FabSwingers.com forum: Staying put cos of the children.

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

For or against?

Given the fact that children are constantly absorbing everything is it a good idea to stay in the household simply because of the children?

I personally think that all you’re teaching them is that if there’s kids involved you stay no matter what. Fine if there’s no abuse involved but what if they grow and have children if their own and then they get a partner that’s abusive, they’ve been ‘taught’ that you stay together no matter what.

Also kids learn how to be in a relationship from watching their first relationships, usually mum and dad. If they see their parents who may not necessarily argue but no affection or love shown towards each other, is that not teaching them that that is how adult relationships are?

I’ve only briefly covered this but interested in everyone’s thoughts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Against, a) they know, b) you’re just putting off the inevitable c) you’re slowly killing yourselves

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli

If the relationship isn't working I think it's does more harm if stay together if kids are involved or not. You have to do what you think is right for your own mental health.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What he said.....

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By *rooperRedMan
over a year ago

Littlehampton

Having been in that situation, it's really shit for everyone involved. The kids as well as the adults.

Kids are adaptable, they'll get through any situation. They don't need two miserable parents though.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Each individual situation is unique, what’s right/wrong for one will be the opposite for another.

You can only make these decisions on an individual basis, there are no rules.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

I think it depends. I've known couples who are no longer in love but still very close who stay living together for their kids as it works both practically and financially for them. I think if either person is miserable though it's not good for the kids to be around that. They know. My partner experienced it as a kid and his parents finally split for good when he was a teenager but he knew for a long time before that that they were unhappy.

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By *xxLandNxxxCouple
over a year ago

Nuneaton

Tried it for years didn’t work out. Now have a better relationship with my kids now I’m actually happy.

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By *ax1971Man
over a year ago

St helens

There will never be 1 answer each situation is different, a bad relationship may harm a child, or may make the child be home a better person knowing what they don't want....

A single parent can do a fantastic job with children....

And a broken marriage where parents are cival around the child but in same home can be a good thing...

So the answer is i don't know its a individual thing...

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

There is no one size fits all answer, as every situation, person and child is different.

Would be lovely, wouldn't it, if there was a simple solution

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I think it can also place unnecessary guilt on the children that they shouldn’t have to carry. Kids are only kids for 18 years and then you have the rest of your life with them as adults, adults who understand things. To be told that the only reason their parents stayed together was because of them it could make them feel guilty for robbing their parents of their chances to be truly happy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think it can also place unnecessary guilt on the children that they shouldn’t have to carry. Kids are only kids for 18 years and then you have the rest of your life with them as adults, adults who understand things. To be told that the only reason their parents stayed together was because of them it could make them feel guilty for robbing their parents of their chances to be truly happy.

Why would there be any need to tell them?

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle "

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

One of my staff at work has recently split from his wife. They agreed to stay together over Xmas but it was so noticeable by the child that something was wrong he reluctantly left on Boxing Day.

My parents split with me being left in my Mums Country. Having somewhere else to go was a godsend. They tried to stay together for us but I’m glad they didn’t. My Dad found happiness and I’m glad for him that he did. I would have hated to have thought they were miserable for my sake.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think that a lot of the time people stay with their partners because its a form of inertia, or its financial, the kids aren't actually the truthful reason.

Just my twopenneth.

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

Some kids don't even get 18 years of being a child.

And some children understand more than some adults.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Why would there be any need to tell them?"

You don’t think they’d notice if they never saw their parents being affectionate with one and other? That their parents sleep in different rooms.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle "

I agree with this, a lad at work is 20 he split up with his girl and had a one night stand she is now pregnant, he asked her to get rid because they don't know a thing about eachother and having a kid wouldn't be right, she refused and is keeping the kid, if that wasn't bad they found out before ma's the chil will be downs syndrome, his head is twatted with it all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why would there be any need to tell them?

You don’t think they’d notice if they never saw their parents being affectionate with one and other? That their parents sleep in different rooms. "

Ah, I didn't realise those were the conditions

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

I can only comment on my thoughts as each situation is different but I decided to walk away when me and my ex had our differences.

Children pick up on a lot and they can feel if they are in a happy household or not. They can also see mum and dad not hugging and not being close, whether there are arguments or not (there wasn’t in our case).

You get one life and that’s what I hope my children take on board too.

Now, my ex is happily coupled up with a guy and the they are happy. I’m in a very happy relationship and so the kids see us both happy and enjoying life.

They love the fact they have two houses to live in and we both show them that we love them and we are all happy.

It’s worked perfectly for me and my children and I think that’s the best outcome rather than show kids you have to stay together.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why would there be any need to tell them?"

My mum didn't have any qualms about telling me

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango. "

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Dpeneds which way you look at it, if both parents are friends and no ill feeling then yes it could work, but examples like mine where I stayed way longer than I should have, I wanted my kids to have the 2 parent household I didn't, but it was at a cost it involved emotional abuse and arguments that even though they were hid from the kids they're not stupid and they knew, I was financially dependent on him as well. I'm dealing with the repercussions of it as a single parent now trying to heal two children who saw and heard what they shouldn't have and show them that relationships shouldn't be like that.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

"Get rid of it"

You are referring to a foetus, not a bloody chocolate bar or something. Perhaps try putting yourself in the shoes of the woman who's body is growing the foetus and would have to undergo potentially invasive and painful procedures to have an abortion.

Any man having unprotected sex in a one night stand situation should expect to be receiving news of pregnancy soon after. Use a condom or refuse sex if the woman doesn't want a condom used. Simple.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Against.

I left with my 3 small children. Moved 450 miles and started life all over again with nothing

If I can do that anyone can. No one needs to stay in a miserable relationship and blame their fears of change on their children.

I'm well aware it's an unpopular opinion and that everyone's situation is different.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

My father told me recently that he stayed with my mother because of us children. His words were "I couldn't let you children be brought up by another man".

Would my life have been better if they'd split? I have no idea but if I'd been left alone to deal with my mother it wouldn't have been very nice.

I think that it depends on the situation because by the time this happened I'd already formed my impression of what a marriage looked like.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him "

Whatever the situation, it is the woman who has to undergo the invasive and unpleasant processes of abortion and so it should be her decision as to whether she undergoes it.

A woman saying she's on the Pill is not good enough for protection in a casual situation anyway. Irrespective of the pregnancy angle, does your friend wish to catch all and sundry STI??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

"Get rid of it"

Any man having unprotected sex in a one night stand situation should expect to be receiving news of pregnancy soon after. Use a condom or refuse sex if the woman doesn't want a condom used. Simple. "

All the man here we go,

It was a d*unk fuck with 2 people

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

In my experience, my parents stayed together because I don’t think they could get anyone else. I think they are friends at best that live together

I don’t think that’s negatively effected me. But it’s impossible to say if it has, or if it would have been worse if they split

I think it’s probably more about if the house is a positive/negative place for them. If you both hate eachother or it’s abusive, that’s not a positive place

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him

Whatever the situation, it is the woman who has to undergo the invasive and unpleasant processes of abortion and so it should be her decision as to whether she undergoes it.

A woman saying she's on the Pill is not good enough for protection in a casual situation anyway. Irrespective of the pregnancy angle, does your friend wish to catch all and sundry STI??"

How do you know the condom didn’t split?

It works both ways. If you don’t want to deal with a pregnancy, keep your legs closed

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I think you’re showing a better example to your children if they see if something is no longer working they can leave.

Children only get all fucked up with issues if they don’t understand what’s going on. They’re basically being told look we all live together everything is cool but given that their first form of communication isn’t words, it’s body language, mannerisms etc they’re being shown a dynamic that’s completely false. Also as long as they know they’re wanted and loved they’ll be okay. Two people can separate but still be heavily involved with their children and see them all the time.

Also kids are annoying and hard work, I enjoy my weekends where my daughter is with her Dad, he enjoys his weekend with his daughter. The kids get to see their parents when they’re at their best. My daughter has always done a lot of cooking with her father. He lets her do everything from scratch and do it in a way where he has lots of patience. He taught her how to ride a bike. She knows her father loves her completely and I do, so hopefully she’ll turn out okay.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him

Whatever the situation, it is the woman who has to undergo the invasive and unpleasant processes of abortion and so it should be her decision as to whether she undergoes it.

A woman saying she's on the Pill is not good enough for protection in a casual situation anyway. Irrespective of the pregnancy angle, does your friend wish to catch all and sundry STI??"

I find it interesting that 99% of women of child bearing age wouldn't believe a man who said he was unable to father children for whatever reason but many men are happy to believe a woman who says she isn't able to conceive.

Could I wonder, that he anything to do with who will bear the biggest consequence of pregnancy?

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him

Whatever the situation, it is the woman who has to undergo the invasive and unpleasant processes of abortion and so it should be her decision as to whether she undergoes it.

A woman saying she's on the Pill is not good enough for protection in a casual situation anyway. Irrespective of the pregnancy angle, does your friend wish to catch all and sundry STI??

How do you know the condom didn’t split?

It works both ways. If you don’t want to deal with a pregnancy, keep your legs closed "

If the woman is happy to continue the pregnancy, then presumably she's okay to deal with pregnancy??

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

"Get rid of it"

Any man having unprotected sex in a one night stand situation should expect to be receiving news of pregnancy soon after. Use a condom or refuse sex if the woman doesn't want a condom used. Simple.

All the man here we go,

It was a d*unk fuck with 2 people "

Perhaps the moral of the story is don't d*unk fuck if you don't like the potential consequences? And I stand by my view that your reference to "get rid of it" is abhorrent. At least be respectful about the potential life that has been created through no fault of its own?

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"Against.

I left with my 3 small children. Moved 450 miles and started life all over again with nothing

If I can do that anyone can. No one needs to stay in a miserable relationship and blame their fears of change on their children.

I'm well aware it's an unpopular opinion and that everyone's situation is different. "

I think most people here would agree your very brave

I certainly would

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had to leave my kids mum and I hoped it would be easier, but still years down the line her bitterness towards me grows continuously, she has more hatred for me now and tries to control my life worse than when I was with her..

I've explained to my kids (they're still youngish) that what happened with us isn't normal and a husband and wife should always stay together, but every chance she gets I'm attacked verbally in front of them and without reason, very very frustrating

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Despite all that I'm glad I left her, it was the right thing to do even though she has made life hell since

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It was way better for me when my mum +dad finally split

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I split with my ex years ago after years of unhappiness. He persuaded me to stay together for the kids but now barely sees 3 of his kids. I don't think as a single mother I am doing a brilliant job. We have a lot less money, I can't afford things we used to have as a family. Can't afford holidays. So I have a lot of guilt that I've made their lives worse. But I just couldn't live like that anymore. I was so miserable. We barely spoke. I slept in a separate room. That can't have been great for our kids either. So no, it's not easy nor straightforward but they are my number 1 priority and always have been.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

To go back to the OP, I'm very glad my parents didn't stay together. However, the ensuing years of grief that I endured as the eldest child were horrible. My mother remarrying twice more and moving us all over the place was horrible. Her obstructing us from seeing Dad and telling us lies about him, horrible.

I wish my Grandparents had adopted us and that we'd had a normal upbringing among people who put us children at the forefront, not their own selfishness.

And now I'm crying

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

[Removed by poster at 04/01/22 13:32:21]

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"To go back to the OP, I'm very glad my parents didn't stay together. However, the ensuing years of grief that I endured as the eldest child were horrible. My mother remarrying twice more and moving us all over the place was horrible. Her obstructing us from seeing Dad and telling us lies about him, horrible.

I wish my Grandparents had adopted us and that we'd had a normal upbringing among people who put us children at the forefront, not their own selfishness.

And now I'm crying

Sorry

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"I had to leave my kids mum and I hoped it would be easier, but still years down the line her bitterness towards me grows continuously, she has more hatred for me now and tries to control my life worse than when I was with her..

Damn sorry to hear that!

I think this issue raises other problems for men because the courts definitely favour women when children are involved. Some men probably stay in because they are afraid of financial ruin or losing the ability to see their kids. Sometimes just staying is easier

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

"Get rid of it"

Any man having unprotected sex in a one night stand situation should expect to be receiving news of pregnancy soon after. Use a condom or refuse sex if the woman doesn't want a condom used. Simple.

All the man here we go,

It was a d*unk fuck with 2 people

I just think it would be the best thing to do with not knowing eachother,

I think this is why people are so fucked up these days, stability at home is a massive thing

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him

Whatever the situation, it is the woman who has to undergo the invasive and unpleasant processes of abortion and so it should be her decision as to whether she undergoes it.

A woman saying she's on the Pill is not good enough for protection in a casual situation anyway. Irrespective of the pregnancy angle, does your friend wish to catch all and sundry STI??

How do you know the condom didn’t split?

It works both ways. If you don’t want to deal with a pregnancy, keep your legs closed "

I agree, condoms aren't a guarantee of anything. However, didn't you say she had the kid? I don't know how a woman can deal with a pregnancy any more than having a child

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you've done a good job of acknowledging the downsides to staying in a relationship that isn't right for one/both parents however I think you have dismissed the harm that can be caused by a split a little too glibly.

Yes, children adapt, they're great at coping and learning new ways to live but that doesn't mean they're unaffected by the changes. You can teach a child to be selfish in their relationships (my happiness comes before that of my child/partner) you can teach a child that their needs are not important etc. They can also end up with attachment issues, abandonment issues all kinds of problems. This is not saying that you can't split up without damaging your kids but that the idea that they will adapt to a split but not be able to adapt to parents in a failing relationship seems a little one sided. As others have said the answer will depend totally on the situation, the parents, the child etc. It's quite possible where a split will be the best possible course of action for one child but massively damaging for their sibling. It's not a good/bad answer.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him

Whatever the situation, it is the woman who has to undergo the invasive and unpleasant processes of abortion and so it should be her decision as to whether she undergoes it.

A woman saying she's on the Pill is not good enough for protection in a casual situation anyway. Irrespective of the pregnancy angle, does your friend wish to catch all and sundry STI??

How do you know the condom didn’t split?

It works both ways. If you don’t want to deal with a pregnancy, keep your legs closed

I agree, condoms aren't a guarantee of anything. However, didn't you say she had the kid? I don't know how a woman can deal with a pregnancy any more than having a child

. "

She did decide to keep it despite the guy saying from the start that he didn’t want to be involved

I feel it’s a little selfish on her half to force a guy to be a dad, force a child not to have a dad, other reasons too obviously

But I also see the side that some people think every pregnancy is a life not to be wasted, so maybe she felt she had to have it. I dunno

Makes me want to get the snip thinking about it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I split with my ex years ago after years of unhappiness. He persuaded me to stay together for the kids but now barely sees 3 of his kids. I don't think as a single mother I am doing a brilliant job. We have a lot less money, I can't afford things we used to have as a family. Can't afford holidays. So I have a lot of guilt that I've made their lives worse. But I just couldn't live like that anymore. I was so miserable. We barely spoke. I slept in a separate room. That can't have been great for our kids either. So no, it's not easy nor straightforward but they are my number 1 priority and always have been. "

I think you are a good mum.

And when the kids look back on their younger years, they will not remember the holidays or not, they will remember you, and how hard you tried to keep the family afloat. The little things, spending time with them is really precious x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I currently think that staying in an abusive/ mentally and possibly physically dangerous relationship would be better than escaping. The long term effects of escape are much worse than staying.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think you've done a good job of acknowledging the downsides to staying in a relationship that isn't right for one/both parents however I think you have dismissed the harm that can be caused by a split a little too glibly.

Mr"

This is all so true. I have a horrific relationship with my ex and only email contact. This has a big effect on my kids. I see families where the parents are still friends and get along - makes such a difference to the kids. I wish I could give them that.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Kids are brought up in all sorts of environments that are not of their own choosing ..its their response to the situation that shapes their future.. not whether their parents were right or wrong

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I stayed till the kids all grew up ...I hope I did right by them in their childhoods

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him

Whatever the situation, it is the woman who has to undergo the invasive and unpleasant processes of abortion and so it should be her decision as to whether she undergoes it.

A woman saying she's on the Pill is not good enough for protection in a casual situation anyway. Irrespective of the pregnancy angle, does your friend wish to catch all and sundry STI??

How do you know the condom didn’t split?

It works both ways. If you don’t want to deal with a pregnancy, keep your legs closed

I agree, condoms aren't a guarantee of anything. However, didn't you say she had the kid? I don't know how a woman can deal with a pregnancy any more than having a child

She did decide to keep it despite the guy saying from the start that he didn’t want to be involved

I feel it’s a little selfish on her half to force a guy to be a dad, force a child not to have a dad, other reasons too obviously

But I also see the side that some people think every pregnancy is a life not to be wasted, so maybe she felt she had to have it. I dunno

Makes me want to get the snip thinking about it "

So she dealt with it and he didn't. I think it's selfish to expect a woman to abort a pregnancy against her will. I sympathise with the guy but he can choose not to be involved. She can either choose to have a baby alone or potentially be traumatised by undergoing a procedure she doesn't want for his benefit and then have to mourn a loss. I feel that either way she has the raw deal. And I say all this as a woman who personally would choose a termination.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Damn sorry to hear that!

I agree, I tried staying for a number of years before deciding enough is enough I thought about every possible scenario I could think of..

But unless the kids are in danger the court is rigged to support the mother..

It's very sad, I think when you do try and stay to make it work it only gives you solid validation that it's just not possible with some relationships

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

I've sacrificed my own sanity over the years to maintain a cordial relationship with my son's dad. I have tolerated so much and ignored so much to keep the veneer up. I still have to bite my tongue on occasion. My son might be 19 now but I still don't wish to cloud his judgement, which he can make for himself.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

And he will eventually.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you are a good mum.

Thank you. But not convinced. All I can do is keep trying.

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By *asha86Couple
over a year ago

walsall

I'd rather the children see both parents happy apart than miserable together. Providing the adults are civil and co-parenting together and have the children's best interests at heart thats all that matters. xT

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him

Whatever the situation, it is the woman who has to undergo the invasive and unpleasant processes of abortion and so it should be her decision as to whether she undergoes it.

A woman saying she's on the Pill is not good enough for protection in a casual situation anyway. Irrespective of the pregnancy angle, does your friend wish to catch all and sundry STI??

How do you know the condom didn’t split?

It works both ways. If you don’t want to deal with a pregnancy, keep your legs closed

I agree, condoms aren't a guarantee of anything. However, didn't you say she had the kid? I don't know how a woman can deal with a pregnancy any more than having a child

She did decide to keep it despite the guy saying from the start that he didn’t want to be involved

I feel it’s a little selfish on her half to force a guy to be a dad, force a child not to have a dad, other reasons too obviously

But I also see the side that some people think every pregnancy is a life not to be wasted, so maybe she felt she had to have it. I dunno

Makes me want to get the snip thinking about it

I have a lot of respect for her just saying ok to him saying he wasn’t gonna be involved. He didn’t wanna be a dad. She wants to be a mum. And she dealt with that.

I dunno how hard the courts will fuck him financially, but I’m almost certain he doesn’t just walk about from it.

She got what she wanted, and he’ll get what he wants, at a price

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex was emotionally abusive and it was harming me (and the kids by extension). I tried for two years after the split. We are amicable and polite and never see each other. I am not co-parenting with him anymore though. I don't bitch about him in front of my kids, they've made up their own minds about him from his own behaviour and keep him at arms length.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Damn sorry to hear that!

I agree, I tried staying for a number of years before deciding enough is enough I thought about every possible scenario I could think of..

But unless the kids are in danger the court is rigged to support the mother..

It's very sad, I think when you do try and stay to make it work it only gives you solid validation that it's just not possible with some relationships"

Most separations or divorces don't go to the courts if the couple can agree. And mediation is a prerequisite before for court (unless there is abuse).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If the relationship isn't working I think it's does more harm if stay together if kids are involved or not. You have to do what you think is right for your own mental health. "

I agree with this gent. However, in my situation, I was reluctant and scared to end the marriage when perhaps it should have been the better time when kids were small - financially I knew we couldn't have survived. But, in the end we pay a price, including any kids because the damage has already been done.

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Your life echoes mine in ways.... know this as I have it drummed into regularly...

We have not made their lives worse, we did what was the best thing for them, they won't care about holidays and things only that they have a mum who loves them unconditionally and has made every sacrifice to give them the best and most loving upbringing they deserve, and a mum who is now happy and no longer sad xx

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

"Each individual situation is unique, what’s right/wrong for one will be the opposite for another.

You can only make these decisions on an individual basis, there are no rules. "

This.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him

Whatever the situation, it is the woman who has to undergo the invasive and unpleasant processes of abortion and so it should be her decision as to whether she undergoes it.

A woman saying she's on the Pill is not good enough for protection in a casual situation anyway. Irrespective of the pregnancy angle, does your friend wish to catch all and sundry STI??

How do you know the condom didn’t split?

It works both ways. If you don’t want to deal with a pregnancy, keep your legs closed

I agree, condoms aren't a guarantee of anything. However, didn't you say she had the kid? I don't know how a woman can deal with a pregnancy any more than having a child

She did decide to keep it despite the guy saying from the start that he didn’t want to be involved

I feel it’s a little selfish on her half to force a guy to be a dad, force a child not to have a dad, other reasons too obviously

But I also see the side that some people think every pregnancy is a life not to be wasted, so maybe she felt she had to have it. I dunno

Makes me want to get the snip thinking about it

I have a lot of respect for her just saying ok to him saying he wasn’t gonna be involved. He didn’t wanna be a dad. She wants to be a mum. And she dealt with that.

I dunno how hard the courts will fuck him financially, but I’m almost certain he doesn’t just walk about from it.

She got what she wanted, and he’ll get what he wants, at a price "

Why would a court get involved? Courts don't deal with child maintenance and the system is now based around the assumption that parents will make their own, private maintenance arrangements. The CSA has almost ceased to exist (and it was useless when it existed). If parents cannot make private arrangements and one or both parents request the intervention of the CSA, then they are charged for using it nowadays.

There's no automatic legal demand made on non resident parents. The resident parent would have to instigate something and it would certainly not go near a court.

Family courts deal with disputes around contact with parents and courts might get involved in disputes around separation of assets, but if they have never lived together, never married and she has accepted he will not be involved, then no legal or maintenance related issues should arise, right?

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By *akie32Man
over a year ago

winchester

"Against, a) they know, b) you’re just putting off the inevitable c) you’re slowly killing yourselves"

this, tried it and it doesnt work

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

100% Against, sell the kids, buy a yacht!

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

Perhaps the guy should have taken precautions or declined the sex if she declined his attempts to use protection? It takes two to tango.

Perhaps you shouldn’t assume what happened? Maybe the condom broke? Maybe her birth control was ineffective? Maybe she lied about being on birth control

It takes 2 to tango means they are both responsible

You seem to use that saying to blame only him

Whatever the situation, it is the woman who has to undergo the invasive and unpleasant processes of abortion and so it should be her decision as to whether she undergoes it.

A woman saying she's on the Pill is not good enough for protection in a casual situation anyway. Irrespective of the pregnancy angle, does your friend wish to catch all and sundry STI??

How do you know the condom didn’t split?

It works both ways. If you don’t want to deal with a pregnancy, keep your legs closed

I agree, condoms aren't a guarantee of anything. However, didn't you say she had the kid? I don't know how a woman can deal with a pregnancy any more than having a child

She did decide to keep it despite the guy saying from the start that he didn’t want to be involved

I feel it’s a little selfish on her half to force a guy to be a dad, force a child not to have a dad, other reasons too obviously

But I also see the side that some people think every pregnancy is a life not to be wasted, so maybe she felt she had to have it. I dunno

Makes me want to get the snip thinking about it

I have a lot of respect for her just saying ok to him saying he wasn’t gonna be involved. He didn’t wanna be a dad. She wants to be a mum. And she dealt with that.

I dunno how hard the courts will fuck him financially, but I’m almost certain he doesn’t just walk about from it.

She got what she wanted, and he’ll get what he wants, at a price

There's no automatic legal demand made on non resident parents. The resident parent would have to instigate something and it would certainly not go near a court.

I don’t think she’s just gonna accept not getting money she can get if she wants.

If she does, all the more respect to her. But the balls in her court, not his

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

My parents stayed together for us kids for years it was torturous. I was glad when they finally did split up it was a relief.

I've split from my kids father. We live a village apart from each other, so when they are older they'll be able to cycle from one house to the other. Even though I hate him, we present a united front on discipline and such like. We may not live together (or like each other) but we parent together.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Deffo not good to stay together for sake of children! Wish we had split sooner for the sake of my eldest 3! But it was a very toxic relationship x

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By *melia DominaTV/TS
over a year ago

Edinburgh (She/Her)

Hardest decision I ever had to make was to split with my ex.

2 young childern involved.

We lived completely separate lifes.

The split was a nightmare, but it was the best decision I ever made.

My kids are now teenagers. Great couple of lads. They get it and understand as much as they can for their years.

Moved on. Married (never thought that would happen). Living the best life I can.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

" I have a lot of respect for her just saying ok to him saying he wasn’t gonna be involved. He didn’t wanna be a dad. She wants to be a mum. And she dealt with that.

I dunno how hard the courts will fuck him financially, but I’m almost certain he doesn’t just walk about from it.

She got what she wanted, and he’ll get what he wants, at a price

There's no automatic legal demand made on non resident parents. The resident parent would have to instigate something and it would certainly not go near a court.

I don’t think she’s just gonna accept not getting money she can get if she wants.

If she does, all the more respect to her. But the balls in her court, not his "

That would still have naff all to do with a court. They simply do not get involved with maintenance. Either they make a private arrangement or they both have to pay for the CSA to enforce an arrangement but that would only happen a) if one of them requests maintenance and b) they have to try the private arrangement first.

There's no reference to the gender of the parent, it's a case of resident and non resident parent. If the CSA does get involved (at a cost) then there's a set formula that calculates maintenance due to the non resident parent. The non resident parent cannot make random demands etc.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

" I have a lot of respect for her just saying ok to him saying he wasn’t gonna be involved. He didn’t wanna be a dad. She wants to be a mum. And she dealt with that.

I dunno how hard the courts will fuck him financially, but I’m almost certain he doesn’t just walk about from it.

She got what she wanted, and he’ll get what he wants, at a price

There's no automatic legal demand made on non resident parents. The resident parent would have to instigate something and it would certainly not go near a court.

I don’t think she’s just gonna accept not getting money she can get if she wants.

If she does, all the more respect to her. But the balls in her court, not his

So as I said, he is gonna have to pay for it?

Thanks

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Damn sorry to hear that!

I agree, I tried staying for a number of years before deciding enough is enough I thought about every possible scenario I could think of..

But unless the kids are in danger the court is rigged to support the mother..

It's very sad, I think when you do try and stay to make it work it only gives you solid validation that it's just not possible with some relationships"

Try telling that to all the dead children that have been killed at the hands of their own fathers. Oh yeah you can’t cos they’re dead.

What about the women who risk prison by fleeing with their children whilst going through the court process because they’re so terrified about the father being granted access to the children.

Exactly how familiar are you with the court system these days?

You could walk into a court room literally hammering someone and you’d still get some sort of access.

I personally witness a guy beating a woman up in the car park of the courts, all caught on cctv yet he was still granted access to the children, was through a contact centre and supervised but only that lasts so long and if the person shows up on time and gets their little box ticked that apparently shows that they won’t display violence again.

Caught a do not favour the mother they favour the child. Judges are often so out of the loop they don’t even make their own decisions they rely on reports by social services and cafcass and if they’re charmed by the father and say they believe contact should be awarded them contact is awarded regardless.

So no. It’s absolute BULL SHIT that a guy wouldn’t have access to his child.

Think of a normal case, just a husband and wife bf or gf that used to be together. Father has been involved with the child up until the split. Father applies to the court, some admin, mediation which they can choose not to attend. There’s no grounds at all for that father not to have access to their child and it will be awarded.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

" I have a lot of respect for her just saying ok to him saying he wasn’t gonna be involved. He didn’t wanna be a dad. She wants to be a mum. And she dealt with that.

I dunno how hard the courts will fuck him financially, but I’m almost certain he doesn’t just walk about from it.

She got what she wanted, and he’ll get what he wants, at a price

There's no automatic legal demand made on non resident parents. The resident parent would have to instigate something and it would certainly not go near a court.

I don’t think she’s just gonna accept not getting money she can get if she wants.

If she does, all the more respect to her. But the balls in her court, not his

So as I said, he is gonna have to pay for it?

Thanks

No, both parents are charged for using the CSA if they cannot make a private arrangement. Perhaps go and read about it rather than making up a load of cobblers?

It's very difficult to get the CSA to do anything nowadays, the system is geared up for private arrangements. If the CSA is used, BOTH parents are charged a fee and the maintenance calculated follows a set formula that cannot be manipulated by either party.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

" I have a lot of respect for her just saying ok to him saying he wasn’t gonna be involved. He didn’t wanna be a dad. She wants to be a mum. And she dealt with that.

I dunno how hard the courts will fuck him financially, but I’m almost certain he doesn’t just walk about from it.

She got what she wanted, and he’ll get what he wants, at a price

There's no automatic legal demand made on non resident parents. The resident parent would have to instigate something and it would certainly not go near a court.

I don’t think she’s just gonna accept not getting money she can get if she wants.

If she does, all the more respect to her. But the balls in her court, not his

So as I said, he is gonna have to pay for it?

Thanks

No, both parents are charged for using the CSA if they cannot make a private arrangement. Perhaps go and read about it rather than making up a load of cobblers?

So they are both charged a fee and he pays the rest

So he pays?

Thanks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not in the slightest, It portrays a false sense of relationships.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I co parent pretty successfully.

It means my child has two happy parents who concentrate on putting their needs first rather than constantly being at war with each other.

It was the best solution for my family

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

" I have a lot of respect for her just saying ok to him saying he wasn’t gonna be involved. He didn’t wanna be a dad. She wants to be a mum. And she dealt with that.

I dunno how hard the courts will fuck him financially, but I’m almost certain he doesn’t just walk about from it.

She got what she wanted, and he’ll get what he wants, at a price

There's no automatic legal demand made on non resident parents. The resident parent would have to instigate something and it would certainly not go near a court.

I don’t think she’s just gonna accept not getting money she can get if she wants.

If she does, all the more respect to her. But the balls in her court, not his

So as I said, he is gonna have to pay for it?

Thanks

No, both parents are charged for using the CSA if they cannot make a private arrangement. Perhaps go and read about it rather than making up a load of cobblers?

So they are both charged a fee and he pays the rest

So he pays?

Thanks

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I see nobody jumped on my idea of selling the kids and buying a yacht, strange

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me it wouldn't work, I tried but no. Within 1 month of me telling my partner I wanted out, I was feeling the difference in the way I was parenting and I knew I'd done the right thing.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

Note that you are expected to try making a private arrangement first and throughout, you are encouraged to revert to a private arrangement, even if you do end up using the Service.

It's not geared for or against a specific gender. It deals in terms of resident and non resident parents. The genders could be either.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

Note that you are expected to try making a private arrangement first and throughout, you are encouraged to revert to a private arrangement, even if you do end up using the Service.

It's not geared for or against a specific gender. It deals in terms of resident and non resident parents. The genders could be either. "

I never says it was

I said

She gets what she wants (being a mum)

He gets what he wants (not being a dad)

And he will pay for it (as priced by the things you sent)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" I have a lot of respect for her just saying ok to him saying he wasn’t gonna be involved. He didn’t wanna be a dad. She wants to be a mum. And she dealt with that.

I dunno how hard the courts will fuck him financially, but I’m almost certain he doesn’t just walk about from it.

She got what she wanted, and he’ll get what he wants, at a price

There's no automatic legal demand made on non resident parents. The resident parent would have to instigate something and it would certainly not go near a court.

I don’t think she’s just gonna accept not getting money she can get if she wants.

If she does, all the more respect to her. But the balls in her court, not his

So as I said, he is gonna have to pay for it?

Thanks

No, both parents are charged for using the CSA if they cannot make a private arrangement. Perhaps go and read about it rather than making up a load of cobblers?

So they are both charged a fee and he pays the rest

So he pays?

Thanks

That's not quite accurate. The CSA is now the Child Maintenance Service. And there are two ways for them to be involved.

The first is if he won't co-operate at all and they can take the money directly from his bank account. Both parents lose out on money with that method as they pay the admin charges.

The second is the CSM calculate the maintenance and advise the father, who pays it directly to the mother. All changes are dealt with by the CSM (eg if his income goes up or down). This is the method I use and it doesn't cost anything extra.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I worked in the DWP and used to liaise with CSA when they were CSA. It’s child maintenance options now and they’re useless.

I made a claim after my ex stopped paying maintenance in 2016 and he simply showed them the retainer wage he gets from the fire service not his actual pay. They say they pull everything through from HMRC but they don’t they just rely on the unfit and payslips he provides. So basically he gets a full fire service pay but then gets a desperate pay the retainer for when he’s only on call and not working. That’s about £100 a week give or take. Long story short he only has to give me £9 a week maintenance. He also lives in a house with no mortgage cos his Nan left the property to him in her will. Her dinner money in school alone is £15 a week.

There’s all ways to manipulate CMO and they don’t give a fuck about investigating it cos it’s not money they are missing out on. If it was benefit fraud they’d have someone waiting in your bins to investigate but they don’t care.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

Note that you are expected to try making a private arrangement first and throughout, you are encouraged to revert to a private arrangement, even if you do end up using the Service.

It's not geared for or against a specific gender. It deals in terms of resident and non resident parents. The genders could be either.

I never says it was

I said

She gets what she wants (being a mum)

He gets what he wants (not being a dad)

And he will pay for it (as priced by the things you sent) "

Only if one of them goes to the maintenance service! You seem to think it's automatic that payment demands come with the birth certificate! You also seem convinced that courts get involved and it's all very anti-men. The Maintenance system never once mentions the words mother or father, nor the gender of the parents.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some interesting answers, every situation is different.

As for the comment about the woman getting pregnant and the guy wanting nothing to do with her or the child.

I would think very few single women go out to get pregnant !

I had sex with a guy I knew at 19, used a condom, was on the pill and still got pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with us.

My choices abortion or raise him alone. I considered abortion but my thought was what if this is the only chance I get at motherhood.

So I had my son at 20, thankfully I've had amazing support from family. He is now 27, never been in trouble, recently got promoted in work and is a lively young man.

I remember apologising to him at about 18 yrs of age , for getting pregnant and raising him alone , nit giving him the "ideal family" ,he told me to cop on that he was happy and knew he was loved.

It was hard to do it and not an easy choice, I've only dated once while raising him. I've done without girly holidays,nights away, fancy clothes etc but I'm proud of how I've raised him.

So to any parent raising their kids with little or no support keep up the good work xx

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

Note that you are expected to try making a private arrangement first and throughout, you are encouraged to revert to a private arrangement, even if you do end up using the Service.

It's not geared for or against a specific gender. It deals in terms of resident and non resident parents. The genders could be either.

I never says it was

I said

She gets what she wants (being a mum)

He gets what he wants (not being a dad)

And he will pay for it (as priced by the things you sent)

So as I said, he will pay?

Again, thanks

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

Note that you are expected to try making a private arrangement first and throughout, you are encouraged to revert to a private arrangement, even if you do end up using the Service.

It's not geared for or against a specific gender. It deals in terms of resident and non resident parents. The genders could be either.

I never says it was

I said

She gets what she wants (being a mum)

He gets what he wants (not being a dad)

And he will pay for it (as priced by the things you sent)

So as I said, he will pay?

Again, thanks

Only

The

Non resident

Parent

Asks

Him

Pay

Maintenance

And they will have to try to make a private arrangement first

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

[Removed by poster at 04/01/22 14:19:32]

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Fuck my typos. You’ll have to just guess what I meant.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

Note that you are expected to try making a private arrangement first and throughout, you are encouraged to revert to a private arrangement, even if you do end up using the Service.

It's not geared for or against a specific gender. It deals in terms of resident and non resident parents. The genders could be either.

I never says it was

I said

She gets what she wants (being a mum)

He gets what he wants (not being a dad)

And he will pay for it (as priced by the things you sent)

So as I said, he will pay?

Again, thanks

Only

The

Non resident

Parent

Asks

Him

Pay

Maintenance

And they will have to try to make a private arrangement first

I’m glad we agree. That took longer than it needed

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

I must also point out that it helps massively if the two parents are able to sort things through amicably and do so with the best interests of the children in mind.

A number of cases there’s a bitter parent who wants to turn the kids against the other.

My mum and dad split up when I was young and my mum used every opportunity to blame my dad for everything. It was only when older I seen a lot of the things my dad was accused of to be different. My dad also had a few digs too, so it wasn’t all one sided.

This then comes down to how each child deals with the situation - me, I could see both sides and didn’t blame either parent for anything. I grow up relatively normal, my brother didn’t and went off the rails.

There’s no manual from parents - there’s no right or wrong way of dealing with things.

But it really helps that they put the kids best interest first and create an open channel for both kids to understand.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

Note that you are expected to try making a private arrangement first and throughout, you are encouraged to revert to a private arrangement, even if you do end up using the Service.

It's not geared for or against a specific gender. It deals in terms of resident and non resident parents. The genders could be either.

I never says it was

I said

She gets what she wants (being a mum)

He gets what he wants (not being a dad)

And he will pay for it (as priced by the things you sent)

So as I said, he will pay?

Again, thanks

Only

The

Non resident

Parent

Asks

Him

Pay

Maintenance

And they will have to try to make a private arrangement first

Also he won’t be named on the birth certificate so he has the choice to deny in which case he’d have to pay for a paternity test or refuse in which case they’d assume he was the father.

Also she’d need some details about him, name address, NI number.

I don’t think I’ve ever asked someone’s NI number before shagging then.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I posted on another theard a out this earlier. Me and my girlfriend split as I didn't want children (1st day of our holiday, that was awkward), we got back together and after 3 moths I decided we should split, the day of the conversation she came to me and said "I'm pregnant". 3 months later I'd bought a house for us as I thought it was the "right thing to do". It wasn't. Our relationship never recovered from where it was before the first split. I didn't love her, nor her me (though she would say differently is suppose). We had a second child which made things worse, not better, and we eventually called it quits during the first lockdown. We never ever argued, there was never any violence or any cheating etc. But I would come home and there would not be a word spoken outwith pleasantries in front of the children for 3 weeks solid, and no parley apart from me phoning the kids when I was away. We did perform well with the children and did a lot of things with them. I wanted them to have memories of us together, going on holiday, Christmases, birthdays etc which they got and enjoyed. We just didn't have a relationship outwith the children so it was purgatory. Most people look forward to coming home from offshore - I looked forward to going away! I didn't want to let the children down or have them call another man dad. It turns out I should have left earlier, certainly after my daughter was born (I love both my son and daughter dearly and am grateful now that I have them even though I was dead against having children before they come along). They are very Happy, indeed we're all happier now and I get along with their mother well now, so splitting up has been the best thing we ever could have done. They can see both me and my ex are happier and that's great for them. In reality I should have never moved in with her in the first place, but at the time I felt I had no real choice given we were both from a small village with all our family and friends around judging us. Someone earlier on the tread suggested people only stay for the kids as an excuse for financial or emotional gain. I can assure you I would have been better off if I had left years ago, staying had no benefit to anyone other than the children and as I've said, I now realise it wasn't benefiting them either.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

Note that you are expected to try making a private arrangement first and throughout, you are encouraged to revert to a private arrangement, even if you do end up using the Service.

It's not geared for or against a specific gender. It deals in terms of resident and non resident parents. The genders could be either.

I never says it was

I said

She gets what she wants (being a mum)

He gets what he wants (not being a dad)

And he will pay for it (as priced by the things you sent)

So as I said, he will pay?

Again, thanks

Only

The

Non resident

Parent

Asks

Him

Pay

Maintenance

And they will have to try to make a private arrangement first

Also he won’t be named on the birth certificate so he has the choice to deny in which case he’d have to pay for a paternity test or refuse in which case they’d assume he was the father.

Also she’d need some details about him, name address, NI number.

I don’t think I’ve ever asked someone’s NI number before shagging then. "

That’s coz your easy

I wouldn’t touch a vag unless I had an NI number, a named and addressed bill and 6 months pay slips

Level

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A lot of men say “I don’t want my kids calling another man Dad” it’s as if they assume the woman would allow another guy to be a father to their children. If I got with someone now I wouldn’t assume he would be a father to my child. She has a father thanks. All he would be is my partner who is kind to my child and may grow to love her years and years down the line. But I think she’s too old to start calling another dude Dad. She’d just call him by his name.

Also as a parent, why wouldn’t you want more people to love your child? My ex and his gf split last year after 10 years together. I still let his gf take my daughter shopping and she sees her on her birthday and Xmas. She also comes to cut her hair still. They’ve got a bond and connection since my daughter was a baby. I wouldn’t stop that.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

It's popped up about the courts favouring the mother. M took his ex to court after failed mediation.

And to be honest he got what he wanted from the courts. He wanted joint responsibility to their child. Access so that his daughter is with us 6 days out of 14.

Think men are scared of the system. But we planned and prepared well before the court date and it was stressful but fine. It's been a game changer and has stopped a manipulative ex stopping him have contact with his daughter, as punishment for finding a new partner.

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By *oxic1998Woman
over a year ago

Belfast

My turning point was when my sister asked me why I'm still with him? And then said don't stay because of my son because he will end up hating you like we did with our mum for staying with our step dad. I couldn't have my son hating me. Best decision i ever made for him and me. My son is now 23 and has never once told me I should have stayed with his dad.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"It's popped up about the courts favouring the mother. M took his ex to court after failed mediation.

And to be honest he got what he wanted from the courts. He wanted joint responsibility to their child. Access so that his daughter is with us 6 days out of 14.

I think it’s reasonable. I can’t say for myself, but a female friend of mine that’s very well educated and very savvy about all things law has explicitly told me the courts favour women. There’s statistics that back this up to, and not just when it comes to cases involving children.

So I can’t say from my own knowledge, but from someone much older, wiser and better educated than me, that’s what I believe. I’ll trust her opinion over “well it didn’t do it to me”

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By *akie32Man
over a year ago

winchester

"I see nobody jumped on my idea of selling the kids and buying a yacht, strange "

rather than sell them, make them clean chimnys, then you have an on going income

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

Think there are people staying together for the kids where two adult work together as friends and then there people how say there there because of the kids but it's because there to selfish and scared to make hard decisions.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"It's popped up about the courts favouring the mother. M took his ex to court after failed mediation.

And to be honest he got what he wanted from the courts. He wanted joint responsibility to their child. Access so that his daughter is with us 6 days out of 14.

So I can’t say from my own knowledge, but from someone much older, wiser and better educated than me, that’s what I believe. I’ll trust her opinion over “well it didn’t do it to me” "

That's fair enough I wouldn't believe someone on fab either. But most my mates are solicitors or barristers. Their overriding opinion was stability for the child and that any established routine was maintained. If this meant that the father did most of the child care because they were a stay at home dad that he'd have most of the custody. It just so happens that in the majority of cases it's the other way around. So the court doesn't favour one over the other in reality was their opinions.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The courts thing does need to be addressed. I said it earlier but they DO NOT favour the mother. They favour the child. They like to keep things consistent so if a Dad has been regularly seeing or living with his children up until the split there’s absolutely no way in hell can a woman convince a court to not award access. It’s nigh on impossible to stop contact.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"For or against?

Given the fact that children are constantly absorbing everything is it a good idea to stay in the household simply because of the children?

I’ve only briefly covered this but interested in everyone’s thoughts. "

My parents divorced when I was really young, it wasn’t particularly painful because I was too young to know any different (was 4) , I’m really glad tho that my parents managed to stay friends till the end, And it taught me that sometimes in relationships, things can evolve but you can still love each other even if not together anymore.

I would have hated to live in a household full of resentment for the sake of me and my siblings. Kids pick up on those things and they know

So I’m all for parents who want to go separate ways while trying to still be there for each other (in a mature way) for the sake of the kids.

Also, I got my wicked ways with my dad and could get away with murder

unlike with my mum. So , it definitely had its perks?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I see nobody jumped on my idea of selling the kids and buying a yacht, strange

rather than sell them, make them clean chimnys, then you have an on going income"

It’s bold but I like where your head is at! My only concern is there’s still outgoings for general keeping them alive stuff

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

Note that you are expected to try making a private arrangement first and throughout, you are encouraged to revert to a private arrangement, even if you do end up using the Service.

It's not geared for or against a specific gender. It deals in terms of resident and non resident parents. The genders could be either.

I never says it was

I said

She gets what she wants (being a mum)

He gets what he wants (not being a dad)

And he will pay for it (as priced by the things you sent)

So as I said, he will pay?

Again, thanks

Only

The

Non resident

Parent

Asks

Him

Pay

Maintenance

And they will have to try to make a private arrangement first

Also he won’t be named on the birth certificate so he has the choice to deny in which case he’d have to pay for a paternity test or refuse in which case they’d assume he was the father.

Also she’d need some details about him, name address, NI number.

I don’t think I’ve ever asked someone’s NI number before shagging then. "

He will be named if his name is provided. It's irrelevant for parental responsibility nowadays anyway. Even if not named on the birth certificate and if parents never married or lived together, the biological father automatically has parental responsibility now. It's different to when my son was born, when even though his Dad IS on the birth certificate, because we never lived together and never married, he did not actually have parental responsibility.

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By *inger_SnapWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle

"Get rid of it"

Any man having unprotected sex in a one night stand situation should expect to be receiving news of pregnancy soon after. Use a condom or refuse sex if the woman doesn't want a condom used. Simple. "

This. Plus the years after having to deal with the memory, possible PTSD, trauma...

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By *toC Thats MeWoman
over a year ago

Sheffield

For me no, I left for them, for them to have a better future and 1 reliable stable parent that would put them first no matter what.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

https://www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

Note that you are expected to try making a private arrangement first and throughout, you are encouraged to revert to a private arrangement, even if you do end up using the Service.

It's not geared for or against a specific gender. It deals in terms of resident and non resident parents. The genders could be either. "

I think you may be missing his point. The father who didn't want the child will have to pay maintenance either through an agreed settlement or through the CSA if she wants to push for it - hence his repeated reply- so he has to pay. There is no option for him to say I didn't want the child, I won't pay for it.

Now of course there are all kinds of arguments to be had around safe sex, paying for your mistakes, not having sex outside marriage, that it will be the woman who has to go through with the pregnancy or suffer the distress of an abortion etc etc depending on your views but the point remains in a situation where two people have sex and one gets pregnant there is only one that is allowed a choice in whether that pregnancy goes ahead.

In a situation where the woman wants to have a baby but the man doesn't she gets what she wants, he just pays the bill for 18 years. In a situation where the woman doesn't want the baby but the man does, she can terminate and get what she wants and he loses his child. Basically a man either has to want the same as the woman or he will lose out, either way she gets what she wants.

I just want to add, the above isn't a complaint, a means of expressing a moral judgement or an opinion on this situation, just trying to explain what the guy is saying.

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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago

cognito

Kids are little sponges and pick up on everything.

If the couple can make it work in the same living situation without giving negative behaviour examples to the kids then it’s best to stay put but it rarely works out that way so it’s best to leave and build a healthier parentship living separate lives.

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire

Kids also pick up on what their parents actions are .. they learn everything from you.. their mentor.

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

When I wasn't strong enough to leave, I felt guilty for staying.

When I left, I felt guilty for upturning their worlds.

I've done the best I can and hopefully my kids will see that when they're older. Parenting is a tough gig.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your life echoes mine in ways.... know this as I have it drummed into regularly...

I think we have quite a few things in common TG. I try and get past the guilt and just focus on the now and what I can do. I had a conversation with my teen on the back of this thread and he thought that parents having separate rooms was normal until I split with his dad.

That's no way to view relationships.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can you source that please? I work in a Nursery and we ask about parental responsibility when we enrol, using the Gov.uk guidelines as reference which states;

Who has parental responsibility?

A mother automatically has parental responsibility for her child from birth.

A father usually has parental responsibility if he’s either:

married to the child’s mother

listed on the birth certificate (after a certain date, depending on which part of the UK the child was born in)

You can apply for parental responsibility if you do not automatically have it.

Births registered in England and Wales

If the parents of a child are married when the child is born, or if they’ve jointly adopted a child, both have parental responsibility.

They both keep parental responsibility if they later divorce.

Unmarried parents

An unmarried father can get parental responsibility for his child in 1 of 3 ways:

jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother (from 1 December 2003)

getting a parental responsibility agreement with the mother

getting a parental responsibility order from a court

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By *urls and DressesWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere near here

Being a child from a marriage where my dad stayed because of us I have mixed feelings but then that’s probably down to circumstances.

One one hand, no that my left has left and is very very happily married (he left my mum when I was 21). He’s become his true self and I can now see how desperately unhappy he was as I grew up. I thought I didn’t realise as a child until a conversation with him the other week where I perhaps did subconsciously know it, things I said when I was younger was perhaps not normal in regards to my parents. I wish he did leave when he wanted for his own happiness.

But in the same breath I’m incredibly grateful he stayed. My mum is toxic, my older brothers had no relationship with their dad because of her lies and manipulation. This has really messed up my older brother. She would have done the same for me and my little brother with my dad. She tried, still tries 14 years on, to tear me away from my dad, put the whole world onto him. As a child I would have stood no chance and highly likely I wouldn’t have a relationship with my dad.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Kids also pick up on what their parents actions are .. they learn everything from you.. their mentor. "

My eldest daughter at aged 15 told me that I was an young person trapped in an old body and trapped in a marriage with no fun, affection or laughter and I'd be beffee off without her dad (she took the brunt of his mental and threatening coercion). That was BEFORE I decided to end marriage and before her father physically threw her out of her home for an off the cuff comment, aged 16.

My youngest, who I thought I'd "lost" to her dad because he convinced her I wasn't a good enough mum yada yada, outrightly asked me if her dad had stopped being affectionate towards me because of her? That whole episode almost broke me.

My son, has no respect for his dad, no father/son relationship input.

Now all 3 of my kids say it was a good thing I ended the marriage as we are all better off without him, I'm much happier being who I am, and he is now with someone else (him being still bitter). It was exceptionally hard being a single parent, working full time and part time to make ends meet and ensure they were cared for and encouraged at every step of their lives. Zero input from their dad and zero hostility from me about their dad. I'm proud of my kids despite some of the damage we've all endured.

Anyone in a similar position, just remember it will get easier, in time and then you'll never look back, just look forward.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Always against! Children are sponges and parents who fight will be picked up by the children always! Better to have 2 divorced but happy parents than married but miserable!

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

Can you source that please? I work in a Nursery and we ask about parental responsibility when we enrol, using the Gov.uk guidelines as reference which states;

Who has parental responsibility?

A mother automatically has parental responsibility for her child from birth.

A father usually has parental responsibility if he’s either:

married to the child’s mother

listed on the birth certificate (after a certain date, depending on which part of the UK the child was born in)

You can apply for parental responsibility if you do not automatically have it.

Births registered in England and Wales

If the parents of a child are married when the child is born, or if they’ve jointly adopted a child, both have parental responsibility.

They both keep parental responsibility if they later divorce.

Unmarried parents

An unmarried father can get parental responsibility for his child in 1 of 3 ways:

jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother (from 1 December 2003)

getting a parental responsibility agreement with the mother

getting a parental responsibility order from a court

Apologies, I am wrong about father's automatically having PR if not on the birth certificate. Prior to 2003, an unmarried father who was on the birth certificate did not have PR but that was changed. Dads who are unmarried to the mother do need to named on the birth certificate to acquire PR.

That said, most applications for PR to courts from unmarried dads are successful. Mr KC acquired PR for our son, despite not being his biological father and without adopting him. It was pretty straightforward to do.

For anyone wishing to meddle, his biological father had written to us when our son was 6, saying he would have no more contact with his son and promptly disappeared off the radar completely. It was not my choice for him to do that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I left my ex and its totally ruined my relationship with my little girl. But it is wot it is I wasn't happy so I left. Don't think it's fair to live miserable just to make your kids happy when they might not be anyway ??

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By *amierebelMan
over a year ago

My own little world

I've been in situation and stayed put for an extra 5years due to kids in hindsight looking back defo wasn't best idea but having said that I also didn't lose out on 5years contact with my kids wich after leaving I then had to fight for access finally seeing them again now but to answer not sure lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Kids also pick up on what their parents actions are .. they learn everything from you.. their mentor.

My son, has no respect for his dad, no father/son relationship input.

Anyone in a similar position, just remember it will get easier, in time and then you'll never look back, just look forward.

I truly hope so. Glad it worked out for you and your kids.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I dunno what the answer is, but I feel like people have kids these days with much less consideration if the person they are having them with.

Case in point, my ex got pregnant off a 1 night stand and decided to keep it despite the guy making it clear he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

That’s not exactly a smart idea in my mind.

I think you should try to give a child a 2 parent household, but if that comes with the parents being miserable/hating eachother then it’s probably not smart

Happy 2 parent household is ideal

Unhappy 2 parent household isn’t

Separated parents that are happy and involved in the kids life seem like a very good middle "

Definitely this.

Happened to my brother & his wife. They got married for all the wrong reasons & her being pregnant was the main one. They had 2 kids in the end, both lovely, but mum & dad fought like cat & dog, all were unhappy yes even the kids as they heard all of it. I remember babysitting one night after they split & the youngest one asked me if “daddy had left because she was bad” told her absolutely not, but did tell bro & wife that they needed to be honest with the kids.

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