FabSwingers.com forum: Cheesy jokes

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Having a shithouse of a day... let's hear your cheesiest joke or pick up line.

I'll go first, what bird is always out of breath? Puffin.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Put finger in each side off your mouth pull out word to the side and say my daddy’s a banker 5 times fast

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 18/11/21 18:06:51]

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie"

Straight out the gates with a belter.

Knickin that!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie

Straight out the gates with a belter.

Knickin that!"

I have a few more cheese puns. But none of them are any gouda.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Condoms are like crisps.

You can buy them in pubs and shops and they come in several varieties too:

Plain

Flavoured

Ridged

Extra thick

Extra large

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Is it me, or does Danish Blue sound like porn studio?

What cheese do pensioners eat?

Saga!

A mix of blue cheese and brie, creamy, blue-veined cheese with a white-mould rind. Saga is a very mild blue-veined cheese. It comes with a delicate blue mold, that may not appear in other varieties of blue cheeses. It is aged for more than 60 days.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

What cheese did Gulliver take on his travels?

Liliput. A polish cheese.

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

What do you call a fish without eyes?

A fsh.

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

Why was the math teacher late to work?

She took the rhombus.

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? "HDMI."

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop."

Miss Piggy, is what I call her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqyAakBUdg

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

How did The Carpenters like to travel?

By plane!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Why was the math teacher late to work?

She took the rhombus."

That'll teach 'er not to study her time(s)tables

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By *ver the hill for fabMan
over a year ago

LONDON

My friend failed his Australian aboriginal music test i asked him didgeridoo it not to bad

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

What has a bark, but no bite?

A dogwood tree.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Geordie lass goes to the Geordie doctor - doctor doctor my fanny smells of coconut... Doctor says, well it's Bounty.

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Visiting Blackpool

"My dog has no nose"

'How does he smell?'

"Bloody awful"

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

Why is edam unusual?

Its made backwards

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Father forgive me, for I have sinned

What is it, you wish to seek forgiveness for my child?

I have spent all the rent money at the pub, now the landlord is taking me to court.

(he then thumbs up his trusty book of sins and punishments and whispers a little bit too loudly)

'ail Mary?

I'm not Mary, I'm her sister Doris and 10:30's a bit too early for me to hit the bottle.

Shame on you father!

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Visiting Blackpool

You've got to hand it to them...

Ticket collectors

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By *inell1Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

My ex wife didn't believe I could make a car out of spaghetti...she changed her mind when I drove pasta....

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?

He was stuck in a vicious cycle.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Venn-debtors" a diagram that shows a group of people who owe protection money to one gangster, the other group owes money to a backstreet money lender and some poor sods owe money to both.

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What type of cheese doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some of these cheesy jokes are really grate

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

What sort of cheese does Findus use yo flavour their lasagne?

Mask-a-pony

What sort of cheese would you use to provoke a grizzly?.

Camon-bear!

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Why did the cheese lose a fight with a stone?

Because the Roquefort back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

Cheese sticks.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

What did Mr Cheese paint Mrs Cheese

He Double Gloucester

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

What cheese has money in it?

LanCASHire!

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What do you call a dinosaur made of cheese?

Gorgonzilla

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/11/21 17:49:44]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into a bar and says “ouch”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does a nosy pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Stinking Bishop: proudly sponsors Father Ted the Musical

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

I know a joke about cheese strings and it will have you telling me to "get knotted!"

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

U into Star Wars?

Cause yoda-licious...

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Scanners show sexy life forms in this area... oh, it’s only you!

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

I need to me a new girl cuz im tired of doing it with my Hans Solo.

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

I once dropped a Viagra in the lift it took a week before it came back down

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By *idewillyMan
over a year ago

portsmouth

Englishman scotsman welshman walk into a cafe english orders egg chips beans

Scots orders eggs sausage chips

Welsh orders bacon sausage egg and chips

Which one is the sailor man the one with the sailors suit on....well my grandad did tell it me as a kid

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

I just swallowed a stack of Scrabble tiles by accident.....

My next poop could spell disaster!

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? "Are you having a cry-sis?"

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn....."

Stupid firemen!

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

What's brown and sticky?

A stick...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What kind of bees give milk?

Boo Bees.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You've got to hand it to them.

Blind prostitutes.

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By *ambofkMan
over a year ago

Hamilton

What do you call a dug with no legs

It doesn’t matter what you call him he ain’t coming

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By *ambofkMan
over a year ago

Hamilton

What’s green and smells like bacon…

Kermits middle finger

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

[Removed by poster at 22/11/21 02:22:32]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is it me, or does Danish Blue sound like porn studio?

What cheese do pensioners eat?

Saga!

Is a joke any good if you have to explain it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A horse walks into a bar, barman says “ why the long face”?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 22/11/21 02:22:39]

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk...

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

Did you hear about the dyslexic and agnostic insomniac?

He used to lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 22/11/21 02:39:20]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman has just offered me super sex.

I've decided to have the soup.

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By *ambofkMan
over a year ago

Hamilton

"A woman has just offered me super sex.

I've decided to have the soup."

Very funny haha x love the profile xx

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

I just bought my Xmas tree from B&Q. The woman at the checkout smiled and asked "Are you going to be putting it up yourself?"

I said "Err, no you dirty bitch. I'm putting it up in the living room..."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the frustrated cheese say?

I'm feta up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I only cum here for the jokes

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Why do people the same height always get along so well?

Because they can always see eye to eye

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Did you hear about the toilet that won the lottery?

It was flushed with success.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"I just swallowed a stack of Scrabble tiles by accident.....

My next poop could spell disaster!

Oops is an anagram of poos.

If you're constiapted and feel like you've got writer's block, then you can always work it it out with a pencil.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Did you hear about the toilet that won the lottery?

It was flushed with success."

Putting the LOO into LOOT!|

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By *akbearMan
over a year ago

Newbury

What's the difference between black eye peas and chick peas??

Black eye peas can sing you a song, chick peas can only hummous one.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

Seven seas, by any chance?

Never mind, we can get you cream for that, or even a L'ocean in foam or tub varieties!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

You've got to hand it to them. Saudi shoplifters.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The book about clocks I ordered from Amazon two weeks ago has finally arrived.

It's about time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A woman has just offered me super sex.

I've decided to have the soup.

Very funny haha x love the profile xx"

Thanks, appreciated.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy from the Islands is in bed with his sister and tells her 'You're a better fuck than mum'.

'I know' she says 'Dad told me'.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"The book about clocks I ordered from Amazon two weeks ago has finally arrived.

It's about time."

Tik Tok book reviews?

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Someone told me that I should write a book.

I said, “That’s a novel concept"

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Alton Towers are doing a programme on Channel 5, next March dedicated to each iconic ride. Episode one is The Corkscrew and the troubles they had getting it built and approved by the public.

It's got some ups and downs and plenty of twists!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

I gave up on a course, building books. It was beginning to become a bind.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"A woman has just offered me super sex.

I've decided to have the soup."

Cock-a-leakie?

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A lamborghini

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

New mum breastfeeding in the park when an old gentleman sits down beside her.

"What does baby drink?"

"Milk and orange juice" replies mum

"Really? Which one is the orange juice?"

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By *azkinsWoman
over a year ago

leeds

How do you make a hormone?. Refuse to pay her.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"New mum breastfeeding in the park when an old gentleman sits down beside her.

"What does baby drink?"

"Milk and orange juice" replies mum

"Really? Which one is the orange juice?"

Does he like milk stout?

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A lamborghini

As for scooters...a Lambretta

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

"What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A lamborghini

As for scooters...a Lambretta"

A chopper for a bike ...

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A lamborghini

As for scooters...a Lambretta

A chopper for a bike ..."

You butchered that one!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The inventor of velcro has just died.

RIP.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

So did the creator of dvd coping software

RIP

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

"What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A lamborghini

As for scooters...a Lambretta

A chopper for a bike ...

You butchered that one!

I mint to

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By *ill1966Man
over a year ago

Swindon

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A major study has found that the height of individual rungs of a ladder is now over an inch higher than it was 20 years ago.

Absolute evidence of climb it change.

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What did the man say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?

“It’s a dog eat dog world out there"

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"A major study has found that the height of individual rungs of a ladder is now over an inch higher than it was 20 years ago.

Absolute evidence of climb it change."

So what steps are you taking?

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

What cheese sounds like saddle bags?

Paneer!

(The bags taste better)

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By *syEazyMan
over a year ago

county durham

Have you seen the dog bowl?

I didn’t realise he played cricket

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By *syEazyMan
over a year ago

county durham

Have you seen the dog bowl?

I didn’t realise he played cricket

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Have you seen the dog bowl?

I didn’t realise he played cricket"

And when he's not batting, he's not too shabby at 'Fine leg' and 'Long leg'.

(Something he feels, he can get his teeth into!)

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What kind of dog doesn’t bark?

A hushpuppy!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

What kind of dog doesn’t bark?

A hushpuppy!

Shoo!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Going to catch on the bus this morning on my way to work and found two old guys at the stop fighting over a bus pass,

It was a fare fight.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Going to catch on the bus this morning on my way to work and found two old guys at the stop fighting over a bus pass,

It was a fare fight."

Could have sold tickets at that one!

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

I wanted to post a joke about boxing...

...but i forgot the punch line.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What rhymes with orange?

No it doesn't.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"What rhymes with orange?

No it doesn't. "

Nothing rhymes with silver!

See above answer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What noise does a mushroom car make?

Shrrrrooooom!!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"What noise does a mushroom car make?

Shrrrrooooom!!"

Goes like shiitake off a shovel!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a frozen fish with no eyes

Still Fsh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A flying mushroom up the m1 requires pot noodles

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By *ayjay218Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen

I got rid of my dyson hoover it was just gathering dust

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cottage cheese

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Because I lost the keys for the dishwasher

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/11/21 21:08:31]

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By *ayjay218Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen

A skeleton walks into a bar and says can I get a pint of lager and a mop please

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie"

I was in a restaurant and a guy was chucking bits of cheese at me, I thought.. "how dairy!?" .. BOM tish

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By *ensualpleasures69Man
over a year ago

leeds

"What has a bark, but no bite?

A dogwood tree."

Don’t give up your day job

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I announce every morning I’m going for a run but I never go, it’s a running joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A skeleton walks into a bar and says can I get a pint of lager and a mop please "

Bump!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q. Who wrote the book on how to do your first Parachute jump? A. Hugo First!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie

I was in a restaurant and a guy was chucking bits of cheese at me, I thought.. "how dairy!?" .. BOM tish

The leper threw a punch so we picked it up and threw it back

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Irishman with the rucksack

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I announce every morning I’m going for a run but I never go, it’s a running joke

Jog on

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

I'll sell my procrastination monkey one day...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where do you find a cat with no legs?

Where you left it

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By *ayjay218Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen

What do you call a guy with a 1” cock?

Justin

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By *ilverjagMan
over a year ago

swansea

Knock knock,

Whose there?

Ivan,

Ivan who?

Ivan Ardon, now answer the door and see what I've got for you!

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By *ilverjagMan
over a year ago

swansea

What is the slowest moving creature on the planet?

Even Alexa got this one when I asked the question at a party.

Answer is, the slowest moving creature on the planet is a nudist climbing through a barbed wire fence.

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By *ilverjagMan
over a year ago

swansea

"Condoms are like crisps.

You can buy them in pubs and shops and they come in several varieties too:

Plain

Flavoured

Ridged

Extra thick

Extra large

And written in big letters at the top of each condom machine are the words:

BUY ME AND STOP ONE

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By *ayjay218Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen

"Condoms are like crisps.

You can buy them in pubs and shops and they come in several varieties too:

Plain

Flavoured

Ridged

Extra thick

Extra large

And written in big letters at the top of each condom machine are the words:

BUY ME AND STOP ONE "
a pub I used to drink in someone wrote on the condom machine “If empty see barman if full see barmaid “ it was scrubbed off many times but it always appeared again lol

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

A boy runs to his mother crying and say mother,my brother David said that my girlfriend Gemma isn't real.his mother replied I'm sorry son he's right she's not and I'm also sorry to tell you your brother David isn't real either

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There I was, wanking 3 bus drivers off, when all of a sudden...

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By *ilverjagMan
over a year ago

swansea

"Condoms are like crisps.

You can buy them in pubs and shops and they come in several varieties too:

Plain

Flavoured

Ridged

Extra thick

Extra large

And written in big letters at the top of each condom machine are the words:

BUY ME AND STOP ONE a pub I used to drink in someone wrote on the condom machine “If empty see barman if full see barmaid “ it was scrubbed off many times but it always appeared again lol "

It was in a hotel in Tenby I first this graffiti, also on the condom machine was:

BUY TWO AND STAY ONE JUMP AHEAD

And also: REMOULDS.

The owner was a great guy, with one hell of a personality, and he also had a white board on the toilet wall, with felt pens, unlike the ones by the lottery tickets which are usually fucked pens, so as guys could add a joke or two like:

PISS IN LOW GEAR, BEND AT THE BOTTOM

ONCE A KING ALWAYS A KING,

ONCE A KNIGHT IS ENOUGH.

Not to mention the jokes that were written before political correctness was invented about particular nationalities, like: a DJ of a particular nationality thought that:

JOHNNY CASH WAS CHANGE FOR THE CONDOM MACHINE

I know that jokes about disasters and misfortune are a bit sick really, bordering on an arrestable offence these days, but there was a lot of those on there as well.

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The Baaaahamas

(...too early right?!

)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A low, down bum

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

"Condoms are like crisps.

You can buy them in pubs and shops and they come in several varieties too:

Plain

Flavoured

Ridged

Extra thick

Extra large

And written in big letters at the top of each condom machine are the words:

BUY ME AND STOP ONE a pub I used to drink in someone wrote on the condom machine “If empty see barman if full see barmaid “ it was scrubbed off many times but it always appeared again lol

It was in a hotel in Tenby I first this graffiti, also on the condom machine was:

BUY TWO AND STAY ONE JUMP AHEAD

And also: REMOULDS.

PISS IN LOW GEAR, BEND AT THE BOTTOM

ONCE A KING ALWAYS A KING,

ONCE A KNIGHT IS ENOUGH.

Not to mention the jokes that were written before political correctness was invented about particular nationalities, like: a DJ of a particular nationality thought that:

JOHNNY CASH WAS CHANGE FOR THE CONDOM MACHINE

I know that jokes about disasters and misfortune are a bit sick really, bordering on an arrestable offence these days, but there was a lot of those on there as well."

Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them but now it’s a sensitive subject.

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?

Pretty Nuts!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Catching a bus to work the other day and there was these two old guys at the stop fighting over a bus pass.

It was a fare fight.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

You could have sold tickets.

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By *oeofsussexMan
over a year ago

Eastbourne

[Removed by poster at 27/11/21 22:25:57]

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By *oeofsussexMan
over a year ago

Eastbourne

Last year my wife’s doctor told her she must go for a run every morning but only breathe through her nose when she runs. After a few failed attempts she came up with the idea of going for her runs with a big dildo in her mouth so she has to breathe through her nose. It worked a treat and she does it every morning. Everyone knows it’s become a running gag!

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By *oeofsussexMan
over a year ago

Eastbourne

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi have a long conversation about theology and eventually they are brave enough to ask each other about their sins. The Rabbi says to the Priest: “You’re not allowed to have sex with women are you!” “No, sadly not” comes the reply! “But Rabbi, you’re not allowed to eat pork are you!” “No, regrettably not!” the Rabbi responds! A long pause follows! Then the Rabbi asks, “Padre, have you ever secretly tried sex with a woman?” “Well, yes just once - it was wonderful!” the Priest admits shyly! “And you, have you ever secretly eaten pork?” “Ah yes, just once! I admit it was delicious!” relied the Rabbi! Another long embarrassed pause followed…! After a while, the Rabbi summoned up the courage and said, “I’ve got the best deal though, haven’t I!” “Yep, no question!” replied the other!

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