FabSwingers.com forum: T'was Christmas Day in the Workhouse

By *idnight Rambler OP Man
over a year ago

Pershore

T’was Christmas Day in the workhouse

The merriest day of the year

The paupers and the prisoners

Were all assembled there

In strode The Beadle

In his finest robes and hat

The paupers sat in silence

Then shouted “what a….. fine upstanding gentleman he is”

In came the Christmas pudding

When a voice as bold as brass

Yelled, "We don't want your Christmas pudding

So stick it ……….under the table for a bit to cool down”

The workhouse Beadle then arose

And prepared to carve the duck

He said "Who would like the parson's nose?”

And the prisoners shouted

"we don’t give a ……twopenny piece, have it yourself sir"

“Help yourself” The Beadle said

“To Mulled Wine from the tank”

“I’m teetotal” shouted one poor chap

“So instead I’ll have a …….wash with carbolic soap and water”

The Vicar brought his bible

And read out little bits

Said one old crone at the back of the hall

"This man gets on ………… very well with everybody”

The workhouse Mistress then began

To hand out Christmas parcels

The paupers tore the wrappers off

And began to wipe their ……running noses”

The Beadle rose to make a speech

But just before he started

The mistress, who was fifteen stone

Gave three loud cheers and ……..fainted on the tile floor”

And all the paupers then began

To pull their Christmas crackers

One pauper held his too low down

And blew off both his ….. breeches buttons”

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce

Was handed round to some

An aged pervert called aloud

"This bread sauce tastes like …..yesterday’s stale porridge”

Mince pie with custard sauce was next

And each received a bit

One pauper said "The mince pie's nice

But the custard tastes like …….

the bread sauce we had in the last verse !"

The Mistress dishing out the food

Dropped custard down her front

She cried "Aren't I just a silly girl"

And they shouted "No, you're a ………valued member of the workhouse staff”

"This pudding ", said The Beadle

"It's solid, hard and thick

how am I going to cut it ?"

And a man cried "Use your………..

penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"

The Mistress asked the vicar

To entertain his flock

He said "What would you like to see ?"

And they cried "Let's see your………..

conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching"

"Your reverence may I be excused ?"

Said one benign old chap

"I don't like conjuring tricks

I'd sooner have a ……puff of me clay pipe”

So then they all began to sing

Which shook the workhouse walls

"Merry Christmas!" cried the Beadle

And the inmates shouted

"Best of luck to you as well sir !"