FabSwingers.com forum: Manipulative language

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Yesterday I had these messages.

1. Dirty pops wank ?

2. Hey, Long time.....

Both were ignored but at least 1 is honest.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yesterday I had these messages.

1. Dirty pops wank ?

2. Hey, Long time.....

Both were ignored but at least 1 is honest. "

Haha!

Another pet peeve “long time no speak” - I’ve never spoken to you in my life!!!! We both know it! Passive manipulation!

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By *host63Man
over a year ago

Bedfont Feltham

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha "

Language and its terms are always open to interpretation and differences in perspective.¹

That's why it's so easy to get other peoples meningitis wrong.

I think this is much easier for interpretation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yeah I get that too. Sometimes I'll read a message and it seems like we've chatted, even a simple, 'hey, how's things'...comes across as familiar, when we actually aren't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't forget we were going to talk about passive manipulation when we next go for coffee.

We should talk about a dirty pops wank too... Actually let's not

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Language is a funny thing, hubby has learned that words we all use such as suffer and nice don't mean what people think they do, I forget everything but he's good x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha

Language and its terms are always open to interpretation and differences in perspective.¹

That's why it's so easy to get other peoples meningitis wrong.

I think this is much easier for interpretation.

Definitely! There’s always misinterpretation but unless the author has a completely different grasp on the English language compared to myself, we can agree that “still interested” implies previous interest and the good old “long time no speak” implies we have spoken before?

It seems manipulative to me, not with malice but as a kind of get around to tease conversation out or to make it slightly more difficult to decline “that coffee”.

That’s my opinion anyway

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Language is a funny thing, hubby has learned that words we all use such as suffer and nice don't mean what people think they do, I forget everything but he's good x"

It’s so interesting to me too

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By *ed VoluptaWoman
over a year ago

Wirral.

Spot on, OP!

Thought it was just me that mused over the seemingly banal messages I get on here.

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By *LiamMan
over a year ago

Midlands

Some creepy people on here

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yeah I get that too. Sometimes I'll read a message and it seems like we've chatted, even a simple, 'hey, how's things'...comes across as familiar, when we actually aren't. "

I find over familiarity really off putting.

I’m also creeped out by “I had a dream about you last night” eeeeee we’ve never met or even spoken!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Spot on, OP!

Thought it was just me that mused over the seemingly banal messages I get on here. "

Haha definitely not just you!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think I was a bit guilty of the self deprecation one. It can come from a lack of self confidence while trying to compliment the other person but I've tried to tone it down a lot because I imagine it can be a turn off to hear as there's a fine line between self deprecation and self loathing.

It is also a bit manipulative as there is the expectation for the other person to be nice and say kind things about you. Realistically, no one's going to say "Yeah, you're right. You're not good enough for me. Byeeeeee!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Had the do your remember me message we meet at XXX place before

not this becomes very tricky and not so tricky

I am shamed to say that probably wouldn’t remember the person exactly or in less they were outstanding

it’s not a knock on anyone just there’s been that meny it sort off just blends in

But what I do remember is the places I have had someone do when they say a place I click to nope definitely not had it there

The other tricky one is

If they say a night club somewhere and get it right there’s a good chance it’s been a toilet or back back alleyway one or I let them take me home in exange for a place to lay my head till trains are runny

That’s the thing about only partying down south way sometimes can’t get a hotel so just need to go on the pull

I normally take it with a Pintch off salt and say well you all ready had me so that be a no now

Just so I know I not being played

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By *iman2100Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha

Language and its terms are always open to interpretation and differences in perspective.¹

That's why it's so easy to get other peoples meningitis wrong.

I think this is much easier for interpretation.

meningitis? wrf?

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By *LiamMan
over a year ago

Midlands

The ones who try trick you for your phone number are weird. I've had it a few times, get sent a number saying my 'new' number

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You’re examples could be instances of manipulation. But are you assuming people are intelligent enough to manipulate?!?

What if their use of the English language is completely innocent, if not incorrect?!? Maybe you’re psychoanalysing messages too much and making a victim of yourself… but a victim of what?? A guy trying his luck???

You’re not obliged to answer them. just delete it and that will demonstrate you’re not interested.

Of course there are those that persist but then isn’t that what the block function is for?

Not disagreeing with your post, just pointing some ideas out from a different angle.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You’re examples could be instances of manipulation. But are you assuming people are intelligent enough to manipulate?!?

You’re not obliged to answer them. just delete it and that will demonstrate you’re not interested.

Of course there are those that persist but then isn’t that what the block function is for?

Not disagreeing with your post, just pointing some ideas out from a different angle. "

It’s just something I find very interesting and it happens very frequently on here

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The ones who try trick you for your phone number are weird. I've had it a few times, get sent a number saying my 'new' number

Yes!!!

I’ve had “I’ve deleted your number by mistake, can you resend it?” You’ve never had my number!!!!

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By *ervent_fervourMan
over a year ago

Halifax

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha "

Because God loves a trier. And if you're lucky, a goddess might too..

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think I was a bit guilty of the self deprecation one. It can come from a lack of self confidence while trying to compliment the other person but I've tried to tone it down a lot because I imagine it can be a turn off to hear as there's a fine line between self deprecation and self loathing.

It’s like hunting for a compliment in a roundabout way too. “Nooo, you’re not ugly, you’re cute” etc etc

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some people are chancers

And they can't manipulate you if you keep that in mind

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can imagine it’s very common…. But it’s effectively a dating site and guys are gonna try!! nature of the beast.

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

Are you talking about messages on this site or in the outside world and life in general?

It's used in advertising all the time.. the fear of missing out to stimulate awareness and interest... Eg... "help your teenager get their vaccine so they don't miss out this winter"...

Or the deliberate use of ambiguity or double entendre...or deliberate provocation to stimulate acknowledgment, interests or action..Language can be glorious, it can certainly be powerful, it can be manipulative and enjoyable and fun... Used to divide, or used to unite..

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By *ob08Man
over a year ago

Macclesfield

1st world problems, no big deal just move on.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"1st world problems, no big deal just move on."

Just a discussion. That’s what forums are for.

Maybe take your own advice and ignore if it isn’t of interest to you

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Are you talking about messages on this site or in the outside world and life in general?

It's used in advertising all the time.. the fear of missing out to stimulate awareness and interest... Eg... "help your teenager get their vaccine so they don't miss out this winter"...

Good point! Both really isn’t it.

Advertising language is as manipulative as it gets!

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By *ich_ChesterMan
over a year ago

Chester

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha "

Best be careful what i write to you in future

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By *ob08Man
over a year ago

Macclesfield

"1st world problems, no big deal just move on.

Just a discussion. That’s what forums are for.

Maybe take your own advice and ignore if it isn’t of interest to you

Its a discussion except you don't want to hear anyone with a different opinion to you? That's not a discussion it's an echo chamber.

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By *ehind closed curtainsCouple
over a year ago

East Midlands

We are always slightly amused by folk who send closed messages, ie nothing to answer, & then message again because we haven't replied. Always look at it that if you are not up to starting a conversation by message as opposed to just making a statement then probability says we won't get on. Of course we are also guilty of using closed replies to kill a message thread sometimes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't know if this counts, but I had some random guy on here leave me a meet veri, stating he met me on a previous account. So I messaged to ask if he had confused me, he messaged back saying long time no speak and it was great to see me back on fab, and it was definitely the right account and did I want to meet again. So again I stated I don't know him, I'm still friends with everyone I've met on here and he wasn't one. Then he asked me to send more pics to confirm it was me. Erm, no!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"1st world problems, no big deal just move on.

Just a discussion. That’s what forums are for.

Maybe take your own advice and ignore if it isn’t of interest to you

Its a discussion except you don't want to hear anyone with a different opinion to you? That's not a discussion it's an echo chamber."

Please quote where I’ve said that? I’ll wait.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't know if this counts, but I had some random guy on here leave me a meet veri, stating he met me on a previous account. So I messaged to ask if he had confused me, he messaged back saying long time no speak and it was great to see me back on fab, and it was definitely the right account and did I want to meet again. So again I stated I don't know him, I'm still friends with everyone I've met on here and he wasn't one. Then he asked me to send more pics to confirm it was me. Erm, no!"

Exactly! How creepy is that!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"We are always slightly amused by folk who send closed messages, ie nothing to answer, & then message again because we haven't replied. Always look at it that if you are not up to starting a conversation by message as opposed to just making a statement then probability says we won't get on. Of course we are also guilty of using closed replies to kill a message thread sometimes."

I’m guilty of this too but I think the politeness in me does this when I want to end a message thread, the person is perfectly nice but I almost don’t want to waste their time when I have no intention of meeting them. I’ll say “have a lovely day, take care etc” rather then just ignore them

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha

Best be careful what i write to you in future

"
m

Haha long time no see

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yesterday I had these messages.

1. Dirty pops wank ?

2. Hey, Long time.....

Both were ignored but at least 1 is honest.

Haha!

Another pet peeve “long time no speak” - I’ve never spoken to you in my life!!!! We both know it! Passive manipulation! "

"Hello stranger" - absolutely hate it!!

E x

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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago

Stirling

The ones where they ask you almost daily if they seen you outside such and such

The ones where they say we spoke years back on another platform- did we aye?

The ones that have expectations from the outset a list of demands and claims to ruin you warm my heart

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yesterday I had these messages.

1. Dirty pops wank ?

2. Hey, Long time.....

Both were ignored but at least 1 is honest.

Haha!

Another pet peeve “long time no speak” - I’ve never spoken to you in my life!!!! We both know it! Passive manipulation!

"Hello stranger" - absolutely hate it!!

E x"

Glad it’s not just me! I do think “do I know you?” And “oh god, it’s not my neighbour is it?” Hahaha

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The ones where they ask you almost daily if they seen you outside such and such

The ones where they say we spoke years back on another platform- did we aye?

The ones that have expectations from the outset a list of demands and claims to ruin you warm my heart

That creeps me out! Especially if it’s someone local!!!!

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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago

Stirling

"The ones where they ask you almost daily if they seen you outside such and such

The ones where they say we spoke years back on another platform- did we aye?

The ones that have expectations from the outset a list of demands and claims to ruin you warm my heart

That creeps me out! Especially if it’s someone local!!!! "

Totally, I feel disturbed by it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"1st world problems, no big deal just move on.

Just a discussion. That’s what forums are for.

Maybe take your own advice and ignore if it isn’t of interest to you

Its a discussion except you don't want to hear anyone with a different opinion to you? That's not a discussion it's an echo chamber."

It's a great insight. Just like to say it could work the other way around with women manipulating to. It's not exclusive to just men. Have you noticed that with ladies contacting you?

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

"Trying to be clever when you're not isn't a good look, this whole thread is an attention seeking "look at me and my seriously not serious problem" you're not attempting any genuine "discussion" you're trying to be a smart arse and failing.

I'm sure the op is able to respond for themselves, but... Not seeing that at all.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"1st world problems, no big deal just move on.

Just a discussion. That’s what forums are for.

Maybe take your own advice and ignore if it isn’t of interest to you

Its a discussion except you don't want to hear anyone with a different opinion to you? That's not a discussion it's an echo chamber.

It's a great insight. Just like to say it could work the other way around with women manipulating to. It's not exclusive to just men. Have you noticed that with ladies contacting you?"

Absolutely true! I’m sure it’s not gender specific.

I don’t get messages from women so I can’t comment.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One can certainly be clever with language. It's very sales techniquey. There's a whole "science" of persuasion that could be applied to fab messages.

The outright lies and tricks are more dishonest. Moving from sales to con artists.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The ones where they ask you almost daily if they seen you outside such and such

The ones where they say we spoke years back on another platform- did we aye?

The ones that have expectations from the outset a list of demands and claims to ruin you warm my heart

That creeps me out! Especially if it’s someone local!!!!

Totally, I feel disturbed by it! "

I had a disturbing incident in McDonald’s that was a long these lines but that’s another thread!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My messages aren't that frequent, but the ones I receive are always nice, polite.etc.

Perhaps being a male on here is not so bad after all.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"One can certainly be clever with language. It's very sales techniquey. There's a whole "science" of persuasion that could be applied to fab messages.

The outright lies and tricks are more dishonest. Moving from sales to con artists. "

If you watch any videos by Grant Cardone, he is the master of manipulative language in sakes and it’s fascinating!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just had an Email from Apple stating “there is still time for me to be a Christmas hero”….. thanks, like I’m not gonna be!

Manipulative words to get me to part with money to buy the latest iWatch.

Difference is if they where asking me for sex in exchange… I’d be balls deep in Steve jobs By this evening!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Just had an Email from Apple stating “there is still time for me to be a Christmas hero”….. thanks, like I’m not gonna be!

Manipulative words to get me to part with money to buy the latest iWatch.

Difference is if they where asking me for sex in exchange… I’d be balls deep in Steve jobs By this evening!! "

Their marketing is second to none really though, it’s quite unreal!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"One can certainly be clever with language. It's very sales techniquey. There's a whole "science" of persuasion that could be applied to fab messages.

The outright lies and tricks are more dishonest. Moving from sales to con artists.

If you watch any videos by Grant Cardone, he is the master of manipulative language in sakes and it’s fascinating! "

thanks for the tip. I promise not to use them in fab messages...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not as unreal as my shiny new iPhone 13 pro!!! Wait what..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yesterday I had these messages.

1. Dirty pops wank ?

2. Hey, Long time.....

Both were ignored but at least 1 is honest. "

What does dirty pops wank even mean?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Not as unreal as my shiny new iPhone 13 pro!!! Wait what..

Haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That is just your opinion though, and in my opinion I disagree with you. I feel that OP has a very valid point, for me it highlights yet another way chosen by some of the men on here who try to manipulate women into agreeing to or convincing women to have some kind of sexual encounter with them.

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

I did have a brief conversation with one guy who was trying to convince me we played together in a club. It didn’t take long for me to know he was trying to manipulate me when he told me which club. Mainly because I’d never been to that club.

But I’ve received the ‘we’ve chatted before’ type of messages but as I’m a fully paid up member I can see if we have exchanged messages previously.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I did have a brief conversation with one guy who was trying to convince me we played together in a club. It didn’t take long for me to know he was trying to manipulate me when he told me which club. Mainly because I’d never been to that club.

But I’ve received the ‘we’ve chatted before’ type of messages but as I’m a fully paid up member I can see if we have exchanged messages previously.

Why would you want to meet someone that you’ve had to manipulate?

I think that if you don’t want to meet me through non-manipulative means then I don’t want to meet you! It makes no sense to me

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

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By *ich_ChesterMan
over a year ago

Chester

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha

Best be careful what i write to you in future

Haha long time no see

just wish that i could see more of you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha "

Love this thread and working in the space that I do language is so important and the way that we use it. You have used some great examples.

Language is powerful and where the emphasis is and in which words. It’s very hard to convey over texts that’s why more care needs to be taken to communicate exactly what we mean

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha

Love this thread and working in the space that I do language is so important and the way that we use it. You have used some great examples.

Language is powerful and where the emphasis is and in which words. It’s very hard to convey over texts that’s why more care needs to be taken to communicate exactly what we mean"

So true

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha

Best be careful what i write to you in future

Haha long time no see

just wish that i could see more of you x"

For that coffee? Haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"One can certainly be clever with language. It's very sales techniquey. There's a whole "science" of persuasion that could be applied to fab messages.

The outright lies and tricks are more dishonest. Moving from sales to con artists.

If you watch any videos by Grant Cardone, he is the master of manipulative language in sakes and it’s fascinating! "

I have had emails from his team asking my I’m failing myself and everyone around me by not buying his products

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By *ich_ChesterMan
over a year ago

Chester

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha

Best be careful what i write to you in future

Haha long time no see

just wish that i could see more of you x

For that coffee? Haha

That's the one, interested?? Haha x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s like hunting for a compliment in a roundabout way too. “Nooo, you’re not ugly, you’re cute” etc etc "

Yeah, exactly. Not a huge fan of anyone fishing for compliments but on the other hand, some people can be genuinely starved of attention that they think it can give them a bit of a boost.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Don't forget we were going to talk about passive manipulation when we next go for coffee.

We should talk about a dirty pops wank too... Actually let's not

I wasn't sure what 'dirty pops' meant.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s like hunting for a compliment in a roundabout way too. “Nooo, you’re not ugly, you’re cute” etc etc

Yeah, exactly. Not a huge fan of anyone fishing for compliments but on the other hand, some people can be genuinely starved of attention that they think it can give them a bit of a boost."

You can compliment someone in this way as long as you aren’t deprecating your own worth.

I’m totally awesome but you are way above when the level I’ve reached - example before you get carried away

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

"Don't forget we were going to talk about passive manipulation when we next go for coffee.

We should talk about a dirty pops wank too... Actually let's not

I wasn't sure what 'dirty pops' meant..... "

Wasn't it a film with Robert de Niro in it.?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Don't forget we were going to talk about passive manipulation when we next go for coffee.

We should talk about a dirty pops wank too... Actually let's not

I wasn't sure what 'dirty pops' meant..... "

I've no idea either. You should contact that person and ask them what they meant... oh wait

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

Saving some of these for science and a mate

I’ve lost your number can you send it again. Genius

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s like hunting for a compliment in a roundabout way too. “Nooo, you’re not ugly, you’re cute” etc etc

Yeah, exactly. Not a huge fan of anyone fishing for compliments but on the other hand, some people can be genuinely starved of attention that they think it can give them a bit of a boost.

You can compliment someone in this way as long as you aren’t deprecating your own worth.

I’m totally awesome but you are way above when the level I’ve reached - example before you get carried away

Damn, just read it was an example. I've already sent 10 messages

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire

It’s not just the Passive Manipulation in messages, it’s assumption too…..

“ I want you in stockings and suspenders” …. Having chatted with and met a very nice guy he sent me that a few days later…. The conversation stopped there because it was ‘assumed’ I would oblige….. I decide what I wear mate and you can fuck off! That was how I saw it….

Made an ass of himself

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It’s not just the Passive Manipulation in messages, it’s assumption too…..

Made an ass of himself

There’s no harm in “I really love stockings and suspenders, is that something you like to wear?”, it’s the way it’s made into a command isn’t it? I agree, I’d feel the same.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s like hunting for a compliment in a roundabout way too. “Nooo, you’re not ugly, you’re cute” etc etc

Yeah, exactly. Not a huge fan of anyone fishing for compliments but on the other hand, some people can be genuinely starved of attention that they think it can give them a bit of a boost.

You can compliment someone in this way as long as you aren’t deprecating your own worth.

I’m totally awesome but you are way above when the level I’ve reached - example before you get carried away

Damn, just read it was an example. I've already sent 10 messages

Let me know if it works

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By *racy_JacksWoman
over a year ago

Derby

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha

Language and its terms are always open to interpretation and differences in perspective.¹

That's why it's so easy to get other peoples meningitis wrong.

I think this is much easier for interpretation.

It seems manipulative to me, not with malice but as a kind of get around to tease conversation out or to make it slightly more difficult to decline “that coffee”.

That’s my opinion anyway

There is a whole field of research focused on the structure of conversation. There is actually very little difference in perspective of how language works, there are systematic patterns in talk- if there wasn’t then we would really struggle to interact!

Maybe there isn’t always intent to manipulate but “are you still interested in that coffee?” clearly sets up for a “yes” response (the scientific term for this is preference organisation)

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I love language, it fascinates me and always has.

Messages on here give me lots of entertainment.

One thing that I have noticed a lot is passive manipulation in messages.

For example -

“Are you still interested in that coffee?”

Seems ok doesn’t it?

But the use of the word “still” implies I have previously shown interest. Looking back, I absolutely haven’t.

“That coffee” implies that meeting for coffee was a possible plan that we have discussed and shown positive interest in. I haven’t.

There are lots of examples, this is just one.

Implying interest has been shown by me when it hasn’t, I think I know you, I’ve met you before etc etc.

Also a lot of self depreciation “I know I’m not good enough for you but…..”. Well firstly, no one is any better than anyone else but if you truly believe this, why are you messaging me?

“Im sure we’ve chatted before and you said you’d meet me”.

I have too much time on my hands haha

Language and its terms are always open to interpretation and differences in perspective.¹

That's why it's so easy to get other peoples meningitis wrong.

I think this is much easier for interpretation.

It seems manipulative to me, not with malice but as a kind of get around to tease conversation out or to make it slightly more difficult to decline “that coffee”.

That’s my opinion anyway

Maybe there isn’t always intent to manipulate but “are you still interested in that coffee?” clearly sets up for a “yes” response (the scientific term for this is preference organisation) "

I suppose that’s what I meant by manipulation. The way it’s worded makes it feel more uncomfortable to give a no response. I’m hopeful that it doesn’t come from a bad place but it is something that I can’t help but notice, mostly because of how it makes me feel. Good job and old and bolshy and just say no anyway

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

"Yeah I get that too. Sometimes I'll read a message and it seems like we've chatted, even a simple, 'hey, how's things'...comes across as familiar, when we actually aren't.

I find over familiarity really off putting.

I’m also creeped out by “I had a dream about you last night” eeeeee we’ve never met or even spoken! "

Hello you/hello trouble are the ones that get me, like they know me already? I wouldn't say that to someone I hadn't met.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh OP, I am exactly the same. Language and communication fascinate me. And you are spot on in your observations.

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By *iaisonseekerMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

Isn't the mating game all about illusion, misdirection and manipulation i.e. presenting a carefully curated image of oneself to appeal to someone? I don't think there is anything especially sinister in these messages OP, certainly no more than women wearing makeup to enhance their attractiveness or someone finding out what their crush's favourite band is. Everyone tries to work an angle when they're interested in someone.

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By *ifty grades of shadyCouple
over a year ago

Carisbrooke, Isle of Wight

"Yeah I get that too. Sometimes I'll read a message and it seems like we've chatted, even a simple, 'hey, how's things'...comes across as familiar, when we actually aren't.

I find over familiarity really off putting.

I’m also creeped out by “I had a dream about you last night” eeeeee we’ve never met or even spoken! "

Thats the precursor for you saying " did you?"

The sender says too right I did, wasn't gonna turn your sweet ass down...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Isn't the mating game all about illusion, misdirection and manipulation i.e. presenting a carefully curated image of oneself to appeal to someone? I don't think there is anything especially sinister in these messages OP, certainly no more than women wearing makeup to enhance their attractiveness or someone finding out what their crush's favourite band is. Everyone tries to work an angle when they're interested in someone."

I don’t think the mating game is. For a start it’s not a game. It’s about openness, honesty, trust and being the best version of you for someone else.

Though maybe I’m too old to be playing games

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By *rucking-HellMan
over a year ago

Northampton

"It’s not just the Passive Manipulation in messages, it’s assumption too…..

Made an ass of himself

There’s no harm in “I really love stockings and suspenders, is that something you like to wear?”, it’s the way it’s made into a command isn’t it? I agree, I’d feel the same.

It's more complex than that. A lot, and I mean a LOT of female profiles say they're "looking for a genuine dom". A lot of men don't know exactly what that means or entails, and think a message like that may give them an advantage, or appeal to what women are looking for.

Asking "are stockings and suspenders something you like to wear" may make a lot of men feel as if they're not being dom enough, and giving women agency. It sounds too polite and at odds with the reality of what many women say they're looking for.

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
over a year ago

Coventry

I think that when someone has been exposed to manipulative and coercive practices that someone can tend to be watchful and potentially overthinking the use of language. Which of course is understandable. Sometime it maybe the case and sometimes not. Also I think in some cases where it manipulative that manipulation maybe be subconscious to the individual doing it. In my experience manipulative behaviour is common in lots of ordinary people, women and men, often without them recognising in them selves.

And obviously context is very important here. Like when you've said they've implied a certain amount of mutual investment that in reality hasn't been made.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think that when someone has been exposed to manipulative and coercive practices that someone can tend to be watchful and potentially overthinking the use of language. Which of course is understandable. Sometime it maybe the case and sometimes not. Also I think in some cases where it manipulative that manipulation maybe be subconscious to the individual doing it. In my experience manipulative behaviour is common in lots of ordinary people, women and men, often without them recognising in them selves.

And obviously context is very important here. Like when you've said they've implied a certain amount of mutual investment that in reality hasn't been made."

Very true. Context is important and also individually, how did it make you feel? No one will ever truly know if the manipulation (however subtle) was intentional, you can only speak from your own experience

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And obviously context is very important here. Like when you've said they've implied a certain amount of mutual investment that in reality hasn't been made.

What you have to remember that on a subconscious level that is who you are. It what happens automatically or not consciously.

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