FabSwingers.com forum: New Job dilemma

By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

Hi Guys

Looking for advice and maybe someone who has had the same experience.

At the start of the month I received an email from LinkedIn about a job role. Due to my experience I was asked if I would be interested.

However the role is 170 miles away from where I live currently. But it is with a well known business that if I said it’s name you’d immediately know what they make and sell. One of the main points within the job description is they do not do ‘home working’ although the role could easily be done at my desk at home. So a relocation package is also on the table.

So what am I asking from you wise lot ?

It’s moving away from a new relationship (she knows about my crossdressing so that hurdle is done).

My Children who I’m in a court battle currently to get regular access to again.

The risk of a new job and what if it doesn’t work out.

On the plus side, I would almost be doubling my wages and moving to what appears to be a very nice area. But the main one is a job that will require me at times to go to offices around the world and as it’s a new team even mould it around my skill set.

What do you think ?

Could I maintain a relationship with both my new partner and children with such a distance ? Especially as me and their mother aren’t exactly talking to each other now.

Also found someone who is accepting of my crossdressing, but due to her job and new home probably wouldn’t be keen to move so far away from her kids and family. So is their a future ?

Still got to have a formal interview with the business so nothing guaranteed, but obviously I’m not sure what to do if the offer does come through.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

How old are your children?

If it was me I'd opt to stay near them but children aren't children for ever. Looking at it from an emotional point of view I'd stay put. From a financial point of view I'd go for the new job

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"How old are your children?

If it was me I'd opt to stay near them but children aren't children for ever. Looking at it from an emotional point of view I'd stay put. From a financial point of view I'd go for the new job"

7 & 11 so they’re not toddlers but still young. I only have them once a fortnight for the weekend and during school holidays.

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Could you retire from this job eventually

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

I knew an international traveller who found it extremely isolating being away from home. Yes you are busy in a rat race but air miles, hotel stays, 'schmoosing' and near what you say 'building from ground up' quickly wear thin. If you're used to it, it's second nature but if not it's a drain.

If you're trying to balance your life out where it is it's doubtful you'll get to see them much. (just my opinion)

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"Could you retire from this job eventually "

I think this job would be my last before retirement. Also the first time I’m being offered a really good package of benefits. I am on a reserve list for a Civil Service Job, but although that is commutable from where I live, it’s still only offering a few more thousand to work for them.

Government over business it’s always businesses that pay more.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can't help much as really only you can decide but I no if I'd taken a job I'd been offered my ex would have done so much damage to the kids that I'd definitely would have lost them money isn't everything im so glad I stayed local for them now have 2 beautiful grandsons that I wouldn't have even seen and a brilliant relationship with the no so young kids even though was has moved miles away and others aren't in same village but the yrs I've spent with them is priceless.

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"I knew an international traveller who found it extremely isolating being away from home. Yes you are busy in a rat race but air miles, hotel stays, 'schmoosing' and near what you say 'building from ground up' quickly wear thin. If you're used to it, it's second nature but if not it's a drain.

If you're trying to balance your life out where it is it's doubtful you'll get to see them much. (just my opinion)"

That I suppose I’m asking in a way. I’d like both a good job and maintain a good relationship with my kids and partner. But 170 miles seems like 100 miles too much.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Trust your gut as you'll have to live with the decision.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Personally I think go for it. It’s a career worth having and the extra money means you can treat the kids etc. if you drive you can pick them up and the partner etc. life’s too short not to take these opportunities

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thats a crazy position to be in, I can see why its a tough one.

Personally I'd stay put, you sound as though your in a well paid job in the first place for such an opportunity to arise.

You have a happy relationship with someone that loves you for you, thats hard to find these days.

But the biggest thing is your kids, you clearly want to see them more regularly and are fighting for that opportunity. Moving away will be counter productive and will almost certainly damage your relationship with them.

I had a similar decision to make, but knew that my kids who are similar ages to yours would have seen this as me abandoning them.

I stayed. But ultimately its your decision and only you know whats right for you and people you love.

I wish you all the best.

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"Can't help much as really only you can decide but I no if I'd taken a job I'd been offered my ex would have done so much damage to the kids that I'd definitely would have lost them money isn't everything im so glad I stayed local for them now have 2 beautiful grandsons that I wouldn't have even seen and a brilliant relationship with the no so young kids even though was has moved miles away and others aren't in same village but the yrs I've spent with them is priceless."

Absolutely agree and I would definitely maintain a relationship with my children. They definitely come first, it’s whether I could do it from a distance easily or not.

Other people’s experiences may help,

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By *inkyeroticaCouple
over a year ago

Ampthill

I (make half) have been through the court battle to get access to kids in a case so fraught that I end d up with full sole custody. At the time my kids were a similar age to yours.

I would suggest that you need a discussion with your legal advisors and any CAFCAAS workers assigned to your case to see what impact being that far away from your children would have on your position. Remember, they should be able m partial and be looking out for the best interests of your children above and beyond those of the father and mother.

Feel free to discuss by PM as soon his is very personal stuff best kept off a forum.

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"Personally I think go for it. It’s a career worth having and the extra money means you can treat the kids etc. if you drive you can pick them up and the partner etc. life’s too short not to take these opportunities "

That’s part of why I have to consider it. I more working life behind me than in front of me. So I doubt this opportunity will come again.

But currently it’s not an offer just yet, but they seem quite keen to speak to me soon.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely agree and I would definitely maintain a relationship with my children. They definitely come first, it’s whether I could do it from a distance easily or not.

Other people’s experiences may help, "
only problem with distance is your not there if they want you now and your relying on everyone on the Rd being clear you know your children and ex so hard decision I turned down my dream job in a stunning location and still happy I never took it .

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By *host63Man
over a year ago

Bedfont Feltham

Depends on what you want your work life balance to be dosent it?

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"I (make half) have been through the court battle to get access to kids in a case so fraught that I end d up with full sole custody. At the time my kids were a similar age to yours.

Feel free to discuss by PM as soon his is very personal stuff best kept off a forum."

Absolutely I don’t and won’t discuss the court case on here. Cafcass have been involved but my last hearing is this month so the access should be sorted before any job offer.

No matter what my kids are the priority but the extra money would benefit them in the long term,

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"How old are your children?

If it was me I'd opt to stay near them but children aren't children for ever. Looking at it from an emotional point of view I'd stay put. From a financial point of view I'd go for the new job

7 & 11 so they’re not toddlers but still young. I only have them once a fortnight for the weekend and during school holidays. "

Ok. How would they get to you if you lived 170 miles away? Would you do the round trip twice every two weeks, would they be happy with that? In a few years your 11 year old isn't going to want to be the best part of 200 miles from their friends in the school holiday. How about when you're abroad, would you be able to get home fortnightly?

Jobs come and go, children need their dad. That's my take on it

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I (make half) have been through the court battle to get access to kids in a case so fraught that I end d up with full sole custody. At the time my kids were a similar age to yours.

Feel free to discuss by PM as soon his is very personal stuff best kept off a forum.

Absolutely I don’t and won’t discuss the court case on here. Cafcass have been involved but my last hearing is this month so the access should be sorted before any job offer.

No matter what my kids are the priority but the extra money would benefit them in the long term, "

Your presence would benefit them more in my opinion.

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"Thats a crazy position to be in, I can see why its a tough one.

Personally I'd stay put, you sound as though your in a well paid job in the first place for such an opportunity to arise.

You have a happy relationship with someone that loves you for you, thats hard to find these days.

I had a similar decision to make, but knew that my kids who are similar ages to yours would have seen this as me abandoning them.

I stayed. But ultimately its your decision and only you know whats right for you and people you love.

I wish you all the best.

Thanks, luckily it’s not an issue I have just yet. But the guy is very keen I speak to the business soon.

Putting it on here allows me to see others perspective or experiences with the distance.

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By *inkyeroticaCouple
over a year ago

Ampthill

"Your presence would benefit them more in my opinion."

Mine too!

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By *heonix_flamesWoman
over a year ago

Midlands

My view is go for it and see what happens. You only need to make a tough decision if they offer it to you, and if they do and they really want you then you can negotiate- like you could you do the Friday and the Monday around the weekends you have your kids wfh and in the office the rest of the time? I don’t think you need to agonise over it at this stage as you’ll stress yourself out. Wait and see what happens.

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"My view is go for it and see what happens. You only need to make a tough decision if they offer it to you, and if they do and they really want you then you can negotiate- like you could you do the Friday and the Monday around the weekends you have your kids wfh and in the office the rest of the time? I don’t think you need to agonise over it at this stage as you’ll stress yourself out. Wait and see what happens. "

Exactly it’s not been offered yet. I have also thought about the negotiations over seeing my kids with the business. So I may be able to sort something out.

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"I (make half) have been through the court battle to get access to kids in a case so fraught that I end d up with full sole custody. At the time my kids were a similar age to yours.

Feel free to discuss by PM as soon his is very personal stuff best kept off a forum.

Absolutely I don’t and won’t discuss the court case on here. Cafcass have been involved but my last hearing is this month so the access should be sorted before any job offer.

No matter what my kids are the priority but the extra money would benefit them in the long term,

Your presence would benefit them more in my opinion."

Their best interests are in the forefront of any decision I make.

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

You have to wonder what company would be searching so hard to find someone 170miles away. Either you have a very specific skill set, there are very few takers or they have had no luck with local candidates (mix of all three potentially).

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

^no harm in going to the interview mind.

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"You have to wonder what company would be searching so hard to find someone 170miles away. Either you have a very specific skill set, there are very few takers or they have had no luck with local candidates (mix of all three potentially)."

It’s a specific role they need to recruit for and I have experience in several areas. Also a few certificates that civilians generally don’t hold outside of a serving or ex Police Officer.

So I’m weak in some of the job role but very strong in other areas. This type of position doesn’t come up very often, but when they do I often get emails from recruiters.

It’s why I think I have a very good chance of securing the job.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I (make half) have been through the court battle to get access to kids in a case so fraught that I end d up with full sole custody. At the time my kids were a similar age to yours.

Feel free to discuss by PM as soon his is very personal stuff best kept off a forum.

Absolutely I don’t and won’t discuss the court case on here. Cafcass have been involved but my last hearing is this month so the access should be sorted before any job offer.

No matter what my kids are the priority but the extra money would benefit them in the long term,

Your presence would benefit them more in my opinion.

Their best interests are in the forefront of any decision I make. "

I'm sure they are.

I don't envy you the decision.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only in the uk so we find 100 odd miles long

The uk fits in to the state off texas but that aside

I would say happys over job any day off the week

At the moment your close to family and you found someone who accepts the real you that’s very rare I know first hand

If long distance isn’t a option I would say happynes over job

Do what you thinks best for you op

And wish you the best off luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How long is 170 miles in drive time? It can depend on roads/ location so surely can range from 3 to 5 hours.

Would your little kids want to drive for 5 hours to get back home after a weekend with you? Or maybe you could rent somewhere close to them so you could all stay there every other weekend.

If your relationship isn't great with your ex, might she try and use the distance against you?

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

"How old are your children?

If it was me I'd opt to stay near them but children aren't children for ever. Looking at it from an emotional point of view I'd stay put. From a financial point of view I'd go for the new job

7 & 11 so they’re not toddlers but still young. I only have them once a fortnight for the weekend and during school holidays.

Jobs come and go, children need their dad. That's my take on it "

This would be my bottom line too.

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By *coobyBoobyDooWoman
over a year ago

Markfield

170 miles from where you are now is likely to be a 4.5 hour drive. Are you happy to drive for 9 hours either side of the weekend with your kids to pick them up and drop them off? That’s Friday afternoon and evening gone if you pick them up after school then if you have to drop them back to school on a Monday morning you’ll be setting off at 4am and not starting work until 2pm or drop them back Sunday night you’ll be driving all afternoon and evening again so effectively getting only Saturday all day and Sunday morning with them and 9 hours together in the car once a fortnight and presumably seeing partner the other weekend so one of other of you driving 4.5 hours each way roughly. On top of all the travel for work. Unless it really is the best job in the horror of the world ever with an all expenses paid relocation package, final salary pension and chauffeur then you may wish to stay put until non drive Uber is invented. Tough choice tho. What are your inner thoughts?

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

"170 miles from where you are now is likely to be a 4.5 hour drive. Are you happy to drive for 9 hours either side of the weekend with your kids to pick them up and drop them off? That’s Friday afternoon and evening gone if you pick them up after school then if you have to drop them back to school on a Monday morning you’ll be setting off at 4am and not starting work until 2pm or drop them back Sunday night you’ll be driving all afternoon and evening again so effectively getting only Saturday all day and Sunday morning with them and 9 hours together in the car once a fortnight and presumably seeing partner the other weekend so one of other of you driving 4.5 hours each way roughly. On top of all the travel for work. Unless it really is the best job in the horror of the world ever with an all expenses paid relocation package, final salary pension and chauffeur then you may wish to stay put until non drive Uber is invented. Tough choice tho. What are your inner thoughts? "

Inner thoughts constantly think it’s my dream job so I can make it work. My rational side says it’s in the wrong place.

I’ll go to the interview and discuss my issues with them and if they can’t facilitate a solution, then I’ll turn it down.

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By *tephTV67 OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

Thanks everyone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldn't be away from my kids.

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By *ooking4othersMan
over a year ago

Here ...

When my kids were that age I got an offer to lead a project in the US and I took it. At the time it was a tough decision but kids adapt quickly to any situation.

When I discuss it with my kids now they barely remember being apart but they do remember the times we did spend together as our time together was more focused.

They enjoyed travelling to the US and other locations where I stayed at that time, particularly the pool and flying business class everywhere.

They have reaped the financial benefits that this opportunity lead to including cars and house deposits for them.

To me a few hours driving is nothing.

When it came to my partner at that time it was tough but we got thru it.

Hopefully this gives you some real life experience to help balance your decision but good luck whatever you decide to do.

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By *orruptionandliesMan
over a year ago

leeds

I have changed jobs for package before and it is not the be all and end. I would ask are you happy in your current role and the parts which you are, will the new role match them elements

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only you can decide that. Every person's life experience and situation is different. Children aren't children for ever, and all they want is to see both parents. You also have to think about your mental health . People can advise of their own situation however ultimately it will be different to yours and only you can make that choice.

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By *oxyFemme72Woman
over a year ago

Glasgow

[Removed by poster at 13/01/22 07:14:26]

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By *oxyFemme72Woman
over a year ago

Glasgow

It's my job to give advice on things like this.

Go for it - it's a two way process.

If they offer you the job, they want you. Negotiate home working with travel to them alternate weeks or something.

You don't have a decision to make until you complete the process. You may go for a meeting and decide the role, culture isn't for you.

You'll have no regrets and know you made an informed decision.

Hope that helps

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By *oxyFemme72Woman
over a year ago

Glasgow

"When my kids were that age I got an offer to lead a project in the US and I took it. At the time it was a tough decision but kids adapt quickly to any situation.

When I discuss it with my kids now they barely remember being apart but they do remember the times we did spend together as our time together was more focused.

They enjoyed travelling to the US and other locations where I stayed at that time, particularly the pool and flying business class everywhere.

They have reaped the financial benefits that this opportunity lead to including cars and house deposits for them.

To me a few hours driving is nothing.

When it came to my partner at that time it was tough but we got thru it.

Hopefully this gives you some real life experience to help balance your decision but good luck whatever you decide to do.

Great personal advice!

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By *urplechesterCouple
over a year ago

chester

I personally wouldn’t go there if money was the main hook to make you leave. Obviously only you can make that decision on what you feel is best for your situation, i hope it all works out for you either way

Miss pc

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I personally wouldn’t go there if money was the main hook to make you leave. Obviously only you can make that decision on what you feel is best for your situation, i hope it all works out for you either way

Miss pc "

I agree , I wouldn’t just do it if the incentive was the money and you were generally happy where you are, with your new relationship and fighting for the kids and are happy where you live.

But it’s a decision you have to make yourself considering everything.

Money might bring stability and security, but it won’t necessarily bring happiness.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

I couldn’t have lived 170 miles from my young children for all the money in the world. Just me. Don’t know your entire circumstances.

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By *umalotagainMan
over a year ago

a town called malice

That’s a tough one

Years ago my wife worked for a big corporate she successfully ran a team in the uk reporting into the USA and the there was a new big boss didn’t like that fact she was in the uk she was offered a substantial package to move to the USA, slightly different situation in that we don’t have kids but at the time All 4 parents were alive but reaching a point of life where they might need a bit more help, and my business was about 5 years in and starting to gain some decent traction…… long story short we turned down $1mil !!!!! Best decision we ever made, new big boss turned out to be an ass and those who did move across all moved back within a year,

The grass may seem greener but you have to look at all the outcomes and establish if the grass is astroturf.

On the other hand it might be the best thing they ever happens to you and the increase in salary could bring you benefits in terms of being able to do more with the kids in holidays or help find their university education etc etc

Good luck in whatever you decide

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By *elinefineWoman
over a year ago

kempston

I applied for a job last year which is 100 miles from home. I don’t have children but do have a bit of a zoo that wouldn’t be easy or financially viable to relocate. I spoke to them before I applied and put it to them about home working and reached an agreement that as long as I agreed to work from their base two days a week then the rest of the time home working would be a possibility. The role will also require travel, regardless of where I am based long term.

I have been offered the job and have accepted. I know that there will be some short term pain for long term gain and it has still been agreed that I can work from home. Always worth asking

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's my job to give advice on things like this.

Go for it - it's a two way process.

If they offer you the job, they want you. Negotiate home working with travel to them alternate weeks or something.

You don't have a decision to make until you complete the process. You may go for a meeting and decide the role, culture isn't for you.

You'll have no regrets and know you made an informed decision.

Hope that helps

Are you a careers advisor?

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