FabSwingers.com forum: Do you put yourself down?

By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

Having an exchange with a lovely friend.... and he said I'm very good at putting myself down. This isn't the first time I've been told it, and it is actually factual. I am very good at it.

On reflection, I'm pretty sure I know why I do it. And I'm pretty sure I'm not unique in my reasons.

So.... do you put yourself down, either privately or to others? And do you know or suspect you know why? Would you share why?

Also. No one should put anyone down, even themselves. Especially themselves actually. Easy to say, easy to live by when it comes to others. Not so easy when it comes to ourselves. You're all awesome

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

I get accused of running myself down but I'm simply speaking my truth.

I don't deliberately denigrate myself in areas where I excel, I don't fish for compliments and I'm not insecure enough to need flattery. I just say it how I see it, and I'm not blind to myself and my faults!

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By *dventurous_92Couple
over a year ago

Blackburn

From experience: It can definitely be hard to love yourself. Learn to love everything and anything despite what others think. Positive thinking helps a lot

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, it's not something I do

I'd find it very draining spending time with anyone who did

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes I do. I don't think I'm as horrible as I used to be to myself. But still very critical.

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By *all Guy 00Man
over a year ago

Dumfries

Yes unfortunately I do,as been told many times that not good enough and told I'm too big. So it comes so easy to do it myself

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By *entative_steps7781Couple
over a year ago

Home

Yep, I do, one of my worst negative thoughts patterns.

I remember during therapy I had to write down some of the thoughts I had about myself and it was horrible to read back. I would NEVER even think anything like them about anyone else, but fully believed them about myself!

Still working on challenging those types of thoughts sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much.

MJ xx

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I get accused of running myself down but I'm simply speaking my truth.

This is it! Just speaking my truth.

I don't fish for compliments.... I'm absolutely insecure enough to need flattery on occasion though. However, I then usually don't believe it.

But absolutely I see my faults. Allegedly I see more faults than are actually there though. I don't know.

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By *atricia ParnelWoman
over a year ago

In a town full of colours

Posh its your armour and it's served you well for a long time, one day you will shed it all but even from a distance I can see you discarding one piece at a time.

Stick with it at your pace you are doing great

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"From experience: It can definitely be hard to love yourself. Learn to love everything and anything despite what others think. Positive thinking helps a lot

Mrs "

Can you love yourself and think positively and yet also put yourself down?

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"No, it's not something I do

I'd find it very draining spending time with anyone who did "

That's fair

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

Yeah, do it to myself all the time. It's an internal thing usually. See Amber's "Cute" thread for how my inner daemons deal with compliments (genuine ones).

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes I do. I don't think I'm as horrible as I used to be to myself. But still very critical. "

I've definitely managed to treat myself more kindly than I used to. Usually.

Do you know why you are so critical?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I do jokingly put myself down, generally in silly ways. My biggest problem is not giving my self enough credit, I need to pat myself on the back more often I think.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to. I still can. But I try not to. Having kids was the changing factor. I do not want them growing up thinking it's OK to put yourself down when we are all human and humans make mistakes or bad choices.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have done for some time, but a few people have recently started to change my opinion of myself, and I’m beginning to embrace myself a lot more just lately.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, I do. But I don't put myself down to other people often, its only really my partner who hears that side of me complain. I just think it makes other people feel uncomfortable and they'll mostly always disagree so I don't really acknowledge that side of me when with others. I worry it can come across as fishing for compliments too even though it's genuinely never been about that for me.

I'd say I mostly put myself down over my appearance and my anxiety because I feel like it holds me back in life from being the best version of me. I guess that comes from life experiences and never feeling good enough. But I've definitely learnt to be kinder to myself as the years have passed, but it's not an easy thing to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All the bloody time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yeah i would agree i put my self down in various aspects like on here for example i think no ones going to want to meet me etc but then in everyday life too from work thinking am i really good enough and then to simple things like driving

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By *he love catsCouple
over a year ago

South Wales

Yes always and it doesn't matter what people say it won't change, my husband has tried for year's but to no avail, I hate the way I look and that's it, it's never going to change no matter what. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes I do. I don't think I'm as horrible as I used to be to myself. But still very critical.

I've definitely managed to treat myself more kindly than I used to. Usually.

Do you know why you are so critical?"

It's ridiculously difficult to break the habit of a lifetime isn't it? It's a pattern I've followed since childhood. I think for the last 20+ years it's the influence of my long term ex who was emotionally abusive.

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By *dventurous_92Couple
over a year ago

Blackburn

"From experience: It can definitely be hard to love yourself. Learn to love everything and anything despite what others think. Positive thinking helps a lot

Mrs

Can you love yourself and think positively and yet also put yourself down?"

Yes you can think positively aswell as putting ourself down. There will always be something that we pick on (dislike) on our selves. I just learnt to love me as I am

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes unfortunately I do,as been told many times that not good enough and told I'm too big. So it comes so easy to do it myself

That's a big part of it. Being told negative things so much and so often does encourage us to believe them.

If you can find happiness and peace with yourself, that's wonderful. And the most important thing. Once you can love yourself, you can find the strength to change yourself if you want to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I do, so I'm told anyway. But whatever I say about myself is what I genuinely think, not asking for compliments or for people to disagree. Compliments can annoy me anyway!

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By *irth VaderMan
over a year ago

Bothwell

Brian Harvey from East 17 runs himself down but that’s a different story.

I have zero awareness of someone is flirting with me and on the rate occasion I get a compliment I can’t handle it and think they are taking the piss.

Brits are self deprecating at the best of times.

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By *all Guy 00Man
over a year ago

Dumfries

"Yes unfortunately I do,as been told many times that not good enough and told I'm too big. So it comes so easy to do it myself

That's a big part of it. Being told negative things so much and so often does encourage us to believe them.

If you can find happiness and peace with yourself, that's wonderful. And the most important thing. Once you can love yourself, you can find the strength to change yourself if you want to."

Thats true I am getting there, then get put back to square 1 time after time. Have in last few weeks have found 2 great people on here who have been great to me.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yep, I do, one of my worst negative thoughts patterns.

Still working on challenging those types of thoughts sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much.

MJ xx"

One of my best friends lost her shit with me one day and I hear her voice often (maybe not enough) when I vocalise the negative.

She told me that if I heard someone say all these things about one of my friends, I'd go mental at the person saying them. So she reserves the right to go mental at me when I say them about her friend (me).

I like and am terrified of the idea of writing those thoughts down.

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By *elshkinkyMan
over a year ago

south wales

Not generally… I’m comfortable about my flaws and not perfect in some eyes but hey… we all have things we’d like to change

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used too.

But some experiences in the past 10yrs have made me realise that I'm no better or worse than anyone else. So with that logic, I should be extending myself the same respect that I would the next person. Until they show themselves to be an utter fud that is

There will always be a long line of people waiting to have a pop because it's human nature to envy and be jealous. Why do there job for them?

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

"Brian Harvey from East 17 runs himself down but that’s a different story.

I have zero awareness of someone is flirting with me and on the rate occasion I get a compliment I can’t handle it and think they are taking the piss.

Brits are self deprecating at the best of times. "

Love the Brian Harvey reference, made me chuckle!

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Posh its your armour and it's served you well for a long time, one day you will shed it all but even from a distance I can see you discarding one piece at a time.

Stick with it at your pace you are doing great"

Love you C.

I think I tend to keep hold of the armour like a comfort blanket. Every so often I grab a piece back. But I think maybe it's a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back thing now. So that's a win. They're just little steps.

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

I have a self deprecating sense of humour, but generally no I don’t put myself down. I am aware of some of my limitations, or what some may consider flaws, and don’t shy away from them. Instead I embrace and own them.

My philosophy is no one is better than anyone else. They may have different skills, they may have been successful at some things, they may have godlike genetics but that doesn’t make them better than me any more than I am them.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yeah, do it to myself all the time. It's an internal thing usually. See Amber's "Cute" thread for how my inner daemons deal with compliments (genuine ones). "

Your comment on that thread was the other part of the trigger to this thread. I know these inner demons are something you and I have in common.

And you're gorgeous. Inside and out. Except your feet. Because feet are never gorgeous.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Used to have low self-esteem which was linked to depression but learnt over the years the better i feel about myself both physically and in person the less the depression sneaks in. Not 100 % but i know which i prefer

Mr.Wet&willing

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By *merald Eyes XWoman
over a year ago

Can you find me….

Yes I do it….

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I do jokingly put myself down, generally in silly ways. My biggest problem is not giving my self enough credit, I need to pat myself on the back more often I think.

So why don't you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Self-deprecating humour is an interesting one. I have generally stopped doing it though I understand why it happens.

As a defence it can be used to deflect insults as you are joining in.

You have to be very aware that what you tell yourself will ultimately become true. If you put yourself down all the time then when other people do it you believe it even more as it just reinforces your own voice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I used to. I still can. But I try not to. Having kids was the changing factor. I do not want them growing up thinking it's OK to put yourself down when we are all human and humans make mistakes or bad choices."

There's also one defining moment where I look back and think wow, all my self hate I deflected onto a man and he just took it knowing I needed to get it off my chest and I would do less damage saying it to him than looking in the mirror and saying it to myself.

I think the majority of my care of what people thought of me disappeared then when I had chance to reflect and it's stuck now there's mini me's running around.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"Yeah, do it to myself all the time. It's an internal thing usually. See Amber's "Cute" thread for how my inner daemons deal with compliments (genuine ones).

Your comment on that thread was the other part of the trigger to this thread. I know these inner demons are something you and I have in common.

And you're gorgeous. Inside and out. Except your feet. Because feet are never gorgeous.

Nice to have inspired something today

And thank you (except my feet, they say "poo to you"

)

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

That's one thing that I firmly believe. The adults in my life as a child are a big part of the self hatred, self confidence and self worth issues I have now.

I don't have kids, but the kids in my life are too important and too awesome to get those issues from me. So I try and hold back when I'm with them.

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

Not any more.

At the same time I don't big myself up either or pretend to be something I'm not.

I accept who I am.

There are enough people out there who take pleasure in putting people down without me encouraging them.

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By *100Man
over a year ago

Essex

I always doubt myself which makes me try harder and never give up with anything I need to do

I put it down to my father being over critical and always saying you don’t want to do it like that you want to do it like this until he gets his own way but I always prove him wrong which feels great I just wish he would shut up I’m 51 and he still drives me nuts

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By *ollycouple71Couple
over a year ago

manchester

Yes all the time xx

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I have done for some time, but a few people have recently started to change my opinion of myself, and I’m beginning to embrace myself a lot more just lately. "

That is absolutely fantastic to read.

Do be aware that it is not a straight road. There will be twists and turns. But as long as you put one foot in front of the other and keep going, you will get there.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Well I'm critical of myself and I'm not where I want to be body wise but not to point where am a downer all the time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I do it all the time..

I'm really horrible to myself at times even when I'm alone.

I think sometimes it is a defence mechanism. If I'm doing it then it will save others or make their put downs hurt less.

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Not deliberately, but years of being told things you learn to believe them so just repeat them. I'm learning not to as I'll never break the cycle if I don't

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

I had a parent who had a "talent" for putting people down , so I make a conscious effort not to, be it myself or others.

Why make yourself feel shit? What benefit is there in that?

Make 2022 the year you are kind to yourself OP

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

I see it as being truthful about myself and how I feel about myself, its also a coping mechanism, no one can say anything worse than I already have. Like water off a ducks back.

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By *ensuallover1000Man
over a year ago

Somewhere In The Ether…

Never!

I’m fucking awesome!

I know it. You know it. Even any pets you own know it

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes, I do. But I don't put myself down to other people often, its only really my partner who hears that side of me complain. I just think it makes other people feel uncomfortable and they'll mostly always disagree so I don't really acknowledge that side of me when with others. I worry it can come across as fishing for compliments too even though it's genuinely never been about that for me.

I do completely agree with what you say about how others react. That's the kicker. And the reason I usually either pass off what I've said as a joke, or say it in my head instead of out loud.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"All the bloody time

xx"

Can you find a way to stop? Or to lessen it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I see it as being truthful about myself and how I feel about myself, its also a coping mechanism, no one can say anything worse than I already have. Like water off a ducks back. "

I've never seen any one else say this. I've always thought I'm being truthful about myself. I'm not great. I can't in all honesty look at myself and what I've done and think that. I don't however say the really horrible things I used to say to myself. And I try very hard not to put myself down in front of my kids it's an internal thing only.

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By *o30Woman
over a year ago

Lincoln

I'm bloody brilliant at putting myself down. Mostly regarding my looks. I don't believe compliments when they are given.

Been told lots of times that I do it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can do serious damage psychologically putting yourself down all the time.

Easy to do it but way harder to undo

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yeah i would agree i put my self down in various aspects like on here for example i think no ones going to want to meet me etc but then in everyday life too from work thinking am i really good enough and then to simple things like driving"

How do you mean with driving?

I have gone through my entire adult life waiting for someone to realise I'm a total faker when it comes to being an adult, work life and all that. I hate to say it but the feeling of that never seems likely to go away

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

"I see it as being truthful about myself and how I feel about myself, its also a coping mechanism, no one can say anything worse than I already have. Like water off a ducks back.

Never in front of my children, others did that for me!

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes always and it doesn't matter what people say it won't change, my husband has tried for year's but to no avail, I hate the way I look and that's it, it's never going to change no matter what. X"

Would you change the way you feel if you could? Or the way you look?

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes I do. I don't think I'm as horrible as I used to be to myself. But still very critical.

I've definitely managed to treat myself more kindly than I used to. Usually.

Do you know why you are so critical?

We have a lot in common, you and I

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I probably do a good line in good natured self deprecation, but nothing major. Definitely feel it sometimes, but never verbalise it when I do

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By *verage Guy90Man
over a year ago

Stockton On Tees

I tend to assume most things I'm average at and that's not me putting myself down,but I more think realistic. I don't feel bad for thinking like that and if there's something I think I'm decent at I will claim it. But as a general rule I would rather slightly under estimate myself than over.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I see it as being truthful about myself and how I feel about myself, its also a coping mechanism, no one can say anything worse than I already have. Like water off a ducks back.

Never in front of my children, others did that for me! "

I got rid of the one person who did that. He still does it with one of my kids and then I hear those words parroted back to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes I do. I don't think I'm as horrible as I used to be to myself. But still very critical.

I've definitely managed to treat myself more kindly than I used to. Usually.

Do you know why you are so critical?

We have a lot in common, you and I"

I hope it's good stuff too, lovely

I hear my ex's voice in my head and then I know to pick myself up.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"From experience: It can definitely be hard to love yourself. Learn to love everything and anything despite what others think. Positive thinking helps a lot

Mrs

Can you love yourself and think positively and yet also put yourself down?

Yes you can think positively aswell as putting ourself down. There will always be something that we pick on (dislike) on our selves. I just learnt to love me as I am

x "

That's really rather wonderful to read!

And I think that is the goal of every person really.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Having an exchange with a lovely friend.... and he said I'm very good at putting myself down. This isn't the first time I've been told it, and it is actually factual. I am very good at it.

On reflection, I'm pretty sure I know why I do it. And I'm pretty sure I'm not unique in my reasons.

So.... do you put yourself down, either privately or to others? And do you know or suspect you know why? Would you share why?

Also. No one should put anyone down, even themselves. Especially themselves actually. Easy to say, easy to live by when it comes to others. Not so easy when it comes to ourselves. You're all awesome

I do

After years of feeling not good enough and of low self esteem, it's an automatic self defence mechanism

I feel like I echo the thoughts of those I'm with and get in early to disarm them or to lessen the blow of their teasing

I know I am good enough now, on both a professional and a human level

Kicking old habits is harder to master than celebrating the person you have become though

So, from time to time, the old me kicks in

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I do, so I'm told anyway. But whatever I say about myself is what I genuinely think, not asking for compliments or for people to disagree. Compliments can annoy me anyway! "

I think this is something that's often the case. Self awareness is great, but can come across as self flagellation. And because our view of ourselves is subjective, another person's view differing is likely. And they can't see what we see any more than we can see what they do.

Makes it hard.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Brian Harvey from East 17 runs himself down but that’s a different story.

I have zero awareness of someone is flirting with me and on the rate occasion I get a compliment I can’t handle it and think they are taking the piss.

Brits are self deprecating at the best of times. "

I really wish I had a clue what you mean about Brian Harvey..... I'm baffled

I assume anyone flirting with me doesn't actually mean it, and it takes a lot to convince me otherwise. So I get that.

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

"I see it as being truthful about myself and how I feel about myself, its also a coping mechanism, no one can say anything worse than I already have. Like water off a ducks back.

Never in front of my children, others did that for me!

I got rid of the one person who did that. He still does it with one of my kids and then I hear those words parroted back to me.

I know that feeling too well., mine are of an age where they can make up their own minds thankfully

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By *he love catsCouple
over a year ago

South Wales

"Yes always and it doesn't matter what people say it won't change, my husband has tried for year's but to no avail, I hate the way I look and that's it, it's never going to change no matter what. X

Would you change the way you feel if you could? Or the way you look?"

Without listing all the things I would love to change, yes I would like to feel and look differently. X

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli

Yes I do sometimes, there's things I'd love to change about myself but also things about me that I know are hard to find in other people so it evens out a bit

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By *onderingpurposeMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I think that self-deprecation is an endearing feature. Anyone who only projects a totally positive image of themselves is lying to themselves and others. We all have faults and imperfections. To hide them is hiding a crucial aspect of yourself.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes unfortunately I do,as been told many times that not good enough and told I'm too big. So it comes so easy to do it myself

That's a big part of it. Being told negative things so much and so often does encourage us to believe them.

If you can find happiness and peace with yourself, that's wonderful. And the most important thing. Once you can love yourself, you can find the strength to change yourself if you want to.

Thats true I am getting there, then get put back to square 1 time after time. Have in last few weeks have found 2 great people on here who have been great to me."

One thing I have been told, and totally believe, is that self love has to come from within. Others can help and can make things easier, but learning to listen to the good things they say is so hard.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think that self-deprecation is an endearing feature. Anyone who only projects a totally positive image of themselves is lying to themselves and others. We all have faults and imperfections. To hide them is hiding a crucial aspect of yourself."

Well said

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Not generally… I’m comfortable about my flaws and not perfect in some eyes but hey… we all have things we’d like to change "

We absolutely do.

Comfortable with yourself is a great thing. And I am looking forward to getting there.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Depends on which area of my life we're talking about. Was told I was stupid etc when I was younger for not being able to spell and do mental arithmetic. So I used to put myself down intelligence wise. May have odd moments now and again but on the whole I believe I'm pretty intelligent.

Looks though is a bit harder, I worked to get my bits of paper so I could prove them all wrong. But looks are subjective, so it's more difficult to prove to yourself you are if that kind of makes sense?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well said

Echoed

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I used too.

There will always be a long line of people waiting to have a pop because it's human nature to envy and be jealous. Why do there job for them?"

That's basically what my close mate (referenced somewhere ^ up there) said.

I like your logic

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I have a self deprecating sense of humour, but generally no I don’t put myself down. I am aware of some of my limitations, or what some may consider flaws, and don’t shy away from them. Instead I embrace and own them.

Do you think that others realise that it is your sense of humour and not you being serious though?

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By *all Guy 00Man
over a year ago

Dumfries

"Yes unfortunately I do,as been told many times that not good enough and told I'm too big. So it comes so easy to do it myself

That's a big part of it. Being told negative things so much and so often does encourage us to believe them.

If you can find happiness and peace with yourself, that's wonderful. And the most important thing. Once you can love yourself, you can find the strength to change yourself if you want to.

Thats true I am getting there, then get put back to square 1 time after time. Have in last few weeks have found 2 great people on here who have been great to me.

One thing I have been told, and totally believe, is that self love has to come from within. Others can help and can make things easier, but learning to listen to the good things they say is so hard."

Been through a lot over past few years. Getting there slowly.As with most guys never share my true feelings over things.

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By *rooperRedMan
over a year ago

Littlehampton

It really depends on the reasons why. I'm a part-time coach and this stuff can pop up.

For example, I have a very dark sense of humour, so I'll put myself down as a form of self-irony. I'm not really old, or fat, or ugly (although a quick scan through the veris of some people I really fancy, and I feel really old, far, and ugly).

At its core, as long as it's coming from a position of "I'm ok", as in a bit of banter almost it's fine. If it's coming from a position if "I'm not ok" (like me looking at veris), then it can turn into a sense of victimisation and lead to all sorts of self-esteem issues.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Used to have low self-esteem which was linked to depression but learnt over the years the better i feel about myself both physically and in person the less the depression sneaks in. Not 100 % but i know which i prefer

Mr.Wet&willing

That's a really good thing. And I think physical and mental health are so closely linked in many ways.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes I do, after years of hearing the you’re not good enough, too fat. Ugly, no one else would want you etc I believed it all and more.

I try not to carry on the cycle but I’m still in survival mode. I do like to get compliments but only from people I trust. And that is a very small number x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think those that don't openly put themselves down are necessarily in denial about having faults or imperfections

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes I do it…. "

Do you know why? And is it something you want to, and can work on?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m not sure why projecting a totally positive image is lying. Owning faults and imperfections means that they are positive features not ones that we should talk down to ourselves about.

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By *onderingpurposeMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I don't think those that don't openly put themselves down are necessarily in denial about having faults or imperfections "

Maybe and if that is the case it can't be a healthy thing to internalise it and keep it under lock and key.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Brian Harvey from East 17 runs himself down but that’s a different story.

I have zero awareness of someone is flirting with me and on the rate occasion I get a compliment I can’t handle it and think they are taking the piss.

Brits are self deprecating at the best of times. "

I'm exactly the same!!

I couldn't tell you if someone was flirting with me /fancied me...

I just think they are being friendly/polite.

As for compliments... Never been any good in receiving them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I do jokingly put myself down, generally in silly ways. My biggest problem is not giving my self enough credit, I need to pat myself on the back more often I think.

So why don't you?

Because I'm a perfectionist and will always see the floors in everything I do. Something I didn't even realise about myself until about 7 years ago. I'm getting better at appreciating my efforts by taking a positive perspective on them. Focusing on the things that worked, look good or whatever and telling myself that perfection comes with experience and experience comes with mistakes.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Self-deprecating humour is an interesting one. I have generally stopped doing it though I understand why it happens.

As a defence it can be used to deflect insults as you are joining in.

One of my favourite humans told me similar a couple of weeks ago. He said that putting yourself down gives others permission to do it too.

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By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

I used to do it a lot in a serious way but realised that there's only so much support people can give me before they can find me a chore to be around.

Nowadays I only take the piss out of myself in a self deprecating way for humour as a way to justify also taking the piss out of my mates

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

I think the majority of my care of what people thought of me disappeared then when I had chance to reflect and it's stuck now there's mini me's running around. "

That's a special man

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yeah, do it to myself all the time. It's an internal thing usually. See Amber's "Cute" thread for how my inner daemons deal with compliments (genuine ones).

Your comment on that thread was the other part of the trigger to this thread. I know these inner demons are something you and I have in common.

And you're gorgeous. Inside and out. Except your feet. Because feet are never gorgeous.

Nice to have inspired something today

And thank you (except my feet, they say "poo to you"

I mean.... erm.... as feet go yours are obviously a delight

You inspire me often Mrs. I should tell you more

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think those that don't openly put themselves down are necessarily in denial about having faults or imperfections

Maybe and if that is the case it can't be a healthy thing to internalise it and keep it under lock and key."

I think you've misunderstood what I wrote

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Not any more.

At the same time I don't big myself up either or pretend to be something I'm not.

I accept who I am.

There are enough people out there who take pleasure in putting people down without me encouraging them. "

You're one of the people I've seen as completely balanced and "at one" with yourself the whole time I've been reading you on the forum.

I believe I've mentioned before it's refreshing and impressive.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

I don't think those that don't openly put themselves down are necessarily in denial about having faults or imperfections

Maybe and if that is the case it can't be a healthy thing to internalise it and keep it under lock and key."

I mainly internalise it. Only Mr KC and occasionally my gym PT hear it out loud. It's my inner voice that puts me down, it's not an overt thing the vast majority of the time.

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By *onderingpurposeMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I’m not sure why projecting a totally positive image is lying. Owning faults and imperfections means that they are positive features not ones that we should talk down to ourselves about. "

Granted, lying could be too strong a word but I think the sentiment stands. I'm not sure that owning a fault makes it a positive feature though

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By *eardedman7Man
over a year ago

Berkshire

Think after the last couple of years, I’ve lost confidence. Just need to find it and get back on track

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m not sure why projecting a totally positive image is lying. Owning faults and imperfections means that they are positive features not ones that we should talk down to ourselves about.

Granted, lying could be too strong a word but I think the sentiment stands. I'm not sure that owning a fault makes it a positive feature though"

Once you admit and own a fault or insecurity you can start to work on it. It you ignore them and use something like humour to deflect, you will never face them

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I always doubt myself which makes me try harder and never give up with anything I need to do

Adults have the greatest influence on us as kids, and it takes a lot to be able to change our reactions to the important adults in our lives even when we too are adults.

It sucks.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes all the time xx"

I hope that you can find a way not to. Or to do it less anyway

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Well I'm critical of myself and I'm not where I want to be body wise but not to point where am a downer all the time. "

That's a good balance to find Mag, and as long as you can keep that balance that's a wonderful thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I see it as being truthful about myself and how I feel about myself, its also a coping mechanism, no one can say anything worse than I already have. Like water off a ducks back.

Never in front of my children, others did that for me!

I got rid of the one person who did that. He still does it with one of my kids and then I hear those words parroted back to me.

I know that feeling too well., mine are of an age where they can make up their own minds thankfully "

I'm hoping we will get there soon. Early teens now.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I do it all the time..

I'm really horrible to myself at times even when I'm alone.

I think sometimes it is a defence mechanism. If I'm doing it then it will save others or make their put downs hurt less.

I think that is absolutely a big part of it for most of us. A pre-emptive defence. Doesn't work though. Yet we still do it

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Think most of us do to some degree! X

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Not deliberately, but years of being told things you learn to believe them so just repeat them. I'm learning not to as I'll never break the cycle if I don't "

That's a big thing, isn't it. Years of conditioning.

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By *onderingpurposeMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I’m not sure why projecting a totally positive image is lying. Owning faults and imperfections means that they are positive features not ones that we should talk down to ourselves about.

Granted, lying could be too strong a word but I think the sentiment stands. I'm not sure that owning a fault makes it a positive feature though

Once you admit and own a fault or insecurity you can start to work on it. It you ignore them and use something like humour to deflect, you will never face them "

I agree with the vast majority of that but I'm not sure that all insecurities can be fixed and humour can be useful in dealing with them.

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By *tarflyLouWoman
over a year ago

Preston

I do. I feel that if I’m positive about something else that others see as negative then they’ll think I’m stupid. I was also raised to believe that blowing your own trumpet is a bad thing.

I’ve literally just bottled a conversation with somebody who messaged me on here, telling him he’s out of my league and I don’t want to waste his time because I can’t believe somebody like him would want to meet me. I always feel my pics aren’t an accurate depiction of me and I’m fooling people into thinking I look better than. I do in reality

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes most definitely I have seen a therapist about it as I let it get to far.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m not sure why projecting a totally positive image is lying. Owning faults and imperfections means that they are positive features not ones that we should talk down to ourselves about.

Granted, lying could be too strong a word but I think the sentiment stands. I'm not sure that owning a fault makes it a positive feature though

Once you admit and own a fault or insecurity you can start to work on it. It you ignore them and use something like humour to deflect, you will never face them

I agree with the vast majority of that but I'm not sure that all insecurities can be fixed and humour can be useful in dealing with them."

The Stoics certainly believed in using humour to deal with them

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I had a parent who had a "talent" for putting people down , so I make a conscious effort not to, be it myself or others.

Why make yourself feel shit? What benefit is there in that?

Make 2022 the year you are kind to yourself OP

I still have a parent who told me (and still does on the odd occasion I actually have to speak to her) all the worst things I have been told about myself. Sadly she hasn't been alone all these years. And although it has probably encouraged me to consciously not put others down, I know that hers and the other voices are the ones that tell me that the negative things about me are true.

I wish I'd found the ability to treat myself as I treat others and not as those people treat me.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I see it as being truthful about myself and how I feel about myself, its also a coping mechanism, no one can say anything worse than I already have. Like water off a ducks back. "

I think that is most of it in a nutshell. Sadly I do also think that people prove again and again that they can be so much crueller.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Never!

I’m fucking awesome!

I know it. You know it. Even any pets you own know it

My dogs absolutely always knew it.

I need a new dog.

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By *ilverjagMan
over a year ago

swansea

Well for what it's worth, I'm not egocentric by any stretch of the imagination, and always listen to considered opinion, but I've always held the belief that, if you don't believe in yourself, and the courage of your convictions, how the hell can you expect anyone else to believe in you? That comes from a lifetime of seeing high achievers come from nowhere to being very successful people, and I've done my best not just to follow their example, but learn from them, and lead by their example. Don't run yourselves down, claw yourselves up, and swing the world by its tail!

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By *atricia ParnelWoman
over a year ago

In a town full of colours

I’m not sure why projecting a totally positive image is lying. Owning faults and imperfections means that they are positive features not ones that we should talk down to ourselves about.

Granted, lying could be too strong a word but I think the sentiment stands. I'm not sure that owning a fault makes it a positive feature though"

Who decides what is a 'fault'?

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By *amie HantsWoman
over a year ago

Atlantis

I have quite a self deprecating sense of humour but that’s purely because I enjoy making people laugh. I’m pretty hard on myself in private some days. Only when I’m stressed though. I’d say I’m quite kind to myself most days, but it does take work- it doesn’t come naturally

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I'm bloody brilliant at putting myself down. Mostly regarding my looks. I don't believe compliments when they are given.

Been told lots of times that I do it "

It takes a lot for me to believe a compliment on my looks.

That comes from a variety of things, including having always been told "you're so nice (sweet, lovely etc)" when everyone else was "sexy, gorgeous" etc. It makes you doubt your looks.

People constantly say that they're attracted to personality over looks..... but we all know that the window dressing is the first thing that people see. So to never have been complimented previously..... it is hard to believe when the compliments come.

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By *onderingpurposeMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I’m not sure why projecting a totally positive image is lying. Owning faults and imperfections means that they are positive features not ones that we should talk down to ourselves about.

Granted, lying could be too strong a word but I think the sentiment stands. I'm not sure that owning a fault makes it a positive feature though

Once you admit and own a fault or insecurity you can start to work on it. It you ignore them and use something like humour to deflect, you will never face them

I agree with the vast majority of that but I'm not sure that all insecurities can be fixed and humour can be useful in dealing with them.

The Stoics certainly believed in using humour to deal with them "

Not very stoic of them

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

I put myself down all the time.

For me it is mainly, a lack of confidence in myself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Who decides what is a 'fault'?"

It seems to be what people decide they don't like they see as a fault or "not normal" so then have to tell you or others about it.

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

I do to myself all the time I just don't vocalise it on here ...

I know what I am but at least I'm comfortable with knowing that ..

I won't say too much on you Posh because I've told you a thousand times to stop putting yourself down but only you can sort that x

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By *olly_chromaticTV/TS
over a year ago

Stockport

The things that I'm good at, I know that I'm bloody good at. But interpersonal relationships have always been difficult for me, and the physical side of that is something where I do lack confidence. I very much need the other person to take the lead in initiating sexual contact, my own attempts to indicate when I find someone desirable seem very awkward to me and are usually unsuccessful. Maybe I just need to be able to say plainly "I like you, do you want to fuck?" to women, but that both feels too aggressive and I'm unable to believe could ever end well.

I feel sort of stuck halfway along the transwoman spectrum, wanting to be someone that I know I can never be, being an ugly duckling that isn't ever going to grow into a swan. Occasionally interesting to others as some kind of sexual curiosity, but not going to start anything myself as I know that I'm not going to be what they really want.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is it a defense mechanism for some people..like they put themselves down in a way to get in there first b4 others put them down

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We don’t need to, we’ve got the McDonald’s king to do that for us now

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By *onderingpurposeMan
over a year ago

Belfast

"We don’t need to, we’ve got the McDonald’s king to do that for us now "

Opened that thread. Closed that thread

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yea allll the time, I also don't deal with fake compliments on here to get your knickers off

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

No. I'm realistic about who I am and what I look like.

I'd be catfishing if I made myself out to be someone I'm not.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"We don’t need to, we’ve got the McDonald’s king to do that for us now "

Yep always somebody isn't there?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I put myself down all the fucking time lol saves people getting their expectations too high x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We don’t need to, we’ve got the McDonald’s king to do that for us now

Opened that thread. Closed that thread"

I wish I had ignored it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yea allll the time, I also don't deal with fake compliments on here to get your knickers off

Fake complaints come from fake people

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By *stbury DavenportMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

I do not put myself down. I have an uncommonly objective grasp of my myriad shortcomings.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"You can do serious damage psychologically putting yourself down all the time.

Easy to do it but way harder to undo "

I think there is an element of chicken and egg actually..... does the damage already caused cause the putting down or does the putting down cause the damage?

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I probably do a good line in good natured self deprecation, but nothing major. Definitely feel it sometimes, but never verbalise it when I do "

Does the self depreciation not come across as more potentially in text form?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yea allll the time, I also don't deal with fake compliments on here to get your knickers off

Fake complaints come from fake people

haven't you got something to do for me

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I tend to assume most things I'm average at and that's not me putting myself down,but I more think realistic. I don't feel bad for thinking like that and if there's something I think I'm decent at I will claim it. But as a general rule I would rather slightly under estimate myself than over. "

Can you accept when others compliment you though?

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes I do. I don't think I'm as horrible as I used to be to myself. But still very critical.

I've definitely managed to treat myself more kindly than I used to. Usually.

Do you know why you are so critical?

We have a lot in common, you and I

I hope it's good stuff too, lovely

I hear my ex's voice in my head and then I know to pick myself up."

It's good stuff too lovely.

So hoping to see you in April!

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

I do

After years of feeling not good enough and of low self esteem, it's an automatic self defence mechanism

I feel like I echo the thoughts of those I'm with and get in early to disarm them or to lessen the blow of their teasing

I know I am good enough now, on both a professional and a human level

Kicking old habits is harder to master than celebrating the person you have become though

So, from time to time, the old me kicks in "

Bussy, you've got a fantastic handle on it most of the time. And you put it beautifully.

I can appreciate sometimes the good parts of me. Sometimes. But I can't stop the old habit no matter what.

You're a fantastic man.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes always and it doesn't matter what people say it won't change, my husband has tried for year's but to no avail, I hate the way I look and that's it, it's never going to change no matter what. X

Would you change the way you feel if you could? Or the way you look?

Without listing all the things I would love to change, yes I would like to feel and look differently. X"

I hope one day you can find a way to feel differently. And if that means you change how you look, I hope that works.

I will say, changing how I look didn't work when I did it

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By *aiseiMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

Sometimes it’s purely in jest; if fact, if I do so publicly it almost always will be.

Privately I’m far more critical of myself. I set myself a high bar and generally kick myself if I don’t meet it.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes I do sometimes, there's things I'd love to change about myself but also things about me that I know are hard to find in other people so it evens out a bit "

You've always seemed so balanced to me. And once again you proved that

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes I do. I think most people have moments of putting themselves down at some point or other. I don't really vocalise it often for fear of it being seen as a) needy as fuck and b) requiring compliments to combat it. It doesn't need compliments, it needs me to work on it. We talk about treating ourselves as we treat others but I'm going to tweak that. I'm going to treat myself like a best friend. With realism, honesty but also care and kindness.

I am realistic about who I am most of the time. I know I'm not awesome (not putting myself down). I know my flaws, I'm a work in progress, all that cliched stuff. But I'm good enough. I've had enough people who'd want to (or have tried to) put me down with unkindness so why add to that? I can unlearn defence mechanisms and relearn a healthier attitude towards myself without bordering on narcissism (although I am rather liking how I look in the mirror right now

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

I think hiding them is actually just as much of a self preservation act as being open about them. Just in a different way.

And thank you WP

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By *he love catsCouple
over a year ago

South Wales

"Yes always and it doesn't matter what people say it won't change, my husband has tried for year's but to no avail, I hate the way I look and that's it, it's never going to change no matter what. X

Would you change the way you feel if you could? Or the way you look?

Without listing all the things I would love to change, yes I would like to feel and look differently. X

I hope one day you can find a way to feel differently. And if that means you change how you look, I hope that works.

I will say, changing how I look didn't work when I did it

Thanks for the thread op seems a lot of people are feeling the same, may I add mostly women, hope you and them can feel better and more confident, I will keep trying as well. X

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Depends on which area of my life we're talking about. Was told I was stupid etc when I was younger for not being able to spell and do mental arithmetic. So I used to put myself down intelligence wise. May have odd moments now and again but on the whole I believe I'm pretty intelligent.

That absolutely makes sense. Because you can always find an excuse for any good things people say that your internal voice doesn't agree with.

Compliments on here, for example, usually (not always and not from everyone) just make me think "he is just saying that because he thinks of me as a willing hole, as opposed to actually believing it".

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes unfortunately I do,as been told many times that not good enough and told I'm too big. So it comes so easy to do it myself

That's a big part of it. Being told negative things so much and so often does encourage us to believe them.

If you can find happiness and peace with yourself, that's wonderful. And the most important thing. Once you can love yourself, you can find the strength to change yourself if you want to.

Thats true I am getting there, then get put back to square 1 time after time. Have in last few weeks have found 2 great people on here who have been great to me.

One thing I have been told, and totally believe, is that self love has to come from within. Others can help and can make things easier, but learning to listen to the good things they say is so hard.

Been through a lot over past few years. Getting there slowly.As with most guys never share my true feelings over things. "

I always find that so sad. Everyone should be able to share their true feelings, openly. At least with one or two other people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No I never do that. My mum has no problem doing it to me though

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"It really depends on the reasons why. I'm a part-time coach and this stuff can pop up.

I think when you're in the "I'm not ok" stages (you as in we all, not you specifically), fab can be a dangerous place to be.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes I do, after years of hearing the you’re not good enough, too fat. Ugly, no one else would want you etc I believed it all and more.

I try not to carry on the cycle but I’m still in survival mode. I do like to get compliments but only from people I trust. And that is a very small number x "

Survival mode is absolutely the best description I feel for most of us who have been through that.

You, lovely, have your people. And as long as you can believe them, you'll begin to believe in you.

I absolutely believe in you x

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Brian Harvey from East 17 runs himself down but that’s a different story.

I have zero awareness of someone is flirting with me and on the rate occasion I get a compliment I can’t handle it and think they are taking the piss.

Brits are self deprecating at the best of times.

I'm exactly the same!!

I couldn't tell you if someone was flirting with me /fancied me...

I just think they are being friendly/polite.

As for compliments... Never been any good in receiving them.

I'm no different. I'm convinced people are just being friendly or polite. Or are scr*ping the barrel with me. Or taking the piss....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes I do, after years of hearing the you’re not good enough, too fat. Ugly, no one else would want you etc I believed it all and more.

I try not to carry on the cycle but I’m still in survival mode. I do like to get compliments but only from people I trust. And that is a very small number x

Survival mode is absolutely the best description I feel for most of us who have been through that.

You, lovely, have your people. And as long as you can believe them, you'll begin to believe in you.

I absolutely believe in you x"

Thank you lovely, I’m glad to hear that you’re beginning to believe in yourself x

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By *heGateKeeperMan
over a year ago

Stratford

I went through a phase of it when I split with my ex but I don’t live in that negative space any longer. It took almost two years to shake

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I do, and I know it’s not a good thing, but it comes from a lick of self esteem, and self confidence.

I spent a long time in a marriage, where my appearance was picked apart and never good enough, and it’s affected me.

I’m still unpicking that really.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I do, and I know it’s not a good thing, but it comes from a lick of self esteem, and self confidence.

I spent a long time in a marriage, where my appearance was picked apart and never good enough, and it’s affected me.

I’m still unpicking that really. "

*Lack obv

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I do jokingly put myself down, generally in silly ways. My biggest problem is not giving my self enough credit, I need to pat myself on the back more often I think.

So why don't you?

That is beautifully positive.... and the fact you can pinpoint the moment it changed is such a good thing.

That final part about perfection..... you'll find your perfect.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I used to do it a lot in a serious way but realised that there's only so much support people can give me before they can find me a chore to be around.

Nowadays I only take the piss out of myself in a self deprecating way for humour as a way to justify also taking the piss out of my mates

I worry about being a chore sometimes. But I've been informed I'm not too bad (they just don't know me that well yet I reckon).

Do you think you take the piss out of you to take the sting out if they do it to you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks. "

It’s not really that simple.

I try not to do it, but when I do, it certainly isn’t for attention.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Think after the last couple of years, I’ve lost confidence. Just need to find it and get back on track"

That's absolutely true of so many people I would imagine. Were you ok before the last couple years?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

It’s not really that simple.

I try not to do it, but when I do, it certainly isn’t for attention."

I don't get why the need to do it then. The only reason I see is to get attention and compliments. If I feel down on myself I don't post anything.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

It’s not really that simple.

I try not to do it, but when I do, it certainly isn’t for attention.

I don't get why the need to do it then. The only reason I see is to get attention and compliments. If I feel down on myself I don't post anything."

I’m not talking about on here, I’m talking about real life

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By *ust PeachyWoman
over a year ago

Prestonish

"Having an exchange with a lovely friend.... and he said I'm very good at putting myself down. This isn't the first time I've been told it, and it is actually factual. I am very good at it.

On reflection, I'm pretty sure I know why I do it. And I'm pretty sure I'm not unique in my reasons.

So.... do you put yourself down, either privately or to others? And do you know or suspect you know why? Would you share why?

Also. No one should put anyone down, even themselves. Especially themselves actually. Easy to say, easy to live by when it comes to others. Not so easy when it comes to ourselves. You're all awesome

Hi op. I’m pretty self deprecating. I guess it started because I was the younger of 3 kids - and because I was often picked on in class (apparently I was an ugly child - I got told that a lot anyway). I learned that if I insulted myself first it took the power from others and they didn’t bother.

Nowadays I don’t get called ugly but I still get put down quite a lot - so I still self deprecate before they get a chance! (There should be a shrugging emoji on here)

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

It’s not really that simple.

I try not to do it, but when I do, it certainly isn’t for attention.

I don't get why the need to do it then. The only reason I see is to get attention and compliments. If I feel down on myself I don't post anything."

I put myself down internally. To myself. No-one else would know what I was thinking.

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By *inkyInkedBiWoman
over a year ago

I do it in my mind a lot

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

It’s not really that simple.

I try not to do it, but when I do, it certainly isn’t for attention.

I don't get why the need to do it then. The only reason I see is to get attention and compliments. If I feel down on myself I don't post anything.

I put myself down internally. To myself. No-one else would know what I was thinking. "

And also referring to "real life" also.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"No I never do that. My mum has no problem doing it to me though

"
xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am always putting myself down, probably due to listening to a toxic ex. I should know better, part of my role is to improve the self esteem of others. I try to recognise my positive, keeping a sense of humour helps

My advice is to accept that we cannot be perfect and those who appear to be will have faults

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks. "

"All that bollocks" is people's mental health. Perhaps have a read through the thread and you may feel differently.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Think most of us do to some degree! X"

I think we do. I'm finding it very interesting how many people are aware of why

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

"All that bollocks" is people's mental health. Perhaps have a read through the thread and you may feel differently. "

Doubtful

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

Plenty of people will do for you so try not too..

Good luck people

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

"All that bollocks" is people's mental health. Perhaps have a read through the thread and you may feel differently.

Doubtful "

Absolutely. Everyone knows I'm a bitch

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By *inkyInkedBiWoman
over a year ago

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

"All that bollocks" is people's mental health. Perhaps have a read through the thread and you may feel differently. "

Yes and I doubt anyone comments with a second thought of ‘impressing’ anyone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

"All that bollocks" is people's mental health. Perhaps have a read through the thread and you may feel differently.

Doubtful

Absolutely. Everyone knows I'm a bitch "

I admire you in some ways, because you genuinely don’t give a shit, but I’d rather be me with all my flaws and lack of self esteem

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By *entakuruMan
over a year ago

Exeter

I used to but I make an effort not to so much any more. Makes it harder for others to like you if you don't like yourself and it meant I was always getting in my own way. I still end up doing it sometimes though but not as badly as before.

I used to be shit at accepting compliments also, which I realise now makes the person giving the compliment feel upset or bad so trying to get better at that also.

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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago

Stirling

No I don’t, way I see it is we all make mistakes, we strive for things we may never achieve, we may feel envious or question our paths but if we stay true to ourselves and focus on our own self development we get to a place of comfort and contentment within ourselves - you just have to remove yourself from the situations that cause you to question what you know is good for you and what isn’t, no one can experience happiness till they are happy with themselves - I love who I am but it took me a while to get there, nothing wrong with being proud of that x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

"All that bollocks" is people's mental health. Perhaps have a read through the thread and you may feel differently.

Yes and I doubt anyone comments with a second thought of ‘impressing’ anyone "

Exactly. I had to woke myself up to replying, because I’m having a particularly rubbish day, and it’s hard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't do it and I'm not impressed by people who do. I really don't have time for all that bollocks.

"All that bollocks" is people's mental health. Perhaps have a read through the thread and you may feel differently.

Yes and I doubt anyone comments with a second thought of ‘impressing’ anyone "

Obviously I'm referring to those that feel the need to do it publicly. That is what I don't get

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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago

Dublin

I've quite a self deprecating sense of humour at times. However, deep down I think I'm amazing.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I do. I feel that if I’m positive about something else that others see as negative then they’ll think I’m stupid. I was also raised to believe that blowing your own trumpet is a bad thing.

Oh no! I'd love to say I can't believe it, but I can because I've done it.

I look at my pictures, and look in the mirror, or look down, and i can't see the woman in the pictures. I have been told my pics look just like me, but I can't believe it most of the time.

I completely believe most of the guys I've talked to (or am talking to) are out of my league. But there is something very important that I also believe. And that is personal choice. Regardless of what I think, (and assuming I want to meet them) he has his own feelings, his own choice to make, and it isn't up to me to attempt to take that away from him. Regardless of the fact I'm certain I'll end up being one of those "she was a catfish" stories.

Plus, someone has to be determined to want to meet me. I'm a pain in the arse and properly elusive a lot of the time.

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By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

"I used to do it a lot in a serious way but realised that there's only so much support people can give me before they can find me a chore to be around.

Nowadays I only take the piss out of myself in a self deprecating way for humour as a way to justify also taking the piss out of my mates

I worry about being a chore sometimes. But I've been informed I'm not too bad (they just don't know me that well yet I reckon).

Do you think you take the piss out of you to take the sting out if they do it to you?"

I think that was definitely the case to start off with but you've raised an interesting thing to think about because it was people I consider mates that do it, hence the back and forth and has probably shaped my attitude as an adult. Damn...

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

Thank you everyone who shared. I really appreciate the honest answers and it has been an interesting read.

The end of the thread meant I can't respond to everyone, and I can't do a second thread because it ended up a lot more emotive than I expected.

But I appreciate you all. Thank you.

And you are great. You're perfectly you. I hope you all can find a way to see your perfection.

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By *oreThanCurvyWoman
over a year ago

Bucks

I've learnt that life is too short and beautiful to put yourself down. I was in a violent relationship and I lost my confidence. Since I left him and he's not allowed near me, I'm so happy. I appreciate every day and don't worry about not important things. I'm not perfect, not everyone likes me, but I have my friends and family and I feel loved. I'm fat, but I like myself. I think everyone should try that. Everyone should love yourself and accept the things we can't change. X

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