FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I was shagging the missus last night when she started moaning that we never have normal sex anymore...and that I'm obsessed with doing it like they do in porn films...

Typical of her to start an argument in front of all my mates....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aul94Man
over a year ago

Blackpool

My wife's a porn star, she's going to kill me when she finds out !

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

ELEPHANT LOOKS AT A MAN IN THE NUDE AND SAYS HOW DO YOU DRINK WITH THAT lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was shagging the missus last night when she started moaning that we never have normal sex anymore...and that I'm obsessed with doing it like they do in porn films...

Typical of her to start an argument in front of all my mates...."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

After hot passionate sex last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said "You know, You are by far the biggest I've ever had"Apparently, "Ditto" is no the right response...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Phone rings, woman answers, the pervert on the other end says "I bet you have a tight arse and no hair" so the woman replies "Yes, he's watching the footy, who shall I say is calling?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uggers nemesisCouple
over a year ago

london

I have two weeks to live

The missus is going away for a fortnight

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ssexguy69Man
over a year ago

thurrock Essex

the human body has seven trilion nerves, isnt it amazing that women know how to get on every fuckin one of them

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Police have just raided Kermits lily pad & found 100's of naked pictures of Miss Piggy. An officer said it Woz the worst case of Frogs porn they'd ever seen.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was shagging the missus last night when she started moaning that we never have normal sex anymore...and that I'm obsessed with doing it like they do in porn films...

Typical of her to start an argument in front of all my mates...."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will

warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother

again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,

don't they!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OUR LASS PUT HER HAND UNDER THE BED COVERS SHE SAID FUCK ME YOUR HUGE lol I SAID YOUR PULLING MY LEG lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Little Tommy on a farm runs indoors "Mummy! Mummy! The bull's fucking the cow!"

His mum says "No Tommy, you must be polite and say 'the bull is surprising the cow'".

Later on Tommy runs in again.

"Mummy! Mummy! The bull's surprising all the cows!"

His mum says "No Tommy, the bull can't be surprising all the cows".

Tommy replies "Oh yes he can; He's fucking the horse!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?

stephen hawking after a housefire

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't understand women.

Last night my missus had me sucking her toes, tonguing her arse, and practically begged me to lick her fanny......then this morning, I take a swig of milk from the carton and get bollocked ......... because apparently thats DISGUSTING!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

did you hear about the gay dyslexic who thought saling all his cd's would cure him of HMV

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *anda man.Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Breaking news,a group of angry dyslexic parents have kicked the fuck out of Jimmy Somerville.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife put some Viagra in my tea last night to see if that would help me, it done fuck all for my sex life but it keeps my biscuits nice and hard.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

BREAKING... Coastguards confirm Jimmy Savile is not dead.

He's been spotted off the Scarborough coast bobbing up and down on a small buoy!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *azzasheeneMan
over a year ago

kent

What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

I cry when i cut up an onion.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw Michael J Fox in my local garden centre today. At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuschia!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ue care and attentionWoman
over a year ago

birmingham

NEVER ASSUME MEN UNDERSTAND! A wife had been in a coma for months and suddenly when the nurses were washing her private parts they noticed the heart monitor change. So they told the husband that a little oral sex might bring her round. They drew the curtains but after a few minutes her monitor flatlined- no pulse no heartbeat. When the nurses asked him what happened he replied "I think she choked".

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When will these Jimmy savile allegations ever end?Police are now saying that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Alan Pardew, Manager of Newcastle United FC, has urged his players to put the recent controversy regarding the club's new sponsor Wonga behind them, and go out on the pitch and give 4,389%

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *padger1066Man
over a year ago

Out and about

What do you call a woman with 2 cunts? .......... Jedwoods mum! Xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

A mate just called me in tears

his wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish! Poor bastard,

NO WOMAN NO SKY!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got my Halloween costume sorted.

Going to wear a blonde wig, big sunglasses, a sparkly tracksuit, lots of gold jewelry and a big cigar.

That'll scare the little fuxkers!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *safun09Man
over a year ago

Co Durham

I had a fight with my g/f last night. She asked me what was on the TV and I said dust

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

My next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line, I nearly shit her pants!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does a dwarf get if it runs between a woman's legs????

A clit round the ear and a flap round the face

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uckscouple2007Couple
over a year ago

Bucks

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month and get a free "Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Little Tommy on a farm runs indoors "Mummy! Mummy! The bull's fucking the cow!"

His mum says "No Tommy, you must be polite and say 'the bull is surprising the cow'".

Later on Tommy runs in again.

"Mummy! Mummy! The bull's surprising all the cows!"

His mum says "No Tommy, the bull can't be surprising all the cows".

Tommy replies "Oh yes he can; He's fucking the horse!""

Had me rolling about. Thank you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...

walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly d*unk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the international grand finals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.” “What?” the coach says in a panic, “How far down does it go?” Penelope replies, “Down to my testicles. That’s something else I want to talk to you about.”

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.” “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re done.” A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And finally.....

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.

As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

Little johnnie was sent home for using the c word in class .

His mum says "'that wasn't clever was it.!!".

"No...it was c**t mum..!!"...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with the monkies.

I did not be lieve her at first.

But then I saw her face.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke. But if you buy her the whole bottle, she will probably suck it for you as well.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *cottishrichMan
over a year ago

Here and there

Why did Nivea Cream?

Because Max Factor.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

[Removed by poster at 18/10/12 00:08:53]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By * pool 1Couple
over a year ago

Liverpool

Two fellas sitting in a pub one says to the other do you ever speak to your wife while you are having sex? his mate replys only if there is a phone handy.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went into my local library and said 'have you got a book on suicide'?

Fuck off! The woman replied, you won't bring it back!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Two more victims have come forward in the BBC abuse scandal.

They claim they were regularly fisted and fingered by an elderly man on a weekly basis and then locked away after this abuse until the next week.

Both sooty and sweep claim they where so traumatized it left them speechless!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed... "I wish u a slow and painful death u bastard!" "Oh" I replied, "so u want me to fucking stay now

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eaboMan
over a year ago

marden

this celebrity sex scandal has gone too far now. i've just heard morph was a playdohphile.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was in hospital yesterday getting a mole removed from my penis! The doctors said it went well,

but the RSPCA said if I do it again they'll prosecute!!

( i havent actually got a penis (so i say), i just liked the joke lol)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Viagra have just released a new pill called "viagra 007" it does'nt make you harder, it just makes you Rodger Moore.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots, a new ordnance survey map, a nice hand carved walking stick & a rucksack. Then I went into the Lake District, walked for about 5 miles stopped, sat on a stone wall, had a flask of coffee, Then I walked another 5 miles, had a biscuit & then I...

...oh, Sorry folks, I'm rambling!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a

long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he

thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied

while he was gone because he didn't like the idea of her

screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys

and started looking around.

He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to

another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos,

looking for something special to please his wife and started

talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained the

situation.

The old man thinks and says, " Well, I don't really know of

anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special

attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will

keep her occupied for weeks...except--" he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing at all."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well,Sir, I don't usually talk about voodoo dick'."

"So, what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man

reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box

carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a

ordinary looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, " Big

fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied,"But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He

pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo

dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started to bang

the hell out of the door and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get

back in your box!" The Voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the

box and lay back in there.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying

it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The

guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and

that to use it, all she had to do was say, " Voodoo dick, my ...."

He left for his trip, satisfied that things would be fine

while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife

was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would

willing to satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.

She got it out, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was

great, like nothing she'd experienced before. After three

orgasms, she decided she'd had enough and tried to pull it out,

but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get out and to stop.

You see, her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the

hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,

another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and this caused her

to be pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to

drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been

drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy,

and then he said, "Yeah, right Lady. Voodoo dick, my ass!!!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A little boy walks into his parents' room

Then wears a quizzical frown

When he see his Mom on top of his Dad

Bouncing up and down.

The mother quickly dismounts,

Worried about what her son saw

She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

Standing outside the door

He asks, 'What were you doing to Dad just then?'

She replies, 'Well, you know Dad is fat

He has a big tummy so sometimes

I get on top and make it flat.'

'Well, you’re just wasting your time, Mom,'

She is told by her bright young pup

Cos when you go out, the lady next door

Gets on her knees and blows it back up

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

A wife keeps nagging her husband for a boob job but he knows they cant really afford it, for months and months she keeps on, showing him adverts in the magazines and such.

Eventually he snaps 'Go to the fucking toilet, get some toilet paper and rub that between ya tits'

What good is that going to do?

'Well' he says 'It works on your arse'.

--------

I call my dog cigarette as it has no legs, I take it out for a drag every night.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker, so now I've got this annoying kenyan cunt two yards in front of me everywhere I go!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Think I've probably posted this one before, but just found it again when I was looking for something else and it does make me giggle...

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

... So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...

Can I see her wun awound?"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

Man comes home staggering dunk

His world is upsaide down with room spin

He makes a sandwhich in the kitchen using ever utensil there is and goes upstairs

He leaves his curried shit on the lounge floor

His stained trousers come off on the stairs

His boxers come off on the landing

He gets into bed and passes out.

The next morning waking up he realises what he did

He comes downstairs, the hoyse is immaculate, shirt is washed and ironed, along with his jeans.

Theres a note saying, "your breakfast is in the oven, ive gone to do the weekly shop, hope you enjoy it, ill see you later"

Worried and with a dull head he sniffs the food wondering what has been put in it.

His child is sat at the beakfast table

man: what happened last night?

child: you smashed the house up and got undressed around the house

man: so what is all this about?

child: mum asked you to make love to her and you called her a crazy bitch.

Man: I still dont understand?

Child: You told her to piss off and leave you alone as you were married.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...

walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

New tenna lady please

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a chinese woman who can lick her self out?

Won Long Tong.. Made me lol when i heard it today!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

"What do you call a chinese woman who can lick her self out?

Won Long Tong.. Made me lol when i heard it today!"

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?

Blendaaaaah

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise, Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude.

Superman thought "this is great! I'll just zip right in there, do my business, and before she knows it, I'll be gone." So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not quite knowing what hit her said "WHOA! What was that?" and the Invisible Man replied. "I don't know, but my arse sure is sore!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?

stephen hawking after a housefire"

Lolled all over at that one x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"

"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When will these Jimmy savile allegations ever end?Police are now saying that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it."

Rod Hull has also been pulled in for investigation after fisting some poor bird!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uro anchorMan
over a year ago

Coventry

Four words you dont want to hear after sex...

Hows about that then....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ackandkateCouple
over a year ago

Truro

I had a wank over an ex girlfriend last night.

I know it's wrong, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still had a key

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Men can ignore many signs of ageing, like baldness and getting fat

But you never forget the first time you sit down on your own bollocks

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The BBC have sacked Bob the Builder. They can't trust anyone who claims they can fix it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Met a girl with a plasticine fanny last week. Haven't shagged her yet but I think I've made an impression

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You only hear about all the bad things jimmy saville did but he also did some good things. He fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded when i was 8

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw a scarecrow having a wank the other day, And thought he's clutching at straws

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread