FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes that make you laugh.

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

He’s my offering:

A man is driving along quiet tretch of country highway with his girlfriend in the passenger seat, when suddenly a rabbit runs across the road in front of them. The man slams on the brakes but unfortunately hits the poor animal. They both quickly exit the vehicle and run to the front of the car where they find the rabbit appears to be quite dead.

"Wait" yells out the woman, "I've got this". She walks to the back of the car, opens the boot and rummages around in her suitcase. She comes out with a tall spray bottle, runs back to the front of the car and sprays the dead animal all over. The rabbit immediately springs up and hops away down the road. As the man stares after it in awe, the rabbit turns back towards him, raises his paw and waves, then continues hopping down the road. Every minute or so it turns back, waves its paw at the couple, then continues its journey.

"OMG, what's in that spray bottle?" The man asks his lady? "It's just my new conditioner" she says, handing him the bottle so he can read the label...

'Revives dead hair , adds permanent wave'

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Oh well this thread died a fucking death!

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

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By *r SproutMan
over a year ago

the middle somewhere

Big game at longleat park today

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

"Big game at longleat park today "

...is there a groan emoji for such jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Football is a contact sport always makes me laugh.

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By *ustme34Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Jokes about sugar are rare... but jokes about brown sugar... demerara

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By *r SproutMan
over a year ago

the middle somewhere

"Big game at longleat park today

...is there a groan emoji for such jokes

You laughed. Don’t deny it

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By *arlomaleMan
over a year ago

darlington

A man goes for a job on a building site foreman says what do you need to paint that 80ft chimney? Guy replied an 80ft paint brush

drops Mic

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By *oirinMarkusCouple
over a year ago

West Midlands and West London

"Jokes about sugar are rare... but jokes about brown sugar... demerara "

Amazing

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

What do you call a nervous turkey?

Chicken..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you know the actor Yul Brynner was a life long Liverpool FC fan and he also never wore aftershave

"Yul Never Wore Cologne"

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By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

Why is Santa's sack always full?

Because he only comes once a year

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to keep giant African racing snails but every bloody race they always came second . So to make them lighter like an F1 car I removed their shells to make them go faster but it didn't work . If anything it made them more sluggish .

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By *itygamesMan
over a year ago

when james bonds in spain his mobile number starts +4407

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh well this thread died a fucking death!"

You're reaction was the funniest part

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”

I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”

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By *heVonMatterhornsCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln

Yoooou don't want to know that...

LvM

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Woman to doctor - There is some pain in my butt

Doctor - Where?

Woman - Around the entrance

Doctor - That's actually the exit. As long as you treat it as entrance, there will be pain.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the dwarf that walked into a whorehouse?

He got a box in the face.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I remember being quite young, lying in bed late at night waiting for Santa to come.

Then that awkward silence as he got dressed a left.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Raljex, a muscle balm wax (the precursor to Deep Heat) used to come in tubes similar to lipstick or Prittstick. which made it easier to apply.

Sadly the simple to read instructions said "before use twist up bottom".

Sales suddenly plummeted as the bottom fell out of the consumer base!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriends ass

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Welcome to the sexual innuendo club…

Thanks for coming

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By *oon999Man
over a year ago

romford

What’s brown and sticky?

Anal

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Welcome to the sexual innuendo club…

Thanks for coming"

Glad you went all the way, to get here.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

That’s got the ball rolling. Thanks some right crackers here.

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

"Big game at longleat park today

...is there a groan emoji for such jokes

You laughed. Don’t deny it

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By *hisisntpofMan
over a year ago

bristol

A woman goes the doctor complaining of a sore bum ,

The doctor asks ,where abouts on your bum

The woman replies ,the entrance

The doctors says aslong as you keep calling it the entrance it always will hurt

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

The rotation of the earth really makes my day...

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Carlisle

I went for a job on a building site - boss said can you make tea? I said ohh yes im awesome at tea - he said can you drive a fork lift? I said ffs how big is the teapot?

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...

You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?

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By *hisisntpofMan
over a year ago

bristol

I asked my doctor if masturbation was bad for my eyesight

He said ,your in halfords mate

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...

You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?"

It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"I asked my doctor if masturbation was bad for my eyesight

He said ,your in halfords mate "

I thought a recognised you, in the lube section clasping a hand pump.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...

You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?

It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down

good job, I have a magnetic personality then.

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By *hisisntpofMan
over a year ago

bristol

"I asked my doctor if masturbation was bad for my eyesight

He said ,your in halfords mate

I thought a recognised you, in the lube section clasping a hand pump.

Sssshhhhhhhh

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"I asked my doctor if masturbation was bad for my eyesight

He said ,your in halfords mate

I thought a recognised you, in the lube section clasping a hand pump.

Sssshhhhhhhh

That sounds familiar

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...

You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?

It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down

good job, I have a magnetic personality then."

I'm not sure if that's positive or negative though

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...

You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?

It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down

good job, I have a magnetic personality then.

I'm not sure if that's positive or negative though

well I do have my UP days and DOWN days, occsaionaly I can be a bit of a charmer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fab

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Fab

That's one bottom I wished I had LEPTON.

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By *hisisntpofMan
over a year ago

bristol

"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...

You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?

It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down

good job, I have a magnetic personality then.

I'm not sure if that's positive or negative though

well I do have my UP days and DOWN days, occsaionaly I can be a bit of a charmer.

I heard you were caught stealing and drinking battery acid in halfords ,so the police put you in a cell and charged you overnight

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

[Removed by poster at 20/12/21 23:28:57]

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...

You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?

It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down

good job, I have a magnetic personality then.

I'm not sure if that's positive or negative though

well I do have my UP days and DOWN days, occsaionaly I can be a bit of a charmer.

I heard you were caught stealing and drinking battery acid in halfords ,so the police put you in a cell and charged you overnight

They removed you keys and jump leads. Just in case you were going to start something.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"He’s my offering:

"OMG, what's in that spray bottle?" The man asks his lady? "It's just my new conditioner" she says, handing him the bottle so he can read the label...

'Revives dead hair , adds permanent wave'"

Did the bottle cost a FIVER?

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What do elves post on their Social Media accounts?

Elf-ies

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By *ohoMan
over a year ago

Amsterdam,Netherlands

Husband comes home with a duck under his arm,

wife opens up the door,

husband says,look that's the pig I'm fucking,

wife says that's not a pig

Husband says,I wasn't talking to you!

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By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

Where does a general keep his armies?

In his sleevies

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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago

A world all of his own

A vampire was masturbating in front of a mirror, didn't see that one coming...

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy!

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By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. IM LIVID

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. IM LIVID"

If a Roman legionnaire stick two fingers up at you, don't be offended, he's only giving you a high 5.

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Which of Scrooges’s ghosts went ‘uh uh uh uh..’?

The ghost of Xmas yet to cum..

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Which of Scrooges’s ghosts went ‘uh uh uh uh..’?

The ghost of Xmas yet to cum.."

Was Oliver Twist destined to be a sub? "Pleser Sir, can I have some more?"

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

An Arab took a tourist shopping to a souk.

The first stall they passed sold nothing but sponge fingers.

The second, nothing but fruit and jelly.

The third, just custard.

The tourist said to the Arab “this is plain weird."

He nodded his head in agreement.

“Yes, it is a trifle bazaar."

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper!

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By *r SproutMan
over a year ago

the middle somewhere

"What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper!

you got jokes!

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By *vbride1963TV/TS
over a year ago

E.K . Glasgow

"What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper!

Not the triple jumper ?

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By *oeBeansMan
over a year ago

Derby

I went to an archeology party where everyone was looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite the shindig.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"An Arab took a tourist shopping to a souk.

The first stall they passed sold nothing but sponge fingers.

The second, nothing but fruit and jelly.

The third, just custard.

The tourist said to the Arab “this is plain weird."

He nodded his head in agreement.

“Yes, it is a trifle bazaar.""

It gets so hectic at this time of the year, that there are hundreds and thousands, all over the place.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

The only reason most people go for a walk on Boxing Day, can be blamed on the sprouts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’.

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you pushy dickhead".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Venisons dear….

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

What's the Pink Panter's favourite, wheat, city, village in Lower Saxony, Morrocan coin, station on the Mid Norfolk Railway and village in the Cotswolds?

Durum, Durham

Dorum, Dirham, Dereham

Dyrum.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes to the doctors with a possum growing out of his head.

The doctor says to him,"wow, how did that happen".

The possum says,"it started as a boil on my bum".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just been to a seminar which talked about how to end dialogue in the style of Beatle's songs.

That's a half day I won't get back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Lol that’s the Dadaist joke I’ve ever heard in my life.

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By *idnight RamblerMan
over a year ago

Pershore

A man and his wife are attending Christmas Eve Midnight Mass. Halfway through the service the wife whispers into her husband's ear "I've been doing silent farts ever since we arrived, what should I do"?

The husband replies "Well as soon as the shops reopen after Christmas Day you should get a new battery for your hearing aid!".

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

according to Viz the Fat Slags hail from Wide Open, Newcastle upon Tyne.

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By *he Ant Hill MobMan
over a year ago

Norwich

"What’s brown and sticky?

Anal"

A Stick ??????

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By *andsome HandMan
over a year ago

roundabout

Man - I'm a gambling addict, please can you help me?

Doctor - you bet

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Nationally more women are shaving their bits whilst hipsters are growing more beards and moustaches.

Same amount of hair but across different c_nts

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By *arlomaleMan
over a year ago

darlington

The England cricket team have officially beaten the wuhan market for the worst use of a bat ever

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My girlfriend has left me and has taken my Bob Marley records and my satellite dish with her.

No woman, no Sky.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's costing me a fortune to keep my Swedish car on the road. Still, you don't want to hear my Saab stories.

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