FabSwingers.com forum: Dad jokes please

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hit me with your best jokes please

A couple of cows were smoking

and playing poker.

The steaks were high.

(I may steal them

)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aughty but nice...Man
over a year ago

Staffs

Bono and the Edge walk into a pub

The barmen says " not U2 again"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

I wish I could think of some. My mind goes blank when I see a thread like this.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eralt80Man
over a year ago

cork

What kind of bees produce milk?

Boobies

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rFunBoyMan
over a year ago

Longridge

Search YouTube for Jethro..

I bought my wife a car for Christmas. She said ‘that’s no good to me, I want something that will go from 0-160 in 3 seconds’.

So I bought her bathroom scales instead.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I've just released my own fragrance.

Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *P994Man
over a year ago

Travelling

My therapist asked me what my two biggest fears were the other day. I told him confined spaces and intimacy so he took me in a small cupboard and he fucked me!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to play semi professional football.

I wasn't in it for the money,

I was in it for the kicks.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

I always say the same joke...

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other.

"You know how to drive this?"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *r SproutMan
over a year ago

the middle

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *heekychapieMan
over a year ago

Bromley

I lost my job as a bank teller.

This woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rFunBoyMan
over a year ago

Longridge

Q: how do you keep an idiot in suspense?

A: I'll tell you later

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/01/22 10:28:21]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Me and you are plain and simple people....... im plain

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *usiclover84Man
over a year ago

Birmingham

I've got the heart of a lion..........and a lifetime ban from the zoo

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *enuineCoupleCheshireBBWCouple
over a year ago

Cheshire

What's worse than a lobster on your piano

Crabs on your Organ

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What's worse than a lobster on your piano

Crabs on your Organ "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rFunBoyMan
over a year ago

Longridge

People must think I live in a lighthouse..

Men keep phoning up asking if the coast is clear!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call somebody who has no torso and no nose?

Nobody knows (nose).

“Dad, can you explain a total eclipse to me?”

“No son.”

A English man, Irish man and Scotts man walk into a bar.

The bar tender looks up from his paper and says “what is this, some kind of joke?”

How do keep somebody waiting for a long time?

Kick knock…

Knock knock,

Who there?

Angus.

Angus who?

Angus me coat up and stick kettle on love, it’s bloody freezing out there!

And lastly, a few favourites of mine from Les Dawson:

So it’s been a sad week. We had to cancel the mother-in-laws funeral. She survived.

It all started when I was out in town and I saw my mother-in-law getting beaten up by 5 or 6 big burly men. My friend asked me “aren’t you going to help?” So I said “no. 5 or 6 of them should be enough.”

They took her to the hospital she was in a really bad way. The doctor told me and the wife she was literally at deaths door. I told the doctor don’t worry though, we’ll pull her through it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

How do you make Antifreeze?

lock her outside

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

Bad news the paperboy blow away.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ickeyblueeyes7Man
over a year ago

newport

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whiskey, the barman says certainly which one would you like, Bells, Teachers, famous grouse or even one named after yourself. The horse says what Eric

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver.

Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Shakespeare walks into a pub, the bar man says ‘You’re barred’

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?

He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your jeans.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown, sticky and starts with a p?

A shit.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Monday - Greg

Tuesday - lan

Wednesday - Greg

Thursday - lan

Friday - Greg

Saturday - lan

Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

What do you call a man that's lost his dog?

Douglas.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do you call a man that's lost his dog?

Douglas. "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *og-ManMan
over a year ago

somewhere

I’ll tell you what really annoys me; people who get well-known phrases wrong...

I mean, its not rocket surgery...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aughty GrandadMan
over a year ago

Northants

William Shakespeare walked into a pub. The landlord said "get out your Bard"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple of my mates are having a joint party for Chinese New Year and burns night.

It’s called Chinese burns night…..

I didn’t want to go, but they twisted my arm.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Long queue at the bank, when I got to the cashier she said

'Sorry about your wait sir'

I replied 'you're not so slim yourself '

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A ghost walks into a bar and the bartender asks "what'll you have?".

Ghost replies.."I'm here for the Boos"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rFunBoyMan
over a year ago

Longridge

Ever seen a white elephant?

Turn pants pockets out, unzip fly and pull cock out..

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ysyphusMan
over a year ago

Starbase K-7

"Ever seen a white elephant?

Turn pants pockets out, unzip fly and pull cock out.."

That'snot a dad joke, that's an application to go on the sex offenders register!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

Reminds me of a WILTY episode.

https://youtu.be/Q1dqNms-_XA

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I heard they are developing a new bubble type chocolate bar over in Beijing but it might just be a Chinese whisper...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife moved out 15 years ago and I have to say that advert on TV is 100% true

Washing machine do live longer with cow gone

Thats one of my old man's jokes and yes mam did leave him 15 years ago

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to have a boomerang. And then I forgot. And then it came back to me...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I used to have a boomerang. And then I forgot. And then it came back to me... "

I had a boomerang and when I threw it it never came back... or wait it was a stick

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Walked into the butchers yesterday and said to the guy behind the counter ‘I bet you £50 you can’t reach the meat on the top shelf’.

He said ‘I’m not taking that bet, the steaks are too high’

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Anybody had any windmill pie?????

If it comes around get a slice

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?

Fucking awful.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

What do you call a Spaniard who lost a trainer?

Juan San Shoe.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I have 7 apples in one hand a 7 in the other what do I have.....

Yep fooking big hands

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A donkey. Just because it's disabled doesn't make it anything else you judgemental cunt.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/01/22 15:09:42]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet. The longer it's in, the stronger it gets. You pull it out and it starts to sag... Oops! It's not what you think, it's a Tea Bag!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *r SproutMan
over a year ago

the middle

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *otPrinceHarryMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

I took my girlfriend to a lovely little place run by some Italians.

It was called "Italy."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”"

Hahaha, this made me laugh out loud

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *r SproutMan
over a year ago

the middle

"My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”

Hahaha, this made me laugh out loud

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ndyn50000Man
over a year ago

Birmingham

What did the constipated mathematician do....

....he worked it out with a pencil

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Isabel

Isabel who?

Isabel not working.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uckABCMan
over a year ago

sheffield

Is diarrhoea hereditary because it’s in my genes

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What kind of bees produce milk?

Boobies

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *b32Man
over a year ago

yorkshire

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

Mexicans are making a offer to get to the front of commercial cloning technology.- buy Juan, get Juan free!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rTongueMan
over a year ago

...

What’s the difference between a giraffe and a JCB?

One has hydraulics the other has high bollocks

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colour blind.

The diagnosis came out of the purple.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colour blind.

The diagnosis came out of the purple."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

Pull yourself together man

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Travelling

What's Forest Gumps account password?

1Forest1

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *asilyled1Man
over a year ago

ogmore valley

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Open the door and you’ll find out you daft twat

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and

late for work.

I thought, "I don't have time for this

shit.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Brought my dog to the vets cos he wasnt well, vet lifted him up in the air & said sorry but im going to have to put him down.

I said why?

He said.....cos he's too heavy

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Were do you weigh a pie?

A: somewhere over the rainbow

(Sing it)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lly1964Man
over a year ago

high wycombe

Woman says to man

‘ you have a very small organ

Well it’s never played in a cathedral before

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I saw a microbiologist today.

He was much bigger than I expected.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You know who I don’t like ???

Who ??

Lollipop lady’s

Why ???

Just make me cross

????

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You know who I don’t like ???

Who ??

Lollipop lady’s

Why ???

Just make me cross

????"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ategoodbyeMan
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

“My wife’s got two cunts, and I’m one of them.”

Well, Roy Chubby Brown /is/ a Dad.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was younger and on my way to school, a man used to follow me saying "I fuck your mother, I fuck your mother". Eventually we would get to school and I would say "ok bye dad".

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here's one I told earlier and which hardly anyone saw (because a fat, speccy, beardy bloke posted it instead of a buxom, bubbly blonde):

I took my mum out for lunch this weekend. About 10 minutes after we sat down she put the menu to one side and said she fancied a quickie. I said “Mother, it’s pronounced quiche!”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Woo.

Woo who?

Yes, I'm excited too!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a pussy and a cock?

I don't know why you are asking me but I think need a second doctors opinion....

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm just posting so I can keep track of this thread!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Here's one I told earlier and which hardly anyone saw (because a fat, speccy, beardy bloke posted it instead of a buxom, bubbly blonde):

I took my mum out for lunch this weekend. About 10 minutes after we sat down she put the menu to one side and said she fancied a quickie. I said “Mother, it’s pronounced quiche!”"

No, your mum wanted a quicky and that's what I gave her. Also your mum is fat. JOKE. M

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll, or you’re taking shit from someone

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rab74Man
over a year ago

Huntingdon

Doctor, please help me - I keep dreaming I'm having sex with a packet of biscuits.

What kind of biscuits, son?

Cheese biscuits, doc.

Sorry lad, I'm afraid you're fucking crackers.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ewbie1232000Man
over a year ago

Gorleston

What's leather and sounds like a sneeze

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What ?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *drian52Man
over a year ago

Derby

What do you call a blind deer

No eye deer

What do you call a blind deer with no legs??

Still no eye deer

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The doctor told me today I had two months to live. I demanded a second opinion. He said 'Ok, you're an ugly bastard as well'.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ewbie1232000Man
over a year ago

Gorleston

A shoe lol

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a blind deer

No eye deer

What do you call a blind deer with no legs??

Still no eye deer"

What do you call a blind deer with no legs or balls?

Still no fucking eye deer.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A shoe !!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

I lost my pizza cutter. I had to use a Bryan Adams CD.

It cuts like a knife.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ale32Man
over a year ago

blackburn

My friend said nothing rhymes with orange,

I said no it doesn’t

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *exyPirateMan
over a year ago

Cambridge

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *bsolutley FabMan
over a year ago

Fareham

What do you call a Magician that has lost his Magic….IAN

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

How much does a roof cost?

Nothing, it's on the house.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ncutgemMan
over a year ago

Bath ish

He took her out in the fog and missed

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ncutgemMan
over a year ago

Bath ish

"He took her out in the fog and missed"

Sorry mist

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How can you tell if a man is Mexican?

Ask if he's Juan

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yesterday the doctor told me I was colour blind

The diagnosis came out of the purple

Anyone interested in buying my Delorian, great condition and low mileage

Only driven from time to time

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My son, Luke, loves how I named our

kids after Star Wars characters...

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so

much.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ang Average guyMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Have you heard about the new tampax with glitter on.

They've brought it out just in time for the Xmas period

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are locked in a light sabre battle.

In a tight clinch Vader whispers "I know what you're getting for your birthday"

Luke pushes his opponent away and they fight on.

In the next clinch Vader growls "I know what you will be getting for Christmas."

Luke is distraught." How can you know all of this?" Luke pleads.

Vader calmly lowers his lights sabre and replies.....

"I have felt your presents"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What starts with "W" and ends with "T". It does, it really does...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

"Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are locked in a light sabre battle.

In a tight clinch Vader whispers "I know what you're getting for your birthday"

Luke pushes his opponent away and they fight on.

In the next clinch Vader growls "I know what you will be getting for Christmas."

Luke is distraught." How can you know all of this?" Luke pleads.

Vader calmly lowers his lights sabre and replies.....

"I have felt your presents"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy stops by the pub on the way home from the doctors..

"What's the matter?" Seamus asks as he walks in.

Paddy replies: "I haven't been feeling meself recently."

"Good!" says Seamus. "That was a nasty little habit you had!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is the definition of impossibility??

Sticking your arse out of the window running down stairs and throwing stones at it

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What’s the definition of surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A: A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wi-fi.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Apparently you’re meant to turn your car lights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How am I meant to know when it raining in Sweden?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Apparently you’re meant to turn your car lights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How am I meant to know when it raining in Sweden? "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rsandBooMan
over a year ago

Reading

Why did the washing machine laugh?

Cause it was taking the piss out of the knickers

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Bill Gates farted in an apple store and stank up the entire place.

But it´s their own fault for not having windows...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Bill Gates farted in an apple store and stank up the entire place.

But it´s their own fault for not having windows...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Bill Gates farted in an apple store and stank up the entire place.

But it´s their own fault for not having windows...

Now that is funny lol xxx

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a tablet this afternoon one half was valium and the other half was viagra..... so if I don't get a fuck I don't give a fuck hahahahahah

Anyone want some???

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the one eyed chicken cross the road

To get to the bird's-eye shop

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Walked into our village shop the other day and the bloke in front me says to the owner, 'Can I have a box of grass seed?' 'There you go' he says. 'Do you want a lawnmower as well?' 'Why?' asked the bloke a bit confused. Shopkeeper says, 'Well, when the seed germinates, you're gonna need to cut it'. 'Good point' replies the customer, and buys seed and the mower.

My turn next...'Can I have a box of Tampax for the wife'.

Bloke behind the counter says, 'Do want to buy a lawnmower as well?'

'What the hell do I want a lawnmower for?'

He says, 'Well now your weekend's fucked, you might as well cut the grass!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I often wondered why frisbees got bigger the closer they got......

Then it hit me....!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Some guy just called me a 'Tool'.

So, I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mum always used to say; "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach".

Nice lady, terrible surgeon...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A pig breeder in Norfolk has been feeding his animals Marmite…

One sow has given birth to fifteen twiglets.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *av3r1ckMan
over a year ago

Northampton

"I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and

late for work.

I thought, "I don't have time for this

shit."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man went to the doctors with a frog growing out the side of his head.

Doctor asks how that started.

Frog says it started as a boil on my arse

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Man went to the doctors with a frog growing out the side of his head.

Doctor asks how that started.

Frog says it started as a boil on my arse"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two checkout girls at ASDA. One says to other "you can tell the single guys from the married guys, watch this"

Man approaches checkout.

One Egg

One sausage

One bacon

One tin of beans

One mushroom

One tomato

"Youre single arent you?"

Guy says "yeah, how you know?"

"Because youre a right ugly cunt"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A FISH!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A FISH! "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Two checkout girls at ASDA. One says to other "you can tell the single guys from the married guys, watch this"

Man approaches checkout.

One Egg

One sausage

One bacon

One tin of beans

One mushroom

One tomato

"Youre single arent you?"

Guy says "yeah, how you know?"

"Because youre a right ugly cunt"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just been found guilty of not using any full stops. My lawyer is expecting a long sentence.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A prostitute is involved in a car crash, and is temporarily blinded. She tells the attending policeman 'I can't see anything'.

The policeman says 'OK, let's check' and raises three fingers. 'How many fingers have I got up?'

'Oh no' she wails 'I'm blind and paralysed'.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Irishman on the roof of a burning building in London.

Fireman holding a sheet for him to jump onto. "Jump, we will catch you"

"No chance" says the Irishman. "You english hate us irish. If i jump youll pull the sheet away. Put the sheet on the floor and then ill jump"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

Nothing, he was gladiator

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Everyone laughed and mocked when I said I was going to post jokes to this thread.

Well, they aren't laughing now.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Everyone laughed and mocked when I said I was going to post jokes to this thread.

Well, they aren't laughing now."

This made me laugh way more than it should have

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *abonWoman
over a year ago

L’boro/Ashby & Cheltenham

"A couple of my mates are having a joint party for Chinese New Year and burns night.

It’s called Chinese burns night…..

I didn’t want to go, but they twisted my arm."

Very timely too lol!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up.

Pulp Fiction.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is “buttcheeks” one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Is “buttcheeks” one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pulp Fiction."

Spank me

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ategoodbyeMan
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

"Everyone laughed and mocked when I said I was going to post jokes to this thread.

Well, they aren't laughing now."

Everyone said “fuck you” when I said I was going to join fabswingers.

Well, they aren’t fucking me now.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do conspiracy theorists and Excel have in common?

They spreadsheet.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof."

I properly laughed out loud at this

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

What do

Rupert THE Bear

Catherine THE Great

and

Ivan THE Terrible

all have in common?

'same middle name

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do

Rupert THE Bear

Catherine THE Great

and

Ivan THE Terrible

all have in common?

'same middle name

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

Where do dentists go in holiday?

Floss Vegas

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Apologies in advance…

A woman sees a sign in a pet shop window -

PUSSY LICKING FROG £25

She walks in and says “I'd like to see the pussy licking frog"

The man behind the counter says “Bonjour”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't do dad joked, but I do like to think that when I pass on, I will go like him, so calm, quiet and peaceful.

Unlike those noisy sods on his bus.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Apologies in advance…

A woman sees a sign in a pet shop window -

PUSSY LICKING FROG £25

She walks in and says “I'd like to see the pussy licking frog"

The man behind the counter says “Bonjour”"

Haha! I love this one

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Nothing to do with being dyslexic, he's also blind!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Nothing to do with being dyslexic, he's also blind!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the differance between an enzyme and a hormone?

You cant hear an enzyme

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *alaciousCurvesWoman
over a year ago

Gainsborough

Two fish swimming in a river when it begins to rain.

"Quick!" Says one fish to the other, "Let's swim under that bridge before we get wet!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *alaciousCurvesWoman
over a year ago

Gainsborough

I would tell you a joke about sodium but Na, you wouldn't get it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I would tell you a joke about sodium but Na, you wouldn't get it."

Lol nice

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *avie65Man
over a year ago

In the west.

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Three men are marooned on an island desperately seeking a way to get off.

A cannibal approaches them and flops his penis out.

"If the length of your three penises together is as big as mine, then I'll show you how to get off the island. Otherwise you'll be killed and eaten."

The native's nob was an incredible 20 inches.

Getting off to a good start, the first man shows off his impressive 10 inches.

The second man produces a 9-inch dick.

Feeling confident, they urge the third man to get his tackle out. He does so and reveals just one inch of manhood. After some nail-biting calculations the cannibal says:

"Okay fellas, you've managed to come up with the goods: I'll let you use my boat to escape."

As they were sailing to safety, the first bloke mentions how lucky they are that he's so well endowed.

Likewise, the second bloke suggests that they are truly blessed at the length, of his schlong.

The third guy pipes up "... and you're damn lucky I had an erection!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ogger130Man
over a year ago

Far North

What do you call a man with a spade in his head...

Dug

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ogger130Man
over a year ago

Far North

What do you call a man with a gull on his head

Cliff

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *inkyfun2013Couple
over a year ago

lewisham

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's not funny!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's raining cats and dogs out there. I just stepped in a poodle.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rcticFoxxxWoman
over a year ago

Hereabouts

What's blue and not heavy?

Light blue.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aptain Caveman41Man
over a year ago

Home

[Removed by poster at 29/01/22 00:44:37]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mother in law went to a beauty parlour and got a mud pack. For two days, she looked beautiful. Then the mud fell off.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aptain Caveman41Man
over a year ago

Home

What's pink and fluffy

Pink fluf

Whats blue and fluffy

Pink fluf in disguise

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll never forget my grandads dying words 'Fuck me, a bus'.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

For hispanic attacks.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts.

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately