FabSwingers.com forum: Parents who have or have had hormonal kids that can be twats. Help?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’m struggling a little bit with my daughter. She’s just turned 12. All my bad traits my smart mouth and my lack of fear of anyone or anything is presented to me in this smaller sized human.

She’s lovely in school no issues there, teachers say shes very polite and helpful and academically she’s excellent. She’s good for other people, my family members, she’s got a good group of friends and always invited to go places with them and parents of her friends are happy for them to come places with us and have sleepovers.

Just for me, she can be a little witch. I know it’s hormones and it must be a confusing time for them but the way she speaks to me sometimes it actually upsets me. Also she’s lazy and messy.

I’m about to start Xmas peak month in work where I’ll go from 2 night shifts to 5 a week just to slam in the extra cash for Xmas and I’ll spend every penny I earn (outside of bills) on presents but she makes me not want to.

Her bedroom is an absolute shit state and I ask her and I ask her to tidy her room. Take her iPad off her, shout and scream at her and she’ll say she’s doing it, I go up there and she’ll be reading a book or painting her nails or doing something anything apart from her room.

I lose my shit then and end up doing it all in a mood in one day because to leave it in the state it gets in feels like a punishment for me. Honestly it gives me anxiety when it’s a mess but then I’ve taught her that I’ll eventually do it.

How do I break that cycle? I ask her if she wants help and we do it together but she refuses.

She’s got so much storage and space there’s no need for anything to be out of place.

She has all new clothes for her birthday and I was like eight hang them up then, she’s got a walk in wardrobe and dressing room and I’d anyone is familiar with the Malm range in ikea those chest of drawers are sooo deep, you can put all the leggings in one drawer, all y shirts in another, all jumpers, hoodies fucking whatever and just hang up the fancy stuff, the dresses the school uniform stuff. There’s just no need for the mess. I go in her room and all the new clothes are just bunched up in balls on the floor. It’s like what the fuck.

How do you get your kids to tidy and respect their shit?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have 3 daughters. I feel your pain.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My 12 year old will be the wild one, I can feel it in me waters. Her older sisters have been pretty sensible. 12 year old allowed a friend to cut her hair yesterday. And then tried telling me it wasn’t longer on one side, when a blind man could see it was!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The screaming and shouting at her won't have an effect - she's probably out to purposely wind you up. (I know easier said than done to not lose your shit).

Looking outside the box, is your room/house etc in order and organised or has she picked up the traits from you? - not blaming but that may be something to look at.

If she's still refusing to tidy maybe have her help with other chores around the house instead and she'll probably soon realise that keeping one room tidy is easy.

Eventually it will just click and she'll love to keep a tidy and organised bedroom.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What worked when you were that age? What did your parents do/ how did they treat you to make you tidy up etc?

Nothing anyone did or said to me would have made any difference.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

She wants her room done out as one of her

Xmas presents and I’ve said I’m not doing it unless she tidies her room and she said you will do it cos I saw the receipt in the car from home select (that’s a carpet and flooring shop!)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When my 15 year old stepchild lived with us I learned very quickly to pick my battles.

I am also stressed out by messy bedrooms and would eventually cave and tidy it myself but it does just teach them that they only have to outwait your patience.

I regained a lot of inner peace when I just started to shut the door on it and ignore it. I declared I would no longer step foot in there until it was clean. I stopped going in there looking for plates/mugs/dirty laundry and just left it to fester. I wouldn't even change the bedding unless they brought it out to be washed.

It took a couple of weeks, but eventually, when they couldn't find any more clean clothes for friends party, they broke and cleaned the f*$%ing mess

Their cleaning standards were never going to be the same as mine, but when I accepted that I reduced my anxiety by so much.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

What do you and she do together, do you mind me asking?

Children don't need stuff. It might be nice to give them loads of stuff but actually, they need very little of it. My son (19) says he'd like to have seen more of me when he was younger. He understands that I needed to work but it's clear that me being the main income earner, especially in the era when Mr KC was working away on oil rigs, negatively affected him.

I'd say focus less on the stuff (maybe reduce some of it, if she's not using it/taking care of it) and focus on working with her to establish good routines with things.

You say you take away her iPad but find her reading. Is taking the iPad a real consequence? If she doesn't care about it, because she can simply go and read, then it's not a real consequence. However, until she places a value on her things/room etc, you'll struggle to get her to take care of it (in my view).

Never threaten things you are not able/willing to carry out. Mr KC taught me that, he has a will of iron. Only issue consequences that you follow through to the letter and try to avoid shouting.

Set a schedule for house work you expect her to do/help with and perhaps link it to rewards. It might be pocket money, or a small treat like a new nail polish or a magazine or something. Work out the schedule together, so she has input into it. Have clear consequences for her not doing what she had agreed.

Finally, do NOT do it for her. If she doesn't do what is expected, issue the consequences and stick to it.

I hope you don't mind me saying, but I'd really think carefully about whether it's necessary to do lots of extra night shifts to buy more stuff at at Christmas. It sounds like she has more than enough and there might be better ways to spend your time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went on to the Internet router and blocked all their devices until rooms were tidy. Any complaints and they were reminded they had a choice. It's still a battle ground and they are 14 and 15 now. Hard though it is keeping your cool is key...I've lost it a few times and regretted it.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"She wants her room done out as one of her

Xmas presents and I’ve said I’m not doing it unless she tidies her room and she said you will do it cos I saw the receipt in the car from home select (that’s a carpet and flooring shop!)

Then go and get a refund.

Our daughters room was a hell of a mess she bought a light she wanted fixed up, we agreed to do it if she at least cleared the floor so it was safe for her dad to do it. She never cleared the floor and the light never got put up.

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By *inkylipsWoman
over a year ago

Debauchery

I have a 15 year old and even though she has got easier…. Ish she can still be a right madam. I had hell with her at school at your daughters age, every day I was getting calls from the school but thankfully that has also settled down. Just ride the waves and hopefully she will calm down in the next few years

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"She wants her room done out as one of her

Xmas presents and I’ve said I’m not doing it unless she tidies her room and she said you will do it cos I saw the receipt in the car from home select (that’s a carpet and flooring shop!)

Give her the flooring wrapped in Christmas paper and tell her as she didn't tidy as requested she now has to do it herself....that might stop her being miss clever clogs again

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By *ittle-Miss-Cunty-1Woman
over a year ago

Your basement, Cuntsville

I have a 15hr old asshole and she thinks she knows it all, karma well and truly bit my ass

I leave her room until she tidies it herself, I used to do it for her but she learned of her clothes lie on the bedroom floor they don't get washed

she soon started tidying up.

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By *ittle-Miss-Cunty-1Woman
over a year ago

Your basement, Cuntsville

"I have a 15hr old asshole and she thinks she knows it all, karma well and truly bit my ass

I leave her room until she tidies it herself, I used to do it for her but she learned of her clothes lie on the bedroom floor they don't get washed

she soon started tidying up."

15hr?? 15yr old..New phone still adjusting to it lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have two daughters it can be a strange and worrying time for them used the carrot and stick method they were lazy never cleaned up grounded till rooms were cleaned and give them stuff to do or no pocket money more difficult with girls than lads I think good luck with daughter

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I have a 15hr old asshole and she thinks she knows it all, karma well and truly bit my ass

I leave her room until she tidies it herself, I used to do it for her but she learned of her clothes lie on the bedroom floor they don't get washed

she soon started tidying up.

15hr?? 15yr old..New phone still adjusting to it lol"

Lol it's a bit much to expect a 15 hour old to tidy

Us and our daughter had a very difficult five or so years between 12/13 and around 18. We tried a lot of things and none of it made any difference. I can't help but blame myself and wonder if there's anything I could have done differently. To be honest looking back if an untidy room was the worst of it I'd have been happy.

She's great now and lives in a very tidy house ironically

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I gotta do the extra shifts. You get like £780 a week if you do Xmas peak 21st nov to 21st dec.

Plus her room was decorated when we first moved here almost 5 years ago so it’s quite a young theme cos she was only 6 going on 7.

New room I want it as bare as possible. I’d chuck some sawdust down and just a mattress if I could.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I gotta do the extra shifts. You get like £780 a week if you do Xmas peak 21st nov to 21st dec.

Plus her room was decorated when we first moved here almost 5 years ago so it’s quite a young theme cos she was only 6 going on 7.

New room I want it as bare as possible. I’d chuck some sawdust down and just a mattress if I could. "

I know it's your house your rules but she's giving you a clear signal that she's making her room her space why does she have to have it how you want it?

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By *riar BelisseWoman
over a year ago

On Holibobs

I withhold the thing that is held most dear...

Robux... (pocket money is old fashioned apparently)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think Phillip larkin says it best

They fuck you up, your parents

They don't mean to but they do..

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli

Go get a refund, show her you have done it and tell her that the room needs to stay tidy for her to get anything for Christmas.

Take away her makeup and all her books etc, give her absolutely nothing to do other than tidy her room.

Don't let her spend time with friends outside of school and don't give her any treats until she gets her act together.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"I gotta do the extra shifts. You get like £780 a week if you do Xmas peak 21st nov to 21st dec.

Plus her room was decorated when we first moved here almost 5 years ago so it’s quite a young theme cos she was only 6 going on 7.

New room I want it as bare as possible. I’d chuck some sawdust down and just a mattress if I could. "

The problem is you've said you won't decorate the room unless she tidies it. You're now saying you'll decorate it regardless. You can't issue threats and not follow through. If she knows you don't mean what you say on consequences, she'll assume you don't mean any of what you say.

Presumably the room could be decorated at some point in the future, it doesn't have to be at Christmas? Follow through on the consequence you have issued. Otherwise, you are fighting a losing battle.

I also agree with Nicecouple that it's not practical or fair to expect her to keep her room in precisely the way you say. Perhaps identify some key rules, e.g. no clothes on the floor; put dirty items in the wash basket, but you do have to allow some freedom of expression.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

Leave her to it.

You want to cherish every moment of your childrens' childhood, as it goes so quickly.

She'll grow out of it.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

But, tell her if her washing isn't in the basket it doesn't get washed.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Leave her to it.

You want to cherish every moment of your childrens' childhood, as it goes so quickly.

She'll grow out of it.

And this to a large degree says it all. There are far worse things than an untidy room, trust me on that.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"But, tell her if her washing isn't in the basket it doesn't get washed.

Also agree

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By *inger_SnapWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

I just used to threaten to take all my sons stuff to the charity shop if he didn't tidy up, put things away and hoover his room. He knew I was brutal and would actually do it.

You have to be prepared to carry out these things or they just walk all over you.

I agree with getting a refund, she needs to know there are consequences to her behaviour.

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By *ittle-Miss-Cunty-1Woman
over a year ago

Your basement, Cuntsville

"I have a 15hr old asshole and she thinks she knows it all, karma well and truly bit my ass

I leave her room until she tidies it herself, I used to do it for her but she learned of her clothes lie on the bedroom floor they don't get washed

she soon started tidying up.

15hr?? 15yr old..New phone still adjusting to it lol

Lol it's a bit much to expect a 15 hour old to tidy

She's great now and lives in a very tidy house ironically

Haha wish I had previewed it before posting it

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I have a 15hr old asshole and she thinks she knows it all, karma well and truly bit my ass

I leave her room until she tidies it herself, I used to do it for her but she learned of her clothes lie on the bedroom floor they don't get washed

she soon started tidying up.

15hr?? 15yr old..New phone still adjusting to it lol

Lol it's a bit much to expect a 15 hour old to tidy

She's great now and lives in a very tidy house ironically

Haha wish I had previewed it before posting it

If you knew how many times I've posted utter rubbish due to not proof reading...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not a parent... But a thought occurs.

Can you agree that her bedroom is hers, but if she wants clothes washed etc, she needs to put them somewhere else.

And if anything becomes extra work because she's untidy (eg cleaning mold) then she has to do it.

I get the end game is to tidy her room ... But you can't imo force her too at that age .. just persuade ....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One way of trying to get your kids to respect their stuff is to make them earn it in the first place.

Someone is less likely to break something they worked hard for to get

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Just shut the door is what I did on the room! X

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

You have to be prepared to carry out these things or they just walk all over you.

This..

You don't necessarily have to cancel the decorating etc, but if you go ahead and do it after saying you won't your simply on a hiding to nothing..

Yes it might kick off and be stressing but you need to stand by whatever sanctions you have decided, the room can be done in the future if she plays her part..

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By *ecretlivesCouple
over a year ago

FABWatch HQ

"I think Phillip larkin says it best

They fuck you up, your parents

They don't mean to but they do.. "

...

they give you their neuroses and some new ones, just for you

Your daughter sounds independent, feisty and wants to be in charge. Where could she have got that from?...

You just happen to be the nearest (and most powerful) target. Beat you and she will be able to beat anyone (she thinks).

If she is good at school, back off a bit. Respect and self-respect are important lessons to learn, but overdoing it might lose it all. A moderate message she will hear in 5 years time when hormones decline will count more than histrionics.

There are plenty that will kick life out of her. Don't look back and realise you were one of them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Should have seen what happened when I hoovered up her loom bands these tiny elastics that she uses when she puts little plaits in her hair. Again I’d been asking her to tidy up and put away the clothes. They were all over the floor by her mirror so I just hoovered them. I bought them out of my own money she was going. They cost a pound in the post office like. I was like what about the £100’s of pounds I’ve just spent on all them new clothes for your birthday just a scrunched up in a ball.

All she has left in the way of toys are board games but they’re all actually put away.

When she does tidy her room she’ll strip her bed and throw everything to the wash EVERYTHING. Clean and dirty clothes so it’s not tidying it’s just making more work for me.

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

"Just shut the door is what I did on the room! X"

After months of bribery and threats and anything else we can think of this is the simple solution we came up with too

We have never said anything to the kids we didn't mean, never made an empty threat but sometimes the easy route is the one to pick.

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

When my Dad got fed up of me leaving my shoes on the floor. He collected them all up and hid them somewhere I never thought of looking (the boot of his car)

That worked well.

He made good on his threat and didn’t back down. Seems like she senses weakness over you doing it all anyway. Hit her in the pocket and wardrobe.

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By *uliette500Woman
over a year ago

Hull

When I was her age my mother had been asking me for weeks to sort my room and I never bothered.

I came home one day to find everything I owned dumped on my bed. Everything from out of the cupboards, drawers, off the floor etc.

She then told me if I didn't tidy it I couldn't sleep.

After that she promised she would go in once a week and anything left out of place the floor would end up in the bin.

I tidied it all up and the binning of stuff (some clothes and other belongings etc) happened 1 week later.

I kept it tidy after that.

She didn't actually bin my stuff either I got it back after about 2 months when she felt I'd learnt my lesson.

It was harsh but it worked.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi… I have a 17 year old daughter… my 22 year old son was a dream…my daughter…

From the age of 12yr it’s been really hard going. We’re just coming out the other side now, I’d say. One bit of advice I got… and kept… is always keep the relationship there… however hard. I know, sometimes, I’ve actually thought- I don’t like you, but I’ve been the bigger person and kept that line of communication open. I text every morning and night that I love her… so whatever happens throughout the day with us, it’s there. We do something once a month away from home… a spa, meal or a long walk- it took some trying ( I mean who wants to spend time with their mum

)…but she’s accepted it- and we never talk about anything that might start an argument… it’s a quiet bonding day… no drama, even if she digs…

It’s nothing at all you’re doing, or have done… and it will get better!!

( and don’t compare her to other kids her age.. you only see them at their best.. like her friends parents see your daughter) xxx

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By *sBlueWoman
over a year ago

Up North

Put some rice under her bed say you found maggots

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By *he Queen of TartsWoman
Forum Mod
over a year ago

My Own Little World

My take on parenting, which isn't for everyone as many of my friends have told me, is to treat them how they treat me.

I assume the eye rolling, sighing, ignoring you until you repeat yourself then give you the 'I heard you the 1st time' BS has started. I did this back to mine. The 1st day was - I see what your doing, very funny. Day 3 - stop it you aren't clever. Day 5 - mum, please stop. They lasted a whole 8 days till they gave up with that shit.

Tidying their room, well that is a battle I still fight at times. My daughter is better since she left her laptop on the floor under a pile of crap and stood on it. I refused to repair or replace as it was her own laziness that caused it, so she was without a lappy for 4 months.

Then there was me getting screamed at for not washing that top that she had to wear out with mates. I told her I washed what was in the basket, if she chose to leave her dirty clothes on the floor that is her problem not mine. But to stop any further catastrophies like this in future she can now do her own laundry....she does.

So my suggestion is, tough love. She can't look after what she already has then there is no way I am spending anymore of my money on getting her nice things. Set a chore list. Do XYZ today and I will give you the new WiFi password.

Changing the WiFi password is basically the only thing that worked in my house.

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By *otMe66Man
over a year ago

Terra Firma

What drives her respect for others and not you?

You also mention money and material things a lot. I can remember that happening to me when I was younger, it just didn't mean anything to me at all, I simply hadn't learnt how hard money was to earn, until I got a paper round.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Just shut the door is what I did on the room! X

After months of bribery and threats and anything else we can think of this is the simple solution we came up with too

We have never said anything to the kids we didn't mean, never made an empty threat but sometimes the easy route is the one to pick."

Yep because if or when it comes to something really important or bad and you've pulled out your entire arsenal over room tidying you have nowhere left to go and a very bad thing provokes the same reaction as an untidy room, thereby assuming the same importance in their minds.

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By *he Queen of TartsWoman
Forum Mod
over a year ago

My Own Little World

Oh and I will add re messy bedroom.

My neighbours found this very entertaining. I used to throw anything I found on their floor (not breakable, those got hidden) out of their bedroom window onto the street, after telling them for hours. Clothes, toys, books all went out the window.

After them having to get their stuff out of the street a few or 10 times they realised I meant what I said. Still occasionally throw their shoes out the front door if they can't be bothered to put them on the rack.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Her iPad is cellular so works anywhere even if she’s not connected to anyones broadband.

I could just not pay the bill I suppose or side there’s away to freeze that.

Just feel like I’ve lost this one cos her room needs to be completely emptied anyway cos the people are coming Thursday to do the painting and wood panels on the walls and then Saturday the flooring is going down. She’s been like Mummy I promise when the room is done I will not even let a rubber band on the floor.

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By *iscean_dreamMan
over a year ago

Llanelli

"Her iPad is cellular so works anywhere even if she’s not connected to anyones broadband.

I could just not pay the bill I suppose or side there’s away to freeze that.

Remove the sim and then change the password on Internet or block it from being able to connect to router

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

In the end I let them keep their room how they want. As long as I didn't think they would get bugs or worse.

They need their own space.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

I'm kind of embarrassed to say that I was like this as a teenager. It wasn't that I didn't want to keep my room tidy, I can't even explain it properly, it was like my brain just didn't properly understand how to. I would eventually tackle it and vow to keep it that way and it would decend into chaos again and I'd get overwhelmed and stressed by it and just ignoring it was easier.

I just kinda grew out of it and now I'm a bit of a neat freak who's in Facebook cleaning groups and everything

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My take on parenting, which isn't for everyone as many of my friends have told me, is to treat them how they treat me.

Changing the WiFi password is basically the only thing that worked in my house."

The fact that you call this "tough love" is so beautiful. Many of us survived childhoods that made us look at our fellow teenagers who pissed and moaned about their parents in utter disbelief.

You treat your kids with tenderness and respect and it's quite lovely to read.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Kids can just see a massive mess and just get a bit overwhelmed and not know where to begin. She might want it tidy but the effort to get going is too much. If she's keeping it all together and being good at school, home is where she feels relaxed enough to just let go. I dont know the answer, my two 13 and 15 switch between living like animals and then being showhome neat when it suits them.

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By *ecretlivesCouple
over a year ago

FABWatch HQ

"Oh and I will add re messy bedroom.

Riiiight. Entertaining as it sounds, life is not a sit com. Agreed there will be a lot of context missing but imagine they are adults (which they soon will be). The message is loud and clear. Do as I say or I will destroy the things you care about as *I* bought them, with a bit of public humiliation thrown in. Imagine watching your kids doing this to their partners or kids. Or having it done to them.

Is it still entertaining?

Op needs to be the adult, not the kid.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

Could you abandon her?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Milk. Oh my god. All my kid drinks is water or milk. The blue top stuff as well. The glasses I’ve found with what looks like meat inside them is just

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh and I will add re messy bedroom.

Is it still entertaining?

Op needs to be the adult, not the kid.

I agree with this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Milk. Oh my god. All my kid drinks is water or milk. The blue top stuff as well. The glasses I’ve found with what looks like meat inside them is just

Science projects we call them

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Could you abandon her?"

Nah. She’s got a tracker on her phone and her watch. Life 360app. Can see where she is at all times.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

Until you are willing to follow through on the consequences, you're onto a losing battle, OP. Young people need to see the example set for them. They need consistency, fairness and to be involved in decision making about their lives to the extent that's appropriate for their age/cognitive level. At 12, she should be able to contribute to household chores, she can put the washing machine on, she can prepare simple food, she can dust, wipe surfaces etc.

Involve her in planning a schedule of chores (including the bedroom), don't expect perfection. Attach little token rewards to completion of all tasks and implement consequences for not doing them that a) mean something and b) you will actually do.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"Could you abandon her?

Nah. She’s got a tracker on her phone and her watch. Life 360app. Can see where she is at all times."

Delete them, take her to the train station and just leg it

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"Milk. Oh my god. All my kid drinks is water or milk. The blue top stuff as well. The glasses I’ve found with what looks like meat inside them is just

We had a "no food/drink in the bedroom" rule, only exception a glass of water.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I haven't read all replies.

1. Stop tidying and cleaning her room.

2. Stop asking her to tidy it.

3. Don't threaten.

4. Stick to anything you have said. If the room isn't tidy it doesn't get done out but don't fight about it.

Also... if she asks why you don't tidy her room , tell her that you respect what she said and that she's older and that she can have an untidy room if she chooses. ( Don't say it in any smart arse manner she's not stupid and there are no arguments to win)

Also ... When she wants friends over - let her NO matter how shit up the room is. Peer comments/pressure will win over in the end.

Also .... Don't help when she finally does tidy it. Not until she's at least done the bulk of it.

NEVER help her to find important things in that shit hole.

She shouldn't be punished in anyway what so ever...... she's learning. She is just acting according to her experience... she makes the mess and mum will clear it up... REMEMBER she is NOT doing this deliberately. It's how she's lived her princess life so far.

Good luck.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

P.S. Number 4. Don't mention the ( not getting done up cos it's not tidy again )

You've said it once.

If she does ask .... say Sure i'll do your room up when it's tidy like I said.

When it is still shit up to the nines on 21st Dec.... and she asks........ sayyyy never mind honeybunch we can plan for Easter. I'll said we will do it and we will.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

When I was that age I literally couldn't walk to the window in my bedroom for the mountain of crap I had on the floor.

I went through all the fights with my mum but the only time I ever tidied it was if we had a girl to foster when I had to share the room, then it got crisis cleaned (by me) and I'd keep it tidy for as long as the room was shared.

For me it was a way of exerting a tiny bit of control in a life that felt otherwise completely out of my control. It was MY space and if I wanted to have it knee-deep in magazines and books and clothes then that's exactly what I was going to do.

My mum learned to close the door on it rather than coming in and cleaning it herself (which I found incredibly stressful - it felt like my will and my feelings were being completely disregarded when she did that).

The compromise we agreed was no food or drinks in the room. That way there were no dirty dishes and we reduced the risks of a field mouse having a party on crumbs and half-eaten bags of crisps.

It worked well for us and as I got a bit older and started feeling a bit more in control of my life I started keeping it tidy because I didn't need that outlet any more.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

The weakness here will be the anxiety YOU have over the mucky room.

Breath, Breath , Breath ..... expect a shitty room and relax....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I bag it all up In bin liners and put outside… if they want it they collect and put each bin liner away. It always works.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Milk. Oh my god. All my kid drinks is water or milk. The blue top stuff as well. The glasses I’ve found with what looks like meat inside them is just

Science projects we call them

My daughter had a bread crust in a jar for years. We called it Patrick...... He never got older - just fluffier n greener.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You girls make me glad that I can choose whether to become a mum or not… and I’m never gonna be ready to surrender my freedom

There could be a potential situation of becoming a future step mum, but I think I’m gonna have to cut that quick

My older sister had the most obscene twins ever and they managed to destroy the small motherhood feelings inside me.

Hang in there Mums!!! X

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Until you are willing to follow through on the consequences, you're onto a losing battle, OP. Young people need to see the example set for them. They need consistency, fairness and to be involved in decision making about their lives to the extent that's appropriate for their age/cognitive level. At 12, she should be able to contribute to household chores, she can put the washing machine on, she can prepare simple food, she can dust, wipe surfaces etc.

As a child she is pretty efficient. She can do a laundry load. She knows to put a colour catcher sheet in and a capsule. She’ll measure the fabric softener. She doesn’t overload the machine and will make sure she can fit two of her fists on top of the load to give the drum space. (Her dad is a firefighter so has drummed into her never to overfill then machine). Also mentioning her dad, the non resident parent. He has her on a Wednesday and then Friday to Sunday every other weekend. He’s taught her to book with all fresh stuff. She can make tomato and basil pasta and chicken pasta basically anything pasta. She can make a cuppa tea.

She’ll clean the bathrooms easy I just think her room gets in such a shit state it can be overwhelming. That’s why I offer to help her and do it with her but the she’s like no I can do it myself but then it never gets done and I say that and then we get into back and forth bickering.

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By *uliette500Woman
over a year ago

Hull

You say everything is booked to have her room redecorated.

I would sit her down and state that once it is done there are new rules.

1 no food and drink in the new room. This will avoid any unwanted guests.

2 you will no longer be cleaning her room. If it's a mess it will stay that way.

3 any dirty clothes need to be brought out and put in a laundry basket or they don't get washed.

Stick to these and don't back down or give in. When she has no clean clothes or can't find what she needs she will start to learn.

While you keep giving in and doing it for her she will keep letting you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pick your battles carefully.

Shut the door and don’t look at it, it her room, but if she doesn’t give you her washing, it doesn’t get done.

Be consistent.

Try to remember that she’s a person too, we expect so much of our small people, almost that they should be perfect, but no one is.

Give her space to be, allow her some time/space of her own.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My daughter is a complete twat even when she's not hormonal.

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By *he Queen of TartsWoman
Forum Mod
over a year ago

My Own Little World

"Oh and I will add re messy bedroom.

Is it still entertaining?

Op needs to be the adult, not the kid.

Did you miss the 'not breakable bit'?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The screaming and shouting at her won't have an effect - she's probably out to purposely wind you up. (I know easier said than done to not lose your shit).

Looking outside the box, is your room/house etc in order and organised or has she picked up the traits from you? - not blaming but that may be something to look at.

If she's still refusing to tidy maybe have her help with other chores around the house instead and she'll probably soon realise that keeping one room tidy is easy.

Eventually it will just click and she'll love to keep a tidy and organised bedroom. "

Exactly my thoughts!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My daughter is a complete twat even when she's not hormonal.

Kudos to you for saying that. I feel like a lot of parents would never say it out loud if they have cunty kids (excuse my French) . Was talking about it with a dad the other evening …

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By *rincessPuddleDuck22Woman
over a year ago

.•°°

You tidy it or I do into a binbag usually worked for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Take pics at its worst and say you will send to her mates

Obviously don't send them but it may do the trick.

Or is that black mail?

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By *yclindaveMan
over a year ago

Leicester

Might sound a bit odd but grab a copy of Never Split The Difference - Chris Voss.

He was lead international negotiator for the FBI for a number of years and the book teaches you some of the techniques they use. Game changer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you and she do together, do you mind me asking?

I'd say focus less on the stuff (maybe reduce some of it, if she's not using it/taking care of it) and focus on working with her to establish good routines with things.

Never threaten things you are not able/willing to carry out. Mr KC taught me that, he has a will of iron. Only issue consequences that you follow through to the letter and try to avoid shouting.

Finally, do NOT do it for her. If she doesn't do what is expected, issue the consequences and stick to it.

100% this.

Never make idle threats, never give in without achieving at least a compromise.

Tell her what you expect, tell her the consequences of not meeting those expectations and then follow through.

One of the biggest problems I see single mothers face (may be the same for single fathers but not the ones I know) is guilt. You feel guilty if your child is not having a perfect life. You'll do her absolutely no favours like this, life is shit, it isn't fair and when you grow up you can't just sulk until mum fixes it for you - the sooner she learns this lesson the less chance she has of growing into yet another young adult with mental health issues because their expectations don't match reality.

Ditch the extra shifts, tell her you're not slaving away for hours for someone who can't be arsed to do the one small thing you ask. Stick to it, it won't kill her to have a lot less than she expects this year, instead it'll teach her a valuable lesson about respect for you and what life is really like.

She's like this at 12, you've got a year tops to get on top of this shit or you're gonna have hell on earth for the next few years.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you and she do together, do you mind me asking?

I'd say focus less on the stuff (maybe reduce some of it, if she's not using it/taking care of it) and focus on working with her to establish good routines with things.

Never threaten things you are not able/willing to carry out. Mr KC taught me that, he has a will of iron. Only issue consequences that you follow through to the letter and try to avoid shouting.

Finally, do NOT do it for her. If she doesn't do what is expected, issue the consequences and stick to it.

100% this.

Never make idle threats, never give in without achieving at least a compromise.

Tell her what you expect, tell her the consequences of not meeting those expectations and then follow through.

She's like this at 12, you've got a year tops to get on top of this shit or you're gonna have hell on earth for the next few years.

Mr"

This. Worded perfectly.

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By *urplechesterCouple
over a year ago

chester

My youngest is very tidy and organised, and the eldest is a walking destruction! They know that if dirty clothes aren’t in the laundry basket then they just don’t get washed, if they don’t tidy their rooms then it stays like that until they do! They don’t get pocket money for doing chores because I personally believe kids should help to clean up mess that they created anyways! I don’t accept back chat, and they know Id just laugh at them if they did, so we don’t shout or argue! Teenage girls certainly keep you on your toes haha, pushes those patience and tolerance levels to the max! good luck and I hope you manage to get a refund for that carpet

Miss pc

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By *ecretlivesCouple
over a year ago

FABWatch HQ

"Oh and I will add re messy bedroom.

Is it still entertaining?

Op needs to be the adult, not the kid.

Did you miss the 'not breakable bit'?"

Nope. That is just you telling your audience and yourself "I didn't really damage things".

Not everything has to be smashed to be damaged. Violence against their things is one step removed from the kid themselves. Things become identity. Throwing them out into the street is about you showing you have power and they have none unless they comply. The things themselves are nothing against the person who is doing it. You have been their role model and God. Find a more softly negotiated way that respects them and you. Be the grown-up and nurture them to be the same.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"Take pics at its worst and say you will send to her mates

Obviously don't send them but it may do the trick.

Or is that black mail?

This is not a parenting technique. Also you should not issue a threat and not be willing to carry it out.

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

My Mum and Dad said to me and my brothers, rubbish sack day is next week. Anything on the floor goes in it! It worked and we kept rooms tidy ever since. Even now, I try and keep things neat and tidy.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

As a messy lass (hoarding tendencies!) when my mum and step dad did my bedroom over one day when I was in School, and did a big “changing rooms” style reveal when I got home, I can confirm that I did keep my promise to keep my room tidy, because it was so bloody lush!

Mind it did help as my step dad had built a unit/dressing table for all my makeup that could slot drawers in underneath, made a massive difference.

Me and my step dad didn’t always see eye to eye but fair-play he had his moments.

My room before

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

When you figure it out can you let me know I'm in the same boat but two of them!

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Good luck. You'll like her again in about 6 years.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Good luck. You'll like her again in about 6 years. "

there's a fair bit of truth in that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve got 4 only 2 left at home now though.

Eldest daughter was the most challenging one and her bedroom floor was often used as the wardrobe.

I found it best to pick my battles.. constantly nagging to tidy her room achieved nothing. I learnt to tolerate a lot of the mess.

Maybe get her to take some responsibility.. tell her she’s in charge of her own laundry.. it’s amazing how organised they become when their fave jumper/dress/pants etc aren’t washed & it’s because they didn’t do it.. they can’t push the blame into someone else.. but don’t step in to do it for her

I did this for a few months & it worked.. I did go back to doing her laundry as quite frankly it was easier for me to do a few big loads but she certainly appreciated it more.

I also found that she was pretty hot on tidying her room when friends came round so I encouraged her having her friends over.

But I always taught my kids we were a team and that the house stuff wasn’t just down to me.. if I asked one of them to pick up a cup and got a response like it wasn’t mine.. I would point out if we were playing that game & only responsible for our own stuff it was happy days for me as I didn’t create most of the laundry, dirty dishes etc so did they want me to step back from doing any chores relating to their stuff/mess.

I also never paid them to do chores.. they were expected to help as & when I asked.. as I said we were/are a team.

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By *good-being-badMan
over a year ago

mis-types and auto corrects leads cock leeds

Strange for others her hormones aren't a problem. School friends relatives etc

I was the discipline in the house with the ex and my kids,.she would bend let the kids cross lines she'd drawn..kids walk over and keep pushing.

Starts at a very early age, you need to be consistent, if you say no its not happening if yes then do it, no matter the shouting,tantrums, consistentcy if you alter your decision you'll suffer for it later.

My kids play up for the ex, they're good as gold at mine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I refuse to enter into battle over my 13 year old's room. It's her space. If she wants to live in a tip that's her look out. I don't get involved and it means I'm much calmer and happier.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I refuse to enter into battle over my 13 year old's room. It's her space. If she wants to live in a tip that's her look out. I don't get involved and it means I'm much calmer and happier. "

And one less room for me to clean and vacuum

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought I was going to have an aneurysm at my eldest daughter’s room, when she was a bit younger. She’s 20 now and so much tidier and cleaner.

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