FabSwingers.com forum: Cheating

By *reatformeat OP Woman
over a year ago

my own bubble

June was the worst month of my life . I borrowed my husband’s phone clicked on his internet only to find his fabguys profile I knew nothing about and it was clear he had been very active from his verification. After 19 years of marriage and 6 years swinging I had no idea he was even bi sexual let alone having sex with men , needles to say we have split up but what I’m trying to understand is why he felt the need to keep his bi sexuality a secret ? We were alway open when it come to sex , he doesn’t even acknowledge he was cheating because it was with guys and not woman . I felt physically sick when I read his verification, I’m still devastated but trying to move on . Why do I feel I failed the marriage by not being enough for him ? I’m still tormented by it but thinking of taking him back and working it out . Good idea or bad idea? Thoughts xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only you can answer that, its like guys i know... dont mind if their wife goes with a woman but wouldnt let them go with a guy. I suppose its the secrecy that hurts you, as a guy thats not attracted to males BUT will play/touch another penis within a threesome id probably say hes not secure with his sexuality being outed as such... maybe hes in denial.. who knows.

Only advice i can give is not to dwell but to build, forget the has been and what ifs and focus on the is, now and what could be, otherwise it will eat you up

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By *hroatQueen_CATV/TS
over a year ago

Carlisle

He should of been more honest! If he was more honest from the start about it maybe you would of accepted it. If you still love him well 19 years is a long time to just throw away? But it's got to be your decision, It's your life and being happy is the most important thing. x

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham, North Yorkshire and can travel

I think the bottom line is to ask yourself if you are still in love with him, if the answer is yes, then you have a base to start from. I think you need to talk, talk, talk some more and both listen to each other very carefully. There aren't excuses for what he did but he will have reasons. Not saying it's right for the marriage to continue, or that what he did wasn't wrong, but I wouldn't just give up on it without lots and lots of talking and understanding.

Hope whatever happens you find happiness.

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham, North Yorkshire and can travel

"Only you can answer that, its like guys i know... dont mind if their wife goes with a woman but wouldnt let them go with a guy. I suppose its the secrecy that hurts you, as a guy thats not attracted to males BUT will play/touch another penis within a threesome id probably say hes not secure with his sexuality being outed as such... maybe hes in denial.. who knows.

Only advice i can give is not to dwell but to build, forget the has been and what ifs and focus on the is, now and what could be, otherwise it will eat you up

"
.

Very wise words.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Strangers on the internet cannot tell you whether your marriage is worth saving or not.

That said, the fact he doesn't understand that he has cheated is the biggest issue. If it wasn't cheating why did he keep it from you? Pretending otherwise is an attempt to shift the blame which is perhaps the most worrying part of the story. If I were in your situation that would be the issue I wanted resolved first before any talk of a future could begin.

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By *reatformeat OP Woman
over a year ago

my own bubble

East to say try not to dwell on it but I do and have done for the last 6 months trying not to blame myself Is the hardest bit , why does he need sex from men

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"East to say try not to dwell on it but I do and have done for the last 6 months trying not to blame myself Is the hardest bit , why does he need sex from men "

Why does one person like coffee the next person like tea, verity is the spice of life. We all like different things in life and we shouldnt regret the things we have done rather the things we havnt done. Many people find they are attracted to the same sex.. attraction is attraction.

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By *hroatQueen_CATV/TS
over a year ago

Carlisle

"East to say try not to dwell on it but I do and have done for the last 6 months trying not to blame myself Is the hardest bit , why does he need sex from men "
You are enough! Some people just can't be honest or be themselves out of fear etc i don't know him you do. If he was honest from the start maybe you would of accepted it?

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

You haven’t failed the marriage by not being enough for him at all. He’s failed the marriage by not being truthful.

He’s also still denying anything is wrong in him cheating with guys. Which will be the red flags that I’d want addressing before I thought about whether I could re-build anything.

Good luck with your decision.

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By *hroatQueen_CATV/TS
over a year ago

Carlisle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You found this out in June and still kept the couples profile?

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

If he likes men, then there's nothing you could ever do to change that. You're never going to be a man

Could it be that he's actually struggling with his sexuality? It happens alot.

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By *reatformeat OP Woman
over a year ago

my own bubble

"You found this out in June and still kept the couples profile?"

Have you actually bothered to read the profile?

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By *reatformeat OP Woman
over a year ago

my own bubble

"If he likes men, then there's nothing you could ever do to change that. You're never going to be a man

Could it be that he's actually struggling with his sexuality? It happens alot."
I have no idea I’m sure he isn’t gay though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hugs op cheating is cheating no matter what

I see it all the time profile hear clameing stright profile on fabguys clameing bi

When questioned it’s all away the same answer I get oooo woman don’t meet bi guys

Love when I get hit with that bs line as I don’t ever tend to find that a problem

With being in a open relationship he should have been able to talk to you

Never feel like you faild it was him for not talking to you

Jam sandwiches are fun for all

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

Told my current partner on our third date about my crossdressing, just back from our fourth date now. So far the conversation hasn’t got around to my bisexuality but it’s something I know I have to address soon.

It’s not easy as rejection is still something to be concerned about. Also when I’m in a relationship I am monogamous I’d hate the thought of having a STD or being deceitful to her.

So even though I won’t have anymore sex with guys and in my case it’s not something I’m too bothered about. I know sooner or later she’ll ask me, so I’ll be honest again as she deserves the truth.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"June was the worst month of my life . I borrowed my husband’s phone clicked on his internet only to find his fabguys profile I knew nothing about and it was clear he had been very active from his verification. After 19 years of marriage and 6 years swinging I had no idea he was even bi sexual let alone having sex with men , needles to say we have split up but what I’m trying to understand is why he felt the need to keep his bi sexuality a secret ? We were alway open when it come to sex , he doesn’t even acknowledge he was cheating because it was with guys and not woman . I felt physically sick when I read his verification, I’m still devastated but trying to move on . Why do I feel I failed the marriage by not being enough for him ? I’m still tormented by it but thinking of taking him back and working it out . Good idea or bad idea? Thoughts xxx"

.honesty all day long,tbh.

Maybe he was scared of what your reaction to his Bi urges would have been.

Not sure that deep level of what he wants can be fixed. Are you OK with him being bi? Maybe he likes men more than women.

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By *ary_ArgyllMan
over a year ago

Argyll

You say you weren't enough for him but you were both into swinging, so kind of by definition he wanted more partners, and so presumably did you. So the real issue is that he didn't tell you he also likes men and was doing something which didn't involve you. There could be lots of reasons for that, maybe a sense of shame or embarrassment, perhaps insecurity about whether he is really gay etc. Only you can decide what to do but certainly having initiating conversation to try and find out why he didn't feel he could tell you might be a start. Relate is a really good service and provides a safe space for such discussions. Good luck.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

There are a few questions there;

Why he kept his bisexuality a secret? why he cheated? why he doesn’t acknowledge it’s cheating and what to do?

I can give an opinion on a few of those, the last one only you can answer.

Male bisexuality carries a huge amount of stigma and shame, it’s seen as less manly, less masculine and dirty (amongst other things), he might have been worried that you would see him as less and so kept the secret. Not an ideal but I can empathise as that’s how I felt.

Why he cheated? That’s less easy.

Some think that bisexual folks are more inclined to cheat because they can’t be satisfied with a woman, if they want a guy, etc. That’s rubbish.

Bisexuality isn’t a pass to cheating, it doesn’t preclude monogamy and claiming that it doesn’t count is insulting.

Lots of bisexual people are monogamous, lots of bisexual people manage to not sneak around. Using their sexuality as a reason is an excuse.

I understand the shame but they had the choice to cheat, the choice to not express or to communicate, the choice to deceive. None of those are bisexual traits, those are the traits of a cheat.

That would be my biggest concern, their thoughts around sex, cheating and sexuality.

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By *entative_steps7781Couple
over a year ago

Home

The biggest red flag in this for me is that he does not see it as cheating because it was with someone of the same sex.

It seems that there is a big difference between you on the definition of cheating and if you decide you want to work on your marriage then this is something that needs to be worked on and explicitly defined so you are both clear on what is OK and what is not.

Please remember that the issue is NOT you, and you have not failed your marriage.

Hugs

MJ x

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By *organ DeanWoman
over a year ago

Belfast

You both need to talk a lot & listen to understand rather than respond.

As far as getting back together goes, can you accept that he is bi? Can you move passed this?

If you want to then you have to, it can't continue to be a worry or an argument.

Communication is key. People have reasons for the things they do & say & you both need to be 100% honest with your reasons.

I wouldn't get back with someone just because you have a long history together. That doesn't override the hurt.

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By *uzz And WoodyCouple
over a year ago

Maidstone

To not even acknowledge that he was cheating is a major red flag for me. Sounds like he’s trying to save his blushes by pushing the guilt onto you. You’ll never be rid of the never ending ‘why?’ And it will consume you if you’re not careful.

Remember, you are the victim here and all blame lies with him but should you get back together, you must never use this horrific experience as a weapon in your next argument, ever. If you can conquer that, you’ve beaten it. You are grieving at the moment and time is the healer.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Ed x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's the trust, if a couple find out ones been hiding things then what's the point? It's very hard to get it back after that. Maybe the thrill is the deception for him? Did he ever give a reason he kept this from you? If he can't discuss it with you, then who can he discuss it with, after all your obviously open minded, or wouldn't be here. I'm sorry you got hurt, maybe there's someone better out there for you x

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By *reatformeat OP Woman
over a year ago

my own bubble

Thank you for all your kind and useful comments and understanding. I think I have decided there is no going back for me now I will try to move on and once I sort my head out and the anger subsides I will meet him as friends only . He is a good man and as been a good husband father and provider but i personally can’t get over the level of deceit and the fact that his oldest verification was 5 years ago so it had been going on for some time , he even had verification from a guy he met on holiday whilst we were in Gran Canaria. What makes it worse is when people ask why we split and I can’t tell them the real reason so I have knowbody to talk to who is close to me

. I would never want his friends , family or my children knowing what he as done im not vindictive enough to want people to hate him x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Would you be happy to swing with him in a bi mmf?

Would you be happy for him to continue meeting other guys, with your knowledge this time?

His bi-sexuality won't go away

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By *reatformeat OP Woman
over a year ago

my own bubble

"Would you be happy to swing with him in a bi mmf?

Would you be happy for him to continue meeting other guys, with your knowledge this time?

His bi-sexuality won't go away "

Maybe had he discussed it with me seen as we had always had an adventures sex life . I don’t class myself has bi but openly played with other woman in clubs in front of him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you for all your kind and useful comments and understanding. I think I have decided there is no going back for me now I will try to move on and once I sort my head out and the anger subsides I will meet him as friends only . He is a good man and as been a good husband father and provider but i personally can’t get over the level of deceit and the fact that his oldest verification was 5 years ago so it had been going on for some time , he even had verification from a guy he met on holiday whilst we were in Gran Canaria. What makes it worse is when people ask why we split and I can’t tell them the real reason so I have knowbody to talk to who is close to me

. I would never want his friends , family or my children knowing what he as done im not vindictive enough to want people to hate him x"

Wise decision, you will get over this, and come out stronger. Turn the page and start a new chapter, x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

. I would never want his friends , family or my children knowing what he as done im not vindictive enough to want people to hate him x"

Thank You for conducting yourself so well - many people wouldn't have been so kind or considerate given the circumstance

As someone who always knew about my sexuality, I tried so hard to maintain a normal straight relationship for so many years

Every day was a mental battle - and whilst I never acted on it whilst being in that relationship, as soon as it ended, I knew I had to act on the 'real' me

We did have a very happy, satisfying, sex life, but for me, I always had that little yearning at the back of my head

My ex Mrs knows about my sexuality and whilst we are no longer in close contact, we are still friends

She knows EVERYTHING and whilst, again, she could have outed me both professionally and personally, she never has

It means a whole lot that we still have each others backs and that despite everything, there is still a bond there

For context, it was her that had the affair that eventually split us up, but that coming out into the open gave me the opportunity to expand my own sexual experiences and move on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why do I feel I failed the marriage by not being enough for him ? "

Sorry for popping back up OP

This line from your initial OP is tormenting me

Can I quite simply state that you have failed at nothing

This isn't on you

It is about your husband, his sexuality and how he chose to express it

Nothing, in any of that, is a reflection on your role as a wife, a lover, a mother, a friend, a confidente... nothing

My guessing is that his own guilt, revulsion, homophobia and his love for you and his family is what drove him down the route he took

The fear of loss is an immense driver in those that take these routes

The fear of people seeing you through different eyes is another, as is the fear of your actions having wider consequences outside of the family

I am not condoning the route he chose to take, far from it, but offering the insight of someone tortured by his own sexuality for a good 25 years

My initial comment stands though, nothing about this is on you and you should not feel that you need to own any responsibility for his actions

Experience has taught me that if you stand up and be counted, if you are open and honest with people, their reactions and indeed support are far more reasonable than if you skulk around in dark corners and they find out by chance

Maybe, if your husband had done that things may have worked out differently, but his sexuality would remain

Neither he, nor you, can control that x

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By *andC1000Couple
over a year ago

Ashford

. I would never want his friends , family or my children knowing what he as done im not vindictive enough to want people to hate him x"

Completely understand how you feel having been there in a previous relationship. The hurt, betrayal and deceit is very hard to get over and will take time, especially when you’ve ended up feeling completely worthless and your world turned upside down with no one to turn to. There are lots of odd people on here but there are many more supportive people on here too which brings the good ones together x

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By *hebritukCouple
over a year ago

London

Intense! Nothing worse than your trust and love being shattered like this. Sadly life goes on and you need to move forward. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

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