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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

... that i opened up about something very deep within me. Ive never spoken about this publicly out of fear of what ppl will think of me and ive reread this post many times as im so unsure about opening up this way. My anxiety is through the roof debating whether to post this or not. And ive only told this to 3 ppl in my whole life, 2 being from fab.

This is something that is very deeply rooted in my depression and anxiety, but i feel that many ppl dont like me...

I get it, im different, not everyone will like me and i get that, but i feel like most ppl dont like me for who i am. I understand i am unique in my own way but while it can be a gift to stand out from the crowd, i also feel its my greatest curse.

Ive had to accept that im different in a shit ton of ways, my real name, how i act, how i speak, how i portray myself, but its always been a problem for me to fit in wherever i go, like im too different, like im some freak, a weirdo, a nobody. Ive always felt extremely lonely ever since i was a child.

Its so immensely difficult for me to be open about this without feeling like a burden to others, that im just attention seeking, that nobody cares about me or wants to hear me speak up about my feelings. I feel like ppl roll their eyes and sigh at me...

"Nobody cares about you, Jennen"

...I hate my name with a passion, as ive always associated it with being different, an outsider, its why i just tell ppl to call me Jay.

I understand that i am given occasional acts of kindness from ppl when i open up. Im not ungrateful for receiving them, its just so hard to remember and acknowledge that i do receive them in comparison to feeling like an unwanted outsider.

While some of you will say "dont let your feelings be dictated by the validation of others", you need to understand that having felt like an outsider practically my entire life, its important to me to feel included, that im appreciated for who i am.

Its so hard for me to try form friendships with you, i feel like im just being annoying, that i have nothing to offer, despite trying my hardest to be a good person, and most importantly a good friend.

Im not saying this to seek attention or pity from others, im doing this because i want you all to understand that all i want is to be accepted and appreciated for who i am. If you lose respect for me for doing this, and you just think im some lonely attention seeker, then its your right to feel that way. Im just being honest about how i feel.

So i have exposed my deepest wound to you all, an act that hurts me so much by sharing my most fragile and vulnerable part of me, so when you see me around in the forums or in your inbox, please dont judge me too harshly... im only human

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What can I say, you're taken on here for how you are, not for your history or your insecurities. In this way it's a very democratic place, and you're treated, generally speaking, as equally as you could be anywhere. So let the good times roll, and be part of a community that is accepting. Short and sweet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I feel your pain.

I have a complex PTSD diagnosis ... sometimes anxiety levels are through the roof. It sure tastes like shit don't it?

Hang in there, own it, look it in the eye... you will bounce back. We always do xxx

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By *offiaCoolWoman
over a year ago

Kidsgrove

Am I being too simplistic by wondering why you haven't changed your name by deed poll ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m no psychologist so probably not the best person to try and impart advice but if there’s a long-standing history of depression / mental anguish over this whilst talking it through on here may be cathartic, be wary of taking advice from people you don’t know who aren’t specialists in providing quality mental health advice.

I hope that you are able to find some sort of closure / solution to this as life is too short to have it ruined by such things.

Good luck mg friend

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Am I being too simplistic by wondering why you haven't changed your name by deed poll ?"

Believe me ive contemplated it, but then i lose my identity. Like i said being unique is both a gift and a curse. While i could change my name to Jay, i just become another Jay, i stop being Jennen, even if my birth name carries a painful weight

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I’m no psychologist so probably not the best person to try and impart advice but if there’s a long-standing history of depression / mental anguish over this whilst talking it through on here may be cathartic, be wary of taking advice from people you don’t know who aren’t specialists in providing quality mental health advice.

I hope that you are able to find some sort of closure / solution to this as life is too short to have it ruined by such things.

Good luck mg friend "

This mate, it’s good to talk but make sure your getting proper help too, I have had depression and it’s vital you get therapy, especially for deep rooted trauma!

But remember you are enough

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I’m no psychologist so probably not the best person to try and impart advice but if there’s a long-standing history of depression / mental anguish over this whilst talking it through on here may be cathartic, be wary of taking advice from people you don’t know who aren’t specialists in providing quality mental health advice.

I hope that you are able to find some sort of closure / solution to this as life is too short to have it ruined by such things.

Good luck mg friend "

No i get what youre saying and i do carefully analyse the advice im given. Not that its bad advice, more rather if its advice that is suited to my problems. Ppl who give advice, may not be experts themselves, and no matter how much i explain my issues, they wont fully understand my problems without having been in my shoes since the problems began, though i wont ignore it and turn it away.

Whats more important to me, regardless of the advice they give, is that they have seen me, and listened to my problems. That holds more meaning to me in itself than any form of advice they can give

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By *offiaCoolWoman
over a year ago

Kidsgrove


"Am I being too simplistic by wondering why you haven't changed your name by deed poll ?

Believe me ive contemplated it, but then i lose my identity. Like i said being unique is both a gift and a curse. While i could change my name to Jay, i just become another Jay, i stop being Jennen, even if my birth name carries a painful weight"

Then pick another name than is uncommon, but doesn't jar you in the same way yours does ?

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

You're not alone in feeling like this.

I'm a bit of a loner, always have been. Was bullied at school and dance class by people in their cliques.

I much prefer one on one friendships.

Never felt like I ever fitted in anywhere, but I'm a bit like marmite, you either love me or hate me!

The older I get, the less I care!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I feel your pain.

I have a complex PTSD diagnosis ... sometimes anxiety levels are through the roof. It sure tastes like shit don't it?

Hang in there, own it, look it in the eye... you will bounce back. We always do xxx"

Tbh i think id rather eat shit than feel anxiety but if you saw my previous thread from earlier today "can you feel my heart" youll see how quickly and hard i hit the floor. But at the same time, my lowest point lasted less than 24 hours

I know im fragile, i know i can have moments of crippling weakest and look like a weak person, but im also a warrior, im never afraid of the darkness when it rolls in, ill always be brave and walk through the fires of hell cos i know no matter how many times ill burn to ashes ill arise again like the phoenix

Ive died inside 10,000 times and ill die 10,000 more but ill always keep resurrecting a little stronger each time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Op, are you getting professional help? therapy?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Op, are you getting professional help? therapy? "

Can’t help but repeat this I know your feel like you keep coming back but you do until you don’t...can’t say it enough speak to a professional it will help no end!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Am I being too simplistic by wondering why you haven't changed your name by deed poll ?

Believe me ive contemplated it, but then i lose my identity. Like i said being unique is both a gift and a curse. While i could change my name to Jay, i just become another Jay, i stop being Jennen, even if my birth name carries a painful weight

Then pick another name than is uncommon, but doesn't jar you in the same way yours does ?"

I have also thought about this yes, but when i have i keep thinking to myself "all the ppl who put me down, they wont know its me when i succeed". I hate my name yes, but i have to accept that its also a part of me and what makes me unique. Changing my name to hide away from it is not who i am.

Its like what weve been hearing on the news about the removal of statues of historical figures, trying to cover up that part of our history rather than acknowledging and learning from it. It does more harm to forget than to remember and learn, and the same principle applies to keeping my name, even if i dont like it, i have to live with it

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By *uenevereWoman
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

Have you considered some sort of therapy to help you embrace your uniqueness?

We're all unique in our own way, but standing out from the crowd isn't for everyone.

My husband has a very unusual name, so unusual that he tends not to give it away in the swinging scene.

However, in everyday life he seems to like the fact that he has an unusual name...despite having to regularly explain and spell it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Op, are you getting professional help? therapy? "

I saw a counsellor when i went to college, it practically did nothing for me. Ive always been one to to self manage and reflect regarding my problems, being my own therapist in a way. I know why i have a lot of these problems and im good at identifying and understanding them in general. Psychology has always been a fascination of mine so its helped me look at my problems from an objective view point and how to address them, and find ways to overcome them

While i dont tend to talk about my problems with many ppl, im not bottling them up, i confront them myself. Honestly if i hadnt been doing this for several years now i probably would have succeeded taking my life a long time ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Have you considered some sort of therapy to help you embrace your uniqueness?

We're all unique in our own way, but standing out from the crowd isn't for everyone.

My husband has a very unusual name, so unusual that he tends not to give it away in the swinging scene.

However, in everyday life he seems to like the fact that he has an unusual name...despite having to regularly explain and spell it."

Oh i embrace my uniqueness, its taken a long time to learn how to do it but im fairing better than i did before. Its why i haven't changed my name, or why i havent tried to change at all

Well i did try to change when i was in my late teens, i tried to be more "normal" but it just wasnt truly me

But despite embracing my uniqueness, its still hard trying to find a place to fit in, and it doesnt mean i should be content with being an outsider. I want to find my place where im accepted for who i am in my own unique way

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By *oubleswing2019Man
over a year ago

Colchester

[Removed by poster at 26/11/21 18:10:49]

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By *oubleswing2019Man
over a year ago

Colchester

All I can offer is this.

The more we search trying to identify who we are, the further we travel from finding the answer.

Instead of a lifelong quest to find ourselves (which is like going on a journey with no road map nor sense of direction), instead look at what you aspire to be. That's the end goal.

Now you have a target and can direct and channel your energy accordingly.

"Fitting in" is vastly over-rated.

Sheep aspire to "fit in".

I sense you are anything but, and good on you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"All I can offer is this.

The more we search trying to identify who we are, the further we travel from finding the answer.

Instead of a lifelong quest to find ourselves (which is like going on a journey with no road map nor sense of direction), instead look at what you aspire to be. That's the end goal.

Now you have a target and can direct and channel your energy accordingly.

"Fitting in" is vastly over-rated.

Sheep aspire to "fit in".

I sense you are anything but, and good on you."

And thats just it, for a long time ive imagined what i want to be, someone whos unique but also someone to inspire others

I know ive never been a sheep and i never wanted to be, ive always seen myself as a wolf (and its also my spirit animal), i have a strong connection and love for dogs. But i still want to fit into the flock of sheep as a wolf. I dont want the sheep to be afraid of me, i want them to see that i can be as valuable to them as the sheep dog

In a way, i just want to find my place in the world...

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

Big hugs op

Depression and anxiety really do suck x x

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By *hroatQueen_CATV/TS
over a year ago

Carlisle

Lot's of people suffer and feel the same! But the only people who can truly understand is those who know what it's like, But ultimately only yourself really knows no one walks in the same shoes. You will have good and bad days and that's fine! Also being positive and laughing doesn't mean the person isn't struggling at times, It's sometimes their way of dealing with things. What was your diagnosis?

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By *ungeon loving squirterCouple
over a year ago

redcar


"... that i opened up about something very deep within me. Ive never spoken about this publicly out of fear of what ppl will think of me and ive reread this post many times as im so unsure about opening up this way. My anxiety is through the roof debating whether to post this or not. And ive only told this to 3 ppl in my whole life, 2 being from fab.

This is something that is very deeply rooted in my depression and anxiety, but i feel that many ppl dont like me...

I get it, im different, not everyone will like me and i get that, but i feel like most ppl dont like me for who i am. I understand i am unique in my own way but while it can be a gift to stand out from the crowd, i also feel its my greatest curse.

Ive had to accept that im different in a shit ton of ways, my real name, how i act, how i speak, how i portray myself, but its always been a problem for me to fit in wherever i go, like im too different, like im some freak, a weirdo, a nobody. Ive always felt extremely lonely ever since i was a child.

Its so immensely difficult for me to be open about this without feeling like a burden to others, that im just attention seeking, that nobody cares about me or wants to hear me speak up about my feelings. I feel like ppl roll their eyes and sigh at me...

"Nobody cares about you, Jennen"

...I hate my name with a passion, as ive always associated it with being different, an outsider, its why i just tell ppl to call me Jay.

I understand that i am given occasional acts of kindness from ppl when i open up. Im not ungrateful for receiving them, its just so hard to remember and acknowledge that i do receive them in comparison to feeling like an unwanted outsider.

While some of you will say "dont let your feelings be dictated by the validation of others", you need to understand that having felt like an outsider practically my entire life, its important to me to feel included, that im appreciated for who i am.

Its so hard for me to try form friendships with you, i feel like im just being annoying, that i have nothing to offer, despite trying my hardest to be a good person, and most importantly a good friend.

Im not saying this to seek attention or pity from others, im doing this because i want you all to understand that all i want is to be accepted and appreciated for who i am. If you lose respect for me for doing this, and you just think im some lonely attention seeker, then its your right to feel that way. Im just being honest about how i feel.

So i have exposed my deepest wound to you all, an act that hurts me so much by sharing my most fragile and vulnerable part of me, so when you see me around in the forums or in your inbox, please dont judge me too harshly... im only human "
have I missed something in all the text. But I didn't get what you were trying to say other than you don't like your name

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

Oh my lovely I really felt fir you reading this.

I can't imagine feeling this way. It sounds such hard work in just wanting to be accepted for being yourself. Something everyone should be!

I don't feel sorry for you, just empathy towards you. Should you ever appear in my in box well...happy to chat.

I know it's easier said than done...especially when I have never had to 'live' with being different but fuck those that judge you.

I really hope that your depression lifts and you can celebrate being the lovely individual that you are.

From what you have said you seem that you would be a good understanding friend to have...I hope you find friends that are the same x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im sorry that you feel that way , and I know that it takes a toll on you when you feel “different” from the rest and that you think you don’t conform the norm .

A lot of the times, I think it’s stuff that our minds can build on, we can be our worst enemies.

Thanks for sharing your story,by the way I love your name. I think it’s very fascinating and unique in a good way.

Also your nickname Jay fits perfect for a short version of your name anyway.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Im sorry that you feel that way , and I know that it takes a toll on you when you feel “different” from the rest and that you think you don’t conform the norm .

A lot of the times, I think it’s stuff that our minds can build on, we can be our worst enemies.

Thanks for sharing your story,by the way I love your name. I think it’s very fascinating and unique in a good way.

Also your nickname Jay fits perfect for a short version of your name anyway. "

I get that a lot about my name, after i left school most ppl have positive things to say about it, and i say most cos theres still a few immature fucks who still think its funny. I got bullied SO MUCH in school simply because of my name, every insult you can think of, ive heard it.

Even though most ppl now have positive things to say about my name, its still making up for year and years of trauma and abuse when i was growing up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Op, are you getting professional help? therapy?

I saw a counsellor when i went to college, it practically did nothing for me. Ive always been one to to self manage and reflect regarding my problems, being my own therapist in a way. I know why i have a lot of these problems and im good at identifying and understanding them in general. Psychology has always been a fascination of mine so its helped me look at my problems from an objective view point and how to address them, and find ways to overcome them

While i dont tend to talk about my problems with many ppl, im not bottling them up, i confront them myself. Honestly if i hadnt been doing this for several years now i probably would have succeeded taking my life a long time ago"

I have done this all my life. Been my own counsellor and it works to an extent but all you can do is identify the problems not fix them. Therapy might be a good idea, they can help you not only identify the triggers but give you coping mechanisms too. I've reached a point now where I can't do it on my own anymore, I'm ready to seek help from a professional. It's a lot to cope with when your inside your own mind, sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and let someone else carry a tiny bit of it.

What I've learnt is that once you reach that dark place, it never truely leaves you. The best we can hope for is to survive those darkest days. It's a tough battle but there will be light and happiness one day.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Oh my lovely I really felt fir you reading this.

I can't imagine feeling this way. It sounds such hard work in just wanting to be accepted for being yourself. Something everyone should be!

I don't feel sorry for you, just empathy towards you. Should you ever appear in my in box well...happy to chat.

I know it's easier said than done...especially when I have never had to 'live' with being different but fuck those that judge you.

I really hope that your depression lifts and you can celebrate being the lovely individual that you are.

From what you have said you seem that you would be a good understanding friend to have...I hope you find friends that are the same x

"

Thank you, its honestly hard to find friends in general, when some ppl approach me its hard to allow myself to get close due to all the trauma and abuse ive been through. But when i approach others to form a friendship i feel like im not good enough, like im just being a pest and nuisance

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38


"Oh my lovely I really felt fir you reading this.

I can't imagine feeling this way. It sounds such hard work in just wanting to be accepted for being yourself. Something everyone should be!

I don't feel sorry for you, just empathy towards you. Should you ever appear in my in box well...happy to chat.

I know it's easier said than done...especially when I have never had to 'live' with being different but fuck those that judge you.

I really hope that your depression lifts and you can celebrate being the lovely individual that you are.

From what you have said you seem that you would be a good understanding friend to have...I hope you find friends that are the same x

Thank you, its honestly hard to find friends in general, when some ppl approach me its hard to allow myself to get close due to all the trauma and abuse ive been through. But when i approach others to form a friendship i feel like im not good enough, like im just being a pest and nuisance "

If you don't ever let anyone in then you'll never know if they could be a friend. And there are some really good people out there. I know there are some proper arse holes too, but some are worth getting to know.

Real friends can be hard to come by and it takes time for those relationships to develop to the point of total trust. My advice is to pick them wisely and don't be too hard on yourself x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's about time we normalised anxiety and depression

It isn't as lonely a place as you deem it to be

It's time we stopped lurking in the shadows, stood up and created a tidal wave of shared experiences

As a society we need an 'I'm Sparcatus' moment

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham


"It's about time we normalised anxiety and depression "

It is normal for almost everyone. But to different levels, at different times and for different reasons.

I spent my childhood and teens as an 'outsider', hated my real name too.

Get professional help OP and lose the people that make you feel bad. It's hard to do but so worth it in the end

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham


"Real friends can be hard to come by and it takes time for those relationships to develop to the point of total trust. My advice is to pick them wisely and don't be too hard on yourself x

"

They can also come and go, took me decades to accept that friends can be lost as well as found.

And it not be anyone's fault.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I feel your pain.

I have a complex PTSD diagnosis ... sometimes anxiety levels are through the roof. It sure tastes like shit don't it?

Hang in there, own it, look it in the eye... you will bounce back. We always do xxx

Tbh i think id rather eat shit than feel anxiety but if you saw my previous thread from earlier today "can you feel my heart" youll see how quickly and hard i hit the floor. But at the same time, my lowest point lasted less than 24 hours

I know im fragile, i know i can have moments of crippling weakest and look like a weak person, but im also a warrior, im never afraid of the darkness when it rolls in, ill always be brave and walk through the fires of hell cos i know no matter how many times ill burn to ashes ill arise again like the phoenix

Ive died inside 10,000 times and ill die 10,000 more but ill always keep resurrecting a little stronger each time"

I find this inspiring.

I think you need to give yourself more credit.

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38


"Real friends can be hard to come by and it takes time for those relationships to develop to the point of total trust. My advice is to pick them wisely and don't be too hard on yourself x

They can also come and go, took me decades to accept that friends can be lost as well as found.

And it not be anyone's fault."

Yes...they can.

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By *rMojoRisinMan
over a year ago

Sheffield

You’ve always struck me as a decent fella.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You’ve always struck me as a decent fella. "

You know, as short and laid back as this comment is, its actually pretty wholesome. Shamefully i havent really noticed you much on the forums, but i need to buy you a drink should we cross paths. Thanks man

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Real friends can be hard to come by and it takes time for those relationships to develop to the point of total trust. My advice is to pick them wisely and don't be too hard on yourself x

They can also come and go, took me decades to accept that friends can be lost as well as found.

And it not be anyone's fault."

Unfortunately i know this all too well, i only have 1 friend left outside of fab, and i only reconnected with her earlier this year but what we have is really wholesome and genuine. Ive lost friends i had known for over 10 years, ppl i regarded as my best friends, now theyre just somebody i used to know

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