even now. Friends have been surprised too when I tell them things that I thought were just "anecdotes. It's what you're used to and if it's from childhood you think it's normal even though you swear to not repeat that behaviour with your own kids.

Walking away is not possible when the person is very old and vulnerable (although all my brother's have) and it would also mean cutting all contact with my father so I'm not prepared to do it. I have mentally shielded myself though and distanced myself emotionally so in some sense I have escaped. I would say that therefore it is possible to escape but sometimes you choose to stay and use other strategies to deal with it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, though I spent over 22 years stuck in one. It would have been easier to leave in the early stages but , the emotional manipulation was so sly that I didn’t notice. Then when he’d got control of me it was too late I was fully invested and had 3 children.

I finally realised my self worth when he incredibly asked to stay at home but still see his new girlfriend. That was the day I got my fight back and asked him to leave. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If like me I’m trapped no where to go had one family member left and well they were told I was abusing her so now wants nothing to do with me so it’s so hard to get away "

Look at the WomensAid website, there's help on there for men too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes but it is difficult , you need to realise your own worth and find yourself again to get out of there , I feel for anyone in that situation also

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It depends who the toxic relationship is with, how long it's been going on, the wider implications for you and who else will be impacted by you walking away from it.

I didn't realise that my relationship with my mother was/is toxic until very recently. Mr N has said on many occasions that he would have cut all contact if it was him and is often shocked at some of the things I tell him even now. Friends have been surprised too when I tell them things that I thought were just "anecdotes. It's what you're used to and if it's from childhood you think it's normal even though you swear to not repeat that behaviour with your own kids.

Walking away is not possible when the person is very old and vulnerable (although all my brother's have) and it would also mean cutting all contact with my father so I'm not prepared to do it. I have mentally shielded myself though and distanced myself emotionally so in some sense I have escaped. I would say that therefore it is possible to escape but sometimes you choose to stay and use other strategies to deal with it "

Sometimes it's impossible to properly escape. Sometimes people don't realise they are in a toxic relationship, even if they tick all the boxes on the 'are you in an abusive relationship' questionnaire.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

It is but it's hard. It's hard to work on your own mental health and keep yourself from abuse and harm. Because often it leads to an increase in the abuse as the abuser realises they're loosing control and become even more reckless.

I paid a big price to escape, and now have to deal with that now instead. So I'm not entirely sure you ever do fully escape it.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I did something totally out of character to get out of my 30 year abusive relationship.

Wasn't nice to do and scared the shit out of me but it was my last hope, and it worked.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It is but it's hard. It's hard to work on your own mental health and keep yourself from abuse and harm. Because often it leads to an increase in the abuse as the abuser realises they're loosing control and become even more reckless.

I paid a big price to escape, and now have to deal with that now instead. So I'm not entirely sure you ever do fully escape it. "

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By *ightymouse123456Man
over a year ago

holywell

I m stuck nowhere to go my mental health is such a mess and well she knows I’m stuck

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London


"It is but it's hard. It's hard to work on your own mental health and keep yourself from abuse and harm. Because often it leads to an increase in the abuse as the abuser realises they're loosing control and become even more reckless.

I paid a big price to escape, and now have to deal with that now instead. So I'm not entirely sure you ever do fully escape it. "

That's what happened with my husband. He realised I was getting out and tried to do everything he thought would make me want to stay with him. He couldn't keep it up and the violence and mental abuse got worse.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"It depends who the toxic relationship is with, how long it's been going on, the wider implications for you and who else will be impacted by you walking away from it.

I didn't realise that my relationship with my mother was/is toxic until very recently. Mr N has said on many occasions that he would have cut all contact if it was him and is often shocked at some of the things I tell him even now. Friends have been surprised too when I tell them things that I thought were just "anecdotes. It's what you're used to and if it's from childhood you think it's normal even though you swear to not repeat that behaviour with your own kids.

Walking away is not possible when the person is very old and vulnerable (although all my brother's have) and it would also mean cutting all contact with my father so I'm not prepared to do it. I have mentally shielded myself though and distanced myself emotionally so in some sense I have escaped. I would say that therefore it is possible to escape but sometimes you choose to stay and use other strategies to deal with it

Sometimes it's impossible to properly escape. Sometimes people don't realise they are in a toxic relationship, even if they tick all the boxes on the 'are you in an abusive relationship' questionnaire. "

Maybe because some of the "not a toxic relationship" boxes are ticked too. I know that's the case with me

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

It's hard, but yes you can. Often it just takes that one thing too far, for me, it was a slap, whilst I was holding my baby!

Even now years later I'm only realising certain things about what he did. Had no idea about narcissistic behaviour back then.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, I left after 13 years. I often thought it was easier to stay rather than leave as we had small children. I couldn't see what he was doing to me until other people pointed it out. For instance I wasn't allowed to see my friends and certainly wasn't allowed male friends on FB

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tried to get out for years but I had no idea how bad it was until I was out. Toxic people do a great job at convincing you that you're the problem. It took me a year to realise the full extent of it and another year of counselling to start asserting my boundaries.

Reading all the other stories and hope you give yourselves credit for your strength.

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

Can you get out of a toxic relationship,Yes you can but usually it isn't easy and depending on the situation can be very hard to get away from for numerous reasons.I know when I did it was terrifying starting from scratch .But it was the best decision I made and I'll never allow it to happen again.I prefer to be single than with someone who doesn't care and abuses,I was lonelier in that relationship that than I've ever been when I've been single.

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By *TK421-Man
over a year ago

Cheltenham

Following.

Mines a friendship...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I tried to get out for years but I had no idea how bad it was until I was out. Toxic people do a great job at convincing you that you're the problem. It took me a year to realise the full extent of it and another year of counselling to start asserting my boundaries.

Reading all the other stories and hope you give yourselves credit for your strength. "

The damage lasts a long time doesn’t it.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land


"It is but it's hard. It's hard to work on your own mental health and keep yourself from abuse and harm. Because often it leads to an increase in the abuse as the abuser realises they're loosing control and become even more reckless.

I paid a big price to escape, and now have to deal with that now instead. So I'm not entirely sure you ever do fully escape it.

That's what happened with my husband. He realised I was getting out and tried to do everything he thought would make me want to stay with him. He couldn't keep it up and the violence and mental abuse got worse. "

It's probably the most dangerous part, when they know they are loosing control. It's exactly that it was an eruption of abuse beyond anything I could have ever imagined before.

Stay safe anyone who is going through this and talk to someone. Even if you think you can't because of fear and feel trapped. Talking even anonymously will help you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went through a long break-off with one BPD woman. I just had to wait it out. She knew where I lived and kept turning up. But eventually her own circumstances changed and she gave up the ghost.

We continued to have sex during the final stages, as her need was part of the BPD behaviour. Crazy in the head, crazy in bed. I had little or no involvement. She would suck me to a stiffy, then leap on, and in a few strokes of her hips she had orgasmed.

Her BPD was just exhausting and pointless. I gave her nothing to talk about, imagine or live for. The slightest detail would feed her fevered brain. It was a fantastic beginning but a disastrous ending.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I tried to get out for years but I had no idea how bad it was until I was out. Toxic people do a great job at convincing you that you're the problem. It took me a year to realise the full extent of it and another year of counselling to start asserting my boundaries.

Reading all the other stories and hope you give yourselves credit for your strength.

The damage lasts a long time doesn’t it."

I remember reading that and not taking it in a few years ago. I know better now but it's all about progress x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Eventually, but patterns are hard to break. "We keep meeting the same person in different bodies, until we learn the lesson"

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.


"I did, took me years though. You really don’t realise what’s happening for a very very long time. "
That is good and yes, you are right there too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's easy to give advice, but until you actually experience it, you never really know what it's like.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I tried to get out for years but I had no idea how bad it was until I was out. Toxic people do a great job at convincing you that you're the problem. It took me a year to realise the full extent of it and another year of counselling to start asserting my boundaries.

Reading all the other stories and hope you give yourselves credit for your strength.

The damage lasts a long time doesn’t it.

I remember reading that and not taking it in a few years ago. I know better now but it's all about progress x"

I had no idea how much damage he had done, and how much work it is to undo it.

I’m getting there, but it’s still hard at times.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

It takes planning and a belief in yourself, but you can

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

Yes

Survived and free from it 9 years now still look back at the carnage how lucky I've been

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"I was just listening to someone who have done that and it was interesting to hear his story. I agree with him that you can do it, he said that it is hard and that you dont really notice it at the start, he talked about the signs that you should look out for like, they are good at making you think that you need them and they are good at manipulating your emotions, he added that during this time, it is important to surround yourself with good people to build a support team, have it happened to you and what signs did you notice?

The problem is that bad relationships aren’t bad relationships al the time, there are usually good times too, and people end up trapped by the memory of the good times, the hope for future good times, and the hope that the bad stuff is manageable or will go away. Even if they recognise what is happening, thru are often trapped by the hope that things will get better, and are so invested in the relationship that they don’t want to write it off, they want to fix it and so they make allowances, make compromises, and suck up stiff that they shouldn’t have to go through.

If someone is abusive early in a relationship then it is easy to knock it on the head. Further down the road, with complications like living together, kids etc, it gets harder to make a break.

I have a sister in law who left her husband, told us all how abusive he was, made a clean break, got a new job, a new flat ... and then went back to him. That’s how hard it can be to make a break. "

I think we’ve all had a few duffers and bad matches become worse over time. Look around lots of people are in relationships where they no longer like each other and should split up but for all kinds of reasons stay together. Eventually they become toxic, resentful, disrespectful. I’m sure there’s many ‘single’ people on here , you could say they are making things worse by being here

There’s a big difference with people who abuse each other

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By *ryandseeMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire


"It depends who the toxic relationship is with, how long it's been going on, the wider implications for you and who else will be impacted by you walking away from it.

I didn't realise that my relationship with my mother was/is toxic until very recently. Mr N has said on many occasions that he would have cut all contact if it was him and is often shocked at some of the things I tell him even now. Friends have been surprised too when I tell them things that I thought were just "anecdotes. It's what you're used to and if it's from childhood you think it's normal even though you swear to not repeat that behaviour with your own kids.

Walking away is not possible when the person is very old and vulnerable (although all my brother's have) and it would also mean cutting all contact with my father so I'm not prepared to do it. I have mentally shielded myself though and distanced myself emotionally so in some sense I have escaped. I would say that therefore it is possible to escape but sometimes you choose to stay and use other strategies to deal with it "

I found reading this very interesting as sometimes even if there is no abuse, people stay in a relationship as they know the other person will be unable to cope without them for all sorts of reasons. I know people say put yourself first and that's good advise if you can, but for some people that can be very difficult if they know that can cause huge pain and devastatoon to the other one if they were to abandon them. It's definitely a case of no cap fits all.

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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago

Newry Down

The recent legislation pertaining to coercive and controlling relationships is welcome, but should be regarded as a last option.

Those who are predisposed to coercion and control have a good understanding of what they do, but choose to behave dysfunctionally: the key feature is escalation of abuse from day one of the relationship: the empathic individual, the subjugated person needs to be on their guard, and where possible fighting back from day one, otherwise they eventually find themselves in a nightmare scenario where everything they do is criticised and controlled.

Red flag identification should be taught in school to increase awareness and the ability to eradicate this perverse activity that destroys the lives of victims and their children.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I did, took me years though. You really don’t realise what’s happening for a very very long time. "

I've seen it described as boiling frog syndrome. The idea that if you put a frog straight into boiling water, it would scream and try to jump out. But sit them in warm water and raise the temp slowly, they won't notice until its too late to get out. Not sure why anyone wants to boil frogs, but the metaphor was true for me.

He would do something off and once I accepted it, another bad behaviour would appear and I would be persuaded to accept it, then another worse behaviour would appear, while I slowly boiled. If he had shown me the actual monster he was when we first met, I would have jumped straight out of that pot and run a mile.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The recent legislation pertaining to coercive and controlling relationships is welcome, but should be regarded as a last option.

Those who are predisposed to coercion and control have a good understanding of what they do, but choose to behave dysfunctionally: the key feature is escalation of abuse from day one of the relationship: the empathic individual, the subjugated person needs to be on their guard, and where possible fighting back from day one, otherwise they eventually find themselves in a nightmare scenario where everything they do is criticised and controlled.

Red flag identification should be taught in school to increase awareness and the ability to eradicate this perverse activity that destroys the lives of victims and their children."

I'm not sure I agree. I've come to think that it's less about spotting other people's red flags than being secure and clear on our own boundaries. This is what I teach my children.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I understand the psychology now, but didn't then. I can see now mine was a text book case of narcissistic BPD behaviour.

The fact is that BPD people covertly tell you what they are going to bring to you, and they see that as the license to go on and wig out.

You need to be aware of their methods and question them and look up their history. If there are characteristic patterns they are the signs.

Unfortunately they bring fabulous sex and that is usually what blinds you to what inevitably will happen.

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By *ersey GirlCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow

I think the signs are when you start changing. If someone starts off calling all the shots and being controlling, if you would stand up for yourself usually but let things slide then that's where the problems start

R

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I understand the psychology now, but didn't then. I can see now mine was a text book case of narcissistic BPD behaviour.

The fact is that BPD people covertly tell you what they are going to bring to you, and they see that as the license to go on and wig out.

You need to be aware of their methods and question them and look up their history. If there are characteristic patterns they are the signs.

Unfortunately they bring fabulous sex and that is usually what blinds you to what inevitably will happen."

You are talking bollocks, all you have knowledge of is one woman with BPD. While it's true the condition makes managing relationships difficult, you seem to think sufferers are all the same. They all bring fantastic sex? No, they are all individual. You were hurt by someone with BPD and I'm sorry for that. But that doesn't mean everyone with BPD will hurt people. That's like saying all people with schizophrenia are violent. They are more likely to hurt themselves than anyone else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jenwren100

I won't allow myself back into that scenario ever again.

Is that where you are now?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It depends who the toxic relationship is with, how long it's been going on, the wider implications for you and who else will be impacted by you walking away from it.

I didn't realise that my relationship with my mother was/is toxic until very recently. Mr N has said on many occasions that he would have cut all contact if it was him and is often shocked at some of the things I tell him even now. Friends have been surprised too when I tell them things that I thought were just "anecdotes. It's what you're used to and if it's from childhood you think it's normal even though you swear to not repeat that behaviour with your own kids.

Walking away is not possible when the person is very old and vulnerable (although all my brother's have) and it would also mean cutting all contact with my father so I'm not prepared to do it. I have mentally shielded myself though and distanced myself emotionally so in some sense I have escaped. I would say that therefore it is possible to escape but sometimes you choose to stay and use other strategies to deal with it

Sometimes it's impossible to properly escape. Sometimes people don't realise they are in a toxic relationship, even if they tick all the boxes on the 'are you in an abusive relationship' questionnaire.

Maybe because some of the "not a toxic relationship" boxes are ticked too. I know that's the case with me "

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.


"Easier said than done. "
Yes, it is that too.

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By *ornywelsh2sumCouple
over a year ago

Neath valley.

I left a toxic relationship. Took me seven years and him finally leaving me for a woman who ended up being a crap shag. He tried to get me to just meet him for sex as he said it was the best sex he had with me. But i was done and told him that will never happen.

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By *aughty GilfCouple
over a year ago

bishop area

I walked out last year after the very last physical attack I endured he's begged me back and I'm still walking away so of course I'm everything awful but I have a great support network

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By *nfin8yWoman
over a year ago

Newcastle-under-Lyme

Yes. It took me a long time to realise the damage that was being done to me but since it ended I have never looked back.

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.

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By *ooo wet tight hornyWoman
over a year ago

lancashire


"Well I have nowhere to go and I’m stuck in dead end world "

Hey Mighty Mouse where's this confident Guy you mention in your profile?...believe in your self and that you can move out and move on...have you ever searched for any male refuges? Just tell your self your worth more and you can make that move even if it means staying on a mate's sofa. As for your family member not believing you over your partner well shame on them!!

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I think my marriage was pretty toxic

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes you definitely can. I'm proof you can.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm a draw for broken women. I help piece them together again, mend them as best I can, help them to their feet, even polish them up a little until they feel happy to go back to the ex or on to a better man.

Somehow, none seem to be able to tell me what's lacking in me. Must be my life's purpose.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm a draw for broken women. I help piece them together again, mend them as best I can, help them to their feet, even polish them up a little until they feel happy to go back to the ex or on to a better man.

Somehow, none seem to be able to tell me what's lacking in me. Must be my life's purpose."

You need to apply the fixing you give them to yourself. Only you can know what you need to do to love yourself

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Although u know it bad whilst u in it it's not till u leave realize how bad! While in it thought it was what I deserved/my fault etc., x"

This is very true. I didn't even realise my relationship was emotionally abusive until months after I left. I left because he cheated on me. It wasn't an accident, he signed up to tinder and by the time I found out it had been going on for months. I nearly went back so many times but the idiot couldn't be nice to me for long enough for me to go through with it. After a few months it was like I suddenly woke up and saw it for what it was. It was bizarre. I don't know how you can be so blind to reality. When I was eventually interviewed by a police officer who was the force's domestic abuse lead after years of stalking and harassment, it felt like he knew our relationship before I even told him but it seems there's just usually a classic pattern. Sometimes you feel like a fool for falling for it all but when I think about how long it took me to undo all the damage he did to my ways of thinking, it must have been a lot of work to get me to that point in the first place.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Although u know it bad whilst u in it it's not till u leave realize how bad! While in it thought it was what I deserved/my fault etc., x

This is very true. I didn't even realise my relationship was emotionally abusive until months after I left. I left because he cheated on me. It wasn't an accident, he signed up to tinder and by the time I found out it had been going on for months. I nearly went back so many times but the idiot couldn't be nice to me for long enough for me to go through with it. After a few months it was like I suddenly woke up and saw it for what it was. It was bizarre. I don't know how you can be so blind to reality. When I was eventually interviewed by a police officer who was the force's domestic abuse lead after years of stalking and harassment, it felt like he knew our relationship before I even told him but it seems there's just usually a classic pattern. Sometimes you feel like a fool for falling for it all but when I think about how long it took me to undo all the damage he did to my ways of thinking, it must have been a lot of work to get me to that point in the first place. "

It is clever, sly and insidious, but never your fault.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm a draw for broken women. I help piece them together again, mend them as best I can, help them to their feet, even polish them up a little until they feel happy to go back to the ex or on to a better man.

Somehow, none seem to be able to tell me what's lacking in me. Must be my life's purpose.

You need to apply the fixing you give them to yourself. Only you can know what you need to do to love yourself "

.

Ah, that's very sweet. I don't even know what I do that seems to mend them.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"I understand the psychology now, but didn't then. I can see now mine was a text book case of narcissistic BPD behaviour.

The fact is that BPD people covertly tell you what they are going to bring to you, and they see that as the license to go on and wig out.

You need to be aware of their methods and question them and look up their history. If there are characteristic patterns they are the signs.

Unfortunately they bring fabulous sex and that is usually what blinds you to what inevitably will happen.

You are talking bollocks, all you have knowledge of is one woman with BPD. While it's true the condition makes managing relationships difficult, you seem to think sufferers are all the same. They all bring fantastic sex? No, they are all individual. You were hurt by someone with BPD and I'm sorry for that. But that doesn't mean everyone with BPD will hurt people. That's like saying all people with schizophrenia are violent. They are more likely to hurt themselves than anyone else. "

Absolutely true. I have friends with it who have perfectly happy and healthy relationships. They do have the right support however. My ex was told by a professional that he possibly had BPD. His response was to get angry, refuse to accept any possibility of it and quit all forms of support. The sex was also incredibly unsatisying for me though I'm not sure if that was done deliberately as another form of control. I was constantly promised things I wanted in bed that he insisted he enjoyed too but they never happened. Either he had lied to me in the beginning to gain my interest or he just enjoyed stringing me along.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I suspect if we all compared notes there would be patterns. The first time I googled gaslighting I just sat there with my mouth open . How did they know?! I hadn't even realised until then that he lovebombed me at the start to reel me in.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"I suspect if we all compared notes there would be patterns. The first time I googled gaslighting I just sat there with my mouth open . How did they know?! I hadn't even realised until then that he lovebombed me at the start to reel me in. "

I was first gaslighted at 16/17. He tried to convince me I cancelled our plans and didn't remember because he had decided he wanted to go out with his mates instead and didn't want to be the bad guy. Among other examples. He would tell me he was worried about me not remembering these conversations. He regrets his behaviour now and part of me feels he was possibly too young to fully understand the implications of what he was doing. It just shows how widespread and normalised some of this stuff is though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I suspect if we all compared notes there would be patterns. The first time I googled gaslighting I just sat there with my mouth open . How did they know?! I hadn't even realised until then that he lovebombed me at the start to reel me in.

I was first gaslighted at 16/17. He tried to convince me I cancelled our plans and didn't remember because he had decided he wanted to go out with his mates instead and didn't want to be the bad guy. Among other examples. He would tell me he was worried about me not remembering these conversations. He regrets his behaviour now and part of me feels he was possibly too young to fully understand the implications of what he was doing. It just shows how widespread and normalised some of this stuff is though. "

Whoah that's so young. Before you've even figured out who you are. Mind you a couple of my kids have twigged that their dad (my ex) has gaslighted them. I never said a thing to any of them or him about his behaviour. They're both under 15.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"I suspect if we all compared notes there would be patterns. The first time I googled gaslighting I just sat there with my mouth open . How did they know?! I hadn't even realised until then that he lovebombed me at the start to reel me in.

I was first gaslighted at 16/17. He tried to convince me I cancelled our plans and didn't remember because he had decided he wanted to go out with his mates instead and didn't want to be the bad guy. Among other examples. He would tell me he was worried about me not remembering these conversations. He regrets his behaviour now and part of me feels he was possibly too young to fully understand the implications of what he was doing. It just shows how widespread and normalised some of this stuff is though.

Whoah that's so young. Before you've even figured out who you are. Mind you a couple of my kids have twigged that their dad (my ex) has gaslighted them. I never said a thing to any of them or him about his behaviour. They're both under 15. "

I'm really sorry to hear that. It is good that kids are so much more clued up on these things now though. I knew it was fucked up when he admitted to me when we were about 20 that he made it all up. I didn't have a name for it though until my mid 20s nor did I know fully how harmful it can be. I don't think he knew either to be honest. I think he knew it was wrong but I don't think he realised the full implications or that it was technically abuse. Obviously the same can't be said for adults that do it to others.

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By *oelDorianMan
over a year ago

vanaheim

I manage to yes my previous ex was emotionally and mentally abusive and I’m still coping now with the effects of what she did to me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can relate to a lot of the posts and apologies if I am repeating points. The answer is you can escape, although it is very hard but worth it in the long run. For me, I didn't realise how bad it was until the people around me like my friends and even their friends/family started to comment and question about how I'm being treated which lead me to question the relationship and gain the strength to leave which was not easy. It's a very hard thing to go through and I wish everyone the best who has experienced it or are currently dealing with it

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By *wuk431000Man
over a year ago

Devon

Wow. Can't believe how many survivors there are in this thread. Its incredible, and you/we/ i should all be very pround of ourselves for being strong and now more able to see through the destruction of future toxic relationships, and able to see the signs before they develop into anything greater. Maybe this is part of the reason we find ourselves here. Its safe, its on our terms. Its not forever. As much as i would love to find a relationship i could be fully myself in, within this community! I still struggle to trust. Maybe others can relate? X

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.

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By *lasgow rooferMan
over a year ago

Baillieston

Yes I have took a while to find my self esteem again I thought I was a waste of time a a failure I won't lecture anyone about walking away I made that decision myself it will come a time when you know it's time to go Im over 6ft and my exwife was just over 5ft and like most guys feel ashamed to say anything to anyone trying to get prepared to do it and get things sorted when the time came was bad getting the kids clothes packed and hiding the bags and trying to act as normal. But there is a future don't let anyone put you down and alienate you from your family they're the ones who have a problem not you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Both of us found each other borne out of toxic relationships - society bred many generations of people that believed that making their relationship work was more important than their own happiness. The modern generation has surpassed that but maybe IMO gone too far the other way but thats another topic.

There are varying levels of toxicity and various methods of delivery - how we bounce back determines how functional we remain

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Still trying.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I only had 9 months in one, realised he was hurting my brain - like mental chinese burn twisting my thoughts. Then I was afraid to break up. I decided I had to make him think it was his idea but the psychological warfare was intense and it broke me.

Thankfully I have an excellent support system, and self-confidence to build me up again..

But ill never trust a man again i dont think and that is very sad

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By *agic.MMan
over a year ago

Orpington

Not sure "escape" is the word I would use....more like survive a toxic relationship

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By *lixir of lifeMan
over a year ago

knob Creek

You can leave any relationship no matter how difficult..

But your scared inside and will never really trust again..

Little trigger points just serve as reminders..

I lived with a drinker and every time a new partner had a drink I froze ..

It’s always there ..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have had exactly this and to a huge degree, thank god for covid and the several lockdowns as they served to force us apart and keep us that way. Am SO much happier now as have net someone else, thru here no less and she's totally different in every way, all positive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Still trying."

Hey, all of us who have emerged the other side know how hard it is. Be happy to talk if you'd like to DM me.

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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago

A world all of his own


"I tried to get out for years but I had no idea how bad it was until I was out. Toxic people do a great job at convincing you that you're the problem. It took me a year to realise the full extent of it and another year of counselling to start asserting my boundaries.

Reading all the other stories and hope you give yourselves credit for your strength. "


"Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that can be described in different variations of three words: “That didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?” Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulative tactics out there because it works to distort and erode your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in calling out abuse and mistreatment "

I thought to add this as a quote as they're not my words and I don't want to plagiarise. It's from a very informative article that I read a while ago.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a useful and growing library of research into behavioural characteristics. Shawn T Smith has written on relationships, David M Buss on evolutionary psychology, Warren T Farrell on education. Esther Perel on relationships.

These authors write in plain English, so it's a lot easier to follow. Some of the more scientific stuff is a slog to get through.

This information is basically a condom for your own mental health and wellbeing.

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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago

Newry Down

Each toxic relationship is different, but for me, an empathic sucker for a hard luck story and a selfless eagerness to assist, has been replaced with a distant cynicism and care when getting involved in new relationships.

Being raised in a toxic and dysfunctional home, where the most appalling abuse was pervasive, did prepare me for new toxic relationships in later life.

I am now more selfish, for myself. When I spot red flags, I withdraw on the spot; and literally no-one is able to contact me.

My parents were selfish and abusive narcissists. It has taken years of self education to realise that.

The penny dropped for me and no contact was the only option and the route I took, belatedly.

Leaving toxicity behind is possible but it is very difficult, as is the commitment to avoid any repetition, EVER AGAIN!

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By *windonguy1234Man
over a year ago

Swindon

[Removed by poster at 09/02/22 05:52:57]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Each toxic relationship is different, but for me, an empathic sucker for a hard luck story and a selfless eagerness to assist, has been replaced with a distant cynicism and care when getting involved in new relationships.

Being raised in a toxic and dysfunctional home, where the most appalling abuse was pervasive, did prepare me for new toxic relationships in later life.

I am now more selfish, for myself. When I spot red flags, I withdraw on the spot; and literally no-one is able to contact me.

My parents were selfish and abusive narcissists. It has taken years of self education to realise that.

The penny dropped for me and no contact was the only option and the route I took, belatedly.

Leaving toxicity behind is possible but it is very difficult, as is the commitment to avoid any repetition, EVER AGAIN!"

It’s not selfish at all, I do the same, at the first sign of a red flag I stop.

Prioritising your mental and emotional health is important.

It doesn’t mean you won’t find love again though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Still trying."

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By *ecky and justCouple
over a year ago

Godalming

Yes.

You can..

but, it’s hard work and leaves scars, mentally and physically.

I had to start my life over again. Meeting Becky helped immensely.

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By *ananabrumMan
over a year ago

castle bromwich

I think you can escape the relationship, but you'll never get away from the effect thr relationship had on you and as such that toxic relationship will have an effect on every other relationship going fowards.

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By *oelDorianMan
over a year ago

vanaheim


"I think you can escape the relationship, but you'll never get away from the effect thr relationship had on you and as such that toxic relationship will have an effect on every other relationship going fowards. "

That’s very true I’m still getting triggered by some things that were reinforced in by my ex. But it does become easier over time but I don’t think I’ll every be rid of it.

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By *sLittleRedRidingHoodWoman
over a year ago

Magical Forrest

Took me 4 years to leave my toxic marriage. Took me another couple of years to find myself again.

Happiest I’ve ever been,mind you I would like to be with someone, learnt a lot about myself, good and bad,learnt from my mistakes.

He remarried, the signs of toxic marriage with his new wife are clear to see. He hasn’t changed.

Good luck to anyone trying to leave a toxic relationship, takes alot to do so.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I ditched my ex of 6 years when she showed signs of cheating, yet I never accused her directly. Either way had 3 obvious signs. Flowers she left in the car one day when I moved it, a random residential postcode in car satnav and guilty body language during a conversation once. I just stopped showing her interest and affection. The moment I said I'm done she asked me how she'd get to work the next morning, told her she could walk lol don't let someone abuse your good nature nor let their bad decisions affect your mood. Their loss not yours.

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

I survived and and escaped a 12 year abusive relationship about 2 years ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Took me 4 years to leave my toxic marriage. Took me another couple of years to find myself again.

Happiest I’ve ever been,mind you I would like to be with someone, learnt a lot about myself, good and bad,learnt from my mistakes.

He remarried, the signs of toxic marriage with his new wife are clear to see. He hasn’t changed.

Good luck to anyone trying to leave a toxic relationship, takes alot to do so. "

Did it give you some 'peace' to know that he's doing it to someone else? ...That it wasn't your 'fault'?

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By *uliette500Woman
over a year ago

Hull

I spent 10 years with my ex husband. At the start of the relationship everything seemed wonderful and the changes and manipulation happened so slowly I just didn't see it.

By the end I was convinced I was worthless and unwanted, that the only person who would love me was him.

He was emotionally, financially, physically and sexually abusive.

It took a really good friend to make me see I was still important and cared for. He gave me a way out and supported me through my recovery which took a good few years before I was more like the old me.

People who have never been in this situation say "why didn't you just get out" and "that would never happen to me".

Believe me when I say, it isn't that easy, these people are master manipulators and know exactly how to break someone so slowly they don't know ow it's happening. Once you are so low it's easy for them to control you because you think so little of yourself.

My advice to other people is never criticise anyone in these relationships, you can see it but they can't, just be there, be a friend and don't give up on them because the day will come when they need you to help them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes you definitely can and should!

Anyone in one should definitely show themselves love and leave, give yourself the advice you would give someone you really cared about and then act upon it

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By *urplechesterCouple
over a year ago

chester

Often you’re not allowed to have friends and family, so it can be difficult to have any kind of support network! Also leaving is not as easy as it sounds for some! But a time will come, run for that door and never go back Miss pc

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I spent 10 years with my ex husband. At the start of the relationship everything seemed wonderful and the changes and manipulation happened so slowly I just didn't see it.

By the end I was convinced I was worthless and unwanted, that the only person who would love me was him.

He was emotionally, financially, physically and sexually abusive.

It took a really good friend to make me see I was still important and cared for. He gave me a way out and supported me through my recovery which took a good few years before I was more like the old me.

People who have never been in this situation say "why didn't you just get out" and "that would never happen to me".

Believe me when I say, it isn't that easy, these people are master manipulators and know exactly how to break someone so slowly they don't know ow it's happening. Once you are so low it's easy for them to control you because you think so little of yourself.

My advice to other people is never criticise anyone in these relationships, you can see it but they can't, just be there, be a friend and don't give up on them because the day will come when they need you to help them. "

This is so very true. Im doing my best to be that friend right now, when really I want to take her away to live with me, or throttle the abuser controlling her

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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago

A world all of his own


" He remarried, the signs of toxic marriage with his new wife are clear to see. He hasn’t changed."

A friend and I were talking about this the other week, saying that you almost want to stand on the rooftops and scream "How? How are you not seeing the signs?!" And of course the answer is obvious, they're too goddamned devious and you can't see them when you're that close to it, especially if you've never been exposed to it before.

Also, for the most part, they won't ever change as they don't want/need to change.

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.


"Yes. I couldn’t see it for so long, until a group of friends gave me a good talking to.

I used to feel like I was drowning.

It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but I have never regretted it, not for one fraction of a second."
Yes, it is good that everything turned out good for you

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

I'm no shrinking violet, I never in a million years thought I'd find myself in one. Me? Never. I'm not weak.

And I couldn't have been more wrong. Not about being weak. Fuck me, you've got to be strong as an ox to survive it not just physically but mentally too.

You can get out yes, (a lot of the time it takes planning and back up strategies) but we're pretty much all aware that leaving is statistically the most lethal point of the relationship, so by making that move, you're stepping onto a path you know you might die from. Imagine how scary that is. That's just one of the places they've got you under control, coz while you're with them they haven't killed you yet have they? So ya know.... better the devil you know just in case?

You see, the saddest part is at the time you do make that decision..... it's because you've given up on life anyway and would rather die trying to leave than live one more day in the hell that envelopes you.

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

I wonder if it's harder to escape a dull relationship than a toxic one. If I was in a toxic one I'd be gone like a shot.

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