FabSwingers.com forum: The spectre hanging over dating in your 30s... Babies.

By *rLuna OP Man
over a year ago

Belfast

Long post alert...

So out of nowhere, today I've had probably my 3rd relationship in about 5/6years start to collapse due to the subject of children come up. (We've been seeing eachother almost 8mnths for context)

My GF went to get her implant renewed and the nurse suggested, given her age(she's fucking 30?!?), leaving it out to allow her body to recover incase she wants to start having kids soon. So she brought this up with me. She wants kids, I've mentioned and joked repeatedly that I don't like kids. But today she asked if I was serious, and I'll be honest, I have no idea what I want, but I feel like the bad guy for not having a concrete response, and that I might be wasting her time.

I work 40hrs a week for pretty shit money and spend the rest of my time either gymming,swimming,cycling,running or with my gf. I don't even know what I'm doing with my own life, other than enjoying it, nevermind trying to comprehend shaping the life of some hypothetical future sproglet.

I suppose this is just a vent moreso than a question. She's said to just forget it as things are going well apart from that, but then it's just delaying it and it's a grey cloud on the horizon that we're just ignoring. Am I wasting her time? What's a guy to do? Anyone else?

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

Why have kids when you can get a dog

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you don't want kids then you don't want kids.

No matter what anyone says it is a huge adjustment becoming a parent. You learn so much more about yourself but you can sometimes lose yourself too.

Stick to what you want, don't change if you don't want to.

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By *ittlemiss1985Woman
over a year ago

Lansing

If you're not sure you're ready to have kids then you're not ready to have kids. Definitely talk to your gf about it.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

If you wait until you’re ready for kids, you’ll never be ready.

It’s a conversation that needs to be had, otherwise you’re wasting each other’s time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you don’t want them , that’s your choice . For women however into their 30s they have past their “optimal “ age to have children (biological as egg reserve starts to decrease ) past 35 you would be considered a geriatric mother and run the risk of increased chance of chromosomal abnormalities.

Men don’t have to think so much about the biological clock!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you don't want kids, that's absolutely fine. I never wanted them either.

But if your GF does want them, you need to have the conversation and you need to have it soon. She's rapidly running out of healthy egg years and her chances of conceiving naturally will only diminish. If she definitely does want them, then perhaps you need to go your separate ways.

I've seen too many of my female friends go through this and then have lots of trouble conceiving as they approach 40. My heart breaks for them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Long post alert...

So out of nowhere, today I've had probably my 3rd relationship in about 5/6years start to collapse due to the subject of children come up.

...

But today she asked if I was serious, and I'll be honest, I have no idea what I want, but I feel like the bad guy for not having a concrete response, and that I might be wasting her time.

Well, I have to say, if you have had this happen 3 times and you still don't know what you want, then I suggest you make your mind up and actually think about it and stop avoiding the idea.

Although it seems to me you have thought about it, you don't want them, but you don't want to tell that that. You are, indeed, wasting their time.

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By *JB1954Man
over a year ago

Reading

Yes , I am 67 now. First marriage broke up due then wife deciding no more kids. She had daughter age 10 when we got together. Did not find out about not wanting until couple of years of marriage. Second wife many years later due to age ( menopause starting ) . Did not happen. Now widower , really regret no children.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are still both young really and not been together all that long to want to start thinking about kids I would think? It shouldnt just be a race to find someone, anyone before your time runs out. I read something good today that says are you ready to look after a person, not a baby. The baby stage lasts for about a year but a person is forever and they take some bloody looking after. Not to be done half heartedly.

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By *inger_SnapWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

I would let her go, now it's been mentioned she won't forget about it. She has a time limit, you don't.

I think the nurse is actually out of line for saying that, I know people who have fallen pregnant straight away after stopping contraception. It's not her place to tell people what to do, especially if they're not at the stage of their relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought this looked odd, and the way I read it is that the OPs partner just asked for it to be removed, and made up some justification. But I could have made up that, it was just a feeling.

I think they key here is that the OP knows his feelings, and he's had 6 years to get them into a cohesive statement. You can't be saying "Oh I don't know if I want kids", having that end relationships, and then not learning from it. It doesn't matter what he wants, so long as he just admits it, and doesn't string women along by pretending he's not really sure.

Having said that, 8 months is as this respondent says, nothing, and speaking as someone who loved doing all the things the OP does know that that's the first thing you're going to have to stop, so if it's really all you have in your life, ask yourself if your life needs an upgrade?

Harsh, but not casually thoughtless.

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By *rLuna OP Man
over a year ago

Belfast

Oh I appreciate the bluntness. I fully appreciate that if anything, my dragging my heels/indecision is really quite selfish, but it's a fairly new relationship and I'm still quite enjoying my life as it is. I suppose I was just hoping to enjoy things as they are for longer, at a push I probably would like children. But I feel like this is a yes or no choice with someone I've known for less than a year.

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By *rLuna OP Man
over a year ago

Belfast

Oh and yeh, I thought the nurse was going beyond her duty a bit,but it's an Irish thing. Having also asked my best friend for advice (English girl who has moved to Dublin) she said that Irish doctors and nurses are fucking obsessed with women getting pregnant.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh I appreciate the bluntness. I fully appreciate that if anything, my dragging my heels/indecision is really quite selfish, but it's a fairly new relationship and I'm still quite enjoying my life as it is. I suppose I was just hoping to enjoy things as they are for longer, at a push I probably would like children. But I feel like this is a yes or no choice with someone I've known for less than a year."

I appreciate what you are saying, but flip that to her position - if you decide you DON'T want kids, she then has to find someone else, get to know them, figure out if she wants to tie herself to that person for the rest of her life, build a relationship and THEN get pregnant. She can't do that quickly - like you said, its not something you want to decide until you've known someone for a while. But you have the luxury of time, women don't. We have a finite number of eggs so have to make this choice much earlier than men do.

I think you need to stop thinking of it in terms of "do I want kids with this woman" - because you can't answer that yet. But, if deep down you know you don't want kids EVER - let her know and let her go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you don't want kids then you don't want kids.

No matter what anyone says it is a huge adjustment becoming a parent. You learn so much more about yourself but you can sometimes lose yourself too.

Stick to what you want, don't change if you don't want to. "

I agree with this but i also think that you should give her a concrete answer so that she can make a decision if she wants to give up the chance of kids and stay in the relationship or end it so she can potentially find someone to have kids with

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Honesty with yourselves and each other.

If having a child is more important to her than your relationship she should part from you and find someone else.

If you know you don't want children then you need to stick by your guns and say so.

Just BOTH be prepared for the consequences.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did she have it removed?

Imagine it's a month from now and she tells you she's pregnant. You will be a dad next summer.

How do you feel?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

B.T.W......... this childless thing ?

There's no monopoly on this. Single people have no choice. They remain childless and can't get shitty with others over it.

There should be no blame on either side.

There are bigger and harder decisions in life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You only been together 8 months a delay to think about it and what you both want wouldn't be a bad call.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Oh and yeh, I thought the nurse was going beyond her duty a bit,but it's an Irish thing. Having also asked my best friend for advice (English girl who has moved to Dublin) she said that Irish doctors and nurses are fucking obsessed with women getting pregnant."

It's Gilead this century over there

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I've just re read your O.P. 8 months is fuck all ....... seriously.

Get out.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

[Removed by poster at 17/11/21 17:17:52]

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I was courting 2 years engaged 2 years married 2 years before I had a child.

These days everything has to be yesterday.

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By *inger_SnapWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

"Did she have it removed?

Imagine it's a month from now and she tells you she's pregnant. You will be a dad next summer.

How do you feel?"

This.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone had my kids when I was adamant I didn’t want any and I was right, it ruins your social life and your bank balance.

Listen to your gut.

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By *ed VoluptaWoman
over a year ago

Wirral.

Exactly. 8 months!! Jeez! Maybe her desire for a child is affecting her common sense. If I were her, your reluctance to discuss a family - having previously told her you don't want kids - should be enough of a red flag. Unless you've told her you'll think about it?

Spell it out to her, possibly in a letter (after verbally telling her) then it's up to her whether she wants to stick around of find another baby daddy. And sooner rather than later, OP.

Good luck x

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

My ex told me that having (our) kids ruined his life.

That’s a pretty heavy weight to bear and something you can never unhear or forgive.

If you don’t want kids then don’t have them. But be upfront. Don’t wait until you’re 5 years in a relationship, or until your kid is a few months old to drop the memo. Do it at the start of a relationship.

If you know you won’t change your mind then say that. If unsure, ditto.

You can’t hand kids back.

That’s my 10p worth. Good luck OP

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Re the nurse saying about fertility issues. I get psoriasis when I’m stressed and they give me medication called methotrexate it’s a horrible drug but you can’t get pregnant on it. Like it’s the abortion pill they give people to end things like ectopic pregnancies. Absolutely under no circumstances can you fall pregnant with it. It would either kill a baby or make it deformed. There’s an injection version I could have but they won’t give it to me yet cos it can take up to 6 years after stopping the injections for me to have a healthy baby off it. The tablets give a time frame of 6 months so it’s not uncommon for medical people to discuss fertility things when dealing with stuff that can affect peoples fertility.

Back to your post. If you don’t want children then cut her loose. Her clock is ticking and her eggs are dying every day.

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

"Honesty with yourselves and each other.

If having a child is more important to her than your relationship she should part from you and find someone else.

If you know you don't want children then you need to stick by your guns and say so.

Just BOTH be prepared for the consequences.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've never wanted kids and when I thought a relationship was going somewhere, I had the "baby" chat. It was only fair for both of us.

Have the chat sooner rather than later and don't tell her what you think she wants to hear.

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