Join us FREE, we're FREE to use
Web's largest swingers site since 2006.
Already registered?
Login here
Join us FREE, we're FREE to use
Web's largest swingers site since 2006.
Already registered?
Login here
 | Back to forum list |
| Back to The Lounge |
| Jump to newest |  |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"So im left questioning the morality of a situation i may find myself in the near future. A very good friend of mine just broke up with her bf, relationship was empty, the guy is basically just a fully grown child, treated my friend poorly over the years and she ended up being very unhappy with the state of the relationship this year. She said this is probably for definite as they did break up briefly during the summer, but she gave it a shot when he came back giving it the old puppy dog eyes and empty promises. The problem though is that shes always fancied me, ever since we met like 5 years ago. We only really started becoming very close friends (i reconnected with her after i was out of an abusive relationship that sucked me away from friends and family). Ever since we got back in contact, we kinda hit it off, nothing sexual, just became really good friends and chatting on a very regular basis. There was a period though when they broke up back in the late summer that we kinda got a little more intimate (though havent met up in person due to the distance). But i did tell her that i didnt want to take advantage of the situation, it was more just getting caught in the moment kinda thing. And i honestly wanted things be better for her and the bf, shes a good girl and deserves to be happy. Well more recently, not long before the break up, and speaking to her last night, its more clear that shes becoming a little more infatuated with me, and from my perspective, it could lead to something further down the line. Now im wondering if, morally speaking, it would be right to put a little more into what we got going on, rather than just saying that we should just be friends (for the time being at least), so soon after shes broken up with her bf. Sure i understand that on her part she might need some time to herself, process the change in her life etc. I wouldnt want to rush into things either, just keep it at a steady pace and see how it goes. Yeah i make her happy as being a very good friend to her, especially as shes a bit of a recluse and doesnt really have friends of her own other than myself, but would it be right to start building the foundations of a relationship so soon? Even she herself might be further ahead than me in terms of wanting a relationship..." If you did get serious with her, would you forsake the swinging stuff?? Cause it sounds like you'd have to. I say this going by what you've written. I obviously know nothing of her | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"If you did get serious with her, would you forsake the swinging stuff?? Cause it sounds like you'd have to. I say this going by what you've written. I obviously know nothing of her" Oh of course i wouldnt try keep it up behind her back, fab aint going anywhere if we were to have a relationship and it didnt work for us in that way. That being said i would ask her about her views on the swinging side as my previous ex came to me questioning that sort of thing and wondered if she wanted to be more polyamorous. But it wouldnt be the end of the world for me. Im happy to be monogamous and keep it that way | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I don’t know really. But I think you should take things slowly. However she felt about him and whatever she feels about you, it’s usually best to have some time to yourself to mentally regroup and think what it is you want in life. I would be wary, personally, of anyone who goes from one relationship headlong into another without pausing for self love and regrouping (if that makes sense). My fear would be of being used as an emotional crutch until they were back on their feet and got their mojo back, especially if they are in the habit of giving “second chances” to past loves, because words are just words really, it could be that the “it’s for good” turns into “well, just one more chance” before you know it they’re into Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton territory. Meanwhile you’re even more invested. There is no rush. You both know you like each other, so just being open and honest as to what is on the table and where things COULD go. But then that’s just my opinion. I’m not very gung ho in matters of the heart. So to summarise: proceed if you wish, but proceed with caution." Yes my previous ex was exactly like that regarding relationships. I believe she told me before that the longest she went single for was like 6 months and shes 7 years older than me, probably about 8/9 relationships before we met when she was 32. I do know to tread more cautiously, i can see how a good friend can become an easy solution to ones problems when theyre in an unhappy relationship, so infatuation can be mistaken for love, that old chestnut. Plus it would be hard to jump into it so soon as both our situations are not ideal, i live alone in wales with a barely furnished flat, she lives in Crawley with her mum, so it would end up being a long distance relationship and im not sure how she would feel moving so far away from family. And im settled in wales so living somewhere closer to hers and my own family will uproot me when ive only just settled living on my own. It would be a lengthy process of figuring things out and likely just keeping it to less committed dating until a later time | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"It sounds like being a brilliant friends would be the best option, especially as you're so far apart. Also so fresh single again it's best to have breathing space. Maybe you could connect as friends and see what happens. " Well we have connected as friends and become very close, which is the thing cos theres a mutual attraction both physically and emotionally as well. And yeah i get that breathing space is helpful, especially after a 4 year long relationship. I feel that if we were to venture further with each other, it would have to be dipping our toes into the dating side of it but not actually going further than that so quickly I believe the friendship we do have wont be jeopardised if we were to date in a light hearted way. But as for a relationship, that would be a whole other matter to consider and likely require a lot of processing and forward thinking. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Hmmmm if it's a friendship you value, i think personally i would put that first, unless you are prepared to lose it all if the infatuation / crush / rebound / grass-is-greener goes tits up " Thats what im thinking too, which is why i feel it would need to happen over a long period of time, more so for her to get a sense of things with herself. But ive tried to help see that being single now opens up opportunities for her to sort out other aspects of her life and see where it takes her | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Hmmmm if it's a friendship you value, i think personally i would put that first, unless you are prepared to lose it all if the infatuation / crush / rebound / grass-is-greener goes tits up " This  time will decide whichever blossom will bloom. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"It sounds like being a brilliant friends would be the best option, especially as you're so far apart. Also so fresh single again it's best to have breathing space. Maybe you could connect as friends and see what happens. Well we have connected as friends and become very close, which is the thing cos theres a mutual attraction both physically and emotionally as well. And yeah i get that breathing space is helpful, especially after a 4 year long relationship. I feel that if we were to venture further with each other, it would have to be dipping our toes into the dating side of it but not actually going further than that so quickly I believe the friendship we do have wont be jeopardised if we were to date in a light hearted way. But as for a relationship, that would be a whole other matter to consider and likely require a lot of processing and forward thinking." A light hearted relationship. Love that! A romantic friendship. Like olden days courting. 
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"A light hearted relationship. Love that! A romantic friendship. Like olden days courting.
"Yeah well i may be 30 and part of the generation that has lost its way with dating and relationships but im still old fashioned. Honestly im ready to settle down at my age now, so making the relationship work and being built on core values is necessary for me. And how much i know of my friend so far shes not the type to "get bored", quite similar to me in understanding the mechanics of a working relationship, and she doesnt seem the type to be left wanting even in a good relationship. I believe that if the "courting" were to be successful then i cant imagine a relationship being short lived | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think the "probably for definite" would give me pause OP. I would want to make sure they weren't going to get back together before I jeopardized the friendship by shooting my shot. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!" Absolutely its why i know to let it be more of a progressive thing, ive said to her that she is better off without him cos she cearly is very unhappy with what their relationship became. I was in her position myself with my last ex where the break ups were still uncertain, i know how hard it is to move onto that next chapter after such a long time. Though i will bide my time, i mean im ready to settle down but im not jumping onto the first opportunity that comes my way | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Maybe say to her exactly what you have said here. Explain your feelings, both positive and negative, that you care for her and that you would like to see if things could develop between you, but that you are concerned that it being so soon after her break up that things could fall apart. Maybe come to some sort of agreement that you want to be together, on whatever measure of exclusivity works for you both, but not necessarily on a sexual basis, not yet, and agree on a timescale to re-evaluate that before jumping into something physical" You do put forward a sound approach. It will be an easy conversation to have as she is good at communicating these sorts of things and laying it out straight which really is a breath of fresh air going from previous relationships of mine. I do feel that she will equally want to take it slow, when giving it some proper thought without allowing infatuation to cloud her judgement. As she isnt far from my own family in london, keeping it light, and simply dating without hard commitments can work for the time being. Itll give her time to climatise to her new situation but also allow us time to establish something and get a better picture of what we want in the long run | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Maybe say to her exactly what you have said here. Explain your feelings, both positive and negative, that you care for her and that you would like to see if things could develop between you, but that you are concerned that it being so soon after her break up that things could fall apart. Maybe come to some sort of agreement that you want to be together, on whatever measure of exclusivity works for you both, but not necessarily on a sexual basis, not yet, and agree on a timescale to re-evaluate that before jumping into something physical You do put forward a sound approach. It will be an easy conversation to have as she is good at communicating these sorts of things and laying it out straight which really is a breath of fresh air going from previous relationships of mine. I do feel that she will equally want to take it slow, when giving it some proper thought without allowing infatuation to cloud her judgement. As she isnt far from my own family in london, keeping it light, and simply dating without hard commitments can work for the time being. Itll give her time to climatise to her new situation but also allow us time to establish something and get a better picture of what we want in the long run" That sounds like a sensible approach and shows commitment from you both that you want this to be more than just a fling. Good luck! | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
 | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Do you love her OP? If not, just stay friends "Oh god pfft haha.. well i value her a great deal as being a genuine friend, but i think having feelings for each other of that nature might be a ways off yet, hence why i think it would be best to take it slow and simply date for the time being. I mean a great relationship is built on having a great friendship, otherwise why would anyone get into that relationship to begin with? But at the same time if we click in the right way then why throw away something that will make is happy for many years to come, "nothing ventured nothing gained" as the saying goes. If dating helps us realise that it wouldnt work before getting too committed then we can stay friends | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Do you love her OP? If not, just stay friends
Oh god pfft haha.. well i value her a great deal as being a genuine friend, but i think having feelings for each other of that nature might be a ways off yet, hence why i think it would be best to take it slow and simply date for the time being. I mean a great relationship is built on having a great friendship, otherwise why would anyone get into that relationship to begin with?
But at the same time if we click in the right way then why throw away something that will make is happy for many years to come, "nothing ventured nothing gained" as the saying goes. If dating helps us realise that it wouldnt work before getting too committed then we can stay friends"I agree OP, though in her recently broken state don't give her the impression you're her saviour and soul mate forever | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Do you love her OP? If not, just stay friends
Oh god pfft haha.. well i value her a great deal as being a genuine friend, but i think having feelings for each other of that nature might be a ways off yet, hence why i think it would be best to take it slow and simply date for the time being. I mean a great relationship is built on having a great friendship, otherwise why would anyone get into that relationship to begin with?
But at the same time if we click in the right way then why throw away something that will make is happy for many years to come, "nothing ventured nothing gained" as the saying goes. If dating helps us realise that it wouldnt work before getting too committed then we can stay friends
I agree OP, though in her recently broken state don't give her the impression you're her saviour and soul mate forever "Of course yeah, i mean i have to see how it is for me as well, as i said before i dont want to jump onto the first opportunity that comes my way, i just want to see what comes my way in general, and if it feels right, go with it | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Had a mini break up with her boyfriend and got somewhat “caught up in the moment” with you before getting back with him Massive red flag for me To answer your question, I never think it’s too soon to start the foundations of a relationship with someone you like Let’s just hope she doesn’t have another friend she kinda fancied and gets caught up in the moment with while your together " I wouldnt call it a red flag, ive seen that kind of red flag with my ex when we had issues. For my friend, shes in a similar position to what i was in, constantly putting effort into the relationship and hoping things will turn around. Shes discussed many aspects of her relationship with me, and from what i see, its that difficulty of accepting that its over after having invested so much. A break up, and the promise to get the gold old days back os a hard one to ignore when youre in that kind of state | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Of course yeah, i mean i have to see how it is for me as well, as i said before i dont want to jump onto the first opportunity that comes my way, i just want to see what comes my way in general, and if it feels right, go with it" Then you know what to do | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"You can't plan when and where relationships happen. You can however be careful about how fast they build. You have physical distance between you both which may actually help. Be open with your concerns, be guarded with your love, give her space but make her aware it isn't a lack of commitment just being sensible. If the relationship progresses, allow it to but just think carefully about each step and talk it through together. That allows you both to judge each others responses and slows things down. It often feels in life as though we need to sort everything out as fast as possible, in reality, when you look back a few years can fly past in the blink of an eye so are surely worth the extra patience to make sure everything is right. If it helps, my ex wife lived here in Wales, I lived in Kent. It took us 18 months to decide we wanted to move in together and another 6 months to find a job down here. In total we had 16 years together and for the most part they were very happy. Long distance relationships can work just fine. Mr" Of course yeah, relationships do have a tendency to just happen. Though i do know that i am much wiser and cautious with these sorts of things, my last relationship got very toxic and my ex abused the fuck out of me, but it did also teach me a lot and be more mindful. I find that the best approach is to do things the old fashioned way, like how my dad and auntie did things. Granted my dads a bachelor now, but he was still sensible when it came to his relationships after my mum. And my auntie is still married to the man she met more than two decades ago. The foundations for a very long and happy relationship take a very long time to build which is what i aim to do when things between me and my friend start to become clearer and thats the sort of thing we would like to see progress. Of course i still intend to just be a good friend | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| Post new Message to Thread |
| back to top |  |
