FabSwingers.com forum: Dad jokes please

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hit me with your dad jokes please

(Yes, I might steal them, and I’m not even sorry

)

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

l asked a pirate what makes him the angriest?

He said when someone steals his p...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here is mine.

" "

Try stealing that one.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Here is mine.

" "

Try stealing that one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don’t eggs tell jokes?… it cracks them up

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Why don’t eggs tell jokes?… it cracks them up "

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

Continuing your theme...

Why are pirates so angry?

Because they aaarrrggghhh..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Like cracker jokes?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Continuing your theme...

Why are pirates so angry?

Because they aaarrrggghhh.. "

What’s a pirates favourite football team? Aaaaarsenal

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Like cracker jokes?"

Whatever you find funny, but I am a fan of rubbish dad jokes

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By *ai24Man
over a year ago

Hull

What do you call a lady on top of a house?

Ruth…..

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do you call a lady on top of a house?

Ruth….. "

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By *ai24Man
over a year ago

Hull

What do you call a man with no ankles?

Tony.

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By *hyguy469Man
over a year ago

BROMSGROVE

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

Hmmm I think it works better said aloud

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been thinking of selling John Lennon memorabilia on ebay. Imagine all the paypal!

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

Doug.

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?

Douglas.

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By *ai24Man
over a year ago

Hull

What do you call a man between two houses?

Ali.

I can only apologise!

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By *iggettMan
over a year ago

gorey

How do you get a squirrel to like you?

Act like a nut.

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By *horleygentMan
over a year ago

Accrington

Why were the bakers hands brown?

Because he kneaded a poo.

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By *ai24Man
over a year ago

Hull

A man of class! Bravo.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A drum kit falls off of a cliff. Badum boom tsshh!

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By *ost SockMan
over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

What’s brown and smells of poo?

…Gordon Brown having a poo.

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

A do you think he saurus.

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By *weet and SpiceCouple
over a year ago

Around the Midlands

"What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

Doug.

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?

Douglas."

You beat me to it with these

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By *weet and SpiceCouple
over a year ago

Around the Midlands

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Loving all these

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Why can't pirates say the alphabet?

Because they are always stuck at c.

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By *ai24Man
over a year ago

Hull

I like windmills.

I’m actually a really big fan….

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper.

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By *aucycouple85Couple
over a year ago

Coalville

The Mrs left me because of my fetish for pasta…

Now I’m feeling cannelloni…

Ahem

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"l asked a pirate what makes him the angriest?

He said when someone steals his p..."

Clever!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My mate didn’t believe me when I said I was going to make a bicycle out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I rode pasta.

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

What do call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea…

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

Turned into a field

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

Someone found a hole in the wall of a swingers club..

The police are looking into it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two snowmen in a field. One turns to the other and asks ‘can you smell carrots?’

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Time for a classic,

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

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By *hilledGuerillaMan
over a year ago

In the monkey house

Local police have had the wheels stolen from all their cars. The chief constable has said they are working tirelessly to find the offenders.

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By *eralt80Man
over a year ago

cork

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?

Sofishticated

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By *inell1Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

My wife didn't believe I could make a car out of spaghetti until I drove pasta

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By *winging90scoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northfield

My child has been learning Spanish in school for a while and still cannot say “please” which, I think, is poor for four

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By *ntrigued32Couple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Me: I just took my wife to the Caribbean…

Mate: Jamaica?

Me: nah, she wanted to come….

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I suffer from kleptomania, however, when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My girlfriend told me I was bad in bed

I told her it was unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute

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By *eilaandRickCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

What’s the difference between a Scotsman and Walt Disney? A Scotsman wears a kilt and Walt Disney

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By *ig_eric_tionMan
over a year ago

IPSWICH

Two nuns in a bath.. one Says where's the soap.. the other replies.. yes it does doesn't it.

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By *asilyled1Man
over a year ago

ogmore valley

Why didn’t Rudolph and blitzen sell on eBay?

Because they were two deer (thank you Xmas cracker)

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I LOVE all these

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By *ntrigued32Couple
over a year ago

Nottingham

What do you call a penguin in the desert?!

Lost!

Jo.Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the cannibal choose as his last meal?

Five Guys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My new Christmas jumper had a problem with static so I returned it…

They gave me a new one free of charge

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By *L2021Couple
over a year ago

manchester

What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose……

No body knows

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the stickiest bird...

The velcrow

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow “can I say a word” she replies “please do”

The man clears his throat and says “Bargain”

The widow replies “Thanks, that means a great deal”

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By *ingle ex cuckMan
over a year ago

chester

Why are men with small dicks like floor tiles?

Because once you lay them

You can walk all over them .

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Did you know, before crowbars were invented, crows just drank at home

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The genie asked, "What's your first

wish?"

Steve answered, "I wish I was

rich!" The genie continued, "What's

your second wish?"

"I want a nice long life," said Rich

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Did you know, before crowbars were invented, crows just drank at home

Yoink!

I’ve just nicked that one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do call a hippy blokes wife?..

Mississippi

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The genie asked, "What's your first

wish?"

Steve answered, "I wish I was

rich!" The genie continued, "What's

your second wish?"

"I want a nice long life," said Rich"

This has made me laugh out loud

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/12/21 12:45:04]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The genie asked, "What's your first

wish?"

Steve answered, "I wish I was

rich!" The genie continued, "What's

your second wish?"

"I want a nice long life," said Rich

This has made me laugh out loud

I can’t claim it as my own. I follow a dad jokes page on Twitter

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife asked me to put ketchup on

the shopping list.

Now I can't read anything

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My wife asked me to put ketchup on

the shopping list.

Now I can't read anything"

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By *ost SockMan
over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

What’s orange and makes a noise like a parrot?

…..a carrot.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What’s orange and makes a noise like a parrot?

…..a carrot."

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By *ategoodbyeMan
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m Shane MacGowan!

Well so could anyone.

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By *eilaandRickCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

Iron Man is a Fe male

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By *hyguy-77Man
over a year ago

everywhere

I got a globe for Christmas, then found out my neighbour received the same..

It’s a small world.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy goes to the doctor.

I touch my head it hurts.

I touch my leg it hurts.

I touch everything, it just hurts.

Doctor says. You've broke your finger.

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By *0hnnyBrav0Man
over a year ago

Great Wyrley

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef……….

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By *0hnnyBrav0Man
over a year ago

Great Wyrley

Why are pirates called pirates?

Cause they aaaarrrrrgh………..

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By *0hnnyBrav0Man
over a year ago

Great Wyrley

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing cause it’s on the house………

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By *0hnnyBrav0Man
over a year ago

Great Wyrley

Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo incident

They put me in ICU……………

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo incident

They put me in ICU……………"

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By *rogalCouple
over a year ago

Falkirk

A man was trying to sell his dogging equipment on eBay.

Had no buyers but there was 20 people watching...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

two canibals eating a clown, one says to the other, this taste funny to you?

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By *istractionsMan
over a year ago

Bury

I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A man was trying to sell his dogging equipment on eBay.

Had no buyers but there was 20 people watching..."

Brilliant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you keep an idiot in suspense

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By *istractionsMan
over a year ago

Bury

You heard the rumour going around about butter??

…never-mind I shouldn’t spread it.

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By *ategoodbyeMan
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

"A guy goes to the doctor.

I touch my head it hurts.

I touch my leg it hurts.

I touch everything, it just hurts.

Doctor says. You've broke your finger."

I went to the doctor and said “it hurts when I do this.”

He said, so don’t do it.

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By *ategoodbyeMan
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

"I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."

Telling dad jokes during sex improves your fertility by convincing God you’re ready for children.

Cunt argue with that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Bumping for more jokes please

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My friend Joe recently went on the

Dolly Parton diet..

It really made Joe lean

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By *MCMan
over a year ago

London/EA

Just got hospitalised from a peekaboo accident.

They put me in the ICU

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.

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By *oon999Man
over a year ago

romford

What do you call a cat that’s swallowed a duck?

A duck filled fatty puss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just saw this guy with a didgeridoo , playing dancing queen ..

I thought , thats abba-riginal

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two fish are in a tank

One turns to the other and asks

“How do you drive this thing?”

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By *eardybobMan
over a year ago

the Goldilocks Zone

"Continuing your theme...

Why are pirates so angry?

Because they aaarrrggghhh..

What’s a pirates favourite football team? Aaaaarsenal"

Why can't pirates use painkillers?

Cause their parrots eat em all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dyslexic person walks into a bra

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

My gf said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees - i said ‘ are you joking??’ Then I saw her face….. now I’m a believer!!!

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

I asked a girl to meet me at the gym today for our first date. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

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By *r_BigHeadMan
over a year ago

The Naughty Step (aka Northampton)

Have you seen the movie 'Constipation'?

It hasn't come out yet!

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

Relationships are a lot like maths. Have you ever looked at your X and just wondered Y?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Love it

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By *incsgentMan
over a year ago

Lincoln

My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed.

I told her it was unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wife to therapist: I get so fed up of him getting commonly-known phrases so wrong all of the time.

Me: For God's sake, Linda, cry me a table.

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By *bedient TomMan
over a year ago

RUNCORN

Almost all garden gnomes wear red hats.

It's a well gnome fact.

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By *otMe66Man
over a year ago

Terra Firma

2 nuns walking through a cemetery, the devil appears licking his lips when he sees them. The first nun turns to the second and says show him your cross Mary!

Mary screams f**k off ya b*stard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get if you hit dwayne Johnson in the butt ????????

You hit rock bottom

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By *eardybobMan
over a year ago

the Goldilocks Zone

[Removed by poster at 29/12/21 15:17:28]

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By *eardybobMan
over a year ago

the Goldilocks Zone

I was just grabbing a lynx can to demonstrate the size of my cock in a pic, and some of it accidentally sprayed in my mouth...

Now when I talk I have a bit of a weird axe scent!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you get a country girl to notice you?

A tractor.

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By *ndercoverlover888Man
over a year ago

tamworth

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What goes black white black white Red?

A penguin in a blender

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

"Two nuns in a bath.. one Says where's the soap.. the other replies.. yes it does doesn't it.

How do you fit 3 nuns on a stool?

Turn it upside down.

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling me on her computer. I saw it through my binoculars last night.

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

"How do you get a country girl to notice you?

A tractor."

Made me laugh way more than it should!

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By *eardybobMan
over a year ago

the Goldilocks Zone

An epidemiologist, a scientist and an ICU doctor walk into a bar...

...barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

A series of men have been found dead apparently having been smothered to death by pussy.

Police reckon it’s the work of the muffia…

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"An epidemiologist, a scientist and an ICU doctor walk into a bar...

...barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

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By *evon30Man
over a year ago

torquay

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

Poke 'im on

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Love all these

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept telling us to "be positive," but it's so hard without him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When the doctor told me that there was a cure for dyslexia…

It was music to my arse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the villagers water….

It didn’t go down well

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"When the doctor told me that there was a cure for dyslexia…

It was music to my arse"

I’m definitely stealing this one

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By *hristopherd999Man
over a year ago

Brentwood

I used to like tractors, now I'm an extractor fan

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do extreme sports stars love camping? ....because it's in tents maaaaan

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese, and there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It’s either my mum or dad, or my older brother Colin. It could be my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu, but I think it’s Colin.

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

While the enigma machine codes were being cracked by Alan Turing, his sister Kay provided the tea, sandwiches and snacks.

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By *asepaul71Man
over a year ago

Buxton

Two parrots on a perch, one turns to the other and says can you smell fish?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lionel Richie's sister Matitsa has just released a range of creams for boobs

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

"While the enigma machine codes were being cracked by Alan Turing, his sister Kay provided the tea, sandwiches and snacks."

He liked a joke at his mum’s . What you want for tea son? She’d ask.

Alan would say an egg ma..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My next door neighbor confronted me about items missing from her washing line.....I nearly shit her pants

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Why does your Xmas tree get upset when you go out?

Because it likes to pine..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?

Ian

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

'Mummy, does the au pair split into little pieces?'

'Of course not, why do you ask that?'

'Because I heard Daddy tell Uncle Frank he'd screwed the arse off her'.

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By *usiclover84Man
over a year ago

Birmingham

I can't believe how much the price of bouncy castles has gone up by since last year. That's inflation for you

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Accidentally swallowed a load to scramble tiles.

The next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don’t forget to have a poop tomorrow night…

You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new year

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

I wrote to English Heritage to say every time I entered Dover Castle I’d hear a spooky voice crying “one, two, three, four..”

They wrote back to say thanks for letting us know and it’s the fort that counts..

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By *hibarifalconCouple
over a year ago

Hamilton

Why can't a nose be 12 inches?

Because it would be a foot! Haha so silly but makes me chuckle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hit me with your dad jokes please

(Yes, I might steal them, and I’m not even sorry

Why when someone knocks on the door, do dogs think it's for them?

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

I told my doctor that feel like a cross between a marquee and a wigwam.

He told me that I'm too tense

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Why did the fish blush?

Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

The rapid test kit I ordered yesterday just arrived guess what was in the box ?

An england ashes DVD

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea…

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?

Still no fucking idea

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By *psidedown PineapplesCouple
over a year ago

Sussex

I’m afraid for the calendar… it’s days are numbered…

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hand in the pocket

Tickle his balls

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why did the fish blush?

Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

Why did the beach blush?

Because the sea

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By *psidedown PineapplesCouple
over a year ago

Sussex

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Why did the fish blush?

Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

Why did the beach blush?

Because the sea

Because the sea w*ed

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By *ick270Man
over a year ago

Here

Jewish pervert said your not going to eat all those sweets are you

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By *erry bull1Man
over a year ago

doncaster

Velcro is a rip off ,

Crazy paving isn’t all it’s cracked up to be ,

Two Irishmen walked into a carrot field , they thought they’d come across a snowman’s mass grave

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mr NBVN has been reading all of these out to me, we have been giggling away... thanks everyone for the silly laughs they have given us tonight

NBVN x

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By *azkinsWoman
over a year ago

leeds

How do you annoy lady ga ga?.

A) poker face.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What sort of ball doesn't bounce?

A Snowball

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why should you never ask Rick Astley to share his Disney films with you? He's never gonna a give you up

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By *piping-hot.Man
over a year ago

Rutland

I was asked to stop selling Wonderwall....

I said maybe

I'll get my coat

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

I threw her a surprise bukakee. You should have seen her face..

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By *lint-EverhardMan
over a year ago

Perpignan and cap

I went to the doctor the other day, he said: "alright? I haven't seen you in a while".

"No I've been ill".

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

She cheers when Usain Bolt finishes under 10s but never when I do..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hear they are developing a mind controlled air freshener.

It makes scents when you think about it.

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

FACT: To Kill a Mockingbird star, Atticus Finch, decided to train as a lawyer to help his brother Hal, who had unfortunately become synonymous with stealing.

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By *urious1973Man
over a year ago

angus

Bono and the edge walk into a bar in ireland

and the barman says not u2 again

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I hear they are developing a mind controlled air freshener.

It makes scents when you think about it."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Intelligents is such a stupid PC word if you think too much into it. Sorry ladies.

Ouch, I felt the online slap.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man was battered to death by a fish last night.

Police believe it was. Jack the Kipper.

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Why did Paul McCartney cross Abbey Road with no shoes on?

Cos whacka Macca likes the feel of tarmaca..

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By *ilverjagMan
over a year ago

swansea

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?

A head banger!

What's the slowest moving creature on the planet?

A nudist climbing through a barbed wire fence.

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By *ilverjagMan
over a year ago

swansea

After concluding an after dinner speech I was given a round of applause.

I thanked everyone for the clap as it was about the only thing I've never had!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I woke up this morning to find my pet mouse Elvis had died

He was caught in a trap

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By *eacupsbearCouple
over a year ago

York

Why did Jesus cross the road?

He was nailed to the chicken.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I woke up this morning to find my pet mouse Elvis had died

He was caught in a trap"

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By *attoo Lover.Man
over a year ago

newcastle

How do you turn a lemon on.

Lick its citrus...

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

How does a salad aficionado get into space?

Rocket of course.

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By *eading beddingMan
over a year ago

Berks

What did the aggressive snowman say to the carrot?

Get out of my face!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"How do you turn a lemon on.

Lick its citrus... "

This made me laugh more than it should

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don’t ever shout into a colander it will only strain your voice

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By *attoo Lover.Man
over a year ago

newcastle

Yes it always getts a chuckle or a frown dependung in the audiance lol

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